First Samuel for Skeptics
There are a few Bible verses that everyone should know. One of these is 1 Samuel 15:3, where God
orders Saul to kill every Amalekite "man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass." Saul
fails to kill everyone and everything, so God gives Saul's kingdom to David, who is always
happy to kill for God.
But there are other great stories in 1 Samuel. Did you hear the one about how
bought his first wife with 200 Philistine foreskins? Or how God smote
the Philistines with hemorrhoids in their secret parts? Or
how he asked them to make him five golden hemorrhoids? There's lots of
other stuff like that that you just won't find anywhere else.
Here are some of the highlights.
- God kills Eli's sons. 4:11
- God smites the Philistines with hemorrhoids in their secret parts. 5:9
- God asks the Philistines to make him five golden hemorrhoids. 6:4-5
- God kills 50,070 men for looking into the ark of the Lord. 6:19
- The Lord thundered with great thunder upon the Philistines. 7:10-11
- "I will make a covenant with you, that I may thrust your eyes out." 11:2
- The spirit of the Lord comes upon Samuel so he hacks some oxen in pieces and sends the pieces to all the coasts of
- The Ammonite massacre (and another God-inspired body part message) 11:11
- Jonathan's first slaughter 14:4
- God forces the Philistines to kill each other. 14:20
- God orders Saul to kill every Amalekite "man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and
- God repents of having made Saul king since Saul refused to carry out God's commandments (i.e., Saul refused to commit complete genocide). 15:11, 18
- To please God, Samuel hacks Agag in pieces "before the Lord." 15:32-33
- Saul is haunted by "an evil spirit from the Lord." 16:14-16,
23, 18:10, 19:9
- David buys a wife with 200 Philistine foreskins (twice the asking price).
- God said to David, Go and smite the Philistines. 23:2-5
- Killing those that "pisseth against the wall." 25:22, 34
- "The Lord smote Nabal, that he died." David then took his property and his wife, Abigail. 53:38
- David kills all the Amalekites again (see 15:7-8 where
Saul kills them all the first time). 27:8-11
- Saul has a witch bring back Samuel from the dead. 28:8-15
- After being completely killed off by Saul (15:7-8) and then
David (27:8-11), the Amalekites invade again.
- God tells David to smite the Amalekites again. 30:17
- God kills Saul, his three sons, and his men because Saul didn't kill the Amalekites (or maybe
because he didn't inquire of the Lord). 31:1-4