0 1 Machabees : Absurdity

The virgins and the young men were made feeble, and the beauty of the women was changed. 1:27

Trivia: Who tried to uncircumcise themselves?

1 Machabees : Absurdity (32)

  1. Alexander, the son of Philip, killed every king on earth. He and his army went to the end of the earth conquering ever nation. 1:1
  2. They made themselves prepuces. (The Jews were embarrassed by their circumcised penises, so they tried to undo them by making and attaching foreskins). 1:16
  3. When Antiochus attacked Jerusalem, everyone mourned and the women became less attractive. 1:27
  4. Mathathias and his sons tore their clothes, and covered themselves in haircloth. 2:14
  5. They circumcised all the uncircumcised children they could find in Israel. 2:46
  6. They yielded not the horn to the sinner. 2:48
  7. Was not Abraham found faithful in temptation? 2:52
  8. David by his mercy obtained the throne of an everlasting kingdom. 2:57
  9. Everyone knew about Judas Maccabees everywhere on earth. 3:8
  10. When Judas and his small army went to meet him, they said to him, "How are our few soldiers going to beat so large an army?" Judas said, "God is on our side, so the numbers don't matter. The Lord himself will overthrow them." 3:16-1
  11. They fasted ... put on haircloth, and put ashes upon their heads: and they rent their garments. 3:47
  12. Judas and his 3000 men had no swords (v.6), but after blowing a trumpet (v.13), they killed 3000 Gentiles with their swords (v.15). 4:6
  13. They tore their clothes, put ashes on their heads, and fell on their faces. 4:39
  14. And all the people fell upon their faces. 4:55
  15. The surrounding nations were angry heard that the Jews had rebuilt the sanctuary and altar. So they began to persecute and kill the Jews. 5:1
  16. Judas's army looked up and saw "people without number" preparing to attack. So they sounded their trumpets and cried out in prayer, which scared Timotheus's army, who fled away in terror as Judas's men killed "almost eight thousand." 5:30-34
  17. Timotheus said to his army: "if Judas comes near the torrent of water, he'll will win. But if Judas is afraid to come near, we'll win." Judas wasn't afraid to come near the torrent of water, so he won. 5:40-42

  18. When Joseph and Azarias heard about the Maccabees brothers' killings, they said, "Let's become famous by killing some of our Gentile neighbors." 5:56-57

  19. Joseph and Azarias went go Jamnia to fight Gorgias and his men. About 2000 of their soldiers died, because Joseph and Azarias didn't hearken to Judas, and "were not of the seed of those men by whom salvation was brought to Israel." 5:58-62

  20. While he was in Persia, Antiochus was told that Lysias had been defeated by the Jews. And that the abomination that had been set up in the temple in Jerusalem had been thrown down. After hearing these things, King Antiochus fell sick from fear, and was afraid he was going to die. Then he died. 6:5-16

  21. They showed the elephants the blood of grapes and mulberries to provoke them to fight. 6:34

  22. One thousand men and five hundred horsemen were with each elephant. 6:35

  23. And on each elephant were engine-bearing towers with 32 men in each one, with an Indian to control the elephant. 6:37

  24. Judas's brother Eleazar thought he saw the king on the biggest elephant. So he decided to make a name for himself by attacking it. He ran up and began killing the king's men on his right and his left. Then he went under the elephant and killed it. It fell on him and killed him too. 6:43-46

  25. The priests went to the temple and said while weeping, "Remember their blasphemies and kill Nicanor and his army." 7:36-38
  26. Judas gathered an army of 3000. Then he prayed, saying: "Remember when your angel killed 185,000 soldiers?" 7:40-42
  27. The armies joined battle, Nicanor's army was defeated, and Nicanor himself was the first to die. When his army saw that he was killed, they threw down their weapons and fled. 7:43-43

  28. Judas heard about the Romans and their noble acts. 8:1-3

  29. There was no envy or jealousy among them. 8:18

  30. Jonathan and those who were with him jumped into the river, swam to the other side, and killed 1000 of Bacchides's soldiers. 9:48-49

  31. The Jews killed 100,000 men in one day, took whatever they could find, burned the city of Antioch. 11:47-48

  32. Jonathan tore his clothes, put dirt on his head, and prayed. 11:71

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