The spirit of the Lord came upon Samson and he murdered thirty men for their clothes

Just when you think the stories in Judges couldn't get any stupider, the next one comes along to prove you wrong.

Take the story of Samson, for example.

It starts out in the usual way, with the children of Israel doing evil in the sight of the Lord and the Lord doing what he always does in such cases: he sells them. (Except that this time the Bible says he "delivered" them to the Philistines for forty years, so maybe the Israelites were a gift and he didn't get paid for them.)

The children of Israel did evil again in the sight of the LORD; and the LORD delivered them into the hand of the Philistines forty years. Judges 13:1

Of course, after giving, selling, or renting the Israelites to the Philistines, God needed to find someone to help kill the Israelites' new owners. And that, as you probably guessed, is where Samson comes in. (This is the first time that the third step in God's famous four-step process was skipped. At least I can't find where the Israelites cry out to the Lord. Oh well, maybe they cried out, but God couldn't hear them or just forgot to tell us about it.)

Now Samson's birth was a lot like Jesus's. An angel visited his mom to announce that she was going to have a son.

The angel of the LORD appeared unto the woman, and said unto her, Behold now ... thou shalt conceive, and bear a son. 13:3

He even came again unto her when her husband wasn't around and got her pregnant.

The angel of God came again unto the woman as she sat in the field: but Manoah her husband was not with her. 13:9

And the woman bare a son, and called his name Samson. 13:24a

So Samson's birth was a fucking miracle.

Samson was one of God's special heroes. He was blessed by God and moved by the Spirit of the Lord. (Samson might have been a decent person if he could have kept the Spirit of the Lord off of him.)

The Lord blessed him ... and the Spirit of the LORD began to move him at times. 13:24b-25

The first thing the Bible tells us about Samson is this:

Samson ... saw a woman ... of the daughters of the Philistines ... And Samson said unto his father, Get her for me; for she pleaseth me well. 14:1-3

Now Samson's parents were a bit troubled by this, since they knew how crazy God gets when an Israelite even thinks about marrying a non-Israelite. But then they didn't know that this was all a part of God's plan to kill Philistines.

But his father and his mother knew not that it was of the LORD, that he sought an occasion against the Philistines. 14:4

Samson was on his way to visit his new Philistine girlfriend when "the Spirit of the LORD came mightily" on him. Now in the Bible, there's pretty much only one thing that happens when the Spirit of the Lord comes upon somebody: the spirit-filled person kills something.

That's what happened here.

Behold, a young lion roared against him. And the Spirit of the LORD came mightily upon him, and he rent him as he would have rent a kid. 14:5-6

When he arrived at his Philistine girlfriend's place "she pleased Samson well" and then he returned home. On his way he saw the lion carcass.

Behold, there was a swarm of bees and honey in the carcase of the lion. 14:8

Which, of course, was another miracle.

The spirit of God came upon Samson and he killed a lion. Then God sent bees to make honey from the dead lion's body.

Of course, it's also possible that the dead lion was covered with flies (not bees) and the putrefying flesh and maggots looked like honey to the dumb as shit Samson. (In which case the "honey" would have been pretty nasty stuff!)

But whatever it was, Samson thought it tasted pretty darned sweet. He even brought some home to his folks, although he didn't tell them where it came from.

He took thereof in his hands, and went on eating, and came to his father and mother, and he gave them, and they did eat: but he told not them that he had taken the honey out of the carcase of the lion. 14:9

The Bible doesn't actually say so, but I guess Samson married the Philistine woman that pleased him well. And they had a week-long party with thirty of Samson's new-found Philistine friends.

At the party, Samson told a riddle.

I will now put forth a riddle unto you ... Out of the eater came forth meat, and out of the strong came forth sweetness. 14:12-14

Wasn't that a great riddle? Anyway, Samson told his guests that whoever could figure it out before the week of partying is over would get thirty sheets and thirty garments. But whoever couldn't, would have to give Samson 30 sheets and thirty garments.

If ye can certainly declare it me within the seven days of the feast, and find it out, then I will give you thirty sheets and thirty change of garments: But if ye cannot declare it me, then shall ye give me thirty sheets and thirty change of garments. 14:12-13

Now the party-goers took the riddle pretty seriously. So they asked Samson's new wife to tell them the answer or they'd burn her house down.

On the seventh day ... they said unto Samson's wife, Entice thy husband, that he may declare unto us the riddle, lest we burn thee and thy father's house with fire. 14:15

She finally got the answer from Samson and then she told the guys at the party.

She wept before him the seven days ... and ... on the seventh day ... he told her ... and she told the riddle to the children of her people. 14:17

So Samson didn't get his thirty sets of sheets and garments.

Samson was pissed. He accused his guests of...well, I'm not sure what. Here's what he said:

If ye had not plowed with my heifer, ye had not found out my riddle. 14:18

So the party animals plowed with Samson's heifer and they found out his riddle.

And then God gets involved again.

The Spirit of the LORD came upon him, and he went down to Ashkelon, and slew thirty men of them, and took their spoil, and gave change of garments unto them which expounded the riddle. 14:19

So Samson went to another Philistine town (Ashkelon) and, when the Spirit of the Lord came upon him, killed thirty men and took their clothes to give to the guys at his party for solving the riddle.

Oh, and then in the next verse, Samson's new wife is given to the best man at his wedding.

But Samson's wife was given to his companion, whom he had used as his friend. 14:20

So everything worked out according to God's plan. Samson's brief (1 week) marriage, the lion and honey episode, the clever riddle, and the clothing bet. It was all carefully planned by God so that, in the end, Samson would murder thirty men for their clothes.

The Lord works in mysterious ways.