Genesis

  • Because God liked Abel's animal sacrifice more than Cain's vegetables, Cain kills his brother Abel in a fit of religious jealousy. 4:8

  • "I will destroy ... both man and beast."
    God is angry. He decides to destroy all humans, beasts, creeping things, fowls, and "all flesh wherein there is breath of life." He plans to drown them all. 6:7, 17

  • "Every living substance that I have made will I destroy."
    God repeats his intention to kill "every living substance ... from off the face of the earth." But why does God kill all the innocent animals? What had they done to deserve his wrath? It seems God never gets his fill of tormenting animals. 7:4

  • "All flesh died that moved upon the earth."
    God drowns everything that breathes air. From newborn babies to koala bears -- all creatures great and small, the Lord God drowned them all. 7:21-23

  • God sends a plague on the Pharaoh and his household because the Pharaoh believed Abram's lie. 12:17

  • God tells Abram to kill some animals for him. The needless slaughter makes God feel better. 15:9-10

  • Hagar conceives, making Sarai jealous. Abram tells Sarai to do to Hagar whatever she wants. "And when Sarai dealt hardly with her, she fled." 16:6

  • "I will not destroy it for ten's sake."
    I guess God couldn't find even ten good Sodomites because he decides to kill them all in Genesis 19. Too bad Abraham didn't ask God about the children. Why not save them? If Abraham could find 10 good children, toddlers, infants, or babies, would God spare the city? Apparently not. God doesn't give a damn about children. 18:32

  • Lot refuses to give up his angels to the perverted mob, offering his two "virgin daughters" instead. He tells the bunch of angel rapers to "do unto them [his daughters] as is good in your eyes." This is the same man that is called "just" and "righteous" in 2 Peter 2:7-8. 19:7-8

  • God kills everyone (men, women, children, infants, newborns) in Sodom and Gomorrah by raining "fire and brimstone from the Lord out of heaven." Well, almost everyone -- he spares the "just and righteous" Lot and his family. 19:24

  • Lot's nameless wife looks back, and God turns her into a pillar of salt. 19:26

  • God threatens to kill Abimelech and his people for believing Abe's lie. 20:3-7

  • Sarai tells Abraham to "cast out this bondwoman and her son." God commands him to "hearken unto her voice." So Abraham abandons Hagar and Ishmael, casting them out into the wilderness to die. 21:10-14

  • God orders Abraham to kill Isaac as a burnt offering. Abraham shows his love for God by his willingness to murder his son. But finally, just before Isaac's throat is slit, God provides a goat to kill instead. 22:2-13

  • Abraham shows his willingness to kill his son for God. Only an evil God would ask a father to do that; only a bad father would be willing to do it. 22:10

  • Dinah, the daughter of Jacob, is "defiled" by a man who seems to love her dearly. Her brothers trick all of the men of the town and kill them (after first having them all circumcised), and then take their wives and children captive. 34:1-31

  • "The terror of God was upon the cities that were round about them." 35:5

  • "And Er, Judah's firstborn, was wicked in the sight of the Lord; and the Lord slew him." What did Er do to elicit God's wrath? The Bible doesn't say. Maybe he picked up some sticks on Saturday. 38:7

  • After God killed Er, Judah tells Onan to "go in unto they brother's wife." But "Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and ... when he went in unto his brother's wife ... he spilled it on the ground.... And the thing which he did displeased the Lord; wherefore he slew him also." This lovely Bible story is seldom read in Sunday School, but it is the basis of many Christian doctrines, including the condemnation of both masturbation and birth control. 38:8-10

  • After Judah pays Tamar for her services, he is told that she "played the harlot" and "is with child by whoredom." When Judah hears this, he says, "Bring her forth, and let her be burnt." 38:24

  • Joseph interprets the baker's dream. He says that the pharaoh will cut off the baker's head, and hang his headless body on a tree for the birds to eat. 40:19

  • God brought a seven year, "very greivous" famine on the whole earth for no apparent reason (except maybe to make Joseph wealthy). 41:25-32, 54

    Exodus

  • Moses murders an Egyptian after making sure that no one is looking. 2:11-12

  • "I will ... smite Egypt with all my wonders." 3:20

  • God threatens to kill the Pharaoh's firstborn son. 4:23

  • God decides to kill Moses because his son had not yet been circumcised. 4:24-26

  • Moses and Aaron ask the Pharaoh to let all the Israelites go into the desert to pray for three days, or else God will kill them all "with pestilence, or with the sword." 5:3

  • "Now shalt thou see what I will do to Pharaoh." 6:1

  • God will make sure that Pharaoh does not listen to Moses, so that he can kill Egyptians with his armies. 7:4

  • "And the Egyptians shall know that I am the LORD." Who else could be so cruel and unjust? 7:5, 17

  • God tells Moses and Aaron to smite the river and turn it into blood. 7:17-24

  • The fifth plague: all cattle in Egypt die. 9:2-6

  • The sixth plague: boils and blains upon man and beast. 9:9-12

  • "For I will at this time send all my plagues upon thine heart, and upon thy servants, and upon thy people; that thou mayest know that there is none like me in all the earth." Who else but the biblical god could be so cruel? 9:14

  • God gave power to the Pharaoh so that he could show off his own power by killing him. 9:15-16

  • The seventh plague is hail. "And the hail smote throughout the land of Egypt all that was in the field, both man and beast." 9:22-25

  • God wants to be remembered forever for the mass murder of little children. 10:2

  • These verses clearly show that the mass murder of innocent children by God was premeditated. 11:4-6 (see 12:29-30)

  • God will kill the Egyptian children to show that he puts "a difference between the Egyptians and Israel." 11:7

  • God explains to Moses that he intends to "smite all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, both man and beast. 12:12

  • After God has sufficiently hardened the Pharaoh's heart, he kills all the firstborn Egyptian children. When he was finished "there was not a house where there was not one dead." Finally, he runs out of little babies to kill, so he slaughters the firstborn cattle, too. 12:29

  • To commemorate the divine massacre of the Egyptian children, Moses instructs the Israelites to "sacrifice to the Lord all that openeth the matrix" -- all the males, that is. God has no use for dead, burnt female bodies. 13:2, 12, 15

  • "I will harden Pharaoh's heart." 14:4

  • After hardening Pharaoh's heart a few more times, God drowns Pharaoh's army in the sea 14:4-28

  • The LORD shall fight for you 14:14

  • "I will harden the hearts of the Egyptians, and they shall follow them: and I will get me honour." 14:17

  • "And the Egyptians shall know that I am the LORD, when I have gotten me honour upon Pharaoh, upon his chariots, and upon his horsemen." 14:18

  • "And the LORD said unto Moses, Stretch out thine hand over the sea, that the waters may come again upon the Egyptians." 14:26

  • "And Israel saw that great work which the LORD did upon the Egyptians." 14:31

  • Moses and the people sing praises to their murderous god. 15:1-19

  • "The Lord is a man of war." Indeed, judging from his acts in the Old Testament, he is a vicious warlike monster. 15:3

  • God's right hand dashes people in pieces. 15:6

  • "For the horse of Pharaoh went in with his chariots and with his horsemen into the sea, and the LORD brought again the waters of the sea upon them." 15:19

  • "Horse and his rider hath he thrown into the sea." 15:21

  • If you do what God says, he won't send his diseases on you (like he did to the Egyptians). But otherwise.... 15:26

  • Joshua, with God's approval, kills the Amalekites "with the edge of the sword." 17:13

  • "I will utterly put out the remembrance of Amalek from under heaven." 17:14

  • "The Lord has sworn [God swears!] that the Lord will have war with Amalek from generation to generation." 17:14-16

  • Any person or animal that touches Mt. Sinai shall be stoned to death or "shot through." 19:12-13

  • Like the great and powerful Wizard of Oz, nobody can see God and live. 19:21

  • God gives instructions for killing and burning animals. He says that if we will make such "burnt offerings," he will bless us for it. What kind of mind would be pleased by the killing and burning of innocent animals? 20:24

  • A child who hits or curses his parents must be executed. 21:15, 17

  • An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. 21:24-25

  • If an ox gores someone, "then the ox shall surely be stoned." 21:28

  • If an ox gores someone due to the negligence of its owner, then "the ox shall be stoned, and his owner shall be put to death.". 21:29

  • If an ox gores a slave, the owner of the ox must pay the owner of the slave 30 shekels of silver, and "the ox shall be stoned." 21:32

  • "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live." Thousands of innocent women have suffered excruciating deaths because of this verse. 22:18

  • "Whosoever lieth with a beast shall surely be put to death." Is it really necessary to kill such people? Couldn't we just send them to counseling or something? 22:19

  • "He who sacrificeth unto any god, save unto the Lord only, he shall be utterly destroyed." If this commandment is obeyed, then the four billion people who do not believe in the biblical god must be killed. 22:20

  • If you make God angry enough, he will kill you and your family with his own sword. 22:24

  • "The firstborn of thy sons thou shalt give unto me." (As a burnt offering?) 22:29

  • God promises to "send his fear before the Israelites" and to kill everyone that they encounter when they enter the promised land. 23:27

  • Moses has some animals killed and their dead bodies burned for God. Then he sprinkles their blood on the altar and on the people. This makes God happy. 24:5-8

  • Get some animals, kill them, chop up their bodies, wave body parts in the air, burn the carcasses, and sprinkle the blood all around -- in precisely the way God tells you. It may well make you sick, but it makes God feel good. 29:11-37

  • Have your killed and offered your bullock for a sin offering today? How about the two lambs you are supposed to offer each day? 29:36-39

  • Wash up or die. 30:20-21

  • Whoever puts holy oil on a stranger shall be "cut off from his people." 30:33

  • Those who break the Sabbath are to be executed. 31:14

  • God asks to be left alone so that his "wrath may wax hot" and he can "consume them. 32:10

  • Moses burned the golden calf, ground it into powder, and then forced it down the throats of all the people. 32:20

  • God orders the sons of Levi (Moses, Aaron, and the other members of their tribe that were "on the Lord's side") to kill "every man his neighbor." "And there fell of the people that day about 3000 men." 32:27-28

  • "Whosoever hath sinned against me, him will I blot out of my book." 32:33

  • But God wasn't satisfied with the slaughter of the 3000, so he killed some more people with a plague. 32:35

  • If you can't redeem him, then just "break his neck." Hey, it's all for the glory of God. 34:20

  • Whoever works, or even kindles a fire, on the Sabbath "shall be put to death." 35:2-3

    Leviticus

  • God gives detailed instructions for performing ritualistic animal sacrifices. such bloody rituals must be important to God, judging from the number of times that he repeats their instructions. Indeed the entire first nine chapters of Leviticus can be summarized as follows: Get an animal, kill it, sprinkle the blood around, cut the dead animal into pieces, and burn it for a "sweet savor unto the Lord." Chapters 1 - 9

  • "Kill the bullock before the LORD ... bring the blood, and sprinkle the blood round about upon the altar." 1:5

  • "Flay the burnt offering; cut it into pieces." 1:6

  • Lay ... the head, and the fat ... on the fire which is upon the altar: But his inwards and his legs ... burn all on the altar, to be a burnt sacrifice ... a sweet savour unto the LORD." 1:8-9

  • "Kill ... before the Lord and ... sprinkle blood round about." 1:11

  • "Cut it into his pieces, with his head and his fat ... and burn it ... for a sweet savour unto the Lord." 1:12-13

  • "If the burnt sacrifice ... be of fowls ... wring off his head, and burn it ... and the blood thereof shall be wrung out." 1:14-15

  • "For a sweet savour unto the Lord." 1:17

  • "Part it in pieces... it is a meat offering." 2:6

  • "It is a thing most holy of the offerings of the LORD made by fire." 2:10

  • "He shall lay his hand upon the head of his offering, and kill it ... and .... sprinkle the blood ... round about." 3:2

  • "The fat that covereth the inwards ... and the two kidneys ... and the caul above the liver.... It is ... a sweet savour unto the Lord." 3:3-5

  • "He shall lay his hand upon the head of his offering, and kill it ... and .... sprinkle the blood ... round about." 3:8

  • "The fat ... the whole rump ... the inwards ... the two kidneys ... burn it upon the altar: it is the food of the offering made by fire unto the LORD." 3:9-11

  • "If his offering be a goat ... he shall lay his hand upon the head ... and kill it ... and ... sprinkle the blood ... round about." 3:12-13

  • "The fat that covereth the inwards ... the two kidneys ... and the caul above the liver ... burn them upon the altar; it is the food of the ooffering made by fire for a sweet savour." 3:14-16

  • "All the fat is the Lord's."
    When you do your burnt offerings, remember that "all the fat is the Lord's." (And he doesn't like to share!) 3:16

  • "Kill the bullock before the Lord and take of the bullock's blood." 4:4

  • "Kill the bullock before the Lord and ... take of the bullock's blood." 4:4-5

  • "The priest shall dip his finger in the blood and sprinkle the blood seven times before the Lord." 4:6

  • "Put some of the blood upon the horns of the altar ... and ... pour all the blood of the bullock at the bottom of the altar." 4:7

  • "Take ... all the fat of the bullock for the sin offering; the fat that covereth the inwards ... the two kidneys ... and the caul above the liver ... and ... burn them upon the altar of the burnt offering." 4:8-10

  • "And the skin of the bullock, and all his flesh, with his head, and with his legs, and his inwards, and his dung...."
    What to do with the fat, kidneys, liver, skin, head, entrails, and dung from your burnt offerings. 4:11-12

  • "Offer a young bullock for the sin ... The bullock shall be killed before the Lord." 4:14-15

  • "Bring of the bullock's blood ... And the priest shall dip his finger in the blood and sprinkle the blood seven times before the Lord." 4:16-17

  • "Put some of the blood upon the horns of the altar ... and ... pour out all the blood ... and ... take all his fat from him, and burn it upon the altar." 4:18-19

  • "He shall lay his hand upon the head of the goat, and kill it." 4:24-25

  • "The priest shall take of the blood of the sin offering with his finger, and put it upon the horns of the altar of burnt offering, and shall pour out his blood ... and he shall burn all his fat upon the altar." 4:25-26

  • "Slay the sin offering ... and the priest shall take of the blood thereof with his finger, and put it upon the horns of the altar of burnt offering ... and shall pour out all the blood." 4:29-30

  • "He shall take away all the fat ... and ... burn it upon the altar for a sweet savour unto the LORD." 4:31

  • "Slay the sin offering ... and the priest shall take of the blood thereof with his finger, and put it upon the horns of the altar of burnt offering and shall pour out all the blood." 4:33-35

  • "He shall bring his trespass offering unto the LORD ... a female from the flock, a lamb or a kid of the goats."
    If you touch an insect, dead animal, or "the uncleanness of man" or if you swear to do something good or bad (5:2-4), kill a female lamb or goat for God. (A female will do since it's a minor offense.) 5:6

  • "If he be not able to bring a lamb, then he shall bring ... two turtledoves, or two young pigeons, unto the LORD ... and wring off his head."
    If you don't have a lamb to kill for God, then you can wring off the head of a pigeon or dove. 5:7

