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Posted: Friday 19 February 2010 ( 14 years ago )
Josiah killed all the priests of the high places
Josiah was the king of religious intolerance. He “put down” the priests that burned incense to the sun, moon, planets, and stars.
He put down the idolatrous priests ... that burned incense unto Baal, to the sun, and to the moon, and to the plan ...
Posted: Friday 19 February 2010 ( 14 years ago )
God killed Ahab for not killing a captured king
In God's last killing, he sent a lion to kill a man for not smiting a prophet when the prophet asked him to. But the next guy that came along was willing to do it, so the prophet was able to put ashes on his face and have a proper disguise for his m ...
Posted: Friday 19 February 2010 ( 14 years ago )
God sent a lion to kill a man for not smiting a prophet
I don't completely understand God's thinking on this one. Maybe a believer can explain it. It all happens fast, in just two verses. Here's a summary: A "son of a prophet" asked a "neighbor in the word of the Lord" to smite him.
A certain man of the ...
Posted: Friday 19 February 2010 ( 14 years ago )
The drought of Elijah
The story of Elijah begins with a drought.
Elijah … said unto Ahab, As the LORD God of Israel liveth, before whom I stand, there shall not be dew nor rain these years, but according to my word. 1 Kings 17.1
And according to 1 Kings, the drought e ...
Posted: Friday 19 February 2010 ( 14 years ago )
Solomon carries out the deathbed wish of David by having Joab and Shimei murdered
You can tell a lot about a person by his or her last words. Take David’s last words, for example. David asked his son Solomon to murder Joab for him.
Now the days of David drew nigh that he should die; and he charged Solomon his son, saying … t ...
Posted: Thursday 18 February 2010 ( 14 years ago )
God killed 100,000 Syrians for calling him a God of the hills
Don't call God a God of the hills. He really doesn't like it.
The Syrians called him that.
The servants of the king of Syria said unto him, Their gods are gods of the hills; therefore they were stronger than we; but let us fight against them in ...
Posted: Wednesday 17 February 2010 ( 14 years ago )
Baasha's family and friends
Remember how God made Jeroboam king and then killed his son and the rest of his family because he didn't like something that Jeroboam did? Yeah, well, he's at it again.
This time it's king Baasha that he's is pissed off about. Baasha became king ...
Posted: Monday 15 February 2010 ( 14 years ago )
Jeroboam's son: God kills another child
The story begins with a sick child, Abijah the son of king Jeroabom.
At that time Abijah the son of Jeroboam fell sick. 1 Kings 14:1
Jeroboam was worried about his son, so he told his wife to go ask the blind prophet Ahijah what will become of h ...
Posted: Thursday 11 February 2010 ( 14 years ago )
A Tale of Two Prophets
The story begins with an old, nameless prophet from Bethel who found another nameless prophet, the "man of God" from Judah, sitting under an oak tree.
Now there dwelt an old prophet in Bethel ... And he ... went after the man of God, and found him ...
Posted: Monday 08 February 2010 ( 14 years ago )
God killed 70,000 because David did a census that God (or Satan) told him to do
This is not an easy one to explain, but I'll give it a try. It all starts with God telling David to do a census, you know like the one the U.S. Constitution requires us to do every ten years. And again the anger of the LORD was kindled against Israe ...
Posted: Monday 08 February 2010 ( 14 years ago )
David's Mighty Men and their Amazing Killings
There is a list of crazy single-handed killings in 2 Samuel 23 and 1 Chronicles 11 that the God obviously approved of since the Bible brags about them so much. I’m including them all here.
These be the names of the mighty men whom David had: 2 Sa ...
Posted: Sunday 07 February 2010 ( 14 years ago )
Famine and Human Sacrifice
The Bible doesn't say much about this killing. It all happens in a single verse.
Then there was a famine in the days of David three years, year after year; and David enquired of the LORD. And the LORD answered, It is for Saul, and for his bloody ...
Posted: Friday 05 February 2010 ( 14 years ago )
God slowly killed David's baby boy to punish David for adultery
You've probably heard the story about David and Bathsheba. You know, the one where David sees Bathsheba taking a bath, and since he likes what he sees, he has sex with her.
In an eveningtide, that David arose from off his bed, and walked upon the ...
Posted: Thursday 04 February 2010 ( 14 years ago )
God killed Uzzah for trying to keep the ark from falling
The ark of the Lord is nothing but trouble.
