God's 7th Killing:
God brought a seven year, "very greivous" famine on the whole earth for no apparent reason (except maybe to make Joseph wealthy).
41:25-54
Don't mix seeds when sowing a field or wear a garment with mixed fibers. 19:19
If you have sex with a slave woman, you must then scourge her. 19:20
Don't round the corners of your head or mar the corners of your beard. 19:27
Children who curse their parents, adulterers, and homosexuals must be killed. 20:9-12
Woman with "familiar spirits" must be stoned to death. 20:27
The unchaste daughters of priests must be burnt to death. 21:9
Handicapped people must not approach the altar. 21:16-23
God's 14th Killing:
A man curses and blasphemes while disputing with another man. Moses asks God what to do about it. God says that the whole community
must stone him to death. "And the children of Israel did as the Lord and Moses commanded." 24:10-23
God's 27th Killing:
God killed all the Israelite soldiers -- slowly. It took him 38 years to kill them all, but he finally got the job done.
2:14-16
God's 28th Killing:
The Lord destroyed them before them" -- the general treatment of the people who were supposedly displaced by the Israelites.
2:21-22
God's 29th Killing:
At God's instructions, the Israelites "utterly destroyed the men, women, and the little ones" leaving "none to remain."
2:33-35
God's 30th Killing:
The Israelites, with God's help, kill all the men, women, and children of 60 cities. 3:3-4
Destroy the altars, images, and places of worship of those with different religions. 7:5
Kill any prophets or "dreamers of dreams" if they say or dream the wrong things.
13:1-5, 18:20
Kill everyone with religious beliefs that are different than your own. (Including your family, friends, and
neighbors) 13:6-10, 13:12-16, 17:2-7
If you see a pretty woman among the captives then just take her home and "go in unto her."
21:11-14
Rules for a man with two wives: "one beloved, and another hated." 21:15
Kill rebellious or disobedient sons 21:18-21, adulterers 22:22,
and rape victims if they fail to cry out loud enough. 22:23-24
Women that wear men's clothing are an "abomination unto the Lord." 22:5
Don't "wear a garment of divers sorts, as of woolen and linen together." 22:11
How to shit in the woods so that God doesn't step in it. 23:12-14
How to divorce your wife if you find "some uncleanness in her." 24:1-4
If you don't obey all of these laws, God will (among many other things) smite you with hemorrhoids, madness,
and blindness, burn or starve you to death, have some animals eat you, and snakes bite you. If you still refuse to
obey, he will have your wife raped and force you eat your own children. 28:15-68,
32:23-25
God's 31st Killing:
"And they utterly destroyed all that was in the city, both man and woman, young and old, and ox, and sheep, and ass,
with the edge of the sword." 6:21
God's 32nd Killing:
A family is stoned and burned to death (along with their animals) to punish the father (Achan) for looking at "the
accursed thing." "So the LORD turned from the fierceness of his anger." 7:24-26
Joshua kills all the inhabitants of Ai, burns their city, and hangs their king on a tree. 8:22-31
God curses the Gibeonites to be slaves of the Jews forever. 9:21-27
God's 34th Killing:
God gets right in and fights with the Israelites. He "slew them with a great slaughter" and even "chased
them along the way." What a guy. 10:10
God threw down "great stones from heaven" so that he could kill even more people than the Israelites "slew
with the sword." 10:11
God makes the sun and moon stand still so that Joshua could get all his killing done before dark. It was the first
Daylight Savings Time. 10:12-13
God's 36th Killing:
Joshua, at God's command, kills everyone and everything that he can find -- or, as the Bible puts it, he "utterly destroyed all
that breathed, as the Lord commanded." 10:28-42
God's 70th Killing:
God kills Saul, his three sons, and his men because Saul didn't kill the Amalekites (or maybe
because he didn't inquire of the Lord). 31:1-4
Absalom "goes in unto" his father's [David's] concubines. 16:21-22
To punish his ten concubines for being raped by his son (See 2 Samuel 16.21-22), David refuses to ever again have sex
with them and forces them to "keep house" for the rest of their lives. 20:3
To appease God and end the famine that was caused by his predecessor (Saul), David agrees to have two of Saul's sons
and five of his grandsons killed and hung up "unto the Lord." 21:6, 9
When David had a census (that God "moved" him to have), God gave him a choice of three punishments: seven years of famine, three months of war, or three
days of pestilence. David couldn't decide, so God chose for him and 70,000 men died in a plague. (The details are different in
1 Chronicles, but the principle is the same.) 24:1-15
God's 72nd Killing:
God kills a couple hundred thousand people to punish David for having a census. 24:15
Ever the playful spirit, God withers, and then restores, the hand of king Jeroboam. 13:4-6
God's 73rd Killing:
So there were these two prophets. The first prophet lied to the second. To punish the second for believing the first's lie,
God sent a lion to kill him. 13:11-24
Killing everyone "that pisseth against the wall." 14:10,
16:11, 21:21
God's 75th Killing:
Baasha kills Jeroboam's entire family, leaving none "to breath." This slaughter was done "according to the saying of the Lord."
