God creates light and separates light from darkness, and day from night, on the first day.
Yet he didn't make the light producing objects (the sun and the stars) until the fourth day
(1:14-19). And how could there be "the evening and the morning" on the
first day if there was no sun to mark them? 1:3-5
God spends one-sixth of his entire creative effort (the second day)
working on a solid firmament. This strange structure, which God calls heaven, is
intended to separate the higher waters from the lower waters. 1:6-8
Plants are made on the third day before there was a sun to drive their photosynthetic
processes (1:14-19). 1:11
In an apparent endorsement of astrology, God places the sun, moon, and stars in the firmament so that they can be used
"for signs". This, of course, is exactly what astrologers do: read "the signs" in the Zodiac in an effort to predict what
will happen on Earth. 1:14
"He made the stars also." God spends a day making light (before making the stars) and
separating light from darkness; then, at the end of a hard day's work, and almost as an
afterthought, he makes the trillions of stars. 1:16
"And God set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the
God commands us to "be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have
dominion over ... every living thing that moveth upon the earth." 1:28
"I have given you every herb ... and every tree ... for meat."
Since many plants have evolved poisons to protect against animals that would like to eat them, God's advice is more than a little reckless.
Would you tell your children to go out in the garden and eat whatever plants they encounter? Of course not. But then, you are much nicer
and smarter than God. 1:29
"The tree of life ... and the tree of knowledge of good and evil."
God created two magic trees: the tree of life and the tree of knowledge. Eat from the first, and you live forever
(3:22); eat from the second and you'll die the same day (2:17). (Or that's what God said, anyway.
Adam ate from the tree of knowledge and lived for another 930 years or so (5:5). But he never got a chance to eat from
the tree of life. God prevented him from eating from the tree of life before Adam could eat from the tree, become a god, and live forever.)
God makes the animals and parades them before Adam to see if any would strike his
fancy. But none seem to have what it takes to please him. (Although he was tempted to go for
the sheep.) After making the animals, God has
Adam name them all. The naming of several million species must have kept Adam busy for a
God walks and talks (to himself?) in the garden, and plays a little hide and seek with
Adam and Eve. 3:8-11
God curses the serpent. From now on the serpent will crawl on his belly and eat dust.
One wonders how he got around before -- by hopping on his tail, perhaps? But snakes don't
eat dust, do they? 3:14
God curses the ground and causes thorns and thistles
to grow. 3:17-18
God kills some animals and makes some skin coats for Adam and Eve.
"Behold, the man is become as one of us."
God expels Adam and Eve from the garden before they get a chance to eat from that other tree -- the tree of life.
God knows that if they do that, they well become "like one of us" and live forever. 3:22-24
Cain is worried after killing Abel and says, "Every one who finds me shall slay me." This
is a strange concern since there were only two other humans alive at the time -- his parents! 4:14
"And Cain went out from the presence of the LORD." 4:16
"And Cain knew his wife." That's nice, but where the hell
did she come from? 4:17
Lamech kills a man and claims that since Cain's murderer would be punished
sevenfold, whoever murders him will be punished seventy-seven fold. That sounds fair. 4:23-24
"And to Seth ... was born a son." Where'd he find his wife? 4:26
God created a man and a woman, and he "called their name Adam." So the woman's
name was Adam, too! 5:2
Adam finally dies -- 930 years after eating from the tree of knowledge, contrary to God's
false prophecy that Adam would die the day that he ate the forbidden fruit (2:17). 5:5
Enoch doesn't die he just ascends into heaven. 5:21-24
Enoch lived 365 years before he was taken (alive?) by God.
When Lamech was born, nine generations were alive at once. Adam, Seth, Enos, Cainan, Mahalaleel, Jared, Enoch, Methuselah, and Lamech were all alive at
the time of Lamech's birth. Adam lived to see his great-great-great-great-great-great-grandson. 5:25
Methuselah lived 969 years. (World record holder.) 5:27
When Noah was 500 years old, he had three sons. [Three sons in one year? Was that with one (nameless) wife or
"The sons of God came in unto the daughters of men."
The "sons of God" had sex with the "daughters of
men," and had sons who became "the mighty men of old, men of
"The LORD said, My spirit shall not always strive with man, for that he also is flesh."
God shortened the human lifespan to 120 years because humans are "flesh" and he was tired of fighting with them. 6:3
"There were giants in the earth in those days." 6:4
God decides to kill all living things because the human imagination is evil.
Later (8:21), after he kills everything, he promises never to do it again because the human
imagination is evil. Go figure. 6:5
"Noah was a just man and perfect."
Noah is called a "just man and perfect," but
he didn't seem so perfect when he was drunk and naked in front of his sons (9:20-21). 6:9,
"Behold, I will destroy them with the earth."
