Absurdities

1. Jesus has white hair, eyes of fire, feet of brass, and has a sword sticking out of his mouth. 1:13-16

2. The book of Revelation was written for, and addressed to, various angels. 2:1, 8, 12, 18; 3:1, 7, 14

3. He (John or Jesus) knows "even where Satan's seat is." Wow! 2:13

4. Repent -- or else Jesus will fight you with the sword that sticks out of his mouth. (Like the limbless knight in Monty Python's "Holy Grail.") 2:16

5. John repeats his description of Jesus, saying he has eyes of fire and feet of brass. 2:18

6. "I am he which searcheth the reins and hearts."
   Jesus will search your kidneys 2:23

7. God has seven spirits. (Counting the Holy Spirit?) 3:1, 4:5, 5:6

8. God recommends that you wear "white raiment" so that "the shame of thy nakedness do not appear." 3:18

9. John sees four beasts, each with six wings and "full of eyes." 4:6-8

10. John sees a dead lamb with seven horns and seven eyes. He explains that the seven eyes "are the seven spirits of God." 5:6

11. "And the four beasts said, Amen." 5:14

12. The sixth seal is opened and there is a great earthquake, the sun becomes black, and the moon red, the stars fall from heaven, and mountains and islands move around. 6:12-14

13. God tells his murderous angels to "hurt not the earth, neither the sea, nor the trees, till we have sealed the servants of your God on their foreheads." This verse is one that Christians like to use to show God's loving concern for the environment. But the previous verse (7:2) makes it clear that it was their God-given job to "hurt the earth and the sea" just as soon as they finished their forehead marking job. 7:3

14. 144,000 Jews will be going to heaven; everyone else is going to hell. 7:4

15. Those that survive the great tribulation will get to wash their clothes in the blood of the lamb. 7:14

16. An angel threw the censer down to earth, causing thunder, lightning, and earthquakes. 8:5

17. "And there fell a great star from heaven, burning as it were a lamp, and it fell upon the third part of the rivers, and upon the fountains of waters." In the bible, stars are just little lights that can fall to t he ground from the sky. 8:10

18. The fourth trumpet smites one third of the sun, moon, and stars. 8:12

19. An angel flies through heaven screaming, "Woe, woe, woe to the inhabiters of the earth." 8:13

20. The fifth trumpet sounds and another star falls from heaven. The angel is given the key to a bottomless pit, containing smoke and powerful locusts. 9:1

21. God makes some horse-like locusts with human heads, women's hair, lion's teeth, and scorpion's tails. They sting people and hurt them for five months. 9:7-10

22. Four angels, with an army of 200 million, killed a third of the earth's population. 9:15-19

23. An angel tells John to eat a book. He does, and it tastes good, but it makes his belly bitter. 10:10

24. Anyone that messes with God's two olive trees and two candlesticks (God's witnesses) will be burned to death by fire that comes out of their mouths. 11:3-5

25. God's witnesses have special powers. They can shut up heaven so that it cannot rain, turn rivers into blood, and smite the earth with plagues "as often as they will." 11:6

26. After God's witnesses "have finished their testimony," they are  killed in a war with a beast from a bottomless pit. 11:7

27. Their dead bodies lie unburied for three and a half days. People will "rejoice over them and make merry, and shall send gifts to one another." After another three and half days God brings his witnesses back to life and they ascend into heaven. 11:8-12

28. "There were lightnings, and voices, and thunderings, and an earthquake, and great hail." 11:19

29. The dragon's tail smacks down to earth one third of the stars. To the author of Revelation, the stars are just little lights that can fall to the ground from the sky. 12:4

30. "And there was a war in heaven: Michael and his angels fought against the dragon." So even in heaven, one can't be safe from war or dragons. 12:7

31. John sees a sea monster with 7 heads and 10 horns, and with "blasphemy" written on on each head. It looked like a leopard, except its feet were like a bear, and its mouth like a lion. 13:1-2

32. "All the world" worshiped the dragon and the beast. 13:3-4

33. The beast goes to war against the "saints". He is given power (by God?) over all nations, and all non-Christians worship him. 13:7-8

34. "The Lamb slain from the foundation of the world"
    God planned to kill Jesus before he created the world. 13:8

35. John sees another beast coming out of the earth with horns like a lamb and a voice like a dragon. He could do "great wonders," like make fire come down from the sky. 13:11-13

36. The people make an image of the beast that can speak. Anyone who refuses to worship the image is killed. 13:13-15

37. John says that wisdom is knowing that the mark of the beast is 666. Everyone will be marked on their right hand or their forehead with this number. 13:16-18

38. Only 144,000 celibate men will be saved. (Those who were not "defiled with women.") 14:1-4

39. "One of the four beasts gave unto the seven angels seven golden vials full of the wrath of God." 15:7

40. Three frog-like unclean spirits come out of the mouths of the dragon, beast, and false prophet. They are miracle-working devils that gather kings to fight in God's upcoming war. 16:13-14

41. "Blessed is he that watcheth, and keepeth his garments, lest he walk naked, and they see his shame." 16:15

42. The seventh vial: voices, thunders, lightnings, earthquakes, hail. 16:17-21

43. "A great hall out of heaven, every stone about the weight of a talent"
    Since a talent was about 33 kilograms, this would be a new world record. (The current record holder weighed only 0.75 kg.) 16:21

44. The great whore has "committed fornication" with all the kings on earth. Everyone else is "drunk with the wine of her fornication." She sits on a scarlet colored beast with the usual 7 heads and 10 horns. She carries a cup full of the "filthiness of her abominations" and has a big sign on her forehead saying: "Mystery, Babylon the Great, the Mother of Harlots and Abominations of the Earth." You'll know her when you see her. 17:1-5

45. "They shall eat her flesh and burn her with fire." (Are they going to eat her first and then burn her?) 17:16-17

46. "The four beasts fell down and worshipped God ... saying, Amen; Alleluia." 19:4

47. With eyes aflame, many crowns on his head, clothes dripping with blood, a sword sticking out of his mouth, and a secret name, Jesus leads the faithful into holy war. 19:12-15

48. An angel locks up Satan for 1000 years. 20:1-3

49. "The first resurrection" Those who don't worship the beast will become priests and reign with Christ for 1000 years. The rest of the dead will remain dead until the 1000 years is over. 20:4-6

50. This verse refers to Jesus as the "bright and morning star", as is Lucifer in Is.14:12. So is Jesus Lucifer? 22:16

51. Anyone who adds to the words in Revelation (or to the rest of the Bible?) will be struck with plagues, and anyone that tries to remove anything from it will have his name removed from the book of life. 22:18-19