Noah was five hundred years old: and Noah begat Shem, Ham, and Japheth. 5:32
Trivia: Which of the following women told her husband to have sex with her slave girl: Sarah, Rachel, or Leah?
Noah was five hundred years old: and Noah begat Shem, Ham, and Japheth. 5:32
Trivia: Which of the following women told her husband to have sex with her slave girl: Sarah, Rachel, or Leah?
And Adam knew his wife; and she conceived. 4:1
This is the first sexual intercourse mentioned in the Bible.
And Cain knew his wife. 4:17
That's nice, but where the hell did she come from? The Bible doesn't mention any of Cain's sisters. Well, maybe he married his mom. In any case, Cain and the mysterious Mrs. Cain have a son (another blue cigar!). His name is Enoch and he builds a city (population 3).
And Adam knew his wife again; and she bare a son. 4:25
Way to go Adam!
The sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were fair; and they took them wives. 6:2
The sons of God came in unto the daughters of men" producing "the mighty men of old, men of renown. 6:2, 4
Noah ... drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent. 9:20-25
The "just and righteous" Noah (6:9, 7:1) plants a vineyard, gets drunk, and lies around naked in his tent. His son, Ham, happens to see his father in this condition. When Noah sobers up and hears "what his young son had done unto him" (what did he do besides look at him?), he curses not Ham, who "saw the nakedness of his father," but Ham's son, Canaan. "A servant of servants shall he [Canaan] be unto his brethren." This is a typical case of biblical justice, and is one of many Bible passages that have been used to justify slavery.
Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father. 9:22
Is that all that Ham did? Did he just see his father drunk and naked, or was there more to it than that?
See Strange Flesh: The Bible and Homosexuality and The Bible in Fewer Words: What did Ham do?
And Noah awoke from his wine, and knew what his younger son had done unto him. 9:24
What did Ham do? Some commentators say that Ham committed homosexual rape on his drunken father [or castrated him, or had sex with and impregnated Noah's wife (his mother)], and that this was why Ham's descendants were eternally punished with slavery.
And the woman was taken into Pharaoh's house. 12:15
Poor Pharaoh couldn't resist the "very fair" Sarai, and he takes her into his harem.
Go in unto my maid; it may be that I may obtain children by her ... And he went in unto Hagar, and she conceived. 16:2-4
Sarai is the first of a long line of barren women who were desperate for children. (In the Bible, it is the women who are barren, never the men.) She sends Abram into her handmaid, Hagar, so that she can "obtain children by her." Abram gladly complies.
This is my covenant ... every man child among you shall be circumcised. And ye shall circumcise the flesh of your foreskin. 17:10-11
God establishes his covenant with Abram: circumcision. It seems that penises are supremely important to God. But it is ignored by most Bible believers today.
Sarah laughed within herself, saying, After I am waxed old shall I have pleasure, my lord being old also? 18:11-14
Sarah, who is about 90 years old and has gone through menopause, laughs at God when he tells her that she will have a son. She asks God if she will "have pleasure" with her "Lord" [Abraham], when both are so very old. God assures her that he will return and impregnate her at the appointed time.
Every male in the city of Sodom wanted to have sex with Lot's two angel viisitors.
I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes. 19:7-8
Lot refuses to give up his angels to the perverted mob, offering his two "virgin daughters" instead. He tells the bunch of angel rapers to "do unto them [his daughters] as is good in your eyes." This is the same man that is called "just" and "righteous" in 2 Peter 2:7-8
The LORD rained upon Sodom and upon Gomorrah brimstone and fire from the LORD out of heaven. 19:24-25
God kills everyone in Sodom and Gomorrah. This was because, so say the Christian Right, some homosexuals lived there (See 19:4-5).
And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us ... let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father. 19:31-32
After God killed everyone in Sodom and Gomorrah, Lot and his daughters hung out in a cave, where the older daughter said to her sister, "Let's get dad drunk and have sex with him."
And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father. 19:33
I lay yesternight with my father: let us make him drink wine this night also; and go thou in, and lie with him ... And they made their father drink wine that night also: and the younger arose, and lay with him. 19:34-35
Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father. 19:36
Lot's daughters get their "just and righteous" father drunk, have sex with him, and each conceives and bears a son (wouldn't you know it!). Just another wholesome family values Bible story.
The LORD visited Sarah as he had said, and the LORD did unto Sarah as he had spoken. 21:1-2
And "Sarah conceived and bare Abraham a son." (God-assisted conceptions never result in daughters.)
Put, I pray thee, thy hand under my thigh: And ...swear by the LORD. 24:2-9
Abraham makes his servant put his hand under his thigh while swearing to God. Weird, of course.