  • "And he shall sprinkle of the blood of the sin offering upon the side of the altar; and the rest of the blood shall be wrung out at the bottom of the altar: it is a sin offering." 5:9

  • "The Lord spake unto Moses, saying, If a soul ... sin through ignorance ... then he shall bring for his trespass unto the LORD a ram without blemish."
    If you sin without knowing that you've done anything wrong, kill an unblemished ram for God. 5:14-15

  • "This is the law of the sin offering: the sin offering [shall] be killed before the LORD: it is most holy." 6:25

  • "The trespass offering: it is most holy"
    The holy law of trespass offering: Find an animal; kill it; sprinkle the blood around; offer God the fat, rump, kidneys, and caul; burn and eat it in the holy place, for "it is most holy." 7:1-6

  • Kill the trespass offering: and the blood thereof shall he sprinkle round about upon the altar." 7:2

  • "Offer of it all the fat thereof; the rump, and the fat that covereth the inwards, and the two kidneys, and the fat that is on them ... and the caul that is above the liver." 7:3

  • "It shall be the priest's that sprinkleth the blood of the peace offerings." 7:14

  • Be careful what you eat during these animal sacrifices. Don't eat fat or blood -- these are for God. (And he doesn't like to share!) 7:18-27

  • "The fat with the breast, it shall he bring, that the breast may be waved for a wave offering before the LORD." Wave the fat and the breast for "a wave offering before the Lord." 7:30

  • "And the priest shall burn the fat upon the altar: but the breast shall be Aaron's and his sons'." 7:31

  • "And the right shoulder shall ye give unto the priest for an heave offering." 7:32

  • "He among the sons of Aaron, that offereth the blood of the peace offerings, and the fat, shall have the right shoulder for his part."
    Aaron's sons get the right shoulder from all peace offerings. 7:33

  • "For the wave breast and the heave shoulder ... a statute for ever."
    Be sure to do your wave breast or heave shoulder today. It is a statute forver. 7:34

  • Moses does it all for God. First he kills an animal; wipes the blood on Aaron's ears, thumbs, and big toes. Then he sprinkles blood round about and waves the guts before the Lord. Finally he burns the whole mess for "a sweet savour before the Lord." 8:14-32

  • "Aaron and his sons laid their hands upon the head of the bullock for the sin offering and he slew it." 8:14-15

  • "Moses took the blood, and put it upon the horns of the altar round about with his finger .. and poured the blood at the bottom of the altar." 8:15

  • "And he took all the fat that was upon the inwards, and the caul above the liver, and the two kidneys, and their fat, and Moses burned it upon the altar." 8:16

  • "But the bullock, and his hide, his flesh, and his dung, he burnt with fire without the camp; as the LORD commanded Moses." 8:17

  • "Aaron and his sons laid their hands upon the head of the ram. And he killed it." 8:18-19

  • "Moses sprinkled the blood upon the altar round about." 8:19

  • "And he cut the ram into pieces; and Moses burnt the head, and the pieces, and the fat." 8:20

  • "And he washed the inwards and the legs in water; and Moses burnt the whole ram upon the altar: it was a burnt sacrifice for a sweet savour, and an offering made by fire unto the LORD; as the LORD commanded Moses." 8:21

  • "Aaron and his sons laid their hands upon the head of the ram. And he slew it." 8:22-23

  • "Moses took of the blood of it, and put it upon the tip of Aaron's right ear, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot." 8:23

  • "And he brought Aaron's sons, and Moses put of the blood upon the tip of their right ear, and upon the thumbs of their right hands, and upon the great toes of their right feet: and Moses sprinkled the blood upon the altar round about." 8:24

  • "And he took the fat, and the rump, and all the fat that was upon the inwards, and the caul above the liver, and the two kidneys, and their fat, and the right shoulder." 8:25

  • "And he put all upon Aaron's hands, and upon his sons' hands, and waved them for a wave offering before the LORD." 8:27

  • "Moses ... burnt them ... for a sweet savour." 8:28

  • "And Moses took the breast, and waved it for a wave offering before the LORD." 8:29

  • "And Moses took ... of the blood which was upon the altar, and sprinkled it upon Aaron, and upon his garments, and upon his sons, and upon his sons' garments." 8:30

  • "Moses said unto Aaron and to his sons, Boil the flesh." 8:31

  • And that which remaineth of the flesh .... shall ye burn with fire." 8:32

  • More killing, sprinkling of blood, waiving animal parts, and burning carcasses "before the Lord." 9:2-21

  • "Take thee a young calf for a sin offering, and a ram for a burnt offering, without blemish, and offer them before the LORD." 9:2

  • "Take ye a kid of the goats for a sin offering; and a calf and a lamb, both of the first year, without blemish, for a burnt offering." 9:3

  • "Also a bullock and a ram for peace offerings, to sacrifice before the LORD; and a meat offering." 9:4

  • Kill the calf, dip your finger in the blood, sprinkle the blood round about, burn the fat and entrails, and wave the breast for a wave offering before the Lord. 9:8-21

  • "Aaron ... slew the calf of the sin offering." 9:8

  • "And the sons of Aaron brought the blood unto him: and he dipped his finger in the blood, and put it upon the horns of the altar, and poured out the blood at the bottom of the altar." 9:9

  • "But the fat, and the kidneys, and the caul above the liver of the sin offering, he burnt upon the altar; as the LORD commanded Moses." 9:10

  • "And the flesh and the hide he burnt with fire without the camp." 9:11

  • "And he slew the burnt offering; and Aaron's sons presented unto him the blood, which he sprinkled round about upon the altar." 9:12

  • "And they presented the burnt offering unto him, with the pieces thereof, and the head: and he burnt them upon the altar." 9:13

  • "And he did wash the inwards and the legs, and burnt them upon the burnt offering on the altar." 9:14

  • "And he ... took the goat ... the people, and slew it." 9:15

  • "He slew also the bullock and the ram ... and Aaron's sons presented unto him the blood, which he sprinkled upon the altar round about." 9:18

  • "And the fat of the bullock and of the ram, the rump, and that which covereth the inwards, and the kidneys, and the caul above the liver." 9:19

  • "And they put the fat upon the breasts, and he burnt the fat upon the altar." 9:20

  • "And the breasts and the right shoulder Aaron waved for a wave offering before the LORD; as Moses commanded." 9:21

  • Two of the sons of Aaron "offered strange fire before the Lord" and "there went out fire from the Lord, and devoured them, and they died before the Lord." 10:1-2

  • Moses tells Aaron that his sons were burned to death to sanctfy and glorify God. 10:3

  • Moses tells Aaron's cousins to drag the burned bodies out of the camp, and he warns Aaron not to mourn the death of his sons or God will kill him too, along with everyone else. 10:4-6

  • If priests misbehave at the tabernacle by uncovering their heads, tearing their clothes, leaving with holy oil on them, or by drinking "wine or strong drink", then God will kill them and send his wrath on "all the people." 10:6-9

  • God will kill any priest that leaves the tabernacle. 10:7

  • If priests misbehave at the tabernacle by by drinking "wine or strong drink," then God will kill them and send his wrath on "all the people." "It shall be a statute for ever." 10:9

  • "And the wave breast and heave shoulder shall ye eat in a clean place." 10:14

  • "The heave shoulder and the wave breast ... bring with the offerings made by fire of the fat, to wave it for a wave offering before the LORD." 10:15

  • "She shall bring a lamb ... for a burnt offering, and... a young pigeon, or dove, for a sin offering."
    After a woman gives birth, a priest must kill a lamb, pigeon, or dove as a sin offering. This is because having children is sinful and God likes it when things are killed for him. 12:6

  • "if she be not able to bring a lamb, then she shall bring two turtles, or two young pigeons ... and she shall be clean." 12:8

  • God's law for lepers: Get two birds. Kill one. Dip the live bird in the blood of the dead one. Sprinkle the blood on the leper seven times, and then let the blood-soaked bird fly off. Next find a lamb and kill it. Wipe some of its blood on the patient's right ear, thumb, and big toe. Sprinkle seven times with oil and wipe some of the oil on his right ear, thumb and big toe. Repeat. Finally kill a couple doves and offer one for a sin offering and the other for a burnt offering. 14:2-32

  • "Then shall the priest command to take for him that is to be cleansed two birds alive and clean ... and the priest shall command that one of the birds be killed in an earthen vessel over running water." 14:4

  • "And on the eighth day he shall take two he lambs without blemish, and one ewe lamb of the first year without blemish ... And the priest shall take one he lamb, and offer him for a trespass offering ... and wave them for a wave offering before the LORD." 14:10-12

  • "And he shall slay the lamb ... in the holy place: ... it is most holy." 14:13

  • "And the priest shall take some of the blood of the trespass offering, and ... put it upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot." 14:14

  • "The priest shall offer the sin offering ... and afterward he shall kill the burnt offering." 14:19

  • "If he be poor, and cannot get so much; then he shall take one lamb for a trespass offering to be waved ... and two turtledoves, or two young pigeons ... and the one shall be a sin offering, and the other a burnt offering." 14:21-22

  • "And the priest shall take the lamb of the trespass offering ... and the priest shall wave them for a wave offering before the LORD:" 14:24

  • "And he shall kill the lamb of the trespass offering, and the priest shall take some of the blood of the trespass offering, and put it upon the tip of the right ear of him that is to be cleansed, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot." 14:25

  • "And he shall offer the one of the turtledoves, or of the young pigeons, such as he can get." 14:30

  • "Even such as he is able to get, the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering, with the meat offering." 14:31

  • "When ye be come into the land of Canaan ... I put the plague of leprosy in ... the land of your possession."
    God "put the plague of leprosy" on the Canaanites. 14:34

  • "He shall take to cleanse the house two birds ... And he shall kill the one of the birds ... And he shall take ... the living bird, and dip them in the blood of the slain bird ... and sprinkle the house seven times ... And he shall cleanse the house with the blood of the bird." 14:49-52

  • "On the eighth day he shall take to him two turtledoves, or two young pigeons ... and ... offer them, the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering." 15:14-15

  • "On the eighth day she shall take unto her two turtles, or two young pigeons ... for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering; and the priest shall make an atonement for her before the LORD for the issue of her uncleanness." 15:29-30

  • God warns Aaron that he might have to burn him to death like he did his sons. (10:1-2) 16:1-2

  • God explains the use of scapegoats. It goes like this: Get two goats. Kill one. Wipe, smear, and sprinkle the blood around seven times. Then take the other goat, give it the sins of all the people, and send it off into the wilderness. 16:8-28

  • "Kill the bullock of the sin offering." 16:11

  • "Take of the blood of the bullock, and sprinkle it ... seven times." 16:14

  • "Kill the goat of the sin offering, that is for the people, and bring his blood ... and sprinkle it upon the mercy seat." 16:15

  • "Take of the blood of the bullock, and of the blood of the goat, and put it upon the horns of the altar round about." 16:18

  • "He shall sprinkle of the blood upon it with his finger seven times." 16:19

  • Sprinkle the blood and burn the fat for a sweet savour unto the Lord. 17:6

  • If you upset God, he'll cause the land to vomit you out. 18:25

  • "Whosoever shall commit any of these abominations ... shall be cut off from among their people." 18:29

  • Don't eat sacrifices on the third day or God will cut you off from among your people. 19:6-8

  • Kill anyone who "gives his seed" to Molech. If you refuse, God will cut you and your family off. 20:2

  • If you refuse to kill someone who gives his seed to Molech, God set his face against you and your family. 20:4-5

  • "For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall surely be put to death." Couldn't we try spanking first? 20:9

  • Both parties in adultery shall be executed. 20:10

  • If a man has sex with his father's wife, kill them both. 20:11

  • If a man "lies" with his daughter-in-law, then both must be killed. 20:12

  • If a man has sex with another man, kill them both. 20:13

  • If you "lie" with your wife and your mother-in-law (now that sounds fun!), then all three of you must be burned to death. 20:14

  • If a man or woman "lie with a beast" both the person and the poor animal are to be killed. 20:15-16

  • People with "familiar spirits" (witches, fortune tellers, etc.) are to be stoned to death.  20:27

  • A priest's daughter who "plays the whore" is to be burned to death. 21:9

  • "Ye shall offer ... a male without blemish ... Blind, or broken, or maimed, or having a wen, or scurvy, or scabbed, ye shall not offer these unto the LORD ... Ye shall not offer unto the LORD that which is bruised, or crushed, or broken, or cut."
    God wants us to kill lots of animals for him. Not just any animals, though. God only wants dead, male animals without any blemishes. 22:19-24

  • God gives us more instructions on killing and burning animals. I guess the first nine chapters of Leviticus wasn't enough. He says we must do this because he really likes the smell -- it is "a sweet savour unto the Lord." 23:12-14, 18

  • Don't do any work on the day of atonement or God will destroy you. 23:29-30

  • A man curses and blasphemes while disputing with another man. Moses asks God what to do about it. God says that the whole community must stone him to death. "And the children of Israel did as the Lord and Moses commanded." 24:10-23

  • Anyone who blasphemes or curses shall be stoned to death by the entire community. 24:16

  • "He that killeth any man shall surely be put to death." 24:17

  • "If a man cause a blemish in his neighbour; as he hath done, so shall it be done to him." 24:19

  • "Breach for breach, eye for eye, tooth for tooth: as he hath caused a blemish in a man, so shall it be done to him again." 24:20

  • "He that killeth a man, he shall be put to death." 24:21

  • God tells the Israelites to make slaves out of their neighbors and their families. The "heathens" and "strangers" are to be their possessions forever. 25:44-46

  • God tells the Israelites to "chase" their enemies and make them "fall before you by the sword." He figures five of the Israelites will be able to "chase" a hundred of their enemies, and a hundred will be able to "put ten thousand to flight." 26:7-8

  • If you don't follow all of the laws in the Old Testament, God will shower you with all of the curses in the next 25 verses. 26:14-15

  • "I will even appoint over you terror, consumption, and the burning ague, that shall consume the eyes, and cause sorrow of heart: and ye shall sow your seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it." 26:16

  • "I will set my face against you, and ye shall be slain before your enemies." 26:17

  • "I will bring seven times more plagues upon you according to your sins." 26:21

  • "I will also send wild beasts among you, which shall rob you of your children, and destroy your cattle." 26:22

  • "I will bring a sword upon you ... I will send the pestilence among you; and ye shall be delivered into the hand of the enemy." 26:25

  • "And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat." 26:29

  • "I will ... cast your carcases upon the carcases of your idols, and my soul shall abhor you." 26:30

  • "And I will make your cities waste." 26:31

  • "And I will bring the land into desolation". 26:32

  • "And I will scatter you among the heathen, and will draw out a sword after you: and your land shall be desolate, and your cities waste." 26:33

  • "And they shall fall one upon another, as it were before a sword, when none pursueth: and ye shall have no power to stand before your enemies." 26:37

  • "And ye shall perish among the heathen, and the land of your enemies shall eat you up." 26:38

  • All "devoted" things (both man and beast) "shall surely be put to death." 27:28-29

