Isaiah: Absurdity

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Isaiah: Absurdity

The mouth of the Lord 1:20
You will be confounded for the gardens you have chosen. (God hates gardeners.) 1:29
In the last days, God's house will be on the earth's highest mountain. 2:2
Hide from God in a rock or in the dust. 2:10
"When he ariseth to shake terribly the earth."
(Earthquakes happen when God gets angry.) 2:19, 21
God will take away the tinkling ornaments on women's feet, their cauls, round moon-like tires, chains, bracelets, and mufflers, bonnets, leg ornaments, headbands, tablets, earrings, rings, nose jewels, extra clothes, mantles, wimples, crisping pins, glasses, fine linen, hoods, and veils. 3:18-23
"Instead of a sweet smell there shall be stink ... instead of well set hair baldness ... and burning instead of beauty." 3:24
After God has finished washing away the filth of Jerusalem's women, and purging it's blood with the spirit of burning, he'll create a cloud of smoke by day and a fire at night over every house on mount Zion. 4:4-5
A vineyard son. 5:1-10
Hell is a female with a big mouth that men fall into. 5:14
"He has stretched forth his hand against them ... and the hills did tremble." (God makes earthquakes when he gets angry.) 5:25
"He [God] ... will hiss unto them from the end of the earth." 5:26
"I [Isaiah] saw also the LORD sitting upon a throne." 6:1
Isaiah sees angels with six wings. Two to cover his face, two to cover his feet, and two to fly with. 6:2
When the angels (or God?) cry, the door posts move and the house fills with smoke. 6:4
"Woe is me! ... because I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips." 6:5
An angel touches Isaiah's lips with a live coal. 6:6-7
"The Lord shall hiss for the fly ... and for the bee." 7:18
God will shave men's feet, where "feet" and "hair" are biblical euphemisms for males sexual organs and pubic hair, respectively. 7:20
Isaiah has sex with a prophetess who conceives and bears a son. (You weren't expecting a daughter, were you?) God then tells Isaiah to call his name Mathershalalhashbaz. (It has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?) 8:3
9/11 was a divine act of terrorism. If we rebuild, God will force us to eat our own arms. (Or something like that.)
(See WND for the exciting details) 9:10-20
God will "smite the earth with the rod of his mouth, and with the breath of his lips he shall slay the wicked." God must have some pretty bad breath! 11:4
God will girdle his loins with righteousness and his kidneys ("reins" in the KJV) with faithfulness. 11:5
"The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb...." I wonder what will become of the spiders. Will they be more friendly toward flies? And will the parasitic wasps find another way to feed their larvae? Or will they continue to feed off the living bodies of caterpillars? 11:6, 65:25
"And the weaned child shall put his hand on the cockatrice' den." A cockatrice is a serpent, hatched from a cock's egg, that can kill with a glance. They are rare nowadays. 11:8
The moon produces its own light and the earth does not move (except when God gets angry and shakes the heavens). 13:10-13
Dragons will live in Babylonian palaces and satyrs will dance there. 13:21-22
Out of the serpent's root shall come forth a cockatrice, and his fruit shall be a fiery flying serpent." What ever happened to these fascinating biblical creatures? 14:29
Every head will be bald, every beard will be shaved, and everyone will howl and weep abundantly. 15:2-3
"Therefore shall Moab howl for Moab, every one shall howl." 16:7
"Wherefore my bowels shall sound like an harp for Moab, and mine inward parts for Kirharesh." 16:11
"Within three years ... the glory of Moab shall be contemned, with all that great multitude; and the remnant shall be very small and feeble." 16:14
God will ride in on a cloud and scare the hell out of the Egyptians. 19:1
Egypt will become weakened and frightened "like unto women" when God shakes his hand over it. 19:16
God tells Isaiah to take off all his clothes and to wander about completely naked for three years as a "sign and a wonder." In this way he will be just like the Egyptian captives who will walk about naked "with their buttocks uncovered." 20:2-5
While walking around naked for three years, Isaiah's loins were filled with pain. 21:3
"In that day did the Lord GOD of hosts call ... to baldness, and to girding with sackcloth." 22:12
"The Lord will ... toss thee like a ball." 22:17-18
Tyre "shall commit fornication with all the kingdoms of the world," and her hire shall be holiness to the Lord." 23:17-18
God will turn the earth upside down, knock it off of its foundations, and then shake and bake it until it "reels to and fro like a drunkard." 24:1, 18-20
"The foundations of the earth do shake ... The earth shall reel to and fro like a drunkard."
