Bible: Language
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Revised 2nd Edition

With killings from the Apocrypha






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Old Testament: Language

    Genesis (None)

    Exodus

  1. "Lest ... they go a whoring after their gods ... and their daughters go a whoring after their gods, and make thy sons go a whoring after their gods." 34:15-16

    Leviticus

  2. Long, tiresome, and disgusting instructions regarding the treatment of men who have a "running issue" out of their "flesh." Very enlightening. "And if he that hath the issue spit upon him that is clean ..." 15:1-15

  3. "If any man's seed of copulation go out from him...." (God's law for wet dreams)
    This passage tells you what to do if you get your "seed of copulation" on yourself, your clothes, or your partner. Thank God this is in the Bible. 15:16-18, 32

  4. "If any man's seed of copulation go out from him, then he shall ... be unclean until the even." 15:16

  5. "And every garment ... whereon is the seed of copulation, shall be ... unclean until the even." 15:17

  6. "The woman also with whom man shall lie with seed of copulation, they shall both bathe themselves in water, and be unclean until the even." 15:18

  7. Don't "uncover the nakedness" of any of your relatives or neighbors. Just ask them to keep their clothes on while you are around. 18:6-18, 20

  8. "Also thou shalt not approach unto a woman to uncover her nakedness, as long as she is apart for her uncleanness," Don't even look at a menstruating woman. 18:19

  9. Don't "lie with any beast." You probably weren't planning on doing this, but now you know just in case you get the urge sometime. 18:23

  10. If you upset God, he'll cause the land to vomit you out. 18:25

  11. Don't "go a whoring" after Molech or "commit adultery with him." (Don't you love it when God talks dirty?) 20:5

  12. Stay away from people with familiar spirits and don't "go a whoring" after them either. 20:6

  13. A man with damaged testicles must not "come nigh to offer the bread of his God." 21:20

  14. A man who has a "running issue" or "whose seed goeth from him" ... "shall not eat of the holy things, until he be clean." 22:3-5

    Numbers

  15. God promises to give them "flesh to eat," not for just a few days, but "for a whole month, until it come out of your nostrils, and it be loathsome to you." Yuck. 11:20

  16. "And the Lord said unto Moses, If her father had but spit in her face, should she not be ashamed seven days?" 12:14

  17. The people "commit whoredom with the daughters of Moab." 25:1

    Deuteronomy

  18. Here is some good advice from God: "Circumcise the foreskin of your heart." 10:16

  19. God won't let bastards attend church. Neither can the sons or daughters of bastards "even to the tenth generation." So if you plan to attend church next Sunday be ready to prove that your genitals are intact and don't forget your birth certificate and genealogical records for at least the last ten generations. Don't laugh. This stuff is important to God. 23:2

  20. God gives us instructions for defecating. He says to carefully cover up all feces "for the Lord walketh in the midst of thy camp." (You wouldn't want the divine foot to step in your shit, would you?) 23:12-14

  21. God says not be bring any whore, sodomite, or dog into the house of the Lord. For "these things are an abomination to the Lord." Sodomites and dogs are biblical names for homosexuals. 23:17-18

  22. "The tender and delicate woman" will be forced to eat her own children "that cometh out from between her feet." 28:56-57

    Joshua (None)

    Judges

  23. They went a whoring after other gods." 2:17

  24. "Gideon made an ephod ... and all Israel went thither a whoring after it." 8:27

  25. "As soon as Gideon was dead ... the children of Israel ... went a whoring after Baalim." 8:33

    Ruth (None)

    1 Samuel

  26. God smites the people of Ashdod with hemorrhoids "in their secret parts." 5:6-12

  27. After striking the Philistines with hemorrhoids "in their secret parts," he demands that they send him five golden hemorrhoids as a "trespass offering." 6:4-5, 11, 17

  28. "If I leave ... any that pisseth against the wall."
    David vows to will kill Nabal and all his men (or as he put it, "any that pisseth against the wall".) 25:22

  29. "Except thou hadst hasted and come to meet me, surely there had not been left unto Nabal by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall."
    If Abigail hadn't come and paid him off, David would have killed Nabal and any of his people "that pisseth against the wall". 25:34

