0 2 Nephi : Absurdity

I, Nephi, cannot say more; the Spirit stoppeth mine utterance. 32:7

Trivia: Why did God blacken the skin of Nephi's brothers?

2 Nephi : Absurdity (61)

  1. Chapters 1-2: Second Nephi begins with Lehi rehearsing and rehashing the same old stories from Nephi's first book. Chapters Chapters 1 - 2
  2. Joseph Smith makes some modest prophecies about himself. He will be a choice seer, esteemed highly, and shall do "a work of great worth." He will be great in God's eyes, like Moses, and will do God's work. He will bring forth God's word, confound false doctrines, establish peace, and bring knowledge in the latter days. All those who seek to destroy him will be confounded. He will be like God and will bring God's people to salvation. He will have exceeding faith, work mighty wonders, and do what is great in the sight of God. 3:6-24
  3. Joseph Smith got a little carried away with the fruit of various loins. In a single chapter (3) he mentions "fruit of my (his or thy) loins" 21 times. Verse 12 must set an all time record for fruits of loins: 5. 3:4, 5, 6, 7(3), 11(2), 12(5), 14, 18(4), 19(2), 21
  4. Chapter 4 is a total waste of a golden plate. The 1350 or so words can be summed up with just two: Lehi died. 4:12
  5. God will curse you if you put your trust in the arm of flesh or make flesh your arm. 4:34
  6. Chapter 5 begins with Nephi's brothers rebelling against him again. (See here, here, here, here, here, and here for previous rebellions.) Nephi cries to the Lord. After his brothers try to kill him, God tells Nephi to leave and take his brown-nosing family and fiends with him. 5:1-6
  7. So they took all their stuff and camped out for a while at a place they called Nephi, where they decided to be called the people of Nephi (Nephites). 5:7-9
  8. Nephi brought along the brass plates and the magic ball (or compass) that God made with his own hands. This was about 1600 years before compasses were used in navigation. 5:12
  9. Nephi teaches his followers to build buildings and work in iron, copper, brass, steel, gold, and silver. But evidence is lacking for such pre-Columbian metallurgy, and it would be well beyond the capabilities of a handful of immigrants from the ancient Near-East around 590 BCE. 5:15
  10. The Nephites built a temple, like Solomon's but with not quite as many precious things. According to the bible (2 Chr.2:2), it took 150,000 men seven years to build the temple, but Nephites crew of a dozen or so men managed just fine. 5:16
  11. Then the people of Nephi who lived in a place called Nephi wanted to make Nephi their king. But Nephi said they should have no king. So Nephi became their ruler instead. 5:18-19
  12. Everything was exceedingly good with the Nephites. Nephi made priests out of his little brothers, Jacob and Joseph. Everyone was perfectly happy. And Nephi wrote stuff down on his plates. 5:26-29
  13. God told Nephi to write some other stuff down on some other plates. He told him to only write stuff that was pleasing to God. And that's what he did. 5:30-33
  14. But Nephi only going to say this about that: 40 years passed and there were wars and whatnot. 5:34
  15. Jacob (Nephi's newly-ordained little brother) gives a long, boring speech about "exceedingly many things." 6:2-3
  16. "And kings shall be thy nursing fathers." 6:7
  17. God cut Rahab (the sea monster) to pieces, wounded the dragon, and dried up the sea. 8:9-10
  18. Jacob threw in a couple more chapters from Isaiah (see chapters 7 and 8) so that 2400 years later the true (LDS) church would know the covenants that God had covenanted with the Jews (who will all have become Mormons by then). 9:1-2
  19. After the Isaiah break, Jacob returned to his 19th century, frontier American, Protestant sermon, which he delivered to the Nephites circa 550 BCE, warning them that they will all burn in hell unless they repent and believe in someone (Jesus H. Christ) who will not exist for another six centuries or so. 9:3-54
  20. Jacob takes off all his clothes and shakes them in front of his brethren, exposing himself in all of his glorious blood-free brightness to God's all-searching eye. 9:44
  21. Jacob woke up the next day and started preaching again. He predicted that many Nephite children would "perish in the flesh because of unbelief." But not to worry, God will somehow restore the dead little unbelievers by forcing them to believe -- or something like that. 10:2
  22. The kings of the Gentiles shall be nursing fathers. 10:9
  23. God gave the entire Western Hemisphere to the Mormon Church, but he blesses non-Mormon, non-Catholic, white Christians ("Gentiles" in Mormon-speak) too. 10:10
  24. God will protect and strengthen America (since it's his favorite country). 10:12
  25. Non-Mormon Americans ("Gentiles") are the new Jews and will be both naughty and nice to Mormons, depending on how God feels at the moment. 10:18
  26. America was consecrated by God to the seed of Nephi (Mormons). God likes America better than any other country. All Americans will someday worship God and become Mormons. 10:19
