Episode 64: Trouble in the land of Moron

Ether 6-8

The Jaredites discover America

6¹ Now that Moroni is done telling about Jesus's visit to the brother of Jared (2200 years before Jesus was born), he continues with his story about how the Israelites discovered America (the first time).

^2-3 God made two stones that shine in the darkness. These stones were put into the barges, "and behold, they did give light unto the vessels."

^3-12 The eight barges were blown by God for 344 days until they reached the promised land. ^13-18 There were "about(?)" 22 people on board the eight barges when they landed in the New World. But as soon as they got off the boat they got down to the business of procreating. Jared had four sons, right off the bat (Jacom, Gilgah, Mahah, and Orihah). The brother of Jared had both sons and daughters, all of which were, apparently, as nameless as their father. The rest of the friends and family of Jared got even friendlier, and before long "they began to be many."

^19-21 After a while, the brother of Jared began to be old, and he decided to count the people. When he counted up his own kids, he came up with 22. Jared only managed to have twelve, four sons and eight daughters. The rest of Jared's family and friends counted their kids, too, but Moroni doesn't provide any numbers (though he says they "were many").

^22-27 The people asked for a king, but the brother of Jared said that was a bad idea. Jared overruled him, saying, "Oh heck, let them have a king." So the people selected Pagag, the firstborn of the brother of Jared. But Pagag refused to be king. So the people chose Pagag's three brothers, but each of them refused, too. So they tried the sons of Jared (since he had 22 kids, there must have been a dozen or so), but they all refused, except for Orihah, who was made king.

^28-30 After Jared and his brother died, the people became exceedingly rich, while their new king, Orihah, walked humbly before the Lord.

Trouble in the land of Moron

7^1-2 Jared's son, Orihah, was a righteous king for exceedingly many days. He had 32 children, 24 sons and 8 daughters. His youngest son, Kib, replaced him as king in his old age. ⁴ Kib's son, Corihor, rebelled against his father and went over to the land of Nehor, where he begat some exceedingly fair sons and daughters. Corihor's children were so good looking that people came from all over just to be around them.

^5-7 Corihor gathered an army and went to the land of Moron, where he captured his father, Kib. When Kib was exceedingly old, he had a son named Shule, while he and his people were in captivity. ^8-9 Shule made some steel swords, attacked and defeated his brother Corihor, thereby restoring his father's (Kib's) kingdom. ^10-12 Kib gave the kingdom to his son Shule, who had many sons and daughters and ruled in righteousness, while the people became exceedingly numerous.

^13-14 Corihor repented and his brother Shule shared some of his power with him. Corihor had lots of sons and daughters; one of his sons was named Noah. ^15-17 Noah rebelled against his father, Corihor, and his uncle, King Shule. Noah defeated King Shule and carried him away to the land of Moron.

^18-19 The sons of Shule assassinated Noah, freed their father and restored his kingdom. And under King Shule, the people prospered exceedingly. ²⁰ But Cohor, the son of Noah, became king in a rival kingdom. Cohor attacked the kingdom of Shule, but Shule beat them and killed Cohor.

^21-23 Cohor's son, Nimrod, gained Shule's favor, and prophets began warning the people that God would destroy them all if they didn't repent. ^24-27 The people reviled against the prophets, Shule made the people stop and allowed the prophets to go wherever they wanted. Then the people repented and God decided not to kill everyone. The people began to prosper, Shule begat sons and daughters in his old age and did nothing but righteous things for the rest of his life.

Those darn secret combinations!

8^1-2 King Shule's son, Omer, replaced his father as king. Omer's son, Jared, rebelled against him and went to live in the land of Heth. He stole half of his father's kingdom by flattering people with cunning words. ^3-4 After Jared stole half of his father's (Omer's) kingdom, he captured his father and forced him to serve him for half of his life. While Omer was in prison, he begat two more sons, Esrom and Coriantumr. (Apparently his son allowed him conjugal visits.)

^5-6 When Esrom and Coriantumr grew up, they were upset by what their brother, Jared, did to their father, Omer. So one night they got an army together and attacked Jared, killing every soldier in his army. They were about to kill Jared, too, but Jared promised to give the kingdom back to his (and their) dad. And that's how Omer got his kingdom back.

^7-10 Jared was exceedingly sad after losing the kingdom, but his exceedingly pretty daughter came up with a plan for him to get it back. she'd dance in front of Akish (one of King Omer's friends) and please him. Then when he asks Jared to marry her, he'll say, "OK, if you'll bring me John the Baptist's my father's head."

^8-12 So Jared's daughter danced in front of Akish; Akish asked Jared if he could marry her; and Jared said, "OK, if you bring me John the Baptist's my father's head."

^13-26 And then the story gets sidetracked. Did Akish deliver Omer's head to Jared? We may never know, because now we're going to learn about those secret, abominable, murderous, wicked oaths and combinations passed down since the time of Cain (that take place in every Latter-Day Saint temple).