15:29
God's 76th Killing:
Zimri kills all of Baasha's family and friends "that pisseth against a wall ... according to the word of the Lord."
16:11-12
Elijah kills 450 prophets of Baal after beating them in a prayer contest. 18:22-40
God's 89th killing:
All seventy of king Ahab's sons are killed, their heads put in baskets, and sent to Jehu.
(God was punishing Ahab for not killing a captured king.
See 1 Kings 20:42) 10:1-10
God's 90th killing:
"So Jehu slew all that remained of the house of Ahab in Jezreel,
and all his great men, and his kinsfolks, and his priests, until he left him none remaining." 10:11
"They took them alive, and slew ... two and forty men."
Jehu meets with 42 brothers of Ahaziah, and then he murders them. 2 Chronicles 22:7 says
that his killing was "of God." 10:13-14
God's 91st killing:
Jehu shows off his "zeal for the Lord" by murdering the rest of Ahab's family in Samaria. 10:16-17
Jehu assembled the followers of Baal and them slaughtered them all. 10:18-28
God rewards Jehu for murdering Ahab and his family. 10:30
God, the divine physician, strikes king Azariah with leprosy. 15:5
God's 92nd killing:
God sends lions to devour the Samaritans because "they knew not the manner of the God of the land."
17:25-26
"That they may eat their own dung and drink their own piss with you" 18:27
God's 93rd killing:
An angel of the Lord kills 185,000 men while they sleep. "And when
they arose, behold, they were all dead corpses." 19:35
God's 68th Killing:
"David therefore did as God commanded him: and they smote the host of the
Philistines." 14:16
David tortures all the inhabitants of several cities with saws, harrows of iron, and axes. 20:3
God's 72nd Killing:
God kills a couple hundred thousand people because David had a census. 21:1-14
(See 2 Sam.24:1-15 for a different version of this story.)
God's 98th Killing
In the largest single God-assisted massacre in the bible, Asa kills one million Ethiopians.
14:8-13
Whoever does not seek the God of Israel should be executed. 15:13
Asa, when he had a foot disease, went to
physicians instead of seeking the Lord. (God disapproves of those who
seek medical help rather than "seeking the Lord." 16:12
God puts lies into the mouths of his prophets. 18:22
God's 105th Killing
Pekah kills 120,000 people in one day "because they had forsaken the Lord God of their fathers."
28:5-8
God's 106th Killing
God sends the king of the Chaldees to kill all the "young men with the sword." He had "no compassion
upon young man or maiden, old man, or him that stooped for age: he gave them all into his hand." 36:16-17
Check out the contradictions between the boring lists given in Ezra 2 and
Neh.7.
Nehemiah rebukes the men for marrying "strange wives." To punish
them he "contended with them, and cursed them, and smote certain of them, and plucked off their hair."
13:25-27
King Ahasuerus throws a party and encourages his guests to drink to excess. Then,
when they are all drunk, he orders Queen Vashti to show her stuff before him and his guests. 1:7-11
Queen Vashti (the real heroine of the Book of Esther) refuses to display
herself in front of the king's drunken guests. 1:7-12
For her refusal, Vashti is stripped of her crown and came "no more before king." 1:13-19
Because of Vashti's disobedience the king decrees that "all the wives
shall give to their husbands honor" and "that every man should
bear rule over his own house." 1:20-22
"All the fair young virgins" throughout the kingdom are brought
before the king and the one that "pleaseth" him the most will replace Queen Vashti. 2:2-4
Esther wins the pleasing the king babe contest. 2:8-9
But since women are dirty, she must be "purified" for twelve
months before she can be made queen. 2:12
Esther has Haman and his ten sons hung. 7:10, 9:13
At Esther's request, the king orders everyone in the empire who planned to kill Jews to be killed by Jews,
along with their wives and children. 8:9-19
The Jews kill everyone who ever had a bad thought toward them, along with their Jew-hating families. 9:1-16
Job was a perfect man, the richest in all the east. He had 7 sons and 3 daughters that liked to party. The sons often invited
their sisters over to party with them. 1:1-4
God makes a bet with his son, Satan. God tells Satan to do nasty things to Job to see if he can get Job to curse God to his face.
1:6-12
Job's slaves and animals are burned to death or killed with swords. Then Job's children
are killed in a windstorm while partying. 1:13-19
God kills (or allows Satan to kill) Job's children, but Job doesn't "foolishly" blame God. 1:20-22
God allows Satan to torment Job, just to see how he will react. 2:3-7
God gives Job to Satan, saying: "Behold, all that he hath is in thy
power." 2:6
Satan (or God) smites Job with boils from the "sole of his foot unto his crown." 2:7
Job's wife says that to retain his integrity he should "curse God and die." 2:9
God multiplies wounds without cause, destroys the perfect along with the wicked, laughs at the trial of the innocent,
and hides the truth from judges. 9:17-24
After God and Satan get done tormenting Job, God gave Job even more stuff than he had before, including children. God gave
Job another set of 10 kids, with even prettier daughters! 42:13-15
"His left hand is under my head, and his right hand doth embrace me. I charge you ... that he stir not up,
nor awake my love, till he please." 2:6, 8:3
Our heroine takes her lover into her mother's bedroom and asks not
to be disturbed "till he please." 3:4-5
"Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins." 4:5, 7:3
"My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him."
