"The hand of the LORD was against them, to destroy them from among the host, until they were consumed."
God killed all the Israelite soldiers -- slowly. It took him 38 years to kill them all, but he finally got the job done.
"The Lord destroyed them before them" -- the general treatment of the people who were supposedly displaced by
the Israelites. 2:21-22
"I have given into thine hand Sihon the Amorite, king of Heshbon, and his land:
begin to possess it, and contend with him in battle." 2:24
All nations shall be terrorized by the followers of Yahweh. 2:25
God hardened the heart of the king of Heshbon and so that
he could have him and all of his people killed. 2:30
At God's instructions, the Israelites "utterly destroyed the men, women, and the little ones" leaving "none to
The Israelites, with God's help, kill all the men, women, and children of every
"And we utterly destroyed them, as we did unto Sihon king of Heshbon, utterly destroying the men, women, and children, of every city."
Moses promises Joshua that God will massacre kings and kingdoms for him, too. 3:21
When going to war, don't be afraid. God is on your side; "he shall fight for you."
"What God is there in heaven or in earth, that can do according to thy works?"
What other God can kill so many people? 3:24
God is "a consuming fire, even a jealous God." 4:24
If someone makes an image of anything (like a bird or flower) then God will destroy the entire
God brought the Israelites out of Egypt "by war ... and by great terrors."
God, by his own admission, is a jealous God who unjustly punishes great-great grandchildren for the failings of their
long-dead ancestors. 5:9
"Neither shalt thou desire thy neighbour's ... manservant, or his maidservant, his ox, or his
ass, or any thing that is thy neighbour's." In the Bible, slaves (servants in the KJV) are the rightful property of
slave-owners; they are his possessions -- like an ox or an ass. 5:21
If you worship the wrong god, God will get jealous and kill you. 6:15
God instructs the Israelites to kill, without mercy, all the inhabitants (strangers) of the land that they
If you do show any mercy to such strangers, "give your daughters to any of them, or "take" any of their daughters, then
you'll get God so angry that he'll "destroy thee suddenly." 7:4
God prefers the Israelites to everyone else. It's not that he's prejudiced, he just like them better.
Kill everyone who has religious beliefs that are different from your own.
Anyone who will not listen to a priest or a judge must be executed.
False prophets are to be (you guessed it) executed. How do you know who is a false prophet? By whether or not their
predictions come true. (Watch out Jehovah's Witnesses!) 18:20
A murderer is to be killed by "the avenger of blood," which is the victim's nearest relative. "And thine eye shall not pity" them.
Do unto false witnesses as the criminals intended to do to their victims. 19:18-19
"And thine eye shall not pity. Life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth,
hand for hand, foot for foot." 19:21
God travels with people and fights in their wars. 20:4
God tells the Israelites to enslave the people that they conquer in war.
In the cities that god "delivers into thine hands" you must kill all the males (including old men, boys, and babies) with
"the edge of the sword .... But the women ... shalt thou take unto yourself."
"But of the cities ... which the Lord thy God doth give thee for an inheritance, thou shalt save alive nothing that
breatheth." Kill the old men and women, the sick and the dying, the blind and the lame, pregnant mothers, nursing mothers,
infants, toddlers, and babies. 20:16
If you find a dead body and don't know the cause of death, then get all the elders together, cut off the head of a
heifer, wash your hands over its body, and say our hands have not shed this blood. (That'll do it!)
If you have a "stubborn and rebellious son," then you and the other men in your neighborhood "shall stone him
with stones that he die." 21:18-21
When someone commits "a sin worthy of death" that person is "accursed of God" and should be hung on a tree. 21:22-23
If a man marries, then decides that he hates his wife, he can claim she wasn't a virgin when they were married. If
her father can't produce the "tokens of her virginity" (bloody sheets), then the woman is to be stoned to death at her father's
"If a man be found lying with a woman married to a husband, then they shall both of them die."
If a betrothed virgin is raped in the city and doesn't cry out loud enough, then "the men of the city shall stone her to
If a man rapes an unbetrothed virgin, he must pay her father 50 shekels of silver and then marry her.
You can't go to church if your testicles are damaged or your penis has been cut off.
God won't let bastards attend church. Neither can the sons or daughters of bastards "even to the tenth generation."
So if you plan to attend church next Sunday be ready to prove that your genitals are intact and don't forget your birth
certificate and genealogical records for at least the last ten generations. Don't laugh. This stuff is important to God.
No Moabite will ever be allowed into the congregation of the Lord. 23:3, 6
God says not to bring any whore, sodomite, or dog into the house of the Lord. For "these things are an abomination
to the Lord." Sodomites and dogs are biblical names for homosexuals. 23:17-18
Usury is wrong except when lending to strangers. Then it's okay. 23:20
If a man marries a woman and later finds "some uncleanness in her," then he can divorce her and kick her out of his
house. If another man marries her and then dies, the first husband cannot marry her again. "For that is an abomination before
the Lord." 24:1-4
Those who capture slaves and sell them must be executed. 24:7
"Remember what the Lord thy God did unto Miriam." (He struck her with leprosy for rightly accusing Moses of breaking
God's laws regarding marriage [Num.12:10]).
