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Therefore the LORD will smite with a scab the crown of the head of the daughters of Zion, and the LORD will discover their secret parts. 3:17

Trivia: Who did God say should never say, "I am a dry tree"?

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Isaiah : Absurdity (122)

  1. The mouth of the Lord 1:20
  2. You will be confounded for the gardens you have chosen. (God hates gardeners.) 1:29
  3. In the last days, God's house will be on the earth's highest mountain. 2:2
  4. Hide from God in a rock or in the dust. 2:10
  5. "When he ariseth to shake terribly the earth."
    (Earthquakes happen when God gets angry.) 2:19, 21
  6. God will take away the tinkling ornaments on women's feet, their cauls, round moon-like tires, chains, bracelets, and mufflers, bonnets, leg ornaments, headbands, tablets, earrings, rings, nose jewels, extra clothes, mantles, wimples, crisping pins, glasses, fine linen, hoods, and veils. 3:18-23
  7. "Instead of a sweet smell there shall be stink ... instead of well set hair baldness ... and burning instead of beauty." 3:24
  8. After God has finished washing away the filth of Jerusalem's women, and purging it's blood with the spirit of burning, he'll create a cloud of smoke by day and a fire at night over every house on mount Zion. 4:4-5
  9. A vineyard son. 5:1-10
  10. Hell is a female with a big mouth that men fall into. 5:14
  11. "He has stretched forth his hand against them ... and the hills did tremble." (God makes earthquakes when he gets angry.) 5:25
  12. "He [God] ... will hiss unto them from the end of the earth." 5:26
  13. "I [Isaiah] saw also the LORD sitting upon a throne." 6:1
  14. Isaiah sees angels with six wings. Two to cover his face, two to cover his feet, and two to fly with. 6:2
  15. When the angels (or God?) cry, the door posts move and the house fills with smoke. 6:4
  16. "Woe is me! ... because I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips." 6:5
  17. An angel touches Isaiah's lips with a live coal. 6:6-7
  18. "The Lord shall hiss for the fly ... and for the bee." 7:18
  19. God will shave men's feet, where "feet" and "hair" are biblical euphemisms for males sexual organs and pubic hair, respectively. 7:20
  20. Isaiah has sex with a prophetess who conceives and bears a son. (You weren't expecting a daughter, were you?) God then tells Isaiah to call his name Mathershalalhashbaz. (It has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?) 8:3
  21. 9/11 was a divine act of terrorism. If we rebuild, God will force us to eat our own arms. (Or something like that.)
    (See WND for the exciting details) 9:10-20
  22. God will "smite the earth with the rod of his mouth, and with the breath of his lips he shall slay the wicked." God must have some pretty bad breath! 11:4
  23. God will girdle his loins with righteousness and his kidneys ("reins" in the KJV) with faithfulness. 11:5
  24. "And the weaned child shall put his hand on the cockatrice' den." A cockatrice is a serpent, hatched from a cock's egg, that can kill with a glance. They are rare nowadays. 11:8
  25. The moon produces its own light and the earth does not move (except when God gets angry and shakes the heavens). 13:10-13
  26. Dragons will live in Babylonian palaces and satyrs will dance there. 13:21-22
  27. Out of the serpent's root shall come forth a cockatrice, and his fruit shall be a fiery flying serpent." What ever happened to these fascinating biblical creatures? 14:29
  28. Every head will be bald, every beard will be shaved, and everyone will howl and weep abundantly. 15:2-3
  29. "Therefore shall Moab howl for Moab, every one shall howl." 16:7
  30. "Wherefore my bowels shall sound like an harp for Moab, and mine inward parts for Kirharesh." 16:11
  31. "Within three years ... the glory of Moab shall be contemned, with all that great multitude; and the remnant shall be very small and feeble." 16:14
  32. God will ride in on a cloud and scare the hell out of the Egyptians. 19:1
  33. Egypt will become weakened and frightened "like unto women" when God shakes his hand over it. 19:16
  34. God tells Isaiah to take off all his clothes and to wander about completely naked for three years as a "sign and a wonder." In this way he will be just like the Egyptian captives who will walk about naked "with their buttocks uncovered." 20:2-5
  35. While walking around naked for three years, Isaiah's loins were filled with pain. 21:3