5:4
Circumcise the foreskin of your heart or God will burn you to death. 4:4
He will bring evil to entire cities, destroying them and wipe out all of their inhabitants. 4:6-8
He will send lions, wolves, and leopards to tear people to pieces. 5:6
He just can't hold in his fury any longer. He will kill everyone: husbands and wives, children and old people.
6:11
He will punish the men by taking away their property, including their wives, and giving it to others.
6:12
He will kill pretty much everyone: fathers and sons, family, friends, and neighbors. He plans to kill
them all after laying a stumbling block before them. 6:21
He will pour out his anger on both man and beast. Not even the trees will be spared from his wrath.
And the ground itself will burn forever. 7:20
He will feed people to the birds and the beasts and no one will scare them away. 7:33
He will cover the earth with dead bodies that will not be buried. "They shall be for dung upon the face of the earth."
8:2
People will choose to kill themselves, rather than be killed by their vicious God. 8:3
To punish men, he will "give their wives unto others." 8:10
He will send serpents to cockatrices to bite you. 8:17
He will give the people bad food and water, and then kill them with a sword. 9:15-16
He will kill children and young men, and the dead bodies "shall fall as dung .... and none shall gather them."
9:21-22
He forbids others from praying for his victims. Such prayers would
be useless anyway, he says, because he "will not hear them in their time of trouble." 11:14
He will punish people by killing their young men in war and starving their children to death. 11:22
God will kill the young men in war and starve their children to death. 11:22-23
His sword will "devour" everyone until "no flesh shall have peace." 12:12
He will make everyone drunk and then "dash the fathers and the sons together." He vows to "not
pity, nor spare, nor have mercy, but destroy them." 13:13-14
He tells Jeremiah not to pray for the people. God has decided to kill them all and he doesn't want to be talked out of it.
14:11-12, 15:1
He will destroy by famine and sword those who are misled by the prophets. 14:16
He plans to kill people with swords, tear their flesh with dogs, and feed their bodies to the birds and beasts.
Why? Because of something some former king did. 15:2-4
He will kill children, make more widows than there are grains of sand, terrorize cities, and then kill the survivors.
15:7-9
He told Jeremiah not to get married or have children, because he will kill everyone (mothers and daughters,
fathers and sons). They all "shall die of grievous deaths," and that shall neither "be lamented" nor buried,
but "shall be as dung upon the face of the earth." For he has removed peace, "lovingkindness,"
and mercy from the people. 16:1-7
When the people ask why God is killing everyone, he answers by saying, "Because your fathers have
forsaken me." 16:10
He will make parents eat their own children, and friends eat each other. 19:7-9
He will kill everyone, "both man and beast," with a "great pestilence." 21:6
He will force all of Israel to get drunk. Then, he'll
kill them all with a sword. 25:27-29
He will kill so many people that the entire earth will be covered with their dead bodies. No one is to mourn
them or even bury them, "they shall be as dung upon the ground." 25:33
Ezekiel sees God's loins ("the glory of the Lord"), which were on fire. 1:27, 8:2
At God's command, Ezekiel eats a book that tastes as sweet as honey. 2:9 - 3:3
If a good person does something wrong after God "lays a stumbling block before him," God will
kill him. "He shall die in his sin" and whatever good he has done will be forgotten. 3:20,
18:24-26
God makes Ezekiel lay on his right side for 390 days, and then on his left side for another 40 days. 4:4-8
He tells Ezekiel to bake and eat bread that is made with the "dung that cometh out of man." 4:12
He tells him to shave his head and beard, divide the cut hair into thirds, burn one portion, smite
the second with a knife, and scatter the third in the wind. 5:1-3
He will force fathers to eat their sons and sons to eat their fathers and will cause every man's sword to be against his brother. 5:10,
38:21-23
He plans to kill everyone with plagues, famines, and wars. If any survive, he'll send beasts to devour them. He will decorate the land with human bones and dead bodies.
5:17, 6:5
He is mad at everyone and no one will escape his wrath. He'll kill them all -- good and bad, just and unjust -- with war,
disease, and starvation. He will ignore them when they beg for mercy. "Horror shall cover them" and "they shall know that I am the Lord."
7:14-27, 8:18, 21:3-5
A detached hand grabbed Ezekiel by the hair and raised him up between heaven and earth. 8:3
God marks the foreheads of the men who will be saved. All of the women
and unmarked men will be slaughtered. He will "fill the courts with the slain" and will have pity on no one. 9:4
He dislikes women and pillows. "Woe to the women that sew pillows ... behold, I am against your pillows."
13:15-20
He deceives some of his prophets and then kills them for believing his lies. 14:9, 20:25
His ex-girlfriend (Jerusalem) had sex with every man that passed by. She especially liked the Egyptians with big penises.
If no one was available, she "committed whoredom" with "images of men." 16:15-26
"For she doted upon their paramours, whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses."