    Numbers

  • God shows his hospitality with the admonition: "The stranger that cometh nigh shall be put to death." 1:51, 3:10, 3:38

  • Two of Aaron's sons are killed by God for "offering strange fire before the Lord." 3:4

  • Don't touch or "go in to see when the holy things are covered." God kills people who touch or look at covered holy things. 4:15, 20

  • God tells the people to expel from camp "every leper, every one that hath an issue, and whoever is defiled by the dead." So by God's instructions, the sick are abandoned and left to suffer and die alone. 5:1-4

  • "He shall bring two turtles, or two young pigeons, to the priest ... and the priest shall offer the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering." 6:10-11

  • "He ... shall bring a lamb of the first year for a trespass offering." 6:12

  • "He shall offer his offering unto the LORD, one he lamb of the first year without blemish for a burnt offering, and one ewe lamb of the first year without blemish for a sin offering, and one ram without blemish for peace offerings." 6:14

  • "The priest shall bring them before the LORD, and shall offer his sin offering, and his burnt offering." 616:

  • "The priest shall offer also his meat offering." 6:17

  • "And the priest shall take the sodden shoulder of the ram." 619:

  • "And the priest shall wave them for a wave offering before the LORD: this is holy for the priest, with the wave breast and heave shoulder." 6:20

  • When Moses set up the tabernacle, each of the twelve tribes kills a bullock, lamb, ram, and a kid, two oxen, and five rams, goats, and lambs for God, for a grand total of 240 animal sacrifices. 7:15-88

  • "The Levites shall lay their hands upon the heads of the bullocks: and thou shalt offer the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering." 8:8-12

  • All firstborn Israelites, "both man and beast", belong to God. He got them the day that he killed every Egyptian firstborn child and animal. 8:17

  • "And when the people complained, it displeased the Lord: and the Lord heard it (He had his hearing aid on.) .... and his anger was kindled; and the fire of the LORD burnt among them, and consumed them."
    God burned the complainers alive. That'll teach them! 11:1-2

  • "And wile the flesh [of the quails] was yet between their teeth, ere it was chewed, the wrath of the Lord was kindled against the people, and the Lord smote the people with a very great plague. "The Bible isn't too clear about what these poor folks did to upset God so much; all it says is that they had "lusted." 11:33

  • Miriam and Aaron (Moses' brother and sister) criticize Moses for marrying an Ethiopian woman and thus breaking the law of God. But God makes it clear that his rules don't apply to his favorites, and he strikes Miriam with leprosy. Notice that only Miriam is punished, though both she and Aaron complained. 12:1, 9-10

  • God tells Moses that he is going to kill all of the Israelites -- every last whining one of the them, and then make a whole bunch of brand new Israelites. 14:12

  • God punishes the children for the failings of their great-great grandfathers. 14:18

  • So Moses talked God out of killing everyone. He'll just see to it that no one over 20 years old survives the trip to Israel. Their "carcases shall fall in the wilderness." 14:20-35

  • God killed the ten spies that gave a discouraging report with a plague. 14:36-37

  • God gives more instructions for the ritualistic killing of animals. The smell of burning flesh is "a sweet savour unto the Lord." 15:3, 13-14, 24

  • The Israelites find a man picking up sticks on the sabbath. God commands them to kill him by throwing rocks at him. 15:32-36

  • Separate yourselves from among this congregation, that I may consume them in a moment."
    God warns everyone to get away; he's going to kill some more people. 16:20-21

  • "Hereby ye shall know that the LORD hath sent me ... if the LORD make ... the earth open her mouth, and swallow them up, with all that appertain unto them, and they go down quick into the pit..."
    Moses tells the people that if the ground opens up and swallows the rebels and their families, then you'll know that God's on his side. 16:28-30

  • "The earth opened her mouth, and swallowed them up, and their houses, and all the men that appertained unto Korah ... They ... went down alive into the pit, and the earth closed upon them." 16:31-33

  • "And there came out a fire from the LORD, and consumed the two hundred and fifty men that offered incense." 16:35

  • After God killed Korah, his family, and 250 innocent bystanders, the people complained saying, "ye have killed the people of the Lord." So God, who doesn't take kindly to criticism, sends a plague on the people. And "they that died in the plague were 14,700." 16:41-50

  • "Get you up from among this congregation, that I may consume them as in a moment."
    God threatens (again) to kill everyone (but his special friends, Moses and Aaron). 16:44-45

  • "For there is wrath gone out from the LORD; the plague is begun ... they that died in the plague were fourteen thousand and seven hundred." 16:46-49

  • "Thou shalt quite take away their murmurings from me, that they die not." God threatens to kill those who murmur. 17:10

  • God threatens to kill those who murmur. To which the people reply, "Behold, we die, we perish, we all perish .... Shall we be consumed with dying?" 17:12-13

  • "They shall not come nigh the vessels of the sanctuary and the altar, that neither they, nor ye also, die."
    Stay away from holy things and places -- like churches. God might have to kill you if you get too close. 18:3

  • God shows us how to make new friends by saying : "The stranger that cometh nigh shall be put to death." 18:7

  • God describes once again the procedure for ritualistic animal sacrifices. such rituals must be extremely important to God, since he makes their performance a "statute" and "covenant" forever. 18:17-19

  • "Neither must the children of Israel henceforth come nigh the tabernacle of the congregation, lest they bear sin, and die." 18:22

  • "Neither shall ye pollute the holy things of the children of Israel, lest ye die." 18:32

  • "This is the ordinance of the law which the LORD hath commanded."
    These absurd rituals, cruel sacrifices, and unjust punishments are vitally important to God. They are to be "a perpetual statute" for everyone on earth. 19:1-22

  • "Take of her blood with his finger, and sprinkle ... seven times."
    God's instructions for putting blood on fingers, sprinkling it around, and then burning the dung of sacrificial animals. This is something that everyone needs to know about. (That's why it's in the Bible!). 19.html#4">19:4-5

  • "And the Lord hearkened to the voice of Israel, and delivered up the Canaanites; and they utterly destroyed them and their cities." This verse demonstrates the power of prayer: If you ask God, he will destroy entire cities for you. 21:3

  • God sends "fiery serpents" to bite his chosen people, and many of them die. 21:6

  • God delivers the Amorites into Moses' hands. (You're in God hands with Moses.) So Moses does the usual thing, killing everyone "until their was none left alive." 21:34-35

  • God's people will kill like a lion and then "drink the blood of the slain." 23:24

  • God, who is as strong as a unicorn, will eat up the nations, break their bones, and then pierce them through with his arrows. What a guy! 24:8

  • After the people "commit whoredom with the daughters of Moab," Moses has them all killed. Then God tells Moses to hang their dead bodies up in front of him; God says that this will satisfy him. 25:1-5

  • When one of the Israelite men brings home a foreign woman, "Phinehas (Aaron's grandson) sees them and throws a spear "through the man .. and the woman through her belly." This act pleases God so much that "the plague was stayed from the children of Israel." But not before 24,000 had died. 25:6-9

  • For impaling the interracial couple, God rewards Phinehas and his sons with the everlasting priesthood. 25:10-13

  • God tells Moses how to care for his neighbors by saying: "Vex the Midianites, and smite them." 25:16-17

  • The ground swallow Korah and his companions and a fire consumes 250 men. 26:10

  • "And Nadab and Abihu died when they offered strange fire before the Lord." When you go camping avoid making any unusual fires. 26:61

  • In these chapters, God provides ridiculously detailed instructions for the ritualistic sacrifice of animals. The burning of their dead bodies smells great to God. Eleven times in these two chapters God says that they are to him a "sweet savour." 28 - 29

  • Under God's direction, Moses' army defeats the Midianites. They kill all the adult males, but take the women and children captive. When Moses learns that they left some live, he angrily says: "Have you saved all the women alive? Kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves." So they went back and did as Moses (and presumably God) instructed, killing everyone except for the virgins. In this way they got 32,000 virgins -- Wow! (Even God gets some of the booty -- including the virgins.) 31:1-54

  • God killed all the Egyptian firstborn. 33:4

  • God tells Moses to exterminate the residents of Canaan and destroy all of their religious symbols and possessions. 33:50-52

  • But if the Israelites don't kill them all, then God will make them pricks in their eyes and thorns in their sides. And he will do unto the Israelites as he planned to do to the inhabitants of Canaan. 33:55-56

  • "The revenger of blood himself shall slay the murderer: when he meeteth him, he shall slay him." The "revenger of blood" (the victim's closest relative) must murder the murderer just as soon as he sees him. 35:19, 21

  • "But if the slayer shall at any time come without the border of the city of his refuge ... and the revenger of blood kill the slayer; he shall not be guilty of blood. Because he should have remained in the city of his refuge until the death of the high priest" If the accidental killer leaves the city of refuge and is caught by the revenger of blood, then the revenger can legally kill the accidental killer. 35:26-28

  • "Whoso killeth any person, the murderer shall be put to death." 35:30

  • "The land cannot be cleansed of the blood that is shed therein, but by the blood of him that shed it." 35:33

    Deuteronomy

  • "God ... shall fight for you." 1:30

  • "The hand of the LORD was against them, to destroy them from among the host, until they were consumed."
    God killed all the Israelite soldiers -- slowly. It took him 38 years to kill them all, but he finally got the job done. 2:14-16

  • "A land of giants: giants dwelt therein in old time ... but the Lord destroyed them." 2:20

  • "The Lord destroyed them before them" -- the general treatment of the people who were supposedly displaced by the Israelites. 2:21-22

  • "I have given into thine hand Sihon the Amorite, king of Heshbon, and his land: begin to possess it, and contend with him in battle." 2:24

  • All nations shall be terrorized by the followers of Yahweh. 2:25

  • God hardened the heart of the king of Heshbon and so that he could have him and all of his people killed. 2:30

  • At God's instructions, the Israelites "utterly destroyed the men, women, and the little ones" leaving "none to remain." 2:33-36

  • The Israelites, with God's help, kill all the men, women, and children of every city. 3:3-6

  • "And we utterly destroyed them, as we did unto Sihon king of Heshbon, utterly destroying the men, women, and children, of every city." 3:6

  • Moses promises Joshua that God will massacre kings and kingdoms for him, too. 3:21

  • When going to war, don't be afraid. God is on your side; "he shall fight for you." 3:22

  • "What God is there in heaven or in earth, that can do according to thy works?" What other God can kill so many people? 3:24

  • God destroyed the followers of Baalpeor. 4:3

  • God brought the Israelites out of Egypt "by war ... and by great terrors." 4:34

  • If someone makes an image of anything (like a bird or flower) then God will destroy the entire nation. 4:25-26

  • If you worship the wrong god, God will get jealous and kill you. 6:15

  • God instructs the Israelites to kill, without mercy, all the inhabitants (strangers) of the land that they conquer. 7:2

  • If you do show any mercy to such strangers, "give your daughters to any of them, or "take" any of their daughters, then you'll get God so angry that he'll "destroy thee suddenly." 7:4

  • God will kill those who hate him. 7:10

  • God commands his people to "consume all the people which the Lord thy God shall deliver thee; thine eye shall have no pity on them." 7:16

  • God will send hornets to kill your enemies, "for the Lord thy God is among you, a mighty God and terrible." 7:20-23

  • "The LORD thy God shall deliver them unto thee, and shall destroy them with a mighty destruction, until they be destroyed." 7:23

  • "If thou do at all forget the LORD thy God, and walk after other gods ... ye shall surely perish." 8:19-20

  • God is "a consuming fire" that destroys people. 9:3

  • "The blood of sacrifices shall be poured out ... and thou shalt eat the flesh." Isn't this the sort of thing that Satanists are accused of doing? 12:27

  • After God kills those of other faiths, be sure to reject their beliefs and do not learn about them. Otherwise God will have to kill you too. 12:30

  • Prophets and dreamers are to be executed if they say or dream the wrong things. 13:1-5

  • If your brother, son, daughter, wife, or friend tries to get you to worship another god, "thou shalt surely kill him, thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death." 13:6-10

  • If you hear of a city where another god is worshiped, then destroy everyone in the city (even the cattle) and burn it down. (Watch out Salt Lake!) 13:12-16

  • Kill everyone who has religious beliefs that are different from your own. 17:2-7

  • Anyone who will not listen to a priest or a judge must be executed. 17:12-13

  • False prophets are to be (you guessed it) executed. How do you know who is a false prophet? By whether or not their predictions come true. (Watch out Jehovah's Witnesses!) 18:20

  • A murderer is to be killed by "the avenger of blood," which is the victim's nearest relative. "And thine eye shall not pity" them. 19:11-13

  • False witnesses are to be execucuted. 19:18-19

  • "And thine eye shall not pity. Life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot." 19:21

  • God travels with people and fights in their wars. 20:4

  • In the cities that god "delivers into thine hands" you must kill all the males (including old men, boys, and babies) with "the edge of the sword .... But the women ... shalt thou take unto yourself." 20:13

  • "But of the cities ... which the Lord thy God doth give thee for an inheritance, thou shalt save alive nothing that breatheth." Kill the old men and women, the sick and the dying, the blind and the lame, pregnant mothers, nursing mothers, infants, toddlers, and babies. 20:16

  • If you find a dead body and don't know the cause of death, then get all the elders together, cut off the head of a heifer, wash your hands over its body, and say our hands have not shed this blood. (That'll do it!) 21:1-8

  • If you have a "stubborn and rebellious son," then you and the other men in your neighborhood "shall stone him with stones that he die." 21:18-21

  • Hang on trees the bodies of those who are "accursed of God." They make nice decorations. 21:22

  • If a man marries, then decides that he hates his wife, he can claim she wasn't a virgin when they were married. If her father can't produce the "tokens of her virginity" (bloody sheets), then the woman is to be stoned to death at her father's doorstep. 22:13-21

  • "If a man be found lying with a woman married to a husband, then they shall both of them die." 22:22

  • If a betrothed virgin is raped in the city and doesn't cry out loud enough, then "the men of the city shall stone her to death." 22:23-24

  • Legal disputes are settled by a judge who determines guilt or innocence. No lawyers or jury are needed. Those found guilty will be beaten with 40 stripes. 25:1-3

  • If two men fight and the wife of one grabs the "secrets" of the other, "then thou shalt cut off her hand" and "thine eye shall not pity her." 25:11-12

  • God commands the Israelites to "blot out the rembrance of Amalek from under heaven." A few hundred years later God orders Saul to kill of the Amalekites "both man and woman, infant and suckling." (1 Sam.15:2-3) 25:19

  • If you don't obey all of the laws that are given in the Old Testament, God shower you with the curses that are given in the next 52 verses. 28:16-68

  • "Cursed shall be the fruit of thy body." 28:18

  • "The LORD shall send upon thee cursing, vexation, and rebuke, in all that thou settest thine hand unto for to do, until thou be destroyed, and until thou perish quickly." 28:20

  • "The LORD shall make the pestilence cleave unto thee, until he have consumed thee." 28:21

  • "The LORD shall make the rain of thy land powder and dust: from heaven shall it come down upon thee, until thou be destroyed." 28:24

