Bible: Family Values
-In the Quran
-In the Book of Mormon
-SAB DB Forum

Dwindling in Unbelief: Favmily Values
-Biblical Family Values: An analysis by book




Biblical Family Values

    Genesis

  1. Because God liked Abel's animal sacrifice more than Cain's vegetables, Cain kills his brother Abel in a fit of religious jealousy. 4:8

  2. Lamech is the first of a long line of biblical men with more than one wife. It seems that God approves of such marriages. 4:19

  3. The "just and righteous" Noah (6:9, 7:1) plants a vineyard, gets drunk, and lies around naked in his tent. His son, Ham, happens to see his father in this condition. When Noah sobers up and hears "what his young son had done unto him" (what did he do besides look at him?), he curses not Ham, who "saw the nakedness of his father," but Ham's son, Canaan. "A servant of servants shall he [Canaan] be unto his brethren." This is a typical case of biblical justice, and is one of many Bible passages that have been used to justify slavery. 9:20-25

  4. "And Noah awoke from his wine, and knew what his younger son had done unto him."
    What did Ham do? Did he just look at his naked father or was there something more to it than that? Some commentators have suggested that Ham committed homosexual rape on his drunken father, and that this was why Ham's descendants were eternally punished with slavery. 9:24

  5. Abram makes his wife lie for him, by telling the Egyptians that she is his sister. But at least it was half-true, since she was his half-sister. Such incestuous marriages are condemned elsewhere in the Bible, but god makes an exception for Abram and Sarai. (See Genesis 17:15-16 where God blesses their marriage.) 12:13

  6. Sarai is the first of a long line of barren women who were desperate for children. (In the Bible, it is the women who are barren, never the men.) She sends Abram into her handmaid, Hagar, so that she can "obtain children by her." Abram gladly complies. 16:1-4

  7. Hagar conceives, making Sarai jealous. Abram tells Sarai to do to Hagar whatever she wants. "And when Sarai dealt hardly with her, she fled." 16:6

  8. An uncircumcised boy is to be abandoned by his parents and community. 17:14

  9. "I will not destroy it for ten's sake."
    I guess God couldn't find even ten good Sodomites because he decides to kill them all in Genesis 19. Too bad Abraham didn't ask God about the children. Why not save them? If Abraham could find 10 good children, toddlers, infants, or babies, would God spare the city? Apparently not. God doesn't give a damn about children. 18:32

  10. Lot refuses to give up his angels to the perverted mob, offering his two "virgin daughters" instead. He tells the bunch of angel rapers to "do unto them [his daughters] as is good in your eyes." This is the same man that is called "just" and "righteous" in 2 Peter 2:7-8. 19:8

  11. God kills everyone (men, women, children, infants, newborns) in Sodom and Gomorrah by raining "fire and brimstone from the Lord out of heaven." Well, almost everyone -- he spares the "just and righteous" Lot and his family.19:24

  12. Lot's nameless wife looks back, and God turns her into a pillar of salt. 19:26

  13. Lot and his daughters camp out in a cave for a while. The daughters get their "just and righteous" father drunk, and have sexual intercourse with him, and each conceives and bears a son (wouldn't you know it!). Just another wholesome family values Bible story. 19:30-38

  14. Honest Abe does the same "she's my sister" routine again, for the same cowardly reason. And once again, the king just couldn't resist Sarah -- even though by now she is over 90 years old. (See Gen.12:13-20 for the first, nearly identical, episode.) 20:2

  15. God gets angry with king Abimelech, though the king hasn't even touched Sarah. He says to the king, "Behold, thou art but a dead man," and threatens to kill him and all of his people. To compensate for the crime he never committed, Abimelech gives Abraham sheep, oxen, slaves, silver, and land. Finally, after Abraham "prayed unto God," God lifts his punishment to Abimelech, "for the Lord had fast closed up all the wombs of the house of Abimelech, because of Sarah." 20:3-18

  16. God "closed all the wombs" because Abimelech believed Abe's lie. 20:18

  17. Abraham married his sister, and God blessed their marriage (17:15-16). 20:12

  18. Sarah, after giving birth to Isaac, gets angry again at Hagar (see 16:5-6) and tells Abraham to 'cast out this bondwoman and her son." God commands Abraham to "hearken unto her voice." So Abraham abandons Hagar and Ishmael, casting them out into the wilderness to die. 21:10-14

  19. After the water ran out, Hagar left Ishmael alone to die. But God heard the infant crying, so he had an angel cry to Hagar from heaven, telling her not to worry. God heard the child's cry and opened Hagar's eyes so she could see a well, filled with water. God said he'd make Ishmael a great nation, and the child became an archer. 21:14-20

  20. God orders Abraham to kill Isaac as a burnt offering. Abraham shows his love for God by his willingness to murder his son. But finally, just before Isaac's throat is slit, God provides a goat to kill instead. 22:2-13

  21. Abraham shows his willingness to kill his son for God. Only an evil God would ask a father to do that; only a bad father would be willing to do it. 22:10

  22. "Because thou hast done this thing, and hast not withheld thy son, thine only son."
    Why did God love Abraham so much? Because he was willing to murder his son for him. (Greater evil hath no man than this, that he is willing to kill his own son for God.) 22:16

  23. "And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her."
    Rebekah became Isaac's wife when he "took" her and had sex with her. No marriage ceremony was performed, no vows were exchanged. 24:67

  24. "Abraham gave all that he had unto Isaac."
    Abraham gave everything he had to Isaac, ignoring his other sons (Ishmael, Zimran, Jokshan, Medan, Midian,Ishbak, and Shuah), as well as all of his nameless and unmentioned daughters, along with God knows how many other children he had with his other concubines. 25:2

  25. Abraham had several concubines. 25:6a

  26. "Abraham ... sent them [all of his sons (and daughters) except Isaac] away from Isaac his son."
    Abraham sent all of his sons (and daughters?) away from his "only son" Isaac. 25:6b

  27. Isaac loved Esau because Esau was a hunter and Isaac loved venison. Rebekah loved Jacob, but God hated Esau (see Romans 9:13). No reason is given for why one son is loved while the other is hated. But since God chose to act this way, it must have been as an example for parents to follow. Have you decided which of your children to hate? 25:28

  28. Isaac uses the same "she's my sister" lie that his father twice used so effectively. (Once on the same King Abimelech) (see 12:13, 20:2). 26:7

  29. Esau "takes" two wives. 26:34

  30. Jacob, with coaching from his mother, obtains Isaac's blessing by lying. God seems to have been fooled as well. 27:19

  31. Esau, who already had two wives (26:34), "takes" another. 28:9

  32. Jacob offers to work for seven years to pay for Rachel. As it turns out, he is tricked into having sex with her sister, Leah, instead, so he has to work for another seven years so in order to pay for them both. 29:18-30

  33. Jacob is tricked by Laban, the father of Rachel and Leah. Jacob asks for Rachel so that he can "go in unto her." But Laban gives him Leah instead, and Jacob "went in unto her [Leah]" by mistake. Jacob was fooled until morning -- apparently he didn't know who he was going in unto. Finally they worked things out and Jacob got to "go in unto" Rachel, too. 29:21-30

  34. Jacob finally gets to "go in unto" Rachel. He loved Rachel more than Leah. 29:30

  35. Since Jacob hated Leah, God decided to "open her womb" and make Rachel barren. (Like he did to Sarah and Rebekah.) 29:31

  36. Leah conceives and bears four sons. And it's a good thing, too, since her husband hated her until then for not giving him any sons. 29:32-34

  37. "Give me children or else I die." Rachel considers herself worthless if she cannot produce children for her husband. But luckily she has an idea. She says to Jacob, "Behold my maid Bilhah, go in unto her." She solved the problem the same way as did Sarah (16:2). "And Jacob went in unto her. And Bilhah conceived, and bare Jacob a son." (These arrangements rarely produce daughters.) 30:1-4

