"Alif. Lam. Mim."
Many surahs start with three Arabic letters. No one knows why. But I have a theory. The mysterious letters (Alif. Lam. Mim.)
are the Quranic equivalent of WTF. 2:1
"This is the Scripture whereof there is no doubt, a guidance unto those who ward off (evil)."
There is no doubt about this or any other "Scripture". It is false. It wasn't revealed by God and it won't "ward off evil."
Those who believe in the unseen things revealed by Muhammad and who are absolutely certain they will survive their own
death are the successful people. You know, the Muslims. 2:3-5
"Shall we believe as the foolish believe?"
According to the Quran, the answer is, yes. To be truly wise you must believe whatever the foolish believe. 2:13
Allah especially dislikes people who pretend to believe when they're around Muslims, and then disbelieve when they hang out with devils.
"If Allah willed, He could destroy their hearing and their sight. Lo! Allah is able to do all things." 2:20
"And if ye are in doubt ... then produce a surah of the like thereof."
If you doubt that the truth of the Quran, then try making some stuff up and see how it compares. (Whatever you come up with will be better than the
And He taught Adam all the names."
Allah taught Adam all the names of the plants and animals, which must have taken a while since there are 1.7 million species that are known
today, with probably another 10 million or so that are yet to be discovered. And this only includes those that are alive today. If extinct species
are included (~99%), then Allah must have taught Adam a billion or so names. 2:31a
Then Allah showed all the animals to the angels, challenging them to guess their names (if they are truthful).
But the angels weren't truthful enough to guess correctly. 2:32
Then Allah tells Adam to tell the angels the animals' names. So Adam tells them and says, "I know something you
guys don't! Neener-Neener-Neener!" 2:33
Allah commands the angels to worship Adam. They all do, except for Iblis, who becomes a disbeliever. 2:34
After the people worshipped a calf, Moses told them to kill themselves. That, he said, would be best for them.
Allah struck Moses with lightning and then revived him just so that Moses would thank him for it!
As you read the Quran you'll notice that many of the Bible's stupidest stories are made even
stupider in the Quran. Take Exodus 17:1-6 for example. In the Bible, Moses strikes a rock and water
comes out for the Israelites to drink. In the Quran, the same thing happens but there are twelve springs that come out of the rock,
one for each tribe of Israel. 2:60
Allah turned Sabbath-breaking Jews into apes to be despised and hated. All modern Jews are descendants of apes
(or all modern apes are descendants of Sabbath-breaking Jews). 2:65-66
"Allah told the Jews to sacrifice a bright yellow cow. 2:67-69
But they weren't sure what cow to kill. All cows pretty much look alike to Jews. 2:67-69
Somehow they worked it all out, though, and killed a yellow cow. 2:71
A man was murdered about the same time that the yellow cow was killed. Nobody knew who the murderer was. So Allah told the
people to smite the dead man with a piece of the dead cow. When they did that, the dead man came to life and told everyone who had
murdered him. (I hope I got that right.)2:72-3
There are rocks which fall down for the fear of Allah."
Are there rocks that fall down laughing at the stupid things Allah says in the Quran? 2:74
"Little is that which they believe."
At least Allah got that right. There is little in the Quran that is worthy of belief. 2:88
Pay no attention to the know-nothings that ask Allah for a sign. (Or ask him to say something good, kind, decent,
or reasonable in the Quran.) 2:118a
Their hearts are all alike (they suck). Allah's revelations are clear to those that already believe that Allah's revelations are clear.
"We take our colour from Allah, and who is better than Allah at colouring."
Muslims were colored by God. "Who is better than Allah at coloring?"
I give up. Who is better at coloring than Allah? 2:138
Allah guides whoever the hell he wants on a straight path. And once in a while he changes the direction of the path for no
reason whatsoever. 2:142
Allah changes the holy direction. Originally Muslims prayed toward Jerusalem. But then, for no apparent reason, Allah told
Muhammad to start praying toward a black cube-shaped building in Mecca (the Kaaba). The Kaaba, according to Islamic tradition,
was the first building on earth. Built by Adam and re-built later by Abraham and Ishmael, the Kaaba is the direction that all
Muslims pray toward five times day, and is the holy site that all Muslims are supposed to visit once in their lifetime.
"Those who disbelieve [are] Deaf, dumb, blind, therefore they have no sense." 2:171
"There is life for you in retaliation ... that ye may ward off (evil)."