Legal disputes are settled by a judge who determines guilt or innocence. No lawyers or jury
are needed. Those found guilty will be beaten with 40 stripes. 25:1-3
If a man dies without having a child, his brother shall "go in unto" his dead brother's wife -- whether she likes him or
not, and whether she wants to or not. If he refuses, the dead
man's wife is to loosen his shoe and spit in his face. 25:5-10
If two men fight and the wife of one grabs the "secrets" of the other, "then thou shalt cut off her hand" and "thine eye
shall not pity her." 25:11-12
God commands the Israelites to "blot out the rembrance of Amalek from under heaven." A few hundred years later
God orders Saul to kill of the Amalekites "both man and woman, infant and suckling."
(1 Samuel 15:2-3) 25:19
If you don't obey all of the laws that are given in the Old Testament, God shower you with the curses that are given
in the next 52 verses. 28:16-68
"Cursed shalt thou be in the city, and cursed shalt thou be in the field." I guess you'll be
cursed just about wherever you go. 28:16
"Cursed shalt thou be when thou comest in, and cursed shalt thou be when thou goest out."
"The LORD shall send upon thee cursing, vexation, and rebuke, in all that thou settest thine hand unto for to do,
until thou be destroyed, and until thou perish quickly." 28:20
"The LORD shall make
the pestilence cleave unto thee, until he have consumed thee." 28:21
"The LORD shall cause thee to be smitten before thine enemies." 28:25
"And thy carcass shall be meat to
all the fowls of the air, and no man shall fray them away." 28:26
"The Lord will smite thee with the botch of Egypt, and the emerods [hemorrhoids], and with the scab, and with the
itch, whereof thou canst be healed." 28:27
"The Lord will smite thee with madness, and , and astonishment of heart." 28:28
"And thou shalt grope at noonday, as the bliblindnessnd gropeth in darkness, and thou shalt not prosper in thy ways:
and thou shalt be only oppressed and spoiled evermore, and no man shall save thee." 28:29
"Thou shalt betroth a wife, and another man shall lie with her." 28:30
"Thine ox shall be slain before thine eyes ... thine ass shall be violently taken away." 28:31
"Thy sons and thy daughters shall be given unto another people." 28:32
You will be enslaved and driven mad in another country. 28:33-24
"The Lord will smite thee in the knees, and in the legs, with a sore botch that cannot be healed, from the sole of thy
foot unto the top of thy head." 28:35
You will be ruled by other nations, forced to serve other gods, become a laughingstock among your neighbors, have
your crops destroyed by locusts, your vines eaten by worms, and have fruitless olive trees.
"Thou shalt begat sons and daughters, but thou shall not enjoy them; for they shall go into
"All these curses shall come upon thee ... and upon thy seed for ever."
God will enslave you and destroy you with hunger, thirst, hardship,
and all kinds of deprivation. 28:48-52
"And thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and of thy daughters."
"So that the man that is tender among you, and very delicate, his eye shall be evil toward his brother, and toward the wife of his
bosom, and toward the remnant of his children which he shall leave: So that he will not give to any of them of the flesh of his
children whom he shall eat." 28:54-55
"The tender and delicate woman" will be forced to eat her own children "that cometh out from between her
"If thou wilt not observe to do all the words of this law that are written in this book. Then the LORD will make thy plagues wonderful,
and the plagues of thy seed ...
Also every sickness, and every plague, which is not written in the book of this law, them will
the LORD bring upon thee, until thou be destroyed." 28:58-61
If the Jews don't follow God's laws he'll have most of them killed. 28:62
"The LORD will rejoice over you to destroy you, and to bring you to nought." 28:63
"And the LORD shall scatter thee among all people, from the one end of the earth even unto the other; and there thou shalt serve other gods."
"The LORD shall give thee there a trembling heart, and failing of
eyes, and sorrow of mind." 28:65
"And thy life shall hang in doubt before thee; and thou shalt fear day and night, and shalt have
none assurance of thy life." 28:66
"In the morning thou shalt say, Would God it were even! and at even thou shalt say, Would God it were morning!
for the fear of thine heart wherewith thou shalt fear, and for the sight of thine eyes which thou shalt see." 28:67
God will have you sold to your enemies -- but even they won't buy you.
If you serve the gods of other nations, "all the curses that are in
this book" will fall upon you. 29:18-20
When God gets mad -- watch out! He'll starve you to death, burn you with fire, and send vicious beasts to
devour you. He'll "destroy both the young man and the virgin, the suckling also with the man of gray hairs." Not even the
helpless and innocent are spared by this psychotic God. 32:21-26
"For a fire is kindled in mine anger, and shall burn unto the lowest hell, and shall
consume the earth with her increase, and set on fire the foundations of the
"I will heap mischiefs upon them; I will spend mine arrows upon them." 32:23
"They shall be burnt
with hunger, and devoured with burning heat, and with bitter destruction: I
will also send the teeth of beasts upon them, with the poison of serpents of
the dust." 32:24
"The sword without, and terror within, shall destroy both the young man and the virgin, the suckling also with the man of gray hairs."
"I said, I would scatter them into corners, I would make the remembrance of them to cease from among men." 32:26
God says, "To me belongeth vengeance, and recompense ... for the day of their destruction
is at hand." 32:35
God says, "I kill ... I wound ... I will make my arrows drunk with blood, and my sword shall devour flesh."
Someone should take his sword and arrows away, at least until he's feeling better.
After Moses recites God's song, God tells him to climb Mount Nebo and die. This is to punish Moses
for striking the rock twice to get water out of it, rather than just talking to the rock. Or something like that.