Theirs are Gardens underneath which rivers flow. ... There for them are pure companions. 2:25
Alif. Lam. Mim. 
2This is the Scripture whereof there is no doubt, a guidance unto those who ward off (evil).
There is no doubt about this scripture. It can ward off evil. 
3Who believe in the Unseen, and establish worship, and spend of that We have bestowed upon them;
It helps believers believe in things they can't see, 
4And who believe in that which is revealed unto thee (Muhammad) and that which was revealed before thee, and are certain of the Hereafter.
and in things Muhammad has revealed to them.
They know where they're going when they die.
5 These depend on guidance from their Lord. These are the successful.
They are the successful people. 
6 As for the Disbelievers, Whether thou warn them or thou warn them not it is all one for them; they believe not.
7 Allah hath sealed their hearing and their hearts, and on their eyes there is a covering. Theirs will be an awful doom.
As for the disbelievers, Allah has covered their ears, eyes, and hearts. 
Theirs will be an awful doom. 
8 And of mankind are some who say: We believe in Allah and the Last Day, when they believe not.
9 They think to beguile Allah and those who believe, and they beguile none save themselves; but they perceive not.
Some will pretend to believe in Allah and hope to fool Allah on the last day. 
10In their hearts is a disease, and Allah increaseth their disease. A painful doom is theirs because they lie.
11 And when it is said unto them: Make not mischief in the earth, they say: We are peacemakers only.
12 Are not they indeed the mischief-makers? But they perceive not.
But their heart is diseased, and Allah will make their disease worse. 
They will have a painful doom because they lied.
13 And when it is said unto them: believe as the people believe, they say: shall we believe as the foolish believe? are not they indeed the foolish? But they know not.
When they are told to believe what others believe, they'll say, "Should we believe what the foolish believe?"
But they are the foolish.
14 And when they fall in with those who believe, they say: We believe; but when they go apart to their devils they declare: Lo! we are with you; verily we did but mock.
Allah especially dislikes people who pretend to believe when they're around Muslims, and then disbelieve when they hang out with devils.
15Allah (Himself) doth mock them, leaving them to wander blindly on in their contumacy.
16 These are they who purchase error at the price of guidance, so their commerce doth not prosper, neither are they guided.
17 Their likeness is as the likeness of one who kindleth fire, and when it sheddeth its light around him Allah taketh away their light and leaveth them in darkness, where they cannot see,
Allah mocks and blinds them,
18Deaf, dumb and blind; and they return not.
19 Or like a rainstorm from the sky, wherein is darkness, thunder and the flash of lightning. They thrust their fingers in their ears by reason of the thunder-claps, for fear of death, Allah encompasseth the disbelievers (in His guidance, His omniscience and His omnipotence).
leaving them deaf, dumb, and blind.
20 The lightning almost snatcheth away their sight from them. As often as it flasheth forth for them they walk therein, and when it darkeneth against them they stand still. If Allah willed, He could destroy their hearing and their sight. Lo! Allah is able to do all things.
21 O mankind! worship your Lord, Who hath created you and those before you, so that ye may ward off (evil).
22 Who hath appointed the earth a resting-place for you, and the sky a canopy; and causeth water to pour down from the sky, thereby producing fruits as food for you. And do not set up rivals to Allah when ye know (better).
If Allah wanted to, he could destroy their sight and hearing. 
Allah can do anything.
23And if ye are in doubt concerning that which We reveal unto Our slave (Muhammad), then produce a surah of the like thereof, and call your witness beside Allah if ye are truthful.
If you doubt that the Quran comes from Allah, then just try to write a surah like it. 
24And if ye do it not - and ye can never do it - then guard yourselves against the Fire prepared for disbelievers, whose fuel is of men and stones.
Go ahead and try, though, if you want to. You will fail and Allah will burn you forever if you in the fire that he has prepared for disbelievers, whose fuel is men and stones.
25 And give glad tidings (O Muhammad) unto those who believe and do good works; that theirs are Gardens underneath which rivers flow; as often as they are regaled with food of the fruit thereof, they say: this is what was given us aforetime; and it is given to them in resemblance. There for them are pure companions; there for ever they abide.
26 Lo! Allah disdaineth not to coin the similitude even of a gnat. Those who believe know that it is the truth from their Lord; but those who disbelieve say: What doth Allah wish (to teach) by such a similitude? He misleadeth many thereby, and He guideth many thereby; and He misleadeth thereby only miscreants;
If you believe and do good works, you will have pure companions in heaven.
27 Those who break the covenant of Allah after ratifying it, and sever that which Allah ordered to be joined, and (who) make mischief in the earth: Those are they who are the losers.
28 How disbelieve ye in Allah when ye were dead and He gave life to you! Then He will give you death, then life again, and then unto Him ye will return.
Losers break the covenant with Allah and make mischief on the earth.
29He it is Who created for you all that is in the earth. Then turned He to the heaven, and fashioned it as seven heavens. And He is knower of all things.
Allah created the earth first and then the seven heavens. 
30 And when thy Lord said unto the angels: Lo! I am about to place a viceroy in the earth, they said: Wilt thou place therein one who will do harm therein and will shed blood, while we, we hymn Thy praise and sanctify Thee? He said: Surely I know that which ye know not.
The angels ask God why he is putting "a viceroy" on earth who will do harm and shed blood.
God says he knows things that they don't know. 
31 And He taught Adam all the names, then showed them to the angels, saying: Inform Me of the names of these, if ye are truthful.
Allah taught Adam all the names (of the plants and animals?) , and then said to the angels, "Tell me the names, if you are truthful."
32They said: Be glorified! We have no knowledge saving that which Thou hast taught us. Lo! Thou, only Thou, art the Knower, the Wise.
But the angels weren't truthful enough to guess correctly.
33He said: O Adam! Inform them of their names, and when he had informed them of their names, He said: Did I not tell you that I know the secret of the heavens and the earth? And I know that which ye disclose and which ye hide.
So Allah said to Adam, "Tell them the names."
So Adam told them and said, "I know something you guys don't!"
34 And when We said unto the angels: Prostrate yourselves before Adam, they fell prostrate, all save Iblis. He demurred through pride, and so became a disbeliever.
Then we (Allah) commanded the angels to prostrate themselves before Adam.
And they all did, except for Iblis. 
That's the moment that Iblis became a disbeliver.
35 And We said: O Adam! Dwell thou and thy wife in the Garden, and eat ye freely (of the fruits) thereof where ye will; but come not nigh this tree lest ye become wrong-doers.
36 But Satan caused them to deflect therefrom and expelled them from the (happy) state in which they were; and We said: Fall down, one of you a foe unto the other! There shall be for you on earth a habitation and provision for a time.
37 Then Adam received from his Lord words (of revelation), and He relented toward him. Lo! He is the relenting, the Merciful.
38 We said: Go down, all of you, from hence; but verily there cometh unto you from Me a guidance; and whoso followeth My guidance, there shall no fear come upon them neither shall they grieve.
We (Allah) said to Adam,
Live in the garden and eat all the fruits,
except the fruit from this tree. 
39 But they who disbelieve, and deny Our revelations, such are rightful Peoples of the Fire. They will abide therein.
40 O Children of Israel! Remember My favour wherewith I favoured you, and fulfil your (part of the) covenant, I shall fulfil My (part of the) covenant, and fear Me.
41 And believe in that which I reveal, confirming that which ye possess already (of the Scripture), and be not first to disbelieve therein, and part not with My revelations for a trifling price, and keep your duty unto Me.
Whoever disbelieves and denies our revelations,
will live in the Fire.
42Confound not truth with falsehood, nor knowingly conceal the truth.
43 Establish worship, pay the poor-due, and bow your heads with those who bow (in worship).
44 Enjoin ye righteousness upon mankind while ye yourselves forget (to practise it)? And ye are readers of the Scripture! Have ye then no sense?
45 Seek help in patience and prayer; and truly it is hard save for the humble- minded,
46 Who know that they will have to meet their Lord, and that unto Him they are returning.
47 O Children of Israel! Remember My favour wherewith I favoured you and how I preferred you to (all) creatures.
Don't confuse truth with falsehood,
or knowingly hide the truth.
48 And guard yourselves against a day when no soul will in aught avail another, nor will intercession be accepted from it, nor will compensation be received from it, nor will they be helped.
Prepare for the day when no one, including Allah,
will help anyone else.
49 And (remember) when We did deliver you from Pharaoh's folk, who were afflicting you with dreadful torment, slaying your sons and sparing your women: that was a tremendous trial from your Lord.
Remember when we saved you from the Pharaoh
50 And when We brought you through the sea and rescued you, and drowned the folk of Pharaoh in your sight.
by drowning his army in the sea? 
51 And when We did appoint for Moses forty nights (of solitude), and then ye chose the calf, when he had gone from you, and were wrong-doers.
And when Moses was on the mountain for forty nights, you chose the calf?
52 Then, even after that, We pardoned you in order that ye might give thanks.
53 And when We gave unto Moses the Scripture and the criterion (of right and wrong), that ye might be led aright.
We forgave you, so you could thank us.
54 And when Moses said unto his people: O my people! Ye have wronged yourselves by your choosing of the calf (for worship) so turn in penitence to your Creator, and kill (the guilty) yourselves. That will be best for you with your Creator and He will relent toward you. Lo! He is the Relenting, the Merciful.
Moses said, "Kill those who are guilty yourselves." 
That was best for you.
55And when ye said: O Moses! We will not believe in thee till we see Allah plainly; and even while ye gazed the lightning seized you.
You said you wouldn't believe until you saw Allah. And then you were struck by lightning.
56Then We revived you after your extinction, that ye might give thanks.
After you died from the lightning strike, we revived you, so you could thank us.
