2 Samuel
Highlights

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24


Absurdities
Cruelty and Violence
Injustice
Contradictions
Family Values
Women
Sex
Science and History
Interpretation
Intolerance
Prophecy
Language
Boring Stuff
Good Stuff
Homosexuality
Dwindling in Unbelief
-2 Samuel

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SAB: 2 Samuel

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2 Samuel: Cruelty and Violence

  1. David tells one of his "young men" to kill the Amalekite messenger who claimed to have mercifully killed Saul at Saul's own request. 1:15

  2. Joab and Abner watch as the young men "play" a cruel game. "And they caught every one his fellow by the head, and thrust his sword in his fellow side, so they fell down together." 2:14

  3. Abner smites Asahel "under the fifth rib." (It seems that in 2 Samuel this is the preferred place to get smitten. 3:27, 4:6, 20:10) 2:23

  4. When Joab (David's captain) kills Abner (by smiting him under the fifth rib of course), David says that he and his kingdom are not responsible. The blame, he says, lays with Joab. So David curses Joab, his family, and their descendants forever. Let them all be plagued with venereal diseases and leprosy, starve to death, commit suicide, or lean on staves. (The Revised Standard Version translates "leaneth on a staff" as "holds a spindle," apparently meaning effeminate -- real men don't spin or weave.) 3:27-29

  5. Some of David's men kill Saul's son (by smiting him under the fifth rib, of course) and bring his head to David, thinking that he'll be pleased. But he wasn't. David has the assassins killed, their hands and feet chopped off, and their bodies hung up (for decorations?) over the pool in Hebron. 4:6-7

  6. Whoever kills the lame and the blind will be David's "chief and captain." 5:8

  7. "David ... grew great, and the LORD God of hosts was with him." 5:10

  8. David asks God if he should kill some more Philistines. God says yes, and he'll even help. So David and God "smote the Philistines" again. 5:19

  9. "David smote them there, and said, The LORD hath broken forth upon mine enemies before me."
    God helps David slaughter his enemies. 5:20

  10. "When thou hearest the sound of a going in the tops of the mulberry trees ... then shall the LORD go out before thee, to smite the host of the Philistines." 5:24

  11. "And David did so, as the LORD had commanded him; and smote the Philistines." 5:25

  12. Uzzah tries to keep the ark from falling off the cart, and God kills him for it. I guess it was God's way of saying Thanks. 6:6-7

  13. "I was with thee whithersoever thou wentest, and have cut off all thine enemies out of thy sight."
    God was with David wherever he went and killed all of his enemies for him. 7:9

  14. David kills two thirds of the Moabites and makes the rest slaves. He also cripples the captured horses. 8:2-4

  15. "David slew of the Syrians two and twenty thousand men ... and the Lord preserved David withersoever he went." 8:5-6, 14

  16. "David gat him a name when he returned from smiting of the Syrians in the valley of salt, being eighteen thousand men ... And the LORD preserved David whithersoever he went." 8:13-14

  17. David tells Joab (his captain) to send Bathsheba's husband (Uriah) to "the forefront of the hottest battle ... that he may be smitten and die." In this way, David gets another wife. 11:15, 11:17-27

  18. To punish David for having Uriah killed, God kills Bathsheba's baby boy. 12:14-18

  19. "He ... put them under saws, and under harrows of iron, and under axes of iron, and made them pass through the brick-kiln."
    David tortured or enslaved (depending on translation) all the inhabitants of several cities. 12:31

  20. Absalom has his servants kill his brother for raping his sister. (This chapter, which includes incest, rape, murder, should be rated NC-17.) 13:28-29

  21. "There was there a great slaughter that day of twenty thousand men ... and the wood devoured more people that day than the sword devoured."
    It must have been a really spooky forest to have devoured more than 20,000 men! 18:7-8

  22. Poor Absalom gets his head caught in an oak tree, and before he can get free, Joab thrusts three darts through his heart. 18:14

  23. "Then said Ahimaaz ... Let me now run, and bear the king tidings, how that the LORD hath avenged him of his enemies." (See 2 Samuel 17:14) 18:19

  24. Amasa is viciously slaughtered by Joab, who "shed out his bowels to the ground ... And Amasa wallowed in blood in the midst of the highway." 20:10, 12

  25. "Then cried a wise woman out of the city ... Behold, his head shall be thrown to thee over the wall ... And they cut off the head of Sheba ... and cast it out to Joab." 20:16-22

  26. A famine is sent on David's kingdom for three years. When David asks God why, God answers: "It is for Saul, and his bloody house, because he slew the Gibeonites. "So God sent a famine to punish a kingdom for something that a former king had done. 21:1

  27. To appease God and end the famine that was caused by his predecessor (Saul), David agrees to have two of Saul's sons and five of his grandsons killed and hung up "unto the Lord." 21:6-9

  28. "They hanged them in the hill before the LORD." 21:9

  29. "They gathered the bones of them that were hanged ... And after that God was intreated for the land."
    God stopped the famine after Saul's two sons and five grandsons were killed and hung up for him. 21:13-14

  30. "He teacheth my hands to war."
    Might as well learn from an expert. 22:35

  31. "I have pursued mine enemies, and destroyed them; and turned not again until I had consumed them. And I have consumed them, and wounded them, that they could not arise: yea, they are fallen under my feet." 22:38-39

  32. "Thou hast also given me the necks of mine enemies, that I might destroy them that hate me." 22:41

  33. "They looked, but there was none to save; even unto the LORD, but he answered them not." 22:42

  34. "I beat them as small as the dust of the earth, I did stamp them as the mire of the street." 22:43

  35. "It is God that avengeth me, and that bringeth down the people under me. And that bringeth me forth from mine enemies: thou also hast lifted me up on high above them that rose up against me." 22:48-49

  36. "And the LORD wrought a great victory that day; and the people returned after him only to spoil." 23:10-12

  37. The chief of David's captains killed with his own spear 800 guys at one time. 23:8

  38. "Eleazar the son of Dodo ... smote the Philistines until his hand was weary, and his hand clave unto the sword: and the LORD wrought a great victory that day." 23:9-10

  39. "Shammah the son of Agee ... slew the Philistines: and the LORD wrought a great victory." 23:11-12

  40. "Abishai ... lifted up his spear against three hundred, and slew them." 23:18

  41. "Benaiah the son of Jehoiada ... slew two lionlike men of Moab: he went down also and slew a lion in the midst of a pit in time of snow. And he slew an Egyptian, a goodly man: and the Egyptian had a spear in his hand." 23:20-21

  42. God offers David a choice of punishments for having conducted the census: 1) seven years of famine (1 Chr 21:12 says three years), 2) three months fleeing from enemies, or 3) three days of pestilence. David can't decide, so God chooses for him and sends a pestilence, killing 70,000 men (and probably around 200,000 women and children). 24:13


Response's to the Skeptics Annotated Bible Cruelty Short List -1 and 2 Samuel