David called one of the young men, and said, Go near, and fall upon him. And he smote him that he died. And David said unto him, Thy blood be upon thy head. 1:15
Trivia: How long did David and Bathsheba's first baby live after God made the child sick?
The Bible in Fewer Words - 2 Samuel (14)
Absurdity (54)
Injustice (44)
Cruelty & Violence (42)
Contradictions (32)
Family Values (21)
Women (16)
Sex (9)
Science (8)
Interpretation (5)
Intolerance (3)
Homosexuality (2)
Boring stuff (1)
Prophecy and Misquotes (1)
The Second Book of Samuel
1 David kills the messenger (a kind Amalekite) (1-16)
The song of the bow (and the love of Jonathan) (17-27)
2 David becomes king of Judah (1-7)
Ishbosheth becomes king of Israel (8-11)
The young men "play" before Abner and Joab (12-16)
Squabbles between Judah and Israel (17-32)
3 David impregnates six women (1-5)
Abner revolts against Ishbosheth (6-11)
David steals Michal from her husband (12-16)
Joab kills Abner (17-39)
4 Baanah and Rechab kill Ishbosheth (1-6)
Ishbosheth's head is brought to David (7-8)
David kills Rechab and Baanah, cuts off their hands and feet, and hangs their bodies over the pool (9-12)
5 David becomes king of Israel (1-5)
David occupies Jerusalem, calling it "The City of David" (6-12)
David takes more wives and concubines (13-16)
God helps David smite the Philistines (twice) (17-25)
6 God kills Uzzah for protecting the ark (1-7)
David dances nearly naked in front of God and everybody (8-15)
Michal is disgusted by David's performance (16-23)
7 David, God, and Nathan talk about houses and stuff (1-29 1 Chr 17)
8 God gave David victory wherever he went (1-18)
9 David finds someone in Saul's family to be kind to (for Jonathan's sake) (1-13)
10 Hanun embarrasses David's messengers (1-5)
David fights Ammon and Syria (6-19)
11 David sends Joab to destroy the Ammonites (1)
David impregnates Bathsheba (2-5)
David has Uriah killed (6-25)
David marries Bathsheba and she has a son (16-27)
12 Nathan's parable: That man is you (1-14)
God kills a baby (15-23)
David comforts Bathsheba and Solomon is born (24-25)
David tortures the children of Ammon (26-31)
13 Amnon rapes his half-sister Tamar (1-19)
Absalom kills Amnon for raping his sister (20-39)
Absalom comes home to Jerusalem (21-33)
15 Absalom conspires against David (1-12)
David runs away (leaving his concubines to keep house) (13-37)
16 Ziba and David meet again (1-4)
Shimei curses and throws stones at David (5-14)
Absalom has sex with his father's ten concubines (in front of all the people) (15-23)
Hushai's plan (5-13)
Hushai's plan is accepted (so God could bring evil on Absalom) (14)
David is warned (15-22)
Ahithophel hangs himself (23-29)
18 David's men fight Absalom, killing 20,000 Israelites (1-8)
Absalom is killed (9-33)
19 David crosses the Jordan River (1-43)
David punishes his concubines (for being publicly raped by his son Absalom) (3)
Joab murders Amasa (by smiting him under the fifth rib) (4-14)
Sheba is decapitated (and his head is thrown over the wall) (15-26)
21 Seven of Saul's sons are hung up before the Lord (to end a famine) (1-14)
More wars and giant killing (15-22)
23 David's (next to the) last words (1-7)
David's 36 (or 37) mighty men (8-39)
24 God tells David to have a census (1-9)
God kills 70,000 men because of David's census (10-25)