57 And We caused the white cloud to overshadow you and sent down on you the manna and the quails, (saying): Eat of the good things wherewith We have provided you - they wronged Us not, but they did wrong themselves.
58 And when We said: Go into this township and eat freely of that which is therein, and enter the gate prostrate, and say: "Repentance." We will forgive you your sins and will increase (reward) for the right-doers.
We sent you manna and quails.
59 But those who did wrong changed the word which had been told them for another saying, and We sent down upon the evil-doers wrath from heaven for their evil-doing.
And we sent down wrath from heaven on those who changed the words in a saying. 
60 And when Moses asked for water for his people, We said: Smite with thy staff the rock. And there gushed out therefrom twelve springs (so that) each tribe knew their drinking-place. Eat and drink of that which Allah hath provided, and do not act corruptly, making mischief in the earth.
When Moses asked for water, we said, "Smite the rock."
And water gushed out of twelve springs, one for each tribe. 
61 And when ye said: O Moses! We are weary of one kind of food; so call upon thy Lord for us that He bring forth for us of that which the earth groweth - of its herbs and its cucumbers and its corn and its lentils and its onions. He said: Would ye exchange that which is higher for that which is lower? Go down to settled country, thus ye shall get that which ye demand. And humiliation and wretchedness were stamped upon them and they were visited with wrath from Allah. That was because they disbelieved in Allah's revelations and slew the prophets wrongfully. That was for their disobedience and transgression.
When the people complained about the food, Allah's wrath came down on them. 
62 Lo! Those who believe (in that which is revealed unto thee, Muhammad), and those who are Jews, and Christians, and Sabaeans - whoever believeth in Allah and the Last Day and doeth right - surely their reward is with their Lord, and there shall no fear come upon them neither shall they grieve.
63 And (remember, O Children of Israel) when We made a covenant with you and caused the mount to tower above you, (saying): Hold fast that which We have given you, and remember that which is therein, that ye may ward off (evil).
64 Then, even after that, ye turned away, and if it had not been for the grace of Allah and His mercy ye had been among the losers.
Whoever believes in Allah on the last day and does right will be rewarded, whether they are Jews, Christians, or Sabaeans. 
65 And ye know of those of you who broke the Sabbath, how We said unto them: Be ye apes, despised and hated!
And when some of you broke the Sabbath, we turned them into apes, despised and hated!
66And We made it an example to their own and to succeeding generations, and an admonition to the God-fearing.
We did that for an example to future generations.
67 And when Moses said unto his people: Lo! Allah commandeth you that ye sacrifice a cow, they said: Dost thou make game of us ? He answered: Allah forbid that I should be among the foolish!
Moses said to his people,
Allah wants you to sacrifice a cow.
68 They said: Pray for us unto thy Lord that He make clear to us what (cow) she is. (Moses) answered: Lo! He saith, Verily she is a cow neither with calf nor immature; (she is) between the two conditions; so do that which ye are commanded.
The people said, "Ask him what kind of cow we should sacrifice."
Moses said "The cow must neither be pregnant or immature, but somewhere between."
69 They said: Pray for us unto thy Lord that He make clear to us of what colour she is. (Moses) answered: Lo! He saith: Verily she is a yellow cow. Bright is her colour, gladdening beholders.
They said, "And what color should she be?"
Moses said, "Bright yellow." 
70They said: Pray for us unto thy Lord that He make clear to us what (cow) she is. Lo! cows are much alike to us; and Lo! if Allah wills, we may be led aright.
71 (Moses) answered: Lo! He saith: Verily she is a cow unyoked; she plougheth not the soil nor watereth the tilth; whole and without mark. They said: Now thou bringest the truth. So they sacrificed her, though almost they did not.
The people said, "Ask God to be more specific. All cows look alike to us."
Moses said, "The cow must have never plowed and be unmarked."
The people said, "OK. We'll find one like that."
So they sacrificed a cow, though they almost didn't.
72 And (remember) when ye slew a man and disagreed concerning it and Allah brought forth that which ye were hiding.
Remember when a man was murdered, but you disagreed about who did it?
73And We said: Smite him with some of it. Thus Allah bringeth the dead to life and showeth you His portents so that ye may understand.
74 Then, even after that, your hearts were hardened and became as rocks, or worse than rocks, for hardness. For indeed there are rocks from out which rivers gush, and indeed there are rocks which split asunder so that water floweth from them. And indeed there are rocks which fall down for the fear of Allah. Allah is not unaware of what ye do.
We said, "Smite the dead man with a piece of the dead cow that you sacrificed."
And the dead man came back to life and showed you who murdered him.
But even after you saw that miracle, your hearts were hardened and became rocks -- or even worse than rocks, they were so hard.
There are good rocks and bad rocks. There are rocks that fall down from the fear of Allah.
75 Have ye any hope that they will be true to you when a party of them used to listen to the word of Allah, then used to change it, after they had understood it, knowingly?
76 And when they fall in with those who believe, they say: We believe. But when they go apart one with another they say: Prate ye to them of that which Allah hath disclosed to you that they may contend with you before your Lord concerning it? Have ye then no sense?
77 Are they then unaware that Allah knoweth that which they keep hidden and that which they proclaim?
78 Among them are unlettered folk who know the Scripture not except from hearsay. They but guess.
79 Therefore woe be unto those who write the Scripture with their hands and then say, "This is from Allah," that they may purchase a small gain therewith. Woe unto them for that their hands have written, and woe unto them for that they earn thereby.
80 And they say: The Fire (of punishment) will not touch us save for a certain number of days. Say: Have ye received a covenant from Allah - truly Allah will not break His covenant - or tell ye concerning Allah that which ye know not?
81 Nay, but whosoever hath done evil and his sin surroundeth him; such are rightful owners of the Fire; they will abide therein.
Whoever does evil or sins will burn forever in the Fire.
82 And those who believe and do good works: such are rightful owners of the Garden. They will abide therein.
Those who believe and do good works will live in the Garden.
83 And (remember) when We made a covenant with the Children of Israel, (saying): Worship none save Allah (only), and be good to parents and to kindred and to orphans and the needy, and speak kindly to mankind; and establish worship and pay the poor-due. Then, after that, ye slid back, save a few of you, being averse.
84 And when We made with you a covenant (saying): Shed not the blood of your people nor turn (a party of) your people out of your dwellings. Then ye ratified (Our covenant) and ye were witnesses (thereto).
Be good to parents, relatives, orphans, and the needy.
Speak kindly and help the poor.
85 Yet ye it is who slay each other and drive out a party of your people from their homes, supporting one another against them by sin and transgression? - and if they came to you as captives ye would ransom them, whereas their expulsion was itself unlawful for you - Believe ye in part of the Scripture and disbelieve ye in part thereof? And what is the reward of those who do so save ignominy in the life of the world, and on the Day of Resurrection they will be consigned to the most grievous doom. For Allah is not unaware of what ye do.
86 Such are those who buy the life of the world at the price of the Hereafter. Their punishment will not be lightened, neither will they have support.
87 And verily We gave unto Moses the Scripture and We caused a train of messengers to follow after him, and We gave unto Jesus, son of Mary, clear proofs (of Allah's sovereignty), and We supported him with the Holy spirit. Is it ever so, that, when there cometh unto you a messenger (from Allah) with that which ye yourselves desire not, ye grow arrogant, and some ye disbelieve and some ye slay?
Christians and Jews (who believe in only part of the Scripture), will suffer in this life and go to hell in the next. 
88 And they say: Our hearts are hardened. Nay, but Allah hath cursed them for their unbelief. Little is that which they believe.
Allah has cursed them for their unbelief.
They don't believe very much. 
89 And when there cometh unto them a scripture from Allah, confirming that in their possession - though before that they were asking for a signal triumph over those who disbelieved - and when there cometh unto them that which they know (to be the truth) they disbelieve therein. The curse of Allah is on disbelievers.
The curse of Allah is on unbelievers.
90 Evil is that for which they sell their souls: that they should disbelieve in that which Allah hath revealed, grudging that Allah should reveal of His bounty unto whom He will of His slaves. They have incurred anger upon anger. For disbelievers is a shameful doom.
Allah is angry with disbelievers.
He has prepared for them a painful doom.
91 And when it is said unto them: Believe in that which Allah hath revealed, they say: We believe in that which was revealed unto us. And they disbelieve in that which cometh after it, though it is the truth confirming that which they possess. Say (unto them, O Muhammad): Why then slew ye the prophets of Allah aforetime, if ye are (indeed) believers?
92 And Moses came unto you with clear proofs (of Allah's Sovereignty), yet, while he was away, ye chose the calf (for worship) and ye were wrong-doers.
93 And when We made with you a covenant and caused the Mount to tower above you, (saying): Hold fast by that which We have given you, and hear (Our Word), they said: We hear and we rebel. And (worship of) the calf was made to sink into their hearts because of their rejection (of the covenant). Say (unto them): Evil is that which your belief enjoineth on you, if ye are believers.
94 Say (unto them): If the abode of the Hereafter in the providence of Allah is indeed for you alone and not for others of mankind (as ye pretend), then long for death (for ye must long for death) if ye are truthful.
95 But they will never long for it, because of that which their own hands have sent before them. Allah is aware of evil-doers.
The Jews say they believe in what we (Allah) have revealed to them, but not in what came after.
96 And thou wilt find them greediest of mankind for life and (greedier) than the idolaters. (Each) one of them would like to be allowed to live a thousand years. And to live (a thousand years) would be no means remove him from the doom. Allah is Seer of what they do.
The Jews are the greediest people.
They'd like to live 1000 years. But even if they lived that long, they'd still go to hell after they died.
97 Say (O Muhammad, to mankind): Who is an enemy to Gabriel! For he it is who hath revealed (this Scripture) to thy heart by Allah's leave, confirming that which was (revealed) before it, and a guidance and glad tidings to believers;
With Allah's permission, Gabriel revealed this Scripture to Muhammad's heart.
