Highlights from the Skeptic's Annotated Bible


  1. The two contradictory creation stories. 1:1-2:3, 2:4-25
  2. God's two magic trees: The tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. 2:9
  3. "In the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die." 2:17
  4. God says that if Adam eats from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, then the day that he does so, he will die. But Adam eats the forbidden fruit (3:6) and yet lives for another 930 years (5:5).
  5. God's clever, talking serpent. 3:1
  6. God's curse of all women. 3:16
  7. "Behold, the man is become as one of us." 3:22
    God expels Adam and Eve from the garden before they get a chance to eat from that other tree -- the tree of life. God knows that if they do that, they will live forever. A spooky thought indeed for an insecure god.
  8. The mark of Cain. 4:15
  9. "And Cain knew his wife."
    That's nice, but where the hell did she come from? 4:17
  10. The "sons of God" copulated with the "daughters of men," and had sons who became "the mighty men of old, men of renown." 6:2-4
  11. "There were giants in the earth in those days." 6:4
  12. Noah, the just and righteous. 6:9, 7:1
  13. God drowns everyone on earth (except Noah and his family). 7:4
  14. Noah, the drunk and naked. 9:20-21
  15. The curse of Canaan. 9:22-25
  16. The Tower of Babel. 11:1-9
  17. Abraham's first "she's my sister" lie. 12:13
  18. Abraham's war to rescue Lot. 14:14-17
  19. Lot [the just and righteous (2 Peter 2:7-8)] offers his daughters to a crowd of angel rapers. 19:8
  20. "The LORD rained upon Sodom and upon Gomorrah brimstone and fire." 19:24
  21. God turns Lot's wife into a pillar of salt. 19:26
  22. A drunken Lot impregnates his daughters. 19:30-36
  23. Abraham's second "she's my sister" lie. 20:2
  24. God closed all the wombs in Abimelech's household to punish him for believing Abraham's lie. 20:18
  25. Abraham abandons his first son, Ishmael. 21:10-14
  26. God tells Abraham to kill his second son (Isaac) for a burnt offering. 22:2
  27. Put your hand under my thigh (testicles) and swear. 24:2, 47:29
  28. Isaac uses his dad's "she's my sister" lie. 26:7
  29. Jacob goes in unto Leah by mistake. 29.25
  30. The great baby making contest. 30:1-23
  31. Rachel buys sex with mandrakes. 30:15-16
  32. Jacob wrestles with God and wins! 32:24-28
  33. Jacob sees God face to face and lives. 32:30
  34. The Shechem and Dinah lovestory massacre. 34:1-25
  35. Reuben has sex with his father's concubine. 35:22
  36. God kills Er for being wicked. 38:7
  37. Onan spills his seed; God kills Onan. 38:9-10
  38. Judah impregnates his daughter in law. 38:16-18
  39. God brought a seven year, "very grievous" famine on the whole earth for no apparent reason (except maybe to make Joseph wealthy). 41:56


  40. God teaches Moses some magic tricks. 4:2-9, 7:8-11, 7:17-20
  41. He hardens the Pharaoh's heart.  4:21, 7:3, 7:13, 9:12, 10:1, 10:20, 10:27, 11:10, 14:4, 14:8
  42. He tries to kill Moses.  4:24-25
  43. God's first plague on the Egyptians: Rivers turned to blood. 7:17-22
    (Pharaoh's magicians knew this trick, too.) 
  44. Second Plague: Frogs. (Pharaoh's magicians do likewise.)  8:2-7
  45. Third Plague: Lice. (Pharaoh's magicians couldn't do this one!)  8:16-18
  46. Fourth Plague: Flies.  8:21-24
  47. Fifth Plague: God kills the cattle.  9:3
  48. Sixth Plague: Boils.  9:9
  49. Seventh Plague: Hail.  9:19
  50. Eighth Plague: Locusts.  10:5
  51. Ninth Plague: Darkness.  10:21
  52. Tenth Plague: God kills firstborn children and animals.  12:29-30
  53. God drowns the Egyptian army. 14:27-28
  54. "The Lord is a man of war."  15:3
  55. "Joshua discomfited Amalek and his people with the edge of the sword." 17:13
  56. God punishes the children for the sins of their fathers. 20:5, 34:7
    (unto the third and fourth generations) 
  57. Instructions for buying a slave.  21:2
  58. Instructions for selling your daughter.  21:7
  59. Instructions for taking a second wife.  21:10
  60. Children who curse or strike their parents are to be killed.  21:15, 17
  61. It's OK to beat a slave as long as he lives a day or two  "for he is his money."  21:20-21
  62. Abortion is not a capital crime.  21:22
  63. "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live."  22:18
  64. You must kill those who worship another god.  22:20
  65. Sabbath breakers must be killed.  31:14-15, 35:2
  66. God tells every man to slay "his brother, companion, neighbor."  32:27
  67. "And the LORD plagued the people, because they made the calf, which Aaron made." 32:35
  68. God shows Moses his "back parts."  33:23
  69. God's name is "Jealous."  34:14


  70. "All the fat is the Lord's." 3:16
  71. Moses puts blood on Aaron's right ear, thumb, and big toe. 8:23-24
  72. God kills Aaron's sons for offering "strange fire before the Lord." 10:1-2
  73. Hares are unclean since they chew the cud. 11:6
  74. Bats are just unclean birds. 11:13,19
  75. Four-legged birds are an abomination to God. 11:20
  76. Insects have four legs. 11:21, 23
  77. Baby girls are twice as dirty as baby boys. 12:1-8
  78. God's cure for leprosy. 14:2-32
  79. What to do if "he that hath the issue spit upon him that is clean." 15:8
  80. What to do "if any man's seed of copulation go out from him." 15:16-18
  81. Menstruating women are unclean to God. 15:19-30
  82. God's law for wet dreams. 15:16-17, 32
  83. Don't look at any naked menstruating women. 18:19
  84. Homosexuality is an abomination to God. 18:22
  85. Don't mix seeds when sowing a field or wear a garment with mixed fibers. 19:19
  86. If you have sex with a slave woman, you must then scourge her. 19:20
  87. Don't round the corners of your head or mar the corners of your beard. 19:27
  88. Children who curse their parents, adulterers, and homosexuals must be killed. 20:9-12
  89. Woman with "familiar spirits" must be stoned to death. 20:27
  90. The unchaste daughters of priests must be burnt to death. 21:9
  91. Handicapped people must not approach the altar. 21:16-23
  92. A man curses and blasphemes while disputing with another man. Moses asks God what to do about it. God says that the whole community must stone him to death. "And the children of Israel did as the Lord and Moses commanded." 24:10-23
  93. God's instructions for buying slaves. 25:45-46
  94. "Ye shall sow your seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it." 26:16
  95. God will "send wild beasts among you, which shall rob your of your children." 26:22
  96. "And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat." 26:29
  97. God places a dollar value on human life; women are worth less (50 - 60%) than men. 27:3-7


  98. God kills Aaron's sons for offering "strange fire before the Lord." 3:4, 26:61
  99. The law of jealousies: What to do if you suspect that your wife has been unfaithful. 5:11-31
  100. God burned people to death for complaining. 11:1
  101. God made the Israelites eat flesh until it came out their nostrils. 11:19-20
  102. "While the flesh was yet between their teeth ... the Lord smote the people with a very great plague." 11:33
  103. God gave Miriaml leprosy. 12:9-10
  104. God will punish you for the sins of your great-great grandfathers. 14:18
  105. God killed the ten spies that gave a discouraging report with a plague. 14:36-37
  106. What to do if you "sin through ignorance." 15:27
  107. A man is stoned to death for gathering sticks on the Sabbath day. 15:32-36
  108. God buries alive Korah and his family. 16:27-35, 26:10
  109. God burns to death 250 men. 16:35, 26:10
  110. God kills 14,700 with a plague. 16:41-50
  111. "The Lord harkened to the voice of Israel, and ... utterly destroyed them and their cities." 21:3
  112. God sends "fiery serpents" to bite the people. 21:6
  113. Moses's amazing serpent of brass. 21:9
  114. God delivers the Amorites into Moses's hands. 21:34-35
  115. Balaam's talking ass. 22:28-30
  116. God's people will "rise up ... and drink the blood of the slain." 23:24
  117. God will "eat up the nations of his enemies, and shall break their bones, and pierce them through with his arrows." 24:8
  118. God tells Moses to "take all the heads of the people and hang them up before the Lord." 25:4
  119. God's hero (Phinehas) thrusts a javelin through a man and his Midianite wife's belly. 25:7-8
  120. God kills 24,000 (23,000 according to 1 Cor.10:8) in a plague. 25:9
  121. A woman can't make a vow unless her husband allows it. 30:3-16
  122. Moses tells his men to kill all the males and non-virgin women, but to keep all the virgins alive for themselves. 31:14-18


  123. God killed all the Israelite soldiers -- slowly. It took him 38 years to kill them all, but he finally got the job done. 2:14-16
  124. The Lord destroyed them before them" -- the general treatment of the people who were supposedly displaced by the Israelites. 2:21-22
  125. At God's instructions, the Israelites "utterly destroyed the men, women, and the little ones" leaving "none to remain." 2:33-35
  126. The Israelites, with God's help, kill all the men, women, and children of 60 cities. 3:3-4
  127. Destroy the altars, images, and places of worship of those with different religions. 7:5
  128. Kill any prophets or "dreamers of dreams" if they say or dream the wrong things. 13:1-5, 18:20
  129. Kill everyone with religious beliefs that are different than your own. (Including your family, friends, and neighbors) 13:6-16, 17:2-7
  130. If you see a pretty woman among the captives then just take her home and "go in unto her." 21:11-14
  131. Rules for a man with two wives: "one beloved, and another hated." 21:15
  132. Kill rebellious or disobedient sons 21:18-21, adulterers 22:22, and rape victims if they fail to cry out loud enough. 22:23-24
  133. Women that wear men's clothing are an "abomination unto the Lord." 22:5
  134. Don't "wear a garment of divers sorts, as of woolen and linen together." 22:11
  135. How to dispose of a hated wife. 22:13-22
  136. Women, be sure to keep the tokens of your virginity. Otherwise the men of your city may stone you to death. 22:13-21
  137. A rapist must buy his victim from her father for 50 shekels. 22:28-29
  138. Cut off a woman's hand if she touches the "secrets" of a man who is fighting with her husband. "And thine eye shall not pity her." 25:11-12
  139. You can't go to church if your testicles are damaged or your penis has been cut off. 23:1
  140. A bastard can't attend church "even to his tenth generation." 23:2
  141. God's rule for wet dreams. 23:10
  142. How to shit in the woods so that God doesn't step in it. 23:12-14
  143. How to divorce your wife if you find "some uncleanness in her." 24:1-4
  144. If you don't obey all of these laws, God will (among many other things) smite you with hemorrhoids, madness, and blindness, burn or starve you to death, have some animals eat you, and snakes bite you. If you still refuse to obey, he will have your wife raped and force you eat your own children.  28:15-68, 32:23-25


  145. "And they utterly destroyed all that was in the city, both man and woman, young and old, and ox, and sheep, and ass, with the edge of the sword." 6:21
  146. A family is stoned and burned to death (along with their animals) to punish the father (Achan) for looking at "the accursed thing." "So the LORD turned from the fierceness of his anger." 7:24-26
  147. Joshua kills all the inhabitants of Ai, burns their city, and hangs their king on a tree. 8:22-31
  148. The Ai massacre 8:30-31
  149. God curses the Gibeonites to be slaves of the Jews forever. 9:21-27
  150. God gets right in and fights with the Israelites. He "slew them with a great slaughter" and even "chased them along the way." What a guy. 10:10
  151. God threw down "great stones from heaven" so that he could kill even more people than the Israelites "slew with the sword." 10:11
  152. God makes the sun and moon stand still so that Joshua could get all his killing done before dark. It was the first Daylight Savings Time. 10:12-13
  153. "The Lord fought for Israel." 10:14
  154. Five kings killed and hung on trees 10:24-26
  155. Joshua, at God's command, kills everyone and everything that he can find -- or, as the Bible puts it, he "utterly destroyed all that breathed, as the Lord commanded." 10:28-42
  156. God and Joshua pretty much kill whoever they haven't yet killed. 11:6-12
  157. Some more giant killing 11:20-21
  158. "For it was of the LORD to harden their hearts, that they should come against Israel in battle, that he might destroy them utterly." 11:20
  159. Remember that God "is a jealous God; he will not forgive your transgressions nor your sins." 24:19