  • "The LORD shall cause thee to be smitten before thine enemies." 28:25

  • "And thy carcass shall be meat to all the fowls of the air, and no man shall fray them away." 28:26

  • "The Lord will smite thee with the botch of Egypt, and the emerods [hemorrhoids], and with the scab, and with the itch, whereof thou canst be healed." 28:27

  • "The Lord will smite thee with madness, and blindness, and astonishment of heart." 28:28

  • "And thou shalt grope at noonday, as the blind gropeth in darkness, and thou shalt not prosper in thy ways: and thou shalt be only oppressed and spoiled evermore, and no man shall save thee." 28:29

  • "Thine ox shall be slain before thine eyes ... thine ass shall be violently taken away." 28:31

  • "Thy sons and thy daughters shall be given unto another people." 28:32

  • "The fruit of thy land, and all thy labours, shall a nation which thou knowest not eat up; and thou shalt be only oppressed and crushed." 28:33

  • You will be enslaved and driven mad in another country. 28:33-34

  • "The Lord will smite thee in the knees, and in the legs, with a sore botch that cannot be healed, from the sole of thy foot unto the top of thy head." 28:35

  • You will be ruled by other nations, forced to serve other gods, become a laughingstock among your neighbors, have your crops destroyed by locusts, your vines eaten by worms, and have fruitless olive trees. 28:36-40

  • "Thou shalt begat sons and daughters, but thou shall not enjoy them; for they shall go into captivity." 28:41

  • "All these curses shall come upon thee ... and upon thy seed for ever." 28:48-49

  • God will enslave you and destroy you with hunger, thirst, hardship, and all kinds of deprivation. 28:48-52

  • "And thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and of thy daughters." 28:53

  • "So that the man that is tender among you, and very delicate, his eye shall be evil toward his brother, and toward the wife of his bosom, and toward the remnant of his children which he shall leave: So that he will not give to any of them of the flesh of his children whom he shall eat." 28:54-55

  • "The tender and delicate woman" will be forced to eat her own children "that cometh out from between her feet." 28:56-57

  • "If thou wilt not observe to do all the words of this law that are written in this book. Then the LORD will make thy plagues wonderful, and the plagues of thy seed ... Also every sickness, and every plague, which is not written in the book of this law, them will the LORD bring upon thee, until thou be destroyed." 28:58-61

  • If the Jews don't follow God's laws he'll have most of them killed. 28:62

  • "The LORD will rejoice over you to destroy you, and to bring you to nought." 28:63

  • "And the LORD shall scatter thee among all people, from the one end of the earth even unto the other; and there thou shalt serve other gods." 28:64

  • "The LORD shall give thee there a trembling heart, and failing of eyes, and sorrow of mind." 28:65

  • "And thy life shall hang in doubt before thee; and thou shalt fear day and night, and shalt have none assurance of thy life." 28:66

  • "In the morning thou shalt say, Would God it were even! and at even thou shalt say, Would God it were morning! for the fear of thine heart wherewith thou shalt fear, and for the sight of thine eyes which thou shalt see." 28:67

  • God will have you sold to your enemies -- but even they won't buy you. 28:68

  • If you serve the gods of other nations, "all the curses that are in this book" will fall upon you. 29:18-20

  • If you follow your own heart, God will curse you with all the curses in Deuteronomy 28:15-68. 29:19-20

  • "And the Lord will put all these curses upon thine enemies." See Dt.28:16-64 for some of the curses God has in mind. 30:7

  • Moses tells the people that God will destroy all the inhabitants of the lands that they pass through. 31:3

  • When God gets mad -- watch out! He'll starve you to death, burn you with fire, and send vicious beasts to devour you. He'll "destroy both the young man and the virgin, the suckling also with the man of gray hairs." Not even the helpless and innocent are spared by this psychotic God. 32:21-26

  • "For a fire is kindled in mine anger, and shall burn unto the lowest hell, and shall consume the earth with her increase, and set on fire the foundations of the mountains." 32:22

  • "I will heap mischiefs upon them; I will spend mine arrows upon them." 32:23

  • "They shall be burnt with hunger, and devoured with burning heat, and with bitter destruction: I will also send the teeth of beasts upon them, with the poison of serpents of the dust." 32:24

  • "The sword without, and terror within, shall destroy both the young man and the virgin, the suckling also with the man of gray hairs." 32:25

  • "I said, I would scatter them into corners, I would make the remembrance of them to cease from among men." 32:26

  • God says, "To me belongeth vengeance, and recompense ... for the day of their destruction is at hand." 32:35

  • God says, "I kill ... I wound ... I will make my arrows drunk with blood, and my sword shall devour flesh." Someone should take his sword and arrows away, at least until he's feeling better. 32:39-43

    Joshua

  • "Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."
    Donald Rumsfeld sent this verse to inspire the troops during the 2003 invasion of Iraq. 1:9

  • God "magnifies" Joshua and promises to "without fail" drive out all the inhabitants of the lands through which they passed. 3:7

  • "And the city shall be accursed ... and all that therein, to the Lord: only Rahab the harlot shall live." God explains that Rahab is to be spared since she hid Joshua's spies and lied to those who were searching for them (2:4-5). But why was everyone else killed? Some of them were probably liars too. 6:17

  • "And they utterly destroyed all that was in the city, both man and woman, young and old, and ox, and sheep, and ass, with the edge of the sword." 6:21

  • After killing everyone, "they burnt the city with fire, and all that was therein." Only the valuables (silver, gold, brass, and iron) did they keep to "put into the treasury of the house of the Lord." 6:24

  • Joshua says that those who try to rebuild Jericho will be accursed by God, and will have to sacrifice both their oldest and their youngest sons in its construction. Well, Jericho still exists today, and is often considered to be the world's oldest, continuously occupied city. 6:26

  • God tells Joshua to kill whoever took "the accursed thing." 7:10-12

  • If you happen to see "the accursed thing," don't touch it. If you do, you, your family, and all of your animals must be burned. 7:15

  • "And Joshua ... took Achan ... and his sons, and his daughters, and his oxen, and his sheep... And all of Israel stoned them with stones, and burned them with fire, after they had stoned them with stones." This is because Achan "took of the accursed thing" -- whatever that means. But why would God require that Achan's sons and daughters (and even his animals) be stoned to death along with him? The Bible doesn't say. But it does tell us that "the Lord turned from the fierceness of his anger" when Achan, his children, and his animals were stoned to death and their dead bodies burned. 7:24-26

  • "When ye have taken the city [Ai] ... ye shall set the city on fire: according to the commandment of the LORD. 8:8

  • "They smote them, so that they let none of them remain or escape." 8:22

  • "When Israel had made an end of slaying all the inhabitants of Ai in the field ... all the Israelites returned unto Ai, and smote it with the edge of the sword." 8:24

  • "All that fell that day, both of men and women, were twelve thousand." 8:25

  • Joshua hangs the king of Ai on a tree until evening. 8:29

  • After Joshua kills all the inhabitants of Ai, burns their city, and hangs their king on a tree, he kills some animals and burns them as a "peace offering" to his warlike God. 8:31

  • God curses the Gibeonites to be slaves of the Jews forever. 9:21-27

  • "And the LORD said unto Joshua, Fear them not: for I have delivered them into thine hand."
    God delivers the Amorites into Joshua's hand (so he can kill them all). 10:8

  • "And the LORD discomfited them before Israel, and slew them with a great slaughter at Gibeon, and chased them along the way."
    God slaughters the Amorites and even chases them along the way. 10:10

  • "The LORD cast down great stones from heaven upon them ... and they died."
    As the Amorites try to escape, God sends down huge hailstones and kills even more of them. 10:11

  • In a divine type of daylight savings time, God makes the sun stand still so that Joshua can get all his killing done before dark. 10:12-13

  • God tells Joshua to "pursue after your enemies and smite the hindmost of them." (Kick their butts.) Don't let any of them escape "for the Lord your God hath delivered them into your hand." 10:19

  • Joshua tells his captains to "put your feet upon the necks of these kings." He says, "thus shall the Lord do to all of your enemies." Then Joshua kills the kings and hangs them on trees. 10:24-26

  • "Put your feet upon the necks of these kings." 10:24

  • "Thus shall the LORD do to all your enemies." 10:25

  • "Joshua smote them, and slew them, and hanged them on five trees." 10:25

  • Joshua, at God's command, kills everyone and everything that he can find (including babies and little children)-- or, as the Bible puts it, he "utterly destroyed all that breathed, as the Lord commanded." 10:28-32

  • "Joshua ... smote it with the edge of the sword ... and all the souls that were therein; he let none remain." 10:28

  • "Then Joshua ... fought against Libnah: And the LORD delivered it also ... and he smote it with the edge of the sword, and all the souls that were therein; he let none remain in it." 10:29-30

  • "The LORD delivered Lachish into the hand of Israel, which ... smote it with the edge of the sword, and all the souls that were therein." 10:32

  • Then Horam king of Gezer came up to help Lachish; and Joshua smote him and his people, until he had left him none remaining." 10:33

  • "Joshua passed unto Eglon ... and smote it with the edge of the sword, and all the souls that were therein he utterly destroyed." 10:34-35

  • "Joshua went ... unto Hebron ... and smote it with the edge of the sword ... and all the cities ... and all the souls that were therein; he left none remaining." 10:36-37

  • "Joshua returned ... to Debir ... And he took it ... and all the cities ... and they smote them with the edge of the sword, and utterly destroyed all the souls that were therein; he left none remaining."10:38-39

  • "So Joshua ... left none remaining, but utterly destroyed all that breathed, as the LORD God of Israel commanded." 10:40

  • "All these kings and their land did Joshua take at one time, because the LORD God of Israel fought for Israel." 10:42

  • God delivers the Hazorites into Joshua's hand, and he knows just what to do with them: he smites them all with (you guessed it) the edge of the sword until "there was not any left to breathe." 11:6-17

  • "And the LORD delivered them into the hand of Israel, who smote them ... and they smote them, until they left them none remaining." 11:8

  • "And Joshua did unto them as the LORD bade him: he houghed their horses." 11:9

  • "Joshua ... smote the king thereof with the sword." 11:10

  • "And they smote all the souls that were therein with the edge of the sword, utterly destroying them: there was not any left to breathe." 11:11

  • "And all the cities of those kings, and all the kings of them, did Joshua take, and smote them with the edge of the sword, and he utterly destroyed them, as Moses the servant of the LORD commanded." 11:12

  • "Every man they smote with the edge of the sword, until they had destroyed them, neither left they any to breathe." 11:14

  • "As the LORD commanded Moses his servant, so did Moses command Joshua, and so did Joshua; he left nothing undone of all that the LORD commanded Moses." 11:15

  • "So Joshua took ... all their kings ... and smote them, and slew them." 11:16-17

  • "For it was of the Lord to harden their hearts, that they should come against Israel in battle, that he might destroy them utterly." Notice that God hardens their hearts so that he can have an excuse to kill them. 11:20

  • "Joshua destroyed them utterly with their cities." 11:21

  • Caleb offers to give his daughter to whoever conquers the city of Debir. Caleb's nephew wins the contest and is given his cousin for a prize. 15:16-17

  • "Did not Achan son of Zerah commit a trespass in the accursed thing, and wrath fell on all the congregation of Israel?" To find out see Joshua 7:1-26. 22:20

  • "I plagued Egypt." 24:5

  • God brags about drowning the Egyptians. 24:7

  • "I gave them [the Amorites] into your hand, that ye might possess their land; and I destroyed them from before you." 24:8

  • "I delivered them into your hand." 24:11

  • God sent hornets to fight for the Israelites. 24:12

  • God is jealous and will never forgive you for your sins. "He will turn and do you hurt, and consume you." 24:19-20

    Judges

  • God appoints Judah to succeed Joshua. The Lord delivers his foes into his hands and another 10,000 are slain. In the process, they capture Adonibezek and "cut off his thumbs and great toes." Nice guys. 1:2-6

  • The LORD delivered the Canaanites and the Perizzites into their hand: and they slew of them in Bezek ten thousand men." 1:4

  • "They slew the Canaanites that inhabited Zephath, and utterly destroyed it ... And the Lord was with Judah." (You can tell by the number of innocent people he killed.) 1:17, 19

  • The Israelite spies killed everyone in Bethel, except for the man (and his family) who showed them how to enter the city. 1:25

  • "The children of Israel did evil again in the sight of the LORD: and the LORD strengthened Eglon the king of Moab against Israel ... So the children of Israel served Eglon the king of Moab eighteen years." 3:12-14

  • Ehud delivers a "message from God" to the king of Moab. God's message consists of a knife thrust so deeply into the king's belly that it could not be extracted, "and the dirt came out." Just another lovely Bible story. 3:15-22

  • God "delivers" more folks into the hands of his chosen people. "And they slew of Moab ... about 10,000 men ... and their escaped not a man." 3:28-29

  • Shamgar kills 600 Philistines with an ox goad. Praise God. 3:31

  • "The Lord shall sell Sisera into the hand of a woman." 4:9

  • "The Lord discomfited Sisera ... with the edge of the sword ... and there was not a man left." 4:15-16

  • Jael (our heroine) offers food and shelter to a traveler (Sisera, Jabin's captain), saying "turn in my Lord ... fear not." Then after giving him a glass of milk and tucking him in, she drives a tent stake through his head. "So God subdued on that day Jabin." 4:17-23

  • For murdering her guest while he slept, Jael is "blessed above women." (Hail Jael, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women....?) 5:24-26

  • "So let all thine enemies perish, O Lord." (Let them all have their temples pierced by blessed women.) 5:31

  • "The children of Israel did evil in the sight of the LORD: and the LORD delivered them into the hand of Midian seven years."
    God forces the Israelites to be slaves to the Midianites for seven years. 6:1

  • "The LORD said unto him, Surely I will be with thee, and thou shalt smite the Midianites as one man." God promises to help Gideon kill all the Midianites. 6:16

  • "The second bullock was offered upon the altar." 6:28

  • When Gideon and his water-lapping companions blow their trumpets, God forces all the enemy soldiers to kill each other, killing 120,000. 7:22, 8:10

  • Two princes are killed and their heads are brought to Gideon. 7:25

  • For refusing to feed him and his army, Gideon swears that he'll tear the flesh off the elders of Succoth. (And he carries out his threat in verse 16.) 8:7

  • "He took the elders of the city, and thorns of the wilderness and briers, and with them he taught the men of Succoth." 8:16

  • "He beat down the tower of Penuel, and slew the men of the city." 8:17

  • Gideon orders his son to kill two kings, but he refuses. So Gideon has to do it himself since his son isn't "man" enough to do it. 8:20-21

  • Abimelech kills 69 brothers "upon one stone." (He was trying to get in the Guinness Book of World Records.) 9:5

  • The curse of Jotham: "Let fire come out from Abimelech, and devour the men of Shechem." (See 9:57) 9:20

  • God sends evil spirits that cause humans to deal treacherously with each other. 9:23-24