  38. Leah, not to be outdone, gives Jacob her maid (Zilpah) "to wife." And Zilpah "bare Jacob a son." 30:9

  39. Rachel trades her husband's favors for some mandrakes. And so, when Jacob came home, Leah said: "Thou must come in unto me, for surely I have hired thee with my son's mandrakes. And he lay with her that night." Presumably God, by telling us this edifying story, is teaching us something about sexual ethics. 30:15-16

  40. Leah thinks her husband will honor her now that she has given him six sons. 30:20

  41. "Then Jacob ... set his ... wives upon camels." Jacob had four wives (or two wives and two concubines -- this distinction is not clear in the Bible): Rachel, Leah, Billah, and Zilpah. There is no indication that God disapproves of this arrangement. 31:17

  42. Jacob has two wives and two concubines, continuing the biblical tradition of polygamy. 32:22

  43. Dinah, the daughter of Jacob, is "defiled" by a man who seems to love her dearly. Her brothers trick all of the men of the town and kill them (after first having them all circumcised), and then take their wives and children captive. 34:1-31

  44. "Reuben went and lay with his father's concubine."  35:22, 49:4

  45. Esau (Isaac's son) had several wives (continuing the tradition of polygamy, with no editorial comment from the Bible). 36:2, 6

  46. Jacob loved Joseph more than his other children, and he made it pretty obvious. So the other kids in the family hated Joseph. (God didn't seem to mind; he liked Joseph best, too.) 37:3-4

  47. Judah has casual sex with a Canaanite woman which results in two sons, Er and Onan. 38:2-4

  48. After God killed Er, Judah tells Onan to "go in unto they brother's wife." But "Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and ... when he went in unto his brother's wife ... he spilled it on the ground.... And the thing which he did displeased the Lord; wherefore he slew him also." This lovely Bible story is seldom read in Sunday School, but it is the basis of many Christian doctrines, including the condemnation of both masturbation and birth control. 38:8-10

  49. Tamar (the widow of Er and Onan, who were killed by God) dresses up as a prostitute and Judah (her father-in-law) propositions her, saying: "Let me come in unto thee .... And he ... came in unto her, and she conceived by him." 38:13-18

  50. After Judah pays Tamar for her services, he is told that she "played the harlot" and "is with child by whoredom." When Judah hears this, he says, "Bring her forth, and let her be burnt." 38:24

    Exodus

  51. God threatens to kill the Pharaoh's firstborn son. 4:23

  52. Moses was the product of an incestuous marriage. 6:20

  53. God explains to Moses that he intends to "smite all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, both man and beast. 12:12

  54. After God has sufficiently hardened the Pharaoh's heart, he kills all the firstborn Egyptian children. When he was finished "there was not a house where there was not one dead." Finally, he runs out of little babies to kill, so he slaughters the firstborn cattle, too. 12:29

  55. Moses kisses his father-in-law (Jethro, Hobab, or Reul) and treats him as though he were a king, but he completely ignores his wife (Zipporah, who in 4:24-26 saved him from God's attempt to murder him) and two sons. 18:6-27

  56. God says it's okay for slave owners to split up slave families. 21:4

  57. "His master shall bore his ear through with an aul; and he shall serve him for ever." 21:6

  58. How to sell your daughter -- and what to do if she fails to please her new master. 21:7-8

  59. God's instructions for taking a second wife. 21:10

  60. A child who hits or curses his parents must be executed. 21:15, 17

  61. If you "entice" an "unmarried maid" to "lie" with you, then you must marry her, unless the father refuses to give her to you, in which case you must pay him the going price for virgins. 22:16-17

  62. If you make God angry enough, he will kill you and your family with his own sword. 22:24

  63. "The firstborn of thy sons thou shalt give unto me." (As a burnt offering?) 22:29

  64. God tells the Israelites to kill their family and friends for dancing naked around Aaron's golden calf. 32:27-28

  65. God says that he visits "the iniquity of the fathers upon the children, and upon the children's children, unto the third and fourth generation." 34:7

    Leviticus

  66. Two of the sons of Aaron "offered strange fire before the Lord" and "there went out fire from the Lord, and devoured them, and they died before the Lord." 10:1-2

  67. "And Aaron held his peace."
    Aaron watched in silence as God burned to death his sons. 10:3

  68. Moses tells Aaron that his sons were burned to death to sanctify and glorify God. 10:3

  69. Moses tells Aaron's cousins to drag the burned bodies out of the camp, and he warns Aaron not to mourn the death of his sons or God will kill him too, along with everyone else. 10:4-6

  70. "She shall be unclean."
    Women are dirty and sinful after childbirth, so God prescribes rituals for their purification. (And baby girls make them twice as sinful and dirty as baby boys do.) 12:1-5

  71. "If a woman have conceived seed, and born a man child: then she shall be unclean seven days ... And she shall then continue in the blood of her purifying three and thirty days."
    If a boy is born, the mother is unclean for 7 days and must be purified for 33 days. 12:2, 4

  72. "But if she bear a maid child, then she shall be unclean two weeks ... and she shall continue in the blood of her purifying threescore and six days."
    If a girl is born, the mother is unclean for 14 days and be purified for 66 days. This is because, in the eyes of God, girls are twice as dirty as boys. 12:5

  73. "She shall bring a lamb ... for a burnt offering, and... a young pigeon, or dove, for a sin offering."
    After a woman gives birth, a priest must kill a lamb, pigeon, or dove as a sin offering. This is because having children is sinful and God likes it when things are killed for him. 12:6

  74. "She shall be cleansed from the issue of her blood." 12:7

  75. "If she be not able to bring a lamb, then she shall bring two turtles, or two young pigeons ... and she shall be clean." 12:8

  76. "For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall surely be put to death." Couldn't we try spanking first? 20:9

  77. If a man has sex with his father's wife, kill them both. 20:11

  78. If a man has sex with his daughter in law, kill them both. 20:12

  79. If you "lie" with your wife and your mother-in-law (now that sounds fun!), all three of your must be burned to death. 20:14

  80. Don't have sex with your sister, uncle's wife, or your brother's wife -- and tell them to wear clothes whenever you're around. 20:17, 19-21

  81. A priest's daughter who "plays the whore" is to be burned to death. 21:9

  82. God tells the Israelites to make slaves out of their neighbors and their families. The "heathens" and "strangers" are to be their possessions forever. 25:44-46

  83. "Ye shall sow your seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it." 26:16

  84. "I will also send wild beasts among you, which shall rob you of your children." 26:22

  85. "And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat." 26:29

    Numbers

  86. Two of Aaron's sons are killed by God for "offering strange fire before the Lord." 3:4

  87. The Law of Jealousies. If a man suspects his wife of being unfaithful, he reports it to the priest. The priest then makes her drink some "bitter water." If she is guilty, the water makes her thigh rot and her belly swell. If innocent, no harm done -- the woman is free and will "conceive seed." In any case, "the man shall be guiltless from iniquity, and this woman shall bear her iniquity." 5:11-31

  88. "And the spirit of jealousy come upon him ... and she be defiled: or if the spirit of jealousy come upon him ... and she be not defiled."
    If a husband is jealous, his wife must submit to the law of jealousies whether she was "defiled" or not. 5:14

  89. "Then shall the man bring his wife unto the priest ... And the priest shall ... set her before the LORD ... and the priest shall have in his hand the bitter water that causeth the curse." 5:15-17

  90. "And the priest shall ... say unto the woman, If no man have lain with thee ... be thou free from this bitter water that causeth the curse." 5:19

  91. "Then the priest shall charge the woman with an oath of cursing, and the priest shall say unto the woman, The LORD make thee a curse and an oath among thy people, when the LORD doth make thy thigh to rot, and thy belly to swell." 5:20-21

  92. "But if ... some man have lain with thee beside thine husband ... The LORD make thee a curse and an oath among thy people, when the LORD doth make thy thigh to rot, and thy belly to swell." 5:22

  93. "And he shall cause the woman to drink the bitter water that causeth the curse." 5:24

  94. "And when he hath made her to drink the water ... if she be defiled ... the water that causeth the curse shall ... become bitter, and her belly shall swell, and her thigh shall rot: and the woman shall be a curse among her people." 5:27