23:20
"They shall take away thy nose and thine ears ... Thou shalt ... pluck off thine own breasts: for I have spoken it, saith the Lord." 23:25,
34
God gets all excited about cooking human flesh and "scum." 24:3-10
He killed Ezekiel's wife to demonstrate his intention to kill the Israelites' children.
Just as God told Ezekiel not to
mourn his wife's death, God forbids the parents to mourn the death of their children. 24:15-24
He showed Ezekiel how to join together dead people's bones and then
bring them back to life. 37:7-10
He is preparing a feast for the birds and beasts. They will eat human flesh until they're full and drink human blood
until they're drunk. 39:4, 17-20
God tells Hosea to "take ... a wife of whoredoms." 1:2-3
God talks about whoredoms, adulteries between breasts. He plans to strip a woman naked as the day she was
born and to discover her lewdness in the sight of her lovers. 2:2-3, 2:10
God will not have mercy upon children if they are the children of whoredoms. 2:4-5
God tells Hosea to "love a woman beloved of her friend, yet an adulteress." 3:1
In accordance with God's command, Hosea buys a wife for 15 pieces of
silver and one and a half homers of barley. 3:2
If you misbehave, God will make your daughters "commit
whoredom" and your wife "commit adultery." 4:13
Hosea asks God to "give them a miscarrying womb and dry breasts." 9:14
God assures Hosea that he will "slay even the beloved fruit of the womb." 9:16
God will rip humans apart and eat them like a lion. 13:7-8
God promises to dash to pieces the infants of Samaria and
"their women with child shall be ripped up." 13:16
God afflicted the Israelites with "cleanness of teeth" (famine), drought, blasting, and mildew. He killed them with pestilence, slaughtered them with the sword,
and "made the stink of their camps come up into their noses." And yet they still didn't return to him. What is wrong with people? 4:6-10
Woe is everyone (especially musicians and wine drinkers). 6:1-6
God burned up the earth and sea, and then he repented for it. 7:4-6
He stands on a wall holding a plumb line while he talks to Amos. 7:7
"Thus saith the LORD; Thy wife shall be an harlot in the city, and thy sons and thy daughters shall fall by the sword … and thou shalt die in a polluted land." 7:17
God shows Amos a basket of summer fruit and tells him that the end has come. 8:1-2
"There shall be many dead bodies in every place." 8:3
"I will cause the sun to go down at noon, and I will darken the earth in the clear day." 8:9
"I will bring up sackcloth upon all loins, and baldness upon every head." 8:10
God will kill "the last of them with the sword," and any that try to escape by diving to the bottom
of the sea will be bitten, at God's command, by a serpent. God will set his "eyes upon them for evil,
not for good." 9:1-4
Whirlwinds, tornadoes, earthquakes, and fires are caused by God and are signs of his anger. He dries up oceans and rivers,
melts mountains, and throws stones. 1:3-6
He doesn't just get even. He drowns his enemies. 1:8
God will "discover thy skirts upon thy face ... show the
nations thy nakedness ... and will cast abominable filth upon thee." 3:4
God punished Nineveh by enslaving the people and smashing the little children in the streets. 3:10
"Behold, thy people in the midst of thee are women." I guess this ("You're all
just a bunch of women.") was the biggest insult God could think of at the moment. 3:13
God says that "the fire shall devour thee, the sword shall cut thee
off, it shall eat thee up like the cankerworm." 3:15
God doesn't have night-vision, so he needs candles when he comes to
punish the people that say, "The LORD will not do good, neither will he do evil." 1:12
He will "bring distress upon men" so that they "walk like blind men." He will pour out their
blood like dust and "their flesh as dung." 1:17
"He shall pass through the sea with affliction, and shall smite the waves in the sea, and all the deeps of the river shall dry up." 10:11
"I will no more pity ... saith the LORD: but, lo, I will deliver the men every one into his neighbour's hand ... And I will feed the flock of slaughter." 11:6-7
God will force everyone to eat "the flesh of another." 11:9
He will open his eyes and smite "every rider with madness ... and every horse ... with blindness." 12:4
A prophet must be killed by his own parents by "thrusting him
through when he prophesieth." 13:3
God will "go forth and fight" with "his feet" on the mount of Olives. 14:3
On the day of the Lord, the mount of Olives will be split in two and half the mountain will be removed. 14:4
God will smite the people with plagues that will cause their flesh, eyes, and tongues to rot away.
14:12
He will make everyone fight and kill his or her neighbor. 14:13
God also hates the Edomites, and his hatred will last forever. 1:4
He continues to demand animal sacrifices. And not just any animals will do. He is insulted
when blind, lame, or sick animals are killed for him. 1:8, 13-14
Jesus strongly approved of the law and the prophets. He had no objection to the cruelties of the Old Testament and
said that its laws will be binding forever.