98 Who is an enemy to Allah, and His angels and His messengers, and Gabriel and Michael! Then, lo! Allah (Himself) is an enemy to the disbelievers.
Allah (himself) is an enemy to the disbelievers.
99 Verily We have revealed unto thee clear tokens, and only miscreants will disbelieve in them.
100 Is it ever so that when they make a covenant a party of them set it aside? The truth is, most of them believe not.
101 And when there cometh unto them a messenger from Allah, confirming that which they possess, a party of those who have received the Scripture fling the Scripture of Allah behind their backs as if they knew not,
102 And follow that which the devils falsely related against the kingdom of Solomon. Solomon disbelieved not; but the devils disbelieved, teaching mankind magic and that which was revealed to the two angels in Babel, Harut and Marut. Nor did they (the two angels) teach it to anyone till they had said: We are only a temptation, therefore disbelieve not (in the guidance of Allah). And from these two ( angles) people learn that by which they cause division between man and wife; but they injure thereby no-one save by Allah's leave. And they learn that which harmeth them and profiteth them not. And surely they do know that he who trafficketh therein will have no (happy) portion in the Hereafter; and surely evil is the price for which they sell their souls, if they but knew.
103 And if they had believed and kept from evil, a recompense from Allah would be better, if they only knew.
We have revealed "clear tokens."
Only evil people disbelieve in them.
(And most people don't believe in them.) 
104 O ye who believe, say not (unto the Prophet): "Listen to us" but say "Look upon us," and be ye listeners. For disbelievers is a painful doom.
105 Neither those who disbelieve among the people of the Scripture nor the idolaters love that there should be sent down unto you any good thing from your Lord. But Allah chooseth for His mercy whom He will, and Allah is of Infinite Bounty.
For disbelievers, Allah has prepared a painful doom.
106Nothing of our revelation (even a single verse) do we abrogate or cause be forgotten, but we bring (in place) one better or the like thereof. Knowest thou not that Allah is Able to do all things?
107 Knowest thou not that it is Allah unto Whom belongeth the Sovereignty of the heavens and the earth; and ye have not, beside Allah, any guardian or helper?
Nothing in the Quran, not a single verse, is wrong -- except for the verses that are wrong, that is. And we (Allah) will replace them later with better verses. 
108 Or would ye question your messenger as Moses was questioned aforetime? He who chooseth disbelief instead of faith, verily he hath gone astray from a plain road.
109Many of the people of the Scripture long to make you disbelievers after your belief, through envy on their own account, after the truth hath become manifest unto them. Forgive and be indulgent (toward them) until Allah give command. Lo! Allah is Able to do all things.
Don't question anything Muhammed says or choose disbelief over faith.
The people of the Scriptures (the Jews and Christians) know that the Muslims are correct in their beliefs, so they try to make Muslims disbelievers because they envy the truth that they know the Muslims have.
Be nice to them until Allah gives you the signal (to not be nice anymore).
110 Establish worship, and pay the poor-due; and whatever of good ye send before (you) for your souls, ye will find it with Allah. Lo! Allah is Seer of what ye do.
Pay your taxes to help poor people.
111 And they say: None entereth paradise unless he be a Jew or a Christian. These are their own desires. Say: Bring your proof (of what ye state) if ye are truthful.
112 Nay, but whosoever surrendereth his purpose to Allah while doing good, his reward is with his Lord; and there shall no fear come upon them neither shall they grieve.
When they (the Christians and Jews) say, "No one enters paradise unless they are a Christian or a Jew."
Say to them, "Prove that your beliefs are true." 
113And the Jews say the Christians follow nothing (true), and the Christians say the Jews follow nothing (true); yet both are readers of the Scripture. Even thus speak those who know not. Allah will judge between them on the Day of Resurrection concerning that wherein they differ.
The Jews say the Christians are wrong, and the Christians say the Jews are wrong. 
Yet both read the scriptures.
114 And who doth greater wrong than he who forbiddeth the approach to the sanctuaries of Allah lest His name should be mentioned therein, and striveth for their ruin. As for such, it was never meant that they should enter them except in fear. Theirs in the world is ignominy and theirs in the Hereafter is an awful doom.
115 Unto Allah belong the East and the West, and whithersoever ye turn, there is Allah's Countenance. Lo! Allah is All-Embracing, All-Knowing.
116 And they say: Allah hath taken unto Himself a son. Be He glorified! Nay, but whatsoever is in the heavens and the earth is His. All are subservient unto Him.
117 The Originator of the heavens and the earth! When He decreeth a thing, He saith unto it only: Be! and it is.
Allah will make their lives miserable in this world and torture them forever after they die.
118 And those who have no knowledge say: Why doth not Allah speak unto us, or some sign come unto us? Even thus, as they now speak, spake those (who were) before them. Their hearts are all alike. We have made clear the revelations for people who are sure.
Pay no attention to those who say, "Why doesn't Allah speak to us, or give us a sign?"
Our revelations are clear to those that already believe that our revelations are clear.
119 Lo! We have sent thee (O Muhammad) with the truth, a bringer of glad tidings and a warner. And thou wilt not be asked about the owners of hell-fire.
120 And the Jews will not be pleased with thee, nor will the Christians, till thou follow their creed. Say: Lo! the guidance of Allah (Himself) is Guidance. And if thou shouldst follow their desires after the knowledge which hath come unto thee, then wouldst thou have from Allah no protecting guardian nor helper.
We sent Muhammad with the truth.
121Those unto whom We have given the Scripture, who read it with the right reading, those believe in it. And whoso disbelieveth in it, those are they who are the losers.
We gave you the scriptures.
Those who disbelieve in them are losers.
122O Children of Israel! Remember My favour wherewith I favoured you and how I preferred you to (all) creatures.
123 And guard (yourselves) against a day when no soul will in aught avail another, nor will compensation be accepted from it, nor will intercession be of use to it; nor will they be helped.
124 And (remember) when his Lord tried Abraham with (His) commands, and he fulfilled them, He said: Lo! I have appointed thee a leader for mankind. (Abraham) said: And of my offspring (will there be leaders) ? He said: My covenant includeth not wrong-doers.
125 And when We made the House (at Makka) a resort for mankind and sanctuary, (saying): Take as your place of worship the place where Abraham stood (to pray). And We imposed a duty upon Abraham and Ishmael, (saying): Purify My house for those who go around and those who meditate therein and those who bow down and prostrate themselves (in worship).
To the Jews I say:
Remember how I prefered you to everyone else?
A day is coming when no one will help anyone, including Allah.
126 And when Abraham prayed: My Lord! Make this a region of security and bestow upon its people fruits, such of them as believe in Allah and the Last Day, He answered: As for him who disbelieveth, I shall leave him in contentment for a while, then I shall compel him to the doom of Fire - a hapless journey's end!
I'll take care of the disbelievers later
(by burning them forever in the Fire).
127 And when Abraham and Ishmael were raising the foundations of the House, (Abraham prayed): Our Lord! Accept from us (this duty). Lo! Thou, only Thou, art the Hearer, the Knower.
128 Our Lord! And make us submissive unto Thee and of our seed a nation submissive unto Thee, and show us our ways of worship, and relent toward us. Lo! Thou, only Thou, art the Relenting, the Merciful.
129 Our Lord! And raise up in their midst a messenger from among them who shall recite unto them Thy revelations, and shall instruct them in the Scripture and in wisdom and shall make them grow. Lo! Thou, only Thou, art the Mighty, Wise.
Abraham and Ishmael built the House. 
130 And who forsaketh the religion of Abraham save him who befooleth himself? Verily We chose him in the world, and lo! in the Hereafter he is among the righteous.
131 When his Lord said unto him: Surrender! he said: I have surrendered to the Lord of the Worlds.
Those who forsake the religion of Abraham befool themselves.
132The same did Abraham enjoin upon his sons, and also Jacob, (saying): O my sons! Lo! Allah hath chosen for you the (true) religion; therefore die not save as men who have surrendered (unto Him).
133 Or were ye present when death came to Jacob, when he said unto his sons: What will ye worship after me ? They said: We shall worship thy God, the God of thy fathers, Abraham and Ishmael and Isaac, One God, and unto Him we have surrendered.
134 Those are a people who have passed away. Theirs is that which they earned, and yours is that which ye earn. And ye will not be asked of what they used to do.
135 And they say: Be Jews or Christians, then ye will be rightly guided. Say (unto them, O Muhammad): Nay, but (we follow) the religion of Abraham, the upright, and he was not of the idolaters.
136 Say (O Muslims): We believe in Allah and that which is revealed unto us and that which was revealed unto Abraham, and Ishmael, and Isaac, and Jacob, and the tribes, and that which Moses and Jesus received, and that which the prophets received from their Lord. We make no distinction between any of them, and unto Him we have surrendered.
137 And if they believe in the like of that which ye believe, then are they rightly guided. But if they turn away, then are they in schism, and Allah will suffice thee (for defence) against them. He is the Hearer, the Knower.
Abraham said to his sons,
Allah has chosen your religion for you. 
Don't die without surrendering to him.
138(We take our) colour from Allah, and who is better than Allah at colouring. We are His worshippers.
We take our color from Allah.
And who is better at coloring than Allah?
139 Say (unto the People of the Scripture): Dispute ye with us concerning Allah when He is our Lord and your Lord? Ours are our works and yours your works. We look to Him alone.
140 Or say ye that Abraham, and Ishmael, and Isaac, and Jacob, and the tribes were Jews or Christians? Say: Do ye know best, or doth Allah? And who is more unjust than he who hideth a testimony which he hath received from Allah? Allah is not unaware of what ye do.
141 Those are a people who have passed away; theirs is that which they earned and yours that which ye earn. And ye will not be asked of what they used to do.