  95. "And if the woman be not defiled, but be clean; then she shall be free, and shall conceive seed." 5:28

  96. "Then shall the man be guiltless from iniquity, and this woman shall bear her iniquity." 5:31

  97. Because of a dispute between Korah and Moses, God has the ground open up and swallow Korah, Dathan, and Abiram "and their wives, and their sons, and their little children." Then, just for the hell of it, God has a fire burn to death 250 "men that offered incense." 16:20-35

  98. Another God-assisted genocide: Bashan and all his people. 21:34-35

  99. When one of the Israelite men brings home a foreign woman, "Phinehas (Aaron's grandson) sees them and throws a spear "through the man .. and the woman through her belly." This act pleases God so much that "the plague was stayed from the children of Israel." But not before 24,000 had died. 25:6-9

  100. For impaling the interracial couple, God rewards Phinehas and his sons with the everlasting priesthood. 25:10-13

  101. Under God's direction, Moses' army defeats the Midianites. They kill all the adult males, but take the women and children captive. When Moses learns that they left some live, he angrily says: "Have you saved all the women alive? Kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves." So they went back and did as Moses (and presumably God) instructed, killing everyone except for the virgins. In this way they got 32,000 virgins -- Wow! (Even God gets some of the booty -- including the virgins.) 31:1-54

  102. God killed all the Egyptian firstborn. 33:4

    Deuteronomy

  103. At God's instructions, the Israelites "utterly destroyed the men, women, and the little ones" leaving "none to remain." 2:33-36

  104. The Israelites, with God's help, kill all the men, women, and children of every city. 3:3-6

  105. "And we utterly destroyed them, as we did unto Sihon king of Heshbon, utterly destroying the men, women, and children, of every city." 3:6

  106. If your brother, son, daughter, wife, or friend tries to get you to worship another god, "thou shalt surely kill him, thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death." 13:6-10

  107. In the cities that god "delivers into thine hands" you must kill all the males (including old men, boys, and babies) with "the edge of the sword .... But the women ... shalt thou take unto yourself." 20:13

  108. "But of the cities ... which the Lord thy God doth give thee for an inheritance, thou shalt save alive nothing that breatheth." Kill the old men and women, the sick and the dying, the blind and the lame, pregnant mothers, nursing mothers, infants, toddlers, and babies. 20:16

  109. If you see a pretty woman among the captives and would like her for a wife, then just bring her home and "go in unto her." Later, if you decide you don't like her, you can "let her go." 21:11-14

  110. Rules for those who have two wives: "one beloved, and another hated." 21:15-17

  111. How to treat your hated children. 21:15-17

  112. If you have a "stubborn and rebellious son," then you and the other men in your neighborhood "shall stone him with stones that he die." 21:18-21

  113. If a man marries, then decides that he hates his wife, he can claim she wasn't a virgin when they were married. If her father can't produce the "tokens of her virginity" (bloody sheets), then the woman is to be stoned to death at her father's doorstep. 22:13-21

  114. If a betrothed virgin is raped in the city and doesn't cry out loud enough, then "the men of the city shall stone her to death." 22:23-24

  115. If a man rapes an unbetrothed virgin, he must pay her father 50 shekels of silver and then marry her. 22:28-29

  116. God won't let bastards attend church. Neither can the sons or daughters of bastards "even to the tenth generation." So if you plan to attend church next Sunday be ready to prove that your genitals are intact and don't forget your birth certificate and genealogical records for at least the last ten generations. Don't laugh. This stuff is important to God. 23:2

  117. If two men fight and the wife of one grabs the "secrets" of the other, "then thou shalt cut off her hand" and "thine eye shall not pity her." 25:11-12

  118. "Cursed shall be the fruit of thy body." 28:18

  119. "Thou shalt betroth a wife, and another man shall lie with her." 28:30

  120. "Thy sons and thy daughters shall be given unto another people." 28:32

  121. "Thou shalt begat sons and daughters, but thou shall not enjoy them; for they shall go into captivity." 28:41

  122. "All these curses shall come upon thee ... and upon thy seed for ever." 28:45

  123. "And thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and of thy daughters." 28:53

  124. "So that the man that is tender among you, and very delicate, his eye shall be evil toward his brother, and toward the wife of his bosom, and toward the remnant of his children which he shall leave: So that he will not give to any of them of the flesh of his children whom he shall eat." 28:54-55

  125. "The tender and delicate woman" will be forced to eat her own children "that cometh out from between her feet." 28:56-57

  126. When God gets mad -- watch out! He'll starve you to death, burn you with fire, and send vicious beasts to devour you. He'll "destroy both the young man and the virgin, the suckling also with the man of gray hairs." Not even the helpless and innocent are spared by this psychotic God. 32:21-26

  127. "The sword without, and terror within, shall destroy both the young man and the virgin, the suckling also with the man of gray hairs." 32:25

    Joshua

  128. Joshua's spies visit and "came unto" a prostitute in Jericho. They weren't very discreet about it either, since the King of Jericho soon found out about it. The king's officials ask Rahab to "bring forth the men that are come to thee." 2:1-4

  129. "And the city shall be accursed ... and all that therein, to the Lord: only Rahab the harlot shall live." 6:17

  130. "And they utterly destroyed all that was in the city, both man and woman, young and old, and ox, and sheep, and ass, with the edge of the sword." 6:21

  131. After killing everyone, "they burnt the city with fire, and all that was therein." Only the valuables (silver, gold, brass, and iron) did they keep to "put into the treasury of the house of the Lord." 6:24

  132. Joshua says that those who try to rebuild Jericho will be accursed by God, and will have to sacrifice both their oldest and their youngest sons in its construction. But Jericho still exists today, and is often considered to be the world's oldest, continuously occupied city. 6:26

  133. If you happen to see "the accursed thing," don't touch it. If you do, you, your family, and all of your animals must be burned. 7:15

  134. "And Joshua ... took Achan ... and his sons, and his daughters, and his oxen, and his sheep... And all of Israel stoned them with stones, and burned them with fire, after they had stoned them with stones." This is because Achan "took of the accursed thing" -- whatever that means. But why would God require that Achan's sons and daughters (and even his animals) be stoned to death along with him? The Bible doesn't say. But it does tell us that "the Lord turned from the fierceness of his anger" when Achan, his children, and his animals were stoned to death and their dead bodies burned. 7:24-26

  135. "When Israel had made an end of slaying all the inhabitants of Ai in the field ... all the Israelites returned unto Ai, and smote it with the edge of the sword." 8:24

  136. "All that fell that day, both of men and women, were twelve thousand." 8:25

  137. Joshua, at God's command, kills everyone and everything that he can find (including babies and little children)-- or, as the Bible puts it, he "utterly destroyed all that breathed, as the Lord commanded." 10:28-32

  138. "Joshua passed unto Eglon ... and smote it with the edge of the sword, and all the souls that were therein he utterly destroyed." 10:34-35

  139. "Joshua went ... unto Hebron ... and smote it with the edge of the sword ... and all the cities ... and all the souls that were therein; he left none remaining." 10:36-37

  140. "Joshua returned ... to Debir ... And he took it ... and all the cities ... and they smote them with the edge of the sword, and utterly destroyed all the souls that were therein; he left none remaining."10:38-39

  141. "So Joshua ... left none remaining, but utterly destroyed all that breathed, as the LORD God of Israel commanded." 10:40

  142. God delivers the Hazorites into Joshua's hand, and he knows just what to do with them: he smites them all with (you guessed it) the edge of the sword until "there was not any left to breathe." 11:6-17

  143. "And they smote all the souls that were therein with the edge of the sword, utterly destroying them: there was not any left to breathe." 11:11

  144. "And all the cities of those kings, and all the kings of them, did Joshua take, and smote them with the edge of the sword, and he utterly destroyed them, as Moses the servant of the LORD commanded." 11:12

  145. "Every man they smote with the edge of the sword, until they had destroyed them, neither left they any to breathe." 11:14

  146. "Joshua destroyed them utterly with their cities." 11:21

  147. Caleb offers to give his daughter to whoever conquers the city of Debir. Caleb's nephew wins the contest and is given his cousin for a prize. 15:16-17