5:17
To avoid sin, Jesus told his followers to cut off their hands and pluck
out their eyes. This advice was given immediately after he said that anyone who
looks with lust at a women commits adultery. 5:29, 18:8
Jesus told his disciples not to pray in public. 6:5-6
He said that most people are going to hell. 7:13-14
He sent some devils into a herd of pigs, causing them to run off
a cliff and drown in the waters below. 8:32
Families will be torn apart because of Jesus (this is one of the few "prophecies" in the Bible that has
actually come true). "Brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall
rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death." 10:21
Jesus came to destroy families by making family members hate each other. He
came "not
to send peace, but a sword." 10:34
He condemned entire cities to dreadful deaths and to the eternal torment of hell because they didn't care for
his preaching. 11:20-24
He spoke in parables is so that no one would understand him, "lest ... they ...
should understand ... and should be converted, and I should heal them." 13:10-15
"For whosoever hath, to him shall be given, and he shall have more abundance: but whosoever hath not, from him
shall be taken away even that he hath." Isn't this from the Republican Party platform?
13:12, 25:29
Jesus was rejected by those who knew him best -- the people of his home town of Nazareth.
13:55-57
Herod thought Jesus was a resurrected John the Baptist. Apparently, it was a common opinion at the time. 14:2, 16:13-14
Jesus told his followers that he would return and establish his kingdom within their lifetime.
16:28, 23:36, 24:34
Abandon your wife and children for Jesus and he'll give your a big reward. 19:29
Matthew's Jesus rode into Jerusalem sitting on both an ass
and a colt (must have taken some practice!). 21:2-7
"His blood be on us, and on our children." This verse blames the Jews for the death of Jesus and has been used
to justify their persecution for twenty centuries. 27:25
He heals "all that were diseased" by casting out devils. The devils knew Jesus, but Jesus told them to shut up about it.
1:32-34
Although the disciples weren't sure about Jesus even after his alleged resurrection, the "unclean spirits" knew that he was "the son of God."
But Jesus told them not to tell anyone. 3:11-12
The scribes think that Jesus casts out devils by the power of the prince of devils, Beelzebub. 3:22
Jesus is angry at those who said that he had an unclean spirit, so he announces the unforgivable sin: blasphemy against the Holy Ghost.
3:29
He shows disrespect for his mother and family by asking, "Who is my mother, or my brethren?" when he is told that his family wants to
speak with him. 3:31-34
He explains why he speaks in parables: to confuse people so they will go to hell. 4:10-12
He says that those who have been less fortunate in this life will
have it even worse in the life to come. 4:25
He sends the devils into 2000 pigs, causing them to jump off a cliff and be drowned in the sea. 5:11-17
He is rejected by those who knew him the best, the people from his home town of Nazareth. 6:2-5
Any city that doesn't "receive" the followers of Jesus will be destroyed in a manner even more savage than
that of Sodom and Gomorrah. 6:11
Jesus criticizes the Jews for not killing their disobedient children according to Old Testament law.
7:9-10
He refused to cast out a devil from a Greek woman's daughter, calling the woman a "dog". After much pleading,
he finally agrees to cast out her daughter's devil. 7:25-30
He put his fingers in a deaf man's ears, then spit and touched his tongue. This treatment immediately cured him.
7:32-35
He cured a blind man by spitting in his eyes. 8:22-23
There were various opinions about the identity of Jesus. Some thought he was Elijah or one of the prophets. And many thought he was a
risen John the Baptist. 8:27-28
Jesus falsely prophesied that the end of the world would come within his listeners' lifetimes. 9:1,
13:30
He said that John the Baptist was Elijah, but John the Baptist explicitly denied it in John 1:21. 9:13
He tells us to cut off our hands and feet, and pluck out our eyes to avoid going to hell. 9:43-49
He will reward men who abandon their wives and families. 10:29-30
He kills a fig tree for not bearing figs, even though it was out of season. 11:13-14
True followers of Christ routinely perform the following tricks: cast out devils, speak in tongues,
handle poisonous snakes, drink poisons without harm, and cure the sick by touching them. 16:17-18
God strikes Zacharias dumb for doubting the angel Gabriel's words. 1:20
John the Baptist says that Christ will burn the damned "with fire unquenchable." 3:17
The genealogy of Jesus given here is entirely different than that in Mt.1:6-16.
3:23-31
Peter and his partners (James and John) abandon their wives and children to follow Jesus. 5:11
People who are rich, well-fed, happy, or respected are going to hell. 6:24-26
John the Baptist, who is about to die, is still unsure about Jesus. 7:19
Jesus speaks in parables so "that seeing they
might not see, and hearing they might not understand." 8:10
He falsely predicts that some of his listeners would live to see
him return and establish the kingdom of God. 9:27
Entire cities will be violently destroyed and the inhabitants "thrust down to hell" for
not "receiving" his disciples. 10:10-15
The disciples are thrilled that "even the devils are subject" to them. To this Jesus replies, "I give
unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions ... and nothing shall by any means hurt
you." 10:17-19
Jesus thanks God that only the ignorant and foolish will listen to him. 10:21
He insults his mother (the Most Holy Blessed Virgin Mary). 11:27-28
He calls his critics fools, thus making himself, by his own standards (Mt.5:22),
worthy of "hell fire." 11:40
He blames all the deaths of the prophets (from Abel to Zacharias) on his generation. 11:47-52
He says that we should fear God since he has the power to kill us
and then torture us forever in hell. 12:5
The unforgivable sin: blasphemy against the Holy Ghost. 12:10
God is like a slave-owner who tortures and chops his slaves in pieces. 12.46-47
Jesus says that his disciples must hate their families (mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters,
husbands, wives, children) and themselves. 14:26
If you want to be a disciple of Jesus, you must abandon everything, including your family.