  • "And all the evil of the men of Shechem did God render upon their heads: and upon them came the curse of Jotham the son of Jerubbaal."
    God had one thousand men and women burned to death to punish them for supporting Abimelech rather than Jotham. 9:57

  • "God ... delivered Sihon and all his people into the hand of Israel, and they smote them: so Israel possessed all the land of the Amorites." 11:21

  • "Whomsoever the LORD our God shall drive out from before us, them will we [the Israelites] possess." 11:24

  • When "the spirit of the Lord" comes upon Jephthah, he makes a deal with God: If God will help him kill the Ammonites, then he (Jephthah) will offer to God as a burnt offering whatever comes out of his house to greet him. God keeps his end of the deal by providing Jephthah with "a very great slaughter." But when Jephthah returns, his nameless daughter comes out to greet him (who'd he expect, his wife?). Well, a deal's a deal, so he delivers her to God as a burnt offering -- after letting her spend a couple of months going up and down on the mountains bewailing her virginity. 11:29-39

  • "The LORD delivered them into his hands ... And he smote them ... even twenty cities ... with a very great slaughter." 11:32-33

  • "Her father ... did with her according to his vow which he had vowed." 11:39

  • 42,000 Ephraimites fail the "shibboleth" test and are killed by Gideon's army. 12:6

  • "Manoah took a kid with a meat offering, and offered it upon a rock unto the LORD." 13:19

  • Samson's lust for the Philistine woman was "of the Lord." It was all a part of God's plan for killing Philistines. 14:4

  • Samson rips up a young lion when "the spirit of the Lord came mightily upon him." 14:5

  • "And the Spirit of the LORD came upon him, and he went down to Ashkelon, and slew thirty men ... and gave change of garments unto them which expounded the riddle."
    When the Spirit of the Lord came upon Samson, he killed 30 men at random and took their clothes and gave it to the guys at the party as a prize for guessing his riddle.
    (Samson might have been a decent person if he could have kept the spirit of the Lord off him.) 14:19

  • Samson catches 300 foxes, ties their tails together, and sets them on fire; the Philistines burn Samson's ex-wife and father-in-law; and Samson smites them "hip and thigh with a great slaughter." 15:4-8

  • "The spirit of the Lord came mightily upon" Samson and "he found a new jawbone of an ass ... and took it, and slew 1000 men therewith." 15:14-15

  • Samson, with God's help, kills himself and 3000 Philistine men and women by causing a roof to collapse, setting an example for Bible-based terrorism. 16:27-30

  • After taking in a traveling Levite, the host offers his virgin daughter and his guest's concubine to a mob of perverts (who want to have sex with his guest). The mob refuses the daughter, but accepts the concubine and they "abuse her all night." The next morning she crawls back to the doorstep and dies. The Levite puts her dead body on an ass and takes her home. Then he chops her body up into twelve pieces and sends them to each of the twelve tribes of Israel 19:22-30

  • God tells the Israelites to send the tribe of Judah into battle and 22,000 men were killed by the Benjamites. 20:18, 21

  • God tells Phinehas to fight against the Benjamites, saying he will deliver them into his hand. So the Israelites kill some more people for God. 20:38-41

  • God tells them to go to battle again and another 18,000 are killed. 20:23, 25

  • God helps the Israelites kill 25,100 Benjamites. 20:35

  • The Israelites killed everyone in the city with the edge of the sword. 20:37

  • Another 25,000 Benjamites are killed by the God-assisted Israelites. 20:44, 46

  • The Israelites finish their massacre of the Benjamites by killing all the men, animals, and everything they could find in every Benjamite city. Then they burned the cities to the ground. (In this way God helped the Israelites make everything better after the rape and dismemberment of the concubine.) 20:48

  • To find wives for the Benjamites (they were unwilling to use their own daughters), the other tribes attacked and killed all occupants of a city except for the young virgins. These virgins were then given to the Benjamites for wives. 21:7-23

    Ruth (None)

    1 Samuel

  • "The Lord killeth ..." -- every chance he gets. 2:6, 2:25

  • "The adversaries of the Lord shall be broken to pieces; out of heaven shall he thunder upon them." If God doesn't like you, he'll send a thunderstorm your way to break your body into little pieces. 2:10

  • God will kill those who sin against him. 2:25

  • If you piss him off, God will cut off your arm, consume your eyes, grieve your heart, and kill your sons and grandfathers. 2:31-34

  • God will punish Eli's descendants forever for the sins of Eli's sons. 3:12-13

  • God smites the people of Ashdod with hemorrhoids "in their secret parts." 5:6-12

  • God kills 50,070 men for looking into the ark. "And the people lamented, because the Lord had smitten many of the people with a great slaughter." 6:19

  • "I make a covenant with your, that I may thrust out all your right eyes." Deals like this can only be found in the Bible. 11:2

  • "And the spirit of God came upon Saul ... and he took a yoke of oxen, and hewed them in pieces, and sent them throughout all the coast of Israel." People do the darnedest things when the spirit of God comes upon them! 11:6-7

  • "Saul ... slew the Ammorites unto the heat of the day." Then he took a little break. After all, killing is hard work. 11:11

  • God delivers the Philistines into Jonathan's hand. And his very "first slaughter ... was about twenty men." Not bad for a first slaughter. 14:12

  • Under God's influence, the Philistines killed each other. 14:20

  • But later, Saul and his army kill all of those who had not already been killed. 14:36

  • God orders Saul to kill all of the Amalekites: men, women, infants, sucklings, ox, sheep, camels, and asses. Why? Because God remembers what Amalek did hundreds of years ago. 15:2-3

  • Saul killed everyone but Agag (the king) and the best of the animals. But still God was furious with Saul for not killing everything as he had been told to do. He said, "it repenteth me that I have set Saul up to be king." 15:7-26

  • Saul is rebuked by Samuel for "doing evil in the sight of the Lord" by failing to kill all of the Amalekites. 15:18-19

  • Because Saul didn't kill everyone as God commanded, God changes his mind about him being king. 15:23-26

  • To please God, Samuel hacks Agag in pieces "before the Lord" [I bet God enjoyed that!] -- after Agag pleads with him saying, "surely the bitterness of death has past." 15:32-34

  • After God rejects Saul for refusing to kill indiscriminately, he sends Samuel to find another king. David is chosen and anointed by Samuel, and "the spirit of the Lord came upon him from that day forward." 16:13

  • The evil spirit from the Lord
    "But the spirit of the Lord departed from Saul [since he was not murderous enough for God], and an evil spirit from the Lord troubled him." But if God is good, then how could he have an evil spirit? 16:14-16, 23

  • David kills Goliath with his sling, beheads him, and carries the head back to Jerusalem. 17:51-57

  • David and Saul have a contest to see who can kill the most people for God, and the women act as cheerleaders saying, "Saul has killed his thousands, and David his tens of thousands." 18:6-7, 21:11, 29:5

  • David kills 200 Philistines and brings their foreskins to Saul to buy his first wife (Saul's daughter Michal). Saul had only asked for 100 foreskins, but David was feeling generous. 18:25-27

  • "David went out, and fought with the Philistines, and slew them with a great slaughter." 19:8

  • Saul kills 85 priests of Nob and all men, women, children, and animals in the city of Nob. 22:18-19

  • "David inquired of the Lord, saying, Shall I go and smite these Philistines? And the Lord said unto David, Go, and smite the Philistines ... So David smote them with a great slaughter." 23:2-5

  • David vows to kill "any that pisseth against the wall." 25:22, 34

  • "And it came to pass about ten days after, that the Lord smote Nabal, that he died." This was convenient for David who then took his property and his wife, Abigail. 25:38

  • "And David smote the land and left neither man nor woman alive." (No wonder God liked David so much!) 27:8-11

  • Saul visits a woman with a "familiar spirit" and she brings Samuel back from the dead. Samuel once again explains that God is angry at Saul for not killing all of the Amalekites. He says God is going to deliver all of Israel into the hands of the Philistines. (Since Saul refused to slaughter innocent people, God will slaughter the Israelites. Fair is fair.) 28:8-19

  • David spends the day killing more of those pesky Amalekites. They are completely wiped out again. (See 1 Sam.15:7-8, 20 and 27:8-9 for the last two times that they were exterminated.) 30:17

    2 Samuel

  • David tells one of his "young men" to kill the Amalekite messenger who claimed to have mercifully killed Saul at Saul's own request. 1:15

  • Joab and Abner watch as the young men "play" a cruel game. "And they caught every one his fellow by the head, and thrust his sword in his fellow side, so they fell down together." 2:14

  • Abner smites Asahel "under the fifth rib." 2:23
    (It seems that in 2 Samuel this is the preferred place to get smitten. 3:27, 4:6, 20:10)

  • When Joab (David's captain) kills Abner (by smiting him under the fifth rib of course), David says that he and his kingdom are not responsible. The blame, he says, lays with Joab. So David curses Joab, his family, and their descendants forever. Let them all be plagued with venereal diseases and leprosy, starve to death, commit suicide, or lean on staves. (The Revised Standard Version translates "leaneth on a staff" as "holds a spindle," apparently meaning effeminate -- real men don't spin or weave.) 3:27-29

  • Some of David's men kill Saul's son (by smiting him under the fifth rib, of course) and bring his head to David, thinking that he'll be pleased. But he wasn't. David has the assassins killed, their hands and feet chopped off, and their bodies hung up (for decorations?) over the pool in Hebron. 4:6-7

  • Whoever kills the lame and the blind will be David's "chief and captain." 5:8

  • "David ... grew great, and the LORD God of hosts was with him." 5:10

  • David asks God if he should kill some more Philistines. God says yes, and he'll even help. So David and God "smote the Philistines" again. 5:19, 25

  • "David smote them there, and said, The LORD hath broken forth upon mine enemies before me."
    God helps David slaughter his enemies. 5:20

  • "When thou hearest the sound of a going in the tops of the mulberry trees ... then shall the LORD go out before thee, to smite the host of the Philistines." 5:24

  • Uzzah tries to keep the ark from falling off the cart, and God kills him for it. I guess it was God's way of saying Thanks. 6:6-7

  • David kills two thirds of the Moabites and makes the rest slaves. He also cripples the captured horses. 8:2-4

  • "David slew of the Syrians two and twenty thousand men ... and the Lord preserved David withersoever he went." 8:5-6, 14

  • David tells Joab (his captain) to send Bathsheba's husband (Uriah) to "the forefront of the hottest battle ... that he may be smitten and die." In this way, David gets another wife. 11:15, 11:17, 11:27

  • To punish David for having Uriah killed, God kills Bathsheba's baby boy. 12:14-18

  • David saws, hacks, and burns to death all the inhabitants of several cities. Maybe this is what is meant by "the tender mercies of David" (Acts 13:34). 12:31

  • Absalom has his servants kill his brother for raping his sister. (This chapter, which includes incest, rape, murder, should be rated NC-17.) 13:28-29

  • Poor Absalom gets his head caught in an oak tree, and before he can get free, Joab thrusts three darts through his heart. 18:14

  • Amasa is viciously slaughtered by Joab, who "shed out his bowels to the ground ... And Amasa wallowed in blood in the midst of the highway." 20:10, 12

  • "And they cut off the head of Sheba ... and cast it out to Joab." 20:21-22

  • A famine is sent on David's kingdom for three years. When David asks God why, God answers: "It is for Saul, and his bloody house, because he slew the Gibeonites. "So God sent a famine to punish a kingdom for something that a former king had done. 21:1

  • To appease God and end the famine that was caused by his predecessor (Saul), David agrees to have seven of Saul's sons killed and hung up "unto the Lord." 21:6-9

  • "He teacheth my hands to war." Might as well learn from an expert. 22:35

  • "And the LORD wrought a great victory that day; and the people returned after him only to spoil." 23:10-12

  • "Thou hast also given me the necks of mine enemies." 22:41

  • The chief of David's captains killed with his own spear 800 guys at one time. 23:8

  • God offers David a choice of punishments for having conducted the census: 1) seven years of famine ( 1 Chr.21:1 says three years), 2) three months fleeing from enemies, or 3) three days of pestilence. David can't decide, so God chooses for him and sends a pestilence, killing 70,000 men (and probably around 200,000 women and children). 24:13

    1 Kings

  • In David's last words, he commands his son Solomon to murder Joab and Shimei. 2:1-9

  • Solomon has his brother (Adonijah) murdered. 2:24-25

  • Solomon carries out the deathbed instructions of his father David by having Joab murdered. 2:29-34

  • Solomon justifies the murder of Joab by saying that Joab also was a murderer, and that the blood of Joab's victims "shall therefore return upon the head of Joab, and upon the head of his seed for ever." 2:33

  • But Solomon is not done murdering yet. He has Shimei murdered -- or as Solomon put it, "The Lord shall return thy wickedness upon thine own head." 2:44, 46

  • When the ark of the covenant was brought into the temple, Solomon killed more animals than could be numbered. 8:5

  • When dedicating the temple, Solomon kills 22,000 oxen and 120,000 sheep. All this blood and gore must have made God very happy. 8:63

  • Joab (David's captain) spent six months killing every male in Edom. 11:16

  • King Josiah is prophesied to sacrifice the priests of the "high places" on their altars. And he does so in 2 Kg.23:20. Note that this is a guy who "did what was right in the eyes of the Lord" (2 Kg.22:2). 13:2

  • Ever the playful spirit, God withers, and then restores, the hand of king Jeroboam. 13:4

  • There were these two prophets. The first prophet lied to the second. To the punish the second for believing the first's lie, God sends a lion to kill him. Get it? 13:11-24

  • To punish Jeroboam, God killed his son. 14:8-17

  • God promises to "bring evil upon the house of Jerobaom," saying he will "cut off" anyone "that pisseth against the wall." Then, after he is done with them, their dead bodies will be eaten by dogs (if they are city dwellers) or fowls (if they are country folk). 14:10-12

  • Baasha kills "all of the house of Jeroboam" leaving none "to breath." This slaughter was done "according to the word of the Lord." 15:29

  • God says that "him that dieth of Baasha in the city shall the dogs eat; and him that dieth of his in the fields shall the fowls of the air eat." 16:4

  • Zimri kills everyone "that pisseth against a wall ... according to the word of the Lord." 16:11-12

  • "Zimri ... died ... doing evil in the sight of the LORD." 16:18-19

  • When Hiel rebuilds Jericho, he lays the foundation with the body of his oldest son and sets up the gates with his youngest son's body "according to the word of the Lord." 16:34

  • Elijah kills 450 prophets of Baal. 18:22, 40

  • God delivers the Syrians into the Israelites hands, and 100,000 were killed in one day. Of those that escaped, 27,000 were crushed by a falling wall. 20:28-30

  • There was this son of a prophet that said to his neighbor, "kill me." But the neighbor refused. So God sent a lion to devour him. 20:35

  • The prophet tells king Ahab that he, and his people, shall be punished for releasing Ben-hadad: "Your life shall go for his life, and your people for his people." 20:42

  • Although Naboth was set up here by Jezebel to steal his land, the text assumes that the proper punishment for "blaspheming God and the king" is death by stoning. 21:10-13

