Leviticus
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SAB: Leviticus

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-Leviticus

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By Elizabeth Cady Stanton

Leviticus: Absurdity

  1. God gives detailed instructions for performing ritualistic animal sacrifices. such bloody rituals must be important to God, judging from the number of times that he repeats their instructions. Indeed the entire first nine chapters of Leviticus can be summarized as follows: Get an animal, kill it, sprinkle the blood around, cut the dead animal into pieces, and burn it for a "sweet savor unto the Lord." Chapters 1 - 9

  2. "For a sweet savour unto the Lord." 1:17, 2:2, 2:9, 2:12, 3:5, 3:16, 6:15, 6:21

  3. "It is a thing most holy of the offerings of the LORD made by fire." 2:10

  4. When you are making your animal sacrifices, be sure to remember that "all the fat is the Lord's." God loves blood and guts, but most especially fat. And he doesn't like to share! 3:16

  5. "If a soul shall sin through ignorance...." But how can someone "sin through ignorance?" Don't your have to at least know that an act is wrong before it can be sinful? 4:2, 13, 22, 27

  6. "The priest shall dip his finger in the blood and sprinkle the blood seven times before the Lord." 4:6, 4:17

  7. If you touch any unclean thing (like a dead cow or a bug) or the "uncleanness of man" (?), then you'll be both unclean and guilty. 5:2-3

  8. "If a soul ... sin through ignorance...." 5:15, 17

  9. Whatever touches the dead body of a burnt offering becomes holy. 6:25-27

  10. Be careful what you eat during these animal sacrifices. Don't eat fat or blood -- these are for God. (And he doesn't like to share!) 7:18-27

  11. God gives instructions for "wave offerings" and "heave offerings." He says these offerings are to be made perpetually "by a statute for ever." Have you made your heave offering today? 7:30-36

  12. Moses dresses up his brother Aaron with "the curious girdle of the ephod." 8:7-8

  13. God's magical Urim and Thummim 8:8

  14. Moses does it all for God. First he kills an animal; wipes the blood on Aaron's ears, thumbs, and big toes. Then he sprinkles blood round about and waves the guts before the Lord. Finally he burns the whole mess for "a sweet savour before the Lord." 8:14-32

  15. Kill the calf, dip your finger in the blood, sprinkle the blood round about, burn the fat and entrails, and wave the breast for a wave offering before the Lord. 9:8-21

  16. God sent a fire to burn the dead animals and all the people "shouted and fell on their faces." 9:24

  17. God commands the Israelites to keep doing these wave and heave offerings "by a statute forever." 10:15

  18. Clams, oysters, crabs, lobsters, and shrimp are abominations to God. 11:10-12

  19. Four-legged fowls are abominations. 11:20

  20. Be sure to watch out for those "other flying creeping things which have four feet." (I wish God wouldn't get so technical!) I guess he must mean four-legged insects. You'd think that since God made the insects, and so many of them (at least several million species), that he would know how many legs they have! 11:23

  21. Don't touch any dead creeping things. 11:31

  22. If your hair has fallen out, you are bald, yet clean. And if your hair falls out from the part of your head toward your face, you are forehead bald, yet clean. 13:40-41

  23. "The swine ... is unclean to you. Of their flesh shall ye not eat, and their carcase shall ye not touch." 11:7-8

  24. "Every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth shall be an abomination." 11:41

  25. "Whatsoever goeth upon the belly, and whatsoever goeth upon all four, or whatsoever hath more feet ... are an abomination." 11:42

  26. "Ye shall not make yourselves abominable with any creeping thing that creepeth." 11:43

  27. God's law for lepers: Get two birds. Kill one. Dip the live bird in the blood of the dead one. Sprinkle the blood on the leper seven times, and then let the blood-soaked bird fly off. Next find a lamb and kill it. Wipe some of its blood on the patient's right ear, thumb, and big toe. Sprinkle seven times with oil and wipe some of the oil on his right ear, thumb and big toe. Repeat. Finally kill a couple doves and offer one for a sin offering and the other for a burnt offering. 14:2-52

  28. Long, tiresome, and disgusting instructions regarding the treatment of men who have a "running issue" out of their "flesh." Very enlightening. "And if he that hath the issue spit upon him that is clean ..." 15:2-15

  29. This passage tells you what to do if you get your "seed of copulation" on yourself, your clothes, or your partner. Thank God this is in the Bible. 15:16-18, 32

  30. God explains the use of scapegoats. It goes like this: Get two goats. Kill one. Wipe, smear, and sprinkle the blood around seven times. Then take the other goat, give it the sins of all the people, and send it off into the wilderness. 16:6-28

  31. Sprinkle the blood and burn the fat for a sweet savour unto the Lord. 17:6

  32. Don't "uncover the nakedness" of any of your relatives or neighbors. Just ask them to keep their clothes on while you are around. 18:6-18, 20

  33. "Also thou shalt not approach unto a woman to uncover her nakedness, as long as she is apart for her uncleanness," Don't even look at a menstruating woman. 18:19

  34. "Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou shalt not sow thy field with a mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woolen come upon thee." 19:19

  35. God tells the Israelites that the fruit from fruit trees is "uncircumcised" for three years after the trees are planted. 19:23

  36. Don't eat anything with blood, don't round the corners of your head, mar the corners of your beard, make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, or print any marks on you. 19:26-28

  37. Stay away from wizards and people with familiar spirits. 19:31

  38. If you "lie" with your wife and your mother-in-law (now that sounds fun!), then all three of your must be burned to death. 20:14

  39. Priests must not "make baldness upon their head, neither shall they shave off the corner of their beard." 21:5

  40. The high priest shall not "go in to any dead body, nor defile himself for his father, or for his mother." 21:11

  41. Handicapped people cannot approach the altar of God. They would "profane" it. 21:16-23

  42. Anyone with a "flat nose, or any thing superfluous" must stay away from the altar of God. 21:18

  43. A man with damaged testicles must not "come nigh to offer the bread of his God." 21:20

  44. A man who is unclean, or is a leper, or has a "running issue", or "whose seed goeth from him", or who touches any dead or "creeping thing" ... "shall not eat of the holy things, until he be clean." 22:3-5

  45. God gives us more instructions on killing and burning animals. I guess the first nine chapters of Leviticus wasn't enough. He says we must do this because he really likes the smell -- it is "a sweet savour unto the Lord." 23:12-14, 18

  46. God will make it so that 100 Israelites can defeat an army of 10,000. 26:8

  47. God describes the torments that he has planned for those who displease him. The usual stuff: plagues, burning fevers that will consume the eyes, etc. but he reserves the worst for the little children. He says "ye shall sow your seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it," "I will send wild beasts among you, which shall rob you of your children," and "ye shall eat the flesh of your sons and daughters." But if you humble your uncircumcised heart, God won't do all these nasty things to you. It's your choice. 26:16-41
Bible: Absurdity
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