Genesis
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SAB: Genesis
Dwindling in Unbelief
-Genesis
-God's Killings in Genesis

Drunk With Blood: Genesis







Genesis 30

(30:1-23) The great baby making contest
Jacob's wives and concubines compete to the have the most babies, with God inspecting, opening and closing wombs, as required.

(30:1) "When Rachel saw that she bare Jacob no children, Rachel envied her sister; and said unto Jacob, Give me children or else I die."
Rachel considers herself worthless if she cannot produce children for her husband.

(30:3) "Behold my maid Bilhah, Go in unto her."
But luckily she has an idea. She says to Jacob, "Behold my maid Bilhah, go in unto her." She solved the problem the same way Sarah did in 16:2.

(30:4-5) "And Jacob went in unto her. And Bilhah conceived, and bare Jacob a son." (These arrangements seldom produce daughters. See v. 21 for a rare exception.)

(30:7) "And Bilhah Rachel's maid conceived again, and bare Jacob a second son."

(30:9) " When Leah saw that she had left bearing, she took Zilpah her maid, and gave her Jacob to wife."
Leah, not to be outdone, gives Jacob her maid (Zilpah) "to wife." And Zilpah "bare Jacob a son."

(30:10) "And Zilpah Leah's maid bare Jacob a son."

30:1 And when Rachel saw that she bare Jacob no children, Rachel envied her sister; and said unto Jacob, Give me children, or else I die.
30:2 And Jacob's anger was kindled against Rachel: and he said, Am I in God's stead, who hath withheld from thee the fruit of the womb?
30:3 And she said, Behold my maid Bilhah, go in unto her; and she shall bear upon my knees, that I may also have children by her.
30:4 And she gave him Bilhah her handmaid to wife: and Jacob went in unto her.
30:5 And Bilhah conceived, and bare Jacob a son.
30:6 And Rachel said, God hath judged me, and hath also heard my voice, and hath given me a son: therefore called she his name Dan.
30:7 And Bilhah Rachel's maid conceived again, and bare Jacob a second son.
30:8 And Rachel said, With great wrestlings have I wrestled with my sister, and I have prevailed: and she called his name Naphtali.
30:9 When Leah saw that she had left bearing, she took Zilpah her maid, and gave her Jacob to wife.
30:10 And Zilpah Leah's maid bare Jacob a son.
30:11 And Leah said, A troop cometh: and she called his name Gad.
30:12 And Zilpah Leah's maid bare Jacob a second son. (30:12) "And Zilpah Leah's maid bare Jacob a second son."

(30:14) "Reuben ... found mandrakes in the field, and brought them unto his mother Leah. Then Rachel said to Leah, Give me, I pray thee, of thy son's mandrakes."

(Mandrakes are narcotic plants in the Solanaceae family, with many associated superstitious beliefs. Their bulbous roots sometimes resemble male sexual organs and were thought to be aphrodisiacs. Unfortunately, they only grow where the semen of a hanged man falls to the ground, so they are rare nowadays. If you find one, don't dig up the root; if you do, you will be instantly killed by its scream.)

(30:15) "Rachel said, Therefore he shall lie with thee to night for thy son's mandrakes."
Rachel trades sex with her husband for Leah's mandrakes.

(30:16) "Jacob came out of the field in the evening, and Leah went out to meet him, and said, Thou must come in unto me; for surely I have hired thee with my son's mandrakes. And he lay with her that night."

(30:17) "And God hearkened unto Leah, and she conceived, and bare Jacob the fifth son."

(30:18) "And Leah said, God hath given me my hire, because I have given my maiden to my husband."

(30:19) "And Leah conceived again, and bare Jacob the sixth son."

(30:20) "Because I have born him six sons."
Leah thinks her husband will honor her now that she has given him six sons.

(30:22-23) "God remembered Rachel, and ... opened her womb. And she conceived, and bare a son;"
And finally, "God remembered Leah (He probably said something like, "Oh yeah, she's the one with the really cool mandrakes.") and opened her womb. And she conceived, and bare a son (Surprise, surprise)."

