First Kings for Skeptics
God, I love the way First Kings starts!
Old king David could get no heat (and David was used to getting a lot of heat), so they
searched through the kingdom for a young virgin that could do the trick for him. They found one, too, (Abishag) and "the damsel
was very fair, and cherished the king, and ministered to him: but the king knew her not." Shucks! 1:1-4
It gets boring toward the middle with the construction of the temple, but it picks up toward the end. See chapter 20 for five of God's killings,
more than any other chapter in the Bible.
Here are some highlights.
- Old King David tries to get some heat by having a beautiful virgin minister unto him. 1:1-4
- In David's last words, he commands his son Solomon to murder Joab and Shimei. 2:1-9
- Solomon kills his brother. 2:13-25
- Solomon carries out the deathbed wish of his father David by having Joab
and Shimei murdered. 2:29-34, 44-46
- Solomon killed and sacrificed 1000 animals to God at Gibeon. 3:4
- Solomon kills 22,000 oxen and 120,000 sheep when dedicating the temple to
his bloodthirsty God. 8:63
- Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines. 11:3
- Ever the playful spirit, God withers, and then restores, the hand of king Jeroboam. 13:4-6
- So there were these two prophets. The first prophet lied to the second. To punish the second for believing the first's lie,
God sent a lion to kill him. 13:11-24
- Killing everyone "that pisseth against the wall." 14:10,
- To punish Jeroboam, God killed his son. 14:17
- Baasha kills Jeroboam's entire family, leaving none "to breath." This slaughter was done "according to the saying of the Lord."
- Zimri kills all of Baasha's family and friends "that pisseth against a wall ... according to the word of the Lord."
- Elijah kills 450 prophets of Baal after beating them in a prayer contest. 18:22-40
- The first God assisted "great slaughter" of the Syrians 20:20-21
- God kills 100,000 Syrians because they said he was God of the hills. 20:28-29
- God killed 27,000 men with a falling wall. 20:30
- A son of a prophet said to his neighbor, "Smite me." But the neighbor refused. So God sent a lion to devour him.
- If you grovel before God, then he won't punish you; He'll punish your children instead. 21:29
- God puts a lying spirit into the mouth of prophets. 22:22-23
- God killed Ahab for showing mercy to king Benhadad. 22:35