    Judges

  148. Caleb offers to give his daughter to anyone who conquers the city of Debir. Caleb's nephew wins the contest and is given his cousin for a prize. 1:12-13

  149. Gideon orders his son to kill two kings, but he refuses. So Gideon has to do it himself since his son isn't "man" enough to do it. 8:20-21

  150. Gideon had 70 sons (no one knows how many daughters) "for he had many wives." 8:30

  151. Abimelech kills 70 brothers "upon one stone." (He was trying to get in the Guinness Book of World Records.) 9:5

  152. When "the spirit of the Lord" comes upon Jephthah, he makes a deal with God: If God will help him kill the Ammonites, then he (Jephthah) will offer to God as a burnt offering whatever comes out of his house to greet him. God keeps his end of the deal by providing Jephthah with "a very great slaughter." But when Jephthah returns, his nameless daughter comes out to greet him (who'd he expect, his wife?). Well, a deal's a deal, so he delivers her to God as a burnt offering -- after letting her spend a couple of months going up and down on the mountains bewailing her virginity. 11:29-39

  153. "Her father ... did with her according to his vow which he had vowed." 11:39

  154. "Samson ... saw a woman ... of the daughters of the Philistines ... And Samson said unto his father ... Get her for me; for she pleaseth me well." 14:1-3

  155. After ripping up the lion, Samson went to visit the Philistine woman that he fell in lust with earlier. "And she pleased Samson well." 14:7

  156. "But Samson's wife was given to his companion, whom he had used as his friend." 14:20

  157. Samson's father-in-law gave Samson's wife away to a friend, since he thought Samson "hated" her. He suggests that Samson take his younger daughter instead, saying the younger one's prettier anyway. 15:2

  158. "Then went Samson to Gaza, and saw there an harlot, and went in unto her." 16:1

  159. "Afterward ... he loved a woman ... whose name was Delilah." 16:4

  160. After taking in a traveling Levite, the host offers his virgin daughter and his guest's concubine to a mob of perverts (who want to have sex with his guest). The mob refuses the daughter, but accepts the concubine and they "abuse her all night." The next morning she crawls back to the doorstep and dies. The Levite puts her dead body on an ass and takes her home. Then he chops her body up into twelve pieces and sends them to each of the twelve tribes of Israel. 19:22-30

  161. After the Israelites heard the Levite's story (about chopping up his dead concubine and sending her body parts to each tribe of Israel) they vowed not to "give" their daughters to the Benjamites. So now they had a problem: they just finished killing all the Benjamite women and children (Jg 20:48) so there were no women for the surviving Benjamite men to marry. [There were 600 Benjamite men that survived the war with the Israelites. (Jg 20:47)] 21:1-7

  162. To find wives for the Benjamites (they were unwilling to use their own daughters), the other tribes attacked and killed all occupants of a city except for the young virgins. These virgins were then given to the Benjamites for wives. 21:7-23

  163. Here's what the Israelites decide to do. They will go and kill everyone in Jabeshgilead except for the virgin women and give them to the 600 surviving Benjamites. 21:11

  164. So the Israelites killed all the non-virgin women and children in Jabeshgilead, bringing back 400 virgin women to give to the Benjamites. But they were still 200 short. Damn! 21:12-14

  165. Then the elders of the congregation said, How shall we do for wives for them that remain, seeing the women are destroyed out of Benjamin?" 21:16

  166. So they come up with another brilliant plan. Have the Benjamites hide in the bushes and then catch the daughters of Shiloh when they come out to dance. So that's what they did and everyone lived happily ever after. 21:19-23

    Ruth

  167. Naomi (Ruth's mother-in-law) advises Ruth as to how to best seduce Boaz. She tells her to wait until he is a bit drunk and has fallen asleep. Then "go in and uncover his feet [a biblical euphemism for male genitals], and lay thee down; and he will tell thee what to do." 3:3-4

  168. Ruth does as Naomi says, and then at midnight Boaz wakes up and finds Ruth "at his feet." He asks who she is, and she says, "I am Ruth thine handmaid: spread therefore your skirt over thine handmaid." 3:7-9

  169. Boaz seems agreeable to the suggestion and says, "I will do thee all that thou requirest." Next he asks her to "Tarry this night ... lie down until the morning." so Ruth "lay at his feet until morning." 3:11-14

  170. Boaz purchases Ruth to be his wife. 4:10

    1 Samuel

  171. "He [Samuel's father] had two wives." 1:2

  172. "The Lord had shut up her [Hannah's] womb." 1:5

  173. The sons of Eli had sex with women "at the door of the tabernacle." 2:22

  174. "A man of God unto Eli, and said unto him, Thus saith the LORD ... I will cut off thine arm... There shall not be an old man in thine house for ever ... I shall ... consume thine eyes and ... grieve thine heart."
    A "man of God" tells Eli that God will "consume his eyes" and "grieve his heart" and make sure that all of his decendants will die young" because of the stuff his sons did. 2:27-32

  175. "And this shall be a sign unto thee, that shall come upon thy two sons, on Hophni and Phinehas; in one day they shall die both of them."
    God says he'll kill his two sons as a sign to him. (Just ot remind him of the nasty things he plans to do to him and his descendants to punish him for what his sons did.) 2:34

  176. God will punish Eli's descendants forever for the sins of Eli's sons. 3:12-13

  177. Samuel tells Eli that God will punish his descendants forever (3:12-13) and Eli says, "Okay, whatever God wants is fine with me." 3:18

  178. "The two sons of Eli, Hophni and Phinehas, were slain."
    God killed Eli's sons as he promised to do. (See 2:25 and 34) 4:11

  179. God orders Saul to kill all of the Amalekites: men, women, infants, sucklings, ox, sheep, camels, and asses. Why? Because God remembers what Amalek did hundreds of years ago. 15:2-3

  180. Saul killed everyone but Agag (the king) and the best of the animals. But still God was furious with Saul for not killing everything as he had been told to do. He said, "it repenteth me that I have set Saul up to be king." 15:7-26

  181. Saul is rebuked by Samuel for "doing evil in the sight of the Lord" by failing to kill all of the Amalekites. 15:18-19

  182. Because Saul didn't kill everyone as God commanded, God changes his mind about him being king. 15:23-26

  183. David kills 200 Philistines and brings their foreskins to Saul to buy his first wife (Saul's daughter Michal). Saul had only asked for 100 foreskins, but David was feeling generous. 18:25-27

  184. Saul kills 85 priests of Nob and all men, women, children, and animals in the city of Nob. 22:18-19

  185. "And it came to pass about ten days after, that the Lord smote Nabal, that he died." This was convenient for David who then took his property and his wife, Abigail. 25:38

  186. "When David heard that Nabal was dead, he said, Blessed be the LORD ... And David sent and communed with Abigail, to take her to him to wife." 25:39

  187. David takes his second wife (Abigail) after God killed her husband (Nabal). He also, at the same time, took another wife (#3), Ahinoam. In the meantime, Saul gave Michal (his daughter and David's first wife) to another man. 25:41-44

  188. "And David smote the land and left neither man nor woman alive." (No wonder God liked David so much!) 27:8-11

    2 Samuel

  189. "David went up thither, and his two wives also." 2:2

  190. David, by this time, has at least seven wives (Michal, Ahinoam, Abigail, Maacah, Haggith, Abital, and Ehlah), and he was just getting started. 3:2-5

  191. David says, "deliver me my wife Michal, which I espoused to me for a hundred foreskins of the Philistines." Well, he actually paid with two hundred foreskins (see 1 Samuel 18:27). 3:14

  192. Michal was bought by David with 200 Philistine foreskins (1 Sam 18:25-27), then she was "given" to Phatiel (1 Sam 25:44), and then "taken back" by David. Poor Phatiel must have loved her dearly since he "went along weeping behind her." 3:15-16

  193. "And David took him more concubines and wives." (How many? God knows I suppose, but he doesn't tell us in the Bible.) 5:13