30:13 And Leah said, Happy am I, for the daughters will call me blessed: and she called his name Asher.
30:14 And Reuben went in the days of wheat harvest, and found mandrakes in the field, and brought them unto his mother Leah. Then Rachel said to Leah, Give me, I pray thee, of thy son's mandrakes.
30:15 And she said unto her, Is it a small matter that thou hast taken my husband? and wouldest thou take away my son's mandrakes also? And Rachel said, Therefore he shall lie with thee to night for thy son's mandrakes.
30:16 And Jacob came out of the field in the evening, and Leah went out to meet him, and said, Thou must come in unto me; for surely I have hired thee with my son's mandrakes. And he lay with her that night.
30:17 And God hearkened unto Leah, and she conceived, and bare Jacob the fifth son.
30:18 And Leah said, God hath given me my hire, because I have given my maiden to my husband: and she called his name Issachar.
30:19 And Leah conceived again, and bare Jacob the sixth son.
30:20 And Leah said, God hath endued me with a good dowry; now will my husband dwell with me, because I have born him six sons: and she called his name Zebulun.
30:21 And afterwards she bare a daughter, and called her name Dinah.
30:22 And God remembered Rachel, and God hearkened to her, and opened her womb.
30:23 And she conceived, and bare a son; and said, God hath taken away my reproach:
30:24 And she called his name Joseph; and said, The LORD shall add to me another son.
30:25 And it came to pass, when Rachel had born Joseph, that Jacob said unto Laban, Send me away, that I may go unto mine own place, and to my country.
30:26 Give me my wives and my children, for whom I have served thee, and let me go: for thou knowest my service which I have done thee.
30:27 And Laban said unto him, I pray thee, if I have found favour in thine eyes, tarry: for I have learned by experience that the LORD hath blessed me for thy sake. (30:27) "I have learned by experience that the LORD hath blessed me for thy sake."
Laban learns "by experience" that God has blessed him for Jacob's sake. "By experience" means "by divination", at least that is how most other versions translate this verse.
30:28 And he said, Appoint me thy wages, and I will give it.
30:29 And he said unto him, Thou knowest how I have served thee, and how thy cattle was with me.
30:30 For it was little which thou hadst before I came, and it is now increased unto a multitude; and the LORD hath blessed thee since my coming: and now when shall I provide for mine own house also?
30:31 And he said, What shall I give thee? And Jacob said, Thou shalt not give me any thing: if thou wilt do this thing for me, I will again feed and keep thy flock.
30:32 I will pass through all thy flock to day, removing from thence all the speckled and spotted cattle, and all the brown cattle among the sheep, and the spotted and speckled among the goats: and of such shall be my hire.
30:33 So shall my righteousness answer for me in time to come, when it shall come for my hire before thy face: every one that is not speckled and spotted among the goats, and brown among the sheep, that shall be counted stolen with me.
30:34 And Laban said, Behold, I would it might be according to thy word. (30:37-39)
Jacob displays his (and God's) knowledge of biology by having goats copulate while looking at streaked rods. The result is streaked, speckled, and spotted baby goats. (Goats are "cattle" in the King James Version.)

(30:37) "Jacob took him rods of green poplar, and of the hazel and chesnut tree; and pilled white strakes in them, and made the white appear which was in the rods."

(30:38) "And he set the rods ... before the flocks ... when the flocks came to drink, that they should conceive when they came to drink."

(30:39) "And the flocks conceived before the rods, and brought forth cattle ringstraked, speckled, and spotted."

30:35 And he removed that day the he goats that were ringstraked and spotted, and all the she goats that were speckled and spotted, and every one that had some white in it, and all the brown among the sheep, and gave them into the hand of his sons.
30:36 And he set three days' journey betwixt himself and Jacob: and Jacob fed the rest of Laban's flocks.
30:37 And Jacob took him rods of green poplar, and of the hazel and chesnut tree; and pilled white strakes in them, and made the white appear which was in the rods.
30:38 And he set the rods which he had pilled before the flocks in the gutters in the watering troughs when the flocks came to drink, that they should conceive when they came to drink.
30:39 And the flocks conceived before the rods, and brought forth cattle ringstraked, speckled, and spotted.
30:40 And Jacob did separate the lambs, and set the faces of the flocks toward the ringstraked, and all the brown in the flock of Laban; and he put his own flocks by themselves, and put them not unto Laban's cattle.
30:41 And it came to pass, whensoever the stronger cattle did conceive, that Jacob laid the rods before the eyes of the cattle in the gutters, that they might conceive among the rods.
30:42 But when the cattle were feeble, he put them not in: so the feebler were Laban's, and the stronger Jacob's.
30:43 And the man increased exceedingly, and had much cattle, and maidservants, and menservants, and camels, and asses. (30:43) Camels
Domesticated camels didn't exist at the time Jacob supposedly lived.

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OMGWTFBible: Episode 13 (23: Genesis 29:31 - 30:43)
In which Yaakov has a bunch of kids and messes around in the sex lives of goats.
Recorded live at the Magnet Theator on October 21, 2013. Guest: Adam Bozarth

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Christian Response (The Annotated Skeptic's Annotated Bible)
Am not I better to thee than ten sons? (Gen 30)