    2 Samuel

  30. Amasa is viciously slaughtered by Joab, who "shed out his bowels to the ground ... And Amasa wallowed in blood in the midst of the highway." 20:10, 12

    1 Kings

  31. Killing everyone "that pisseth against the wall." 14:10, 16:11, 21:21

  32. God promises to "bring evil upon the house of Jerobaom" and says he will "cut off" anyone "that pisseth against the wall." God further explains that after he kills them, their dead bodies will be eaten by dogs (if they are city dwellers) or fowls (if they are country folk). 14:10-11

  33. "I will bring evil upon the house of Jeroboam, and will cut off from Jeroboam him that pisseth against the wall." 14:10

  34. "Him that dieth of Jeroboam in the city shall the dogs eat; and him that dieth in the field shall the fowls of the air eat: for the LORD hath spoken it." 14:11

  35. "He slew all the house of Baasha: he left him not one that pisseth against a wall, neither of his kinsfolks, nor of his friends. Thus did Zimri destroy all the house of Baasha, according to the word of the LORD."
    Zimri kills everyone "that pisseth against a wall ... according to the word of the Lord." 16:11-12

  36. "Thus saith the Lord, in the place where dogs licked the blood of Naboth shall dogs lick thy blood, even thine."
    God says that dogs with lick Ahab's blood. But Jezebel, not Ahab, was repsonsible for Naboth's death. 21:19

  37. "Behold, I will bring evil upon thee, and will take away thy posterity, and will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall."
    God will "bring evil upon" Ahab and kill everyone in his family "that pisseth against the wall." 21:21

  38. Jezebel (Ahab's "strange" wife) "stirred up" Ahab to "work wickedness in the sight of the Lord." To punish her, God will feed her dead body to the dogs. (He also plans to feed the city folk to the dogs and country folks to the birds.) 21:23-25

  39. The dogs shall eat Jezebel." Jezebel (Ahab's "strange" wife) "stirred up" Ahab to "work wickedness in the sight of the Lord." To punish her, God will feed her dead body to the dogs. He also plans to feed Ahab's family to the dogs (if they live in the city) and to the birds (if they are country folks). 21:23-25

  40. Jehoshaphat "did that which was right in the eyes of the Lord" and "took" the homosexuals (sodomites) "out of the land," or as the RSV says, "he exterminated" them. 22:43, 46

    2 Kings

  41. "For the whole house of Ahab shall perish: and I will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall." 9:8

  42. God has Jezebel thrown off a wall. Her blood is sprinkled on the wall and on the horses, by which she is trampled. Her body is eaten by dogs and all that remains of it is her hands, feet, and skull. God says that she "shall be as dung upon the face of the field." 9:33-37

  43. Eating dung and drinking piss 18:27

    1 Chronicles

  44. But the Israelites "transgressed against the God of their fathers, and went a whoring after the gods of the people of the land, whom God destroyed before them." 5:25-26

    2 Chronicles (None)

    Ezra (None)

    Nehemiah (None)

    Esther (None)

    Job

  45. "Till I swallow down my spittle."  7:19

  46. Job says that humans perish at death like their own dung. Well, one might fault him for his choice of words, but the idea seems sound enough. 20:7

    Psalms

  47. The author of this psalm allegedly is David. If so, then it's not surprising that his "loins" would be "filled with a loathsome disease." After all, his promiscuity was legendary, and he probably didn't practice safe sex. 38:5, 7

  48. They [the heathen] make a noise like a dog .... Behold, they belch out with their mouths." These are good reasons for God to kill them. 59:6-7, 14

  49. God divides the world into those countries that he likes and those that he doesn't. Those he doesn't like he calls names (like "washpot") and says that he will throw his sandal on them. 60:7-8

  50. God will "wound the head of his enemies" so that the righteous can wash their feet "in the blood of thine enemies, and the tongue of thy dogs in the same." 68:21, 23

  51. The psalmist prays that his enemies be tormented and blinded by God. He asks God to "make their loins continually to shake." 69:23-28

  52. "They that are far from thee shall perish: thou hast destroyed all them that go a whoring from thee." 73:27