  160. Cutting off the thumbs and big toes of a captured king. 1:6-7
  161. The Israelites killed everyone in Jerusalem and set the city on fire. 1:8
  162. Five massacres, a wedding, and some God-proof iron chariots 1:9-19
  163. God couldn't drive out the valley people because they had chariots of iron. 1:19
  164. God sells the Israelites into slavery. (Five or six times) 2:14, 3:8, 4:2, 6:1, 10:7, 13:1
  165. The spirit of the Lord comes upon Othniel and causes him to go to war. 3:10
  166. Ehud's message from God. 3:20-22
  167. "And they slew of Moab ... about 10,000 men ... and their escaped not a man." 3:28-29
  168. Shamgar kills 600 Philistines with an ox goad. 3:31
  169. "The Lord discomfited Sisera ... with the edge of the sword ... and there was not a man left." 4:15-16
  170. Jael drives a tent stake through her guest's head. For this she is "blessed above women." 4:17-23, 5:24-26
  171. God takes Gideon's fleece/dew test. 6:36-40
  172. God finds a few good men with a dog-lapping test. 7:4-7
  173. "The Lord set every man's sword against his fellow." 7:21
  174. Two princes killed and their heads delivered to Gideon 7:25
  175. Gideon tears the flesh of the elders of Succoth and kills the men of the city. 8:7, 16-17
  176. Abimelech kills 69 brothers "upon one stone." 9:5
  177. God sends an evil spirit. 9:23
  178. A city is massacred and 1000 people burn to death because of God's evil spirit. 9:49
  179. The Ammonite massacre 11:33
  180. Jephthah sacrifices his daughter to God. 11:39
  181. 42,000 die for failing the "Shibboleth" test. 12.6
  182. The spirit of God comes mightily upon Samson (and he kills things). 14:6, 14-16, 19
  183. The spirit of the Lord comes upon Samson and he murders 30 men for their clothes. 14:19
  184. Samson catches 300 foxes, ties their tails together, and sets them on fire. 15:4-5
  185. Samson kills 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass. 15:14-16
  186. Samson goes in unto a harlot. 16:1
  187. Samson kills 3000 in a suicide terrorist attack. 16:27-30
  188. The massacre of the peaceful, unsuspecting people 18:26-27
  189. Gang rape and dismemberment of the Levite's concubine 19:22-30
  190. A holy civil war (It had something to do with rotting body part messages) 20:35
  191. A God-approved genocide to provide wives for 400 of the 600 surviving Benjamites of Godss holy civil war. 21.11-14
  192. 200 virgins of Shiloh are stolen to provide wives for remaining Benjamite holy civil war survivors. 21.19-23


  193. Ruth lies down next to Boaz after "uncovering his feet." 3:7
  194. She tells Boaz to spread his skirt over her. 3:9
  195. She lies at "his feet" until morning. 3:14
  196. She is "purchased" by Boaz for a wife. 4:10
  197. Boaz "goes in unto" Ruth and she conceives a son (King David's grandfather). 4:13-17

    1 Samuel

  198. God kills Eli's sons. 4:11
  199. God smites the Philistines with hemorrhoids in their secret parts. 5:9
  200. God asks the Philistines to make him five golden hemorrhoids. 6:4-5
  201. God kills 50,070 men for looking into the ark of the Lord. 6:19
  202. The Lord thundered with great thunder upon the Philistines. 7:10-11
  203. "I will make a covenant with you, that I may thrust your eyes out." 11:2
  204. The spirit of the Lord comes upon Samuel so he hacks some oxen in pieces and sends the pieces to all the coasts of Israel. 11:7
  205. The Ammonite massacre (and another God-inspired body part message) 11:11
  206. Jonathan's first slaughter 14:4
  207. God forces the Philistines to kill each other. 14:20
  208. God orders Saul to kill every Amalekite "man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass." 15:3
  209. God repents of having made Saul king since Saul refused to carry out God's commandments (i.e., Saul refused to commit complete genocide). 15:11, 18
  210. To please God, Samuel hacks Agag in pieces "before the Lord." 15:32-33
  211. Saul is haunted by "an evil spirit from the Lord." 16:14-16, 23, 18:10, 19:9
  212. David buys a wife with 200 Philistine foreskins (twice the asking price). 18:25-27
  213. God said to David, Go and smite the Philistines. 23:2-5
  214. Killing those that "pisseth against the wall." 25:22, 34
  215. "The Lord smote Nabal, that he died." David then took his property and his wife, Abigail. 25:38
  216. David kills all the Amalekites again (see 15:7-8 where Saul kills them all the first time). 27:8-11
  217. Saul has a witch bring back Samuel from the dead. 28:8-15
  218. After being completely killed off by Saul (15:7-8) and then David (27:8-11), the Amalekites invade again. 30:1
  219. God tells David to smite the Amalekites again. 30:17
  220. God kills Saul, his three sons, and his men because Saul didn't kill the Amalekites (or maybe because he didn't inquire of the Lord). 31:1-4

    2 Samuel

  221. David tells Jonathan that he has given him pleasures more than that of woman. 1:26
  222. David has his "young men" kill people, cut off their hands and feet, and hang them up over a pool. 4:12
  223. Whoever kills the lame and the blind "that are hated of David's soul" shall be made "chief and captain." 5:8
  224. "And David took him more concubines and wives." 5:13
  225. God helps David smite the Philistines from the front and the rear. 5:20, 25
  226. God kills Uzzah for trying to protect the ark from falling. 6:6-7
  227. David dances nearly naked in front of God and everybody. 6:20
  228. David watches a woman bathe, likes what he sees, and "goes in unto her." 11:2-4
  229. God says he will give David's wives to someone else who will "lie with thy wives in the sight of the sun." 12:11-12
  230. To punish David for having Uriah killed, God kills David's newborn son. 12:15-18
  231. Ammon rapes his half-sister. 13:11-14
  232. Absalom "goes in unto" his father's [David's] concubines. 16:21-22
  233. To punish his ten concubines for being raped by his son (See 2 Samuel 16.21-22), David refuses to ever again have sex with them and forces them to "keep house" for the rest of their lives. 20:3
  234. God sends a three-year famine for something Saul did. 21:1
  235. To appease God and end the famine that was caused by his predecessor (Saul), David agrees to have two of Saul's sons and five of his grandsons killed and hung up "unto the Lord." 21:6-9
  236. When David had a census (that God "moved" him to have), God gave him a choice of three punishments: seven years of famine, three months of war, or three days of pestilence. David couldn't decide, so God chose for him and 70,000 men died in a plague. (The details are different in 1 Chronicles, but the principle is the same.) 24:1-15
  237. God kills a couple hundred thousand people to punish David for having a census. 24:15

    1 Kings

  238. Old King David tries to get some heat by having a beautiful virgin minister unto him. 1:1-4
  239. In David's last words, he commands his son Solomon to murder Joab and Shimei. 2:1-9
  240. Solomon kills his brother. 2:13-25
  241. Solomon carries out the deathbed wish of his father David by having Joab and Shimei murdered. 2:29-34, 44-46
  242. Solomon killed and sacrificed 1000 animals to God at Gibeon. 3:4 
  243. Solomon kills 22,000 oxen and 120,000 sheep when dedicating the temple to his bloodthirsty God. 8:63
  244. Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines. 11:3
  245. Ever the playful spirit, God withers, and then restores, the hand of king Jeroboam. 13:4-6
  246. So there were these two prophets. The first prophet lied to the second. To punish the second for believing the first's lie, God sent a lion to kill him. 13:11-24
  247. Killing everyone "that pisseth against the wall." 14:10, 16:11, 21:21
  248. To punish Jeroboam, God killed his son. 14:17
  249. Baasha kills Jeroboam's entire family, leaving none "to breath." This slaughter was done "according to the saying of the Lord." 15:29
  250. Zimri kills all of Baasha's family and friends "that pisseth against a wall ... according to the word of the Lord." 16:11-12
  251. Elijah kills 450 prophets of Baal after beating them in a prayer contest. 18:22-40
  252. The first God assisted "great slaughter" of the Syrians 20:20-21
  253. God kills 100,000 Syrians because they said he was God of the hills. 20:28-29
  254. God killed 27,000 men with a falling wall. 20:30
  255. A son of a prophet said to his neighbor, "Smite me." But the neighbor refused. So God sent a lion to devour him. 20:35-36
  256. If you grovel before God, then he won't punish you; He'll punish your children instead. 21:29
  257. God puts a lying spirit into the mouth of prophets. 22:22-23
  258. God killed Ahab for showing mercy to king Benhadad. 22:35

    2 Kings

  259. Elijah proves that he is a man of God by burning to death 102 men. 1:10, 12
  260. God kills Ahaziah for consulting another God. 1:16-17
  261. God sends two bears to rip up 42 little children for making fun of Elisha's bald head. 2:23-24
  262. The Lord delivered the Moabites. 3:18-25
  263. Elisha makes his servant (Gehazi) and all of his descendants lepers forever. 5:27
  264. Elisha makes an iron axe head swim. 6:6
  265. God answers Elisha's prayer by smiting his adversaries with blindness. 6:18
  266. Mothers boiling and eating their own children. 6:28-29
  267. "Behold, this evil is from the Lord." 6:33
  268. A skeptic is trampled to death. 7:17-20
  269. God sends a famine on the people that lasts for seven years. 8:1
  270. God vows to "cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall." 9:8
  271. God pays back Ahab by killing his son. 9:24-25
  272. God has Jezebel thrown off a wall and feeds her body to the dogs. 9:33-37
  273. All seventy of king Ahab's sons are killed, their heads put in baskets, and sent to Jehu. (God was punishing Ahab for not killing a captured king. See 1 Kings 20:42) 10:1-10
  274. "So Jehu slew all that remained of the house of Ahab in Jezreel, and all his great men, and his kinsfolks, and his priests, until he left him none remaining." 10:11
  275. "They took them alive, and slew ... two and forty men."
    Jehu meets with 42 brothers of Ahaziah, and then he murders them. 2 Chronicles 22:7 says that his killing was "of God." 10:13-14
  276. Jehu shows off his "zeal for the Lord" by murdering the rest of Ahab's family in Samaria. 10:16-17
  277. Jehu assembled the followers of Baal and then slaughtered them all. 10:18-28
  278. God rewards Jehu for murdering Ahab and his family. 10:30
  279. God, the divine physician, strikes king Azariah with leprosy. 15:5
  280. God sends lions to devour the Samaritans because "they knew not the manner of the God of the land." 17:25-26
  281. "That they may eat their own dung and drink their own piss with you" 18:27
  282. An angel of the Lord kills 185,000 men while they sleep. "And when they arose, behold, they were all dead corpses." 19:35
  283. God caused king Sennacherib to be murdered by his sons. 19:36-37
  284. Isaiah makes the sun move ten degrees backwards. 20:11
  285. God will "bring such evil upon Jerusalem and Judah, that whosoever heareth of it, both his ears shall tingle." 21:12

    1 Chronicles

  286. "Er ... was evil in the sight of the LORD; and he slew him." 2:3
  287. The sons of Reuben made war with the Hagarites and "there fell down many slain, because the war was from God." 5:18-22
  288. "Saul ... inquired not of the Lord: therefore he slew him." 10:13-14
  289. God kills Uzza for trying to keep the ark from falling. 13:9-10
  290. "David therefore did as God commanded him: and they smote the host of the Philistines." 14:16
  291. David tortures all the inhabitants of several cities with saws, harrows of iron, and axes. 20:3
  292. God kills a couple hundred thousand people because David had a census. 21:1-14
    (See 2 Sam.24:1-15 for a different version of this story.)
  293. God repents. (It's about time!) 21:15