142The foolish of the people will say: What hath turned them from the qiblah which they formerly observed? Say: Unto Allah belong the East and the West. He guideth whom He will unto a straight path.
Foolish people will say: "Why has the qiblah changed?" 
Say to them: "Allah can do whatever he likes."
143 Thus We have appointed you a middle nation, that ye may be witnesses against mankind, and that the messenger may be a witness against you. And We appointed the qiblah which ye formerly observed only that We might know him who followeth the messenger, from him who turneth on his heels. In truth it was a hard (test) save for those whom Allah guided. But it was not Allah's purpose that your faith should be in vain, for Allah is Full of Pity, Merciful toward mankind.
So we (Allah) changed it.
144 We have seen the turning of thy face to heaven (for guidance, O Muhammad). And now verily We shall make thee turn (in prayer) toward a qiblah which is dear to thee. So turn thy face toward the Inviolable Place of Worship, and ye (O Muslims), wheresoever ye may be, turn your faces (when ye pray) toward it. Lo! Those who have received the Scripture know that (this revelation) is the Truth from their Lord. And Allah is not unaware of what they do.
145 And even if thou broughtest unto those who have received the Scripture all kinds of portents, they would not follow thy qiblah, nor canst thou be a follower of their qiblah; nor are some of them followers of the qiblah of others. And if thou shouldst follow their desires after the knowledge which hath come unto thee, then surely wert thou of the evil-doers.
146 Those unto whom We gave the Scripture recognise (this revelation) as they recognise their sons. But lo! a party of them knowingly conceal the truth.
147 It is the Truth from thy Lord (O Muhammad), so be not thou of those who waver.
148 And each one hath a goal toward which he turneth; so vie with one another in good works. Wheresoever ye may be, Allah will bring you all together. Lo! Allah is Able to do all things.
Now we're going to make you face a different diretion when you pray. (And this revelation is true.)
149 And whencesoever thou comest forth (for prayer, O Muhammad) turn thy face toward the Inviolable Place of Worship. Lo! it is the Truth from thy Lord. Allah is not unaware of what ye do.
150 Whencesoever thou comest forth turn thy face toward the Inviolable Place of Worship; and wheresoever ye may be (O Muslims) turn your faces toward it (when ye pray) so that men may have no argument against you, save such of them as do injustice - Fear them not, but fear Me! - and so that I may complete My grace upon you, and that ye may be guided.
151 Even as We have sent unto you a messenger from among you, who reciteth unto you Our revelations and causeth you to grow, and teacheth you the Scripture and wisdom, and teacheth you that which ye knew not.
152 Therefore remember Me, I will remember you. Give thanks to Me, and reject not Me.
153 O ye who believe! Seek help in steadfastness and prayer. Lo! Allah is with the steadfast.
154 And call not those who are slain in the way of Allah "dead." Nay, they are living, only ye perceive not.
155 And surely We shall try you with something of fear and hunger, and loss of wealth and lives and crops; but give glad tidings to the steadfast,
156 Who say, when a misfortune striketh them: Lo! we are Allah's and lo! unto Him we are returning.
157 Such are they on whom are blessings from their Lord, and mercy. Such are the rightly guided.
158 Lo! (the mountains) As-Safa and Al-Marwah are among the indications of Allah. It is therefore no sin for him who is on pilgrimage to the House (of God) or visiteth it, to go around them (as the pagan custom is). And he who doeth good of his own accord, (for him) lo! Allah is Responsive, Aware.
So when you pray, Muhammad, turn your face in the proper direction.
159 Lo! Those who hide the proofs and the guidance which We revealed, after We had made it clear to mankind in the Scripture: such are accursed of Allah and accursed of those who have the power to curse.
160 Except those who repent and amend and make manifest (the truth). These it is toward whom I relent. I am the Relenting, the Merciful.
Allah will curse those who "hide the proofs and the guidance" that we (Allah) have revealed. 
161 Lo! Those who disbelieve, and die while they are disbelievers; on them is the curse of Allah and of angels and of men combined.
Those who disbelieve in the Quran, and die in their disbelief, are cursed by Allah, the angels, and men combined. 
162They ever dwell therein. The doom will not be lightened for them, neither will they be reprieved.
They will are doomed, and the doom won't be lightened for them.
163 Your God is One God; there is no God save Him, the Beneficent, the Merciful.
164 Lo! In the creation of the heavens and the earth, and the difference of night and day, and the ships which run upon the sea with that which is of use to men, and the water which Allah sendeth down from the sky, thereby reviving the earth after its death, and dispersing all kinds of beasts therein, and (in) the ordinance of the winds, and the clouds obedient between heaven and earth: are signs (of Allah's Sovereignty) for people who have sense.
God is beneficent and merciful.
165 Yet of mankind are some who take unto themselves (objects of worship which they set as) rivals to Allah, loving them with a love like (that which is the due) of Allah (only) - those who believe are stauncher in their love for Allah - Oh, that those who do evil had but known, (on the day) when they behold the doom, that power belongeth wholly to Allah, and that Allah is severe in punishment!
166 (On the day) when those who were followed disown those who followed (them), and they behold the doom, and all their aims collapse with them.
They'll be sorry when they see the doom.
Allah is severe in punishment!
167 And those who were but followers will say: If a return were possible for us, we would disown them even as they have disowned us. Thus will Allah show them their own deeds as anguish for them, and they will not emerge from the Fire.
168 O mankind! Eat of that which is lawful and wholesome in the earth, and follow not the footsteps of the devil. Lo! he is an open enemy for you.
169 He enjoineth upon you only the evil and the foul, and that ye should tell concerning Allah that which ye know not.
170 And when it is said unto them: Follow that which Allah hath revealed, they say: We follow that wherein we found our fathers. What! Even though their fathers were wholly unintelligent and had no guidance?
They'll burn forever in the fire.
171 The likeness of those who disbelieve (in relation to the messenger) is as the likeness of one who calleth unto that which heareth naught except a shout and cry. Deaf, dumb, blind, therefore they have no sense.
172 O ye who believe! Eat of the good things wherewith We have provided you, and render thanks to Allah if it is (indeed) He Whom ye worship.
Disbelievers are deaf, dumb, blind, and senseless.
173He hath forbidden you only carrion, and blood, and swineflesh, and that which hath been immolated to (the name of) any other than Allah. But he who is driven by necessity, neither craving nor transgressing, it is no sin for him. Lo! Allah is Forgiving, Merciful.
Don't eat carrion, blood, pork, or animals that have been sacrificed to other gods.
174 Lo! those who hide aught of the Scripture which Allah hath revealed and purchase a small gain therewith, they eat into their bellies nothing else than fire. Allah will not speak to them on the Day of Resurrection, nor will He make them grow. Theirs will be a painful doom.
Those who hide the Quran will get fire in their bellies.
And after they die they'll get the usual painful doom.
175 Those are they who purchase error at the price of guidance, and torment at the price of pardon. How constant are they in their strife to reach the Fire!
176 That is because Allah hath revealed the Scripture with the truth. Lo! those who find (a cause of) disagreement in the Scripture are in open schism.
They are always trying to reach the Fire!
177 It is not righteousness that ye turn your faces to the East and the West; but righteous is he who believeth in Allah and the Last Day and the angels and the Scripture and the prophets; and giveth wealth, for love of Him, to kinsfolk and to orphans and the needy and the wayfarer and to those who ask, and to set slaves free; and observeth proper worship and payeth the poor-due. And those who keep their treaty when they make one, and the patient in tribulation and adversity and time of stress. Such are they who are sincere. Such are the God-fearing.
Give to family, relatives, and the needy.
Set slaves free. 
Pay taxes to help the poor.
178 O ye who believe! Retaliation is prescribed for you in the matter of the murdered; the freeman for the freeman, and the slave for the slave, and the female for the female. And for him who is forgiven somewhat by his (injured) brother, prosecution according to usage and payment unto him in kindness. This is an alleviation and a mercy from your Lord. He who transgresseth after this will have a painful doom.
179 And there is life for you in retaliation, O men of understanding, that ye may ward off (evil).
If someone murders your slave, then kill one of theirs.
If it was a male that was killed, kill one of the killer's male slaves.
If a it was female slave, kill one their female slaves.
Murder for murder. Slave for slave.
Follow these rules or you'll have the usual painful doom.
There's life in retaliation. It wards off evil.
180 It is prescribed for you, when death approacheth one of you, if he leave wealth, that he bequeath unto parents and near relatives in kindness. (This is) a duty for all those who ward off (evil).
181 And whoso changeth (the will) after he hath heard it - the sin thereof is only upon those who change it. Lo! Allah is Hearer, Knower.
182 But he who feareth from a testator some unjust or sinful clause, and maketh peace between the parties, (it shall be) no sin for him. Lo! Allah is Forgiving, Merciful.
When you die, leave all your wealth to your family. 
This is a duty (to ward off evil).
183 O ye who believe! Fasting is prescribed for you, even as it was prescribed for those before you, that ye may ward off (evil);
184 (Fast) a certain number of days; and (for) him who is sick among you, or on a journey, (the same) number of other days; and for those who can afford it there is a ransom: the feeding of a man in need - but whoso doeth good of his own accord, it is better for him: and that ye fast is better for you if ye did but know -
You must fast (to ward off evil).
185The month of Ramadan in which was revealed the Qur'an, a guidance for mankind, and clear proofs of the guidance, and the Criterion (of right and wrong). And whosoever of you is present, let him fast the month, and whosoever of you is sick or on a journey, (let him fast the same) number of other days. Allah desireth for you ease; He desireth not hardship for you; and (He desireth) that ye should complete the period, and that ye should magnify Allah for having guided you, and that peradventure ye may be thankful.