  • "Thus saith the Lord, in the place where dogs licked the blood of Naboth shall dogs lick thy blood, even thine." 21:19

  • God will "bring evil upon" Ahab and "cut off" all those "that pisseth against the wall." 21:21

  • Jezebel (Ahab's "strange" wife) "stirred up" Ahab to "work wickedness in the sight of the Lord." To punish her, God will feed her dead body to the dogs. (He also plans to feed the city folk to the dogs and country folks to the birds.) 21:23-25

  • "And the LORD said, Who shall persuade Ahab?"
    God asks for volunteer among the guys hanging out with him. He wants one of them to lie for him so that he can get Ahab kiiled. 22:19-22

  • Jehoshaphat "did that which was right in the eyes of the Lord" and "took" the homosexuals (sodomites) "out of the land," or as the RSV says, "he exterminated" them. 22:43, 46

    2 Kings

  • Ahaziah was sick and sent messengers to Baalzebub to ask if he would recover. God was jealous of the attention given to his competitor and tells Ahaziah that he will die for asking the wrong god. 1:4, 17

  • Elijah shows that he is "a man of God" by burning 102 men to death. 1:9-12

  • God sends two bears to rip up 42 little children for making fun of Elisha's bald head. 2:23-24

  • God instructs the Israelites, through the prophet Elisha, to implement a scorched earth policy on the Moabites. "Strike every fortified city and every choice city, and fell every good tree and stop all springs of water, and mar every good piece of land with stones." 3:19-25

  • In a desperate attempt to halt the slaughter of his people by the Israelites, the king of Moab sacrifices his oldest son as a burnt offering. And it seems to have worked! 3:27

  • Elisha not only can cure leprosy, he can also dish it out. Here he makes his servant (Gehazi) and all his descendants lepers forever. 5:27

  • "So we boiled my son, and did eat him." Women killed, boiled and ate their own children because of a plague that God sent, or as the Bible puts it: "Behold, this evil is of the Lord." 6:28-29, 33

  • A man is trampled to death for disbelieving Elisha. 7:17-20

  • God sends a famine on the people that lasts for seven years. 8:1

  • God says that the "whole house of Ahab shall perish," and that he "will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall." 9:8

  • "And the dogs shall eat Jezebel ... and there shall be none to bury her." 9:10

  • Jehu shoots an arrow right through poor old Jehoram's heart. 9:24

  • God has Jezebel thrown off a wall. Her blood is sprinkled on the wall and on the horses, by which she is trampled. Her body is eaten by dogs and all that remains of it is her hands, feet, and skull. God says that she "shall be as dung upon the face of the field." 9:33-37

  • All seventy of king Ahab's sons are killed, their heads put in baskets, and sent to Jezreel. He says, "Lay ye them in two heaps ..." 10:7-8

  • Jehu kills all that remained of king Ahab's family. 10:11

  • Jehu captures and then murders 42 men. 10:14

  • Jehu shows off his zeal for the Lord by murdering "all that remained unto Ahab in Samaria, till he had destroyed him according to the word of the Lord." 10:16-17

  • Jehu lied to the followers of Baal so that he could trap and kill them. 10:19

  • Jehu warns his guards saying, "If any of the men escape, he that letteth him go, his life shall be for the life of him." 10:24

  • Jehu, when he finishes his animal sacrifices, orders his men to "Go in, and slay them, let none come forth. And they smote them with the edge of the sword." 10:25

  • God is greatly pleased with all of Jehu's killings, saying "because thou hast done well in executing that which is right in mine eyes, and hast done unto the house of Ahab according to all that was in mine heart [Jehu murdered them all], thy children of the fourth generation shall sit on the throne of Israel." 10:30

  • Jehu captures and then murders 42 men. 10:42

  • When Athaliah "saw that her son was dead, she arose and destroyed all of the seed royal." 11:1

  • The priest has Athaliah and her followers killed. 11:15-16

  • The "Lord's people" destroyed the "house of Baal" and killed "the priest of Baal before the altars." 11:17-18

  • Amaziah "did that which was right in the sight of the Lord" and killed ten thousand Edomites. 14:3, 7

  • God strikes king Azariah with leprosy "unto the day of his death" for not removing the high places. 15:5

  • King Menahem rips up all the pregnant women in Tizzah "because they opened not to him." Does God approve of such acts? It's impossible to tell from this passage; the mass murder is simply reported without editorial comment. 15:16

  • God sent lions to devour the foreigners in Samaria because "they feared not the Lord," and even worse "they knew not the manner of the God of the land." Well that'll teach them about God's manners. 17:25-26

  • An "angel of the Lord" kills 185,000 men while they sleep. "And when they arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead corpses." I guess they all woke up and said, "Shucks, I'm dead." 19:35

  • Josiah, apparently with God's approval, kills "all the priests of the high places" and sacrifices them to God on their altars. Note that this is a guy who "did what was right in the eyes of the Lord" (2 Kg.22:2). 23:20

  • Even though Josiah did all that God asked of him, God still punished him and all Jerusalem for the acts of his grandfather. 23:26

    1 Chronicles

  • God killed Er for being "evil in the sight of the Lord." 2:3

  • The sons of Reuben made war with the Hagarites and "there fell down many slain, because the war was from God." They did pretty well for themselves, too, in God's war, taking 250,000 sheep and 100,000 slaves. 5:18-22

  • But the Israelites "transgressed against the God of their fathers, and went a whoring after the gods of the people of the land, whom God destroyed before them." So God inspired the Assyrians to go to war with the Israelites. 5:25-26

  • Saul died for refusing God's order to kill all of the Amalekites (15:2-3, 18-19) and for consulting a witch (1 Sam.28:8-19). 10:13-14

  • "David said, Whosoever smiteth the Jebusites first shall be chief and captain." 11:6

  • The chief of David's captains killed with his own spear 300 guys at one time. 11:11

  • Abishai killed 300 men with his spear. 11:20

  • "Benaiah ... slew two lionlike men of Moab: also he went down and slew a lion." 11:22

  • God kills Uzza for trying to keep the ark from falling. 13:9-10

  • "The LORD said unto him, Go up; for I will deliver them into thine hand."
    God tells David to go to war with the Philistines, promising to deliver them into his hand. 14:10

  • "God hath broken in upon mine enemies by mine hand."
    God helps David slaughter his enemies. 14:11

  • "David therefore did as God commanded him: and they smote the host of the Philistines." 14:16

  • "David also houghed all the chariot horses." 18:4

  • David kills 7000 men in chariots and 40,000 footmen. 19:18

  • David's army "wastes the children of Ammon ... besieged Rabbah ... and destroyed it." 20:1

  • David tortures all the inhabitants of several cities "with saws, and with harrows of iron, and with axes." 20:3

  • God killed 70,000 mean (and their families) in a plague to punish David for having a census that God (or Satan) inspired. 21:14

    2 Chronicles

  • "When Solomon had made an end of praying, the fire came down from heaven, and consumed the burnt offering and the sacrifices." 7:1

  • Solomon, when dedicating the temple, killed 22,000 oxen and 120,000 sheep. All the blood, guts, pain, and suffering must have made God very happy. 7:5

  • God kills the king of Israel and helps Abijah kill 500,000 Israelites. "The children of Judah prevailed, because they relied upon the Lord God of their fathers." (That is, they had God on their side.) 13:15-20

  • In the largest single God-assisted massacre in the bible, Asa, with God's help, kills one million Ethiopians. 14:8-14

  • "Nation was destroyed of nation, and city of city: for God did vex them with all adversity." 15:6

  • "And they offered unto the LORD ... seven hundred oxen and seven thousand sheep." 15:9

  • Whoever that does not seek the God of Israel should be executed. 15:13

  • Executing non-believers brings peace. 15:15

  • God inspired Jehoram's enemies to steal his wives and children. Then he made Jehoram so sick that his bowels fell out. 21:14-19

  • Only Levites can enter "the house of the Lord". "Whosoever else cometh into the house, he shall be put to death." 23:6-7

  • God told Jehu to kill everyone in the house of Ahab (and then later condemned him for it (Hosea 1:4)). 22:7-9

  • The priest (Jehoiada) tells the people to kill Athaliah and her followers. So they find her and kill her. "And all the people of the land rejoiced: and the city was quiet, after that they had slain Athaliah with the sword." (Don't you just love happy endings?) 23:14-15, 21

  • "Then all the people went to the house of Baal" and broke its altar into pieces and killed Mattan the priest of Baal. 23:17

  • Amaziah (who "did that which was right in the sight of the Lord") killed 10,000 people; another 10,000 he left alive to throw off a cliff "that they all were broken in pieces." 25:1-2, 11-12

  • God makes Uzziah a leper for burning incense without a license. 26:19-21

  • Pekah killed 120,000 people in one day and enslaves 200,000 women and children "because they had forsaken the Lord God of their fathers." 28:6, 8

  • The priests kill bullocks, rams, and lambs. The blood of the dead animals is then sprinkled on the altars. 29:22, 24

  • God sent an angel to kill the Assyrian army. (According to 2 Kg.19:35 the angel killed 185,000 sleeping soldiers who woke the next morning to discover that they were dead.) 32:21

  • God vows to "bring evil upon this place ... even all the curses that are written in the book." He says his "wrath shall be poured out upon this place, and shall not be quenched." 34:24-25, 28

  • God gets angry with his people, so he sends the king of the Chaldees to kill all the "young men with the sword." He has compassion for no one, not even old men that are "stooped for age." In his tender mercy and loving kindness he has them all slaughtered. 36:16-17

    Ezra (None)

    Nehemiah (None)

    Esther

  • Esther has two men "hanged on a tree." 2:22-23

  • Esther has another man (Haman) hung. 7:6, 10

  • "I have given Esther the house of Haman, and him they have hanged upon the gallows, because he laid his hand upon the Jews." 8:1, 7

  • At Esther's request, the king orders a preemptive strike on all 127 provinces from Egypt to Ethiopia. Everyone who planned to kill Jews shall be killed by Jews, along with their wives and children. And all this killing is to take place on a single day.
    (How are the Jews to figure out who planned to kill them and who didn't? Were they supposed to just kill them all and let God sort it out? And why did they need to kill the women and children?) 8:9-11

  • "Many of the people of the land became Jews; for the fear of the Jews fell upon them."
    God's favorite way of making converts: Convert or be killed! 8:17

  • "The Jews smote all their enemies with the stroke of the sword, and slaughter, and destruction, and did what they would unto those that hated them." 9:5

  • "In Shushan the palace the Jews slew and destroyed five hundred men." 9:6

  • "The ten sons of Haman the son of Hammedatha, the enemy of the Jews, slew they." 9:10

  • Esther asks the king to kill all those who planned to kill the Jews and hang the already dead bodies of Haman's ten sons on trees. 9:12-14

  • "The Jews ... slew three hundred men at Shushan." 9:15

  • "The other Jews ... slew of their foes seventy and five thousand." 9:16

    Job

  • To start off God and Satan's gruesome game, Job's slaves and animals are killed. 1:14-17

  • God (or Satan -- it's hard to tell them apart) sends a wind that kills Job's sons and daughters. 1:18-19

  • "So went Satan forth from the presence of the LORD, and smote Job with sore boils from the sole of his foot unto his crown." 2:7

  • Because of God's cruel wager with Satan, Job curses the day he was born. 3:1-3, 11

  • God terrorizes people with arrows and poison. 6:4

  • God terrifies people by sending them nightmares while they sleep. 7:14

  • Speaking of God, Job says: "He teareth me in his wrath, who hateth me: he gnasheth upon me with his teeth." 16:9

    Psalms

  • If you ask God, he'll force heathens to be your slaves and help you "dash them in pieces." 2:8-9

  • Kiss the Son or God will get angry and might have to kill you. 2:12

  • God has smitten his "enemies upon the cheek bone" and has "broken the teeth of the ungodly." 3:7

  • Christians often say that one should love the sinner but hate the sin. Perhaps, but God hates sinners and plans to destroy them. 5:5-6

  • God has prepared deadly weapons (swords, bows, etc.) and plans to use them. 7:11-13

  • If you pray to God, he will kill your enemies for you. 9:3-6

  • God will rain fire and brimstone on "wicked" folks. 11:6

  • The God of peace teaches us how to kill our neighbors in war. 18:34

  • If you make God angry, he'll burn you and your children to death. 21:9-10

  • God will shoot his adversaries in the back with his arrows. 21:12

  • A sweet prayer for the destruction of one's enemies: Let their way be dark and slippery: and let the angel of the LORD persecute them.... Let destruction come upon him at unawares." 35:6,8

  • God laughs at those that he will later torment. 37:13

  • If you forget God, God will tear you into pieces. 50:22

  • If you don't trust in God, he'll kill you and while you're dying the "righteous" will laugh at you. 52:5-7

  • Referring to his enemies, the psalmist says: "Let death seize upon them, and let them go down quick into hell." 55:15

  • The psalmist devoutly prays: "Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth ... let them be cut in pieces." 58:6-7

  • "The righteous" will rejoice when he sees "the wicked" being dismembered by God. He'll even get a chance to wash his feet in their blood. Now that's entertainment! 58:10

  • The psalmist asks God to kill all "the heathen" and not show them any mercy. 59:5

  • God will laugh at the heathen as he kills them. 59:8

  • "The God of mercy" will let the psalmist see his enemies tormented. 59:10

  • "Consume them in thy wrath, consume them." -- more sweet prayers to a savage god. 59:13

  • God will "wound the head of his enemies" so that the righteous can wash their feet "in the blood of thine enemies, and the tongue of thy dogs in the same." 68:21, 23

  • The psalmist prays that his enemies be tormented and blinded by God. He asks God to "make their loins continually to shake." 69:23-28

  • "They that are far from thee shall perish: thou hast destroyed all them that go a whoring from thee." 73:27

  • "The LORD heard this" (he had his hearing aid on) and became angry, and burned people "because they believed not in God." 78:21-22

  • "The wrath of God came upon them" and God killed many of the Israelites for not believing in "his wondrous works." 78:31-34

  • The psalmist asks God to " do unto them as unto the Midianites ... which became as dung for the earth." 83:9-18

  • If you don't follow God's commandments, he will beat you with a rod. 89:31-32

  • "A fire goeth before him, and burneth up his enemies round about." 97:3

  • "I will ... destroy all the wicked of the land." 101:8

  • God gives the lions their meat. The cruelty and brutality of nature are all part of God's plan. 104:21

  • The psalmist recounts God's treatment of the Egyptians: "He smote the firstborn in their land." See Ex.12:29-30 for the gory details. 105:29-36

  • God is praised for the creative ways that he kills people: drowning, earth-swallowing, burning, etc. 106:11-19

  • God sent a plague on the Israelites for "committing whoredom with the daughters of Moab." But "then stood up Phinehas, and executed judgment [by throwing a spear through a newly married couple]: and so the plague was stayed." But not before 24,000 (1 Cor.10:8 says 23,000) had died. (See Num.25:6-9 for all the gory details.) 106:29-30

