Jeremiah
Introduction

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30
31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40
41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50
51 52

Injustice
Cruelty and Violence
Intolerance
Absurdities
Contradictions
Prophecy
Family Values
Women
Language
Sex
Science and History
Interpretation
Good Stuff

Source Index
-Illustrations

Encyclopedia Articles
-Wikipedia
-Columbia Encyclopedia
-Catholic Encyclopedia

Other Versions
-Nevi'im
-NWT
-JST
-NRSV
-NIV
-Douay-Rheims
-NAB

By The Book Comics
-Let's play Bible Jeopardy!!!

Get the SAB
on CD

Absurdities in Jeremiah

  1. God gives Judah "a bill of divorce." 3:8

  2. Circumcise the foreskin of your heart or God will burn you to death. 4:4

  3. "Behold, their ear is uncircumcised." 6:10

  4. God is angered by children who gather wood, fathers who make fires, and women that make bread for the "queen of heaven" and other gods. 7:18

  5. "I will send serpents, cockatrices among you, which will not be charmed, and they shall bite you." A cockatrice is a serpent, hatched from a cock's egg, that can kill with a glance. They are rare nowadays. 8:17

  6. God will make Jerusalem "a den of dragons." 9:11

  7. Don't just circumcise your penis. Circumcise you heart as well. 9:26

  8. "For the customs of the people are vain: for one cutteth a tree out of the forest ... with the axe. They deck it with silver and with gold." ( God hates Christmas trees.) 10:3-4

  9. When God gets angry, the earth trembles. (That's what causes earthquakes.) 10:10

  10. Judah will become a desolate den of dragons. 10:22

  11. "O LORD of hosts ... that triest the reins and the heart"
    Jesus will search your kidneys 11:20

  12. God gives Jeremiah some divine instructions about a girdle. He tells him not to wash it, but to hide it in a rock. Jeremiah does as he's told. But, alas, when he goes to retrieve it, it was ruined. Darn! 13:1-7

  13. Apparently, the point of the girdle story (13:1-7) was to say that worshipping other gods "is good for nothing." 13:10

  14. God plans to expose Jerusalem's private parts to the world by lifting her skirt over her head, so to speak. He's seen her commit whoredoms and abominations and whatnot on the hills, and he's getting darned sick of it! 13:26-27

  15. The wild asses "snuffed up the wind like dragons." 14:6

  16. God is weary of repenting. (It does get tiring after a while, doesn't it?) 15:6

  17. God tells us not to trust anyone, not even our family or friends, by saying: "Cursed be the man that trusteth in man." 17:5

  18. "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked."
    Everyone is a wicked liar. 17:9

  19. "I try the reins."
    Jesus will search your kidneys 17:10

  20. God admits that he does evil things to people once in a while. (Nobody's perfect.) 18:11

  21. God will make the land desolate, "a perpetual hissing," so that "very one that passeth thereby shall be astonished, and wag his head." 18:16

  22. God will scatter the Israelites before their enemy. And then, on "the day of their calamity," he'll show them his backside instead of his face. 18:17

  23. God says he will do so much evil to the people that whoever hears of it will have their ears tingle. 19:3

  24. And the plagues of God's wrath will make everyone hiss. 19:7-9

  25. "O LORD of hosts, that ... seest the reins."
    Jesus will search your kidneys 20:12

  26. God himself will fight and kill everyone in fury "with an outstretched hand and with a strong arm." 21:5

  27. God swears to himself. 22:5, 49:13, 51:14

  28. "The other basket had very naughty figs, which could not be eaten, they were so bad." God hates figs, at least the "very naughty" kind. 24:2-3

  29. God is really getting into all of this killing. He roars, he mightily roars, and he shouts. 25:30

  30. God enslaved entire nations and forced them to serve Nebuchadnezzar, "his servant". He even gave him all the wild animals and forced them to serve him. 27:6, 28:14

  31. God will send his usual blessings upon his people: "the sword, the famine, and the pestilence." He "will make them like vile figs, that cannot be eaten, they are so evil." (God hates figs.) 29:17-18

  32. There will come a time when all men will have the pains of childbirth. 30:6

  33. Baruch read the words of Jeremiah and all of the people heard him. (He had a very loud voice.) 36:10

  34. It took thirty men to lift Jeremiah out of the dungeon. (He was a very big man.) 38:10

  35. "I repent me of the evil that I have done unto you." (It's about time!) 42:10

  36. "O thou sword of the Lord, how long will it be ere thou be quiet?" Good question. Someone needs to take the sword away from the big guy. 47:6

  37. God will send such marvelous plagues on Edom that everyone will hiss in astonishment. 49:17

  38. Jeremiah predicts that humans will never again live in Hazor, but will be replaced by dragons. But people still live there and dragons have never been seen. 49:33

  39. Jeremiah gave a copy of the book he had written to Seraiah and told him to read it and then tie a rock to it and throw it in the river. 51:61-63