186 And when My servants question thee concerning Me, then surely I am nigh. I answer the prayer of the suppliant when he crieth unto Me. So let them hear My call and let them trust in Me, in order that they may be led aright.
The month of Ramadan is revealed in the Quran.
You must fast during Ramadan.
The Quran provides clear guidance on all aspects of morality.
187It is made lawful for you to go in unto your wives on the night of the fast. They are raiment for you and ye are raiment for them. Allah is Aware that ye were deceiving yourselves in this respect and He hath turned in mercy toward you and relieved you. So hold intercourse with them and seek that which Allah hath ordained for you, and eat and drink until the white thread becometh distinct to you from the black thread of the dawn. Then strictly observe the fast till nightfall and touch them not, but be at your devotions in the mosques. These are the limits imposed by Allah, so approach them not. Thus Allah expoundeth His revelation to mankind that they may ward off (evil).
188 And eat not up your property among yourselves in vanity, nor seek by it to gain the hearing of the judges that ye may knowingly devour a portion of the property of others wrongfully.
But it's OK to have sex with your wives during Ramadan (at least after sunset).
In fact you must "hold intercourse with them." All of them.
It is your sacred Muslim duty.
189 They ask thee, (O Muhammad), of new moons, say: They are fixed seasons for mankind and for the pilgrimage. It is not righteousness that ye go to houses by the backs thereof (as do the idolaters at certain seasons), but the righteous man is he who wardeth off (evil). So go to houses by the gates thereof, and observe your duty to Allah, that ye may be successful.
New moons determine the seasons and the pilgrimage. 
190Fight in the way of Allah against those who fight against you, but begin not hostilities. Lo! Allah loveth not aggressors.
191 And slay them wherever ye find them, and drive them out of the places whence they drove you out, for persecution is worse than slaughter. And fight not with them at the Inviolable Place of Worship until they first attack you there, but if they attack you (there) then slay them. Such is the reward of disbelievers.
192 But if they desist, then lo! Allah is Forgiving, Merciful.
Fight in the way of Allah against those who fight against you. 
But don't begin the war.
Kill them wherever you find them, for persecution is worse than slaughter. 
If disbelievers attack you, kill them. That is the reward for disbelief.
193 And fight them until persecution is no more, and religion is for Allah. But if they desist, then let there be no hostility except against wrong-doers.
Fight until there is no more persecution and everyone on earth is a Muslim.
194 The forbidden month for the forbidden month, and forbidden things in retaliation. And one who attacketh you, attack him in like manner as he attacked you. Observe your duty to Allah, and know that Allah is with those who ward off (evil).
Attack them in the same manner that they attack you. 
195Spend your wealth for the cause of Allah, and be not cast by your own hands to ruin; and do good. Lo! Allah loveth the beneficent.
196 Perform the pilgrimage and the visit (to Makka) for Allah. And if ye are prevented, then send such gifts as can be obtained with ease, and shave not your heads until the gifts have reached their destination. And whoever among you is sick or hath an ailment of the head must pay a ransom of fasting or almsgiving or offering. And if ye are in safety, then whosoever contenteth himself with the visit for the pilgrimage (shall give) such gifts as can be had with ease. And whosoever cannot find (such gifts), then a fast of three days while on the pilgrimage, and of seven when ye have returned; that is, ten in all. That is for him whoso folk are not present at the Inviolable Place of Worship. Observe your duty to Allah, and know that Allah is severe in punishment.
197 The pilgrimage is (in) the well-known months, and whoever is minded to perform the pilgrimage therein (let him remember that) there is (to be) no lewdness nor abuse nor angry conversation on the pilgrimage. And whatsoever good ye do Allah knoweth it. So make provision for yourselves (Hereafter); for the best provision is to ward off evil. Therefore keep your duty unto Me, O men of understanding.
198 It is no sin for you that ye seek the bounty of your Lord (by trading). But, when ye press on in the multitude from 'Arafat, remember Allah by the sacred monument. Remember Him as He hath guided you, although before ye were of those astray.
199 Then hasten onward from the place whence the multitude hasteneth onward, and ask forgiveness of Allah. Lo! Allah is Forgiving, Merciful.
200 And when ye have completed your devotions, then remember Allah as ye remember your fathers or with a more lively remembrance. But of mankind is he who saith: "Our Lord! Give unto us in the world," and he hath no portion in the Hereafter.
Spend your money in the cause of Allah. 
201 And of them (also) is he who saith: "Our Lord! Give unto us in the world that which is good and in the Hereafter that which is good, and guard us from the doom of Fire."
202 For them there is in store a goodly portion out of that which they have earned. Allah is swift at reckoning.
203 Remember Allah through the appointed days. Then whoso hasteneth (his departure) by two days, it is no sin for him, and whoso delayeth, it is no sin for him; that is for him who wardeth off (evil). Be careful of your duty to Allah, and know that unto Him ye will be gathered.
204 And of mankind there is he whoso conversation on the life of this world pleaseth thee (Muhammad), and he calleth Allah to witness as to that which is in his heart; yet he is the most rigid of opponents.
205 And when he turneth away (from thee) his effort in the land is to make mischief therein and to destroy the crops and the cattle; and Allah loveth not mischief.
Protect us from the doom of fire.
206 And when it is said unto him: Be careful of thy duty to Allah, pride taketh him to sin. Hell will settle his account, an evil resting-place.
207 And of mankind is he who would sell himself, seeking the pleasure of Allah; and Allah hath compassion on (His) bondmen.
208 O ye who believe! Come, all of you, into submission (unto Him); and follow not the footsteps of the devil. Lo! he is an open enemy for you.
209 And if ye slide back after the clear proofs have come unto you, then know that Allah is Mighty, Wise.
210 Wait they for naught else than that Allah should come unto them in the shadows of the clouds with the angels ? Then the case would be already judged. All cases go back to Allah (for judgment).
211 Ask of the Children of Israel how many a clear revelation We gave them! He who altereth the grace of Allah after it hath come unto him (for him), lo! Allah is severe in punishment.
Pride leads to sin, which leads to hell, an evil resting-place.
212Beautified is the life of the world for those who disbelieve; they make a jest of the believers. But those who keep their duty to Allah will be above them on the Day of Resurrection. Allah giveth without stint to whom He will.
213 Mankind were one community, and Allah sent (unto them) prophets as bearers of good tidings and as warners, and revealed therewith the Scripture with the truth that it might judge between mankind concerning that wherein they differed. And only those unto whom (the Scripture) was given differed concerning it, after clear proofs had come unto them, through hatred one of another. And Allah by His Will guided those who believe unto the truth of that concerning which they differed. Allah guideth whom He will unto a straight path.
214 Or think ye that ye will enter paradise while yet there hath not come unto you the like of (that which came to) those who passed away before you ? Affliction and adversity befell them, they were shaken as with earthquake, till the messenger (of Allah) and those who believed along with him said: When cometh Allah's help ? Now surely Allah's help is nigh.
Life is beautiful to disbelievers and they like to make fun of believers.
But believers will be above them on the day of resurrection.
215 They ask thee, (O Muhammad), what they shall spend. Say: that which ye spend for good (must go) to parents and near kindred and orphans and the needy and the wayfarer. And whatsoever good ye do, lo! Allah is Aware of it.
Help your parents, orphans, and the needy.
216Warfare is ordained for you, though it is hateful unto you; but it may happen that ye hate a thing which is good for you, and it may happen that ye love a thing which is bad for you. Allah knoweth, ye know not.
Warfare is ordained for you. 
You may hate it, but it's good for you.
217 They question thee (O Muhammad) with regard to warfare in the sacred month. Say: Warfare therein is a great (transgression), but to turn (men) from the way of Allah, and to disbelieve in Him and in the Inviolable Place of Worship, and to expel His people thence, is a greater with Allah; for persecution is worse than killing. And they will not cease from fighting against you till they have made you renegades from your religion, if they can. And whoso becometh a renegade and dieth in his disbelief: such are they whose works have fallen both in the world and the Hereafter. Such are rightful owners of the Fire: they will abide therein.
Persecution is worse than killing. 
They won't stop fighting until you renounce your religion.
And whoever dies a disbeliever will burn forever in the fire.
218 Lo! those who believe, and those who emigrate (to escape the persecution) and strive in the way of Allah, these have hope of Allah's mercy. Allah is Forgiving, Merciful.
219They question thee about strong drink and games of chance. Say: In both is great sin, and (some) utility for men; but the sin of them is greater than their usefulness. And they ask thee what they ought to spend. Say: that which is superfluous. Thus Allah maketh plain to you (His) revelations, that haply ye may reflect.
If you are asked about drinking and gambling, say:
Drinking and gambling are sinful, but useful. 
But their sinfulness is greater than their usefulness.
Just try not to spend too much on things that are superfluous.
Allah makes his revelations plain so you can happily reflect.
220 Upon the world and the Hereafter. And they question thee concerning orphans. Say: To improve their lot is best. And if ye mingle your affairs with theirs, then (they are) your brothers. Allah knoweth him who spoileth from him who improveth. Had Allah willed He could have overburdened you. Allah is Mighty, Wise.
221Wed not idolatresses till they believe; for lo! a believing bondwoman is better than an idolatress though she please you; and give not your daughters in marriage to idolaters till they believe, for lo! a believing slave is better than an idolater though he please you. These invite unto the Fire, and Allah inviteth unto the Garden, and unto forgiveness by His grace, and expoundeth His revelations to mankind that haply they may remember.
Don't marry a non-muslim idolatress, because female muslim slave is better than an idolatress, no matter how much she pleases you.
And don't give your daughters to a non-muslim idolaters.
Invite them to the fire instead.
222 They question thee (O Muhammad) concerning menstruation. Say: It is an illness, so let women alone at such times and go not in unto them till they are cleansed. And when they have purified themselves, then go in unto them as Allah hath enjoined upon you. Truly Allah loveth those who turn unto Him, and loveth those who have a care for cleanness.
