0 Matthew : Absurdity
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And he said unto them, Go. And when they were come out, they went into the herd of swine: and, behold, the whole herd of swine ran violently down a steep place into the sea, and perished in the waters. 8:32

Trivia: Who said that he came to disrupt families?

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Matthew : Absurdity (84)

  1. The gospel of Matthew begins with a boring genealogy like that we are told to avoid in 1 Timothy 1:4 ("Neither give heed to fables and endless genealogies") and Titus 3:9 ("Avoid foolish questions and genealogies"). 1:1-17
  2. Judah "went in unto" his daughter-in-law, Tamar, who was disguised as a prostitute. She conceived and bore Pharez, an ancestor of Jesus. (Gen.38:2-29) 1:3
  3. There are 29 generations listed from David to Jesus in Matthew's genealogy, while Luke's (3:23-31) has 43. Except for David at one end and Jesus at the other, there are only three names in the two lists that are the same. 1:6-16
  4. According to Luke 1:35, Mary knew before she became pregnant that the Holy Ghost would "come upon" her. If so, then she must not have told Joseph, since in this verse he is told by an angel after Mary is already pregnant. 1:20
  5. It seems strange that God would tell Joseph and his family to walk five hundred miles (the distance between Bethlehem and Egypt) to avoid the slaughter in Bethlehem. How could such a poor family afford to make such a journey? Why not just suggest that they go to a nearby village until the danger is over? 2:13-14
  6. John has a good point in v.14. If Jesus is the sinless Son of God, then shouldn't Jesus be baptizing John instead of the reverse? Isn't baptism supposed to forgive sins and be a sign of repentance? If so, then why would Jesus need to be baptized? And what the heck is "it becometh us to fulfil all righteousness" supposed to mean? 3:14-15
  7. The Son of God is led by the Spirit of God to be tempted by the devil. 4:1
  8. "He had fasted forty days and forty nights."
    The Science of Starvation: How long can humans survive without food or water? 4:2
  9. The devil kidnaps Jesus and takes him up to the top of the temple, and then to the top of "an exceedingly high mountain," high enough to see "all the kingdoms of the world." I guess the earth was flat in those days. 4:8
  10. Jesus forbids the taking of any kind of oath. Yet Christians in courtrooms throughout the United States place their right hand on the Bible swear to tell the truth. 5:34-37
  11. Don't defend yourself in court. 5:40
  12. "But if thine eye be evil...." There's nothing worse than an evil eye. 6:23
  13. "Behold the fowls of the air...." Jesus says that God feeds them. But, if so, he does one hell of a lousy job at it. Most birds die before leaving the nest, and the few who manage to fly soon die painful deaths of starvation, predation, or disease. If God is caring for them, pray that he stays away from you. 6:26
  14. Jesus says that we should not concern ourselves with material things, But Paul (1 Timothy 5:8) says that anyone who behaves that way has "denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel." 6:31-34
  15. Ask, and it shall be given you."
    Mark Twain said there are "upwards of a thousand lies" in the Bible. But this is probably the biggest. How many desperate, frightened, broken-hearted parents have watched their children die while begging God to help? 7:7-8
  16. "This is the law and the prophets." If, as Jesus said, the golden rule summarizes the Old Testament's law and prophets, then why are these passages found in it? 7:12
  17. Many people who used to cast out devils in Jesus' name are now in hell! 7:22-23
  18. Peter's mother-in-law was sick with a fever. Jesus healed her by touching her hand, so she could get back to serving them. (Peter's mother-in-law? The first pope was married?) 8:14-15
  19. "They brought unto him many that were possessed with devils: and he cast out the spirits with his word." 8:16
  20. Jesus and his disciples were crossing a lake in a boat when a storm came. Jesus was asleep, so his chicken-shit disciples woke him up. Jesus rebuked them for having little faith and then calmed the winds and the waves. All of which was to show, what? That weather is sent by God and can be controlled by faith? 8:24-26
  21. The devils confess that Jesus is the Son of God. According to 1 John 4:15 ("Whosoever shall confess that Jesus is the Son of God, God dwelleth in him, and he in God"), then, God dwells in the devils and the devils in God. 8:29
  22. After Jesus kills the herd of pigs by sending devils into them, the "whole city" asks him to leave. I don't blame them. 8:34
  23. "Thy faith hath made thee whole."
    If you have enough faith, you will never get sick. (Illness is caused by sin and lack of faith. Medical science is unnecessary.) 9:22
  24. Jesus heals two blind men. (Or was it their blind faith that healed them?) 9:27-29
  25. Jesus heals a "dumb man possessed by a devil." (Those who cannot speak are possessed by a devil.) 9:32-33
  26. "Jesus went about all the cities and villages ... healing every sickness and every disease." 9:35
  27. Jesus gives his disciples "power against unclean spirits, to cast them out, and to heal all manner of sickness." 10:1
  28. Jesus tells his disciples to perform all the usual tricks: "heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, raise the dead, and cast out devils." 10:8
  29. Families will be torn apart because of Jesus (this is one of the few "prophecies" in the Bible that has actually come true). "Brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death." 10:21
  30. "He that endureth to the end shall be saved." 10:22
  31. God is involved in the death of every sparrow. He sees to it that they each die painful deaths of starvation, predation, or disease. But don't worry. God will do the same for you. (He thinks that humans are worth much more than sparrows.) 10:29, 31
  32. Peter denied Jesus three times before men. Therefore Jesus must have denied Peter before God. 10:33
  33. John the Baptist is still not sure about Jesus (he's in prison and is soon to die). He sends his disciples to ask, "Art thou he that should come, or do we look for another?" Well, if he isn't sure after seeing and hearing the events at Jesus' baptism, then how can anyone else be? 11:3
  34. John the Baptist was the greatest man ever to live (even greater than Jesus), but "he that is least in the kingdom of heaven is greater than he." 11:11