God was angry because "the earth was filled with violence." So he killed every living thing to make the
world less violent. 6:11-13
God tells Noah to make one small window (18 inches square) in the 450
foot ark for ventilation. 6:14-16
"And take thou unto thee of all food that is eaten ... for thee, and for them." 6:21
"Of every clean beast thou shalt take to thee by sevens."
How did Noah know which animals were "clean" and "unclean" to God? (It wasn't defined until Leviticus was written.) 7:2
Whether by twos or by sevens, Noah takes male and female representatives from each
species of "every thing that creepeth upon the earth." 7:8
God opens the "windows of heaven." He does this every time it rains. 7:11
All of the animals boarded the ark "in the selfsame day." 7:13-14
"And God remembered Noah."
Yeah. He probably said something like, "Isn't Noah the guy who built the ark?" 8:1
"The windows of heaven were stopped, and the rain from heaven was restrained." This
happens whenever it stops raining. 8:2
Noah sends a dove out to see if there was any dry land. But the dove returns without
finding any. Then, just seven days later, the dove goes out again and returns with an olive leaf.
But how could an olive tree survive the flood? And if any seeds happened to survive, they
certainly wouldn't germinate and grow leaves within a seven day period. 8:8-11
"And the Lord smelled a sweet savor."
Noah kills the "clean beasts" and burns their dead bodies for God. According to 7:8
this would have caused the extinction of all "clean" animals since only two of each were taken
onto the ark. "And the Lord smelled a sweet savor." After this God "said in his heart" that he'd
never do it again because "man's heart is evil from his youth." So God killed all living things
(6:5) because humans are evil, and then promises not to do it again
(8:21) because humans are
evil. The mind of God is a frightening thing. 8:20-21
According to this verse, all animals fear humans. Although it is true that many do, it is also
true that some do not. Sharks and grizzly bears, for example, are generally much
less afraid of us than we are of them. 9:2
"Into your hand are they (the animals) delivered." God gave the animals to humans, and they can do whatever
they please with them. This verse has been used by bible believers to justify all kinds of cruelty to
animals and environmental destruction. 9:2
"I do set my bow in the cloud."
God is rightly filled with remorse for having
killed his creatures. He makes a deal with the animals, promising never to drown
them all again. He even puts the rainbow in the sky so that whenever he sees it,
it will remind him of his promise so that he won't be tempted to do it again.
(Every time God sees the rainbow he says to himself: "Oh, yeah.... That's right.
I promised not to drown the animals again. I guess I'll have to find something
else to do.").
But rainbows are caused by the nature of light, the refractive index of water, and the shape of raindrops. There were rainbows
billions of years before humans existed. 9:13
The "just and righteous" Noah (6:9, 7:1) plants a vineyard, gets drunk, and lies
around naked in his tent. His son, Ham, happens to see his father in this condition. When Noah
sobers up and hears "what his young son had done unto him" (what did he do besides look at
him?), he curses not Ham, who "saw the nakedness of his father," but Ham's son, Canaan. "A
servant of servants shall he [Canaan] be unto his brethren." This is a typical case of biblical
justice, and is one of many Bible passages that have been used to justify slavery. 9:20-25
"All the days of Noah were nine hundred and fifty years." 9:29
"Now nothing will be restrained from them, which they have imagined to do."
God worries that the people will succeed in building a tower high enough to reach him (them?) in heaven, and that by
so doing they will become omnipotent. 11:4-6
God says, "Let us go down ..." Maybe he hasn't been talking to himself; maybe
there is more than one of them up there. Well, however many there may be,
they all decide to come down to confuse the builders by confounding human language and
scattering them [humans] abroad. 11:7
Another boring genealogy that we are told to avoid in
1 Timothy 1:4 and Titus 3:9. ("Avoid foolish questions and
genealogies.") Also note the ridiculously long lives of the patriarchs. 11:10-32
"He took butter, and milk, and the calf ... and they did eat."
Not a very kosher meal for God and Abraham to eat! (See Exodus 23:19) 18:8
Sarah, who is about 90 years old and has gone through menopause, laughs at God
when he tells her that she will have a son. She asks God if she will "have pleasure" with her
"Lord" [Abraham], when both are so very old. God assures her that he will return and
impregnate her at the appointed time. 18:11-14
God, who is planning another mass murder, is worried that Abraham might try to stop
him. so he asks himself if he should hide his intentions from Abraham.
"I will not destroy it for ten's sake."
I guess God couldn't find even ten good Sodomites because he decides to kill them all in Genesis 19.