  53. The psalmist asks God to " do unto them as unto the Midianites ... which became as dung for the earth." 83:9-18

    Proverbs

  54. Watch out for those evil, strange, and whorish women. 6:24-26

  55. "Whores" and "strange women" lie around waiting to trap innocent men. 23:27-28

  56. "As a dog returneth to his vomit..." 26:11

    Ecclesiastes (None)

    Song of Solomon (None)

    Isaiah

  57. God "will discover their secret parts." 3:16-17

  58. "And ... instead of a sweet smell there shall be stink." 3:24

  59. God will shave men's feet, where "feet" and "hair" are biblical euphemisms for males sexual organs and pubic hair, respectively. 7:20

  60. God causes the Egyptians to err "as a drunken man staggereth in his vomit." 19:14

  61. Tyre "shall commit fornication with all the kingdoms of the world," and her hire shall be holiness to the Lord." 23:17-18

  62. "All tables are full of vomit and filthiness." 28:8

  63. Talking about graven images Isaiah says, "thou shalt cast them away as a menstrous cloth." 30:22

  64. "Tremble, ye women that are at ease .. strip you, and make you bare ... They shall lament for the teats." 32:12

  65. What other book besides the Bible talks about people eating "their own dung" and drinking "their own piss?" And to think Bible believers object to the language in Tom Sawyer! 36:12

  66. "I will feed them that oppress thee with their own flesh; and they shall be drunken with their own blood, as with sweet wine." 49:26

    Jeremiah

  67. Jeremiah's big on calling people and places "whores" and "harlots." 2:20

  68. God compares Jerusalem's sinful ways to a promiscuous woman, or a wild donkey in heat. 2:24

  69. "Thou hast played the harlot with many lovers." 3:1

  70. "In the ways thou hast sat for them ..." A woman can't even sit anymore without being condemned by God. 3:2

  71. Jeremiah loves to insult people. His favorite insult is to call someone a whore. In this verse he accuses Jedah of having a "whore's forehead." 3:3

  72. More talk of harlots who have sex under every tree. 3:6

  73. Judah commits adultery with "stocks and stones." 3:9

  74. Jeremiah just can't quit talking about sex under the trees. 3:13

  75. "Circumcise the foreskins of your heart."  4:4

  76. "As fed horses in the morning: everyone neighed after his neighbor's wife." 5:8

  77. "Behold, their ear is uncircumcised." 6:10

  78. God will cover the earth with dead bodies that will not be buried. "They shall be for dung upon the face of the earth." 8:2

  79. Don't just circumcise your penis. Circumcise you heart as well. 9:26

  80. God compares the destruction of Jerusalem to the rape of a woman who deserves to be raped because she has sinned. 13:22

  81. God plans to expose Jerusalem's private parts to the world by lifting her skirt over her head, so to speak. He's seen her commit whoredoms and abominations and whatnot on the hills, and he's getting darned sick of it! 13:26-27

  82. "Thus saith the LORD of hosts, the God of Israel; Drink ye, and be drunken, and spue, and fall, and rise no more, because of the sword which I will send among you." 27:27

  83. God will kill so many people that the entire earth will be covered with their dead bodies. No one is to mourn them or even bury them; "they shall be dung upon the ground." 16:4, 25:31-33

  84. Jeremiah asks God to make Moab drunk, and predicts that Moab will "wallow in his vomit." 48:26

    Lamentations

  85. Jerusalem is compared to a naked woman who sighs and turns backward. "Her filthiness is in her skirts." 1:8-9

  86. The adversary puts his hand upon "all her pleasant things. 1:10

  87. "Jerusalem is as a menstrous woman." To God this is an insult. 1:17

  88. When God gets angry at you he calls you a drunken whore. 4:21

    Ezekiel

  89. God tells Ezekiel to eat barley cakes that are made with "the dung that cometh out of man." (Yum!) 4:12

  90. God dresses up Jerusalem, cleans off the blood that she was wallowing in, and compliments her on her nice hair and breasts. 16:6-7, 22

  91. Jerusalem was a harlot who had sex with everyone that passed by. 16:15-16

  92. "Thou hast ... madest to thyself images of men, and didst commit whoredom with them." 16:17

  93. "Thou ... hast opened thy feet to every one that passed by." 16:25

  94. "Thou hast also committed fornication with the Egyptians thy neighbours, great of flesh." (Jerusalem had sex with Egyptians with big penises.) 16:26

