0 Jeremiah : Absurdity

Jeremiah : Absurdity (90)

  1. "The LORD put forth his hand, and touched my mouth. And the LORD said unto me, Behold, I have put my words in thy mouth."
    God puts words in Jeremiah's mouth. 1:9
  2. God plays a few silly "What do you see now?" games with Jeremiah. 1:11-13
  3. "Gird up thy loins." 1:17
  4. "I am so great, you are so full of shit, sayeth the Lord." (I'm paraphrasing here.) 2:1-19
  5. God gives Judah "a bill of divorce." 3:8
  6. "Circumcise the foreskin of your heart" or God will burn you to death. 4:4
  7. "My bowels, my bowels!" 4:19
  8. God tries to reform people by tormenting them and then wonders why it doesn't work. 5:3
  9. God says he won't starve all of his chosen people to death. He'll keep a few alive to torment later. 5:18
  10. "The prophets prophesy falsely." 5:31
  11. "Behold, their ear is uncircumcised." 6:10
  12. "They were not at all ashamed, neither could they blush: therefore they shall fall."
    Blush, dammit! Or God will have to kill you. 6:15
  13. "Gird thee with sackcloth, and wallow thyself in ashes." 6:26
  14. God is angered by children who gather wood, fathers who make fires, and women that make bread for the "queen of heaven" (Mary?) and other gods. 7:18
  15. "Put your burnt offerings unto your sacrifices, and eat flesh."
    Eat your own goddamned burnt offerings. I am sick of them, saith the Lord. 7:21
  16. "The LORD hath rejected and forsaken the generation of his wrath." 7:29
  17. Bring out your bones!
    "At that time, saith the LORD, they shall bring out the bones of the kings of Judah, and the bones of his princes, and the bones of the priests, and the bones of the prophets, and the bones of the inhabitants of Jerusalem, out of their graves: And they shall spread them before the sun." 8:1-2
  18. When they had committed abomination? nay, they were not at all ashamed, neither could they blush: therefore shall they fall among them that fall."
    When you commit an abomination, be sure to blush. Otherwise God will trip you and make you fall. 8:12
  19. "I will send serpents,cockatrices among you, which will not be charmed, and they shall bite you."
    A cockatrice is a serpent, hatched from a cock's egg, that can kill with a glance. They are rare nowadays. 8:17
  20. God will make Jerusalem an uninhabited "den of dragons." 9:11
  21. Don't just circumcise your penis. Circumcise you heart as well. 9:26
  22. "For the customs of the people are vain: for one cutteth a tree out of the forest ... with the axe. They deck it with silver and with gold." ( God hates Christmas trees.) 10:3-4
  23. "Thy name is great in might."
    Shoot! I thought it was Jealous. 10:6
  24. When God gets angry, the earth trembles. (That's what causes earthquakes.) 10:10
  25. Judah will become a desolate den of dragons. 10:22
  26. "O LORD of hosts ... that triest the reins and the heart"
    Jesus will search your kidneys 11:20
  27. God gives Jeremiah some divine instructions about a girdle. He tells him not to wash it, but to hide it in a rock. Jeremiah does as he's told. But, alas, when he goes to retrieve it, it was ruined. Darn! 13:1-7
  28. Apparently, the point of the girdle story (13:1-7) was to say that worshipping other gods "is good for nothing." 13:10
  29. "As the girdle cleaveth to the loins of a man, so have I caused to cleave unto me the whole house of Israel and the whole house of Judah, saith the LORD." 13:11
  30. God plans to expose Jerusalem's private parts to the world by lifting her skirt over her head, so to speak. He's seen her commit whoredoms and abominations and whatnot on the hills, and he's getting darned sick of it! 13:26-27
  31. The wild asses "snuffed up the wind like dragons." 14:6
  32. "The prophets prophesy lies" in God's name. 14:14
  33. God is weary of repenting. (It does get tiring after a while, doesn't it?) 15:6
  34. "I will this once cause them to know, I will cause them to know mine hand and my might; and they shall know that my name is The LORD." 16:21
  35. God tells us not to trust anyone, not even our family or friends, by saying: "Cursed be the man that trusteth in man." 17:5
  36. "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked."
    Everyone is a wicked liar. 17:9
  37. "I try the reins."
    Jesus will search your kidneys 17:10
  38. God is a bad potter. Don't complain about it. 18:1-6
  39. God admits that he does evil things to people once in a while. (Nobody's perfect.) 18:11
  40. "The virgin of Israel hath done a very horrible thing." (She fucked another god.) 18:13
  41. God will make the land desolate, "a perpetual hissing," so that "very one that passeth thereby shall be astonished, and wag his head." 18:16
  42. God will scatter the Israelites before their enemy. And then, on "the day of their calamity," he'll show them his backside instead of his face. 18:17
  43. Another pot prophecy: Jeremiah smashes a pot in front of people to show what God's going to do to them. 19:1-13
  44. God will do so much evil to the people that whoever hears of it will have their ears tingle. 19:3
  45. And the plagues of God's wrath will make everyone hiss. 19:7-9
  46. "O LORD, thou hast deceived me, and I was deceived." (God lied to Jeremiah!)20:7
  47. "O LORD of hosts, that ... seest the reins."
    Jesus will search your kidneys 20:12
  48. Jeremiah curses the day he was born. He even curses the man who told his father he was having a son. "Let him be as the cities which the Lord overthrew." (Let him be dead.) Because he didn't abort him when he had the chance. 20:14-17
  49. God himself will fight and kill everyone in fury "with an outstretched hand and with a strong arm." 21:5
  50. "All my bones shake; I am like a drunken man, and like a man whom wine hath overcome, because of the LORD, and because of the words of his holiness."
