To reward the Hebrew midwifes for lying to the Pharaoh, God built them houses 1:21
The birth story of Moses is suspiciously similar to that of the birth of Sargon, an
Akkadian monarch from the 3rd millennium BCE.
(BBC: The tale of the
The king of Egypt died, and the Israelites cried out to God. "God heard their groaning" and remembered the
deal he'd made with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. 2:23-24
God, disguised as a burning bush, has a long heart-to-heart talk with Moses. 3:4 - 4:17
God shows Moses some tricks that he says are sure to impress. First, throw your rod on the
ground; it will become a snake. Then grab the snake by the tail and it will become a rod again. Next,
make your hand appear leprous, and then cure it. And finally, pour water on the
ground and it will turn into blood. (That ought to do it!) 4:2-9
God decides to kill Moses because his son had not yet been circumcised. Luckily for
Moses, his Egyptian wife Zipporah "took a sharp stone, and cut off the foreskin of her son,
and cast it at his feet, and said, Surely a bloody husband art thou to me. So he [God] let him
go." This story shows the importance of penises to God, and his hatred of foreskins.
Moses and Aaron ask the Pharaoh to let all the Israelites go into the desert to pray for three days, or else God
will kill them all "with pestilence, or with the sword." 5:3
God says that Abraham didn't know that his name was Jehovah. Yet in Genesis 22:14 Abraham names the
place where he nearly kills Isaac after God's name, Jehovah. 6:3
Lehi, Kohath, and Amram join the long
list of biblical characters with ridiculously long lives (137, 133, and 137 years, respectively).
6:16, 18, 20
In complaining about his difficulty with public speaking, Moses says,
"Behold I am of uncircumcised lips."Â 6:12, 6:30
God made Moses a god to Pharaoh, with Aaron as his prophet. 7:1
God tells Moses and Aaron that when Pharaoh asks for a miracle just throw your rod down and it will become a serpent.
So when the time comes, Moses throws down his rod and it becomes a serpent. But the Egyptian magicians duplicate this trick.
Luckily, for Aaron, his snake swallows theirs. (Whew!) 7:9-13
After the rod to serpent trick, God tells Moses and Aaron to smite the river and turn it into blood. This is the first of the
famous 10 plagues of Egypt. Unfortunately, the magicians know this trick too, and they do so with their enchantments. Shucks!
Just how the river could be turned to blood by the Egyptian sorcerers after it had been turned to blood by Moses and Aaron is not
The second plague is frogs. Frogs covered the land. They were all over the beds and filled the ovens. But the Egyptian
magicians did this trick too. (Did they wait until the frogs cleared out from the last performance before doing it again?) After the
frog making contest was declared a draw, all the frogs died and "they gathered them together upon heaps; and the land stank." I
bet. But at least it was all for the greater glory of God. 8:2-7
Plague #3 is lice in man and beast. This is the first trick that the magicians couldn't do. After this the magicians were
convinced that Moses and Aaron's plagues were done by "the finger of God," and they gave up trying to match the remaining
seven plagues. I guess lice are harder to make than frogs. 8:17-19
The fourth plague is swarms of flies, continuing the frogs and lice theme. 8:21
The Pharaoh let Moses make sacrifices to God, so God removed every last fly from Egypt. 8:31
The fifth plague: all cattle in Egypt die. But a
little later (9:19-20, 12:29), God
kills them again a couple more times. 9:6
The sixth plague: boils and blains upon man and beast.9:9-12
Why does God send plagues? So that people can get to know him better. 9:14
God made the Pharaoh king so that God could show off his power. 9:16
The seventh plague is hail. "And the hail smote throughout the land of Egypt all that was in the field, both man and
God killed Egyptians and their livestock by smashing them with huge hailstones mixed with fire. 9:24
God wants to be remembered forever for the mass murder of little children. 10:2
Eighth plague: locusts that are so thick that they "covered the face of the whole earth." (Even over Antarctica?)
Ninth plague: three days of darkness. The darkness was so this that the Egyptians couldn't even see each other. But the
darkness knew how to avoid the Israelites, and so "all the children of Israel had light
in their dwellings." 10:21-23
God tells the Israelites to smear some blood on their doors. That way when he's going around killing Egyptian
children, he'll remember not to kill their children too. He probably said to himself when he saw the blood, "Oh yeah, I
remember now. I not supposed to kill the children in this house." 12:7, 13
Wear the commandments on your hand and between your eyes. 13:9,
God travels in a cloud by day and a fire by night. 13:21
"And the pillar of the cloud went from before their face,
and stood behind them." 14:19
"It was a cloud and darkness to them, but it gave light by night to these."
God's special cloud was a cloud of darkness to the Egyptians, but a cloud of light to the Hebrews. 14:20
The Egyptians chased after the Israelites with "all Pharaoh's horses." But according to 9:3-6 there wouldn't
have been any horses, since God killed them all in "a very grievous murrain." 14:23
"The Lord ... took off their chariot wheels."
God (the devious mechanic) personally removed the wheels from the Egyptian chariots. 14:25
God divided the sea with a "blast of [his] nostrils." 15:8
Moses casts a tree into the water and makes the bitter water taste sweet. 15:25
God appears to the Israelites and speaks from a cloud promising to send lots of food (quails and mana) from the sky.
It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time,
would have taken no more than a few weeks. 16:35
God stands on a rock and tells Moses to hit the rock. Then water comes out of it for the people
to drink. God's such a clever guy! 17:6
As long as Moses the magician keeps his hand up, the Israelites are successful in battle, but the second his hand falls,
they start getting beat. So when Moses' arm gets tired, Aaron props it up so that the Amalekites get slaughtered.