Too bad Abraham didn't ask God about the children. Why not save them? If Abraham could find 10 good children, toddlers, infants, or babies, would
God spare the city? Apparently not. God doesn't give a damn about children. 18:32
"And the Lord went his way." Now where might that be? 18:33
The two angels that visit Lot wash their feet, eat, and are sexually irresistible to Sodomites.
Lot refuses to give up his angels to the perverted mob, offering his two "virgin daughters"
instead. He tells the bunch of angel rapers to "do unto them [his daughters] as is good in your
eyes." This is the same man that is called "just" and "righteous" in
2 Peter 2:7-8. 19:8
Lot lied about his daughters being "virgins" in 19:8. But it was a "just and
righteous" lie, intended to make them more attractive to the sex-crazed mob. 19:14
Lot's nameless wife looks back, and God
turns her into a pillar of salt. 19:26
Lot and his daughters camp out in a cave for a while. The daughters get their "just
and righteous" father drunk, and have sexual intercourse with him, and each conceives and
bears a son (wouldn't you know it!). Just another wholesome family values Bible story.
Honest Abe does the same "she's my sister" routine again, for the same cowardly reason.
And once again, the king just couldn't resist Sarah -- even though by now she is over 90 years
old. (See Gen.12:13-20 for the first, nearly identical, episode.)
"The Lord visited Sarah" and he "did unto Sarah as he had spoken." And "Sarah
conceived and bare Abraham a son." (God-assisted conceptions never result in daughters.) 21:1-2
After the water ran out, Hagar left Ishmael alone to die. But God heard the infant crying, so he had an angel cry to
Hagar from heaven, telling her not to worry. God heard the child's cry and opened Hagar's eyes so she could see a well,
filled with water. God said he'd make Ishmael a great nation, and the child became an archer. 21:14-20
"Abraham reproved Abimelech because of a well of water, which Abimelech's servants had violently taken away."
As David Tuchman asks in the 8th episode of OMGWTFBible, how do you steal a well?
Abraham names the place where he nearly kills Isaac after Jehovah. But according to
Exodus 6:3, Abraham couldn't have known that God's name was Jehovah.
"Sarah was an hundred and seven and twenty years old ... And Sarah died."
Sarah was lived longer than any other woman in the Bible: 127 years. 23:2
Abraham makes his servant put his hand under his thigh while swearing to God.
Weird. Of course "putting his hand under his thigh" is just a polite euphemism for "holding his
testicles in his hand." Come to think of it, maybe it isn't so weird at all -- coming as it does
from a god that is completely obsessed with male genitalia. (See
Exodus 4:25, Leviticus 15:16-18,
32, and Deuteronomy 23:1) for
just a few examples.) I guess it's sort of like swearing on the bible.
Abraham's nameless slave goes to Mesopotamia to fetch a non-Canaanite wife for the only son that Abraham cared about--Isaac.
When he gets there, he asks God to send a woman to be Isaac's wife. The slave tells God the secret code words to use.
("May I have a drink of water?" To which she will say, "Sure, you and your camels can have a drink.")
Immediately, a nice-looking virgin (Rebekah) shows up and utters the magic words. 24:10-19
Rebekah's brother and father agreed to give her to the slave's master's son since it was obviously a marriage made in heaven.
Rebekah's male owners (father and brothers) "blessed" her by wishing her to have "thousands of millions" of babies and have
"seed" that will take away the lands of those that hate them. 24:60
Abraham needed God's help to father Isaac when he was 100 years old
Romans 4:19, Hebrews 11:12).
But here, when he is even older, he manages to have six more children
without any help from God. 25:2
"She was barren."
In the Bible it's always the women that are "barren", never the men. And when God "opens their womb," the resulting babies are always little
Esau and Jacob were already fighting each other in the womb. 25:22
Esau sold his birthright to Jacob for a bit of bread and a bowl of lentil soup. 25:33-34
Isaac uses the same "she's my sister" lie that his father twice used so effectively. (Once on the same King Abimelech)
(see 12:13, 20:2). 26:7
Jacob names Bethel for the first time, before
meeting Rachel. Later in 35:15, just before Rachel dies, he
names Bethel again. (And it was called Bethel long before it was named Bethel in 12:8 and
Jacob says that if God will be with him, feed him and clothe him, and help him to return home in peace,
then Jacob will be his God. (If you give me what I want, I'll worship you.) 28:21
Jacob is tricked by Laban, the father of Rachel and Leah. Jacob asks for Rachel so
that he can "go in unto her." But Laban gives him Leah instead, and Jacob "went in unto her
[Leah]" by mistake. Jacob was fooled until morning -- apparently he didn't know who he was
going in unto. Finally they worked things out and Jacob got to "go in unto" Rachel, too.