When they ask you (Muhammad) about menstruation, say:
Menstruation is an illness, so stay away from menstruating women.
Don't have sex with them until they are cleansed and purified. Then have sex with them as Allah commands.
223Your women are a tilth for you (to cultivate) so go to your tilth as ye will, and send (good deeds) before you for your souls, and fear Allah, and know that ye will (one day) meet Him. Give glad tidings to believers, (O Muhammad).
Your women are like a field for your to plow and cultivate.
Have sex with them whenever you please. (Unless they're menstruating, that is.)
224 And make not Allah, by your oaths, a hindrance to your being righteous and observing your duty unto Him and making peace among mankind. Allah is Hearer, Knower.
225 Allah will not take you to task for that which is unintentional in your oaths. But He will take you to task for that which your hearts have garnered. Allah is Forgiving, Clement.
Don't make oaths to All that hinder world peace.
226Those who forswear their wives must wait four months; then, if they change their mind, lo! Allah is Forgiving, Merciful.
227 And if they decide upon divorce (let them remember that) Allah is Hearer, Knower.
If you decide you don't want to have sex anymore with one of your wives, wait four months.
Maybe you'll change your mind.
228Women who are divorced shall wait, keeping themselves apart, three (monthly) courses. And it is not lawful for them that they should conceal that which Allah hath created in their wombs if they are believers in Allah and the Last Day. And their husbands would do better to take them back in that case if they desire a reconciliation. And they (women) have rights similar to those (of men) over them in kindness, and men are a degree above them. Allah is Mighty, Wise.
Women may not have sex for three months after getting a divorce.
If they skip one of their periods, they must not hide it.
If they pass that test, their ex-husbands might take their wives back again.
Women have rights similar to men. But men are better than women.
229Divorce must be pronounced twice and then (a woman) must be retained in honour or released in kindness. And it is not lawful for you that ye take from women aught of that which ye have given them; except (in the case) when both fear that they may not be able to keep within the limits (imposed by) Allah. And if ye fear that they may not be able to keep the limits of Allah, in that case it is no sin for either of them if the woman ransom herself. These are the limits (imposed by) Allah. Transgress them not. For whoso transgresseth Allah's limits: such are wrong-doers.
A woman can only be divorced and remarried by the same husband twice. If she is divorced a thrid time, the divorce is final.
But she can ransom herself. 
230 And if he hath divorced her (the third time), then she is not lawful unto him thereafter until she hath wedded another husband. Then if he (the other husband) divorce her it is no sin for both of them that they come together again if they consider that they are able to observe the limits of Allah. These are the limits of Allah. He manifesteth them for people who have knowledge.
If a man divorces a wife for the third time, he can't remarry her until after she has married another man.
Then if she divorces her new husband, the old husband can marry her for the third time.
231When ye have divorced women, and they have reached their term, then retain them in kindness or release them in kindness. Retain them not to their hurt so that ye transgress (the limits). He who doeth that hath wronged his soul. Make not the revelations of Allah a laughing-stock (by your behaviour), but remember Allah's grace upon you and that which He hath revealed unto you of the Scripture and of wisdom, whereby He doth exhort you. Observe your duty to Allah and know that Allah is Aware of all things.
After your divorced wives have reached the end of their 3 month waiting period, you can take them or leave them.
Just don't make Allah a laughing-stock.
232And when ye have divorced women and they reach their term, place not difficulties in the way of their marrying their husbands if it is agreed between them in kindness. This is an admonition for him among you who believeth in Allah and the Last Day. That is more virtuous for you, and cleaner. Allah knoweth; ye know not.
If you decide to go ahead with the divorce, let your ex-wives get married again.
It's cleaner that way. Allah knows; you don't.
233 Mothers shall suckle their children for two whole years; (that is) for those who wish to complete the suckling. The duty of feeding and clothing nursing mothers in a seemly manner is upon the father of the child. No-one should be charged beyond his capacity. A mother should not be made to suffer because of her child, nor should he to whom the child is born (be made to suffer) because of his child. And on the (father's) heir is incumbent the like of that (which was incumbent on the father). If they desire to wean the child by mutual consent and (after) consultation, it is no sin for them; and if ye wish to give your children out to nurse, it is no sin for you, provide that ye pay what is due from you in kindness. Observe your duty to Allah, and know that Allah is Seer of what ye do.
Mothers should nurse their babies for two whole years (unless they decide not to).
And you can pay some other woman do it for you if you want. Whatever.
234Such of you as die and leave behind them wives, they (the wives) shall wait, keeping themselves apart, four months and ten days. And when they reach the term (prescribed for them) then there is no sin for you in aught that they may do with themselves in decency. Allah is informed of what ye do.
235 There is no sin for you in that which ye proclaim or hide in your minds concerning your troth with women. Allah knoweth that ye will remember them. But plight not your troth with women except by uttering a recognised form of words. And do not consummate the marriage until (the term) prescribed is run. Know that Allah knoweth what is in your minds, so beware of Him; and know that Allah is Forgiving, Clement.
236 It is no sin for you if ye divorce women while yet ye have not touched them, nor appointed unto them a portion. Provide for them, the rich according to his means, and the straitened according to his means, a fair provision. (This is) a bounden duty for those who do good.
237 If ye divorce them before ye have touched them and ye have appointed unto them a portion, then (pay the) half of that which ye appointed, unless they (the women) agree to forgo it, or he agreeth to forgo it in whose hand is the marriage tie. To forgo is nearer to piety. And forget not kindness among yourselves. Allah is Seer of what ye do.
238 Be guardians of your prayers, and of the midmost prayer, and stand up with devotion to Allah.
239 And if ye go in fear, then (pray) standing or on horseback. And when ye are again in safety, remember Allah, as He hath taught you that which (heretofore) ye knew not.
240 (In the case of) those of you who are about to die and leave behind them wives, they should bequeath unto their wives a provision for the year without turning them out, but if they go out (of their own accord) there is no sin for you in that which they do of themselves within their rights. Allah is Mighty, Wise.
241 For divorced women a provision in kindness: a duty for those who ward off (evil).
After you die, your wives can't have sex for four months and ten days.
After that, if they're not pregnant, it's no sin for you (you're dead, remember?) if they have sex again.
242Thus Allah expoundeth unto you His revelations so that ye may understand.
Allah is telling you this so you can understand.
243Bethink thee (O Muhammad) of those of old, who went forth from their habitations in their thousands, fearing death, and Allah said unto them: Die; and then He brought them back to life. Lo! Allah is a Lord of Kindness to mankind, but most of mankind give not thanks.
Remember the story about the resurrected people?
You know, the one where thousands of people were afraid of dying, Allah said,"Die", and then brought them back to life. 
244Fight in the way of Allah, and know that Allah is Hearer, Knower.
Fight in the way of Allah.
245Who is it that will lend unto Allah a goodly loan, so that He may give it increase manifold? Allah straiteneth and enlargeth. Unto Him ye will return.
246 Bethink thee of the leaders of the Children of Israel after Moses, how they said unto a prophet whom they had: Set up for us a king and we will fight in Allah's way. He said: Would ye then refrain from fighting if fighting were prescribed for you ? They said: Why should we not fight in Allah's way when we have been driven from our dwellings with our children? Yet, when fighting was prescribed for them, they turned away, all save a few of them. Allah is aware of evil-doers.
Who will lend Allah a goodly loan? He'll pay it back with interest.
Allah straightens and enlarges whatever is bent or small.
247Their Prophet said unto them: Lo! Allah hath raised up Saul to be a king for you. They said: How can he have kingdom over us when we are more deserving of the kingdom than he is, since he hath not been given wealth enough? He said: Lo! Allah hath chosen him above you, and hath increased him abundantly in wisdom and stature. Allah bestoweth His Sovereignty on whom He will. Allah is All-Embracing, All-Knowing.
248And their Prophet said unto them: Lo! the token of his kingdom is that there shall come unto you the ark wherein is peace of reassurance from your Lord, and a remnant of that which the house of Moses and the house of Aaron left behind, the angels bearing it. Lo! herein shall be a token for you if (in truth) ye are believers.
When Saul was king, the ark was returned, carried by angels. 
249 And when Saul set out with the army, he said: Lo! Allah will try you by (the ordeal of) a river. Whosoever therefore drinketh thereof he is not of me, and whosoever tasteth it not he is of me, save him who taketh (thereof) in the hollow of his hand. But they drank thereof, all save a few of them. And after he had crossed (the river), he and those who believed with him, they said: We have no power this day against Goliath and his hosts. But those who knew that they would meet Allah exclaimed: How many a little company hath overcome a mighty host by Allah's leave! Allah is with the steadfast.
250 And when they went into the field against Goliath and his hosts they said: Our Lord! Bestow on us endurance, make our foothold sure, and give us help against the disbelieving folk.
251 So they routed them by Allah's leave and David slew Goliath; and Allah gave him the kingdom and wisdom, and taught him of that which He willeth. And if Allah had not repelled some men by others the earth would have been corrupted. But Allah is a Lord of Kindness to (His) creatures.
252 These are the portents of Allah which We recite unto thee (Muhammad) with truth, and lo! thou art of the number of (Our) messengers;
253 Of those messengers, some of whom We have caused to excel others, and of whom there are some unto whom Allah spake, while some of them He exalted (above others) in degree; and We gave Jesus, son of Mary, clear proofs (of Allah's Sovereignty) and We supported him with the holy Spirit. And if Allah had so wiled it, those who followed after them would not have fought one with another after the clear proofs had come unto them. But they differed, some of them believing and some disbelieving. And if Allah had so willed it, they would not have fought one with another; but Allah doeth what He will.
When Saul set out with an army he said,
Allah will test you with a river. 
