- "Ye are this day as the stars of heaven for multitude ... The LORD God of your fathers make you
a thousand times so many more."
The author (and God if he inspired him) obviously had no idea how many stars there are.
- "The people is greater and taller than we ... we have seen the sons of the Anakims there."
More giants in the promised land. 1:28
- It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time,
would have taken no more than a few weeks. 2:7, 8:2,
- God gave the Moabites and the Ammonites special protection since they were the descendents of Lot's drunken,
incestuous affair with his daughters (Genesis 19:30-38). 2:9, 19
- "A land of giants: giants dwelt therein in old time."
(They must have been much more common back then.) 2:10-11,
- "The hand of the LORD was against them, to destroy them from among the host, until they were consumed."
God killed all the Israelite soldiers -- slowly. It took him 38 years to kill them all, but he finally got the job done.
- Og, the king of the giants, was a tall man, even by NBA standards. His bed measured 9 by 4 cubits (13.5 feet long and
6 feet wide). 3:11
- When going to war, don't be afraid. God is on your side; "he shall fight for you."
- "Ye shall not add unto the word which I command you neither shall ye diminish ought from it." This verse is one of
those that prevent Bible-believers from cleaning up the Bible. So they're stuck with the unedited version.
- Just like the Great and Powerful Wizard of Oz, God spoke with a great voice in the midst of fire, cloud, and thick darkness.
- The Israelites fear they'll die if God talks to them anymore, so they ask Moses to ask God to speak to him from
now on instead of them. 5:25-27
- Wear the commandments on your hand and head (between the eyes). 6:8,
- God's favorite people will never be infertile (neither will their cows!) and will never get sick. (God will send
infertility and diseases on the other guys.) 7:14-15
- God will send hornets to kill your enemies, "for the Lord thy God is among you,
a mighty God and terrible." 7:20-23
- God and the Israelites won't do their genocides all at once, "lest the beasts of the field increase."
say these beasts were dinosaurs (dragons in bible-speak). 7:22
- The Israelites clothing didn't wear out while wandering around in the desert for 40 years.
(God made the childrens' shoes grow with their feet so they wouldn't need new ones!) 8:4
- "Who led thee through that great and terrible wilderness, wherein were
fiery serpents? ... Who brought thee forth water out of the rock of flint?" 8:15
- God makes people wealthy (or poor). 8:17-18
- "A people great and tall, the children of the Anakims."
More giants! 9:2
- Remember and don't forget how God wanted to kill everyone for dancing naked around Aaron's golden calf, but Moses talked him out of it.
- "When I was gone up into the mount to receive the tables of stone ... I abode in the mount forty days and forty nights,
I neither did eat bread nor drink water." 9:9
- Here is some good advice from God: "Circumcise the foreskin of your heart."
- After God instructs the Israelites to mercilessly slaughter all the strangers that they encounter
(Dt 7:2, 16), he tells them to "love ye therefore
the stranger: for ye were strangers in the land of Egypt." 10:19
- God says that we shouldn't add to, or take away from, any of his commands. Why then don't modern
Bible-believers stone to death blasphemers, Sabbath breakers, and disobedient sons? 12:32
- Don't "make any baldness between your eyes for the dead." 14:1
- "Thou shalt not eat any abominable thing." 14:3
- This verse mistakenly says that the hare chews its cud. 14:7-8
- Don't eat any seafood unless it has fins and scales. Oysters, clams, crabs, and lobsters are "unclean" and shouldn't
be eaten. 14:10
- To the biblical God, a bat is just an another unclean bird. 14:11, 18
- Don't eat any dead animals that you find lying around. But it's okay to give it to strangers or sell it to foreigners. And don't boil a kid
(young goat) is its mother's milk. 14:21
- Every seven years is "the Lord's release," in which lenders forgive all loans. 15:1-6
- Sacrifice all firstling males to God. But don't sacrifice any blind, lame, or blemished animals. After sacrificing your unblemished
firstlings, eat them before the Lord. But don't drink the blood. Pour it out like water. 15:19-23
- Don't plant a grove of trees near an altar or set up any image that God hates. 16:21-22
- Don't sacrifice any animal with a blemish to God -- he is very picky! 17:1
- God travels with people and fights in their wars. 20:4
- If you find a dead body and don't know the cause of death, then get all the elders together, cut off the head of a
heifer, wash your hands over its body, and say our hands have not shed this blood. (That'll do it!)