    Jeremiah is drunk on God's holiness. 23:9
  51. "The land is full of adulterers; for because of swearing the land mourneth; the pleasant places of the wilderness are dried up."
    The land dried up because of swearing adulterers. 23:10
  52. God's priest and prophets are profane, wicked, adulterous, lying sodomites. 23:11-14
  53. God damned lying prophets 23:25-40
  54. Two baskets of figs, some naughty and some nice 24:1-3
  55. God will force "all the kingdoms of the world" to drink "and be drunken." Then he'll kill "all the inhabitants of the earth" with a sword. 25:15-29
  56. God is really getting into all of this killing. He roars, he mightily roars, and shouts. He "pleads with all flesh" while an whirlwind roars and a noise can be heard everywhere on earth. 25:30-32
  57. God tells Jeremiah to make a yoke, put it on his neck, and show it off to a long list of kings. The yoke was supposed to demonstrate how God wants them all to serve Nebuchadrezzar, the king of Babylon. Only God could come up with a plan like that. 27:2-12
  58. "Hearken not to the words of your prophets that prophesy unto you." (The best advice in the book of Jeremiah!) 27:16
  59. "Then Hananiah the prophet took the yoke from off the prophet Jeremiah's neck, and brake it." 28:10
  60. Then God (if you are foolish enough to believe Jeremiah) steps in and settles the matter. He is going to force every nation on earth to serve Nebuchadnezzar, along with all of the animals. 28:12-14
  61. God enslaved entire nations and forced them to serve Nebuchadnezzar, "his servant". He even gave him all the wild animals and forced them to serve him. 27:6, 28:14
  62. Don't let your prophets deceive you. 29:7-8
  63. "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD."
    God knows what he's thinking. 29:11
  64. God will send his usual blessings upon his people: "the sword, the famine, and the pestilence." He "will make them like vile figs, that cannot be eaten, they are so evil." 29:17-18
  65. Jeremiah asks the important question: "Wherefore do I see every man with his hands on his loins." 30:6
  66. God's not sure if he's Ephraim's father, but his bowels are troubled by him. 31:20
  67. God told Jeremiah to bring the Rechabites to the house of the Lord and make them drink wine. So he got them to Lord's house, put pots of wine in front of them, and told them to start drinking. But they refused, since they were the descendants of Jonadab (the guy who showed off his "zeal for the Lord" by helping Jehu murder Ahab's family in Samaria), who told them never to drink wine, plant a garden, or live in a house. 35:1-7
  68. Someday God will populate Israel and Judah with the seed of men and beasts. 35:1-7
  69. It took thirty men to lift Jeremiah out of the dungeon. (He was a very big man.) 38:10
  70. "There came certain from Shechem, from Shiloh, and from Samaria, even fourscore men, having their beards shaven, and their clothes rent, and having cut themselves, with offerings and incense in their hand, to bring them to the house of the LORD." 41:5
  71. "I repent me of the evil that I have done unto you." (It's about time!) 42:10
  72. God swears by his own "great name" that no one from Judah will know his name anymore in Egypt. 44:26
  73. "O thou sword of the Lord, how long will it be ere thou be quiet?" Good question. Someone needs to take the sword away from the big guy. 47:6
  74. "Every head shall be bald, and every beard clipped: upon all the hands shall be cuttings, and upon the loins sackcloth." 48:37
  75. "Gird you with sackcloth; lament, and run to and fro by the hedges." 49:3
  76. "For I have sworn by myself, saith the LORD." 49:13
  77. "I have heard a rumour from the LORD." 49:14
  78. God will send such marvelous plagues on Edom that everyone will hiss in astonishment. 49:17
  79. "The city of praise ... The city of my joy!"
    The city of God's joy is not Jerusalem, Mecca, Rome, or Salt Lake City. It is Damascus. 49:25
  80. God will kill the young men of Damascus and set the city on fire. (Some Christians believe this prophecy is being fulfulled today in Syrian civil war.) 49:26-27
  81. Jeremiah predicts that humans will never again live in Hazor, but will be replaced by dragons. But people still live there and dragons have never been seen. 49:33
  82. "Every one that goeth by Babylon shall be astonished, and hiss at all her plagues." 50:13
  83. God, the pyromaniac, will personally set the fires that will burn to death the inhabitants of entire cities. 50:32
  84. "Babylon hath been a golden cup in the LORD's hand, that made all the earth drunken: the nations have drunken of her wine; therefore the nations are mad." 51:7
  85. God swears to himself. 22:5, 51:14
  86. "Behold, I am against thee, O destroying mountain, saith the LORD, which destroyest all the earth: and I will stretch out mine hand upon thee, and roll thee down from the rocks, and will make thee a burnt mountain." 51:25
  87. "Nebuchadrezzar ... hath swallowed me up like a dragon." 51:34
  88. "Babylon shall become heaps, a dwellingplace for dragons, an astonishment, and an hissing, without an inhabitant. They shall roar together like lions: they shall yell as lions' whelps." 51:37
  89. "I will make drunk her princes, and her wise men, her captains, and her rulers, and her mighty men: and they shall sleep a perpetual sleep, and not wake, saith the King, whose name is the LORD of hosts."
    God will force the Babylonians to get so drunk that they die from alcohol poisoning. 51:57
  90. Jeremiah gave a copy of the book he had written to Seraiah and told him to read it and then tie a rock to it and throw it in the river. 51:61-63

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