"The Lord has sworn [God swears!] that the Lord will have war with Amalek from generation to generation." So God
is still fighting Amalek. I hope Moses can still keep his hand up. 17:14-16
"Moses went up unto God, and the LORD called unto him out of the
mountain." So God is a talking mountain? 19:3
God's got it all planned out. He will cover himself with a cloud, so that the people can hear him speak, so they'll believe whatever the hell
Moses tells them forever. 19:9
God tells Moses to get ready for the third day, when he'll come down the mountain and stand in front of all the people. (Never happened.)
A magical trumpet played loud while God came down in smoke, fire, and earthquakes onto Mt. Sinai. 19:16-18
Like the great and powerful Wizard of Oz, nobody can see God and live. 19:21
God spake all these words
"These words" are generally considered to be The Ten Commandments. But the text doesn't call this un-numbered list
"The Ten Commandments"; it only says that "these words" were
spoken by God. (See Exodus 34:28 where the
phrase "Ten Commandments" is actually used.) 20:1
"Thou shalt not make ... any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath,
or that is in the water under the earth."
(No drawing, painting, photography, sculptures, pottery, etc.) 20:4
God tells the priests not to go up the steps to the altar "that thy nakedness not be discovered thereon." (Skirts on
stairs are a problem.) 20:26
If an ox gores someone, "then the ox shall surely be stoned."
If an ox gores someone due to the negligence of its owner,
then "the ox shall be stoned, and his owner shall be put to death.".
"Thou shalt not seethe a kid in a kid in his mother's milk." 23:19
God will send an angel to help his people. If they obey him, God will be an enemy to their enemies, cutting them all off.
Serve God and you'll never get sick, be hungry, thirsty, or barren. 23:25-26
Aaron must wear a bell whenever he enters "the holy place" or God will kill him. 28:34-35
God gives instructions for making priestly breeches. "And thou shalt make them linen breeches to cover their nakedness;
from the loins even unto the thighs shall they reach." 28:42
Priest must wear holy breeches or die!
"They shall be upon Aaron, and upon his sons, when they come in unto the tabernacle ... or ... die." 28:43
God instructs the priests to burn the dung of bullocks outside the camp as a sin offering. 29:14
God tells Moses to kill a ram and put the blood on the tip of Aaron's right ear, and on his right thumb, and on his right
big toe, and then sprinkle the blood around the altar. Finally, sprinkle some on Aaron and his sons and on their garments. This
will make them "hallowed." 29:20-21
God tells Aaron and his sons to take the rump, fat, caul, kidneys, and right shoulder of the ram and add a loaf of bread
or two, and a wafer of unleavened bread. Then they put the whole mess in the hands of Aaron and his sons and they wave them
before the Lord. This is a wave offering. 29:22-24
Wash up or die. This is a good verse to use when reminding the kiddies to wash their hands before supper.
"Moreover the LORD spake unto Moses, saying, Take thou also unto thee principal spices, of pure myrrh five hundred shekels,
and of sweet cinnamon half so much, even two hundred and fifty shekels ... And thou shalt speak unto the children of Israel, saying,
This shall be an holy anointing oil unto me throughout your generations. Upon man's flesh shall it not be poured."
Whoever puts holy oil on a stranger shall be "cut off from his people." 30:33
And whoever uses God's favorite perfume will be exiled. 30:37-38
Aaron makes a golden calf and tells the people to take off their clothes and dance around naked. God then
punishes them mercilessly for following their divinely appointed religious leader. Ex.32:1-35
Moses talks God out of killing all the Israelites. 32:11-13
"And the Lord repented of the evil which he though to do unto his people." But how could a good God even consider doing
evil to anyone? 32:14
"I cast it into the fire, and there came out this calf."
Aaron just threw the gold earrings into the fire and (Presto!) out came a golden calf! 32:24
Aaron makes the people take off all their clothes and dance naked around his golden calf.
After God killed some more Israelites in a plague
(God's 15th Killing
), he promised to lead them to a land flowing with milk and honey. He said he'd send an angel to drive out (kill?) all
the current inhabitants of the land. But God said he wouldn't be going along, saying that if he did, he'd end up killing
all of the Israelites for being so goddamned "stiffnecked." 33:1-3
When the people heard God's promise/threat, they mourned and took off their ornaments. Which was a good thing, too,
since God said he'd kill them all on the spot if he saw any ornaments on them. (God hates ornaments.) 33:4-6
"As Moses entered into the tabernacle, the cloudy pillar descended, and stood at the door of the tabernacle, and the Lord talked with Moses."
Although God is too shy to let Moses see his face, he does permit a peek at his "back parts." (The divine mooning)
God, "whose name is Jealous", will not tolerate the worship of any other god. 34:14
One of the commandments of God is "Thou shalt not seeth a kid in its mother's milk." 34:26
Moses goes without food or water for 40 days and 40 nights. 34:28
After meeting God on mount Sinai, Moses had to cover his face with a veil to avoid frightening the
A group of Hebrew slaves carried 1000 kg of gold, 3500 kg of silver, and 2450 kg of brass with them as they
traveled through the wilderness. (And this was after they used all their gold to make a goldent calf.)
This amount of gold and silver would be worth more than $40 million US dollars today.38:24-25, 29
The Israelite population went from 70 (or 75) to several million in a few hundred years. 1:5,7,