    2 Chronicles

  294. "Rehoboam ... took eighteen wives, and threescore concubines; and begat twenty and eight sons, and threescore daughters." 11.21
  295. "The Lord struck him (Jeroboam) and he died." 13:20
  296. "Abijam waxed mighty, and married fourteen wives." 13:21
  297. Whoever does not seek the God of Israel should be executed. 15:13
  298. Asa, when he had a foot disease, went to physicians instead of seeking the Lord. (God disapproves of those who seek medical help rather than "seeking the Lord." 16:12
  299. God puts lies into the mouths of his prophets. 18:22
  300. He killed Ahab for showing mercy to king Benhadad. (See 1 Kings 20:42) 18:33
  301. Hate the sinner, or God will pour out his wrath upon you. 19:2
  302. God fought for Judah by forcing the members of the opposing army to kill each other. 20:14-25
  303. He killed Jehoram by making his bowels fall out. 21:18-19
  304. He killed Jehoram's sons. 22:1
  305. He killed Joash, the princes of Judah and the Judean army. 24:20-25
  306. He destroyed Amaziah. 25:15-27
  307. He made Uzziah a leper for burning incense without a license. 26:19-21
  308. He smote Ahaz with the King of Syria. 28:4-5
  309. He sent the king of the Chaldees to kill all the "young men with the sword." He had "no compassion upon young man or maiden, old man, or him that stooped for age: he gave them all into his hand." 36:16-17


  310. Check out the contradictions between the boring lists given in Ezra 2 and Nehemiah 7.
  311. The Israelites offend God by "taking" foreign wives and thereby corrupting the "holy seed." 9:2
  312. When Ezra hears of the intermarriages he tears his clothes, plucks out his hair and beard, and sits down astonished. 9:3
  313. Ezra tells the men that they must abandon their "strange" wives and children if they want to avoid God's wrath. 10:2-3, 10-12


  314. Check out the contradictions between the boring lists given in Ezra 2 and Neh.7.
  315. Nehemiah rebukes the men for marrying "strange wives." To punish them he "contended with them, and cursed them, and smote certain of them, and plucked off their hair." 13:25-27


  316. King Ahasuerus throws a party and encourages his guests to drink to excess. Then, when they are all drunk, he orders Queen Vashti to show her stuff before him and his guests. 1:7-11
  317. Queen Vashti (the real heroine of the Book of Esther) refuses to display herself in front of the king's drunken guests. 1:7-12
  318. For her refusal, Vashti is stripped of her crown and came "no more before king." 1:13-19
  319. Because of Vashti's disobedience the king decrees that "all the wives shall give to their husbands honor" and "that every man should bear rule over his own house." 1:20-22
  320. "All the fair young virgins" throughout the kingdom are brought before the king and the one that "pleaseth" him the most will replace Queen Vashti. 2:2-4
  321. Esther wins the pleasing the king babe contest. 2:8-9
  322. But since women are dirty, she must be "purified" for twelve months before she can be made queen. 2:12
  323. Esther has Haman and his ten sons hung. 7:10, 9:13
  324. At Esther's request, the king orders everyone in the empire who planned to kill Jews to be killed by Jews, along with their wives and children. 8:9-19
  325. The Jews kill everyone who ever had a bad thought toward them, along with their Jew-hating families. 9:1-16



  326. "My God ... thou hast broken the teeth of the ungodly." 3:7
  327. God hates sinners. 5:5
  328. Dead people neither remember God nor give him thanks. 6:5
  329. "God will whet his sword; he hath bent his bow ... He hath ... prepared ... the instruments of death." 7:11-13
  330. "Thou hast destroyed cities." 9:6
  331. God hides from those who need him the most. 10:1
  332. "His eyelids try the children of men." 11:4
  333. God will rain fire and brimstone upon "wicked" people. 11:6
  334. Atheists are fools who never do anything good. 14:1, 53:1
  335. "At thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore." 16:11
  336. Smoke comes out of God's nose and fire comes out of his mouth. 18:8
  337. God rides upon cherubs and can fly. 18:10
  338. The God of Peace teaches us to kill our neighbors in war. 18:34, 144:1
  339. God helps believers kill and enslave their enemies. 18:40-43
  340. If you make God angry, he'll burn you and your children to death and shoot you in the back with his arrows. 21:9-12
  341. Hate people, but trust in God. 31:6
  342. Those who are poor or hungry just aren't seeking God enough. 34:9, 37:3
  343. God laughs at those he will later torment. 37:13
  344. "My loins are filled with a loathsome disease." 38:7
  345. God's clothes smell like myrrh, aloes, and cassia. 45:8
  346. If you forget God, he will tear you in pieces. 50:22
  347. If you don't trust God, he'll kill you, and while you're dying the "righteous" will laugh at you. 52:5-6
  348. Bad people are bad from birth -- God made them that way. 58:3
  349. "Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth, ... let them be cut pieces." 58:6-8
  350. "The righteous" will rejoice when they see "the wicked" being dismembered by God. They'll "wash their feet in the blood of the wicked." 58:10
  351. The heathen "make a noise like a dog ... Behold, they belch out with their mouths." 59:5-7
  352. God will "wound the head of his enemies" and the righteous will dip their feet in their blood. 68:21-23
  353. "Let their eyes be darkened ... and make their loins continually to shake." 69:23
  354. The earth is stationary and does not move. 93:1, 104:5
  355. God heals all diseases. Medical science is unnecessary. 103:2-3
  356. God will "fill the places with dead bodies." 110:6
  357. "The dead praise not the Lord." 115:17
  358. God is praised for slaughtering little babies. 135:8
  359. "To him that smote Egypt in their first born: for his mercy endures forever." 136:10
  360. Happiness is smashing your little children against rocks. 137:9
  361. "If I make my bed in hell, behold thou art there." 139:8
  362. "Do not I hate them, O Lord? ... I hate them with a perfect hatred." 139:19-22
  363. A prayer that God will burn people to death. 140:10
  364. "Praise the LORD ... ye dragons." 148:7


  365. God will laugh at your misfortunes, mock you when you are afraid, and ignore you when your ask him for help. 1:26-28

  366. Watch out for those strange, brawling, angry, contentious, adulterous, odious women. 2:16-18, 5:3-5, 6:24-26, 7:5-27, 21:19, 22:14, 23:27-28, 25:24, 27:15, 30:20, 30:23

  367. Foolish women are simple and know nothing; they drag innocent men into hell. 9:13

  368. "As a jewel of gold in a swine's snout, so is a fair woman which is without discretion." 11:22

  369. Beat the hell out of your children. 13:24, 19:18, 22:15, 23:13-14, 29:15

  370. "The blueness of a wound cleanseth away evil; so do stripes the inward parts of the belly." 20:30

  371. The wicked shall be a ransom for the righteous. 21:18

  372. Beat your slaves just like you do your children. Don't try to correct them with words. 29:19

  373. If you mock your father or disobey your mother, the ravens will pick out your eyeballs and feed them to the eagles. 30:17


  374. "There is nothing better for a man, than that he should eat and drink, and that he should make his soul enjoy good in his labour." 2:24
  375. "To everything there is a season." 3:1
  376. "There is no good ... but for a man to rejoice, and to do good in his life." 3:12
  377. "Every man should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all his labour." 3:13
  378. "For that which befalleth the sons of men befalleth beasts; even one thing befalleth them: as the one dieth, so dieth the other; yea, they have all one breath; so that a man hath no preeminence above a beast." 3:19
  379. "All go unto one place; all are of the dust, and all turn to dust again." 3:20
  380. "Who knoweth the spirit of man that goeth upward, and the spirit of the beast that goeth downward to the earth?" 3:21
  381. "There is nothing better, than that a man should rejoice in his own works." 3:22
  382. "Better is a poor and a wise child than an old and foolish king." 4:13
  383. "A fool's voice is known by multitude of words." 5:3
  384. "It is better to hear the rebuke of the wise, than for a man to hear the song of fools." 7:5
  385. "I applied mine heart to know, and to search, and to seek out wisdom, and the reason of things." 7:25
  386. "A man hath no better thing under the sun, than to eat, and to drink, and to be merry." 8:15
  387. "For to him that is joined to all the living there is hope: for a living dog is better than a dead lion." 9:4
  388. "For the living know that they shall die: but the dead know not any thing, neither have they any more a reward; for the memory of them is forgotten." 9:5
  389. "Go thy way, eat thy bread with joy, and drink thy wine with a merry heart." 9:7
  390. "Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might; for there is no work, nor device, nor knowledge, nor wisdom, in the grave, whither thou goest." 9:10
  391. "The race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all." 9:11
  392. "Walk in the ways of thine heart, and in the sight of thine eyes." 11:9
  393. "Of making many books there is no end; and much study is a weariness of the flesh." 12:12

    Song of Solomon

  394.  "Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine. 1:2
  395.  "He shall lie all night betwixt my breasts." 1:13
  396. "I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste." 2:3
  397.  "His left hand is under my head, and his right hand doth embrace me ... stir not up, nor awake my love, till he please." 2:6-7, 8:3-4
  398. "My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies." 2:16
  399. "I had brought him ... into the chamber of her that conceived me ... stir not up, nor awake my love, till he please. 3:4-5
  400. "Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins." 4:5, 7:3
  401. "How much better is thy love than wine!" 4:10
  402. "Come ... blow upon my garden, that the spices thereof may flow out. Let my beloved come into his garden, and eat his pleasant fruits." 4:16
  403. "I have drunk my wine ... O friends; drink, yea, drink abundantly." 5:1
  404. "Open to me, my sister, my love, my dove, my undefiled." 5:2
  405.  "My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him." 5:4
  406. "I opened to my beloved; but my beloved had withdrawn himself." 5:6
  407. "The joints of thy thighs are like jewels." 7:1
  408. "Thy navel is like a round goblet, which wanteth not liquor: thy belly is like an heap of wheat set about with lilies." 7:2
  409.  "Thy breasts shall be as clusters of the vine." 7:8
  410. "I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate." 8:2
  411.  "We have a little sister, and she hath no breasts ... [But] my breasts [are] like towers." 8:8, 10


  412. "When ye spread forth your hands, I will hide mine eyes from you: yea, when ye make many prayers, I will not hear." 1:15
  413. "God will "smite with a scab the crown of the head of the daughters of Zion" because he dislikes the way they dress and walk. 3:16
  414. "The Lord will discover their secret parts." 3:17
  415. "The Lord shall hiss for the fly ... and for the bee." 7:18
  416. God will make every man kill his brother and then force him to eat "the flesh of his own arm." 9:19-20
  417. "He shall smite the earth: with the rod of his mouth, and with the breath of his lips shall he slay the wicked." 11:4
  418. If God can find you, he will "thrust you through," smash your children "to pieces" before your eyes, and rape your wife. 13:15-18
  419. "Prepare slaughter for his children for the iniquity of their fathers." 14:21
  420. "Out of the serpent's root shall come forth a cockatrice, and his fruit shall be a fiery flying serpent." 14:29
  421. Every head will be bald, every beard will be shaved, and everyone will howl and weep abundantly. 15:2-3
  422. "Wherefore my bowels shall sound like an harp." 16:11
  423. God will ride in on a cloud and scare the hell out of the Egyptians. 19:1
  424. God sends a "perverse spirit" among the Egyptians and causes them to err "as a drunken man staggereth in his vomit." 19:14
  425. God tells Isaiah to take off all his clothes and to wander around completely naked for three years as a "sign and a wonder." 20:2-5
  426. "Therefore are my loins filled with pain ... I was dismayed at the seeing of it." 21:3
  427. "She shall turn to her hire, and shall commit fornication with all the kingdoms of the world ... and her hire shall be holiness to the LORD." 23:17-18
  428. The Apocalypse of Isaiah: God will destroy the earth, burning everyone and every living thing alive (except maybe a few men). 24:1-6
  429. "The earth shall reel to and fro like a drunkard ... it shall fall, and not rise again." 24:20
  430. "All tables are full of vomit and filthiness." 28:8
  431. "Thou shalt cast them away as a menstrous cloth." 30:22
  432. "The light of the moon shall be as the light of the sun, and the light of the sun shall be sevenfold." 30:26
  433. "The Lord ... will bring evil." 31:1-2
  434. "Tremble, ye women that are at ease ... strip you, and make you bare." 32:11
  435. "There stink shall come up out of their carcasses, and the mountains shall be melted with their blood." 34:2-3
  436. God's sword is "filled with blood." He plans to kill so many people that the "land will be soaked with blood." 34:5-8
  437. "That they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you." 36:12
  438. God will "go forth as a mighty man" who cries and roars, and "will cry like a travailing woman." 42:13
  439. God created evil. 45:7
  440. "Make bare the leg, uncover the thigh ... Thy nakedness shall be uncovered." 47:2-3
  441. God will force people to "eat their own flesh" and be "drunken with their own blood." 49:26
  442. "Thou shalt also suck the milk of the Gentiles, and shalt suck the breast of kings." 60:16
  443. God's clothes will get stained with the blood of humans. 63:3-6
  444. God will "plead with all flesh" with his fire and sword. "And the slain of the Lord shall be many." 66:16
  445. The carcasses of those killed by God will be piled high. They will rot and burn forever. 66:24