254 O ye who believe! spend of that wherewith We have provided you ere a day come when there will be no trafficking, nor friendship, nor intercession. The disbelievers, they are the wrong-doers.
255 Allah! There is no God save Him, the Alive, the Eternal. Neither slumber nor sleep overtaketh Him. Unto Him belongeth whatsoever is in the heavens and whatsoever is in the earth. Who is he that intercedeth with Him save by His leave? He knoweth that which is in front of them and that which is behind them, while they encompass nothing of His knowledge save what He will. His throne includeth the heavens and the earth, and He is never weary of preserving them. He is the Sublime, the Tremendous.
The disbelievers, they are the wrong-doers.
256There is no compulsion in religion. The right direction is henceforth distinct from error. And he who rejecteth false deities and believeth in Allah hath grasped a firm handhold which will never break. Allah is Hearer, Knower.
There is no compulsion in religion. ,
257 Allah is the Protecting Guardian of those who believe. He bringeth them out of darkness into light. As for those who disbelieve, their patrons are false deities. They bring them out of light into darkness. Such are rightful owners of the Fire. They will abide therein.
But disbelievers will be tortured forever in a fire after they die.
258Bethink thee of him who had an argument with Abraham about his Lord, because Allah had given him the kingdom; how, when Abraham said: My Lord is He Who giveth life and causeth death, he answered: I give life and cause death. Abraham said: Lo! Allah causeth the sun to rise in the East, so do thou cause it to come up from the West. Thus was the disbeliever abashed. And Allah guideth not wrongdoing folk.
Remember the time Abraham had an argument with a disbeliever? Abraham said to him,
Allah makes the sun rise in the east.
Make it rise in the west?
This totally abashed the disbeliever. 
259 Or (bethink thee of) the like of him who, passing by a township which had fallen into utter ruin, exclaimed: How shall Allah give this township life after its death? And Allah made him die a hundred years, then brought him back to life. He said: How long hast thou tarried? (The man) said: I have tarried a day or part of a day. (He) said: Nay, but thou hast tarried for a hundred years. Just look at thy food and drink which have not rotted! Look at thine ass! And, that We may make thee a token unto mankind, look at the bones, how We adjust them and then cover them with flesh! And when (the matter) became clear unto him, he said: I know now that Allah is Able to do all things.
There was once a man who was killed by Allah and then brought back to life a hundred years later. When the man came back to life, Allah asked him,
How long have you been away?
The man said,
Oh, maybe a day or part of a day.
No, you've been gone for a hundred years.
Just look at your ass!
260 And when Abraham said (unto his Lord): My Lord! Show me how Thou givest life to the dead, He said: Dost thou not believe? Abraham said: Yea, but (I ask) in order that my heart may be at ease. (His Lord) said: Take four of the birds and cause them to incline unto thee, then place a part of them on each hill, then call them, they will come to thee in haste, and know that Allah is Mighty, Wise.
261 The likeness of those who spend their wealth in Allah's way is as the likeness of a grain which groweth seven ears, in every ear a hundred grains. Allah giveth increase manifold to whom He will. Allah is All-Embracing, All-Knowing.
262 Those who spend their wealth for the cause of Allah and afterward make not reproach and injury to follow that which they have spent; their reward is with their Lord, and there shall no fear come upon them, neither shall they grieve.
263 A kind word with forgiveness is better than almsgiving followed by injury. Allah is Absolute, Clement.
But Abraham still wan't sure he believed. So Allah said to him,
Put four birds on a hill and then call to them.
(Here birdie, birdie!)
Then when the birds come, you'll believe.
Allah is mighty, wise, idiotic.
264 O ye who believe! Render not vain your almsgiving by reproach and injury, like him who spendeth his wealth only to be seen of men and believeth not in Allah and the Last Day. His likeness is as the likeness of a rock whereon is dust of earth; a rainstorm smiteth it, leaving it smooth and bare. They have no control of aught of that which they have gained. Allah guideth not the disbelieving folk.
265 And the likeness of those who spend their wealth in search of Allah's pleasure, and for the strengthening of their souls, is as the likeness of a garden on a height. The rainstorm smiteth it and it bringeth forth its fruit twofold. And if the rainstorm smite it not, then the shower. Allah is Seer of what ye do.
266 Would any of you like to have a garden of palm-trees and vines, with rivers flowing underneath it, with all kinds of fruit for him therein; and old age hath stricken him and he hath feeble offspring; and a fiery whirlwind striketh it and it is (all) consumed by fire. Thus Allah maketh plain His revelations unto you, in order that ye may give thought.
267 O ye who believe! Spend of the good things which ye have earned, and of that which We bring forth from the earth for you, and seek not the bad (with intent) to spend thereof (in charity) when ye would not take it for yourselves save with disdain; and know that Allah is Absolute, Owner of Praise.
268 The devil promiseth you destitution and enjoineth on you lewdness. But Allah promiseth you forgiveness from Himself with bounty. Allah is All-Embracing, All-knowing.
269 He giveth wisdom unto whom He will, and he unto whom wisdom is given, he truly hath received abundant good. But none remember except men of understanding.
270 Whatever alms ye spend or vow ye vow, lo! Allah knoweth it. Wrong-doers have no helpers.
271 If ye publish your almsgiving, it is well, but if ye hide it and give it to the poor, it will be better for you, and will atone for some of your ill-deeds. Allah is Informed of what ye do.
272 The guiding of them is not thy duty (O Muhammad), but Allah guideth whom He will. And whatsoever good thing ye spend, it is for yourselves, when ye spend not save in search of Allah's Countenance; and whatsoever good thing ye spend, it will be repaid to you in full, and ye will not be wronged.
273 (Alms are) for the poor who are straitened for the cause of Allah, who cannot travel in the land (for trade). The unthinking man accounteth them wealthy because of their restraint. Thou shalt know them by their mark: They do not beg of men with importunity. And whatsoever good thing ye spend, lo! Allah knoweth it.
274 Those who spend their wealth by night and day, by stealth and openly, verily their reward is with their Lord, and their shall no fear come upon them neither shall they grieve.
Allah doesn't guide disbelievers.
275Those who swallow usury cannot rise up save as he ariseth whom the devil hath prostrated by (his) touch. That is because they say: Trade is just like usury; whereas Allah permitteth trading and forbiddeth usury. He unto whom an admonition from his Lord cometh, and (he) refraineth (in obedience thereto), he shall keep (the profits of) that which is past, and his affair (henceforth) is with Allah. As for him who returneth (to usury) - Such are rightful owners of the Fire. They will abide therein.
276 Allah hath blighted usury and made almsgiving fruitful. Allah loveth not the impious and guilty.
Those who swallow usury will burn in the fire.
277 Lo! those who believe and do good works and establish worship and pay the poor-due, their reward is with their Lord and there shall no fear come upon them neither shall they grieve.
278 O ye who believe! Observe your duty to Allah, and give up what remaineth (due to you) from usury, if ye are (in truth) believers.
279 And if ye do not, then be warned of war (against you) from Allah and His messenger. And if ye repent, then ye have your principal (without interest). Wrong not, and ye shall not be wronged.
280 And if the debtor is in straitened circumstances, then (let there be) postponement to (the time of) ease; and that ye remit the debt as almsgiving would be better for you if ye did but know.
281 And guard yourselves against a day in which ye will be brought back to Allah. Then every soul will be paid in full that which it hath earned, and they will not be wronged.
Pay taxes to help poor people.
282 O ye who believe! When ye contract a debt for a fixed term, record it in writing. Let a scribe record it in writing between you (in terms of) equity. No scribe should refuse to write as Allah hath taught him, so let him write, and let him who incurreth the debt dictate, and let him observe his duty to Allah his Lord, and diminish naught thereof. But if he who oweth the debt is of low understanding, or weak, or unable himself to dictate, then let the guardian of his interests dictate in (terms of) equity. And call two witness from among your men, two witnesses. And if two men be not at hand, then a man and two women, of such as ye approve as witnesses, so that if one erreth (though forgetfulness) the other will remember. And the witnesses must not refuse when they are summoned. Be no averse to writing down (the contract) whether it be small or great, with (record of) the term thereof. That is more equitable in the sight of Allah and more sure for testimony, and the best way of avoiding doubt between you; save only in the case when it is actual merchandise which ye transfer among yourselves from hand to hand. In that case it is no sin for you if ye write it not. And have witnesses when ye sell to one another, and let no harm be done to scribe or witness. If ye do (harm to them) lo! it is a sin in you. Observe your duty to Allah. Allah is teaching you. And Allah is knower of all things.
283 If ye be on a journey and cannot find a scribe, then a pledge in hand (shall suffice). And if one of you entrusteth to another let him who is trusted deliver up that which is entrusted to him (according to the pact between them) and let him observe his duty to Allah his Lord. Hide not testimony. He who hideth it, verily his heart is sinful. Allah is Aware of what ye do.
284 Unto Allah (belongeth) whatsoever is in the heavens and whatsoever is in the earth; and whether ye make known what is in your minds or hide it, Allah will bring you to account for it. He will forgive whom He will and He will punish whom He will. Allah is Able to do all things.
285 The messenger believeth in that which hath been revealed unto him from his Lord and (so do) believers. Each one believeth in Allah and His angels and His scriptures and His messengers - We make no distinction between any of His messengers - and they say: We hear, and we obey. (Grant us) Thy forgiveness, our Lord. Unto Thee is the journeying.
If witnesses are needed in a trial, call two men.
If you can't find two men, then a man and two women will do.
286 Allah tasketh not a soul beyond its scope. For it (is only) that which it hath earned, and against it (only) that which it hath deserved. Our Lord! Condemn us not if we forget, or miss the mark! Our Lord! Lay not on us such a burden as thou didst lay on those before us! Our Lord! Impose not on us that which we have not the strength to bear! Pardon us, absolve us and have mercy on us, Thou, our Protector, and give us victory over the disbelieving folk.
