Episode 4: Divorce (2:226-286)

Surah 2: The Cow (Al-Baqarah)

Divorce

²²⁶ If you decide you don't want to have sex anymore with one of your wives, wait four months. Maybe you'll change your mind.

²²⁸ Women may not have sex for three months after getting a divorce. If they skip one of their periods, they must not hide it. If they pass that test, their ex-husbands might take their wives back again. Women have rights similar to men. But men are better than women.

²²⁹ A woman can only be divorced and remarried by the same husband twice. If she is divorced a third time, the divorce is final. But she can ransom herself.

²³⁰ If a man divorces a wife for the third time, he can't remarry her until after she has married another man. Then if she divorces her new husband, the old husband can marry her for the third time.

²³¹ After your divorced wives have reached the end of their three-month waiting period, you can take them or leave them. Just don't make Allah a laughingstock.

²³² If you decide to go ahead with the divorce, let your ex-wives get married again. It's cleaner that way. Allah knows; you don't.

²³³ Mothers should nurse their babies for two whole years (unless they decide not to). And you can pay some other woman do it for you if you want. Whatever.

²³⁴ After you die, your wives can't have sex for four months and ten days. After that, if they're not pregnant, it's no sin for you (you're dead, remember?) if they have sex again.

²⁴² Allah is telling you this so you can understand.

There is no compulsion in religion (but disbelievers will burn in the fire)

²⁴³ Remember the story about the resurrected people? You know, the one where thousands of people were afraid of dying? Allah said, “Die," and then brought them back to life.

²⁴⁴ Fight in the way of Allah.

²⁴⁵ Who will lend Allah a goodly loan? He'll pay it back with interest. Allah straightens and enlarges whatever is bent or small.

²⁴⁹ When Saul set out with an army he said, "Allah will test you with a river. Whoever drinks from the hollow of his his hand, will be in my army."

²⁵⁶ There is no compulsion in religion. ²⁵⁷ But disbelievers will be tortured forever in a fire after they die.

Rip Van Winkle

²⁵⁸ Remember the time Abraham had an argument with a disbeliever? Abraham said to him, “Allah makes the sun rise in the east. Make it rise in the west.” This totally abashed the disbeliever.

²⁵⁹ There was once a man who was killed by Allah and then brought back to life a hundred years later. When the man came back to life, Allah asked him, “How long have you been away?” The man said, “Oh, maybe a day or part of a day.” Allah said, “No, you've been gone for a hundred years. Just look at your ass!”

²⁶⁰ But Abraham still wasn’t sure he believed. So Allah said to him, “Put four birds on a hill and then call to them. (Here birdie, birdie!) Then when the birds come, you'll believe.” Allah is mighty, wise, idiotic.

²⁶⁴ Allah doesn't guide disbelievers.

²⁷⁵ Those who swallow usury will burn in the fire.

²⁷⁷ Pay taxes to help poor people.

A woman is worth half as much as a man

²⁸² If witnesses are needed in a trial, call two men. If you can't find two men, then a man and two women will do.

²⁸⁶ Help us defeat the disbelievers.