  27. Jacob tells the Nephites that they are on an isle of the sea, and since the Bible mentions "isles of the sea" (see for example Isaiah 24:15), there must be other isles that are inhabited by the descendants of other ancient seafaring Jews. (As I'm sure you've guessed by now, the other inhabitants of the "isles of the sea" are the Polynesians.) 10:20-21
  28. "Jacob spake many more things to my people at that time; nevertheless only these things have I caused to be written, for the things which I have written sufficeth me."
    Yeah, Nephi, the things you have written suffieth me, too. I don't think I could take any more of Jacob's bullshit. 11:1
  29. Nephi says he's going to include some more words of Isaiah, (He's already included about 5 chapters. See 1 Ne.17:39, 20:1-22, 21:1-21; 2 Ne.6:5-7, 6:16-18, 7:1-11, 8:1-25, 9:50-51, 10:9) because his "soul delighteth in his words." So he throws in another 13 chapters or so. 11:2, 8
  30. Nehi's soul delights in making things up about Jesus. 11:4-7
  31. God will make sweet smelling things stink and people with hair, bald. 13:24
  32. After God "washed away the filth" from the women and killed the men, he set up "a cloud and smoke by day" and a "flaming fire by night." 14:4-5
  33. "The Lord shall hiss for the fly ... and for the bee." 17:18
  34. "The Lord [will] shave with a razor ... the head and hair of the feet," where "hair" and "feet" are biblical euphemisms for pubic hair and male sexual organs, respectively. 17:20
  35. Isaiah has sex with a prophetess who conceives and bears a son. (You weren't expecting a daughter, were you?) God then tells Isaiah to call his name Mathershalalhashbaz. (It has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?) 18:3
  36. God will "smite the earth with the rod of his mouth, and with the breath of his lips he shall slay the wicked." God must have some pretty bad breath! 21:4
  37. "The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb...." I wonder what will become of the spiders. Will they be more friendly toward flies? And will the parasitic wasps find another way to feed their larvae? Or will they continue to feed off the living bodies of caterpillars? 21:6
  38. When God gets really angry, he causes earthquakes. 23:13
  39. Dragons will live in Babylonian palaces and satyrs will dance there. 23:21-22
  40. Notice that Joseph Smith threw in another "and it shall came to pass" into verse 4, even though it was missing from the verse (Isaiah 14:4) he was copying from. I guess he just couldn't resist! 24:4
  41. "Out of the serpent's root shall come forth a cockatrice, and his fruit shall be a fiery flying serpent." What ever happened to these fascinating biblical creatures? 24:29
  42. Nephi's "soul delighteth in in the words of Isaiah." That's probably why he included 13 consecutive chapters from Isaiah. (2 Ne.12-24) 25:5
  43. The Lord "will proceed to do a marvelous work and a wonder" (The Book of Mormon). 25:17
  44. Joseph Smith (or Nephi) repeats the bible stories about the fiery serpents (Num. 21:6-9) and the water-bearing rock (Ex.17:6, Num.20:11). He figures that if you believe those stories, you'll believe his as well. 25:20
  45. The Book of Mormon prophesies itself! 27:6
  46. God will destroy (in various ways) those who "dwindle in unbelief." 26:15
  47. God won't give good stuff to those who "dwindle in unbelief." 26:17
  48. God will get the Gentiles to kill all those who "dwindle in unbelief." 26:19
  49. The devil is the founder of all those "secret combinations." 26:22
  50. People should work for Zion (the Mormon church) not for money. 26:31
  51. The Book of Mormon will be sealed until God delivers it to a man.
    (Gosh, could that man be Joseph Smith?) 27:7-9
  52. "Wo be unto him that rejecteth the word of God!
    (By "word of God" Joseph Smith means the Book of Mormon.) 27:14
  53. The Book of Mormon is "a marvelous work and an wonder." 27:26
  54. The Book of Mormon refers to itself as "a marvelous work" of God. 29:1
  55. Another marvelous BoM prophecy: many shall say, "A Bible! We have got a Bible." And they certainly have.
    This is especially amazing since this prophecy was allegedly made around 550 BCE, long before either the canon or the name of the "Bible" existed. 29:3
  56. Fools will say, "A Bible! We have got a Bible, and we need no more (damned) Bible." 29:6
  57. Before many generations pass, Native Americans will convert to Mormonism, their skins will turn white, and they will become a "delightsome" people. 30:6
  58. God will "smite the earth with the rod of his mouth; and with the breath of his mouth he shall slay the wicked." How's that for some bad breath? 30:9
  59. "And the weaned child shall put his hand in the cockatrice' den." A cockatrice is a serpent, hatched from a cock's egg, that can kill with a glance. They are rare nowadays. 21:8, 30:14
  60. Those who reject the Book of Mormon are of the devil. 33:5
  61. Those who believe in Christ will also believe in the Book of Mormon. 33:10

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