"And Jacob went in unto her. And Bilhah conceived, and bare Jacob a son." (These
arrangements never seem to produce daughters.) 30:4
Leah, not to be outdone, gives Jacob her maid (Zilpah) "to wife." And Zilpah "bare
Jacob a son." 30:9
Rachel trades her husband's favors for some mandrakes. And so, when Jacob came
home, Leah said: "Thou must come in unto me, for surely I have hired thee with my son's
mandrakes. And he lay with her that night." Presumably God, by telling us this edifying story, is
teaching us something about sexual ethics. 30:15-16
And finally, "God remembered Rachel ... and opened her womb. And she conceived
and bare a son [surprise, surprise]." 30:22
Laban learns "by experience" that God has blessed him for Jacob's sake. "By experience"
means "by divination", at least that is how
most other versions translate this verse.
Jacob displays his (and God's) knowledge of biology by having goats copulate while
looking at streaked rods. The result is streaked baby goats. 30:37-39
God (or an angel) praises Jacob for his fancy genetic work in 30:37-39.
"Jacob went on his way, and the angels of God met him. And when Jacob saw them, he said, This is God's host." 32:1-2
Jacob wrestles with god and wins. God changes Jacob's name to Israel to signify
that he wrestled with God and "prevailed." 32:24-30
Unable to beat Jacob in a fair fight, God dislocates Jacob's leg. 32:25
God begs Jacobs to let him go, but Jacob says, "Not unless you bless me." So God blessed Jacob and Jacob let God go.
"What is thy name?" (God didn't know Jacob's name.) 32:27
God renames Jacob for the first time. God says that Jacob will henceforth be called Israel, but the Bible continues to call him Jacob anyway.
And even God himself calls him Jacob in 46:2. 32:28
"Tell me, I pray thee, thy name."
God refuses to tell Jacob his name. (It's a secret.) 32:29
"Therefore the children of Israel eat not of the sinew ...."
Jews don't eat the sinew of something or other because God messed with Jacob's leg while wrestling with him. (Now that's a good reason!)
"I have seen thy face, as though I had seen the face of God."
Since Jacob just saw the face of God a few verses ago (Genesis 32:30), he ought to know what God looks like.
So now we do too. God looks just like Esau! Which is kind of strange, since God hates Esau. So all those
pictures of God that you've seen? They had it all wrong. God is a redhead, just like Esau was. In fact, God is covered with
red hair all over his body. 33:10
Chapter 36 presents another boring genealogy that we are told to avoid in
1 Timothy 1:4 and Titus 3:9 ("Avoid foolish
questions and genealogies.") 36:1-43
Amalek was born many years after his descendants were "smitten." (14:7)
Jacob sent his favorite son (Joseph) to check up on his brothers who were tending flocks in
was about fifty miles north of Hebron.
When he got there, he found out that his brothers weren't there, but were another thirteen miles away in
Dothan. The trip
must have taken poor Joseph a week or so. 37:12-17
"And Jacob rent his clothes, and put sackcloth upon his loins." 37:34
Tamar (the widow of Er and Onan, who were killed by God) dresses up as a
prostitute and Judah (her father-in-law) propositions her, saying: "Let me come in unto thee ....
And he ... came in unto her, and she conceived by him." From this incestuous union, twins
(38:27-28) were born (both were boys of course). One of these was Pharez -- an ancestor of
Jesus (Lk.3:33). 38:13-18
Tamar bore twins after she was impregnated by her father-in-law (Judah), one of which was Pharez, an ancestor of Jesus.
(Matthew 1:3, Luke 3:33) 38:27-29
Pharaoh's first dream.
There were these seven fat, good-looking cows that came out of the Nile, followed by seven skinny, ugly cows.
The skinny cows ate the fat ones. 41:1-4
Pharaoh's second dream. This time seven skinny heads of grain at seven fat ones. 41:5-7
None of the Pharaoh's magicians or wise men could interpret his dreams, so they called Joseph. Joseph said it was simple.
God was going to send seven good years followed by seven years of famine.
And the famine would be world-wide and "very grievous." 41:8-32
There was a seven year, God-created famine over the entire earth. 41:56
"All countries came into Egypt to Joseph for to buy corn."
The Aztecs, the Chinese, and the Indigenous Australians all came to Joseph to buy grain. 41:57
"And Joseph knew his brethren, but they knew not him."
Stupid stories like this can only be found in the Bible (and the Quran). 42:8
"He washed his garments in wine ... His eyes shall be red with wine."
Did Judah really wash his clothes in wine? Were his eyes bloodshot from drinking too much? Or is this a prophecy of Jesus?
(I didn't know Jesus had a drinking problem.) 49:11-12