  35. "And from the days of John the Baptist until now...." Until when? (John the Baptist was still alive when this verse was supposedly uttered.) Jesus continues to bewilder his poor disciples by saying, "The kingdom of heaven suffereth violence, and the violent take it by force." 11:12
  36. "Jesus ... said, I thank thee, O Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because thou hast hid these things from the wise and prudent, and hast revealed them unto babes." Wise and prudent people have always rejected Jesus. They still do today. 11:25
  37. Jesus heals a withered hand. 12:10-13
  38. "Great multitudes followed him, and he healed them all." 12:15
  39. Jesus predicts that he will be "in the heart of the earth" for three days and three nights. If by this he meant that he would be in the tomb for three days and three nights, then either he was mistaken or the gospels are in error. Because according to the gospels (this is one of the few things they all seem to agree on), Jesus was in the tomb for only one day and two nights. 12:40
  40. Jesus believed in the literal truth of the fish story in Jonah. 12:40
  41. When an unclean spirit (whatever that may be) leaves a person's body, he goes out to find another. Not finding any, he comes back with seven other spirits more wicked than himself and repossesses the person. 12:43-45
  42. Jesus is rejected by those who know him the best -- the people of his home town of Nazareth. 13:55-57
  43. Herod thought Jesus was a resurrected John the Baptist. Apparently, it was a common opinion at the time (See Mt 16.13-14, Mk 6:14-15, 8:27-28, Lk 9:7-8, 18-19). If so many of Jesus' contemporaries could be so easily fooled regarding John the Baptist, what does this do to the credibility of Jesus' resurrection? 14:1-2
  44. "Jesus ... saw a great multitude ... and he healed their sick." 14:14
  45. Jesus fed 5000 men (plus women and children) with five loaves and two fishes (with 12 baskets left over). 14:15-21
  46. "Jesus went unto them, walking on the sea."
    Jesus and Peter walk on water. You can too, if you have more than a little faith. 14:25-31
  47. "They sent out into all that country round about, and brought unto him all that were diseased ... and as many as touched were made perfectly whole." 14:35-37
  48. After the Canaanite woman grovels a bit more at Jesus' feet and admits to being "a dog," Jesus cast out her daughter's devil. 15:27-28
  49. Jesus went up on a mountain and healed "a great multitude" of lame, blind, dumb, and maimed people. 15:29-30
  50. The disciples wonder where they will get the bread to feed four thousand. But they should know by now, since Jesus just did the same trick in 14:14-21. These stories are probably the result of two oral versions of the same fictitious story. 15:33
  51. Opinions were divided regarding the identity of Jesus, but many thought that he was the risen John the Baptist. The fact that people could be so easily fooled regarding the Baptist's "resurrection" casts doubt on the resurrection of Jesus. 16:14
  52. When Peter expressed his dismay when Jesus announced his coming death, Jesus said to him "Get thee behind me, Satan" -- a fine way to address his holiness, the first pope! 16:23
  53. "Whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it."
    If you want to stay alive, you must lose your life (kill yourself?) for Jesus' sake. 16:25
  54. Jesus takes Peter, James, and John up to a high mountain top, where his face began shining like the sun. Moses and Elijah show up, a cloud came over them, and a voice came from the sky saying, "This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased; hear ye him." 17:1-5
  55. "And when the disciples heard it, they fell on their face." 17:6
  56. Jesus says that Elijah, whom he believes is John the Baptist, will come and "restore all things." But what things did John the Baptist restore? 17:11-13
  57. Jesus speaks harshly of his disciples when they fail to cast out the devil, saying "O faithless and perverse generation, how long shall I be with you?" 17:17
  58. If your faith is great enough, you can move mountains around. 17:20
  59. Jesus tells Peter to pay his taxes with a coin that he'll find in the mouth of the first fish that he catches from the sea. 17:27
  60. If you can get two other believers to agree with you, and the three of you ask God for something, he will give it to you. 18:19
  61. "Great multitudes followed him; and he healed them there." 19:2 able to receive it, let him receive it." Dangerous words from a guy who recommends cutting of body parts if they cause you to sin (Mt 5:29-30, 18:8-9; Mk 9:43-48). It might make someone castrate himself so that he could be one of the 144,000 male virgins, who alone will make it to heaven (Rev 14:3-4). 19:12
  62. Jesus lists the "ten commandments," but his list has only six, and the sixth is not one of the ten. The commandments given by Jesus are secular, not religious, in nature. 19:18
  63. Rich people don't go to heaven. For as Jesus says, "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God. 19:23
  64. Jesus tells his apostles, "ye shall sit upon the twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel." I wonder which tribe Judas is judging? 19:28
  65. "Is thine eye evil, because I am good?" (What the fuck is that supposed to mean?) 20:15
  66. "Jesus ... touched their eyes: and immediately their eyes received sight." 20:34
  67. Matthew has Jesus ride into Jerusalem sitting on both an ass and a colt (must have taken some practice!). 21:2-7
  68. "The blind and the lame came to him in the temple; and he healed them." 21:14
  69. Jesus curses a fig tree and the tree dies immediately (showing the world how much God Hates Figs). But in Mark's gospel (11:14, 20-21) the cursed fig tree doesn't die until the next morning. 21:19-20
  70. If your faith is great enough, you can not only kill fig trees but move mountains around, too. Whatever you ask for you will receive. (O Lord, won't ya buy me a Mercedes-Benz?) 21:21-22
  71. The end of the world will be signaled by wars, famines, disease, and earthquakes (6-7). And that's just "the beginning of sorrows" (8). Next believers will be hated and killed by unbelievers (9), believers will hate and betray each other (10), false prophets will fool people (11), iniquity will abound and love wax cold (12). But hey, if you make through all that, you'll be saved (13).