There is life for you in Allah's magic retaliation. It helps to ward off evil. (It works like a rabbit's foot or something.)
"Beautified is the life of the world for those who disbelieve;
they make a jest of the believers."
Yes life is beautiful to us unbelievers and we like to laugh at believers! 2:212
Drinking and gambling are sinful, but useful. Allah isn't sure, but he figures their sinfulness is probably greater than their
usefulness. Just try not to spend too much on either. 2:219a
If you're wondering how much is too much to spend on drinking and gambling, Allah has the answer for you. Only drink or gamble
away what is superfluous. Allah is Mighty, Wise, Helpful. 2:219b
Next Allah gets down to the really important things in life. Things we all wonder about from time to time. Like should I marry a
few idolatresses? Is an Islamic concubine better than a really hot Christian woman? Should I refuse to give my daughter to a Jewish man
until he becomes a Muslim? And who should I invite to the Fire anyway? 2:221
After your divorced wives have reached the end of their 3 month waiting period, you can take them or leave them. Just don't make
Allah a laughing-stock. 2:231
When a man dies, his wives can't have sex for four months and ten days. After that, if they're not pregnant, it's no sin for
the dead man if his wives have sex again. 2:234
Allah told thousands of soldiers to die. Then after they died, Allah brought them back to life. 2:243
Allah asks for a loan, promising to pay us back with interest. Allah straightens and enlarges whatever is bent or small.
Then Allah starts with the Bible stories. And, as usual, he gets them all wrong. First he has angels carrying the ark.
Allah confuses Saul with Gideon when telling the stupid dog-lapping story of Judges 7:5-7.
Abraham argues with a disbeliever by saying, "God makes the sun rise in the east. Make it rise in the west." Which totally
abashed the disbeliever. But the disbeliever should have said, "I make the sun rise in the east. Ask Allah to make it rise in the
west." That would have abashed Abraham and Allah. 2:258
Allah makes a man "die" for 100 years, and then brings him back to life.
To show how he gives life to the dead, Allah tells Abraham to cut up the
bodies of four birds, scatter their remains on four hills, and then call to them. Allah says
that the dead birds will come quickly to Abraham. 2:260
Some scriptures are allegorical and some are not. No one understands the allegorical stuff except for Allah.
Muslims are the best people. Most Non-muslims are "evil-livers." 3:110
Allah tells us about a battle between the good guys (the Muslims) and the bad guys (the non-Muslims). One side saw "clearly,
with their very eyes" that the other side had twice as many soldiers. End of story. "Lo! herein verily is a lesson for those who
have eyes." (I guess I don't have eyes.) 3:13
"If ye love Allah, follow me; Allah will love you and forgive you your sins."
Follow Muhammad and Allah will love your and forgive your sins. Otherwise.... 3:31
"Obey Allah and the messenger." But mostly the Messenger (Muhammad). 3:32
Here's a fun story about Allah, Jesus, and magic clay birds.
"Lo! I [Allah] fashion for you [Jesus] out of clay the likeness of a bird, and I breathe into it and it is a bird, by Allah's leave. "
"Why then argue ye concerning that whereof ye have no knowledge?"
Don't argue about things that you know nothing about. 3:66
Why does Allah like Muslims so much? Because they are the best people on earth, they behave themselves, forbid indecency,
and believe in Allah. Allah loves people who believe in him. (Most Non-muslims are "evil-livers.") 3:110
"Ye will overcome them if ye are (indeed) believers."
(Believers always defeat unbelievers.) 3:139
Those who retreat while fighting in a holy war are inspired by Satan. 3:155
"Think not of those, who are slain in the way of Allah, as dead." 3:169-171
Inheritance laws: None of this makes sense to me,
but here's a link that explains it all for you.
"We shall cast him into Fire, and that is ever easy for Allah." 4:30
Be kind to the slaves "whom your right hands possess." But, of course, if a kind person would set slaves free and wouldn't
have them in the first place. 4:36
Don't make Satan your imaginary friend. Choose Allah instead! 4:38
If you get dirty (by touching a woman or something), and can't find any clean water
around at prayer time, you can clean up by rubbing your face and hands in some clean
Christians and Jews must believe what Allah has revealed to Muhammad or Allah will disfigure their faces or
turn them into apes, as he did the Sabbath-breakers. (See
Virgins (and plenteous shade) await those who enter paradise. 4:57
"We sent no messenger save that he should be obeyed by Allah's leave." (Obey Muhammad.) 4:64
Don't worry about dying in battle. Remember the shade and the pure companions. Allah wouldn't hurt the down on a date-stone.
