0 2. The Cow : Absurdity

As for him who disbelieveth, I shall leave him in contentment for a while, then I shall compel him to the doom of Fire 2:126

Trivia: What fuel does Allah use to burn disbelievers?

2. The Cow : Absurdity (44)

  1. "Alif. Lam. Mim."
    Many surahs start with three Arabic letters. No one knows why. But I have a theory. The mysterious letters (Alif. Lam. Mim.) are the Quranic equivalent of WTF. 2:1
  2. "This is the Scripture whereof there is no doubt, a guidance unto those who ward off (evil)." There is no doubt about this or any other "Scripture". It is false. It wasn't revealed by God and it won't "ward off evil." 2:2
  3. Those who believe in the unseen things revealed by Muhammad and who are absolutely certain they will survive their own death are the successful people. You know, the Muslims. 2:3-5
  4. "Shall we believe as the foolish believe?"
    According to the Quran, the answer is, yes. To be truly wise you must believe whatever the foolish believe. 2:13
  5. Allah especially dislikes people who pretend to believe when they're around Muslims, and then disbelieve when they hang out with devils. 2:14
  6. "If Allah willed, He could destroy their hearing and their sight. Lo! Allah is able to do all things." 2:20
  7. "And if ye are in doubt ... then produce a surah of the like thereof."
    If you doubt that the truth of the Quran, then try making some stuff up and see how it compares. (Whatever you come up with will be better than the Quran.) 2:23
  8. Allah created seven heavens. 2:29
  9. And He taught Adam all the names."
    Allah taught Adam all the names of the plants and animals, which must have taken a while since there are 1.7 million species that are known today, with probably another 10 million or so that are yet to be discovered. And this only includes those that are alive today. If extinct species are included (~99%), then Allah must have taught Adam a billion or so names. 2:31a
  10. Then Allah showed all the animals to the angels, challenging them to guess their names (if they are truthful). 2:31b
  11. But the angels weren't truthful enough to guess correctly. 2:32
  12. Then Allah tells Adam to tell the angels the animals' names. So Adam tells them and says, "I know something you guys don't! Neener-Neener-Neener!" 2:33
  13. Allah commands the angels to worship Adam. They all do, except for Iblis, who becomes a disbeliever. 2:34
  14. After the people worshipped a calf, Moses told them to kill themselves. That, he said, would be best for them. 2:54
  15. Allah struck Moses with lightning and then revived him just so that Moses would thank him for it! 2:55-56
  16. As you read the Quran you'll notice that many of the Bible's stupidest stories are made even stupider in the Quran. Take Exodus 17:1-6 for example. In the Bible, Moses strikes a rock and water comes out for the Israelites to drink. In the Quran, the same thing happens but there are twelve springs that come out of the rock, one for each tribe of Israel. 2:60
  17. Allah turned Sabbath-breaking Jews into apes to be despised and hated. All modern Jews are descendants of apes (or all modern apes are descendants of Sabbath-breaking Jews). 2:65-66
  18. "Allah told the Jews to sacrifice a bright yellow cow. 2:67-69
  19. But they weren't sure what cow to kill. All cows pretty much look alike to Jews. 2:67-69
  20. Somehow they worked it all out, though, and killed a yellow cow. 2:71
  21. A man was murdered about the same time that the yellow cow was killed. Nobody knew who the murderer was. So Allah told the people to smite the dead man with a piece of the dead cow. When they did that, the dead man came to life and told everyone who had murdered him. (I hope I got that right.)2:72-3
  22. There are rocks which fall down for the fear of Allah."
    Are there rocks that fall down laughing at the stupid things Allah says in the Quran? 2:74
  23. "Little is that which they believe."
    At least Allah got that right. There is little in the Quran that is worthy of belief. 2:88
  24. Their hearts are all alike (they suck). Allah's revelations are clear to those that already believe that Allah's revelations are clear. 2:118b
  25. Pay no attention to the know-nothings that ask Allah for a sign. (Or ask him to say something good, kind, decent, or reasonable in the Quran.) 2:118a
  26. "We take our colour from Allah, and who is better than Allah at colouring."
    Muslims were colored by God. "Who is better than Allah at coloring?"
    I give up. Who is better at coloring than Allah? 2:138
  27. Allah guides whoever the hell he wants on a straight path. And once in a while he changes the direction of the path for no reason whatsoever. 2:142
  28. Allah changes the holy direction. Originally Muslims prayed toward Jerusalem. But then, for no apparent reason, Allah told Muhammad to start praying toward a black cube-shaped building in Mecca (the Kaaba). The Kaaba, according to Islamic tradition, was the first building on earth. Built by Adam and re-built later by Abraham and Ishmael, the Kaaba is the direction that all Muslims pray toward five times day, and is the holy site that all Muslims are supposed to visit once in their lifetime. 2:143-4
  29. "Those who disbelieve [are] Deaf, dumb, blind, therefore they have no sense." 2:171
  30. "There is life for you in retaliation ... that ye may ward off (evil)."
    There is life for you in Allah's magic retaliation. It helps to ward off evil. (It works like a rabbit's foot or something.) 2:179
  31. The Quran provides clear guidance on all aspects of morality. 2:185
  32. "Beautified is the life of the world for those who disbelieve; they make a jest of the believers."
    Yes life is beautiful to us unbelievers and we like to laugh at believers! 2:212
  33. Drinking and gambling are sinful, but useful. Allah isn't sure, but he figures their sinfulness is probably greater than their usefulness. Just try not to spend too much on either. 2:219a
  34. If you're wondering how much is too much to spend on drinking and gambling, Allah has the answer for you. Only drink or gamble away what is superfluous. Allah is Mighty, Wise, Helpful. 2:219b
  35. Next Allah gets down to the really important things in life. Things we all wonder about from time to time. Like should I marry a few idolatresses? Is an Islamic concubine better than a really hot Christian woman? Should I refuse to give my daughter to a Jewish man until he becomes a Muslim? And who should I invite to the Fire anyway? 2:221
  36. After your divorced wives have reached the end of their 3 month waiting period, you can take them or leave them. Just don't make Allah a laughing-stock. 2:231
  37. When a man dies, his wives can't have sex for four months and ten days. After that, if they're not pregnant, it's no sin for the dead man if his wives have sex again. 2:234
  38. Allah told thousands of soldiers to die. Then after they died, Allah brought them back to life. 2:243
  39. Allah asks for a loan, promising to pay us back with interest. Allah straightens and enlarges whatever is bent or small. 2:245
  40. Then Allah starts with the Bible stories. And, as usual, he gets them all wrong. First he has angels carrying the ark. 2:247
  41. Allah confuses Saul with Gideon when telling the stupid dog-lapping story of Judges 7:5-7. 2:249
  42. Abraham argues with a disbeliever by saying, "God makes the sun rise in the east. Make it rise in the west." Which totally abashed the disbeliever. But the disbeliever should have said, "I make the sun rise in the east. Ask Allah to make it rise in the west." That would have abashed Abraham and Allah. 2:258
  43. Allah makes a man "die" for 100 years, and then brings him back to life. 2:259
  44. To show how he gives life to the dead, Allah tells Abraham to cut up the bodies of four birds, scatter their remains on four hills, and then call to them. Allah says that the dead birds will come quickly to Abraham. 2:260

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