  194. King David dances nearly naked in front of God and everybody. When Michal criticizes him for exposing himself, God punishes her by having "no child unto the day of her death." Although 21:8 says that she had five sons (which were sacrificed to God by David to stop God from starving people to death). 6:14-23

  195. David sees a woman (Bathsheba) bathing and likes what he sees. so he sends for her and commits adultery with her "for she was purified from her uncleanness." She conceives and bears a son (of course). 11:2-5

  196. David tells Joab (his captain) to send Bathsheba's husband (Uriah) to "the forefront of the hottest battle ... that he may be smitten and die." In this way, David gets another wife. 11:15, 11:17-27

  197. God gave the wives of King Saul to David. 12:7-8

  198. God is angry at David for having Uriah killed. As a punishment, he will have David's wives raped by his neighbor while everyone else watches. It turns out that the "neighbor" that God sends to do his dirty work is David's own son, Absalom (16:22). 12:11-12

  199. To punish David for having Uriah killed, God kills Bathsheba's baby boy. 12:14-18

  200. After Bathsheba's baby is killed by God, David comforts her by going "in unto her." She conceives and bears another son (Solomon). 12:24

  201. Ammon (David's son) says to his half-sister Tamar, "Come lie with me, my sister." But she resists, so he rapes her and then sends her away. Tamar, knowing that she now belongs to him (since she was a virgin), expects him to marry her, but he refuses. 13:1-22

  202. "When king David heard of all these things, he was very wroth."
    The New Revised Standard Version adds, "but he would not punish his son Amnon, because he loved him, for he was his firstborn."
    David loved Ammon "because he was his firstborn" (good parents love their firstborn sons more than their other kids). As the Brick Testament suggests, he probably said something like, "Oh well, I guess firstborns are entitled to one free incestuous rape." 13:21

  203. Absalom "went in unto his father's concubines in the sight of all Israel." This was according the God's plan as announced in 12:11-12. 16:21-22

  204. "And the king left ten women, which were concubines, to keep the house."
    David left Jerusalem because he was afraid that his son Absalom was going to kill him. But he left his concubines to fend for themselves. 15:16

  205. Absalom "went in unto his father's concubines in the sight of all Israel." This was according the God's plan as announced in 2 Sam.12:11-12. 16:21-22

  206. To punish his ten concubines for being raped by his son, Absalom (See 16:21-22), David refuses to ever again have sex with them and forces them to "keep house" for the rest of their lives. 20:3

  207. To appease God and end the famine that was caused by his predecessor (Saul), David agrees to have two of Saul's sons and five of his grandsons killed and hung up "unto the Lord." 21:6-9

  208. "They hanged them in the hill before the LORD." 21:9

  209. "They gathered the bones of them that were hanged ... And after that God was intreated for the land."
    God stopped the famine after Saul's two sons and five grandsons were killed and hung up for him. 21:13-14

    1 Kings

  210. Old King David tries to get some heat by having a beautiful virgin minister unto him. 1:1-4

  211. In David's last words, he commands his son Solomon to murder Joab and Shimei. 2:1-9

  212. Adonijah (Solomon's half-brother) sends Bathsheba (Solomon's mother) to ask King Solomon to let Adonijah have sex with his David's concubine Abishag. But Solomon had him murdered instead. 2:13-25

  213. Solomon has his brother (Adonijah) murdered. 2:24-25

  214. Solomon carries out the deathbed instructions of his father David by having Joab murdered. 2:29-34

  215. "King Solomon loved many strange women."
    God didn't mind the number so much; it was their "strangeness" that he objected to. 11:1

  216. "He [Solomon] had seven hundred wives ... and three hundred concubines." 11:3

  217. "In thy days I will not do it for David thy father's sake: but I will rend it out of the hand of thy son."
    God is angry with Solomon, but decides to punish Solomon's son rather than Solomon himself, because he liked Solomon's father (David) so darned much. 11:11-12

  218. "When thy feet enter into the city, the child shall die." 14:12

  219. "When she came to the threshold of the door, the child died."
    To punish Jeroboam for making gold calves, God killed his son. 14:17

  220. Did Abijam marry his own mother?
    Since Asa's father was Abijam and they had the same mother (Maachah), Abijam was both father and brother to Asa. 15:9-10

  221. Baasha kills "all of the house of Jeroboam" leaving none "to breath." This slaughter was done "according to the word of the Lord." 15:29

  222. "I will ... make thy house like the house of Jeroboam. Him that dieth of Baasha in the city shall the dogs eat; and him that dieth of his in the fields shall the fowls of the air eat."
    God says he's going to kill Baasha's family (like he did Jeroboam's). 16:3-4

  223. "He slew all the house of Baasha: he left him not one that pisseth against a wall, neither of his kinsfolks, nor of his friends. Thus did Zimri destroy all the house of Baasha, according to the word of the LORD."
    Zimri kills everyone "that pisseth against a wall ... according to the word of the Lord." 16:11-12

  224. "He laid the foundation thereof in Abiram his firstborn, and set up the gates thereof in his youngest son Segub, according to the word of the LORD."
    When Hiel rebuilds Jericho, he lays the foundation with the body of his oldest son and sets up the gates with his youngest son's body "according to the word of the Lord."
    Did God want Hiel to sacrifice his sons in this way? Did he make him do it? What does "according to the word of the Lord" mean here? 16:34

  225. "Seest thou how Ahab humbleth himself before me? because he humbleth himself before me, I will not bring the evil in his days: but in his son's days will I bring the evil upon his house."
    Since Ahab humbles himself before the Lord, God decides not to bring evil on him; he'll he'll bring it on Ahab's son instead. 21:29

    2 Kings

  226. God sends two bears to rip up 42 little children for making fun of Elisha's bald head. 2:23-24

  227. In a desperate attempt to halt the slaughter of his people by the Israelites, the king of Moab sacrifices his oldest son as a burnt offering. And it seems to have worked! 3:27

  228. Elisha not only can cure leprosy, he can also dish it out. Here he makes his servant (Gehazi) and all his descendants lepers forever. 5:27

  229. "So we boiled my son, and did eat him." Women killed, boiled and ate their own children because of a plague that God sent, or as the Bible puts it: "Behold, this evil is of the Lord." 6:28-29, 33

  230. "Thus saith the LORD God ... thou shalt smite the house of Ahab thy master, that I may avenge the blood of my servants the prophets, and the blood of all the servants of the LORD, at the hand of Jezebel." 9:6-7

  231. "For the whole house of Ahab shall perish: and I will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall." 9:8

  232. "I will make the house of Ahab like the house of Jeroboam ... Baasha."
    God will kill Ahab's family just like he did the families of Jeroboam and Baasha. 9:9

  233. God pays back Ahab by killing his son. 9:24

  234. All seventy of king Ahab's sons are killed, their heads put in baskets, and sent to Jezreel. He says, "Lay ye them in two heaps ..." 10:7-8

  235. Jehu kills all that remained of king Ahab's family. 10:11

  236. Jehu meets with 42 brothers of Ahaziah, and then he murders them. 2 Chronicles 22:7 says that his killing was "of God." 10:13-14

  237. I will send a blast upon him, and he shall hear a rumour, and shall return to his own land; and I will cause him to fall by the sword in his own land."
    God will cause Sennacherib to be killed by the sword. (See verse 37 where Sennacherib is killed by his own sons while praying.) 19:7

  238. "Sennacherib ... departed ... And ... as he was worshipping in the house of Nisroch his god, that Adrammelech and Sharezer his sons smote him with the sword."
    God made the sons murder their father. (See verse 7.) 19:36-37

    1 Chronicles

  239. "Keturah, Abraham's concubine" 1:23

  240. "And Tamar his daughter in law bore him Pharez...." See Genesis 38 for all the sordid details. 2:4

  241. Since Sheshan had no sons (and was getting impatient about it), he gave one of his daughters to a slave so they could produce a son for him. 2:34-35

