God's Killings in 1 Samuel

First Samuel begins where Joshua left off. God kills Eli's sons and 34,000 Israelite soldiers, smites the Philistines with hemorrhoids in their secret parts, and kills 50,070 for looking into the ark of the Lord. He thunders on the Philistines and forces them to kill each other.

But there's one story in First Samuel that everyone should know: the Amalekite massacre, in which God ordered Saul to kill every Amalekite "man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass." Saul failed to commit complete genocide, so God gave his kingdom to David, who was always happy to kill anyone for God.

When Samuel anointed David as king, "the spirit of the Lord was with David from that day forward" (1 Samuel 16:10-13), So God was with David in each of his killings.

Samuel hacked Agag (the Amalekite king that Saul didn't kill) to death before the Lord, David bought his first wife with 200 Philistine foreskins and got another wife (Abigail) after God killed her husband (Nabal).

The book ends when God kills Saul and his three sons to punish Saul for the incomplete genocide of the Amalekites.

Here is a list of the killings in 1 Samuel.

60. God killed Eli's sons and 34,000 Israelite soldiers
61. God smote them with hemorrhoids in their secret parts
62. 50,070 killed for looking into the ark of the Lord
63. The Lord thundered great thunder upon the Philistines
64. Another Ammonite massacre (and another God-inspired body part message)
65. Jonathan's very first slaughter (not counting the one before)
66. God forces the Philistines to kill each other
67. The Amalekite genocide
68. Samuel hacks Agag to pieces before the Lord
69. In the Valley of Elah: Goliath
70. David buys a wife with 200 Philistines foreskins
71. The Lord said to David, Go and smite the Philistines
72. God killed Nabal (and David got his wife and other stuff)
73. David commits random acts of genocide for the Philistines
74. David spends the day killing Amalekites
75. God killed Saul (and his sons and soldiers) for not killing all the Amalekites