Leviticus: Sex

1. "Or if he touch the uncleanness of man ... he shall be guilty."
   If you touch "the uncleanness of man" (?!) you'll be guilty. 5:3

2. Long, tiresome, and disgusting instructions regarding the treatment of men who have a "running issue" out of their "flesh." Very enlightening. "And if he that hath the issue spit upon him that is clean...." 15:1-15

3. "Every bed, whereon he lieth that hath the issue, is unclean: and every thing, whereon he sitteth, shall be unclean." 15:4

4. "And whosoever toucheth his bed shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:5

5. "And he that sitteth on any thing whereon he sat ... shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:6

6. "And he that toucheth the flesh of him that hath the issue shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:7

7. "And if he that hath the issue spit upon him that is clean; then he shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:8

8. "And what saddle soever he rideth upon that hath the issue shall be unclean." 15:9

9. "And whosoever toucheth any thing that was under him shall be unclean until the even." 15:10

10. "And whomsoever he toucheth ... shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:11

11. "And the vessel of earth, that he toucheth ... shall be broken: and every vessel of wood shall be rinsed in water." 15:12

12. "He that hath an issue ... shall number to himself seven days for his cleansing ... and shall be clean." 15:13

13. "If any man's seed of copulation go out from him...." (God's law for wet dreams)
    This passage tells you what to do if you get your "seed of copulation" on yourself, your clothes, or your partner. Thank God this is in the Bible. 15:16-18, 32

14. "If any man's seed of copulation go out from him, then he shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:16

15. "And every garment ... whereon is the seed of copulation, shall be ... unclean until the even." 15:17

16. "The woman also with whom man shall lie with seed of copulation, they shall both bathe themselves in water, and be unclean until the even." 15:18

17. "This is the law of him that hath an issue, and of him whose seed goeth from him ... And of her that is sick of her flowers, and of him that hath an issue, of the man, and of the woman, and of him that lieth with her that is unclean." 15:32-33

18. Don't "uncover the nakedness" of any of your relatives or neighbors. Just ask them to keep their clothes on while you are around. 18:6-18, 20

19. "Also thou shalt not approach unto a woman to uncover her nakedness, as long as she is apart for her uncleanness," Don't even look at a menstruating woman. 18:19

20. Don't "lie with any beast." You probably weren't planning on doing this, but now you know just in case you get the urge sometime. 18:23

21. Don't "go a whoring" after Molech or "commit adultery with him." (Don't you love it when God talks dirty?) 20:5

22. Stay away from people with familiar spirits and don't "go a whoring" after them either. 20:6

23. If a man has sex with his father's wife, kill them both. 20:11

24. If a man has sex with his daughter in law, kill them both. 20:12

25. If a man has sex with another man, kill them both. 20:13

26. If you "lie" with your wife and your mother-in-law (now that sounds fun!), all three of your must be burned to death. 20:14

27. If a man or woman "lie with a beast" both the person and the poor animal are to be killed. 20:15-16

28. Don't have sex with your sister, uncle's wife, or your brother's wife -- and tell them to wear clothes whenever you're around. 20:17, 19-21

29. If a man has sex with a menstruating woman, they both "shall be cut off from among their people." 20:18

30. "Neither shall he [the priest] profane his seed among his people." (His seed is holy.) 21:15

31. A man with damaged testicles must not "come nigh to offer the bread of his God." 21:20

32. A man who is unclean, or is a leper, or has a "running issue", or "whose seed goeth from him", or who touches any dead or "creeping thing" ... "shall not eat of the holy things, until he be clean." 22:3-5