Although Joseph Smith said that the Book of Abraham was written by Abraham "in his own hand, upon papyrus," there is no mention of Abraham's name
anywhere in the papyri or the facscimiles that Joseph Smith claimed to interpret. 1:1
"And, finding there was greater happiness and peace and rest for me, I sought for the blessings of the fathers, and the right whereunto I should
be ordained to administer the same; having been myself a follower of righteousness, desiring also to be one who possessed great knowledge, and to
be a greater follower of righteousness, and to possess a greater knowledge.... ... ..."
How did Abraham manage to get all this useless, redundant, and completely unnecessary babbling on the little scrap of papyrus that Joseph
Smith translated? 1:2
It came down from the fathers, from the beginning of time, yea, even from the beginning, or before the foundation of the earth, down to the present time, even the right of the firstborn, or the first man, who is Adam."
Abraham became a priest because he was a descendent of Adam. (Isn't everyone supposedly a descendent of Adam?) 1:3
Abraham was a priest "concerning the seed." Whatever the hell that means.) 1:4
"My fathers having turned from ... the holy commandments which the Lord their God had given unto them."
God gave the commandments to Abraham's ancestors? And all those silly Christians thought it was Moses! (Exodus 20,
Deuteronomy 5) 1:5
"Offering up their children unto these dumb idols"
So those nasty Egyptians sacrificed their own children to God. But why would that bother Abraham? He was willing to sacrifice
Isaac. (Genesis 22:10) 1:7
That you may have an understanding of these gods, I have given you the fashion of them in the figures at the beginning."
Gosh! Thanks, Abraham! (Of course, the figures are not gods as Joseph Smith says, but jars that contained the deceased guts.) 1:14
And as they lifted up their hands upon me"
Just at the last second, God and an angel saved Abraham from being killed by those nasty Egyptians! 1:15
"And his voice was unto me: Abraham, Abraham, ..."
And then Jehovah makes a little speech. 1:16
"Egyptus, which in the Chaldean signifies Egypt, which signifies that which is forbidden."
"Egyptus" is a Greek, not a Chaldean word, and it doesn't mean "forbidden" in any language. It wasn't used at until 1375 BCE, well after the time that Abraham was supposed to have
"Pharaoh being of that lineage by which he could not have the right of Priesthood"
The Pharaoh was black (according to this verse, anyway), and because of that he was banned from the priesthood. (Poor Pharaoh couldn't be a Mormon
priest, since all black men were denied the Mormon priesthood until
the 1978 revelation.)
"I, Abraham, had the Urim and Thummim."
Abraham had the Urim and Thummim just like Joseph Smith! Maybe it was the very same pair! (How cool is that?) 3:1
"The name of the great on is Kolob ... for it is near to me."
God lives on or near the planet (or star) named Kolob. 3:3
"By the Urim and Thummim, that Kolob was after the manner of the Lord...."
I guess God created his home planet, Kolob, using a Urim and Thummim or something. (I wish Abraham wouldn't get so technical!)
"This is the reckoning of the Lord's time, according to the reckoning of Kolob." 3:4
"And the Lord said unto me: The planet which is the lesser light, lesser than that which is to rule the day, even the night, is above or greater than that upon which thou standest in point of reckoning...."
I think you'd have to be from Kolob to understand any of this. 3:5
"And the Lord said unto me: Now, Abraham, these two facts exist, behold thine eyes see it; it is given unto thee to know the times of reckoning, and the set time, yea, the set time of the earth upon which thou standest...."
(If you don't understand this, that's okay. It didn't make any sense to Joseph Smith either.) 3:6
"Kolob is set nigh unto the throne of God, to govern all those planets which belong to the same order as that upon which thou standest."
"And it is given unto thee to know the set time of all the stars that are set to give light."
God told Abraham the "set times" of all the stars in the universe. (There are about 100 billion galaxies with 100 billion or so stars in each. But God gave the 1022 "set times" to Abraham.)
"Kolob is the greatest of all the Kokaubeam ... because it is nearest unto me."
Kolob is the star nearest God. 3:16
"If there be two things, one above the other, and the moon be above the earth, then it may be that
a planet or a star may exist above it."
Since the moon is above the earth, then a planet or a star may also be above the earth. (The mind of God is a frightening thing.)
"They are gnolaum."
There are two spirits, one more intellegent than the other, yet both are gnolaum. 3:18
"I am more intelligent than they all."
God is even more intellegent they those other two spirits. (Whoever they might be.) 3:19
Many "noble and great" intellegences existed before the earth was created, and Abraham was among them. 3:22-23
"We will go down ... and make an earth."
Someone who looked a lot like God decided to go down and make an earth (since there was plenty of space and material, and nothing much
else to do). 3:24
"They who keep their first estate shall be added upon ... and they who keep their second estate
shall have glory added upon their heads for ever and ever." 3:26
"The Lord said: I will send the first."
There were two guys, one of which was "like unto the Son of Man" (that'd be Jesus). They both wanted to be sent (somewhere). God chose the
Jesus look-alike. The other guy was angry and didn't keep his first estate and many others followed him. 3:27-28
In the Genesis story, God creates Adam, then the animals, and then Eve -- because Adam couldn't find
a "help meet" among any of the animals. But in the Book of Abraham story, God creates Adam, Eve, and then the animals. Adam didn't even
try to find an animal companion. (It looks like Abraham -- or Joseph Smith -- was a bit embarrassed by the
contradictions and absurdities in
the original Genesis creation stories.) 5:21[../../../../tapitcode.html]