0 SAB - DRUNK with Blood:

I kill ... I wound ... I will make mine arrows drunk with blood, and my sword shall devour flesh. Deuteronomy 32:39-42

  1. The Flood of Noah: All flesh died that moved upon the earth
  2. Abraham's war to rescue Lot
  3. Sodom and Gomorrah
  4. Remember Lot's wife (Forget Jesus)
  5. The Dinah and Shechem Massacre
  6. Er was wicked in the sight of the Lord (so the Lord slew him)
  7. Onan spilled it on the ground (so the Lord slew him too)
  8. God's seven-year, world-wide famine
  1. There will be blood: The First Plague of Egypt
  2. The seventh plague of Egypt: Hail shall come down upon them and they shall die.
  3. The Lord smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt
  4. The Lord took off their chariot wheels
  5. The Lord will have war with Amalek from generation to generation
  6. Who is on the Lord's side: Forcing friends and family to kill each other
  7. The Lord plagued the people because of the calf that Aaron made
  1. God burned Aaron's sons to death for offering
  2. A blasphemer is stoned to death
  1. When the people complained, God burned them to death
  2. While the flesh was still between their teeth, the Lord smote them with a very great plague
  3. Ten scouts are killed for their honest report
  4. Sticks and stones: A man gathering sticks on the Sabbath day is stoned to death
  5. Korah and his companions are buried alive (along with their families)
  6. God burned 250 people to death for burning incense
  7. God killed 14,700 for complaining about God's killings
  8. The massacre of the Aradites
  9. God sent fiery serpents to bite the people for complaining about the lack of food and water
  10. Phinehas's double murder: A killing to end God's killing
  11. The Midianite massacre: Have you saved all the women alive?
  1. God slowly killed the Israelite army
  2. God the giant killer
  3. God hardens king Sihon's heart so that all his people can be killed
  4. Og and all the men, women, and children in 60 cities
  1. The Jericho Massacre
  2. Achan and his family are stoned and burned to death
  3. The Ai Massacre
  4. God stops the sun so that Joshua can get his killing done in the daylight
  5. Five kings are killed and hung on trees
  6. Joshua utterly destroyed all that breathed as the Lord God commanded
  7. The genocide of the surrounding kingdoms: There was not left any left to breathe
  8. The Anakim: Some more giant killing
  1. The Lord delivered the Canaanites and the Perizzites
  2. The Jerusalem massacre
  3. Five massacres, a wedding, and some God-proof iron chariots
  4. The Lord delivered Chushanrishathaim
  5. Ehud delivers a message from God
  6. God delivers 10,000 lusty Moabites
  7. Shamgar killed 600 Philistines with an ox goad
  8. Barak and God massacre the Canaanites
  9. Jael pounds a tent stake through a sleeping man's skull
  10. Gideon's Story: The Lord set every man's sword against his fellow
  11. A city is massacred and 1000 burn to death because of God's evil spirit
  12. The Ammonite massacre
  13. Jephthah's daughter
  14. 42,000 killed for failing the
  15. The spirit of the Lord came upon Samson and he murdered thirty men for their clothes
  16. The spirit of the Lord came upon Samson and he killed 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass
  17. Samson killed 3000 in a suicide terrorist attack
  18. A holy civil war (It had something to do with rotting, concubine body-part messages)
  19. The end of Judges: Two genocides and 200 stolen virgins
1 Samuel
  1. God killed Eli's sons and 34,000 Israelite soldiers
  2. God smote them with hemorrhoids in their secret parts
  3. 50,070 killed for looking into the ark of the Lord
  4. The Lord thundered great thunder upon the Philistines
  5. Another Ammonite massacre (and another God-inspired body part message)
  6. Jonathan's very first slaughter (not counting the one before)
  7. God forces the Philistines to kill each other
  8. The Amalekite genocide
  9. Samuel hacks Agag to pieces before the Lord
  10. In the Valley of Elah: Goliath
  11. David buys a wife with 200 Philistines foreskins
  12. The Lord said to David, Go and smite the Philistines
  13. God killed Nabal (and David got his wife and other stuff)
  14. David commits random acts of genocide for the Philistines
  15. David spends the day killing Amalekites