14:33
"That which is highly esteemed among men [love, wisdom, honesty, courage, etc.] is an abomination in the sight of
God." 16:15
Abandon your wife and family for Jesus and he'll give you a big reward. 18:29-30
God is like an unjust king who takes what is not rightly his, reaps what he didn't sow, and has those who don't
want to be ruled by him slaughtered in front of him. 19:12-27
Jesus says that everyone will hate Christians, and some Christians
will be killed, yet no Christian will be harmed in any way. 21:16
He says that all that he describes (his return, signs in the sun,
moon, and stars, etc.) will occur within the lifetime of his listeners. 21:32
Jesus told Nathaniel that he would see heaven open and angels descend upon Jesus.
Nathaniel never saw it; neither has anyone else. 1:51
He believed the stupid and vicious story from Numbers 21.
(God sent snakes to bite the people for complaining about the lack of food and water. Then God told
Moses to make a brass snake to cure them from the bites.) 3:14
Those who, for whatever reason, do not believe in Jesus are tormented forever in hell. 3:18, 8:24,
15:6
Jesus magically perceived that a Samaritan woman had been married and divorced five times previously. (He could spot a divorced woman a mile away.)
4:7-18
He believed people are crippled by God as a punishment for sin. He told a crippled man, after healing him, to
"sin no more, lest a worse thing come unto thee." 5:14
The people of Nazareth, who knew Jesus well, (his family, friends, and
neighbors) didn't believe in him. 6:42, 7:5
Jesus says we must eat his flesh and drink his blood if we want to have eternal life. 6:53
A man was born blind so that Jesus could show off his powers by curing him of his blindness. 9:1-3
Jesus spits on the ground, mixes his spit with the dirt, and rubs the muddy spit on (or in?) a blind man's eyes. 9:6
Everyone that ever lived before Jesus was a thief and a robber. 10:8
Many of those who saw Jesus firsthand thought he was mad and possessed by a devil. 10:10
Lazarus suffered and died (or pretend to die) so that Jesus could be "be glorified" by raising him from the dead.
11:4
Mary wastes expensive ointment on Jesus' feet, rather than selling the ointment and giving the money to the poor. But Jesus thinks his feet are more important,
saying that poor people will always be around, but he and his precious feet won't be. 12:3-8
Jesus was wrong about seeds. If a seed dies, it dies. It only produces a new plant if it stays alive (in a dormant stage) until it germinates. Dead
seeds bring forth no fruit. 12:24
You must hate your life in order to keep it. (If you love your life, you'll go to hell after you die.) 12:25
God hardened the hearts of the Jews to prevent them from believing in Jesus. 12:40
Those who believe in Jesus will be able to perform even greater miracles than he did! 14:12
If you don't like Jesus, then you don't like God. (You're a damned God hater.) 15:23
Christians always get whatever they ask for in prayer. 15:7, 16;
16:23
The Jews are blamed for the death of Jesus. 19:7-15
After his resurrection, Jesus could walk through walls. 20:19, 26
Jesus implies that he will return to earth during the lifetime of John. 21:22
While Jesus went up to heaven, two angels (men in white) stop by to tell
the disciples that Jesus will return in the same way he just left them (by
beaming up/down via transporter). 1:10-11
Whoopie! It’s Pentecost: A
mighty wind comes, cloven tongues of fire sit on top of heads, everyone acts
drunk and talks in languages they don't understand. 2:2-13
Peter says that
their strange behavior (speaking in tongues, etc.) was to be expected since
they were living in "the last days." 2:17
Imagine no possessions: The early Christians were the
first communists. 2.44-45, 4.32-35
Peter and God scare
Ananias and his wife to death for not forking over all of the money that
they made when selling their land. 5:1-10
The sick were healed just by
touching the shadow of Peter. 5.15-16
Peter has a dream in which God shows him "wild beasts, and creeping things, and fowls."
The voice (God's?) says, "Rise, Peter: kill and eat." 10:10-13, 11.5-10
Eutychus was
the first casualty of many long boring sermons. 20:9
After listening to
Paul’s speech, everyone took off their clothes, threw dust in the air, and
told the soldiers to kill him. 22.22-23
The first
hunger strike: "The Jews banded together, and bound themselves under a
curse, saying that they would neither eat nor drink till they had killed
Paul." 23.12
Paul’s Mata snakebite story. (There are no poisonous snakes
on Malta.) 28.3-6
Paul expected Jesus to return within the lifetime of his followers. 1:7-8, 10:11, 10:11,
15:51-52
Christians started out divided (into followers of Paul, Apollos, Cephas, or Christ), and it has remained so ever since. 1:12, 3:4
Poor Paul is confused. First he says that he baptized no one. Well, except for Crispus and Gaius. And maybe Stephanus and his household. He can't remember if he did it to anyone else.
