Science and History
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- Zacharias and Elizabeth were both getting old, too old to have kids. But Zach prayed, so an angel
appeared to tell him that God would take care of things for him. God would somehow get Liz pregnant and she'd have a son named John, who
would be filled with the Holy Ghost from the moment God, the angel, the Holy Ghost, or Zach (or maybe all of them working together) got
his mom pregnant. 1:7-15
- "They had no child, because that Elisabeth was barren."
Oh God, another barren woman! It's always the woman's fault in the Bible. 1:7
- "There appeared unto him an angel of the Lord standing on the right side of the altar." 1:11
- "The angel said unto him, Fear not, Zacharias: for thy prayer is heard; and thy wife Elisabeth shall bear thee a son,
and thou shalt call his name John."
Whoopie! Another miraculous birth! Did old Zach have sex with Elizabeth or did the angel take care of things for him? 1:13
- "He shall be filled with the Holy Ghost, even from his mother's womb."
John the Baptist was "filled with the Holy Ghost" even as a fetus! 1:15
- Zechariah asks the angel Gabriel how his wife Elizabeth could become pregnant, since she is "stricken with years."
Gabriel makes him "dumb" just for asking. 1:20
- The angel Gabriel stopped by Nazareth to vist the Most Blessed Virgin Mary and say the rosary with her. OK, not really.
He stopped by to tell her that the Holy Ghost would soon be getting her pregnant the way he did her cousin Elizabeth. But
during his visit he did manage to come up with the first half of the "Hail Mary." 1:28
- Gabriel tells Mary that the Holy Ghost will come upon her and she'll be covered by the power of God,
so "the holy thing" that she delivers will be the Son of God. 1:35
- "Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb [Jesus]."
When Elisabeth saw Mary, she completed the first half of the "Hail Mary" that the angel Gabriel started in verse 28. 1:42
- John the Baptist, while still a fetus, leaped for joy when he heard the
voice of Mary. 1:41, 44
- "And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field,
keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord
shone round about them and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them...."
I don't need to quote the whole thing, do I?
You saw "Charlie Brown Christmas." 2:8-10
- "When eight days were accomplished for the circumcising of the child, his name was called JESUS."
Fore Shame: Did the Vatican steal Jesus'
foreskin so people would shut up about the savior's penis? 2:21
- How could an omniscient being "increase in wisdom"? And how could God increase "in favour with God."?
- The soldiers [asked] what shall we do? And he said ... Do violence to no man, neither accuse any falsely."
Good advice, except maybe to soldiers. Soldiers are trained to "do violence" to people. 3:14
- "The Holy Ghost descended in a bodily shape like a dove upon him, and a voice came from heaven,
which said, Thou art my beloved Son; in thee I am well pleased." 3:22
"Which was the son of Phares, which was the son of Juda."
Judah "went in unto" his daughter-in-law, Tamar, who was disguised as a prostitute. She conceived and
bore Pharez, an ancestor of Jesus. (Gen 38:27-29)
It's a good thing it was more than ten generations ago. Otherwise Jesus could not "enter into the congregation of the
Lord." (Dt.23:2) 3:33
- Jesus was full of the Holy Ghost and was led by "the Spirit" (the Holy Ghost?) into the desert to be tempted by the devil for forty days.
- Being forty days ... And in those days he did eat nothing."
The Science of Starvation:
How long can humans survive without food or water? 4:2
- The devil takes Jesus to the top of a mountain and shows him "all the kingdoms of the world." I guess the world
was flat in those days. 4:5
- The people of Jesus' hometown (Nazareth) were so upset at him that they tried to kill him by
pushing him off a cliff. But Jesus ran away. 4:28-30
- Jesus cured Peter's mother-in-law (by "rebuking" her fever) so she could get back to work serving them. 4:38-39
- The people brought all their sick people to Jesus, and he cured every one of them. 4:40
- Devils crawl out of people proclaiming that Jesus is "Christ the Son of God." According to 1 John 4:2, 15, these devils were "of God." 4:41
- Jesus, the master fisherman.
Jesus got on Simon Peter's boat and told him to put down his nets. Simon told him that he'd been fishing all night and caught nothing.