  242. Ashur had two wives, continuing the long line of biblical polygamists. 4:5

  243. "And David took more wives" with the apparent approval of God. 14:3

    2 Chronicles

  244. Rehoboam loved Maachah the daughter of Absalom above all his wives and his concubines." 11:21a

  245. "He took eighteen wives, and threescore concubines." 11:21b

  246. "And begat twenty and eight sons, and threescore daughters."
    Rehoboam had 88 children (28 sons and 60 daughters) and wins the Bible's Quiverfull prize. 11:21c

  247. "Rehoboam ... dealt wisely ... and desired many wives." 11:22-23

  248. "But Abijah waxed mighty, and married fourteen wives." Apparently, in the eyes of God, a man's status is determined by the number of wives that he possesses. 13:21

  249. "Whosoever would not seek the LORD God of Israel should be put to death, whether small or great, whether man or woman." 15:13

  250. Elijah tells Jehoram that God will smite his children, wives, and the people of Judah with a great plague (for things that Jehoram did) and God will smite him with a disease of his bowels until his bowels fall out. 21:14-15

  251. The LORD stirred up against Jehoram the spirit of the Philistines, and of the Arabians ... And they came up into Judah, and ... and carried away ... his sons also, and his wives; so that there was never a son left him, save Jehoahaz, the youngest of his sons." 21:16-17

  252. "Jehoiada took for him two wives" -- without comment, complaint, or criticism from the bible. 24:3

  253. The Israelites enslave 200,000 women and children "because they had forsaken the Lord God of their fathers." 28:6, 8

  254. God gets angry with his people, so he sends the king of the Chaldees to kill all the "young men with the sword." He has compassion for no one, not even old men that are "stooped for age." In his tender mercy and loving kindness he has them all slaughtered. 36:16-17

    Ezra

  255. The Israelites offend God by "taking" foreign wives and thereby corrupting "the holy seed." 9:2

  256. Ezra tells the men that they must abandon their wives and children if they are to avoid God's wrath. 10:2-3, 10-12

    Esther

  257. King Ahasuerus throws a party and encourages his guests to drink to excess. Then, when they are all drunk, he orders Queen Vashti to show her stuff before him and his guests. 1:7-11

  258. Vashti refuses to entertain the king's drunken guests by dancing before them. For this she is no longer to be queen, to be replaced by someone better (prettier?). 1:12-19

  259. Because of Vashti's disobedience, the king decrees that "all the wives shall give to their husbands honor, both the great and the small" and "that every man should bear rule over his own house." 1:20-22

  260. "All the fair young virgins" throughout the kingdom are brought before the king, and the one that "pleaseth" the king the most will replace Vashti. 2:2-4

  261. When it was Esther turn to "go in unto the king," she pleases the king the most. So, having won the sex contest, she is made queen in Vashti's place. 2:8-9, 12-17

  262. At Esther's request, the king orders a preemptive strike on all 127 provinces from Egypt to Ethiopia. Everyone who planned to kill Jews shall be killed by Jews, along with their wives and children. And all this killing is to take place on a single day.
    (How are the Jews to figure out who planned to kill them and who didn't? Were they supposed to just kill them all and let God sort it out? And why did they need to kill the women and children?) 8:9-11

  263. The Jews kill everyone who ever had a bad thought toward them, along with their Jew-hating families. 9:1-16

  264. "The ten sons of Haman the son of Hammedatha, the enemy of the Jews, slew they." 9:10

  265. "The king said unto Esther the queen, The Jews have slain and destroyed five hundred men in Shushan the palace, and the ten sons of Haman ... what is thy request further? ... Then said Esther ... let Haman's ten sons be hanged."
    Esther tells the king to hang the already dead bodies of Haman's ten sons on trees. Why? Would they make nice decorations? To show everyong what will happen to your children if you try to mistreat Jews? 9:12-14

    Job

  266. To start off God and Satan's gruesome game, Job's slaves and animals are burned to death or killed with swords. Then Job's children are killed in a windstorm while partying. 1:13-19

  267. God kills (or allows Satan to kill) Job's children, but Job doesn't "foolishly" blame God. Since God was responsible, why would it be foolish to blame God? 1:20-22

  268. After God and Satan get done tormenting Job, God gave Job even more stuff than he had before, including children. God gave Job another set of 10 kids, with even prettier daughters! 42:13-15

    Psalms

  269. If you make God angry, he'll burn you and your children to death. 21:9-10

  270. "I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me."
    Women, sex, and babies are all evil to God. 51:5

  271. Wicked people are wicked from birth -- God made them that way. They tell lies immediately after birth (before they can even talk!). 58:3

  272. "Let every one of them pass away: like the untimely birth of a woman, that they may not see the sun."
    A prayer that your enemies will die like an aborted fetus. 58:8

  273. The psalmist recounts God's treatment of the Egyptians: "He smote the firstborn in their land." See Exodus 12:29-30 for the gory details. 105:29-36

  274. God sent a plague on the Israelites for "committing whoredom with the daughters of Moab." But "then stood up Phinehas, and executed judgment [by throwing a spear through a newly married couple]: and so the plague was stayed." But not before 24,000 (1 Corinthians 10:8 says 23,000) had died. (See Numbers 25:6-9 for all the gory details.) 106:29-30

  275. The psalmist asks God to do all sorts of unpleasant things to his enemies. "Set thou a wicked man over him; and let Satan stand at his right hand .... Let his prayer become sin." He asks God to take away his possessions, kill him, and have his children suffer for the sins of their fathers. 109:6-14

  276. "Let his children be fatherless, and his wife a widow." 109:9

  277. "Let his children be continually vagabonds, and beg." 109:10

  278. "Let there be none to extend mercy unto him: neither let there be any to favour his fatherless children." 109:12

  279. "Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them."
    A man should have as many children as he can. To hell with birth control. 127:3-5

  280. God is praised for slaughtering kings, nations, and little babies. 135:8, 10

  281. "To him that smote Egypt in their first born: for his mercy endures forever." 136:10

  282. God will send people to smash little Babylonian children against stones to punish the Babylonians for enslaving the Israelites during the Babylonian captivity. These happy ("blessed" in the ESV) children smashers are God's instruments for carrying out his vengeance. 137:8-9

  283. "Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones." 137:9

    Proverbs

  284. Beating your children with a rod is a sure sign of parental love. 13:24

  285. Beat your children and don't stop just because they cry. 19:18

  286. "Whoso curseth his father or his mother, his lamp shall be put out in obscure darkness."
    What the hell does that mean? Is this just a restatement of Exodus 21:17? ("He that curseth his father, or his mother, shall surely be put to death.") 20:20

  287. Beating your children will make them less foolish. Have you beaten your child today? 22:15

  288. Beat your children hard and often. Don't worry about hurting them. You may break a few bones and cause some brain damage, but it isn't going to kill them. And even if they do die, they'll be better off. They'll thank you in heaven for beating the hell out of them. 23:13-14

  289. Beating your children will make them wise. 29:15

  290. If you mock your father or disobey your mother, the ravens will pick out your eyeballs and the eagles will eat them. 30:17

    Song of Solomon

  291. "There are threescore queens, and fourscore concubines, and virgins without number."  6:8

  292. "We have a little sister, and she hath no breasts ... But my breasts [are] like towers." 8:8-10

    Isaiah

  293. After God takes away the women's jewelry and perfume, "discovers their secret parts," and makes them all bald and stinking, he'll kill their husbands. Women will then become so desperate that "seven women will take hold of one man, saying ... let us be called by thy name, to take away our reproach." 4:1

  294. God will have no mercy on the widows and children of hypocrites. 9:17

  295. God will make every man kill his brother and then force him to eat "the flesh of his own arm." 9:19-20

  296. If God can find you, he will "thrust you through," smash your children "to pieces" before your eyes, and rape your wife. He will have no mercy, but will even kill your little children. 13:15-18

  297. God will slaughter children "for the iniquity of their fathers." 14:21

  298. The God of Peace will set brother against brother and kingdom against kingdom. Then he'll make the survivors seed the counsel of "wizards," and subject them to a "cruel lord." 19:2-4

  299. I will send a blast upon him, and he shall hear a rumour, and shall return to his own land; and I will cause him to fall by the sword in his own land."
    God will cause Sennacherib to be killed by the sword. (See verse 38 where Sennacherib is killed by his own sons while praying.) 37:7