  36. "In that day did the Lord GOD of hosts call ... to baldness, and to girding with sackcloth." 22:12
  37. "The Lord will ... toss thee like a ball." 22:17-18
  38. Howl, ye ships of Tarshish. 23:1
  39. Howl, ye inhabitants of the isle. 23:6
  40. Howl, ye ships of Tarshish. 23:14
  41. At the end of 70 years, Tyre will sing like a harlot. She will take a harp and go about the city, and sing many songs. 23:15-16
  42. Tyre "shall commit fornication with all the kingdoms of the world," and her hire shall be holiness to the Lord." 23:17-18
  43. God will turn the earth upside down, knock it off of its foundations, and then shake and bake it until it "reels to and fro like a drunkard." 24:1, 18-20
  44. Everyone will sing and rejoice and glorify the Lord in the fires. 24:14-16
  45. "The foundations of the earth do shake ... The earth shall reel to and fro like a drunkard."
    (Earthquakes are all a part of God's wondrous plan.) 24:18-20
  46. Oh God, you've done such wonderful things. You've trashed a city. The city of terrible nations will be afraid of you. 25:1-3
  47. On this mountain, God will make a feast of fat things and wines for everyone. Then he'll destroy on this mountain the veil that covers all nations. And he'll swallow up death in victory. 25:6-8
  48. God will stomp on Moab like straw on a dunghill. 25:10
  49. God will punish the leviathan ("that crooked serpent") with his own sword and will kill the sea dragon. 27:1
  50. "For the Lord shall rise up ... that he may do his work, his strange work; and bring to pass his act, his strange act." 28:21
  51. Natural disasters (earthquakes, storms, fires, tsunamis) are caused by, and are a sign of, God's wrath. 29:7
  52. God performs a "marvelous work and a wonder" by destroying wisdom and understanding. 29:14
  53. "Woe to the rebellious children, saith the LORD, that take counsel, but not of me." 30:1
  54. Among the many strange creatures mentioned in the Bible that no longer seem to exist is the "fiery flying serpent." 30:6
  55. "In returning and rest shall ye be saved." 30:15
  56. "The light of the moon shall be as the light of the sun, and the light of the sun shall be sevenfold." Well, this is one prophecy that will never come true. Since the moon has no light of its own, but only reflects that of the sun, it could never shine like the sun. And the sun will not, at least not while there are humans to see it, shine 7 times as bright as it does now. 30:26
  57. God's lips, tongue, and breath are described for us. 30:27-28
  58. "The LORD shall cause his glorious voice to be heard, and shall shew the lighting down of his armwith the indignation of his anger, and with the flame of a devouring fire, with scattering, and tempest, and hailstones." 30:30
  59. "Through the voice of the LORD shall the Assyrian be beaten down." 30:31
  60. God has bad breath, "like a stream of brimstone. Sometimes he even kindles a fire with it. 30:33
  61. God is furious at everyone and is ready to kill them all. Or as Isaiah so delicately puts it: "Their stink shall come up out of their carcasses, and the mountains shall be melted with their blood." 34:2-3
  62. "The host of heaven shall be dissolved ... and ... shall fall down."
    The stars will dissolve and fall from the sky. 34:4
  63. "And the unicorns shall come down with them." 34:7
  64. Dragons and satyrs may not seem real to you, but they did to the author of these verses. 34:13-14
  65. "In the habitation of dragons, where each lay, shall be grass with reeds and rushes." 35:7
  66. "And an highway shall be there, and a way, and it shall be called The way of holiness."
    Pat Robertson and other whacked out Christians believe "the highway of holiness" is I-35.
    700 Club: I-35 Can Stop Homosexuality 35:8
  67. "When king Hezekiah heard it, that he rent his clothes, and covered himself with sackcloth." 37:1
  68. An angel of God kills 185,000 men. "And when they [those killed by the angel?] arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead men." 37:36
  69. After hearing Hezekiah's prayers and seeing his tears, God promises to add fifteen years to Hezekiah's life. 38:5
  70. God makes the sun move backwards 10 degrees. Now that's a neat trick! 38:8
  71. The grass and the flowers die when God blows on them. The same happens with people. 40:7
  72. "The workman melteth a graven image, and the goldsmith spreadeth it over with gold, and casteth silver chains. He ... chooseth a tree ... to prepare a graven image." God hates Christmas trees 40:19-20
  73. Be quiet, you islands! 41:1