  446. Circumcise the foreskin of your heart or God will burn you to death. 4:4
  447. He will bring evil to entire cities, destroying all their inhabitants. 4:6-8
  448. He will send lions, wolves, and leopards to tear people to pieces. 5:6
  449. He just can't hold in his fury any longer. He will kill everyone: husbands and wives, children and old people. 6:11
  450. He will punish the men by taking away their property, including their wives, and giving it to others. 6:12
  451. He will kill pretty much everyone: fathers and sons, family, friends, and neighbors. He plans to kill them all after laying a stumbling block before them. 6:21
  452. He will pour out his anger on both man and beast. Not even the trees will be spared from his wrath. And the ground itself will burn forever. 7:20
  453. He will feed people to the birds and the beasts and no one will scare them away. 7:33
  454. He will cover the earth with dead bodies that will not be buried. "They shall be for dung upon the face of the earth." 8:2
  455. People will choose to kill themselves, rather than be killed by their vicious God. 8:3
  456. To punish men, he will "give their wives unto others." 8:10
  457. He will send serpents to cockatrices to bite you. 8:17
  458. He will give the people bad food and water, and then kill them with a sword. 9:15-16
  459. He will kill children and young men, and the dead bodies "shall fall as dung .... and none shall gather them." 9:21-22
  460. He is the source of evil. 11:11, 16:10-11, 19:3, 23:12, 26:3,13,19, 32:42, 35:17, 36:3, 36:31, 40:2, 42:10, 44:2, 45:5, 49:37, 51:64
  461. He forbids others from praying for his victims. Such prayers would be useless anyway, he says, because he "will not hear them in their time of trouble." 11:14
  462. He will punish people by killing their young men in war and starving their children to death. 11:22
  463. His sword will "devour" everyone until "no flesh shall have peace." 12:12
  464. He will make everyone drunk and then "dash the fathers and the sons together." He vows to "not pity, nor spare, nor have mercy, but destroy them." 13:13-14
  465. He tells Jeremiah not to pray for the people. God has decided to kill them all and he doesn't want to be talked out of it. 14:11-12, 15:1
  466. God promises to kill everyone by war, starvation, and disease. 14:12, 24:10, 29:17-18, 42:17-18, 22
  467. He will destroy by famine and sword those who are misled by the prophets. 14:16
  468. He plans to kill people with swords, tear their flesh with dogs, and feed their bodies to the birds and beasts. Why? Because of something some former king did. 15:2-4
  469. He will kill children, make more widows than there are grains of sand, terrorize cities, and then kill the survivors. 15:7-9
  470. He told Jeremiah not to get married or have children, because he will kill everyone (mothers and daughters, fathers and sons). They all "shall die of grievous deaths," and shall neither "be lamented" nor buried, but "shall be as dung upon the face of the earth." For he has removed peace, "lovingkindness," and mercy from the people. 16:1-7
  471. When the people ask why God is killing everyone, he answers by saying, "Because your fathers have forsaken me." 16:10
  472. He will make parents eat their own children, and friends eat each other. 19:7-9
  473. He will kill everyone, "both man and beast," with a "great pestilence." 21:6
  474. He will force all of Israel to get drunk. Then, he'll kill them all with a sword. 25:27-29
  475. He will kill so many people that the entire earth will be covered with their dead bodies. No one is to mourn them or even bury them, "they shall be as dung upon the ground." 25:33
  476. He will bring evil on all flesh. 45:5
  477. On the day of the Lord, God's sword will become drunk with blood. 46:10
  478. He plans to kill just about everybody. "No city shall escape" and "cursed be he that keepeth back his sword from blood." 48:8-10
  479. He will cause the daughters of Rabbah to be burned to death. 49:2
  480. He will "break in pieces" pretty much everyone and everything he can think of. 51:21-23
  481. He will get the Babylonians drunk and then kill them all, leading them "like lambs to the slaughter." 51:39-40
  482. God will force the Babylonians to get so drunk that they die from alcohol poisoning. 51:57


  483. Jerusalem is compared to a naked woman who sighs and turns backward. "Her filthiness is in her skirts." 1:8-9
  484. The adversary puts his hand upon "all her pleasant things." 1:10
  485. "The LORD hath trodden the virgin ... as in a winepress." 1:15
  486. "Jerusalem is as a menstrous woman." (To God this is an insult.) 1:17
  487. ""He hath bent his bow like an enemy ... and slew all that were pleasant to the eye ... he poured out his fury like fire." 2:4
  488. God mercilessly kills everyone, young and old. He even causes women to eat their children. 2:20-22
  489. He is like a bear or a lion who secretly pursues you and then tears you apart. 3:10-11
  490. He shoots people with his bow and breaks their teeth with stones. 3:13-16
  491. "Out of the mouth of the most High proceedeth not evil and good?"
    (Mostly evil, I'd say -- at least if you believe the Bible.) 3:38
  492. "Thou hast slain, thou hast not pitied." 3:43
  493. "Thou hast covered thyself with a cloud, that our prayer should not pass through." 3:44
  494. He "accomplishes his fury" on the Israelites by starving children to death and forcing their mothers to eat them. 4:4-11
  495. Rejoice and be glad, O daughter of Edom ... Thou shalt be drunken, and shalt make thyself naked." (When God gets angry at you he calls you a drunken whore.) 4:21


  496. Ezekiel sees God's loins ("the glory of the Lord"), which were on fire. 1:27, 8:2
  497. At God's command, Ezekiel eats a book that tastes as sweet as honey. 2:9 - 3:3
  498. If a good person does something wrong after God "lays a stumbling block before him," God will kill him. "He shall die in his sin" and whatever good he has done will be forgotten. 3:20, 18:24-26
  499. The spirit (of God?) enters Ezekiel, ties him up, and makes his tongue stick to the roof of his mouth so that he could no longer speak. 3:24-26
  500. God makes Ezekiel lay on his right side for 390 days, and then on his left side for another 40 days. 4:4-8
  501. He tells Ezekiel to bake and eat bread that is made with the "dung that cometh out of man." 4:12
  502. He tells him to shave his head and beard, divide the cut hair into thirds, burn one portion, smite the second with a knife, and scatter the third in the wind. 5:1-3
  503. He will force fathers to eat their sons and sons to eat their fathers and will cause every man's sword to be against his brother. 5:10, 38:21-23
  504. God will slaughter everyone by killing one third with plagues, one third with famines, and one third with wars. If any somehow survive, he'll send "evil beasts" to devour them. Finally, after he's done killing, he "will be comforted." 5:11-17
  505. He plans to kill everyone with plagues, famines, and wars. If any survive, he'll send beasts to devour them. He will decorate the land with human bones and dead bodies. 5:17, 6:5
  506. He tells Ezekiel to clap his hands and stamp his feet while saying, "they shall fall by the sword, by the famine, and by the pestilence." 6:11
  507. "The end is come upon the four corners of the land ... Now is the end come." 7:3-6
  508. God will pour out his fury on everyone, with pity toward none. By so doing he says that "ye shall know that I am the Lord that smiteth." 7:3-11
  509. He is mad at everyone and no one will escape his wrath. He'll kill them all -- good and bad, just and unjust -- with war, disease, and starvation. He will ignore them when they beg for mercy. "Horror shall cover them" and "they shall know that I am the Lord." 7:14-27, 8:18, 21:3-5
  510. A detached hand grabbed Ezekiel by the hair and raised him up between heaven and earth. 8:3
  511. God marks the foreheads of the men who will be saved. All of the women and unmarked men will be slaughtered. He will "fill the courts with the slain" and will have pity on no one. 9:4
  512. God will kill nearly everyone in one way or another (sword, famine, pestilence), but he'll leave a few men standing "to declare their abominations among the heathen." 12:15-16
  513. He dislikes women and pillows. "Woe to the women that sew pillows ... behold, I am against your pillows." 13:17-21
  514. He deceives some of his prophets and then kills them for believing his lies. 14:9, 20:25
  515. He dresses up Jerusalem, cleans off the blood that she was wallowing in, and compliments her on her nice hair and breasts. 16:8
  516. Seeing that it is the time for love, God spreads his skirt over Jerusalem to cover her nakedness. 16:8
  517. After exposing her nakedness, God will give her "blood in fury and jealousy" and strip her naked once more. Then he'll have her stoned "with stones and thrust through with swords." 16:38-41
  518. His ex-girlfriend (Jerusalem) had sex with every man that passed by. She especially liked the Egyptians with big penises. If no one was available, she "committed whoredom" with "images of men." 16:15-26
  519. A just man never gets near a menstruating woman. 18:5-6
  520. "For she doted upon their paramours, whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses." 23:20
  521. "They shall take away thy nose and thine ears ... Thou shalt ... pluck off thine own breasts: for I have spoken it, saith the Lord." 23:25, 34
  522. God gets all excited about cooking human flesh and "scum." 24:3-10
  523. He killed Ezekiel's wife to demonstrate his intention to kill the Israelites' children. Just as God told Ezekiel not to mourn his wife's death, God forbids the parents to mourn the death of their children. 24:15-24
  524. God will vex hearts, destroy nations, brandish his sword, kill animals, and cause floods. In this way people will come to know him. 32:9-15
  525. If a "righteous" person does something wrong, God will forget every good thing that that person has ever done. Then God will kill him for the single mistake. 33:12-13
  526. He showed Ezekiel how to join together dead people's bones and then bring them back to life. (The leg bone connected to the thigh bone.) 37:7-10
  527. He is preparing a feast for the birds and beasts. They will eat human flesh until they're full and drink human blood until they're drunk. 39:4, 17-20


  528. Nebuchadnezzar decrees that anyone who says anything against the Hebrew god "shall be cut in pieces, and their houses shall become a dunghill." 3:29
  529.  Daniel's dream tree is tall enough to see to the end of the earth. Only on a flat earth would this be possible. 4:10-11
  530.  Nebuchadnezzar eats grass, grows hair like eagle feathers, and has nails like bird claws. 4:32-33
  531. A detached hand writes upon a wall. 5:5-6
  532.  Nebuchadnezzar orders those who accused Daniel (including their wives and children) to be cast into the lions den. 6:24