- Hang on trees the bodies of those who are "accursed of God." They make nice decorations.
- Women are not to wear men's clothing and vice versa -- it's an "abomination unto the Lord." 22:5
- "Thou shalt not plow with an ox and an ass together." 22:10
- "Thou shalt not wear a garment of divers sorts, as of woollen and linen together." 22:11
- Thou shalt make fringes on your garments. 22:12
- You can't go to church if your testicles are damaged or your penis has been cut off.
- God won't let bastards attend church. Neither can the sons or daughters of bastards "even to the tenth generation."
So if you plan to attend church next Sunday be ready to prove that your genitals are intact and don't forget your birth
certificate and genealogical records for at least the last ten generations. Don't laugh. This stuff is important to God.
- God gives us instructions for defecating. He says to carefully cover up all feces "for the Lord walketh in the midst
of thy camp." (You wouldn't want the divine foot to step in your shit, would you?) 23:12-14
- Remarrying your former wife after divorcing her is an abomination to the
- A recently married man doesn't have to work or fight in wars. He is free
for one year to cheer up his new wife. 24:5
- If a man dies without having a child, his brother shall "go in unto" his dead brother's wife -- whether she likes him or
not, and whether she wants to or not. If he refuses, the dead
man's wife is to loosen his shoe and spit in his face. 25:5-10
- If two men fight and the wife of one grabs the "secrets" of the other, "then thou shalt cut off her hand" and "thine eye
shall not pity her." 25:11-12
- "I have not ... given ought thereof for the dead."
Don't feed the dead people. 26:14
- As soon as the Israelites cross the Jordan, God tells the Israelites to set up some big stones, covered with plaster,
upon which the entire law will be written. Good idea. 27:1-10
- God says that six tribes will bless people from Mount Gerizim, while the other six tribes will
curse people from Mount Ebal. Another good idea. 27:12-13
- Cursed be the man that maketh any graven image. 27:15
- "Cursed be he that lieth with his
father's wife, because he uncovereth his father's skirt." How does
having sex with the father's wife uncover the father's skirt? Well, I guess it's
because the father owns his wife. The offense is against him, not her. 27:20
- "Cursed be he that lieth with any manner of beast: and all the people shall say, Amen."
- "Cursed be he that lieth with his sister ... And all the people shall say, Amen."
- "Cursed be he that lieth with his mother in law: and all the people shall say, Amen."
- "Cursed be he that confirmeth not all the words of this law." 27:26
- "Cursed shalt thou be in the city, and cursed shalt thou be in the field." I guess you'll be
cursed just about wherever you go. 28:16
- "Cursed shalt thou be when thou comest in, and cursed shalt thou be when thou goest out."
- "And thy heaven that is over thy head shall be brass, and the earth that is under thee shall
be iron." 28:23
- "The LORD shall make the rain of thy land powder and dust: from heaven shall it come down upon thee, until thou be destroyed."
- "The Lord will smite thee with the botch of Egypt, and the emerods [hemorrhoids], and with the scab, and with the
itch, whereof thou canst be healed." 28:27
- "The Lord will smite thee with madness, and blindness, and astonishment of heart." 28:28
- "The stranger that is within thee shall get up above thee very high; and thou shalt come down very low ... he shall
be the head, and thou shalt be the tail." 28:43-44
- The shoes and clothing of the Israelites didn't wear out even after wandering in the wilderness for forty years. They
just don't make them like they used to! 29:5
- God will circumcise your heart and "the heart of thy seed." 30:6
- God appears as a cloud over the tabernacle and makes a long speech to Moses, saying that Moses will die, the people will go whoring
after other gods, so God will punish them by having them devoured by evil. 31:15-21
- God tells the Israelites to teach a song to their children, but doesn't say what song it is that they are supposed to teach.
- "He made him to suck honey out of the rock." 32:13
- "Their wine is the poison of dragons." I wonder what genus and species the bible is referring to when it mentions
- After Moses recites God's song, God tells him to climb Mount Nebo and die. This is to punish Moses
for striking the rock twice to get water out of it, rather than just talking to the rock. Or something like that.
- "The Lord ... came with ten thousands of saints: from his right hand went a fiery law." 33:2
- God's magical Urim and Thummim. 33:8
- Joseph's "horns are like the horns of unicorns." 33:17
- Moses, the alleged author of the Pentateuch, describes his own death and burial.