If something good happens to you, it is because of Allah. If something bad happens, it's your own damn fault. Heads,
Allah wins; tails, you lose. 4:78-79
"Whoso obeyeth the messenger hath obeyed Allah, and whoso turneth away: We have not sent thee as a warder over them."
"Will they not then ponder on the Qur'an? If it had been from other than Allah they would have found therein much incongruity."
If the Quran was not from Allah its critics would find some mistakes in it.(The Quran filled with mistakes. It is a silly, error-filled book. But even if
the Quran didn't contain a single error, it would not prove that it was from Allah.) 4:82
"If it had not been for the grace of Allah upon you and His mercy ye would have followed Satan, save a few (of you)."
Most of us would be followers of Satan if it wasn't for Allah. 4:83
Whoever participates in a good cause, will be rewarded.
Whoever participates in an evil cause, will bear the consequences thereof. (It's not true, but it's a nice thought.)
If someone says Hi to you say Hi (or Howdy) back to them. 4:86
"Who enjoineth almsgiving and kindness and peace-making ... We shall bestow ... a vast reward."
It is good to help the poor and make peace. (But the part about Allah giving you a big reward for doing so is a big lie.)
Don't cut cattle's ears and, thereby, change Allah's creation.
(This is interpreted to mean that Muslim men must not shave
their beards, and Muslim women must not pluck their eyebrows.) Allah commands non-Muslims
to shave beards and pluck eyebrows so he can have an excuse to burn them in hell after they die.
Allah will not allow disbelievers to succeed against believers.
Jesus was not crucified. (It just looked like he was.) 4:157-8
What not to eat: roadkill, blood, pigs, animals sacrificed to gods other than Allah, animals that were strangled, beat to death,
jumped of a cliff, fell from the sky, or were killed by other animals. 5:3
"I perfected your religion for you ... and have chosen for you as religion al-Islam." 5:3
When it's time to pray and you have just used the toilet or touched
a woman, be sure to wash up. If you can't find any water, just rub some dirt on yourself.
Jesus has a conversation with a godly unclean spirit named "Legion." 5:8-10
"O People of the Scripture! Now hath Our messenger come unto you, expounding unto you much of that which ye used to hide in the Scripture."
Muhammad, who was illiterate and who had never read the Hebrew and Christian scriptures, offers to explain the scriptures to Christians and Jews, who he claims hide and distort the true meaning of their scriptures.
Christians are disbelievers for believing in the divinity of Christ. 5:17
The Quran repeats the silly story about Cain and Abel (though they are unnamed in the Quran). 5:27-31
"Allah sent a raven scratching up the ground, to show him how to hide his brother's naked corpse." 5:31
Allah has turned some Christians and Jews into apes and swine. 5:60
Allah warns believers not to ask to many questions. (Honest answers will cause them to lose their faith.) 5:101
Jesus made a bird out of clay that flew away when he blew on it. 5:110
"And of the cattle (He produceth) some for burdens, some for food. Eat of that which Allah hath bestowed upon you, and follow not the
footsteps of the devil."
The devil is a vegetarian. Kill and eat lots of animals so you won't be like him. 6:142
Allah commanded the angels to worship Adam. They all did
except for Iblis. 7:11
Adam and his nameles wife (Eve?) didn't know they were naked until they ate from the tree. 7:22
Entire nations of the jinn have been tormented with fire.
(Since jinns were made from fire, they'll probably enjoy the fire of hell.) 7:38
Muslim commentators on the Quran tell us that Salih, through the power of Allah, turned a stone into a
female camel. 7:73
"Then he [Moses] flung down his staff and lo! it was a serpent." 7:107
"And he [Moses] drew forth his hand (from his bosom), and lo! it was white." 7:108
We inspired Moses (saying): Throw thy staff! And lo! it swallowed up their lying show. 7:117
"So We sent against them the flood and the locusts and the vermin and the frogs and the blood - a succession of clear signs."
When Allah revealed himself to Moses, the mountain (Mt. Sinai?) came crashing down. 7:143
Allah supported Muhammad with armies that no one else could see. 9:40
The people who heard Muhammad's "revelations" thought they sucked, saying, "Find another messenger or change the message."
Denying the revelations of Allah is the worst sin imaginable. 10:17
"Neither dust nor ignominy cometh near their faces."