  533. God told Hosea to commit adultery, saying "take ... a wife of whoredoms and children of whoredoms" because the land has "committed great whoredom." So Hosea did as God commanded and "took" a wife named Gomer. 1:2-3
  534. He told Hosea to name his baby girl "Loruhamah," which means unloved. 1:6
  535. Hosea tells his children that their mother is a whore who is not his wife. He asks them to tell their mother to "put away her whoredoms" and "her adulteries from between her breasts" or he'll "strip her naked ... and slay her with thirst." 2:2-3
  536. God will not have mercy upon children if they are the children of whoredoms. 2:4-5
  537. "Now will I discover her lewdness in the sight of her lovers, and none shall deliver her out of mine hand." 2:10
  538. God tells Hosea to love an adulteress. So Hosea buys (another?) wife for a homer and a half of barley. 3:1-2
  539. Committing whoredom by going a whoring with the spirit of whoredom. 4:10-12, 5:3-4
  540. ;If you misbehave, God will make your daughters "commit whoredom" and your wife "commit adultery." 4:13
  541. Even more whoredom! "They have committed whoredom continually." 4:14-18
  542. More lewdness and whoredom. 6:9-10
  543. "I will send a fire upon his cities." 8:14
  544. "Thou hast gone a whoring from thy God, thou hast loved a reward upon every cornfloor." 9:1
  545. "The prophet is a fool, the spiritual man is mad." 9:7
  546. "Though they bring up their children, yet will I bereave them." 9:12
  547. "O Lord: what wilt thou give? give them a miscarrying womb and dry breasts." 9:14
  548. "Yea, though they bring forth, yet will I slay even the beloved fruit of their womb." 9:16
  549. God will punish Israel by "dashing" together mothers and their children. 10:14
  550. "The LORD ... shall roar like a lion." 11:10
  551. God will rip humans apart and eat them like a lion. 13:7-8
  552. "Their infants shall be dashed in pieces, and their women with child shall be ripped up." 13:16


  553. "Awake, ye drunkards, and weep; and howl, all ye drinkers of wine, because of the new wine; for it is cut off from your mouth." 1:5
  554. "The day of the LORD cometh, for it is nigh at hand." 1:15, 2:1, 3:14
  555. The animals are perplexed and cry out to God after he torments them by burning their food and drying up the rivers. 1:18-20
  556. On "the day of the Lord", everything and everyone will be burned to death. 2:3
  557. People will try to commit suicide but will not be able to. 2:8
  558. And there will be earthquakes, the sun and the moon will be dark, and the stars will no longer shine. 2:10
  559. God will repay Israel for the damage the locusts caused -- which he sent! And they will "praise the name of the Lord." 2:25-26
  560. He will show off all his magic tricks. Blood, fire, smoke, eclipses. 2:30-31
  561. "I will sell your sons and your daughters ... for the Lord hath spoken it." 3:8
  562. "Beat your plowshares into swords and your pruninghooks into spears." 3:10


  563. The divine pyromaniac threatens to "send fire unto" Hazel, Gaza, Tyrus, Teman, Rabbah, Moab, and Judah. 1:4 - 2:5
  564. "A man and his father will go in unto the same maid, to profane my holy name." 2:7
  565. All evil comes from God. 3:6
  566. God afflicted the Israelites with "cleanness of teeth" (famine), drought, blasting, and mildew. He killed them with pestilence, slaughtered them with the sword, and "made the stink of their camps come up into their noses." And yet they still didn't return to him. What is wrong with people? 4:6-10
  567. Woe is everyone (especially musicians and wine drinkers). 6:1-6
  568. God burned up the earth and sea, and then he repented for it. 7:4-6
  569. He stands on a wall holding a plumb line while he talks to Amos. 7:7
  570. "Thus saith the LORD; Thy wife shall be an harlot in the city, and thy sons and thy daughters shall fall by the sword ... and thou shalt die in a polluted land." 7:17
  571. God shows Amos a basket of summer fruit and tells him that the end has come. 8:1-2
  572. "There shall be many dead bodies in every place." 8:3
  573. "I will cause the sun to go down at noon, and I will darken the earth in the clear day." 8:9
  574. "I will bring up sackcloth upon all loins, and baldness upon every head." 8:10
  575. Amos sees God standing on the altar. 9:1
  576. God will kill "the last of them with the sword," and any that try to escape by diving to the bottom of the sea will be bitten, at God's command, by a serpent. God will set his "eyes upon them for evil, not for good." 9:1-4


  577. The Israelites hear "a rumor from the Lord" telling them to start a war with the Edomites. 1, 8
  578. God tells the Israelites to "destroy the wise men out of Edom" and to slaughter "everyone of the mount of Esau." 8-9
  579. "The day of the Lord is near." If so, it must have come and past, unnoticed, long before the birth of Jesus. 15
  580. God will burn all the heathen to death, "for the LORD hath spoken it." 16-18


  581. Jonah fled "from the presence of the Lord." (There are some places where even God can't find you.) 1:3, 10
  582. God made "a great fish" swallow Jonah, who stayed in the fish's belly for three days and three nights. 1:17
  583. Jonah prays to God from his fish-belly hell. 2:1-2
  584. "The LORD spake unto the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land." 2:10
  585. After hearing Jonah preach, everyone in Nineveh turned to God, including all the animals. Jonah must be one hell of a preacher! 3:5
  586. All the animals in Ninevah covered themselves with sackcloth and cried "mightily unto God." 3:8
  587. "God repented of the evil, that he had said that he would do unto them." 3:10
  588. God prepared a gourd to shade Jonah's head, a worm to destroy the gourd, and then a drying wind and baking sun that made Jonah wish he was dead. 4:6-8


  589. God will come down to earth to melt mountains and split valleys. 1:3-4
  590. God will destroy Samaria with stones. 1:6
  591. "I will wail and howl, I will go stripped and naked: I will make a wailing like the dragons, and mourning as the owls." 1:8
  592. "Evil came down from the Lord." 1:12
  593. Micah says "woe" to those that devise evil in 2:1, but only two verses later, God says he is devising evil against "this family." Woe is God. 2:1, 3
  594. "Behold, against this family do I devise an evil." 2:3
  595. Plucking off skin, flesh from bones, eating human flesh, flaying off skin, breaking bones, chopping bodies in pieces, making human stew. 3:2
  596. When they "cry unto the Lord ... he will not hear them: he will even hide his face from them at that time." 3:4
  597. Like a young lion "the remnant of Jacob" will tear the Gentiles to pieces. 5:8
  598. God will destroy entire cities, and "execute vengeance in anger and fury upon the heathen such as they have not heard." 5:14-15
  599. God will make his people sick, hungry, and desolate. Those who survive he will "give up to the sword." 6:13-16
  600. "Trust ye not in a friend, put ye not confidence in a guide: keep the doors of thy mouth from her that lieth in thy bosom."
    Advice like this is only found in the Bible. 7:5
  601. The Gentiles will be made deaf, shall lick dust and be forced to crawl like worms from fear of God and his people. 7:16-17


  602. Whirlwinds, tornadoes, earthquakes, and fires are caused by God and are signs of his anger. He dries up oceans and rivers, melts mountains, and throws stones. 1:3-6
  603. He doesn't just get even. He drowns his enemies. 1:8
  604. There is "much pain in all loins." 2:10
  605. God will "discover thy skirts upon thy face ... show the nations thy nakedness ... and will cast abominable filth upon thee." 3:4
  606. God punished Nineveh by enslaving the people and smashing the little children in the streets. 3:10
  607. "Behold, thy people in the midst of thee are women." I guess this ("You're all just a bunch of women.") was the biggest insult God could think of at the moment. 3:13
  608. God says that "the fire shall devour thee, the sword shall cut thee off, it shall eat thee up like the cankerworm." 3:15


  609. "Drink thou also and let thy foreskin be uncovered." 2:16
  610. "God ... had horns coming out of his hand. ... Before him went the pestilence, and burning coals went forth at his feet." 3:3-5
  611. "The sun and moon stood still in their habitation." 3:11
  612. Habakkuk praises God for slaughtering "the heathen." 3:12
  613. "Thou didst walk through the sea with thine horses." 3:15
  614. "When I heard, my belly trembled ... rottenness entered into my bones." 3:16


  615. God plans to kill every living thing. 1:2-3
  616. He will "cut off" all those who "have not sought the Lord" or who worship another god. 1:4-6
  617. He "will punish the princes, and the king's children, and all such as are clothed with strange apparel." 1:8
  618. "The day of the LORD is at hand." 1:7, 1:14
  619. God doesn't have night-vision, so he needs candles when he comes to punish the people that say, "The LORD will not do good, neither will he do evil." 1:12
  620. He will "bring distress upon men" so that they "walk like blind men." He will pour out their blood like dust and "their flesh as dung." 1:17
  621. Hide from God and hope he doesn't find you. 2:1-3
  622. God will kill all the inhabitants of the sea coast. 2:5
  623. He will destroy Moab and Ammon just like he did to Sodom and Gomorrah. 2:9
  624. He will kill the Ethiopians with his own sword. 2:12
  625. "Every one that passeth by her [Assyria] shall hiss, and wag his hand." 2:15
  626. God brags about destroying cities and killing all of the inhabitants. 3:6
  627. "All of the earth shall be devoured with the fire" of God's jealousy. 3:8
  628. The Singing God: "God will joy over thee with singing." 3:17


  629. God huffs, and he puffs, and he blows the house down! 1:9
  630. After God blew the houses down, the Israelites repaired their own houses while ignoring the temple. So God sent a drought to punish them. 1:9-11
  631. In "a little while" God "will shake the heavens, and the earth, and the sea, and the dry land." 2:6
  632. "The silver is mine, and the gold is mine, saith the LORD of hosts." 2:8
  633. Be careful not to let any holy flesh touch any food or wine, because if you do your flesh won't be holy any more. 2:12
  634. God sent blight and hail upon the Israelites, yet they still didn't return to him. 2:17
  635. God will make the horses and their riders be killed by "the sword of his brother." 2:22


  636. Zechariah's conversation with an angel, a man in a myrtle tree, some horses of different colors, and God. Chapters 1 - 6.
  637. God has seven eyes that "run to and fro through the whole earth." 4:10
  638. Zechariah sees a 30 foot flying scroll that burns down the houses of thieves and liars. 5:1-4
  639. God will "set all men one against his neighbor." 8:10
  640. "Thus saith the LORD of hosts ... ten men ... shall take hold of the skirt of him that is a Jew." 8:23
  641. Someday we'll see God flying over us with his lightning-like arrows. He'll be blowing his trumpet and sending whirlwinds down south. 9:14
  642. God "will hiss for them." 10:8
  643. "He shall pass through the sea with affliction, and shall smite the waves in the sea, and all the deeps of the river shall dry up." 10:11
  644. "I will no more pity ... saith the LORD: but, lo, I will deliver the men every one into his neighbour's hand ... And I will feed the flock of slaughter." 11:6-7
  645. God will force everyone to eat "the flesh of another." 11:9
  646. He will open his eyes and smite "every rider with madness ... and every horse ... with blindness." 12:4
  647. A prophet must be killed by his own parents by "thrusting him through when he prophesieth." 13:3
  648. God will "go forth and fight" with "his feet" on the mount of Olives. 14:3
  649. On the day of the Lord, the mount of Olives will be split in two and half the mountain will be removed. 14:4
  650. God will smite the people with plagues that will cause their flesh, eyes, and tongues to rot away. 14:12
  651. He will make everyone fight and kill his or her neighbor. 14:13
  652. He sends his plagues on animals too. 14:15
  653. Whoever survives all these plagues and slaughters must worship God. 14:16


  654. God, for some strange reason, "hated Esau." 1:3
  655. God also hates the Edomites, and his hatred will last forever. 1:4
  656. He continues to demand animal sacrifices. And not just any animals will do. He is insulted when blind, lame, or sick animals are killed for him. 1:8, 13-14
  657. Give glory to God or he will curse you. 2:2
  658. "Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces." 2:3
  659. When God spreads dung upon your face, you'll know where it came from. 2:4
  660. God will curse you if you don't give him money and meat. 3:8
  661. God will burn "the wicked" and the "righteous" will walk around on their ashes. 4:1-3
  662. The Old Testament ends fittingly with these words: "lest I come and smite the earth with a curse." 4:6


