- Introduction
- How many has God Killed?
- How many more will God kill?
- Genesis
- The Flood of Noah: All flesh died that moved upon the earth
- Abraham's war to rescue Lot
- Sodom and Gomorrah
- Remember Lot's wife (Forget Jesus)
- The Dinah and Shechem Massacre
- Er was wicked in the sight of the Lord (so the Lord slew him)
- Onan spilled it on the ground (so the Lord slew him too)
- God's seven-year, world-wide famine
- Exodus
- There will be blood: The First Plague of Egypt
- The seventh plague of Egypt: Hail shall come down upon them and they shall die.
- The Lord smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt
- The Lord took off their chariot wheels
- The Lord will have war with Amalek from generation to generation
- Who is on the Lord's side: Forcing friends and family to kill each other
- The Lord plagued the people because of the calf that Aaron made
- Leviticus
- Numbers
- When the people complained, God burned them to death
- While the flesh was still between their teeth, the Lord smote them with a very great plague
- Ten scouts are killed for their honest report
- Sticks and stones: A man gathering sticks on the Sabbath day is stoned to death
- Korah and his companions are buried alive (along with their families)
- God burned 250 people to death for burning incense
- God killed 14,700 for complaining about God's killings
- The massacre of the Aradites
- God sent fiery serpents to bite the people for complaining about the lack of food and water
- Phinehas's double murder: A killing to end God's killing
- The Midianite massacre: Have you saved all the women alive?
- Deuteronomy
- Joshua
- The Jericho Massacre
- Achan and his family are stoned and burned to death
- The Ai Massacre
- God stops the sun so that Joshua can get his killing done in the daylight
- Five kings are killed and hung on trees
- Joshua utterly destroyed all that breathed as the Lord God commanded
- The genocide of the surrounding kingdoms: There was not left any left to breathe
- The Anakim: Some more giant killing
- Judges
- The Lord delivered the Canaanites and the Perizzites
- The Jerusalem massacre
- Five massacres, a wedding, and some God-proof iron chariots
- The Lord delivered Chushanrishathaim
- Ehud delivers a message from God
- God delivers 10,000 lusty Moabites
- Shamgar killed 600 Philistines with an ox goad
- Barak and God massacre the Canaanites
- Jael pounds a tent stake through a sleeping man's skull
- Gideon's Story: The Lord set every man's sword against his fellow
- A city is massacred and 1000 burn to death because of God's evil spirit
- The Ammonite massacre
- Jephthah's daughter
- 42,000 killed for failing the
- The spirit of the Lord came upon Samson and he murdered thirty men for their clothes
- The spirit of the Lord came upon Samson and he killed 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass
- Samson killed 3000 in a suicide terrorist attack
- A holy civil war (It had something to do with rotting, concubine body-part messages)
- The end of Judges: Two genocides and 200 stolen virgins
- 1 Samuel
- God killed Eli's sons and 34,000 Israelite soldiers
- God smote them with hemorrhoids in their secret parts
- 50,070 killed for looking into the ark of the Lord
- The Lord thundered great thunder upon the Philistines
- Another Ammonite massacre (and another God-inspired body part message)
- Jonathan's very first slaughter (not counting the one before)
- God forces the Philistines to kill each other
- The Amalekite genocide
- Samuel hacks Agag to pieces before the Lord
- In the Valley of Elah: Goliath
- David buys a wife with 200 Philistines foreskins
- The Lord said to David, Go and smite the Philistines
- God killed Nabal (and David got his wife and other stuff)
- David commits random acts of genocide for the Philistines
- David spends the day killing Amalekites
- God killed Saul (and his sons and soldiers) for not killing all the Amalekites
- 2 Samuel
- David killed the messenger
- David killed Rechab and Baanah, cut off their hands and feet, and hung their bodies over the pool
- God helps David smite the Philistines from the front and the rear
- God killed Uzzah for trying to keep the ark from falling
- David killed two thirds of the Moabite POWs and enslaved the rest
- The Lord gave David victory wherever he went
- David killed every male in Edom
- Thus did David unto all the children of Ammon
- God slowly kills a baby
- Famine and human sacrifice: Seven sons of Saul are hung up before the Lord
- David's mighty men and their amazing killings
- God killed 70,000 because David had a census that God (or Satan) told him to do
- 1 Kings
- Solomon carried out the deathbed wish of David by having Joab and Shimei murdered
- A tale of two prophets
- Jeroboam's son: God kills another child
- Jeroboam's family
- Baasha's family and friends
- Zimri burns to death
- God kills Hiel's sons
- The drought of Elijah
- Elijah kills 450 religious leaders in a prayer contest
- The first God-assisted slaughter of the Syrians
- God killed 100,000 Syrians for calling him a God of the hills
- God killed 27,000 Syrians with a falling wall
- God sent a lion to kill a man for not smiting a prophet
- God killed Ahab for not killing a captured king
- 2 Kings
- God burned 102 men to death for asking Elijah to come down from his hill
- God killed king Ahaziah (of Israel) for asking the wrong god
- God sent two bears to rip apart 42 little children for making fun of Elisha's bald head
- The Lord delivered the Moabites
- A skeptic is trampled to death
- God's seven year famine
- Jehoram of Israel
- Jezebel
- Ahab's sons: 70 heads in two heaps
- Ahab's hometown family, friends, and priests
- Jehu killed 42 of Ahaziah's family
- Jehu and his partner show their zeal for the Lord by killing the rest of Ahab's family
- Jehu assembled the followers of Baal and then slaughtered them all
- The priest of Baal and Queen Athaliah
- God sent lions to eat those that didn't fear him enough
- An angel killed 185,000 sleeping soldiers,
- God caused King Sennacherib to be killed by his sons
- Josiah killed all the priests of the high places
- 1 & 2 Chronicles
- Just another Holy War
- God killed a half-million Israelite soldiers.
- Jeroboam
- God killed one million Ethiopians
- Friendly Fire: God forced a great multitude to kill each other
- God made Jehoram's bowels fall out
- God killed Jehoram's sons
- Ahaziah (of Judah)
- Joash, the princes, and the army of Judah
- God destroys Amaziah
- God smote Ahaz with the king of Syria
- God killed 120,000 valiant men for forsaking him
- The Fall of Jerusalem
- Esther, Job, Jeremiah, and Ezekiel
- The Apocrypha
- Oh! Susanna
- Judith is blessed among all women (for cutting off a sleeping man's head)
- The Judith massacre: hang ye up this head upon our walls
- Mathathias's double murder
- Mathathias and his friends slay the wicked sinners, circumcise the the uncircumcised, and yield not the horn to the sinner
- God killed Andronichus (that sacrilegious wretch)
- A Jewish mob kills Lysimachus, the sacrilegious fellow
- God helps Judas Machabeus destroy the wicked
- Judas and his unarmed men kill 3000 of Gorgias's soldiers
- The Hanukkah killings
- The Machabees brothers slaughter the heathens
- Nicanor's Army: The Almighty being their helper, they slew above nine thousand men
- Jonathan and Simon destroy the wicked out of Israel
- Five heavenly horsemen cast darts and fireballs at the enemy
- God killed Antiochus with an incurable bowel disease
- Idumeans, traitors, and Jews in two towers
- Nicanor's head: A manifest sign of the help of God
- Aliens at Cades
- John burns to death 2000 in the tower of Azotus
- God sent wasps to slowly kill people
- The New Testament