    Only one more thing will happen before the end comes: the gospel will be preached throughout the world (14). Well, that and the abomination of desolations will stand in the holy place (15), many false Christs and false prophets will show great signs and wonders (24), the sun and moon will be darkened and the stars will fall (29), the sign of the son of Man will appear in the sky, everyone on earth will mourn, and then, finally, the great and powerful son of Man will come in all his glory (30).

    Oh, and all these things will happen within the lifespan of Jesus' contemporaries (34).

    Or maybe not. Jesus was talking about things he knew nothing about (36). (See Mark 13:32.) 24:3-51

  72. If you see the abomination of desolation in the holy place, try to understand. God is trying to say something. 24:15
  73. "Let them which be in Judea flee into the mountains." Why? Can't God find and kill them there, too? 24:16
  74. Jesus says there will be "false Christs" that will "show great signs and wonders." Well, Jesus himself according to Acts 2:22 fits this description. 24:24
  75. The kingdom of heaven like ten virgins who went to meet their bridegroom. Five had oil for their lamps and five didn't. When the bridegroom was ready for them, only the five well-oiled virgins got to have sex with him on their wedding night. The bridegroom shunned the other five, saying "Get lost. I don't even know you." The moral to the story is this: watch out, you never know when (or with whom) Jesus will come. 25:1-13
  76. "Eat; this is my body."
    Jesus tells his disciples to eat his body and drink his blood. Did he mean this literally or figuratively? The question has divided Christians since the Reformation, but it's impossible to tell from the passage itself. If God inspired the Bible, shouldn't he have made its interpretation clear? 26:26-28
  77. "I will not drink henceforth of this fruit of the vine, until that day when I drink it new with you in my Father's kingdom."
    WooHoo! There will be wine to drink in heaven. 26:29
  78. "And he went a little farther, and fell on his face." 26:39
  79. "Then the high priest rent his clothes." 26:65
  80. When Jesus died, "the graves were opened; and many bodies of the saints" arose. But they stayed in their graves until Jesus rose from the dead, when they began to walk around, appearing to many in Jerusalem. 27:53-54
  81. "And behold, there was a great earthquake." 28:2
  82. "He is risen."
    Jesus came back to life after being dead for a while. 28:6
  83. The phrase "unto this day" shows that the gospel of Matthew was written long after the events it describes. 27:8, 28:15
  84. Even some of Jesus' apostles doubted that the allegedly risen Christ was really Jesus. Well if they weren't sure, how could we ever be? 28:17

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