1:14-16
Jesus, who was without sin, was made into sin. This made the real sinners sinless. 5:21
Keep away from unbelievers. Neither marry nor be friends with them. 6:14-17
"Give; not grudgingly, or of necessity: for God loveth a cheerful giver."
The televangelist's favorite verse! 9:7
"For your liberal distribution unto them, and unto all men ... Thanks be to God." God loves liberals! 9:13-15
Christians cannot be freethinkers, since all their thoughts and imaginings must be brought into captivity in
obedience to Christ. 10:5
There were these guys that Paul once knew, but he just can't remember whether it was in or out of the body. It was sort of an out of body experience. Anyway,
one of these guys was way up in the third heaven and the other guy was in paradise. He heard stuff, too, but it's illegal to talk about it. 12:2-4
Paul says he "will not spare" when he comes back to punish those who have sinned. 13:2
Are you a reprobate? Here's the test: if you know for sure that Jesus is in you, you're not a reprobate. Otherwise you are. 13:5
"If ye be circumcised, Christ shall profit you nothing." 5:2
"I would they were even cut off which trouble you." (The New Revised Standard Version translates this verse as: "I wish those who unsettle you would castrate themselves!")
5:12
Witches, idol worshippers, and heretics will not go to heaven. (Guess where they'll be
going.) 5:20-21
"See how large a letter I have written unto you with mine own hand." 6:11
"Many ... desire to have you circumcised, that they may glory in your flesh." 6:12-13
"It pleased the Father ... having made peace through the blood of his cross." 1:19-20
"The gospel ... was preached to every creature ... under heaven." 1:23
"Beware lest any man spoil you through philosophy." 2:8
"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord." 3:18
"Servants [slaves], obey in all things your masters according to the flesh; not with eyeservice, as
menpleasers; but in singleness of heart, fearing God." 3:22
Paul, with his usual modesty, proclaims that he is holy, just, and blameless. 2:10
He accuses the Jews of killing Jesus, persecuting the prophets, displeasing God, and
being "contrary to all men." The wrath of God will "come upon them to the
uttermost." 2:14-16
Paul would have come to visit the Thessalonians but Satan stopped him. 2:18
He expected Jesus to return within his lifetime and those of his followers. 2:19,
3:13, 4:15-17, 5:23
"Every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour." 4:4
"We which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air."
Christians get the idea of the rapture from this verse. 4:17
"Prove all things; hold fast to what is good." 5:21
"Jesus ... in flaming fire taking vengeance on them that know not God ... who shall be punished with everlasting destruction."
1:7-9
"Be not soon shaken in mind ... by letter as from us."
What letter is being referred to here? Is it 1 Thessalonians? If so, then should Christians not read it to avoid being "skaken in mind?"
2:2
Jesus will "consume" the wicked "with the spirit of his mouth." 2:8
Homosexuals are lawless, disobedient, unholy, and profane. 1:10
"Hymenaeus and Alexander; whom I have delivered unto Satan, that they may learn not to blaspheme." 1:20
Women are to dress modestly, "with shamefacedness" -- "not with braided hair, or gold, or pearls, or
costly array." 2:9
"Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a
woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence." 2:11-12
Men are superior to women since Adam was made before, and sinned after, Eve. But even though women are inferior to
men, they shouldn't be discouraged because they shall "be saved in childbearing." 2:14-15
"In the latter times some shall depart from the faith" by becoming vegetarians. 4:1-4
Real widows are "desolate" and pray "night and day." But those widows that experience pleasure
are "dead while [they] live." 5:5-6
You should help a widow only if she : is over 60 years old, had only one husband, has raised children,
has lodged strangers, has "washed the saints feet," has relieved the afflicted, and has "diligently
followed very good work." Otherwise, let them starve. "But the younger widows refuse [to help]: for ... they will
marry; having damnation." Besides the young widows are always idle tattlers -- "busybodies, spreading things
which they ought not ... some are already turned aside after Satan." 5:9-15
Publicly humiliate those who sin by announcing their sins in front of God and everybody so
"that others may also fear." 5:20
Stop drinking water. Drink wine for your "stomach's" sake. 5:23
"Let as many servants as are under the yoke count their own masters worthy of all honour, that the
name of God and his doctrine be not blasphemed." 6:1
"Charge them that are rich in this world, that they be ... ready to distribute." 6:17-18
Avoid "science falsely so called" -- especially if it disagrees with the Bible. 6:20
"By faith the harlot Rahab perished not with them that believed not." 11:31
The heroes of faith: Samson, Jephthah, David, and Samuel. It would be hard to find a more monstrous group than these guys. 11:32
"Others were tortured ... that they might obtain a better resurrection." 11:35
God always hurts the ones he loves. If he doesn't hurt you, you're a bastard, not a son. 12:6-8
God ordered animals to be "stoned, or thrust through with a dart" if they "so much as ... touch the mountain."
12:20
Avoid "strange doctrines." Those who do so
will avoid nearly everything in the Bible. 13:9
"Our brother Timothy is set at liberty; with whom, if he come shortly, I will see you."
