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What the Bible says about Hemorrhoids

If you disobey the Old Testament's laws, God will give you hemorrhoids (along with other nasty things).

The LORD will smite thee with the botch of Egypt, and with the emerods, and with the scab, and with the itch, whereof thou canst not be healed. -- Deuteronomy 28:27

God smote an entire city (Asdod) with "emerods [hemorrhoids] in their secret parts."

the hand of the LORD was against the city with a very great destruction: and he smote the men of the city, both small and great, and they had emerods in their secret parts. -- 1 Samuel 5:6-7

And the men that died not were smitten with the emerods: and the cry of the city went up to heaven. 1 Samuel 5:12

Then he ordered the same city to make him five golden hemorrhoids (and five golden mice) as a "trespass offering."

What shall be the trespass offering which we shall return to him? They answered, Five golden emerods, and five golden mice ... Wherefore ye shall make images of your emerods, and images of your mice that mar the land; and ye shall give glory unto the God of Israel: peradventure he will lighten his hand from off you, and from off your gods. -- 1 Samuel 6:4-5

Slate Blogs the Bible by David Plotz
Hemorrhoids of the Lost Ark
Revised 2nd Edition

With killings from the Apocrypha