Revelation
Introduction

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22


Absurdities
Cruelty and Violence
Injustice
Science and History
Interpretation
Contradictions
Language
Intolerance
Women
Sex
Prophecy
Homosexuality
Family Values
Good Stuff



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Revelation: Absurdity

  1. The book of Revelation was revealed to Jesus by God and was delivered by an angel to a guy named John. 1:1

  2. "From the seven Spirits which are before his throne."
    The "seven Spirits" are the seven spirits of God (4:5) 1:4

  3. It all started when John was "in the Spirit on the Lord's day." He heard a loud voice claiming to be Jesus, telling him to write a book and send it to seven Asian churches. 1:10-11

  4. John's Jesus is surrounded by seven golden candlesticks. He has white hair, eyes of fire, and feet of brass. He holds seven stars in his hand and has a sword sticking out of his mouth. 1:12-16

  5. "The seven stars are the angels of the seven churches: and the seven candlesticks which thou sawest are the seven churches." 1:20

  6. The book of Revelation was written for, and addressed to, various angels. 2:1, 8, 12, 18, 3:1, 7, 14

  7. "These things saith he that holdeth the seven stars in his right hand, who walketh in the midst of the seven golden candlesticks." (That would be Jesus. Who else walks around with 7 stars and 7 golden candlesticks?) 2:1b

  8. Jesus has something against the church of Ephesus. It left its first love, and unless it repents, Jesus will come and take away its candlestick. 2:4-5

  9. Thou [the church of Ephesus] hatest the deeds of the Nicolaitanes, which I [Jesus/God] also hate. 2:6

  10. "To him that overcometh will I give to eat of the tree of life, which is in the midst of the paradise of God." 2:7

  11. "He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches; He that overcometh shall not be hurt of the second death." 2:11

  12. Jesus knows where Satan's seat is: it's in the town of Pergamos! 2:13

  13. Jesus has a few things against Pergamos, too. There was that stuff a while back with Balaam and Balac, eating things sacrificed to idols, fornication, and whatnot. But he really hates the doctrine of Nicolaitanes. 2:14-15

  14. Wow! If you overcome, Jesus will give you mana and a white stone with a new secret name written on it! 2:17

  15. Repent -- or else Jesus will fight you with the sword that sticks out of his mouth. (Like the limbless knight in Monty Python's "Holy Grail.") 2:16

  16. Wow! If you overcome, Jesus will give you mana and a white stone with a new secret name written on it! 2:17

  17. John repeats his description of Jesus, saying he has eyes of fire and feet of brass. 2:18

  18. Those in Thyatira that obey God/Jesus until the end will rule everyone else with an iron rod. They'll even get to smash the others into pieces. He'll even throw in the morning star (the planet Venus?). 2:26-28

  19. "These things saith he that hath the seven Spirits of God, and the seven stars." That'd be Jesus. He has the seven Spirits of God (Does that include the Holy Spirit?) along with the seven stars that he carries around in his right hand. (It's kind of a good luck charm, I think.) 3:1

  20. There are a few worthy Sardisians that haven't soiled their clothes; they will get to walk around with Jesus wearing white garments. 3:4

  21. Any Philadelphian that overcomes will have the names of God, God's city (new Jerusalem), and Jesus' new name tattooed on him! 3:12

  22. God recommends that you wear "white raiment" so that "the shame of thy nakedness do not appear." 3:18

  23. John's spirit goes to heaven. 4:1-10

  24. "There were seven lamps of fire burning before the throne, which are the seven Spirits of God." 4:5

  25. John sees four beasts (lion, calf, man, eagle) each with six wings and "full of eyes." 4:6-8

  26. John sees a dead lamb with seven horns and seven eyes. He explains that the seven eyes "are the seven spirits of God." 5:6

  27. God gives someone on a white horse a bow and sends him out to conquer people. 6:2

  28. The sixth seal is opened and there is a great earthquake, the sun becomes black, and the moon red, the stars fall from heaven, and mountains and islands move around. 6:12-14

  29. God tells his murderous angels to "hurt not the earth, neither the sea, nor the trees, till we have sealed the servants of your God on their foreheads." This verse is one that Christians like to use to show God's loving concern for the environment. But the previous verse (7:2) makes it clear that it was their God-given job to "hurt the earth and the sea" just as soon as they finished their forehead marking job. 7:3

  30. 144,000 Jews will be going to heaven; everyone else is going to hell. 7:4

  31. "All the angels ... and the four beasts ... fell before the throne on their faces." 7:11