Muslims will look good in heaven. There'll be no dust on their faces! 10:26
The Quran is so perfect it could never be invented. Go ahead and try to write a Surah as great as those in the Quran.
"Allah wrongeth not mankind in aught; but mankind wrong themselves."
Nah, Allah never hurt anyone. Well, he did drown everyone on earth except Noah and his family. And he's going to torture every non-muslim
forever after they die. But other than that (and other cruel stuff like it), what did Allah ever do to anyone?
The Pharaoh became a Muslim to avoid being drowned by Allah. 10:90
"And We verily did allot unto the Children of Israel a fixed abode."
Really? Then why do modern Muslims object to Jews occupying the land (Israel) that Allah gave them?
A test for those who suspect that Muhammad invented the Quran: compose ten surahs like those in the Quran. (It shouldn't be hard
to do much better than surahs 38, 40,
44, 47, 63,
66, 88, 105,
111, and 114.) 11:13
Allah created the heavens and earth in six days and set his throne upon water in order to
test people to see who behaved better. 11:7
"This is the camel of Allah ... touch her not with harm lest a near torment seize you." 11:64
"If his shirt is torn from before, then she speaketh truth ... if his shirt is torn from behind, then she hath lied."
Stupid tests like this can only be found in the Quran (or the Bible or the Book of Mormon). 12:26-27
"And Joseph's brethren came and presented themselves before him, and he knew them but they knew him not."
Stupid stories like this can only be found in the Quran (and the Bible). 12:58
Everyone and everything (and their shadow) bows to Allah twice a day (whether they want to or not).
"And Satan saith...."
Satan gives a little speach. 14:22
Allah commanded the angels to worship Adam. They all did except for
God is pissed at Iblis for not bowing down and worshipping man. But why? Wouldn't this be idolatry?
Allah sends Iblis to hell for refusing to worship humans and then immediately changes his mind at Iblis' request.
"He hath cast into the earth firm hills that it quake not with you."
Allah made mountains that that don't shake when you jump up and down. And lots of other stuff, too! 16:15
"He loveth not the proud."
Allah is too proud to love proud people. 16:23
"What hath your Lord revealed ? they say: (Mere) fables of the men of old."
Mo's critics were exactly right. What has he revealed? Just a bunch of fables of old (plus a few he made up himself).
"And thy Lord inspired the bee, saying ... eat of all fruits."
Allah told bees to eat from all fruits, but decided to eat nectar and pollen instead.
"Glorified be He Who carried His servant by night from the Inviolable Place of Worship to the Far distant place of
worship the neighbourhood whereof We have blessed."
This verse refers to Muhammad's famous midnight ride on the back of a flying horse (Al-Buraq)
from Mecca to Jerusalem and then to heaven. 17:1
Allah has prepared a painful doom for those who disbelieve in the Hereafter.
How many generations Allah has destroyed since Noah! 17:17
Allah will destroy every town before the Day of Resurrection.
"Whoso is blind here will be blind in the Hereafter, and yet further from the road." 17:72
Humans and jinn working together could not produce the Quran. 17:88
Mary complains to a palm tree about the pains of childbirth. The tree tells her to shake its trunk and ripe dates will
Mary, the mother of Jesus, was the sister of Aaron. (Apparently,
Muhammad confused Mary with Miriam.) 19:27-28
Jesus professes his Islamic faith while still in the cradle, modestly claiming the be a perfect
prophet who will be raised alive when he dies. 19:30-34
"Idris. Lo! he was a saint, a prophet."
No one knows who the hell Idris is. 19:56
"We have revealed it [the Quran] as a Lecture in Arabic."
Then why are there so many non-Arabic words and sources for it?
And why would God prefer one language over another? Is he the tribal god of the Arabs? 20:113
In Genesis (3:22-24), Adam and Eve are driven out of the Garden of
Eden before eating from the "Tree of Life" and thereby becoming immortal. But here they eat from
"the tree of immortality and power" -- yet they don't become immortal or powerful, they become ashamed
of their nakedness. Why? 20:120-1
Muhammad's critics claimed that his supposed revelations were "muddled dreams" that he made up as he went along. 21:5
Every person alive at the time of the flood was evil. So Allah drowned them all.
"Idris, and Dhu'l-Kifl. All were of the steadfast."