  • The psalmist asks God to do all sorts of unpleasant things to his enemies. "Set thou a wicked man over him; and let Satan stand at his right hand .... Let his prayer become sin." He asks God to take away his possessions, kill him, and have his children suffer for the sins of their fathers. 109:6-14

  • God will "fill the places with dead bodies" of heathens. 110:6

  • God is praised for slaughtering kings, nations, and little babies. 135:8, 10

  • "To him that smote Egypt in their first born: for his mercy endures forever." 136:10

  • God "overthrew Pharaoh and his host in the Red sea: for his mercy endureth for ever." 136:15

  • God "smote great kings: for his mercy endureth for ever." 136:17-18

  • "Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones." 137:9

  • The psalmist excels at hating. He hates people with a "perfect hatred" and asks God to kill them. 139:19-22

  • A prayer that God will burn people to death. 140:10

  • The God of Peace teaches us to kill each other in war. 144:1

  • The saints praise God while they kill and enslave "the heathen." 149:5-8

    Proverbs

  • Beating your children with a rod is a sure sign of parental love. 13:24

  • God made bad people for the pleasure of punishing them. 16:4

  • Fools are meant to be beaten. 18:6

  • Beat your children and don't stop just because they cry. 19:18

  • Scorners (skeptics?) should be condemned; fools should be beaten. 19:29

  • "The blueness of a wound cleanseth away evil: so do stripes the inward parts of the belly." 20:30

  • "The wicked shall be a ransom for the righteous." 21:18

  • Beating your children will make them less foolish. Have you beaten your child today? 22:15

  • Beat your children hard and often. Don't worry about hurting them. You may break a few bones and cause some brain damage, but it isn't going to kill them. And even if they do die, they'll be better off. They'll thank you in heaven for beating the hell out of them. 23:13-14

  • Whip horses and strike the backs of foolish people with rods. 26:3

  • Beating your children will make them wise. 29:15

  • Beat your servants (slaves), as though they were your children. 29:19

  • If you mock your father or disobey your mother, the ravens will pick out your eyeballs and the eagles will eat them. 30:17

  • "The wringing of the nose bringeth forth blood." 30:33

    Ecclesiastes (None)

    Song of Solomon (None)

    Isaiah

  • "And ... instead of a sweet smell there shall be stink," with people suffering from baldness and burnings, and the men killed with swords. 3:24-25

  • After God "washed away the filth" from the women and killed the men, he set up "a cloud and smoke by day" and a "flaming fire by night." 4:4-5

  • God will kill those who despise his word and fail to follow his laws. Their carcasses will be "torn in the midst of the streets." 5:24-25

  • If you associate or gird yourself, God will break you in pieces. 8:9

  • God will have no mercy on the widows and children of hypocrites. 9:17

  • God will make every man kill his brother and then force him to eat "the flesh of his own arm." 9:19-20

  • God will "smite the earth with the rod of his mouth, and with the breath of his lips he shall slay the wicked." 11:4

  • "I have commanded my sanctified ones ... to destroy the whole land." God has his holy ones do his dirty work for him. 13:3-5

  • On God's day he will kill sinners with great anger, wrath, and cruelty. Those who die will have their faces consumed by flames. 13:6-9

  • If God can find you, he will "thrust you through," smash your children "to pieces" before your eyes, and rape your wife. He will have no mercy, but will even kill your little children. 13:15-18

  • God will slaughter children "for the iniquity of their fathers." 14:21

  • After God destroys Moab, the rivers will be red with blood. He will send lions to eat any survivors. 15:9

  • The God of Peace will set brother against brother and kingdom against kingdom. Then he'll make the survivors heed the counsel of "wizards," and subject them to a "cruel lord." 19:2-4

  • The Apocalypse of Isaiah: God will destroy the earth, burning everyone and every living thing alive (except maybe a few men). 24:1-6

  • "And the people shall ... be burned in the fire." 33:12

  • God is furious at everyone and is ready to kill them all. Or as Isaiah so delicately puts it: "Their stink shall come up out of their carcasses, and the mountains shall be melted with their blood." 34:2-3

  • God's sword "will be bathed in heaven." Sounds like a place to stay away from. 34:5

  • God's sword is "filled with blood," and he fully intends to use it. He'll kill so many people with it that the "land shall be soaked with blood." 34:6-8

  • An angel of God kills 185,000 men. "And when they [those killed by the angel?] arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead men." 37:36

  • God will "go forth as a mighty man" who cries and roars, and "will cry like a travailing woman." After he tires of roaring and crying he'll "destroy and devour." What a guy. 42:13

  • God makes Egypt, Ethiopia, and Seba pay for Israel's sins. He says that he likes Israel better than any other country so he's willing to sacrifice other countries for the Israel's sake. 43:3-4

  • No astrologer, stargazer, or prognosticator will be able to save those that God plans to burn to death. 47:13-14

  • God "will do his pleasure on Babylon." (He will mercilessly slaughter the Babylonians.) 48:14

  • "I will feed them that oppress thee with their own flesh; and they shall be drunken with their own blood, as with sweet wine." 49:26

  • "The heavens shall vanish away like smoke, and the earth shall wax old like a garment, and they that dwell therein shall die in like manner." (God plans to destroy the universe.) 51:6

  • "I will ... trample them in my fury; and their blood ... will stain all my raiment." (God's clothes will get stained with the blood of humans.) 63:2-6

  • "God's servants" will eat, drink, and be merry; everyone else will be hungry, thirsty, and ashamed -- until God kills them, that is. 65:13-16

  • God will "plead with all flesh" with fire and sword, "and the slain of the Lord shall be many." 66:16

  • The carcasses of those killed by God will be piled high. They will rot and burn forever. And although their stench will be revolting to humans, it will be a sweet savour unto the Lord. 66:24

    Jeremiah

  • God tries to "correct"  people by killing their children. 2:30

  • Circumcise the foreskin of your heart or God will burn you to death. 4:4

  • God will bring evil to entire cities, destroying them and wipe out all of their inhabitants. 4:6-7

  • What was once fruitful is now barren. Birds have fled, people are gone, towns are in ruins. All "by his (God's) fierce anger." 4:25-26

  • God sends plagues and violence to correct people. 5:3

  • God will send lions and leopards to tear people into little bitty pieces. 5:6

  • God will kill those who believe and preach the wrong doctrines. 5:12-13

  • God again talks of bringing a foreign nation to destroy his chosen ones and their lands. 5:15-17

  • "I am full of the fury of the Lord; I am weary of holding it in." He's anxious to "pour it out" on children, young men, husbands, wives, and old people. 6:11-12

  • God threatens to punish the men by taking away all of their property, including their wives, and giving them to others. 6:12

  • God plans to kill pretty much everyone: fathers and sons, family, friends, and neighbors. God plans to kill them all after laying a stumbling block before them. 6:21

  • God will send soldiers from the north that will kill everyone and have no mercy. 6:22-23

  • God will pour out his anger on both man and beast. Not even the trees will be spared from his wrath. And the ground itself will burn forever. 7:20

  • God will feed the people to the birds and the beasts, "and none shall fray them away."  7:33

  • God will cover the earth with dead bodies that will not be buried. "They shall be for dung upon the face of the earth." 8:2

  • People will choose to kill themselves, rather than be killed by their vicious God. 8:3

  • God will give the people bad food and water, and then kill them with a sword. 9:15-16

  • God will kill children and young men, and the dead bodies "shall fall as dung .... and none shall gather them." 9:21-22

  • "Behold, the days come, saith the LORD, that I will punish all them which are circumcised with the uncircumcised." I guess that'd include just about everyone -- well, all the men anyway. 9:25-26

  • Jeremiah prays for the destruction of people and families that don't call on God's name. 10:25

  • God "will bring evil upon" people from which they will not be able to escape. And if they cry out to him for help, he will not help them. 11:11

  • God forbids others from praying for his victims. Such prayers would go unanswered anyway, he says, because he "will not hear them in their time of trouble." 11:14

  • God will punish the people by killing their young men in war and starving their children to death. 11:22

  • Jeremiah asks God to drag away his enemies like "sheep for the slaughter."  12:3

  • God delivered his people "into the hand of her enemies." He "hates" his "dearly beloved" people and plans to feed them to the birds. 12:7-9

  • God's sword will "devour" everyone until "no flesh shall have peace." 12:12

  • If any nation does not listen to God, he "will utterly pluck up and destroy that nation." 12:17

  • God plans to make everyone in the kingdom drunk and then "dash the fathers and the sons together." The merciful God of Peace vows to "not pity, nor spare, nor have mercy, but destroy them." 13:13-14

  • God tells Jeremiah not to pray for the people. God has decided to kill them all and he doesn't want to be talked out of it. 14:11

  • God will ignore the peoples' prayers, and kill them all with war, starvation, and disease. 14:12

  • God will destroy by famine and sword those who are misled by the prophets, as well as the prophets themselves. 14:15-16

  • God tells Jeremiah not to bother praying for the people. Even if Moses and Samuel (and Jesus?) were to ask him to reconsider, he wouldn't. He's going to kill everybody and nobody can stop him! 15:1

  • God plans to do four things to his people: 1) kill them with swords, 2) tear their flesh with dogs, 3) have the birds, and 4) the beasts eat their bodies. Why will he do these terrible things? Because of something some former king did. 15:2-4

  • God again threatens Jerusalem with mass destruction. Here are some of the highlights: He will kill children, make more widows than there are grains of sand, terrorize cities, and then kill the survivors. 15:7-9

  • God will have you enslaved and, if you make him mad enough, he will burn you to death. 15:14

  • God tells Jeremiah not to get married or have children, because he's going to kill everyone (mothers and daughters, fathers and sons). They all "shall die of grievous deaths," and that shall neither "be lamented" nor buried, but "shall be as dung upon the face of the earth." For he has removed peace, "lovingkindness," and mercy from the people. 16:1-7

  • God will kill children if their parents worship other gods. 16:10-11

  • If you don't honor the Sabbath, God will burn you to death unquenchable fire. 17:27

  • God admits that he does evil things to people. 18:11

  • Jeremiah asks God to kill the young men in war and the children by starvation. 18:21

  • God will do so much evil to the people that whoever hears of it will have their ears tingle. 19:3

  • God will make parents eat their own children, "and they shall eat everyone the flesh of his friend." 19:7-9

  • God will break those who worship other gods as though they were made of clay, killing so many that there will not be enough room to bury them all. 19:11-13

  • "For thus saith the LORD, Behold, I will make thee a terror to thyself, and to all thy friends: and they shall fall by the sword of their enemies, and thine eyes shall behold it." 20:4

  • God himself will fight and kill everyone in fury "with an outstretched hand and with a strong arm." 21:5

  • "I will smite the inhabitants of this city, both man and beast: they shall die of a great pestilence." 21:6

  • God will deliver Zedekiah and those that survive the famine, disease, and war into Nebuchadrezzar's hand, and "he shall smite them with the edge of the sword; he shall not spare them, neither have pity, nor have mercy. 21:7

  • God tells the Judeans to either surrender to the Babylonians and become their slaves or die. "Behold, I am against thee." No kidding. 21:9-13

  • God will have Jeconiah's enemies kill him and his mother and then ensure that he die without leaving any sons. 22:25-30

  • God promises to kill everyone by war, starvation, and disease. 24:10

  • God will force "all the kingdoms of the world" to drink "and be drunken". Then he'll kill "all the inhabitants of the earth" with a sword. 25:26-29

  • God will kill so many people that the entire earth will be covered with their dead bodies. No one is to mourn them or even bury them; "they shall be dung upon the ground." 25:31-33

  • God will destroy "the peaceable habitations" and make the land desolate "because of his fierce anger." 25:37-38

  • Anyone who disobeys King Nebuchadnezzar will be punished "with the sword, and with the famine, and with the pestilence, until I have consumed them by his hand." 27:8

  • God kills Hananiah for prophesying falsely. 28:15-17

  • God will send his usual blessings upon his people: "the sword, the famine, and the pestilence." He "will make them like vile figs, that cannot be eaten, they are so evil." 29:17-18

  • God will kill those who refuse listen to his prophets. 29:19

  • God will deliver Ahab and Zedekiah into the hands of Nebuchadrezzar "and he shall slay them before your eyes" and Ahab will be "roasted in the fire." 29:21-22

  • God will punish the children of Shemaiah for their father's false prophecy. 29:32

  • God litters the ground "with the dead bodies of men" that he has killed in his anger and fury. 33:5

  • God threatens again to send his people the sword, pestilence, and famine, saying he'll feed their dead bodies to the fowls and beasts of the earth. 34:17-20

  • All those who move to Egypt will die by the sword, famine, or pestilence. None "shall escape from the evil" that comes directly from God. 42:15-18, 22

  • When God pours forth his fury and his anger, entire cities are destroyed. 44:6

  • God's not finished with Judah. He will bring more evil upon them. Even those Jews that flee to Egypt will not be spared. God will hunt them down and kill them all with war, famine, and disease. 44:11-13

  • "I will watch over them for evil, and not for good." 44:27

  • God says he will bring evil upon all flesh. 45:5

  • The day of the Lord will be "a day of vengeance." On that day God's sword will become drunk with blood. 46:10

  • God plans to drown the Philistines in a flood, and "all the men shall cry, and all the inhabitants of the land shall howl." 47:2

  • God plans to kill just about everybody. "No city shall escape." 48:8

  • "Cursed by he that keepeth back his sword from blood." 48:10

  • God will destroy everyone in Moab. Fire will burn their heads, and their sons and daughters will be taken captive. 48:42-47

  • God will cause the daughters of Rabbah to be burned with fire. 49:2

  • God will send such marvelous plagues on Edom that everyone will hiss in astonishment. 49:17

  • God plans to "bring evil upon" the people of Elam. He says he'll kill them all with a sword. 49:37

  • God says to do the usual thing to the inhabitants of "the land of Merathaim": kill them all. 50:21

  • God commands that all Babylonian bullocks be slaughtered, that archers shoot all Babylonians, and that all their men be killed in war. 50:27-30

  • God, the pyromaniac, will personally set the fires that will burn to death the inhabitants of entire cities. 50:32

  • God plans to kill all the Babylonian horses, and to make the Babylonian men "become like women." (A fate worse than death to a misogynous god.). 50:37

  • God wants us to be his "battle axe and weapons of war" to "break in pieces the nations" and "destroy kingdoms." 51:20

  • God will "break in pieces" nations and kingdoms, horse and rider, man and woman, old and young, young man and maid, the shepherd and his flock, husbandman and his yoke of oxen, captain and kings. It seems that God intends to break us all into pieces. 51:21-23

  • God will get the Babylonians drunk and then kill them all, leading them "like lambs to the slaughter." 51:39-40

    Lamentations

  • God tramples "as in a winepress" mighty men, young men, and virgins. 1:15-16

  • "The Lord Was an enemy." 2:4-8

  • God mercilessly kills everyone, young and old. He even causes women to eat their children. 2:20-22

  • God is like a bear or a lion who secretly pursues you and then tears you apart. 3:10-11

  • "Give them sorrow of heart, thy curse unto them. Persecute and destroy them in anger." 3:63-64