The author of Hebrews never claims to be (and wasn't) Paul, but he wants people to think that he was. And it worked. That's why Hebrews is in the Bible. 13:23
"Ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little
time, and then vanisheth away." (All we are is dust in the wind.) 4:14
"Ye rich men, weep and howl for your miseries that shall come upon you." 5:1
We are all predestined to be saved or damned. We have no say in the matter.
It was all determined by "the sprinkling of the blood of Jesus Christ." 1:2
The author believed that he was living in the "last times." 1:5, 1:7,
1:20, 4:7
"No prophecy of the scripture is of any private interpretation." That's just your interpretation. 1:20
"There shall be false teachers among you, who ... shall bring in damnable heresies ... and bring upon themselves swift destruction ...
Their damnation slumbereth not." 2:1-3
"God spared not the angels that sinned, but cast them down to hell, and delivered them into chains of darkness." 2:4
"Noah ... a preacher of righteousness."
God drowned everyone on earth except for Noah [the first drunken "preacher of righteousness" (see Gen.9:20-25)] and his family.
2:5, 3:6
"Turning the cities of Sodom and Gomorrha into ashes" 2:6
Lot, who in Gen.19:8 offers his two virgin daughters to a crowd of angel rapers and
later gets drunk and impregnates them (19:30-38), is a "just" and "righteous man."
2:7-8.
God knows how to punish those that lust or "despise government." (Watch out Teabaggers!) 2:9-14
The author believes the story in Numbers (22:28-30)
about the talking ass. 2:16
Those who lose their faith are like dogs that eat their own vomit. 2:22
The author of 2 Peter is aware of the failed expectations of early believers. He knows that Jesus, who was
supposed to come soon, didn't come at all. Many have begun to ask, "Where is the promise of his coming?" So he makes up the
"one day is with the Lord as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day." Believers have been using it ever since.
3:4-8
God will set the entire earth on fire so that he can burn non-believers to death. 3:7
When Jesus finally does come, the heavens will "pass away with a great noise" and the earth will "be burnt up." 3:10
Paul's epistles are hard to understand; those who try to understand them, as with the other scriptures,
do so "unto their own destruction." 3:16
God pre-ordained that certain "ungodly" men would deny Jesus. 4
"The Lord ... destroyed them that believed not." 5
"The angels which kept not their first estate"
The angels that Jude refers to here are the "sons of God" that had sex with human females
to produce a race of giants. 6
God sent "eternal fire" on the people of Sodom and Gomorrah for "going after strange flesh."
7-8
Michael the Archangel argued with the devil about the body of Moses. 9
Enoch, "the seventh from Adam", prophesied that God would come with 10,000 of his saints "to execute judgment upon all."
14-15
"To convince all that are ungodly among them of all their ungodly deeds which they have ungodly committed, and of all their hard
speeches which ungodly sinners have spoken." 15
"Remember ye the words which were spoken before of the apostles ... that they told you there should be mockers in the last time."
(The author of Jude thought he was living in "the last time.") 17-18
Only 144,000 celibate, male, Jews will be saved. (Those who were not
"defiled with women.") 7:4, 14:3-4
Horse-like locusts with human heads, women's hair,
lion's teeth, and scorpion's tails. They sting people and torture them for five months. 9:7-10
Four angels, with an army of 200 million, killed a third of the
earth's population. 9:15-19
An angel tells John to eat a book. He does, and it tastes good, but
it makes his belly bitter. 10:10
God will send an earthquake that will kill 7000 people. 11:13
"And there was a war in heaven: Michael and his angels fought
against the dragon." So even in heaven, one can't be safe from war or dragons. 12:7
Those who receive the mark of the beast will "drink of the wine of the wrath of God ... and shall be
tormented with fire and brimstone ... and the smoke of their torment ascendeth up for ever and ever."
14:10-11
Jesus and his angel friends slaughter people with sickles. 14:14-20
"The great winepress of the wrath of God ... was trodden ... and the blood came
...
even unto the horses bridles." 14:19
The great harlot is "full of abominations and filthiness of her fornication."
She will be made "desolate and naked,"
and her flesh will be eaten by kings. 17:1-16
Jesus, whose clothes are dipped in blood, has a sharp sword sticking out of his mouth. Thus attired, he treads
the winepress of the wrath of God. 19:13-15
An angel calls all the fowls to feast upon dead human bodies, or as the angel calls it "the supper of the
great God." (Angel food?) 19:17-18
The beast and the false prophet are cast alive into a lake of fire. The rest were killed with the sword of
Jesus. "And all the fowls were filled with their flesh." 19:20-21
When the thousand years are over, God will send Satan to deceive us all. 20:7-8
Whoever isn't found listed in the book of life will be cast into the lake of fire. 20:15
Those who are fearful or unbelieving will be cast into "the lake which burneth with fire and
brimstone." 21:8
Anyone who adds to the words in Revelation (or to the rest of the Bible) will be struck with plagues, and
anyone that tries to remove anything from it will have his name removed from the book of life.
22:18-19
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