Remember when the Philistines had it? God plagued them with hemorrhoids in their secret parts, so they sent it from one city after another trying to keep God away from their asses.
The Philistines fi ...
Posted: Thursday 04 February 2010 ( 14 years ago )
God helps David smite the Philistines from the front and the rear
Now that Ishbosheth is dead, David is now king of both Israel and Judah, and he's fighting his old friends, the Philistines -- with God's help, of course.
God is David's military adviser. David asked him if he should attack the Philistines, and Go ...
Posted: Sunday 31 January 2010 ( 14 years ago )
David kills the messenger
The first verse of Second Samuel is this:
Now it came to pass after the death of Saul, when David was returned from the slaughter of the Amalekites, and David had abode two days in Ziklag. 2 Samuel 1.1
That's right. Second Samuel begins with David ...
Posted: Wednesday 27 January 2010 ( 14 years ago )
David spends the day killing Amalekites
While David was hanging out with the Philistines performing daily acts of genocide for them, disaster struck. The Philistines were attacked by the Amalekites.
That's right, the Amalekites. You know, the ones that God hates more than any other peop ...
Posted: Tuesday 26 January 2010 ( 14 years ago )
God spoke to Saul through a dead man brought back to life by a witch
After David won the trust of the Philistine king, Achish, by happily performing random acts of genocide on the surrounding people, Achish said it was time for him to start killing Israelites. David could hardly wait.
The Philistines gathered their ...
Posted: Wednesday 20 January 2010 ( 14 years ago )
David commits random acts of genocide for the Philistines
In 1 Samuel 24, David snuck in and cut off Saul's skirt while he (Saul, that is) was defecating. And Saul didn't even notice.
Yeah, well, that worked out so well for David that he decided to try something like it again. This time, though, he snuck ...
Posted: Tuesday 19 January 2010 ( 14 years ago )
God killed Nabal (and David got his wife and other stuff)
After God's last killing, David tracked down Saul and snuck in while Saul was "covering his feet" (the biblical equivalent of "going to the bathroom") and cut off end of Saul's skirt.
This feat impressed Saul so much that he said:
Thou art mor ...
Posted: Saturday 16 January 2010 ( 14 years ago )
The LORD said unto David, Go, and smite the Philistines
After David bought Saul's daughter (Michal) with 200 Philistine foreskins, Saul told his son Jonathan and all his servants to kill his new son-in-law.
Saul spake to Jonathan his son, and to all his servants, that they should kill David. 1 Samuel 19 ...
Posted: Friday 15 January 2010 ( 14 years ago )
Is Saul among the prophets?
I know, I'm getting bogged down in 1 Samuel, completely distracted from God's killings. But there's so much crazy shit in this book that I just can't pass it up. Sorry about that.
So back to the story.
After David bought Saul's daughter (Michal) w ...
Posted: Wednesday 13 January 2010 ( 14 years ago )
David buys a wife with 200 Philistine foreskins
After David killed Goliath, Saul's son, Jonathan, fell in love with him.
The soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul. 1 Samuel 18.1
He loved him so much, in fact, that he stripped off all his clothes ...
Posted: Sunday 10 January 2010 ( 14 years ago )
In the valley of Ellah: Goliath
After Samuel cried all night and tore his skirt over Saul's incomplete genocide, he finished the job the next day by hacking Agag to pieces before the Lord.
But God and Samuel were still upset by the whole thing. It broke their little hearts. Afte ...
Posted: Saturday 09 January 2010 ( 14 years ago )
In the Valley of Elah: Did God help David kill Goliath?
After Samuel cried all night and tore his skirt over Saul's incomplete genocide, he finished the job the next day by hacking Agag to pieces before the Lord.
But God and Samuel were still upset by the whole thing. It broke their little hearts. After ...
Posted: Tuesday 05 January 2010 ( 14 years ago )
Samuel hacks Agag to pieces before the Lord
Saul ruined God's last killing by not killing all the Amalekites. God wanted a complete genocide, and Saul blew it by keeping one man alive (along with a few animals that he planned to kill later for God). Poor Samuel was so upset that he tore his s ...
Posted: Saturday 02 January 2010 ( 14 years ago )
The Amalekite Genocide
Nothing much needs to be said about this one.
You only need to read the first three verses from 1 Samuel 15 to know for sure that the God of the Bible is evil. (Thank goodness he doesn't exist!)
