Judges
Introduction
Print Version

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21

Injustice
Absurdities
Cruelty and Violence
Intolerance
Contradictions
Women
Family Values
Sex
Interpretation
Language
Prophecy
Science and History
Good Stuff
SAB: Judges

Source Index
-Brick Testament
-Illustrations

Encyclopedia Articles
-Wikipedia
-Columbia Encyclopedia
-Catholic Encyclopedia

Other Versions
-Nevi'im
-NWT
-JST
-NIV
-Douay-Rheims
-NAB

Get the SAB
on CD

Absurdity in Judges

  1. Adonibezek fed 70 kings (with their thumbs and big toes cut off) under his table. 1:7

  2. "The Lord ... could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron." 1:19

  3. God promised many times that he would drive out all the inhabitants of the lands they encountered. But these verses show that God failed to keep his promise since he was unable to driver out the Canaanites. 1:21, 27-30

  4. An angel drops by to rebuke the Israelites for being too tolerant of the religious beliefs of the people they have been massacring. He tells them that since they didn't complete their job (of killing everyone), God will not completely drive them out (like he promised to do). Instead he'll keep some of them around so that the Israelites will be ensnared by their false gods. 2:1-3

  5. God anger "was hot against Israel, and he sold them." Well, I hope he got a good price. 2:14, 4:2

  6. Shamgar kills 600 Philistines with an ox goad. Praise God. 3:31

  7. "The children of Israel cried unto the LORD: for he [Sisera, not God] had nine hundred chariots of iron." Yet just a few verses ago (Jg.1:19) God was overpowered by chariots of iron. 4:3

  8. "The stars in their courses fought against Sisera." Unless astrology is true, how can the stars affect the outcome of a battle? 5:20

  9. Every male Midianite was killed during the time of Moses (Num.31:7), and yet 200 years later they flourish like grasshoppers "without number." 6:1-6

  10. To prove he's for real, the angel makes fire come out of a rock, burning the flesh and cakes. 6:20-21

  11. "The Spirit of the LORD came upon Gideon, and he blew a trumpet." 6:34

  12. Gideon needs some (more) signs to convince him that God isn't lying to him. (The buring flesh sign from 6:20-21 didn't satisfy him.) So he puts down some wool on the ground and asks God to make it wet, while keeping the surrounding ground dry. And God does it, no sweat. But Gideon is still not sure he can trust God, so he asks him to reverse the trick, and make the ground wet and the wool dry. "And God did so ..." Gideon must have been impressed by a God that could do such great things. 6:36-40

  13. God picks the men to fight in Gideon's army by the way they drink water. Only those that lap water with their tongues, "as a dog lappeth," shall fight. 7:4-7

  14. The Midianites and Amalekites had an infinite number of camels -- well, maybe not quite, but at least as many "as the sand by the sea shore." 7:12

  15. Gideon's men break three hundren picthers while holding lamps, blowing trumpets, and yelling "The sword of the Lord and of Gideon." 7:16-20

  16. Gideon made an Ephod out of camel necklaces that caused "all Israel" to "go a whoring. 8:27

  17. Abimelech kills 69 brothers "upon one stone." (He was trying to get in the Guinness Book of World Records.) 9:5

  18. And now for something completely different: Talking Trees 9:8-15

  19. "Wine ... cheereth God and man." So God drinks wine and it makes him happy. 9:13

  20. God sends evil spirits that cause humans to deal treacherously with each other. 9:23-24

  21. Abimelech and his men burned to death 1000 men and women who were trapped in a tower. (They had really big towers back then.) 9:49

  22. "Jair ... had thirty sons that rode on thirty ass colts, and they had thirty cities." 10:3-4

  23. God was angry at Israel so he sold them to the Philistines. (He had previously sold them to the kings of Mesopotamia (3:8) and Canaan (4:2).) 10:7

  24. Abdon had 70 sons and nephews that rode on 70 ass colts. 12:13-14

  25. "Why askest thou thus after my name, seeing it is secret?"
    The angel had a secret name. (Clarence?, 007?, agent 99?) 13:18

  26. "The angel of the LORD ascended in the flame of the altar." 13:20

  27. "And the child [Samson] grew, and the Lord blessed him." Samson was one of the vilest of all the vile Bible heroes; Yet he was especially blessed by God. 13:24

  28. Samson rips up a young lion when "the spirit of the Lord came mightily upon him." Later, when going to "take" his Philistine wife he notices a swarm of bees and honey in the lion's carcass (a Divine miracle -- or just rotting flesh and maggots?). 14:5-8

  29. Samson catches 300 foxes, ties their tails together, and sets them on fire. 15:4

  30. "The spirit of the Lord came mightily upon" Samson and "he found a new jawbone of an ass ... and took it, and slew 1000 men therewith." 15:14-15

  31. After Samson killed 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass, he was thirsty. So God created and filled a hollow in the very same jawbone and put water in it for Samson to drink. 15:17-19

  32. Samson, after "going in unto" a harlot, takes the doors, gate, and posts of the city and carries them to the top of a hill. Why did he do this? Did God make him do it or was he just showing off? The Bible doesn't say. 16:3

  33. Samson reveals the secret of his strength to Delilah: "If I be shaven, then my strength will go from me." (And I thought his strength was from God.) 16:17

  34. After taking in a traveling Levite, the host offers his virgin daughter and his guest's concubine to a mob of perverts (who want to have sex with his guest). The mob refuses the daughter, but accepts the concubine and they "abuse her all night." The next morning she crawls back to the doorstep and dies. The Levite puts her dead body on an ass and takes her home. Then he chops her body up into twelve pieces and sends them to each of the twelve tribes of Israel. 19:22-30

  35. The Benjamites had 700 left-handed men who could sling a stone at a hair and not miss. 20:16

  36. God tells the Israelites to send the tribe of Judah into battle and 22,000 men were killed by the Benjamites. 20:18, 21

  37. God tells them to go to battle again and another 18,000 are killed. 20:23, 25

  38. God tells Phinehas to fight against the Benjamites, saying he will deliver them into his hand. So the Israelites kill some more people for God. 20:38-41