Drunk With Blood: God's killings in the Bible

Introduction
Genesis
  1. The Flood of Noah: All flesh died that moved upon the earth
  2. Abraham's war to rescue Lot
  3. Sodom and Gomorrrah
  4. Remember Lot's wife (Forget Jesus)
  5. The Dinah and Shechem Massacre
  6. Er was wicked in the sight of the Lord (so the Lord slew him)
  7. Onan spilled it on the ground (so the Lord killed him too)
  8. God's seven-year, world-wide famine
Exodus
  1. There will be blood: The First Plague of Egypt
  2. The seventh plague of Egypt: Hail
  3. The Lord smote all the firstborn in thre land of Egypt
  4. God drowned the Egyptian army: The Lord took off their chariot wheels
  5. The Lord will have war with Amalek from generation to generation
  6. Who is on the Lord's side: Forcing friends and family to kill each other
  7. The Lord plagued the people because of the calf that Aaron made
Leviticus
  1. God burned Aaron's sons to death for offering "strange fire before the Lord"
  2. A blasphemer is stoned to death
Numbers
  1. When the people complained, God burned them to death
  2. While the flesh was still between their teeth, the Lord smote them with a very great plague
  3. Ten scouts are killed for their honest report
  4. Sticks and stones: A man gathering sticks on the Sabbath day is stoned to death
  5. Korah and his companions are buried alive (along with their families)
  6. God burned 250 people to death for burning incense
  7. God killed 14,700 for complaining about God's killings
  8. The massacre of the Aradites
  9. God sent fiery serpents to bite the people for complaining about the lack of food and water
  10. Phinehas's double murder: A killing to end God's killngs
  11. The Midianite massacre: Have you saved all the women alive?
Deuteromomy
  1. God slowly killed the Israelite army
  2. God the giant killer
  3. God hardens king Sihon's heart so that all his people can be killed
  4. Og and all the men, women, and children in 60 cities
Joshua
  1. The Jericho Massacre

  2. Achan and his family are stoned and burned to death

  3. The Ai Massacre

  4. God stops the sun so that Joshua can get his killing done in the daylight

  5. Five kings are killed and hung on trees

  6. Joshua utterly destroyed all that breathed as the Lord God commanded

  7. The genocide of twenty kingdoms
  8. The Anakim: Some more giant killing

Judges
  1. The Lord delivered the Canaanites and the Perizzites

  2. The Jerusalem massacre

  3. Five massacres, a wedding, and some God-proof iron chariots

  4. The Lord delivered Chushanrishathaim

  5. Ehud delivers a message from God

  6. God delivers 10,000 lusty Moabites

  7. Shamgar killed 600 Philistines with an ox goad
  8. Barak and God massacre the Canaanites
  9. Jael pounds a tent stake through a sleeping man's skull
  10. Gideon's Story: The Lord set every man's sword against his fellow
  11. A city is massacred and 1000 burn to death because of God's evil spirit
  12. The Ammonite massacre
  13. Jephthah's daughter
  14. 42,000 killed for failing the "shibboleth" test
  15. Samson murders thirty men for their clothes
  16. Samson kills 1000 with the jawbone of an ass
  17. Samson kills 3000 in a suicide terrorist attack
  18. A holy civil war
  19. Two genocides and 200 stolen virgins
1 Samuel
  1. God kills Eli's sons and 34,000 Israelite soldiers
  2. God smote them with hemorrhoids in their secret parts
  3. 50,070 killed for looking into the ark of the Lord
  4. The Lord thundered great thunder upon the Philistines
  5. Another Ammonite massacre (and another God-inspired body part message)
  6. Jonathan's very first slaughter (not counting the one before)
  7. God forces the Philistines to kill each other
  8. The Amalekite genocide
  9. Samuel hacks Agag to pieces before the Lord
  10. In the Valley of Elah: Goliath
  11. David buys a wife with 200 Philistines foreskins
  12. The Lord said to David, Go and smite the Philistines
  13. God killed Nabal (and David got his wife and other stuff)
  14. David commits random acts of genocide for the Philistines
  15. David spends the day killing Amalekites
  16. God killed Saul (and his sons and soldiers) for not killing all the Amalekites
2 Samuel
  1. David killed the messenger
  2. David killed Rechab and Baanah, cut off their hands and feet, and hung their bodies over the pool
  3. God helps David smite the Philistines from the front and the rear
  4. God killed Uzzah for trying to keep the ark from falling
  5. David killed two thirds of the Moabite POWs and enslaved the rest
  6. The Lord gave David victory wherever he went
  7. David killed every male in Edom
  8. Thus did David unto all the children of Ammon
  9. God slowly kills a baby
  10. Famine and human sacrifice: Seven sons of Saul are hung up before the Lord
  11. David's mighty men and their amazing killings
  12. God killed 70,000 because David had a census that God (or Satan) told him to do
1 Kings
  1. Solomon carried out David's deathbed wish by having Joab and Shimei murdered
  2. A tale of two prophets
  3. Jeroboam's son: God kills another child
  4. Jeroboam's family
  5. Baasha's family and friends
  6. Zimri burns to death
  7. The drought of Elijah
  8. Elijah kills 450 religious leaders in a prayer contest
  9. The first God-assisted slaughter of the Syrians
  10. God killed 100,000 Syrians for calling him a God of the hills
  11. God killed 27,000 Syrians with a falling wall
  12. God sent a lion to kill a man for not smiting a prophet
  13. God killed Ahab for not killing a captured king
2 Kings
1 and 2 Chronicles
Esther, Job, Jeremiah, and Ezekiel
The Apocrypha
The New Testament
How many more will God kill?
A table of God's killings