The earth shakes whenever God really gets mad. 18:7
Smoke comes out of God's nose and fire comes out of his mouth. 18:8
God curved the heavens and came down to earth with darkness under his feet. 18:9
God rides upon cherubs and flies through the sky. 18:10
"The foundations of the world were
discovered ... at the blast of the breath of thy nostrils." (The earth is set on firm foundations
and does not move -- unless God blows his nose.) 18:15
"Thou hast heard me from the horns of the unicorns." 22:21
Those "that seek the LORD shall not want any good thing." (Those who are poor or hungry
just aren't seeking God enough.) 34:10
"Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the LORD delivereth him out of them all."
Nothing bad ever happens to righteous folks. 34:19
Those who trust in God and do good, will never be hungry. (Those who starve to death
didn't trust him or did bad things.) 37:3
If you delight yourself in God, he'll give you whatever you want. 37:4
The meek shall inherit the earth." Will they really? In nature they inherit nothing, but die painful deaths from
disease, starvation, and predation. 37:11
The author of this psalm allegedly is David. If so, then it's
not surprising that his "loins" would be "filled with a loathsome disease." After all, his promiscuity
was legendary, and he probably didn't practice safe sex. 38:5, 7
"Thou hast sore broken us in the place of dragons." 44:19
"Thou art fairer than the children of men ... therefore God hath blessed thee for ever." 45:2
God's clothes smell like myrrh, aloes, and cassia. 45:8
Atheists are fools who never do anything good. 14:1, 53:1
Wicked people are wicked from birth -- God made them that way. They tell lies immediately after birth
(before they can even talk!). 58:3
According to the psalmist, snails melt. But they don't, of course, they simply leave a slimy trail as they move
along. 58:8
They [the heathen] make a noise like a dog .... Behold, they belch out with their mouths." These are good
reasons for God to kill them. 59:6-7, 14
"The God of mercy" will let the psalmist see his enemies tormented. 59:10
God divides the world into those countries that he likes and those that he doesn't.
Those he doesn't like he calls names (like "washpot") and says that he will throw his shoe at them. 60:7-8
God will shoot people with his arrows and make their tongues fall upon themselves.
64:7-10
"He rained flesh also upon them as dust, and feathered fowls like as the sand of the sea."
See Numbers 11:20-32, where God sends quails to feed the Israelites until it literally came out their
noses. 78:27
"And he [God] smote his enemies in the hinder parts." (He kicked their ass.) 78:66
"With honey out of the rock should I have satisfied thee." 81:16
"I have said, Ye are gods." Jesus quotes this verse in John 10:34 to get out of a tough spot. (He was
claiming to be God for which the Jews accused him of blasphemy.) 82:6
The psalmist has a horn that he'd like God to erect -- "like the horn of a unicorn."
92:10
"They shall still bring forth fruit in old age; they shall be fat and flourishing."
Being fat is is sure sign of righteousness. (Wicked people are skinny and hungry.) 92:12-14
"A fire goeth before him, and burneth up his enemies round about." 97:3
"The Lord ... who healeth all thy diseases." God heals all diseases. Medical science is
unnecessary. 103:2-3
"The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy."
Is this the same guy who demanded that peoples' heads be hung up before him to appease his fierce anger
(Numbers 25:4), and who
ordered the slaughter of thousands of innocent men, women, children
(1 Samuel 15:2-3)? 103:8
"The waters stood above the mountains."
Noah's flood covered the highest mountains, just like it says in Genesis 7:20. 104:6-7
"He smote ... their fig trees." (God hates figs) 105:33
"God ... turned the rock into a standing water, the flint into a fountain of waters." 114:7-8
"Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints." 116:15
Proud people have hearts that are "fat as grease." 119:69-70
"The LORD is thy keeper.... The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon
by night." So believers don't have to bother with sunscreen. God will protect them from
sunburn, and moonburn too. 121:5-6
"Pray for the peace of Jerusalem: they shall prosper that love thee."
Jews, Christians, and Muslims all love Jerusalem, and fight each other for the holy city, exclusively given to them by God. None of them prosper.
122:6
"Except the LORD build the house, they labour in vain that build it."
God doesn't build houses or watch over cities; people do. 127:1
"He giveth his beloved sleep."
Don't bother getting up early and working hard. If God loves you, you can sleep in and let God
take care you. 127:2
"To him that smote Egypt in their first born: for his mercy endures forever."
136:10
God "overthrew Pharaoh and his host in the Red sea: for his mercy endureth for ever."
136:15
a
God "smote great kings: for his mercy endureth for ever." 136:17-18
"If I forget thee, O Jerusalem, let my right hand forget her cunning.
If I do not remember thee, let my tongue cleave to the roof of my mouth." 137:5-6