But it's even weirder when you realize that "putting his hand under his thigh" is just a polite euphemism for "holding his testicles in his hand." Come to think of it, maybe it isn't so weird at all -- coming as it does from a god that is completely obsessed with male genitalia. (See Exodus 4:25, Leviticus 15:16-18, 32, and Deuteronomy 23:1) for just a few examples.) I guess it's sort of like swearing on the Bible.
And the servant put his hand under the thigh of Abraham his master, and sware. 24:9
And the damsel [Rebekah] was fair to look upon, a virgin, neither had any man known her. 24:16
A virgin. Oh boy!
Isaac was sporting with Rebekah. 26:8
Unfortunately the king "looked out a window, and saw, behold, Isaac was sporting with Rebekah his wife." But Isaac grew rich from the lie anyway, just as his father had.
Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife ... that I may go in unto her. 29:21
After Jacob finishes working for Laban for seven years, he asks Laban to give Rachel to him so he can have sex with here. (Marriages in the Bible are so romantic!)
Laban ... took Leah his daughter, and brought her to him; and he went in unto her. 29:22-23
Laban was supposed to give Jacob Rachel, but he gave him her older sister Leah instead. And Jacob went into her by mistake. (It happens.)
And he went in also unto Rachel, and he loved also Rachel more than Leah. 29:30
Jacob finally gets to "go in unto" Rachel. He loved Rachel more than Leah.
Give me children or else I die. 30:1-4
Rachel considers herself worthless if she can't produce children for her husband. But luckily she has an idea. She says to Jacob, "Behold my maid Bilhah, go in unto her." She solved the problem the same way as did Sarah (16:2). "And Jacob went in unto her. And Bilhah conceived, and bare Jacob a son." (These arrangements rarely produce daughters.)
"When Leah saw that she had left bearing, she took Zilpah her maid, and gave her Jacob to wife. And Zilpah Leah's maid bare Jacob a son." 30:9
Leah, not to be outdone, gives Jacob her maid (Zilpah) "to wife." And Zilpah "bare Jacob a son."
"Rachel said, Therefore he shall lie with thee to night for thy son's mandrakes." 30:15-16
Rachel trades her husband's favors for some mandrakes. Presumably God, by telling us this edifying story, is teaching us something about sexual ethics.
"And his soul clave unto Dinah the daughter of Jacob, and he loved the damsel, and spake kindly unto the damsel." 34:1-31
Dinah, the daughter of Jacob, is "defiled" by a man who seems to love her dearly. Her brothers trick all of the men of the town and kill them (after first having them all circumcised), and then take their wives and children captive.
"Reuben went and lay with Bilhah his father's concubine." 35:22
Jacob's oldest son, Reuben, had sex with his father's concubine, Bilhah.
"Judah saw there a daughter of a certain Canaanite, whose name was Shuah; and he took her, and went in unto her." 38:2-4
Judah has casual sex with a Canaanite woman which results in two sons, Er and Onan.
"Onan ...spilled it on the ground ... And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: wherefore he slew him also.38:8-10
After God killed Er, Judah tells Onan to "go in unto thy brother's wife." But "Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and ... when he went in unto his brother's wife ... he spilled it on the ground.... And the thing which he did displeased the Lord; wherefore he slew him also." This lovely Bible story is seldom read in Sunday School, but it is the basis of many Christian doctrines, including the condemnation of both masturbation and birth control.
"Let me come in unto thee." 38:13-18, 27-28
Tamar (the widow of Er and Onan, who were killed by God) dresses up as a prostitute and Judah (her father-in-law) propositions her, saying: "Let me come in unto thee .... And he ... came in unto her, and she conceived by him." From this incestuous union, twins (38:27-28) were born (both were boys of course). One of these was Pharez -- an ancestor of Jesus (Lk.3:33).
"His master's wife cast her eyes upon Joseph; and she said, Lie with me." 39:7-18
Joseph is seduced by Potiphar's wife. He rejects her advances, but she claims he "came in unto" her.
"Put, I pray thee, thy hand under my thigh." 47:29-31
Joseph swears by putting his hand under Jacob's thigh (a euphemism for holding his testicles in his hand).
See Genesis 24:2 where Abraham makes his servant put his hand under Abraham's thigh while swearing he won't let Isaac marry a Canaanite.
"Reuben ... thou shalt not excel; because thou wentest up to thy father's bed." 49:4
Reuben was Jacob's first son, so he would ordinarily inherit his father's stuff. But since Reuben had sex with his father Jacob's wife (or concubine) Bilhah, he won't. (see 35:22)