(Earthquakes are all a part of God's wondrous plan.) 24:18-20
God will punish the leviathan ("that crooked serpent") with his own sword and will kill the sea dragon. 27:1
"For the Lord shall rise up ... that he may do his work, his strange work; and bring to pass his act, his strange act." 28:21
God performs a "marvelous work and a wonder" by destroying wisdom and understanding. 29:14
Natural disasters (earthquakes, storms, fires, tsunamis) are caused by, and are a sign of, God's wrath. 29:7
"Woe to the rebellious children, saith the LORD, that take counsel, but not of me." 30:1
Among the many strange creatures mentioned in the Bible that no longer seem to exist is the "fiery flying serpent." 30:6
"In returning and rest shall ye be saved." 30:15
"The light of the moon shall be as the light of the sun, and the light of the sun shall be sevenfold." Well, this is one prophecy that will never come true. Since the moon has no light of its own, but only reflects that of the sun, it could never shine like the sun. And the sun will not, at least not while there are humans to see it, shine 7 times as bright as it does now. 30:26
God's lips, tongue, and breath are described for us. 30:27-28
"The LORD shall cause his glorious voice to be heard, and shall shew the lighting down of his armwith the indignation of his anger, and with the flame of a devouring fire, with scattering, and tempest, and hailstones." 30:30
"Through the voice of the LORD shall the Assyrian be beaten down." 30:31
God has bad breath, "like a stream of brimstone. Sometimes he even kindles a fire with it. 30:33
God is furious at everyone and is ready to kill them all. Or as Isaiah so delicately puts it: "Their stink shall come up out of their carcasses, and the mountains shall be melted with their blood." 34:2-3
"The host of heaven shall be dissolved ... and ... shall fall down."
The stars will dissolve and fall from the sky. 34:4
"And the unicorns shall come down with them." 34:7
Dragons and satyrs may not seem real to you, but they did to the author of these verses. 34:13-14
"In the habitation of dragons, where each lay, shall be grass with reeds and rushes." 35:7
"And an highway shall be there, and a way, and it shall be called The way of holiness."
Pat Robertson and other whacked out Christians believe "the highway of holiness" is I-35.
700 Club: I-35 Can Stop Homosexuality 35:8
"When king Hezekiah heard it, that he rent his clothes, and covered himself with sackcloth." 37:1
An angel of God kills 185,000 men. "And when they [those killed by the angel?] arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead men." 37:36
God makes the sun move backwards 10 degrees. Now that's a neat trick! 38:8
The grass and the flowers die when God blows on them. The same happens with people. 40:7
"The workman melteth a graven image, and the goldsmith spreadeth it over with gold, and casteth silver chains. He ... chooseth a tree ... to prepare a graven image."
God hates Christmas trees 40:19-20
Be quiet, you islands! 41:1
The islands and the ends of the earth saw it, and were afraid. 41:5
God will "go forth as a mighty man" who cries and roars, and "will cry like a travailing woman." After he tires of roaring and crying he'll "destroy and devour." What a guy. 42:13
"When thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned." 43:2
"I, even I, am the LORD; and beside me there is no saviour."
Not even Jesus? 43:11
Dragons and owls will thank God for irrigation. 43:20
"He heweth him down cedars ... among the trees of the forest ... yea, he kindleth it, and baketh bread ... he maketh it a graven image ... he roasteth roast, and is satisfied: yea, he warmeth himself, and saith, Aha, I am warm, I have seen the fire."
God hates Christmas trees 44:14-16
God makes diviners mad, turns wise men backwards, makes knowledge foolish, and dries up the oceans and rivers. King Cyrus is God's shepherd. 44:25-28
"I have sworn by myself." 45:23
God set the earth on foundations so it doesn't move, his hand is as big as the universe, and the stars stand up straight when he calls them. 48:13
God engraved the names of his favorite people on the palms of his hands. 49:16
"And kings shall be thy nursing fathers." 49:23
"I dry up the sea, I make the rivers a wilderness: their fish stinketh, because there is no water, and dieth for thirst."
God brags about the strangest things. 50:2
God cut Rahab (the sea monster) to pieces, wounded the dragon, and dried up the sea. 51:9-10
"The LORD hath made bare his holy arm in the eyes of all the nations." 52:10
"The sure mercies of David"
See here for some of David's sure mercies. 55:3
"Thou ... didst increase thy perfumes ... and didst debase thyself even unto hell." (God hates perfume.) 57:9
Bad people hatch poisonous cockatrice eggs. Whoever eats the eggs will die, and when the eggs are crushed a viper hatches out of them. 59:5
Nations that do not serve Israel will perish. 60:12
"Thou shalt ... suck the breast of kings." 60:16
"I will ... trample them in my fury; and their blood ... will stain all my raiment." (God's clothes will get stained with the blood of humans.) 63:2-6
Every noble human act, every act of love, courage, and kindness is "an unclean thing", "a filthy rag" to God. 64:6
"Which say ... I am holier than thou. These are a smoke in my nose."
People who think they're "holier than thou" are a smoke in God's nose. 65:5
Don't worship incorrectly or eat swine flesh (like ham or bacon) or God will have to kill you. 66:17
Immortal worms: "Their worm shall not die" 66:24