  300. "Sennacherib ... departed, and ... as he was worshipping in the house of Nisroch his god, that Adrammelech and Sharezer his sons smote him with the sword."
    God made the sons murder their father. (See verse 7.) 37:37-38

    Jeremiah

  301. God tries to "correct"  people by killing their children. 2:30

  302. A divorced woman is "polluted" when she remarries. The man, of course, remains perfectly clean through it all, even though he was the one who "put her away" in the first place. 3:1

  303. "As a wife treacherously departeth from her husband...."
    If a woman leaves her husband, she is "treacherous," but a man is blameless when he "puts her away" for no reason. 3:20

  304. God just can't hold in his fury any longer. He will kill everyone: husbands and wives, children and old people. 6:11

  305. "How shall I pardon thee for this? thy children have ... committed adultery, and assembled themselves by troops in the harlots' houses." 5:7

  306. God will punish the men by taking away their property, including their wives, and giving it to others. 6:12

  307. God plans to kill pretty much everyone: fathers and sons, family, friends, and neighbors. God plans to kill them all after laying a stumbling block before them. 6:21

  308. To punish the men, God will "give their wives to others." 8:10

  309. Don't trust anyone. Not even your neighbors, family, or friends. Those who believe differently than you are all liars and evil doers. 9:4-6

  310. God will kill children and young men, and the dead bodies "shall fall as dung .... and none shall gather them." 9:21-22

  311. Jeremiah prays for the destruction of people and families that don't call on God's name. 10:25

  312. God will punish the people by killing their young men in war and starving their children to death. 11:22

  313. God plans to make everyone in the kingdom drunk and then "dash the fathers and the sons together." The merciful God of peace vows to "not pity, nor spare, nor have mercy, but destroy them." 13:12-14

  314. God will kill children and make widows as numerous as grains of sand. 15:7-8

  315. God tells Jeremiah not to get married or have children, because he's going to kill everyone (mothers and daughters, fathers and sons). They all "shall die of grievous deaths," and that shall neither "be lamented" nor buried, but "shall be as dung upon the face of the earth." For he has removed peace, "lovingkindness," and mercy from the people. 16:1-7

  316. Jeremiah asks God to kill the young men in war and the children by starvation. 18:21

  317. God will make parents eat their own children, and friends eat each other. 19:7-9

  318. God will have Jeconiah's enemies kill him and his mother and then ensure that he die without leaving any sons. 22:25-30

  319. God will punish the children of Shemaiah for their father's false prophecy. 29:32

  320. God will expose Esau's "secret places" and spoil his seed (kill his children). 49:10

    Lamentations

  321. God mercilessly kills everyone, young and old. He even causes women to eat their children. 2:20-22

  322. God punishes the Israelites by starving their children to death. 4:4-9

  323. God "accomplishes his fury" by making women eat their children. 4:10-11

    Ezekiel

  324. God will force fathers to eat their sons and the to eat their fathers. 5:10

  325. God sends a "man clothed with linen" to mark the foreheads of the men who will be saved. Apparently only men are considered good enough to keep, the others (unmarked men, "maids", little children, and women) are to be slaughtered. God says he'll "fill the courts with the slain" and will have pity on no one. 9:4-10

  326. "Slay utterly old and young, both maids, and little children, and women." 9:6

  327. When really bad things happen (like you or your children get eaten by wild beasts, get killed in war, get sick and die, etc.), then you'll know that it was God that did it to you. And he won't spare children just because there are a few righteous people around. 14:13-21

  328. "All souls are mine; as the soul of the father, so also the soul of the son is mine." 18:4

  329. A son who misbehaves by robbing, killing, eating on mountains, defiling his neighbor's wife, oppressing the poor, looking at idols, loaning money with interest, or committing abomination (Lev 18:22 type or otherwise) then that son must be killed. 18:10-13

  330. God gave the Israelites "statutes that were not good and judgments whereby they should not live." He "polluted" them so that he "might make them desolate" and force them to kill and sacrifice their children "that they might know" that he is the Lord. 20:25-26

  331. Two sisters were guilty of "committing whoredoms" by pressing their breasts and bruising "the teats of their virginity." As a punishment, one sister's nakedness was discovered, her children were taken from her, and she was killed by the sword. And the fate of the surviving sister was even worse: Her nose and ears were cut off, she was made to "pluck off" her own breasts, and then after being raped and mutilated, she is stoned to death. 23:1-49

  332. "These discovered her nakedness: they took her sons and her daughters, and slew her with the sword." 23:10

  333. "They shall take away thy nose and thine ears; and thy remnant shall fall by the sword: they shall take thy sons and thy daughters; and thy residue shall be devoured by the fire." 23:25

  334. God kills Ezekiel's wife and then tells him not to mourn her. 24:16-18

  335. God killed Ezekiel's wife to demonstrate his intention to kill the Israelites' children. And just as God told Ezekiel not to mourn his wife's death, God forbids the parents to mourn the death of their children. 24:21-24

  336. God will cause each man's sword to be against his brother. 38:21

    Daniel

  337. King Darius, after trying to feed Daniel to the lions, orders those who accused Daniel (and their wives and children) to be cast into the lion den. "And the lions ... brake all their bones in pieces." 6:24

    Hosea

  338. God tells Hosea to commit adultery, saying "take ... a wife of whoredoms and children of whoredoms" because the land has "committed great whoredom." So Hosea did as God commanded and "took" a wife named Gomer. 1:2-3

  339. God told Hosea to name his baby girl "Loruhamah," which means unloved. 1:6

  340. God (or Hosea?) tells his children that their mother is a whore who is not his wife. He asks them to tell their mother to "put away her whoredoms" and "her adulteries from between her breasts" or he'll "strip her naked ... and slay her with thirst." 2:2-3

  341. God "will not have mercy upon ... the children of whoredoms. For their mother hath played the harlot." 2:4-5

  342. God tells Hosea to love an adulteress. (I thought he already did that in chapter 1.) In any case, Hosea buys (another?) one for a homer and a half of barley. 3:1-2

  343. If you misbehave, God will make your daughters "commit whoredom" and your wife "commit adultery." 4:13

  344. "They have begotten strange [illegitimate] children." 5:7

  345. God will induce miscarriages and kill the children of Ephraim. 9:11-12

  346. "O Lord: what wilt thou give? give them a miscarrying womb and dry breasts." 9:14

  347. "I will slay even the beloved fruit of their womb." 9:16

  348. God will punish Israel by "dashing" together mothers and their children. 10:14

  349. Because the Samaritans chose to worship another deity, God will dash their infants to pieces and their "women with child shall be ripped up." 13:16

    Joel

  350. "I will sell your sons and your daughters ... for the Lord hath spoken it." 3:8

    Amos

  351. "A man and his father will go in unto the same maid, to profane my holy name." 2:7

  352. Amos tells Amaziah that his wife will become a whore, his children will be killed, and he'll die in a pagan country. 7:17

    Micah

  353. "Behold, against this family do I devise an evil." 2:3

    Nahum

  354. God punished Nineveh by enslaving the people and smashing the little children in the streets. 3:10

    Zephaniah

  355. God will punish ... the king's children. 1:8

    Haggai

  356. God will make the horses and their riders be killed by "the sword of his brother." 2:22

    Zechariah

  357. Someday prophets will be killed by their own parents by "thrusting him through when he prophesieth." 13:3

    Malachi

  358. "Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces." 2:3

    2 Machabees

  359. The people were inspired by Judas to fight -- not to protect their families and friends, but for the sake of "the holiness of the temple." 15:17-18

    Matthew

  360. Jesus tells a man who had just lost his father: "Let the dead bury the dead." 8:21

  361. Families will be torn apart because of Jesus (this is one of the few "prophecies" in the Bible that has actually come true). "Brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death." 10:21

  362. Jesus says that he has come to destroy families by making family members hate each other. He has "come not to send peace, but a sword." 10:34-36

  363. Jesus warns us not to love our parents or children too much. We have to make sure that we always love him (who we don't even know existed) more than our family. 10:37