  • God punishes the Israelites by starving their children to death. 4:4-9

  • God "accomplishes his fury" by making women eat their children. 4:10-11

    Ezekiel

  • If a good person does something wrong after God "lays a stumbling block before him," then God will kill him. "He shall die in his sin" and whatever good he has done will be forgotten. 3:20

  • God will cause the fathers to eat their sons and the sons to eat their fathers. 5:10

  • God will slaughter everyone by killing one third with plagues, one third with famines, and one third with wars. If any somehow survive, he'll send "evil beasts" to devour them. Finally, after he's done killing, he "will be comforted." 5:11-17

  • God will decorate the land with the bones and dead bodies of those who worship a different god. 6:4-5

  • God makes his presence known by killing people with famine, disease, and war. 6:7-14

  • God will pour out his fury on everyone, with pity toward none. By so doing he says that "ye shall know that I am the Lord that smiteth." Indeed, who would else would behave so viciously? 7:3-9

  • God's is mad at everyone and no one will escape his wrath. He'll kill them all with war, disease, and starvation. "Horror shall cover them" and "they shall know that I am the Lord." 7:14-28

  • God promises again to slaughter everyone. He says that he will ignore them when they plead with him for mercy. 8:18

  • God sends a "man clothed with linen" to mark the foreheads of the men who will be saved. Apparently only men are considered good enough to keep, the others (unmarked men, "maids", little children, and women) are to be slaughtered. God says he'll "fill the courts with the slain" and will have pity on no one. 9:4-10

  • When you fall by the sword, you'll know that he is the Lord. 11:8-12

  • When God kills everyone in the city, then you'll know that he is the Lord. (Who else would be so cruel?) 12:15-16, 20

  • God gets mad at a wall and destroys it, along with those who worked on it. 13:14-15

  • God again vows to destroy those that dare worship something or someone other than him. 14:6-8

  • God deceives some of his prophets and then kills them for believing his lies. 14:9

  • When really bad things happen (like you get eaten by wild beasts, get killed in war, get sick and die, etc.), then you'll know that it was God that did it to you. 14:13, 15, 19, 21

  • God will burn the inhabitants of Jerusalem to show everyone that he is the Lord. 15:6-7

  • For being such a whore, God punished Jerusalem by starving the Israelites and handing them over to the Philistines. 16:17

  • After exposing her nakedness, God will give her "blood in fury and jealousy" and strip her naked once more. 16:38-41

  • God gave the Israelites "statutes that were not good and judgments whereby they should not live." He "polluted" them so that he "might make them desolate" and force them to kill and sacrifice their  children "that they might know" that he is the Lord. 20:25-26

  • God will set a fire in the southern kingdom that will devour everything and burn everyone. "And all flesh shall see that I the LORD have kindled it." 20:47-48

  • God will kill everyone -- good and bad, just and unjust. 21:3-4

  • God describes the various ways that he will kill people. 21:8-32

  • "Thou shalt be for fuel to the fire; thy blood shall be in the midst of the land ... for I the LORD have spoken it." 21:32

  • God will gather all of Israel and consume them in the fires of his anger. 22:20-22

  • God couldn't find anyone to stand up to him, so he's going to destroy everyone. 22:30-31

  • Two sisters were guilty of "committing whoredoms" by pressing their breasts and bruising "the teats of their virginity." As a punishment, one sister's nakedness was discovered, her children were taken from her, and she was killed by the sword. And the fate of the surviving sister was even worse: Her nose and ears were cut off, she was made to "pluck off" her own breasts, and then after being raped and mutilated, she is stoned to death. 23:1-49

  • "These discovered her nakedness: they took her sons and her daughters, and slew her with the sword." 23:10

  • "They shall take away thy nose and thine ears; and thy remnant shall fall by the sword: they shall take thy sons and thy daughters; and thy residue shall be devoured by the fire." 23:25

  • "I will deliver thee into the hand of them whom thou hatest ... And they shall deal with thee hatefully." 23:28-29

  • "Thou shalt ... pluck off thine own breasts: for I have spoken it, saith the Lord GOD." 23:34

  • "The company shall stone them with stones, and dispatch them with their swords; they shall slay their sons and their daughters, and burn up their houses with fire." 23:47

  • God gets all excited about cooking with "scum" and human flesh, saying "kindle the fire, consume the flesh, and spice it well, and let the bones be burned." 24:3-14

  • God kills Ezekiel's wife and then tells him not to mourn her. 24:15-18

  • God will kill everyone that claps his hands or stamps his feet "against the land of Israel." When he's done with the killing everyone will know that he is the Lord. 25:6-17

  • God says he will destroy Tyrus. He plans to kill everyone, but he is especially looking forward to killing all of the women. "And her daughters which are in the field shall be slain by the sword; and they shall know that I am the LORD." 26:1-21

  • Now God has singled out the king of Tyre for his tirades. 28:7-10, 18-19

  • Watch out or God will make you "die the deaths of the uncircumcised," which is, no doubt, a most unpleasant death. 28:10

  • God says that Zidon will know that he is the Lord when he sends "pestilence and blood into her streets." 28:22-23

  • God tells Ezekiel to prophesy against the pharaoh and against all Egypt. God says he will feed the Egyptians to the birds and beasts. 29:2-5

  • God makes "all their loins to be at a stand." When this is achieved, God will get out his sword and "cut off man and beast out of thee." Ouch! 29:7-9

  • God will punish Egypt and her allies by sending Nebuchadrezzar to "fill the land with the slain." Then he will make "the rivers dry," sell the land to "the wicked," make "the land waste," light fires, and kill all their young men with the sword. 30:4-26

  • "And they shall know that I am the LORD, when I have set a fire in Egypt." (The Divine Pyromaniac) 30:8, 30:14, 30:16

  • God will treat Pharaoh like a whale fished out of the sea. Every bird and beast in the world will feed upon him. 32:3-6

  • God will vex the hearts of many people, destroy entire nations, brandish his sword, kill animals, and cause floods. In this way people will come to know him (just before he kills them?). 32:9-15

  • God takes a break from killing people while he kills all the animals in Egypt. 32:13

  • Pharaoh and all his multitude, along with the uncircumcised, will be killed with the sword. 32:20-32

  • If a "righteous" person does something wrong, God will forget every good thing that that person has ever done. Then God will kill him for the single mistake. 33:13

  • God plans some more killing by the sword, beasts, and the pestilence. 33:27-29

  • God will kill everyone in the cities, "and thou shalt know that I am the LORD." 35:3-4

  • "And I will fill his mountains with his slain men, and ye shalt know that I am the LORD." 35:6-9

  • God will return their own anger and hatred upon them, "and they shall know that I am the LORD." 35:11-15

  • Someday the God of Peace will start a war between Gog and Israel. 38:16

  • God will cause each man's sword to be against his brother; he will send disease and make it rain fire and brimstone. He says that by doing this he'll magnify and sanctify himself and let everyone know that he is the Lord. 38:21-23

  • God will have birds and beasts eat human flesh and drink human blood until they are full and drunken. 39:4, 17-20, 28

  • God "will send a fire on Magog ... and the heathen shall know that I am the Lord." 39:6-7

  • God hid his face from the Israelites, refusing to hear their prayers, while giving "them into the hand of their enemies: so fell they all by the sword." 39:23-24

    Daniel

  • Nebuchadnezzar, after first trying to burn to death the three Hebrews, now decrees that everyone who says anything against the Hebrew god "shall be cut in pieces, and their houses shall be made a dunghill." 3:29

  • King Darius, after trying to feed Daniel to the lions, orders those who accused Daniel (and their wives and children) to be cast into the lion den. "And the lions ... brake all their bones in pieces." 6:24

    Hosea

  • God (or Hosea?) tells his children that their mother is a whore who is not his wife. He asks them to tell their mother to "put away her whoredoms" and "her adulteries from between her breasts" or he'll "strip her naked ... and slay her with thirst." 2:2-3

  • God will tear up Ephraim like a lion so that "in their affliction they will seek me." 5:14

  • "Woe unto them! for they have fled from me: destruction unto them!" 7:13

  • For ignoring God "their princes shall fall by the sword." 7:16

  • "I will send a fire upon his cities." 8:14

  • God will induce miscarriages and kill the children of Ephraim. 9:11-12

  • "O Lord: what wilt thou give? give them a miscarrying womb and dry breasts." 9:14

  • "I will slay even the beloved fruit of their womb." 9:16

  • God will punish Israel by "dashing" together mothers and their children. 10:14

  • The blame for Ephraim's bloody destruction falls on Ephraim, not on God. Even though God is the one who brings it about. 12:14

  • God will rip humans apart and then eat them like a lion.13:7-8

  • Because the Samaritans chose to worship another deity, God will dash their infants to pieces and their "women with child shall be ripped up." 13:16

    Joel

  • "A fire devoureth before them ... nothing shall escape."
    On "the day of the Lord", everything and everyone will be burned to death. 2:3

  • "Beat your plowshares into swords and your pruninghooks into spears." 3:10

    Amos

  • The divine pyromaniac threatens to "send fire unto" Hazael, Gaza, Tyrus, Teman, Rabbah, Moab, and Judah. 1:4, 7, 10, 12, 14; 2:2, 5

  • God will "slay all the princes" of Moab.2:3

  • God destroyed the Amorites who were a race of giants as tall as cedars and as strong as oaks. 2:9

  • God afflicts the Israelites with "cleanness of teeth" (famine) and drought. And then he wonders why they don't turn to him. 4:6-9

  • God sends the pestilence, kills young men with the sword, and makes the "stink of your camps to come up unto your nostrils." 4:10

  • "Prepare to meet thy God, O Israel."
    God promises to kill all the Israelites. 4:12

  • God tells the Israelites to seek him or he'll kill 90% of them. 5:3-4

  • Seek God or he'll burn you to death. 5:6

  • When there is wailing and mourning, you'll know God's been there. 5:16-17

  • God says, "If there remain ten men in one house, that they shall die." 6:9

  • "The LORD commandeth, and he will smite the great house with breaches, and the little house with clefts."
    (God will destroy people's houses.) 6:11

  • In the first of Amos' visions, God makes some grasshoppers and sends them to devour the peoples' crops. 7:1-2

  • Next God sends a fire that consumes both land and sea. 7:4

  • God will kill the house of Jeroboam with the sword, and force the Israelites into captivity. 7:9-11

  • Amos tells Amaziah that his wife will become a whore, his children will be killed, and he'll die in a pagan country. 7:17

  • God tells Amos that the end has come for the people of Israel. He won't wait any longer to kill them all. 8:2

  • God will kill so many people that dead bodies will lay everywhere. 8:3-14

  • God will "slay the last of them with the sword." Any that try to escape by diving to the bottom of the sea will be bitten, at God's command, by a serpent. God will set his "eyes upon them for evil, not for good." 9:1-4

  • God will destroy the "the sinful kingdom" and "all the sinners" among his people. 9:8-10

    Obadiah

  • The Israelites hear "a rumor from the Lord" telling them to start a war with the Edomites. 1, 8

  • God tells Israelites to "destroy the wise men out of Edom" and to slaughter "everyone of the mount of Esau." 8-9

  • God will burn all the heathen to death, "for the LORD hath spoken it." 16-18

    Jonah (None)

    Micah

  • God will destroy Samaria with stones. 1:6

  • Plucking off skin, flesh from bones, eating human flesh, flaying off skin, breaking bones, chopping bodies in pieces, making human stew. All this and more will happen to God's favorite people. But when they "cry unto the Lord, he will not hear them." 3:2-4

  • God will strengthen the Israelites so they can "beat in pieces many peoples" and give the booty to God. 4:13

  • "They shall waste the land of Assyria with the sword." 5:6

  • Like a young lion "the remnant of Jacob" will tear the Gentiles to pieces. 5:8

  • "Thine hand shall be lifted up upon thine adversaries, and all thine enemies shall be cut off." 5:9

  • God will "cut off" the witches and soothsayers. 5:11-12

  • God will destroy entire cities, and "execute vengeance in anger and fury upon the heathen such as they have not heard." 5:14-15

  • God will make his people sick, hungry, and desolate. Those who survive he will "give up to the sword." 6:13-16

  • The Gentiles will be made deaf, shall lick dust and be forced to crawl like worms from fear of God and his people. 7:16-17

    Nahum

  • God doesn't just get even. He drowns his enemies. 1:8

  • "Behold, I am against thee, saith the LORD of hosts, and I will burn her chariots." 2:13

  • "There is a multitude of slain, and a great number of carcasses; and there is none end of their corpses; they stumble upon their corpses." Now that's a lot of dead people. 3:3

  • God punished Nineveh by enslaving the people and smashing the little children in the streets. 3:10

  • God says that "the fire shall devour thee, the sword shall cut thee off, it shall eat thee up like the cankerworm." 3:15

    Habakkuk

  • "Before him [God] went the pestilence, and burning coals went forth at his feet." 3:3-5

  • Habakkuk praises God for slaughtering "the heathen." 3:12

    Zephaniah

  • God plans to kill every living thing. 1:2-3

  • God will "cut off" all those who "have not sought the Lord" or who worship another god. 1:4-6

  • God will "bring distress upon men" so that they "walk like blind men." He will pour out their blood like dust and "their flesh as dung." 1:17

  • God will kill all the inhabitants of the sea coast. 2:5

  • God will destroy Moab and Ammon just like he did to Sodom and Gomorrah. 2:9

  • God will be "terrible" to humans and will "famish all the gods." 2:11

  • God will kill the Ethiopians with his own sword. 2:12

  • God destroyed entire cities, killing all the inhabitants. 3:6

  • "All of the earth shall be devoured with the fire of my jealousy." 3:8

    Haggai

  • "I [God] will overthrow the chariots, and those that ride in them ... every one by the sword of his brother." 2:22

    Zechariah

  • "For I set all men every one against his neighbor." 8:10

  • God will cast out Tyrus and devour it with fire. 9:4

  • God will mercilessly "feed the flock of slaughter" by making every one kill his neighbor. 11:6

  • "Let the rest eat every one the flesh of another." 11:9

  • "Woe to the idle shepherd." He will be mutilated and blinded. 11:17

  • God will open his eyes and smite "every rider with madness ... and every horse ... with blindness." 12:4

  • A prophet must be killed by his own parents by "thrusting him through when he prophesieth." 13:3

  • God will make "all nations" fight against Jerusalem. The women will be "ravished" and half its people enslaved. 14:1-2

  • God will smite the people with plagues that will cause their flesh, eyes, and tongues to rot away. 14:12

  • God will make everyone fight and kill his neighbor. 14:13

  • God sends his plagues on animals too. 14:15

  • Whoever survives all these plagues and slaughters must worship God. 14:16

  • God will "smite the heathen" with a plague. 14:18

    Malachi

  • God continues to demand animal sacrifices. And not just any animals will do. He is insulted when blind, lame, or sick animals are killed for him. 1:8, 13-14

  • God will burn "the wicked" and the "righteous" will walk around on their ashes. 4:1-3

  • The Old Testament ends fittingly with these words: "lest I come and smite the earth with a curse." 4:6