But he did as Jesus said. And they caught so many fish that it ripped the net and nearly sunk two boats. 5:4-7
- Jesus cures a man with leprosy. 5:12-13
- Jesus cures a paralytic by forgiving his sins, thereby proving that he is God
(since only God can forgive sins) and paralysis is caused by sin. 5:18-25
- "And it came to pass on the second Sabbath after the first...." Huh? 6:1
- Jesus and his disciples break the Sabbath, and then make excuses for it. David ate stuff he wasn't
supposed to, too, and besides Jesus is "the Lord of the Sabaath." 6:1-5
- Jesus heals a man with a withered hand. 6:6-10
- Jesus heals people that are "vexed with unclean spirits." 6:18
- "The whole multitude sought to touch him: for there went virtue out of him, and healed them all." 6:19
- Invite someone that has hit you to do it again, and if
someone steals from you offer them something additional. Don't turn
down any borrowers (Do Christian bankers follow this one?), and when
you loan something don't ask for it back. 6:29-30
- Jesus cures the centurion's slave. 7:2-10
- "And he that was dead sat up, and began to speak." 7:12-15
- John the Baptist, who is about to die, is still unsure about Jesus. He sends his disciples to Jesus asking: "Art
thou he that should come? or look we for another?" Well, if he's not sure, how can anyone else be?
- Within a single hour, Jesus cured people of various plagues, evil spirits, and blindness. 7:21
- Jesus removes seven devils from the body of Mary Magdalene. 8:2
- Jesus speaks in parables so that people won't understand him. 8:10
- Jesus stops a storm by rebuking the wind and waves. 8:23-24
- Jesus heals a woman "having an issue of blood." It's the usual story: none of
the doctors could cure her, but the faith hearer (Jesus, in this case) could. 8:43-44
- Jesus felt virtue leave him when the woman with the issue of blood touched him. 8:45-47
- "Thy faith hath made thee whole." If you have enough faith, you will never get sick. (Illness is caused by sin and lack of faith.
Medical science is unnecessary.) 8:48
- Jesus brings Jarius' dead daughter back to life. 8:49-55
- Jesus gave his disciples authority of all devils and to cure diseases. 9:1-2
- There were various opinions about the identity of Jesus. Some thought he was Elijah or one of the prophets;
others that he was the risen John the Baptist. With such a credulous populace, is it surprising that some people would
later claim, and probably even believe, that they had seen the risen Christ? 9:7-8
- "He [Jesus] ... healed them that had need of healing." 9:11
- Jesus fed 5000 men (plus women and children) with five loaves and two fishes (with 12 baskets left over). 9:13-17
- Jesus wonders who people think he is. His disciples say that some think he's John the Baptist, others
Elijah or one of the other prophets. 9:18-19
- Jesus falsely predicts that some of his listeners would live to see him return and establish the kingdom of God.
- Jesus takes Peter, James, and John up to a mountain top, where his clothes start shining. Moses and Elijah (Elias) show up and begin
talking to Jesus, a cloud covers them and a voice came out of the cloud saying, "This is my beloved son, hear him." 9:28-35
- Jesus raises Moses and Elijah from the dead and has a conversation
with them. 9:30
- Epilepsy is caused by devils. 9:39
- Jesus cures an epiletic child by rebuking an unclean spirit. 9:42
- "We saw one casting out devils in thy name; and we forbad him,
because he followeth not with us." The disciples saw people who were not followers of Jesus casting out devils in his name.
- James and John ask Jesus if they can call down
fire from heaven to consume the Samaritans who didn't much care for Jesus'
teaching. They'd like to kill people the way Elijah did. But shucks, Jesus won't
let them. 9:54
- Jesus' instructions to his disciples: Take no money or shoes and don't say hello to anyone that you pass by. Enter
each house and eat whatever they feed you. Stay there; don't go from house to house. Heal the sick and say the kingdom
of heaven is here. 10:4-9
- "He that heareth you heareth me; and he that despiseth you despiseth me; and he that despiseth me despiseth him that sent me."
If you don't like what Pat Robertson says (or any other Christian), then you don't like Jesus, and if you don't like Jesus, you don't like God.
- The disciples are thrilled that "even the devils are subject" to them. 10:17-18
- "I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions ... and nothing shall by
any means hurt you." 10:19
- Jesus thanks God that only the ignorant and foolish will listen to him. 10:21
- People who cannot speak are possessed with devils. 11:14
- "Some of them said, He casteth out devils through Beelzebub the chief
of the devils ... and others ... sought of him a sign from heaven."
A reasonable hypothesis (assuming devils exist) and a fair request (assuming a god exists). 11:15-16
- "If I by Beelzebub cast out devils, by whom do your sons cast them out?"
Jesus believed the Pharisees could cast out demons, too! 11:19
- Jesus says it is impossible to get rid of unclean spirits. If you manage to evict one, he'll soon return with
seven others "more wicked than himself" and you'll be worse off than you were before. So just learn to live with
whatever unclean spirits that are currently possessing you. 11:24-26
- Jesus insults his mother (the Most Holy Blessed Virgin Mary). 11:27-28
- "This is an evil generation." 11:29
- Jesus thinks that eyes can be evil. 11:34
- Jesus calls his critics fools, thus making himself, by his own standards (Mt 5:22),
worthy of "hell fire." 11:40
- "Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat; neither for the body, what ye shall put on." 12:22
- Don't worry about food, God will take care of you. 12:29-31
- Jesus tells his followers to sell everything they own and give the money to the poor.