  95. Jerusalem still wasn't satisfied after having sex with the well-endowed Egyptians (v.26), so she had sex with the Assyrians too. Yet she still wasn't satisfied. So she had sex with the men of Canaan and Chaldea, but still was not satisfied. 16:28-29

  96. God calls Jerusalem "an imperious whorish woman." 16:30

  97. God says that Jerusalem has sex with strangers, hiring them to "come in unto thee on every side." 16:32-33

  98. Because she is such a filthy harlot, God will expose her nakedness before all of her lovers. 16:35-36

  99. After exposing her nakedness, God will give her "blood in fury and jealousy" and strip her naked once more. 16:38-41

  100. Information from God about discovering the nakedness of fathers, committing adultery with neighbor's wives, sex with menstruating women, daughters-in-law, sisters, etc. 22:1-11

  101. "I will consume thy filthiness out of thee." 22:15

  102. Two sisters were guilty of "committing whoredoms" by pressing their breasts and bruising "the teats of their virginity." As a punishment, one sister's nakedness was discovered, her children were taken from her, and she was killed by the sword. And the fate of the surviving sister was even worse: Her nose and ears were cut off, she was made to "pluck off" her own breasts, and then after being raped and mutilated, she is stoned to death. 23:1-49

  103. "Their breasts pressed, and there they bruised the teats of their virginity." 23:3

  104. "Thus she committed her whoredoms with them ... with all their idols she defiled herself." 23:7

  105. "They bruised the breasts of her virginity, and poured their whoredom upon her." 23:8

  106. "And the Babylonians came to her into the bed of love, and they defiled her with their whoredom, and she was polluted with them." 23:17

  107. "So she discovered her whoredoms, and discovered her nakedness ... she multiplied her whoredoms." 23:18-19

  108. Really Big Penises. One of the sister (Aholibah) had lovers "whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses." 23:20

  109. "The lewdness of thy youth, in bruising thy teats by the Egyptians for the paps of thy youth." 23:21

  110. "Thou shalt ... pluck off thine own breasts: for I have spoken it, saith the Lord GOD." 23:34

  111. God gets all excited about cooking with "scum" and human flesh, saying "kindle the fire, consume the flesh, and spice it well, and let the bones be burned." 24:3-14

  112. God makes "all their loins to be at a stand." When this is achieved, God will get out his sword and "cut off man and beast out of thee." Ouch! 29:7-9

    Daniel (None)

    Hosea

  113. God tells Hosea to commit adultery, saying "take ... a wife of whoredoms and children of whoredoms" because the land has "committed great whoredom." So Hosea did as God commanded and "took" a wife named Gomer. 1:2-3

  114. God (or Hosea?) tells his children that their mother is a whore who is not his wife. He asks them to tell their mother to "put away her whoredoms" and "her adulteries from between her breasts" or he'll "strip her naked ... and slay her with thirst." 2:2-3

  115. God "will not have mercy upon ... the children of whoredoms. For their mother hath played the harlot." 2:4-5

  116. Committing whoredom by going a whoring with the spirit of whoredom. 4:10

  117. If you misbehave, God will make your daughters "commit whoredom" and your wife "commit adultery." 4:13

  118. More talk of lewdness and whoredom. 6:9-10

  119. Israel has "gone a whoring" and has "loved a reward upon every cornfloor." 9:1

    Joel

  120. A boy is "given for a harlot" and "a girl for wine." 3:3

    Amos

  121. "A man and his father will go in unto the same maid, to profane my holy name." 2:7

  122. Amos tells Amaziah that his wife will become a whore, his children will be killed, and he'll die in a pagan country. 7:17

    Obadiah (None)

    Jonah (None)

    Micah

  123. "For she gathered it of the hire of an harlot, and they shall return to the hire of an harlot." 1:7

  124. Plucking off skin, flesh from bones, eating human flesh, flaying off skin, breaking bones, chopping bodies in pieces, making human stew. 3:2-3

    Nahum

  125. "Woe to the bloody city!" 3:1

  126. God will "discover thy skirts upon thy face, ... show the nations thy nakedness" and "will cast abominable filth upon thee." 3:4-6