  364. When Jesus' mother and brothers want to see him, Jesus rudely asks, "Who is my mother? Who are my brothers?" So much for Jesus' family values. 12:47-49

  365. Jesus is criticized by the Pharisees for not washing his hands before eating. He defends himself by attacking them for not killing disobedient children according to the commandment: "He that curseth father or mother, let him die the death." (See Ex 21:15, Lev 20:9, Dt 21:18-21) So, does Jesus think that children who curse their parents should be killed? It sure sounds like it. 15:4-7

  366. In the parable of the unforgiving servant, the king threatens to enslave a man and his entire family to pay for a debt. This practice, which was common at the time, seems not to have bothered Jesus very much. The parable ends with this: "So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you." If you are cruel to others, God will be cruel to you. 18:23-35

  367. "It is not good to marry."
    After Jesus denounces divorce, his disciples say that if divorce isn't allowed, then "it is good not to marry." Jesus agrees by saying that it is better to make yourself a eunuch "for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it." 19:10

  368. Abandon your wife and children for Jesus and he'll give you a big reward. 19:29

  369. There are no marriages in heaven. (Married people either don't go to heaven or they get divorced after arriving there. Marriages aren't made in heaven; they die there.) 22:23-30

  370. Jesus tells us to "call no man your father upon the earth." Not even dear old dad? How can we "honor our father" if we refuse to call him our father? 23:9

  371. "Woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days." Why? Does God especially hate pregnant and nursing women? 24:19

  372. The kingdom of heaven like ten virgins who went to meet their bridegroom. Five had oil for their lamps and five didn't. When the bridegroom was ready for them, only the five well-oiled virgins got to have sex with him on their wedding night. The bridegroom shunned the other five, saying "Get lost. I don't even know you." The moral to the story is this: watch out, you never know when (or with whom) Jesus will come.25:1-13

    Mark

  373. Jesus shows disrespect for his mother and family by asking, "Who is my mother, or my brethren?" when he is told that his family wants to speak with him. 3:31-34

  374. Jesus criticizes the Jews for not killing their disobedient children as required by Old Testament law. (See Ex 21:15, Lev 20:9, Dt 21:18-21) 7:9-10

  375. Jesus will reward men who abandon their wives and families. 10:29-30

  376. There is no sex or marriage in heaven. 12:18-25

  377. In the last days God will make things especially rough on pregnant women. 13:17

    Luke

  378. When Jesus' parents begin the long trip back to Nazareth, the twelve year old Jesus stays behind, without even asking for their permission. Mary and Joseph search for him for three days and when they finally find him, Jesus doesn't apologize. Rather, he blames them for not knowing that he was doing his real father's business. 2:43-49

  379. Peter, James, and John leave everything (including their families) to follow Jesus. (See 4:38 for reference to Peter's wife.) 5:11

  380. Jesus, when told that his mother and brothers want to see him, ignores and insults them by saying that his mother and brothers are those who hear the word of God and do it. 8:20-21

  381. Jesus won't even let his followers bury their dead parents or say farewell to their families before abandoning them. 9:59-62

  382. Jesus insults his mother (the Most Holy Blessed Virgin Mary). 11:27-28

  383. Jesus prophesies that families will be divided because of him and his teachings. Sadly, this is one prophecy that has been fulfilled. 12:52-53

  384. Jesus says that his disciples must hate their families (mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, husbands, wives, children) and themselves. 14:26

  385. If you want to be a disciple of Jesus, you must abandon everything, including your family. 14:33

  386. Abandon your wife and family for Jesus and he'll give you a big reward. 18:29-30

  387. Jesus says that everyone in heaven is single. Does that mean that married people can't go there, that they must get a divorce once they arrive, or what? 20:27-35

  388. "Ye shall be betrayed both by parents, and brethren, and kinsfolks."
    Families and friendships will be torn apart because of Jesus. 21:16

    John

  389. As an example to parents everywhere and to save the world (from himself), God had his own son tortured and killed. 3:16

  390. Jesus tells his family that he wasn't going to the feast, but later goes "in secret." 7:8-10

    Acts

  391. Peter and God scare Ananias and his wife to death for not forking over all of the money that they made when selling their land. 5:1-10

  392. If you "believe on the Lord Jesus Christ," then you and your whole family will be saved; otherwise, God will send you all to hell. 16:31

  393. The jailer was so impressed with the holy jailbreak that he converted on the spot. He and his entire family were baptized that night. It didn't matter to Paul (or God) what the jailer's wife and kids thought about it. They were "his" so he could do whatever the hell he wanted with (or to) them. (This stupid story supports the idea of infant baptism, which has divided Christians for centuries.) 16:33

    Romans

  394. "He that spareth not his own son" shouldn't be trusted by anyone. 8:32

  395. "Esau have I hated." 9:13

    1 Corinthians

  396. Paul wishes that men and woman abstain from sex, but tells them to "come together" to avoid being tempted by Satan. 7:5

  397. Finally, after discouraging marriage for eight verses, Paul concedes that "it is better to marry than to burn." 7:9

  398. The Pauline Privilege: A believer may either keep or divorce an unbelieving spouse. 7:12-13

  399. "Else were your children unclean; but now are they holy."
    The children of nonbelievers are unclean. (But believers' kids are holy.) 7:14

  400. Those who are unmarried should never marry. 7:27

    Ephesians

  401. Wives must submit to their husbands "in every thing" as though they were Christ. "For the husband is the head of the wife." 5:22-24

    Colossians

  402. Wives, according to Paul, must submit themselves to their husbands. 3:18

  403. Children should obey their parents "in all things." This verse must be a favorite for Christian parents who abuse their children. 3:20

    1 Timothy

  404. "A bishop must be ... the husband of one wife." Apparently, it's OK for laymen to have several. 3:2

  405. You should help a widow only if she: has no children or nephews; is desolate, trusts in God, and prays all the time; is not living in pleasure (a widow living in pleasure is the living dead); is over 60 years old; had only one husband; has raised children; has lodged strangers; has washed the saints' feet; has relieved the afflicted; and has diligently followed every good work. 5:3-10

  406. Never help a young widow (one under 60 years old). When they wax wanton against Christ, they'll get married, and be damned to hell for rejecting their faith. Besides, young widows are idle busybodies, wandering around from house to house saying things they shouldn't say. They should get married and have children (though they'll be damned to hell for it). Heck, some of them have already turned aside after Satan. 5:11-15

    Titus

  407. A bishop should have only one wife. I guess it's OK for laymen to have several. 1:6-7

    Hebrews

  408. "Abraham ... offered up Isaac ... his only begotten son." (And this was a good thing? How fucked up is that?) 11:17

  409. The Israelites kept the passover and sprinkled blood on doorposts so that God wouldn't kill their firstborn children (like he did the Egyptians in Exodus 12:29). 11:28

  410. "What son is he whom the father chasteneth not?"
    What kind of father doesn't beat his sons now and then? 12:7

  411. Those who disobeyed the Old Testament law were killed without mercy. It will be much worse for those who displease Jesus. 10:28-29

    James

  412. James says Abraham was justified by works (for being willing to kill his son for God); Paul (Romans 4:2-3) says he was justified by faith (for believing that God would order him to do such an evil act). 2:21

  413. "Was not Rahab the harlot justified by works?" (By her works as a prostitute or by lying?) 2:25

    1 Peter

  414. Peter orders all wives to be "in subjection" to their husbands. 3:1

  415. Wives are to use "chaste conversation, coupled with fear." They are not to braid their hair, wear gold, or put on any "apparel." They are to do these things in imitation of the "holy" women of the Old testament who were "in subjection to their won husbands: even as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him Lord." 3:2-6

  416. In relation to her husband, the wife is "the weaker vessel." 3:7

    2 Peter

  417. Lot, who in Gen 19:8 offers his two virgin daughters to a crowd of angel rapers and later(19:30-38) impregnates them, was a "righteous man." 2:8

    Revelation

  418. "I [Jesus] will kill her children with death." 2:23


Dwindling in Unbelief
Family Values