  16. God killed Saul (and his sons and soldiers) for not killing all the Amalekites
2 Samuel
  1. David killed the messenger
  2. David killed Rechab and Baanah, cut off their hands and feet, and hung their bodies over the pool
  3. God helps David smite the Philistines from the front and the rear
  4. God killed Uzzah for trying to keep the ark from falling
  5. David killed two thirds of the Moabite POWs and enslaved the rest
  6. The Lord gave David victory wherever he went
  7. David killed every male in Edom
  8. Thus did David unto all the children of Ammon
  9. God slowly kills a baby
  10. Famine and human sacrifice: Seven sons of Saul are hung up before the Lord
  11. David's mighty men and their amazing killings
  12. God killed 70,000 because David had a census that God (or Satan) told him to do
1 Kings
  1. Solomon carried out the deathbed wish of David by having Joab and Shimei murdered
  2. A tale of two prophets
  3. Jeroboam's son: God kills another child
  4. Jeroboam's family
  5. Baasha's family and friends
  6. Zimri burns to death
  7. God kills Hiel's sons
  8. The drought of Elijah
  9. Elijah kills 450 religious leaders in a prayer contest
  10. The first God-assisted slaughter of the Syrians
  11. God killed 100,000 Syrians for calling him a God of the hills
  12. God killed 27,000 Syrians with a falling wall
  13. God sent a lion to kill a man for not smiting a prophet
  14. God killed Ahab for not killing a captured king
2 Kings
  1. God burned 102 men to death for asking Elijah to come down from his hill
  2. God killed king Ahaziah (of Israel) for asking the wrong god
  3. God sent two bears to rip apart 42 little children for making fun of Elisha's bald head
  4. The Lord delivered the Moabites
  5. A skeptic is trampled to death
  6. God's seven year famine
  7. Jehoram of Israel
  8. Jezebel
  9. Ahab's sons: 70 heads in two heaps
  10. Ahab's hometown family, friends, and priests
  11. Jehu killed 42 of Ahaziah's family
  12. Jehu and his partner show their zeal for the Lord by killing the rest of Ahab's family
  13. Jehu assembled the followers of Baal and then slaughtered them all
  14. The priest of Baal and Queen Athaliah
  15. God sent lions to eat those that didn't fear him enough
  16. An angel killed 185,000 sleeping soldiers,
  17. God caused King Sennacherib to be killed by his sons
  18. Josiah killed all the priests of the high places
1 & 2 Chronicles
  1. Just another Holy War
  2. God killed a half-million Israelite soldiers.
  3. Jeroboam
  4. God killed one million Ethiopians
  5. Friendly Fire: God forced a great multitude to kill each other
  6. God made Jehoram's bowels fall out
  7. God killed Jehoram's sons
  8. Ahaziah (of Judah)
  9. Joash, the princes, and the army of Judah
  10. God destroys Amaziah
  11. God smote Ahaz with the king of Syria
  12. God killed 120,000 valiant men for forsaking him
  13. The Fall of Jerusalem
Esther, Job, Jeremiah, and Ezekiel
  1. The Purim killings
  2. God and/or Satan kill Job's children, servants, and animals
  3. Hananiah
  4. Pelatiah
  5. Ezekiel's wife
The Apocrypha
  1. Oh! Susanna
  2. Judith is blessed among all women (for cutting off a sleeping man's head)
  3. The Judith massacre: hang ye up this head upon our walls
  4. Mathathias's double murder
  5. Mathathias and his friends slay the wicked sinners, circumcise the the uncircumcised, and yield not the horn to the sinner
  6. God killed Andronichus (that sacrilegious wretch)
  7. A Jewish mob kills Lysimachus, the sacrilegious fellow
  8. God helps Judas Machabeus destroy the wicked
  9. Judas and his unarmed men kill 3000 of Gorgias's soldiers
  10. The Hanukkah killings
  11. The Machabees brothers slaughter the heathens
  12. Nicanor's Army: The Almighty being their helper, they slew above nine thousand men
  13. Jonathan and Simon destroy the wicked out of Israel
  14. Five heavenly horsemen cast darts and fireballs at the enemy
  15. God killed Antiochus with an incurable bowel disease
  16. Idumeans, traitors, and Jews in two towers
  17. Nicanor's head: A manifest sign of the help of God
  18. Aliens at Cades
  19. John burns to death 2000 in the tower of Azotus
  20. God sent wasps to slowly kill people
The New Testament
  1. Ananias and Sapphira
  2. Herod Aggripa
  3. Jesus

Copyright © 1999-2024
The Skeptic's Annotated Bible

Send comments to Steve Wells
at swwells(at)gmail.com