  663. Jesus strongly approved of the law and the prophets. He had no objection to the cruelties of the Old Testament and said that its laws will be binding forever. 5:17
  664. To avoid sin, Jesus told his followers to cut off their hands and pluck out their eyes. This advice was given immediately after he said that anyone who looks with lust at a women commits adultery. 5:29, 18:8
  665. Jesus told his disciples not to pray in public. 6:5-6
  666. He said that most people are going to hell. 7:13-14
  667. He sent some devils into a herd of pigs, causing them to run off a cliff and drown in the waters below. 8:32
  668. Families will be torn apart because of Jesus (this is one of the few "prophecies" in the Bible that has actually come true). "Brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death." 10:21
  669. Jesus came to destroy families by making family members hate each other. He came "not to send peace, but a sword." 10:34-37
  670. He condemned entire cities to dreadful deaths and to the eternal torment of hell because they didn't care for his preaching. 11:20-24
  671. He spoke in parables so that no one would understand him, "lest ... they ... should understand ... and should be converted, and I should heal them." 13:10-15
  672. "For whosoever hath, to him shall be given, and he shall have more abundance: but whosoever hath not, from him shall be taken away even that he hath." Isn't this from the Republican Party platform? 13:12, 25:29
  673. Jesus was rejected by those who knew him best -- the people of his home town of Nazareth. 13:55-57
  674. Herod thought Jesus was a resurrected John the Baptist. Apparently, it was a common opinion at the time. 14:2, 16:13-14
  675. Jesus told his followers that he would return and establish his kingdom within their lifetime. 16:28, 23:36, 24:34
  676. Abandon your wife and children for Jesus and he'll give your a big reward. 19:29
  677. Matthew's Jesus rode into Jerusalem sitting on both an ass and a colt (must have taken some practice!). 21:2-7
  678. "His blood be on us, and on our children." This verse blames the Jews for the death of Jesus and has been used to justify their persecution for twenty centuries. 27:25
  679. When Jesus appeared to his disciples after he rose from the dead, some doubted. 28:17


  680. Jesus casts out a godly "unclean spirit." 1:23-25
  681. He heals "all that were diseased" by casting out devils. The devils knew Jesus, but Jesus told them to shut up about it. 1:32-34
  682. Although the disciples weren't sure about Jesus even after his alleged resurrection, the "unclean spirits" knew that he was "the son of God." But Jesus told them not to tell anyone. 3:11-12
  683. Jesus's friends think he is insane. 3:21
  684. The scribes think that Jesus casts out devils by the power of the prince of devils, Beelzebub. 3:22
  685. Jesus is angry at those who said that he had an unclean spirit, so he announces the unforgivable sin: blasphemy against the Holy Ghost. 3:29
  686. He shows disrespect for his mother and family by asking, "Who is my mother, or my brethren?" when he is told that his family wants to speak with him. 3:31-34
  687. He explains why he speaks in parables: to confuse people so they will go to hell. 4:10-12
  688. He says that those who have been less fortunate in this life will have it even worse in the life to come. 4:25
  689. He sends the devils into 2000 pigs, causing them to jump off a cliff and be drowned in the sea. 5:11-17
  690. He is rejected by those who knew him the best, the people from his home town of Nazareth. 6:2-5
  691. Any city that doesn't "receive" the followers of Jesus will be destroyed in a manner even more savage than that of Sodom and Gomorrah. 6:11
  692. Jesus criticizes the Jews for not killing their disobedient children according to Old Testament law. 7:9-10
  693. He refused to cast out a devil from a Greek woman's daughter, calling the woman a "dog". After much pleading, he finally agrees to cast out her daughter's devil. 7:25-30
  694. He put his fingers in a deaf man's ears, then spit and touched his tongue. This treatment immediately cured him. 7:32-35
  695. He cured a blind man by spitting in his eyes. 8:22-23
  696. There were various opinions about the identity of Jesus. Some thought he was Elijah or one of the prophets. And many thought he was a risen John the Baptist. 8:27-28
  697. Jesus falsely prophesied that the end of the world would come within his listeners' lifetimes. 9:1, 13:30
  698. He said that John the Baptist was Elijah, but John the Baptist explicitly denied it in John 1:21. 9:13
  699. He tells us to cut off our hands and feet, and pluck out our eyes to avoid going to hell. 9:43-49
  700. He will reward men who abandon their wives and families. 10:29-30
  701. He kills a fig tree for not bearing figs, even though it was out of season. 11:13-14
  702. There is no sex or marriage in heaven. 12:18-25
  703. Ointment for Jesus' head is more important than helping the poor. 14:3-7
  704. These verses are not found in the earlier manuscripts and are therefore considered later additions. 16:9-20
  705. The risen Jesus transformed himself into a different form, appearing as a completely different person. 16:12-13
  706. "He that believeth not shall be damned." 16:16
  707. True followers of Christ routinely perform the following tricks: cast out devils, speak in tongues, handle poisonous snakes, drink poisons without harm, and cure the sick by touching them. 16:17-18


  708. John the Baptist says that Christ will burn the damned "with fire unquenchable." 3:17
  709. The genealogy of Jesus given here is entirely different than that in Mt.1:6-16. 3:23-31
  710. Peter and his partners (James and John) abandon their wives and children to follow Jesus. 5:11
  711. People who are rich, well-fed, happy, or respected are going to hell. 6:24-26
  712. John the Baptist, who is about to die, is still unsure about Jesus. 7:19
  713. Jesus speaks in parables so "that seeing they might not see, and hearing they might not understand." 8:10
  714. He falsely predicts that some of his listeners would live to see him return and establish the kingdom of God. 9:27
  715. Entire cities will be violently destroyed and the inhabitants "thrust down to hell" for not "receiving" his disciples. 10:10-15
  716. The disciples are thrilled that "even the devils are subject" to them. To this Jesus replies, "I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions ... and nothing shall by any means hurt you."  10:17-19
  717. Jesus thanks God that only the ignorant and foolish will listen to him. 10:21
  718. He insults his mother (the Most Holy Blessed Virgin Mary). 11:27-28
  719. He calls his critics fools, thus making himself, by his own standards (Mt.5:22), worthy of "hell fire." 11:40
  720. He blames all the deaths of the prophets (from Abel to Zacharias) on his generation. 11:47-52
  721. He says that we should fear God since he has the power to kill us and then torture us forever in hell. 12:5
  722. The unforgivable sin: blasphemy against the Holy Ghost. 12:10
  723. God is like a slave-owner who tortures and chops his slaves in pieces. 12.46-47
  724. Jesus says that his disciples must hate their families (mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, husbands, wives, children) and themselves. 14:26
  725. If you want to be a disciple of Jesus, you must abandon everything, including your family. 14:33
  726. "That which is highly esteemed among men [love, wisdom, honesty, courage, etc.] is an abomination in the sight of God." 16:15
  727. Abandon your wife and family for Jesus and he'll give you a big reward. 18:29-30
  728. God is like an unjust king who takes what is not rightly his, reaps what he didn't sow, and has those who don't want to be ruled by him slaughtered in front of him. 19:12-27
  729. Jesus says that everyone will hate Christians, and some Christians will be killed, yet no Christian will be harmed in any way. 21:16-18
  730. He says that all that he describes (his return, signs in the sun, moon, and stars, etc.) will occur within the lifetime of his listeners. 21:32


  731. Jesus told Nathaniel that he would see heaven open and angels descend upon Jesus. Nathaniel never saw it; neither has anyone else. 1:51
  732. He believed the stupid and vicious story from Numbers 21. (God sent snakes to bite the people for complaining about the lack of food and water. Then God told Moses to make a brass snake to cure them from the bites.) 3:14
  733. Those who, for whatever reason, do not believe in Jesus are tormented forever in hell. 3:18, 8:24, 15:6
  734. The wrath of God is on all unbelievers. 3:36
  735. Jesus magically perceived that a Samaritan woman had been married and divorced five times previously. (He could spot a divorced woman a mile away.) 4:7-18
  736. He believed people are crippled by God as a punishment for sin. He told a crippled man, after healing him, to "sin no more, lest a worse thing come unto thee." 5:14
  737. The people of Nazareth, who knew Jesus well, (his family, friends, and neighbors) didn't believe in him. 6:42, 7:5
  738. Jesus says we must eat his flesh and drink his blood if we want to have eternal life. 6:53
  739. A man was born blind so that Jesus could show off his powers by curing him of his blindness. 9:1-3
  740. Jesus spits on the ground, mixes his spit with the dirt, and rubs the muddy spit on (or in?) a blind man's eyes. 9:6
  741. Everyone that ever lived before Jesus was a thief and a robber. 10:8
  742. Many of those who saw Jesus firsthand thought he was mad and possessed by a devil. 10:10
  743. Lazarus suffered and died (or pretend to die) so that Jesus could be "be glorified" by raising him from the dead. 11:4
  744. Mary wastes expensive ointment on Jesus' feet, rather than selling the ointment and giving the money to the poor. But Jesus thinks his feet are more important, saying that poor people will always be around, but he and his precious feet won't be. 12:3-8
  745. Jesus was wrong about seeds. If a seed dies, it dies. It only produces a new plant if it stays alive (in a dormant stage) until it germinates. Dead seeds bring forth no fruit. 12:24
  746. You must hate your life in order to keep it. (If you love your life, you'll go to hell after you die.) 12:25
  747. God hardened the hearts of the Jews to prevent them from believing in Jesus. 12:40
  748. Those who believe in Jesus will be able to perform even greater miracles than he did! 14:12
  749. If you don't like Jesus, then you don't like God. (You're a damned God hater.) 15:23
  750. Christians always get whatever they ask for in prayer. 15:7, 16; 16:23
  751. The Jews are blamed for the death of Jesus. 19:7-15
  752. After his resurrection, Jesus could walk through walls. 20:19, 26
  753. Jesus implies that he will return to earth during the lifetime of John. 21:22


  754. While Jesus went up to heaven, two angels (men in white) stop by to tell the disciples that Jesus will return in the same way he just left them (by beaming up/down via transporter). 1:10-11
  755. Whoopie! It's Pentecost: A mighty wind comes, cloven tongues of fire sit on top of heads, everyone acts drunk and talks in languages they don't understand. 2:2-13
  756. Peter says that their strange behavior (speaking in tongues, etc.) was to be expected since they were living in "the last days." 2:17
  757. Imagine no possessions: The early Christians were the first communists. 2.44-45, 4.32-35
  758. Peter and God scare Ananias and his wife to death for not forking over all of the money that they made when selling their land. 5:1-10
  759. The sick were healed just by touching the shadow of Peter. 5.15-16
  760. Holy prison breaks. 5.19, 12.7-10, 16.26
  761. Philip made "unclean spirits" scream as they left the bodies of the people they possessed. 8:7
  762. The Spirit caught Philip and transported him to a city miles away. 8:39-40
  763. The road to Damascus (three different versions) 9.3-6, 22.6-10, 26.13-15
  764. Jesus blinds Paul. 9.8-9
  765. Peter has a dream in which God shows him "wild beasts, and creeping things, and fowls." The voice (God's?) says, "Rise, Peter: kill and eat." 10:10-13, 11.5-10
  766. More speaking in tongues. 10.45-46, 19.1-6
  767. If a husband believes, his whole family is automatically saved. 11.13-14, 16.31
  768. Herod killed James to please the Jews. 12.1-3
  769. The "angel of the Lord" killed Herod by having him "eaten of worms" because "he gave not God the glory." 12:23
  770. The talking ghost: "The Holy Ghost said, Separate me Barnabas and Saul for the work whereunto I have called them." 13.2
  771. Paul and the Holy Ghost make Elymas (the sorcerer) blind. 13:8-11
  772. The blasphemous, envious, murderous, Christ-killing Jews. 5.30, 7.51-52, 9.17-18, 10.39, 13.45-46, 50; 14.2-5; 17.5, 13; 18.5-6, 12; 20.19; 21.17-40; 23.12, 27; 26.21
  773. "It seemed good to the Holy Ghost, and to us." 15.28
  774. Paul circumcised Timothy. 16.1-3
  775. God forbids Paul to preach in Asia. 16.6-7
  776. Paul expels a soothsaying spirit of divination. 16.16-18
  777. He shaves his head as a part of a vow. 18.18
  778. After only two years of preaching, everyone in Asia had heard the word of the Lord! 19.10
  779. Sick people were cured by touching the handkerchief or apron of Paul. And the evil spirits went out of them." 19:12
  780. The first Christian book burning. 19:19
  781. Eutychus was the first casualty of many long boring sermons. 20:9
  782. After listening to Paul's speech, everyone took off their clothes, threw dust in the air, and told the soldiers to kill him. 22.22-23
  783. The first hunger strike: "The Jews banded together, and bound themselves under a curse, saying that they would neither eat nor drink till they had killed Paul." 23.12
  784. Paul's Malta snakebite story. (There are no poisonous snakes on Malta.) 28.3-6