Still, it is good idea to look at the story in conte ...
Posted: Tuesday 22 December 2009 ( 14 years ago )
God forced the Philistines to kill each other
After helping Jonathan with his first slaughter (which wasn't really his first, but Oh well), God took over the killing himself. He didn't have much choice if he wanted to get the killing done, because there were only two swords in all Israel at the ...
Posted: Saturday 19 December 2009 ( 14 years ago )
Jonathan's very first slaughter (not counting the one before)
Well, it was a bit disappointing to me, but I guess it was OK for a very first slaughter.
Here's how it happened.
One day Jonathan and his armor bearer decided to go find some uncircumcised guys to kill. Who knows? Maybe God would hel ...
Posted: Thursday 17 December 2009 ( 14 years ago )
Another Ammonite Massacre (and another God-inspired body-part message)
Remember the Holy Civil War a few killings back? Well this is a lot like it.
It starts with the people from Jabeshgilead making a proposition to the Ammonites.
Then Nahash the Ammonite came up, and encamped against Jabeshgilead: and all the m ...
Posted: Wednesday 16 December 2009 ( 14 years ago )
The Lord thundered great thunder upon the Philistines
After God killed more than 50,000 for looking into the ark, the ark was moved to Kirjathjearim and the people of Israel "lamented after the Lord" -- which means, I guess, that they wanted the damned thing back.
And it came to pass, while the ark ab ...
Posted: Tuesday 15 December 2009 ( 14 years ago )
God kills Eli's sons
There was an old priest name Eli, who had two sons, Hophni and Phinehas. Like Eli, his sons were priests, but they were bad priests who didn't know God, stole meat from burnt offerings, and had sex with women at the door of the tabernacle.
The s ...
Posted: Saturday 12 December 2009 ( 14 years ago )
50,070 killed for looking into the ark of the Lord
In his last killing, God was busy fashioning hemorrhoids and placing them in the Philistines' secret parts. Stuff like that gets annoying after a while. So the Philistines asked their priests how they can get God to stop. The priests told them to mak ...
Posted: Saturday 12 December 2009 ( 14 years ago )
God smote them with hemorrhoids in their secret parts
You may have noticed at the end of the last killing, that the Philistines stole the ark of the covenant from the Israelites. And that’s when their troubles really began.
The Philistines brought the ark to Ashdod and set it up next to their god, ...
Posted: Thursday 10 December 2009 ( 14 years ago )
The End of Judges: Two genocides and 200 stolen virgins
My last post was about the God-inspired civil war between the tribe of Benjamin and the other Israelites, which was God's way of dealing with that messy affair involving the Levite and his concubine.
Now it's time for the rest of the story.
...
Posted: Wednesday 09 December 2009 ( 14 years ago )
A Holy Civil War (It had something to do with rotting, concubine body-part messages)
Remember the story about the Levite and his concubine? You know the one where the Levite and his concubine are staying at a guy's house when a mob comes and asks to have sex with the Levite, and the host says no you can't have sex with him but I'll g ...
Posted: Sunday 29 November 2009 ( 14 years ago )
Judges 19: Gang rape, dismemberment, and body part messages
I was going to skip over this story, since it is so damned disgusting and God seemed to have nothing much to do with it (other than inspiring it, that is). And yet, it's in the Bible, so it must be important to him. Maybe a believer that can explain ...
Posted: Thursday 19 November 2009 ( 14 years ago )
The Massacre of the Peaceful, Unsuspecting People
OK, enough messing around. I've got to get back to God's killings in Judges.
What do you think about this one? Should it be included on God's list?
The story begins with the tribe of Dan (one of the 12 tribes of Israel) looking for a nice pla ...
Posted: Wednesday 11 November 2009 ( 14 years ago )
Samson kills 3000 in a suicide terrorist attack
After Samson finished killing 1000 men with a jawbone of an ass, he had sex with a prostitute. Then went Samson to Gaza, and saw there an harlot, and went in unto her. Judges 16:1At midnight he left the prostitute and ripped out the doors and gate ...
Posted: Monday 09 November 2009 ( 14 years ago )
The Spirit of the Lord came upon Samson and he killed 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass
In my last post, I described how Samson's brief (week-long) marriage to a Philistine woman was prearranged by God so that Samson would murder 30 Philistines for their clothes. That was the first chapter of Samson's life (Judges 14). Here's the next. ...
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