  32. Those that survive the great tribulation will get to wash their clothes in the blood of the lamb. 7:14

  33. "When he had opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven about the space of half an hour."
    That must have been nice. Too bad it didn't last. 8:1

  34. "The seven angels ... were given seven trumpets."
    When the seventh and last seal is opened, seven angels were given seven trumpets. When they start blowing them, all hell breaks loose. 8:2

  35. An angel threw the censer down to earth, causing thunder, lightning, and earthquakes. 8:5

  36. "And there fell a great star from heaven, burning as it were a lamp, and it fell upon the third part of the rivers, and upon the fountains of waters." In the Bible, stars are just little lights that can fall to the ground from the sky. 8:10

  37. The fourth trumpet smites one third of the sun, moon, and stars. 8:12

  38. An angel flies through heaven screaming, "Woe, woe, woe to the inhabiters of the earth." 8:13

  39. The fifth trumpet sounds and another star falls from heaven. The angel is given the key to a bottomless pit, containing smoke and powerful locusts. 9:1

  40. God makes some horse-like locusts with human heads, women's hair, lion's teeth, and scorpion's tails. They sting people and hurt them for five months. 9:7-10

  41. Four angels, with an army of 200 million, killed a third of the earth's population. 9:15-19

  42. An angel tells John to eat a book. He does, and it tastes good, but it makes his belly bitter. 10:10

  43. Anyone that messes with God's two olive trees and two candlesticks (God's witnesses) will be burned to death by fire that comes out of their mouths. 11:3-5

  44. God's witnesses have special powers. They can shut up heaven so that it cannot rain, turn rivers into blood, and smite the earth with plagues "as often as they will." 11:6

  45. After God's witnesses "have finished their testimony," they are  killed in a war with a beast from a bottomless pit. 11:7

  46. The bodies of God's witnesses will lie unburied for three and a half days. People will "rejoice over them and make merry, and shall send gifts to one another." After another three and half days God brings his witnesses back to life and they ascend into heaven. 11:8-12

  47. "The four and twenty elders ... fell upon their faces." 11:16

  48. "Thy wrath is come ... that thou ... shouldest destroy them which destroy the earth."
    God just told us about his fire-breathing trees and candlesticks that will make the rain stop, turn rivers and oceans into blood, and smite the earth with plagues" (11:4-6), but now he says he will destroy those that destroy the earth. I guess God's going to commit suicide. Good idea. 11:18

  49. "There were lightnings, and voices, and thunderings, and an earthquake, and great hail." 11:19

  50. Catholics say the "woman clothed with the sun" is Mary; Protestants say it is Israel, the church, or Eve. But whoever she is, she's pregnant and the dragon wants to eat her newborn baby. He's worked up an appetite by knocking down 1/3 of the stars with his tail. But when the woman delivered, God beamed her baby boy up to heaven. Then the woman went into the wilderness to feed for 1260 days. Whatever. 12:1-6

  51. "And there was a war in heaven: Michael and his angels fought against the dragon." So even in heaven, one can't be safe from war or dragons. 12:7

  52. The Return of the Dragon
    The dragon is kicked out of heaven, so he comes back to earth to look for "the woman clothed with the sun." But she was given a couple of eagle wings to be nourished in the wilderness "a time, and times, and half a time." Then the dragon spit out a river, but the earth swallowed up in order to help the woman. So the dragon went to war with her seed. (I think the movie was better.) 12:12-17

  53. John sees a sea monster with 7 heads and 10 horns, and with "blasphemy" written on on each head. It looked like a leopard, except its feet were like a bear, and its mouth like a lion. 13:1-2

  54. "All the world" worshiped the dragon and the beast. 13:3-4

  55. The beast goes to war against the "saints". He is given power (by God?) over all nations, and all non-Christians worship him. 13:7-8

  56. John sees another beast coming out of the earth with horns like a lamb and a voice like a dragon. He could do "great wonders," like make fire come down from the sky. 13:11-13

  57. The people make an image of the beast that can speak. Anyone who refuses to worship the image is killed. 13:13-15

  58. John says that wisdom is knowing that the mark of the beast is 666. Everyone will be marked on their right hand or their forehead with this number. 13:16-18

  59. Only 144,000 celibate men will be saved. (Those who were not "defiled with women.") 14:1-4

  60. Jesus sits on a white cloud with a sharp sickle in his hand. When the angel tells him to reap, he kills all the people with his sickle. 14:14-18

  61. "One of the four beasts gave unto the seven angels seven golden vials full of the wrath of God." 15:7