  785. The existence and nature of God are self-evident; thus, unbelievers are "without excuse." 1:20
  786. God abandons those who don't know him to "uncleanness and vile affections." 1:24-26
  787. God will make you gay! 1:26-27
  788. Paul condemns homosexuals (including lesbians). This is the only clear reference to lesbians in the Bible. 1:26
  789. "The natural use" of women is to act as sexual objects for the pleasure of men. 1:27
  790. "God gave them over to a reprobate mind." 1:28
  791. Homosexuals (those "without natural affection") and their supporters (those "that have pleasure in them") are "worthy of death." 1:31-32
  792. Paul asks the very good question: "Is there unrighteousness who taketh vengeance [upon innocent people]?" The obvious answer to this is, yes. 3:5
  793. Those who slander (or criticize?) Paul are damned by God. 3:8
  794. The guilty are "justified" and "saved from wrath" by the blood of an innocent victim. 5:9-12
  795. God gave the law so "that the offence might abound." 5:20
  796. If you have a living body, you can't please God and Christ isn't in you. 8:8-10
  797. Everyone is predestined by God to be either saved or damned. 8:29-30, 9:11-12
  798. No one can oppose Christians since God's on their side. 8:31
  799. "He that spared not his own Son" shouldn't be trusted by anyone. 8:32
  800. A Christian cannot be accused of any wrongdoing. 8:33
  801. If you are a child of the flesh, you are not the seed of God. Whatever that might be. 9:8
  802. He hated Esau. No one knows why. 9:13
  803. He blinded the Jews so they wouldn't recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 11:7-10
  804. Jews are Paul's enemies, but he loves them for their ancestors' sakes. 11:28
  805. Gentiles used to be unbelievers, but now the Jews are the unbelievers and God saves gentiles through Jewish unbelief. 11:30
  806. Non-believing Jews will obtain mercy through the mercy of believers. 11.31
  807. "The powers that be are ordained of God." Whoever resists them will be damned. 13:1-4
  808. Paul couldn't list the Ten Commandments. [Neither could Jesus (Mt.19:17-19)] 13:9
  809. Only wimps are vegetarians. 14:2
  810. "Let every man be fully persuaded in his own mind." 14:5
  811. "He that doubteth is damned ... Whatsoever is not of faith is sin." 14:23
  812.  Shun those who disagree with your religious views. 16:17

    1 Corinthians

  813. Paul expected Jesus to return within the lifetime of his followers. 1:7-8, 10:11, 10:11, 15:51-52
  814. Christians started out divided (into followers of Paul, Apollos, Cephas, or Christ), and it has remained so ever since. 1:12, 3:4
  815. Poor Paul is confused. First he says that he baptized no one. Well, except for Crispus and Gaius. And maybe Stephanus and his household. He can't remember if he did it to anyone else. 1:14-16
  816. God: the destroyer of wisdom 1:19-20
  817. "It pleased God by the foolishness of preaching to save them that believe." 1:21
  818. If you are to be a good Christian you must try to know nothing (except for Jesus, of course). 2:2
  819. Christians can judge everything and everybody (including angels!), but no non-Christian can judge them. 2:15, 6:3
  820. Get saved by burning your work. 3:15
  821. Christians should become ignorant fools. 3:18-20, 4:10, 8:2, 14:38
  822. Forget Jesus. Follow Paul! 4:16
  823. Delivering people to Satan for the destruction of the flesh so that Jesus can save their spirits. 5:5
  824. Zeroth Corinthians 5:9
  825.  Paul lists ten things that will keep you out of heaven, including homosexuality and being "effeminate." 6:9-11
  826. Everything is lawful to Paul and he submits to no law. 6:12, 10:23
  827. "It is good for a man not to touch a woman." 7:1
  828. "I would that all men were even as I myself." 7:7
  829. Slaves should not desire their freedom. 7:21
  830. Those who are unmarried should never marry. 7:27
  831. There's no time for sex or marriage since the world will be ending soon. 7:29
  832. Gentiles sacrifice to devils. If you have gentile friends, then you are friends with devils. 10:20
  833.  "The head of the woman is the man." 11:3
  834. If a woman refuses to cover her head in church, then her head must be shaved. 11:5-6
  835. Men are made in the image of God; women in the image of men. Women were created from and for men. 11:7-9
  836. God likes short hair on men and long hair on women. 11:13-15
  837. "I thank my God, I speak with tongues more than ye all." 14:18
  838. "Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience." 14:34
  839. "If they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church." 14:35
  840. "If any man love not the Lord Jesus Christ, let him be Anathema." 16:22

    2 Corinthians

  841. Saved people smell good to God. 2:15
  842. God blinds people to prevent them from seeing the truth. 3:14-15
  843. "The god of this world" (Satan?) has blinded the minds of nonbelievers. 4:3-4
  844. "Walk by faith, not by sight." (Don't look where you're going.) 5:7
  845. "The terror of the Lord" 5:11
  846. Jesus, who was without sin, was made into sin. This made the real sinners sinless. 5:21
  847. Keep away from unbelievers. Neither marry nor be friends with them. 6:14-17
  848. "Give; not grudgingly, or of necessity: for God loveth a cheerful giver."
    The televangelist's favorite verse! 9:7
  849. "For your liberal distribution unto them, and unto all men ... Thanks be to God." God loves liberals! 9:13-15
  850. Christians cannot be freethinkers, since all their thoughts and imaginings must be brought into captivity in obedience to Christ. 10:5
  851. There were these guys that Paul once knew, but he just can't remember whether it was in or out of the body. It was sort of an out of body experience. Anyway, one of these guys was way up in the third heaven and the other guy was in paradise. He heard stuff, too, but it's illegal to talk about it. 12:2-4
  852. Paul says he "will not spare" when he comes back to punish those who have sinned. 13:2
  853. Are you a reprobate? Here's the test: if you know for sure that Jesus is in you, you're not a reprobate. Otherwise you are. 13:5
  854. "Greet one another with an holy kiss." 13:12


  855. Those who try to follow the law are cursed 3:10
  856. Jesus was cursed by God. 3:13
  857. "If ye be circumcised, Christ shall profit you nothing." 5:2
  858. "I would they were even cut off which trouble you." (The New Revised Standard Version translates this verse as: "I wish those who unsettle you would castrate themselves!") 5:12
  859. Witches, idol worshippers, and heretics will not go to heaven. (Guess where they'll be going.) 5:20-21
  860. "See how large a letter I have written unto you with mine own hand." 6:11
  861. "Many ... desire to have you circumcised, that they may glory in your flesh." 6:12-13


  862. We are predestined by God to go to either heaven or hell. None of our thoughts, words, or actions can affect the final outcome. 1:4-5, 11
  863.  God had his son murdered to keep himself from hurting others for things they didn't do. 1:7
  864. Satan is the "prince of the power of the air." 2:2
  865. We are all "by nature the children of wrath." 2:3
  866. "Be no more children, tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine." (Reject the Bible and all religious belief.) 4:14
  867. "Hath given himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweetsmelling savour." The bloody death of Jesus smelled good to God. 5:2
  868. No "unclean person" or "idolater" will inherit the kingdom of God. The wrath of God is on them. Don't associate with them. 5:5-7
  869. Wives must submit to their husbands "in every thing" as though they were gods. "For the husband is the head of the wife." 5:22-24
  870. Slaves must obey their masters "as unto Christ." 6:5


  871. "It pleased the Father ... having made peace through the blood of his cross." 1:19-20
  872. "The gospel ... was preached to every creature ... under heaven." 1:23
  873. "Beware lest any man spoil you through philosophy." 2:8
  874. "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord." 3:18
  875. "Servants [slaves], obey in all things your masters according to the flesh; not with eyeservice, as menpleasers; but in singleness of heart, fearing God." 3:22
  876. "Read the epistle from Laodicea." 4:16

    1 Thessalonians

  877. Paul, with his usual modesty, proclaims that he is holy, just, and blameless. 2:10
  878. He accuses the Jews of killing Jesus, persecuting the prophets, displeasing God, and being "contrary to all men." The wrath of God will "come upon them to the uttermost." 2:14-16
  879. Paul would have come to visit the Thessalonians but Satan stopped him. 2:18
  880. He expected Jesus to return within his lifetime and those of his followers. 2:19, 3:13, 4:15-17, 5:23
  881. "Every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour." 4:4
  882. "We which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air." Christians get the idea of the rapture from this verse. 4:17
  883. "Prove all things; hold fast to what is good." 5:21
  884. "Greet all the brethren with an holy kiss." 5:26

    2 Thessalonians

  885. "Jesus ... in flaming fire taking vengeance on them that know not God ... who shall be punished with everlasting destruction." 1:7-9
  886. "Be not soon shaken in mind ... by letter as from us."
    What letter is being referred to here? Is it 1 Thessalonians? If so, then should Christians not read it to avoid being "shaken in mind?" 2:2
  887. Jesus will "consume" the wicked "with the spirit of his mouth." 2:8
  888. Satan, not God, is all-powerful. 2:9
  889. "God shall send them strong delusion, that they should believe a lie: That they all might be damned." 2:11-12
  890. "God hath from the beginning chosen you to salvation." 2:13
  891. Those who disagree with the views expressed in this epistle are to be shunned. 3:6, 14
  892. Those who will not or cannot work should starve to death. 3:10

    1 Timothy

  893. Ignore "fables and endless genealogies." (Like Gen.10, 1 Chr.1-9, Mt.1, and Lk.3:23-38) 1:4
  894. Homosexuals are lawless, disobedient, unholy, and profane. 1:10
  895. "Hymenaeus and Alexander; whom I have delivered unto Satan, that they may learn not to blaspheme." 1:20
  896. Women are to dress modestly, "with shamefacedness" -- "not with braided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array." 2:9
  897. "Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence." 2:11-12
  898. Men are superior to women since Adam was made before, and sinned after, Eve. But even though women are inferior to men, they shouldn't be discouraged because they shall "be saved in childbearing." 2:14-15
  899. "In the latter times some shall depart from the faith" by becoming vegetarians. 4:1-4
  900. "Bodily exercise profiteth little." 4:8
  901. Real widows are "desolate" and pray "night and day." But those widows that experience pleasure are "dead while [they] live." 5:5-6
  902. You should help a widow only if she : is over 60 years old, had only one husband, has raised children, has lodged strangers, has "washed the saints feet," has relieved the afflicted, and has "diligently followed very good work." Otherwise, let them starve. "But the younger widows refuse [to help]: for ... they will marry; having damnation." Besides the young widows are always idle tattlers -- "busybodies, spreading things which they ought not ... some are already turned aside after Satan." 5:9-15
  903. Publicly humiliate those who sin by announcing their sins in front of God and everybody so "that others may also fear." 5:20
  904. Stop drinking water. Drink wine for your "stomach's" sake. 5:23
  905. "Let as many servants as are under the yoke count their own masters worthy of all honour, that the name of God and his doctrine be not blasphemed." 6:1
  906. "Charge them that are rich in this world, that they be ... ready to distribute." 6:17-18
  907. Avoid "science falsely so called" -- especially if it disagrees with the Bible. 6:20

    2 Timothy

  908. "If we deny him, he also will deny us." (Fair is fair!) 2:12
  909. The devil can take us captive any time he pleases. 2:26
  910. In the last days people will become evil, "without natural affection." Fundamentalist say that this refers to homosexuals. 3:1-3
  911. In the last days, "silly women" who are "ever learning" will be "led away with divers lusts." 3:6-7
  912. "All scripture is given by the inspiration of God." Even Judges 19:22-30 and Ezekiel 23:20? 3:16


  913. God, like George Washington (but unlike the author of Titus who falsely claims to be Paul), cannot tell a lie. 1:2
  914. Jews are unruly liars "whose mouths must be stopped." 1:10-11
  915. The people of Crete are "always liars, evil beasts, slow bellies." 1:12
  916. Disregard "Jewish fables and commandments of men, that turn from the truth." Like most of the Bible, maybe? 1:14
  917. "Teach the young women to be ... obedient to their own husbands." 2:4-5
  918. Slaves must obey their masters and "please them well in all things ... showing all good fidelity." 2:9-10
  919. "Avoid foolish ... genealogies." Like Gen 10, 1 Chr 1-9, and Lk 3:23-38? 3:9
  920. Heretics are to be rejected since they are subverted sinners who are condemned by God. 3:10-11