No one knows who these steadfast guys (Idris and
Dhu'l-Kifl)were supposed to be. 21:85
"O mankind! if ye are in doubt concerning the Resurrection, then lo! We have created you from dust,
then from a drop of seed, then from a clot, then from a little lump of flesh shapely and shapeless, that We may make (it) clear for you."
Oh thanks, Allah. That clears everything up! 22:5
"Allah ... quickeneth the dead ... Allah will raise those who are in the graves." 22:6-7
A husband can accuse his wife of adultery with only one witness (himself). But he has to swear five times (so he can count as
four or more separate witnesses in accordance with 24.4). 24:6
"Obey Allah and obey the messenger." (But mostly the messenger -- Muhammad.) 24:54
"Say: Is that doom better or the Garden of Immortality?" 25:15
"The disbeliever was ever a partisan against his Lord." 25:55
Moses turns his staff into a snake and makes his hand turn white.
Moses throws his staff down and it swallows the wizards' staffs.
Stay away from poets. The erring follow them. 26:224
With Allah's help, Moses turns his staff into a snake (or a demon).
For his second magic trick, Moses turns his hand white (with Allah's help,
of course). 27:12
The wives of Muhammad will be punished double for lewdness. (And that is easy for Allah.)
Allah gave Zeyd to Muhammad in marriage so that all Muslims would know that it's OK to marry your adopted son's ex-wife. 33:37
"There is no reproach for the Prophet in that which Allah maketh his due."
Allah says that Muhammad (pb&jbuh) can do whatever he damn well pleases. 33:37
"Muhammad ... is the messenger of Allah and the Seal of the Prophets." 33:40
"Allah and His angels shower blessings on the Prophet."
Or as the Ash-Shifa puts it:
"Allah and his angels praise and venerate the Prophet." 33:56
Allah offered the heavens, earth, and hills the the duty of worshiping him, but they were
afraid and refused. So humans got the job instead. 33:72
"Hath he [Muhammad] invented a lie concerning Allah, or is there in him a madness?" 34:8
Allah gave Solomon some of the jinn to work for him.
Everyone followed Satan except for a group of true believers. 34:20
Those who worshipped the jinn will taste the doom of the Fire. 34:41
"There is no madness in your comrade [Muhammad]." 34:46
The devil is real. He and his followers will burn forever in the Fire. 35:6
"Shall we forsake our gods for a mad poet?"
Muhammad's critics thought he was "a mad poet." 37:36
Those in hell must eat from a tree with the heads of devils, and then drink boiling water.
After that they return to hell. 37:62-68
When Abraham's son, Ishmael, was old enough to walk, Allah told Abraham in a dream to sacrifice Ishmael. So Abraham asked Ishmael if it'd be OK with him, and Ishmael said, "Sure thing, Dad,
go ahead and kill me for God. I won't even flinch." 37:102
Job kicked the ground and immediately a spring flowed out. 38:41-2
"Dhu'l-Kifl ... of the chosen."
No one knows who Dhu-l-Kifl is supposed to be. 38:48
The angels worshipped humans, except for Iblis, who became one
of the disbelievers. 38:73-4
Iblis asks Allah to let him hang around and mislead humans.
Allah allows him to do so, and Iblis leads all humans to hell except for the single-minded slaves.
Allah agrees, and plans to fill hell with Iblis and his followers. 38:79-85
Thus does Allah send astray the disbelievers (in his guidance).
If bad stuff happens to you, it's your own fault. 42:30,
"They had turned away from him [Muhammad] and said: a madman?" 44:14
Those in hell must eat from a tree (the tree of Zaqqum) like molten brass that burns their bellies. Then
boiling water will be poured on their heads. 44:43-48
"We shall wed them unto fair ones with wide, lovely eyes."
Allah will reward faithful Muslims after they die with "fair ones with wide, lovely eyes" or with
white raisins. 44:54
Swearing allegiance to Muhammad is the same as swearing allegiance to God. 48:10
Do not lift your voice when in Muhammad's presence. Those who subdue their voices are righteous and will receive an
immense reward from Allah. 49:1-3
Would you like to eat the flesh of your dead brother? 49:12
"We say unto hell: Art thou filled? and it saith: Can there be more to come?"
Allah talks to hell about it's occupancy level. 50:30
Accursed are the conjecturers who ask: When is the Day of Judgment? It is the day
they will be tormented by the Fire. 51:10-14
"The moon was rent in twain."
Muhammaed split the moon into two pieces. Beat that one, Jesus! 54:1-2