  62. The angel says God is righteous for turning rivers into blood. Well, it's an interesting point of view. But I'd say he's a raving lunatic. 16:5

  63. Another angel tells God how righteous he is because he gives saints blood to drink. 16:7

  64. Those who were being burned to death by God didn't repent "to give him glory." 16:9

  65. Even after being burned alive, those nasty people wouldn't repent! 16:11

  66. Three frog-like unclean spirits come out of the mouths of the dragon, beast, and false prophet. They are miracle-working devils that gather kings to fight in God's upcoming war. 16:13-14

  67. "Blessed is he that watcheth, and keepeth his garments, lest he walk naked, and they see his shame." 16:15

  68. The seventh vial: voices, thunders, lightnings, earthquakes, hail. 16:17-21

  69. God destroyed every island and mountain (just for the hell of it). 16:20

  70. "A great hall out of heaven, every stone about the weight of a talent"
    Since a talent was about 33 kilograms, this would be a new world record. (The current record holder weighed only 0.75 kg.) 16:21

  71. The great whore has "committed fornication" with all the kings on earth. Everyone else is "drunk with the wine of her fornication." She sits on a scarlet colored beast with the usual 7 heads and 10 horns. She carries a cup full of the "filthiness of her abominations" and has a big sign on her forehead saying: "Mystery, Babylon the Great, the Mother of Harlots and Abominations of the Earth." You'll know her when you see her. 17:1-5

  72. "The beast that was, and is not, and yet is." 17:8

  73. "And here is the mind which hath wisdom. The seven heads are seven mountains, on which the woman sitteth..." 17:9-13

  74. "And he saith unto me, The waters which thou sawest, where the whore sitteth, are peoples, and multitudes, and nations, and tongues." 17:15

  75. "They shall eat her flesh and burn her with fire." (Are they going to eat her first and then burn her?) 17:16-17

  76. Babylon has fallen. All nation have drunk the wine of her fornication, and the kings committed fornication with her. Now Babylon is inhabited by devils, foul spirits, and unclean, hateful birds. 18:1-3

  77. "The four beasts fell down and worshipped God ... saying, Amen; Alleluia." 19:4

  78. "The Lamb is come, and his wife hath made herself ready." Woohoo! Jesus is finally getting married. (Well, the lamb is, anyway. And I guess that's Jesus.) 19:7

  79. Jesus has eyes of fire and many crowns on his head. But no one knows his name except for Jesus himself, and he's not telling (well until the next verse, that is). 19:12

  80. Jesus' clothes are dipped in blood and his secret name ("that no man knew") is "The Word of God". (I bet you thought it was Jesus!) 19:13

  81. With eyes aflame, many crowns on his head, clothes dripping with blood, a sword sticking out of his mouth, and a secret name, Jesus leads the faithful in heaven into holy war on earth. 19:14-15

  82. "And he hath on his vesture and on his thigh a name written, KING OF KINGS, AND LORD OF LORDS."
    Oh Goodie. Jesus has another secret name. He even has it written on his thigh. (Some sort of tattoo maybe?) 19:16

  83. An angel locks up Satan for 1000 years. 20:1-3

  84. "The first resurrection" Those who don't worship the beast will become priests and reign with Christ for 1000 years. The rest of the dead will remain dead until the 1000 years is over. 20:4-6

  85. Heaven is a cube, twelve thousand furlongs (2400 km) on a side. 21:16

  86. In heaven there will be a tree that has 12 kinds of fruit with leaves that will heal nations. And there will be horses of different colors, singing munchkins, and a great and powerful wizard. 22:2

  87. "Behold, I come quickly." 7, 12, 20

  88. "His name shall be in their foreheads."
    Which of Jesus' many secret names will that be? Will believers have "King of Kings and Lord of Lords" branded on their foreheads like Jesus has tattooed to his thigh? Or "The Word of God" or "Jealous?" And what about each believer's new secret name? Does God have to mark his followers on their foreheads? Can't he tell the ones that are stupid enough to believe this kind of stuff? 22:4

  89. "Things which must shortly be done" 22:6

  90. "The time is at hand." 22:10

  91. "He which is filthy, let him be filthy still." 22:11

  92. This verse refers to Jesus as the "bright and morning star", as is Lucifer in Isaiah 14:12. So is Jesus Lucifer? 22:16

  93. Anyone who adds to the words in Revelation (or to the rest of the Bible?) will be struck with plagues, and anyone that tries to remove anything from it will have his name removed from the book of life. 22:18-19