  921. "The bowels of the saints are refreshed by thee, brother." 7


  922. The author of Hebrews believed that he was living in the "last days." 1:2, 9:26, 10.25, 10:37
  923. Every skeptic and nonbeliever has "an evil heart of unbelief." 3:12
  924. It is impossible for fallen-away Christians to be saved. (Didn't the author know about confession or the finality of being saved?) 6:4-6
  925. Apostates will burn in hell with the other non-believers. 6:8
  926. Melchisedec had no father or mother. He was never born (he just appeared ready-made by God) and he never died. He's still around somewhere. 7:3
  927. God will not forgive us unless we shed the blood of some innocent creature. 9:13-22
  928. Those who disobeyed the Old Testament law were killed without mercy. It will be much worse for those who displease Jesus. 10:28-29
  929. "It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God." 10:31
  930. Faith is believing without evidence things that you wish were true (but aren't). 11:1
  931. If you're not a Christian, it's impossible to please God. 11:6
  932. "By faith Noah ... condemned the world." 11:7
  933. "Through faith also Sara herself received strength to conceive seed." 11:11
  934. "Abraham ... offered up Isaac ... his only begotten son." (To the author of Hebrews this was a good thing.) 11:17
  935. Moses "kept the passover, and the sprinkling of blood, lest he that destroyed the firstborn should touch them." 11:28
  936. "By faith the walls of Jericho fell down." 11:30
  937. "By faith the harlot Rahab perished not with them that believed not." 11:31
  938. The heroes of faith: Samson, Jephthah, David, and Samuel. It would be hard to find a more monstrous group than these guys. 11:32
  939. "Others were tortured ... that they might obtain a better resurrection." 11:35
  940. God always hurts the ones he loves. If he doesn't hurt you, you're a bastard, not a son. 12:6-8
  941. God ordered animals to be "stoned, or thrust through with a dart" if they "so much as ... touch the mountain." 12:20
  942. Avoid "strange doctrines." Those who do so will avoid nearly everything in the Bible. 13:9
  943. "Our brother Timothy is set at liberty; with whom, if he come shortly, I will see you."
    The author of Hebrews never claims to be (and wasn't) Paul, but he wants people to think that he was. And it worked. That's why Hebrews is in the Bible. 13:23


  944. "Be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath." 1:19
  945. "Pure religion ... is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world." 1:27
  946. The rich should not be treated better than the poor. 2:2-4
  947. "Love thy neighbour as thyself." 2:8
  948. If you are merciless to others, God will be merciless to you. (Two wrongs make a right.) 2:13
  949. "What doth it profit, my brethren, though a man say he hath faith, and have not works? can faith save him?" 2:14
  950. Help others that are in need; don't just wish them well. 2:15-16
  951. "Faith without works is dead." 2:17, 20, 26
  952. "Thou believest that there is one God; thou doest well: the devils also believe, and tremble." 2:19
  953. "By works a man is justified, and not by faith only." 2:24
  954. James says that, even in his day, all beasts, birds, serpents, and sea creatures had been tamed by humans. 3:7
  955. "The fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of them that make peace." 3:18
  956. If your prayers are not answered, it's your own damned fault. 4:3
  957. Whoever is a friend of the world is an enemy of God.  4:4
  958. "Speak not evil one of another." 4:11
  959. "Who art thou that judgest another?" 4:12
  960. "Ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away." (All we are is dust in the wind.) 4:14
  961. "Ye rich men, weep and howl for your miseries that shall come upon you." 5:1
  962. "The coming of the Lord draweth nigh." 5:8
  963. If you are sick, rely on the power of prayer. It works every time. 5:13-15

    1 Peter

  964. We are all predestined to be saved or damned. We have no say in the matter. It was all determined by "the sprinkling of the blood of Jesus Christ." 1:2
  965. The author believed that he was living in the "last times." 1:5, 1:7, 1:20, 4:7
  966. "Gird up the loins of your mind." 1:13
  967. "The precious blood of Christ ... was foreordained before the foundation of the world." 1:19-20
  968. "All flesh is as grass, and all the glory of man as the flower of grass. The grass withereth, and the flower thereof falleth away." 1:24
  969. "Submit yourselves ... to the king." 2:13, 17
  970. Slaves should "be subject to [their] masters with all fear," to the bad and cruel as well as the good and gentle. 2:18
  971. "Wives, be in subjection to your own husbands." 3:1
  972. They should use "chaste conversation, coupled with fear." 3:2
  973. They are not to braid their hair, wear gold, or put on any "apparel." 3:3
  974. A wife should call her husband "Lord" as Sarah did. 3:6
  975. In relation to her husband, the wife is "the weaker vessel." 3:7
  976. "Be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you." 3:15
  977. God drowned everyone on earth except for Noah and his family. 3:20
  978. Things may get rough for Christians, but it will really be hell for nonbelievers. 4:17-18
  979. "The devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour." 5:8

    2 Peter

  980. "No prophecy of the scripture is of any private interpretation." That's just your interpretation. 1:20
  981. "There shall be false teachers among you, who ... shall bring in damnable heresies ... and bring upon themselves swift destruction ... Their damnation slumbereth not." 2:1-3
  982. "God spared not the angels that sinned, but cast them down to hell, and delivered them into chains of darkness." 2:4
  983. "Noah ... a preacher of righteousness."
    God drowned everyone on earth except for Noah [the first drunken "preacher of righteousness" (see Gen.9:20-25)] and his family. 2:5, 3:6
  984. "Turning the cities of Sodom and Gomorrha into ashes" 2:6
  985. Lot, who in Gen.19:8 offers his two virgin daughters to a crowd of angel rapers and later gets drunk and impregnates them (19:30-38), is a "just" and "righteous man." 2:7-8.
  986. God knows how to punish those that lust or "despise government." (Watch out Teabaggers!) 2:9-14
  987. The author believes the story in Numbers (22:28-30) about the talking ass. 2:16
  988. Those who lose their faith are like dogs that eat their own vomit. 2:22
  989. The author of 2 Peter is aware of the failed expectations of early believers. He knows that Jesus, who was supposed to come soon, didn't come at all. Many have begun to ask, "Where is the promise of his coming?" So he makes up the "one day is with the Lord as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day." Believers have been using it ever since. 3:4-8
  990. God will set the entire earth on fire so that he can burn non-believers to death. 3:7
  991. When Jesus finally does come, the heavens will "pass away with a great noise" and the earth will "be burnt up." 3:10
  992. Paul's epistles are hard to understand; those who try to understand them, as with the other scriptures, do so "unto their own destruction." 3:16

    1 John

  993. Whoever says he is without sin is a liar. 1:8
  994. Christians don't sin; whoever sins is of the devil. 3:6-10
  995. Those who love others are in the light; those who hate are in darkness. 2:9-11
  996. Don't love the world or anything in it. 2:15
  997. The author knows he is living in the last days because there are so many antichrists around. 2:18
  998. Antichrists are people who don't believe Jesus is the Christ. 2:22, 4:3
  999. Get ready because Jesus is coming soon. 2:28
  1000. When Jesus returns, he'll be just like "John". 3:2
  1001. Whatever you ask Jesus for, he will give you. 3:22
  1002. "God is love." 4:8, 4:16
  1003. You're not living unless you've got Jesus. 5:12
  1004. There is a sin unto death." (But no one knows what it is.) 5.16
  1005. Christians are of God; everyone else is wicked. 5:19

    2 John

  1006. "Love one another." Except for all those antichrists (non-Christians), that is. Stay the hell away from them. (See verses 7-10) 5
  1007. Non-Christians are deceivers and antichrists. 7
  1008. "Whosoever ... abideth not in the doctrine of Christ, hath not God." 9
  1009. Don't associate with non-Christians. Don't receive them into your house or even exchange greeting with them. 10

    3 John

  1010. John says he "will remember his [Diotrephes] deeds ... pratting against us with malicious words." 10
  1011. "Follow not that which is evil, but that which is good." 11a
  1012. "He that doeth good is of God: but he that doeth evil hath not seen God." 11b


  1013. God pre-ordained that certain "ungodly" men would deny Jesus. 4
  1014. "The Lord ... destroyed them that believed not." 5
  1015. "The angels which kept not their first estate"
    The angels that Jude refers to here are the "sons of God" that had sex with human females to produce a race of giants. 6
  1016. God sent "eternal fire" on the people of Sodom and Gomorrah for "going after strange flesh." 7-8
  1017. Michael the Archangel argued with the devil about the body of Moses. 9
  1018. Enoch, "the seventh from Adam", prophesied that God would come with 10,000 of his saints "to execute judgment upon all." 14-15
  1019. "To convince all that are ungodly among them of all their ungodly deeds which they have ungodly committed, and of all their hard speeches which ungodly sinners have spoken." 15
  1020. "Remember ye the words which were spoken before of the apostles ... that they told you there should be mockers in the last time."
    (The author of Jude thought he was living in "the last time.") 17-18


  1021. John believes "the time is at hand," and that the things that he writes about in Revelation will "shortly come to pass." 1:1, 3; 22:10
  1022. "He cometh with clouds; and every eye shall see him, and they also which pierced him." 1:7
  1023. Jesus has white hair, eyes of fire, feet of brass, and has a sword sticking out of his mouth. 1:13-16
  1024. False Jews are members of "the synagogue of Satan." 2:9, 3:9
  1025. God has seven spirits. 3:1, 4:5, 5:6
  1026. John has Jesus lie by saying: "Behold, I come quickly." 3:11; 22:7, 12, 20
  1027. God gave power to someone sitting on a red horse "to take from the earth ... that they should kill one another." 6:4
  1028. Death and Hell kill 1/4 the human population. 6:6
  1029. Only 144,000 celibate, male, Jews will be saved. (Those who were not "defiled with women.") 7:4, 14:3-4
  1030. Horse-like locusts with human heads, women's hair, lion's teeth, and scorpion's tails. They sting people and torture them for five months. 9:7-10
  1031. Four angels, with an army of 200 million, killed a third of the earth's population. 9:15-19
  1032. An angel tells John to eat a book. He does, and it tastes good, but it makes his belly bitter. 10:10
  1033. God will send an earthquake that will kill 7000 people. 11:13
  1034. "And there was a war in heaven: Michael and his angels fought against the dragon." So even in heaven, one can't be safe from war or dragons. 12:7
  1035. Those who receive the mark of the beast will "drink of the wine of the wrath of God ... and shall be tormented with fire and brimstone ... and the smoke of their torment ascendeth up for ever and ever." 14:10-11
  1036. Jesus and his angel friends slaughter people with sickles. 14:14-20
  1037.  "The great winepress of the wrath of God ... was trodden ... and the blood came ... even unto the horses bridles." 14:19
  1038.  The great harlot is "full of abominations and filthiness of her fornication." She will be made "desolate and naked," and her flesh will be eaten by kings. 17:1-16
  1039.  Jesus, whose clothes are dipped in blood, has a sharp sword sticking out of his mouth. Thus attired, he treads the winepress of the wrath of God. 19:13-15
  1040.  An angel calls all the fowls to feast upon dead human bodies, or as the angel calls it "the supper of the great God." (Angel food?) 19:17-18
  1041.  The beast and the false prophet are cast alive into a lake of fire. The rest were killed with the sword of Jesus. "And all the fowls were filled with their flesh." 19:20-21
  1042.  When the thousand years are over, God will send Satan to deceive us all. 20:7-8
  1043.  Whoever isn't found listed in the book of life will be cast into the lake of fire. 20:15
  1044.  Those who are fearful or unbelieving will be cast into "the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." 21:8
  1045.  Anyone who adds to the words in Revelation (or to the rest of the Bible) will be struck with plagues, and anyone that tries to remove anything from it will have his name removed from the book of life. 22:18-19