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Exodus: Sex

  1. God decides to kill Moses because his son had not yet been circumcised. Luckily for Moses, his Egyptian wife Zipporah "took a sharp stone, and cut off the foreskin of her son, and cast it at his feet, and said, Surely a bloody husband art thou to me. So he [God] let him go." This story shows the importance of penises to God, and his hatred of foreskins. 4:24

  2. Moses, like a coach giving instructions to the team before the big game, tells the men to "come not at your wives" before he goes up to Mt. Sinai. 19:15

  3. God tells the priests not to go up the steps to the altar "that thy nakedness not be discovered thereon." (Skirts on stairs are a problem.) 20:26

  4. "Whosoever lieth with a beast shall surely be put to death." Is it really necessary to kill such people? Couldn't we just send them to counseling or something? 22:19

  5. Aaron makes a golden calf and tells the people to take off their clothes and dance around naked. God then punishes them mercilessly for following their divinely appointed religious leader. 32:1-35

  6. Aaron makes the people take off all their clothes and dance naked around his golden calf. 32:25

  7. "Their daughters go a whoring after their gods, and make thy sons go a whoring after their gods." God always blames the women; it is they who "go a whoring" and then "make" the men "go a whoring." 34:16