Episode 103: Five Golden Hemorrhoids

(1 Samuel 5-7)

The fall of Dagon

5 ^1-2 The Philistines took the ark to Ashdod and set it next to their god Dagon.

³ The next morning Dagon had fallen on his face in front of the ark of the Lord. So they stood him back up again.

⁴ The same thing happened the next night, only this time his head and hands were cut off, leaving only a stump.

⁵ After that, no one ever entered the house of Dagon unto this day.

God smites the Philistines with hemorrhoids (in their secret parts)

⁶ After the Philistines moved the ark to Ashdod, God destroyed the inhabitants of Ashdod by smiting them with hemorrhoids.

⁸ The men of Ashdod gathered all the Philistine lords and said, "What shall we do with the ark?"

They answered, "Let's take it to Gath."

⁹ So they carried the ark to Gath. Then God smote everyone in Gath with hemorrhoids in their secret parts.

¹⁰ So they sent the ark to Ekron, and the people of Ekron cried out, saying,

Oh no! They've brought the ark to us, to kill our people.

¹¹ So they gathered all the Philistine lords together again and said,

Let's send the ark back to the Israelites.

Because God had caused a deadly destruction throughout the city.

¹² Those who survived were smitten with hemorrhoids.

And the cry of the city went up to heaven.

Five golden hemorrhoids

6 ¹ The ark was with the Philistines for seven months.

² They called for their priests and diviners, and asked them, "What should we do with the ark?"

³ The priests said, "If you send the ark away, don't send it empty. Include a trespass offering."

⁴ They asked, "What should the offering be?"

The priests answered,

Five golden hemorrhoids and five golden mice.

⁶ That will glorify the God of Israel and he'll stop messing with you and your gods.

⁷ Put the gold hemorrhoids and mice into a cart pulled by two cows and let the cart go.

⁸ If the cart goes to Bethshemesh, then it was God who gave us hemorrhoids in our secret parts. If not, then the hemorrhoids struck us by chance.

¹² That’s what they did, and the cart went straight to Bethshemesh!

So the Philistines knew for sure that it was God that plagued them with hemorrhoids.

¹³ When the people of Bethshemesh saw the ark, they rejoiced.

^15-18 They took the ark, gold hemorrhoids and mice, and put them on the great stone of Abel (where they remain to this day).

God kills 50,070 Israelites for looking into the ark

¹⁹ Some of the of the men of Bethshemesh looked into the ark of the Lord, so God killed 50,070 of them.

²¹ And they sent messengers to Kirjathjearim, saying,

The Philistines brought us the ark.

Why don't you come down and fetch it?

God helps the Israelites smite the Philistines

7 ¹ The men of Kirjathjearim fetched the ark and brought it to the house of Abinadab, where it stayed for twenty years.

³ Samuel said to everyone in Israel,

⁵ Come to Mizpeh, where I will pray for you.

⁶ So everyone came to Mizpeh.

⁷ When the Philistines heard that Israelites had gathered a Mizpeh, they prepared to attack, and the Israelites were afraid.

⁸ The people begged Samuel, saying,

Don't stop crying to God for us.

⁹ So Samuel killed and burned a baby lamb for God.

Samuel cried to God. And God heard him.

¹⁰ While Samuel roasted the lamb for God, the Philistines attacked. And God sent thunder to confuse them.

¹¹ Then the Israelites chased the Philistines and killed them.

¹² After the slaughter, Samuel wrote these words upon a stone that he called Ebenezer:

So far the Lord has helped us.

¹³ And the Philistines never again fought the Israelites during the lifetime of Samuel.