    The islands and the ends of the earth saw it, and were afraid. 41:5

  74. God will "go forth as a mighty man" who cries and roars, and "will cry like a travailing woman." After he tires of roaring and crying he'll "destroy and devour." What a guy. 42:13
  75. "When thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned." 43:2
  76. "I, even I, am the LORD; and beside me there is no saviour."
    Not even Jesus? 43:11
  77. Dragons and owls will thank God for irrigation. 43:20
  78. "He heweth him down cedars ... among the trees of the forest ... yea, he kindleth it, and baketh bread ... he maketh it a graven image ... he roasteth roast, and is satisfied: yea, he warmeth himself, and saith, Aha, I am warm, I have seen the fire." God hates Christmas trees 44:14-16
  79. I make diviners mad and knowledge foolish. 44:25
  80. I dry up oceans and rivers. 44:27
  81. Cyrus is my [God's] shepherd. 44:28
  82. I made the earth with my hands, and stretched out the heavens. 45:12
  83. "I have sworn by myself." 45:23
  84. God set the earth on foundations so it doesn't move, his hand is as big as the universe, and the stars stand up straight when he calls them. 48:13
  85. Your [the Israelites'] seed is like the sand, and your offspring like gravel. 48:19
  86. When the Israelites thirsted, God made water come out of a rock. 48:21
  87. Listen, you islands. God called me [Isaiah] from my mother's womb. He mentioned my name from the bowels of my mother. He made my mouth like a sharp sword. 49:1-2
  88. God engraved the names of his favorite people on the palms of his hands. 49:16
  89. "And kings shall be thy nursing fathers." 49:23
  90. Your mom and I are divorced. Where is the paperwork? Do you know who I sold you to? I sold you and divorced your mom for your sins, not for those of your mother. 50:1
  91. Why was there no one home when I came to visit? Why didn't you answer when I called? 50:2
  92. Has my [God's] hand been shortened? 50:2
  93. I dry up the sea and the rivers, and make their fish stink. I have darkened the sky. 50:2-3
  94. Listen to me, you who seek God. Look at the rock from which you were carved, and to the hole from whence you were dug. 51:1
  95. God cut Rahab (the sea monster) to pieces, wounded the dragon, and dried up the sea. 51:9-10
  96. People who bring good news have beautiful feet. 52:7
  97. "The LORD hath made bare his holy arm in the eyes of all the nations." 52:10
  98. Sing, you barren women! Because God is your husband. 54:1-5
  99. "The sure mercies of David"
    See here for some of David's sure mercies. 55:3
  100. "Thou ... didst increase thy perfumes ... and didst debase thyself even unto hell." (God hates perfume.) 57:9
  101. Bad people hatch poisonous cockatrice eggs. Whoever eats the eggs will die, and when the eggs are crushed a viper hatches out of them. 59:5
  102. Nations that do not serve Israel will perish. 60:12
  103. I [God] will make the place of my feet glorious. 60:13
  104. "Thou shalt ... suck the breast of kings." 60:16
  105. You will have a new name, Hephzibah, given to you by the mouth of God. 62:2-4
  106. Your land will be called Beulah, and it'll be married. 62:4
  107. God has sworn by his right hand that he won't give your corn to your enemies or your wine to the sons of strangers. 62:8
  108. Who is that guy coming from Edom, with dyed garments from Bozrah? (It's God, returning from slaughtering people.) 63:1
  109. Why are you (God) dressed in red, like someone who has treaded a winepress? 63:2
  110. I'll trample them in my fury and their blood will stain all my clothes. 63:3
  111. I'll make the people drunk in my fury. 63:6
  112. Tear the heavens apart, God, and come down to earth. Melt the mountains with your presence. 64:1
  113. Boil the waters, to make your name known. 64:2
  114. When you did terrible things, you came down and the mountains melted. 64:3
  115. Every noble human act, every act of love, courage, and kindness is "an unclean thing", "a filthy rag" to God. 64:6
  116. People who say "I'm holier than thou" are a smoke in God's nose. 65:5
  117. There will be no more childhood deaths, and people will have lifespans of at least 100 years. (Only cursed sinners will die younger than 100.) 65:20
  118. People will live as long as trees. 65:22
  119. There won't be any trouble-makers, because they will be the seed of the blessed. 65:23
  120. Wolves and lambs will eat together, lions will eat straw, and snakes will eat dust. 65:25
  121. Don't worship incorrectly or eat swine flesh (like ham or bacon) or God will have to kill you. 66:17
  122. Immortal worms: "Their worm shall not die" 66:24

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