Help us defeat the disbelievers.
Surah 2 is the longest surah in the Quran. Muhammad said that Satan runs away from any house in which this surah is recited. (Maybe Satan doesn't like long surahs.)
It starts, as many surahs do, with three Arabic letters. No one knows what they mean or why they are there. But I have a theory. The mysterious letters (Alif. Lam. Mim.) are the Quranic equivalent of WTF.
Allah is wise, mysterious, funny.
The Quran is true because the Quran says it's true, just like the Bible and the Book of Mormon. There is no doubt about it.
The Quran is useful to "ward off evil," help you believe unseen things that Muhammad reveals, and be absolutely certain that you will survive their own death.
These are the successful people -- you know, the Muslims.
So if you don't believe by now, you never will. Allah has hardened your heart and blinded you to the truth. There's nothing you, or anyone else, can or should do about it.
This is repeated throughout the Quran. Disbelievers will be tormented forever after they die.
Who leads disbelievers astray?
Does Allah lead people astray?
Is Allah kind and merciful?
Doom in the Quran
The belief in a Last Day, Day of Resurrection, Day of Reckoning is also found throughout the Quran. It refers to all living creatures will be killed and all will be judged by Allah. It is a fundamental belief of all Muslims.
You see, to Allah unbelief is like a disease. And he increases the disease. He's a spiritual anti-doctor.
If you don't believe in the unseen things that Muhammad revealed, you're pretty much out of luck. Allah has already blinded your eyes (so you won't be able to see unseen things), hardened your heart (so you'll think it's cruel for Allah to "doom" disbelievers for not believing things that he prevented them from believing), and increased your disease of unbelief. Yours will be an awful doom. Sorry about that.
The previous verses say that he has already done that.
That's right you disbelievers! Just try to write a surah that's as meaningful and cool-sounding as this one:
The power of Abu Lahab will perish, and he will perish.
His wealth and gains will not exempt him.
He will be plunged in flaming Fire,
And his wife, the wood-carrier,
Will have upon her neck a halter of palm-fibre.
That is Surah 111 and there's nothing you can write that would be nearly as good.
Not that people haven't tried. Here's one that someone wrote, for example, trying match the beauty of Surah 111.
In the name of Marvin, most-merciful, all-compassionate:
Damn both hands of my neighbor Sam; damn him!
His money and children will not save him!
He will be burnt in a blazing flame --
Sam and his dame, who is also to blame.
As she was carrying wood to her home,
She put some thorns in the path where I roam.
So she shall suffer a torment most dire,
Dangling in hell from a noose of palm-fibre.
But that is obviously inferior.
Go ahead and try, though, if you want to. You will fail and Allah will burn you forever if you in the fire that he has prepared for disbelievers, whose fuel is men and stones.
There are other places in the Quran that challenge skeptics to a surah writing contest.
And this Qur'an is not such as could ever be invented ... Or say they: He hath invented it? Say: Then bring a surah like unto it. Quran 10:37-38
Or they say: He hath invented it. Say: Then bring ten surahs, the like thereof. Quran 11:13
Who is the viceroy that Allah is placing on earth? And why is he doing it if he knows it will do harm and shed blood?
Allah taught Adam all the names of the plants and animals, which must have taken a while since there are 1.7 million species that are known, with probably another 10 million or so that are yet to be discovered. And this only includes those that are alive today. If extinct species are included (~99%), then Allah must have taught Adam a billion or so names.
(In Genesis it was the other way around. God brought all the animals to Adam to see what he would name them.)
I got the impression from this verse that Iblis is an angel, but I've been told that is incorrect. Iblis is not an angel; he's a jinn. Which is a different thing entirely. (A jinn is a creature made from fire that has free will. Angels are messengers of Allah that have no free will. Elves are small semi-divine beings with pointy ears.)
Still, I'm not convinced. Sometimes Iblis is called an angel in the Quran, and sometimes a jinn. And sometimes he seems to be both angel and jinn. (Is Iblis an angel or a jinn?)
Allah doesn't say which tree Adam is supposed to stay away from. The Genesis story has a tale of two trees: the tree of knowledge and the tree of life.
See the story in DWB: God drowned the Egyptian army.
See DWB: Who is on the Lord's side - Forcing friends and family to kill each other.
No one knows what words of what saying Allah is talking about here. But whoever it was, Allah sent down his wrath from heaven upon them.
As you read the Quran you'll notice that many of the Bible's stupidest stories are made even stupider in the Quran. Take Exodus 17:1-6 for example. In the Bible, Moses strikes a rock and water comes out for the Israelites to drink. In the Quran, the same thing happens but there are twelve springs that come out of the rock, one for each tribe of Israel.
See DWB: While the flesh was still between their teeth, the Lord smote them with a very great plague.
So you must you believe in Allah, whatever was revealed to Muhammad, and the Last Day to avoid hell. Wouldn't that leave out everyone but Muslims?
The yellow cow story in the Quran is similar to the red cow story in the Bible (Numbers 19:1-10). I'll leave it to you to decide which is sillier.
Some of the details, though, were left out of the Quran and are filled in with the Hadith.
Here's how it goes: A man was murdered about the same time that the yellow cow was killed. Nobody knew who the murderer was. So Allah told the people to smite the dead man with a piece of the dead cow. When they did that, the dead man came to life and told everyone who had murdered him. (I hope I got that right.)
You can read all about it here.
Allah is right about that. There is little in the Quran that is worthy of belief.
No there's something I agree with. Most people (more than 5 billion people) disbelieve in the Quran.
There is some disagreement among Muslims about this abrogation thing. Did Allah fix earlier messed up verses in the Quran with better ones later on? Or is every verse in the Quran correct as is?
They all seem to agree, though, that when it comes to the Quran, later is better. Allah may have made some mistakes when he revealed the Quran to Muhammad, but if so, he corrected them as he went along. Allah is wise, all-knowing, careful.
When they say that you must be a Christian or a Jew to go to heaven, ask them to prove it (and hope they don't ask you the same thing when you tell them that they must be Muslim to go to heaven).
And both are right! Both follow nothing true. (Neither do the Muslims.)
"The House" is the Kaaba, which the Quran here claims was built by Abraham and Ishmael. This is the cubical building in Mecca that Muslims are supposed to make a pilgramage to at least once in their lifetime. (Wikipedia: The Hajj
The qibla is the holy direction -- the direction toward which Muslims pray. It is also the direction that the faces of dead Muslims point towards, the direction that the head of an animal is supposed to be aligned with when slaughtered, and the direction you are *not* supposed to face when doing your business in the bathroom.
Originally the qibla was toward Jerusalem, but in these verses, Muhammad changes it to point towards the Kaaba in Mecca.
The Kaaba, according to Islamic tradition, was the first building on earth. Built by Adam and re-built later by Abraham and Ishmael.
None of this is true, of course. There was no Adam to build the Kaaba. Abraham probably didn't exist either, but if he did, he didn't visit Mecca. The stories in Islam are as messed up as they are made up. But that doesn't stop 1.3 billion people from believing them.
So Allah changed the holy direction in verse 2:143-144 of the Quran. And he blathers on about it in the rest of the verses in this section of Surah 2.
Allah guides whoever he wants on a straight path. And once in a while he changes the direction of the path for no reason whatsoever.
Allah is Responsive, Aware. Arbitrary.
But how can you hide things that don't exist? There are no proofs anywhere in the Quran and whatever guidance is there is almost always bad.
But it gives me an idea, though. Maybe instead of a "Burn the Quran Day" we should have a "Hide the Quran Day." Put it where the sun doesn't shine.
So every good Muslim must join Allah and the angels in cursing dead nonbelievers.
Does this mean that slavery is forbidden in the Quran?
I guess not. The next verse answers the question.
The Quran prohibits inheritance taxes. So when rich Muslims die, they must leave all of their wealth (untaxed) to their families.
This is verse is used to justify the use of a strict lunar calendar in Islam. See also 9:36.
In this section, Allah lays down the rules of war for the religion of peace.
The first rule is that you must "fight in the way of Allah," but only against those that fight against you, and, even then, you can't start the war yourself. So preemptive war is out for Muslims.
Who is the "them" here? Disbelievers? Those that "persecute" Muslims? Soldiers and civilians? In warfare and in acts of terrorism?
Whatever your enemies do to you, you must do to them.
Rape for rape, genocide for genocide, torture for torture. Allah is with those who fight evil with evil.
(This is the Quran's version of "Turn the other cheek.")
Allah wants you to fight in wars. You probably don't want to, but Allah thinks it's good for you. And Allah knows best.
It's you and your religion against them and theirs. They won't stop fighting until they make you a "renegade from your religion" and if they succeed in that, you'll die in disbelief, And Allah will burn you forever in the Fire.
So get out there an fight in the way of Allah (or he'll burn you forever in the Fire after you die).
The "ransom" here is a payment by the wife to her husband so she can leave the marriage.
Some Muslim commentators think this is a referenct to the "Dry Bones" story in Ezekiel 37.
When the Quran starts telling Bible stories, it almost always gets them wrong.
Verses 247-8 say that the ark was returned during King Saul's rein, but the Bible says it was returned to Jerusalem by King David (while he danced nearly naked in front of God and everybody). And it was carried by Levites, not angels. (2 Samuel 6:8-15)
Next, the Quran confuses Saul with Gideon when telling the stupid dog-lapping story of Judges 7:1-8.
But the very next verse says you'll be tortured forever in a fire if you don't accept the right religion.
The disbeliever should have said, "I make the sun rise in the east. Ask Allah to make it rise in the west." That would have abashed Abraham and Allah.
(Of course this story is not in the Bible.)