- Jesus heals a woman with "a spirit of infirmity" by casting out a devil. (All illness is caused by devils.)
- When the Pharisees warn Jesus that Herod would try to kill him, Jesus tells them to tell
Herod that he casts out devils, will be perfected on the third day, and will walk around Jerusalem for another couple days or so.
- "Make to yourselves friends of the mammon of
unrighteousness; that, when ye fail, they may receive you into everlasting habitations." 16:9
- "If therefore ye have not been faithful in the unrighteous mammon, who will
commit to your trust the true riches?" 16:11
- "The Pharisees ... heard all these things: and they derided him." 16:14
- "That which is highly esteemed among men [love, wisdom, honesty, courage,
truth, beauty, etc.] is an abomination in the sight of God." 16:15
- Those with little faith can pluck trees up by their roots and cast them into the sea. 17:6
- Jesus heals ten lepers. 17:12-14
- "One of them ... fell down on his face." 17:15-16
- There will be nothing subtle about Jesus' return. It will be like lightning that flashes from one end of the heaven to the other.
Like the Wicked Witch of the West writing "Surrender Dorothy" in the sky. Like that. 17:24
- Jesus believes the story of Noah's ark. I guess you should too. 17:27
- Jesus also believes the story about Sodom's destruction. He says, "even thus shall it be in
the day the son of man is revealed ... Remember Lot's wife." This tells us about Jesus' knowledge of science and
history, and his sense of justice. 17:29-32
- "Whosoever shall seek to save his life shall lose it; and whosoever shall
lose his life shall preserve it." 17:33
- Increase your chance of being raptured:
Pray to be gay! 17:34-35
- The parable of the avenging, lazy, unjust judge (God). 18:1-6
- "Thou knowest the commandments." But apparently Jesus didn't, since he only named five of the Ten Commandments.
(Notice that the five on Jesus' list are the secular ones that make no mention of God.) 18:20
- Rich people cannot go to heaven. "For it is easier for a camel to go through a needle's eye, than for a
rich man to enter into the kingdom of God." 18:25
- Jesus heals a blind man. 18:35-43
- Dead people have no God. 20:38
- Before the end of the world there will be many false Christs that claim the end of the world is near (Don't believe them) (8),
there will be "wars and commotions" (but ignore that) (9), along with earthquakes, famines, pestilences, and "fearful sights" and
"great signs from heaven" (11).
Believers will be arrested and persecuted by the Jews, who will throw them in prison (12), friends and family will betray each other and
some will be put to death (16), and believers will be hated by everyone (17). But don't worry. Not a single hair on your head will be
hurt (even if you are killed) (18).
When you see armies around Jerusalem, then you'll know desolation is near (20). Then it's time to head for the hills. Unless you're a
pregnant or nursing women, that is. (23) Then you're just fucked. Too bad for you.
God's wrath will be on everyone, with dead bodies all over the place,
Jerusalem will be trodden on by Gentiles until "the times of the
Gentiles be fulfilled." (24) There will be signs in the sun, moon, and stars, with lots of waves in the sea. (25)
Everyone will be afraid of everything (26) and then they'll see the Son of Man coming in all his glory. (27)
Oh, and all these things will happen within the lifespan of Jesus' contemporaries (32). 21:8-27
- Jesus tells his disciples to eat his body and drink his blood. 22:19-20
- "That ye may ... sit on thrones judging the twelve tribes of Israel."
Which tribe will Judas judge? 22:30
- "He that hath no sword, let him sell his garment, and buy one." (Have you bought your Jesus
sword yet?) 22:36
- Jesus tells the "good thief" that they will both be in heaven "today." But how can that be since it's only Friday
and, according to the gospels, Jesus lay dead in the tomb Friday night and all day Saturday.
- When one of the disciples cuts off the ear of the high priest's slave, Jesus just puts the ear back. No problem.
- "He ... is risen."
Jesus came back to life after being dead for a while. 24:6
- When Mary Magdalene and the other women gave their account of the resurrection to the apostles "their words
seemed to them as idle tales, and they believed them not." 24:11
- Two of Jesus' disciples failed to recognize him after his supposed resurrection. Maybe that was because the
person they saw wasn't really Jesus. 24:13-16
- The disciples spent the day talking to the mysterious man before finally recognizing him when "their hearts burned within them."
- "And as they thus spake, Jesus himself stood in the midst of them."
Jesus just appears out of nowhere! 24:36