Alma

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-Book of Alma

Absurdity in Alma

  1. And it came to pass

  2. Exceedingly

  3. Dwindling in unbelief

  4. Whosoever did not belong to the church of God began to persecute those that did belong to the church of God."
    Non-believers persecuted believers because the believers were just so darned humble. 1:19-20

  5. Those who didn't belong to the right church were lazy, wicked, babbling, idolatrous, proud people who were all a bunch of thieves and murderers. 1:32

  6. The Lord did hear their cries [he had his hearing aid on], ... and the Lamanites and Amlicites did fall before them. 2:28

  7. The Lamanites were naked, and their skins were dark because of a curse from God. 3:5-6

  8. God darkened the skin of the Lamanites (Native Americans) to keep them separate from the Nephites. 3:8

  9. Whoever "mingles his seed" with the Lamanites will be cursed by God and will "bring the same curse upon his seed." (Their children will have dark skins.) 3:9

  10. Whoever is led away by the Lamanites will have "a mark set upon him." (God will darken his skin?) 3:10

  11. God darkened the skin of the Lamanites (Native Americans) to forever separate them from the Nephites. 3:14

  12. Whoever "mingles his seed" with the Lamanites will be cursed by God. (They and their children will have dark skins.) 3:15

  13. "For I say unto you that whatsoever is good cometh from God, and whatsoever is evil cometh from the devil." 5:40

  14. If you are not a sheep of the good shepherd, the devil is your shepherd. 5:39

  15. I trust you are not in a state of unbelief. 7:6

  16. The bible is wrong about Jesus being born in Bethlehem (see Luke 2:4-7). He was (according to the Book of Mormon) born in Jerusalem. 7:10

  17. He who is filthy shall remain in his filthiness. 7:21

  18. Now the reckoning is thus -- a senine of gold, a seon of gold, a shum of gold, and a limnah of gold. A senum of silver, an amnor of silver, an ezrom of silver, and an onti of silver. A senum of silver was equal to a senine of gold ... ... Now an antion of gold is equal to three shiblons. 11:5-19

  19. Jesus is both the "Son of God" and "the very Eternal Father." 11:38-39

  20. "Alma cried unto the Lord, saying: O Lord our God, have mercy on this man, and heal him according to his faith which is in Christ. And when Alma had said these words, Zeezrom leaped upon his feet, and began to walk." 15:10-11

  21. The land was covered with many rotting dead bodies. It stunk so bad that the land wasn't occupied for many years. 16:11

  22. The fifth day of the second month of the eleventh year -- this useless (but biblical sounding) information is repeated twice in the same verse. 16:1

  23. Ammon carried the arms that he had cut off to show to the king. 17:39

  24. Wouldn't you just know it? The Lamanites (Native Americans) refer to God as "the Great Spirit." (18:2, 3, 4, 5, 11, 18, 26, 28) 18:2

  25. Ammon, being filled with the Spirit of God, brags a bit about killing people with his sling and chopping off arms. 18:16

  26. "Others say that he is dead and that he stinketh ... but as mor myself, to me he doth not stink." 19:5

  27. "The dark veil of unbelief" 19:6

  28. Wouldn't you just know it? The Lamanites (Native Americans) refer to God as "the Great Spirit." 19:25, 27, 25, 22:9-11

  29. The Lamanites that converted were called "Anti-Nephi-Lehies." Now that's a catchy name! 23:17

  30. God's curse of the Lamanites was lifted from the "Anti-Nephi-Lehies." So did their skin became "white and delightsome" again? 23:18

  31. The king named his son "Anti-Nephi-Lehi." 24:3

  32. Joseph Smith used "behold" 27 times in this chapter. This may be the most "beholds" in any chapter in literature. (The most it's ever used in the King James Version is 21 in Lev.13.) 26:1

  33. Korihor (who spoke the plain and simple truth) was the Anti-Christ. 30:12

  34. Alma refuses, saying that Korihor has signs enough. Others believe in God, so he should too. There is the bible, and the earth and its motions, and the planets. (Of course none of this is evidence for the existence of a God.) 30:44

  35. The Book of Mormon agrees with Archie Bunker, who said: "It ain't supposed to make sense; it's faith. Faith is something that you believe that nobody in his right mind would believe." 32:18

  36. The absurd story about the God's fiery serpents and the graven image snakebite cure (Numbers 21:6-8) is repeated here. 33:19

  37. When it comes to religion, Mormons believe in experimenting. Just believe and see what happens. If it feels good, believe it. 32:36, 34:4

  38. The magic ball, director, Liahona, or compass. This was the gadget that God gave Nephi for navigation. It worked "according to their faith in God." 37:38-40

  39. Alma tries (and fails) to explain how it is just for God to torment perople forever in hell. 42:1

  40. The Nephites were all "Christians", "true believers of Christ" -- 73 or so years before Christ was born, and well over 100 years before the Bible (Acts 11:26) claims the followers of Christ were first called "Christians". 46:13-16

  41. The Nephites were called "Christians" 70 years before Jesus was born. 48:10

  42. "God would prosper them in the land, or in other words, ... God ... would prosper them in the land." 48:15

  43. Amalickiah "was exceedingly wroth" and swore the he would drink Moroni's blood "because Moroni had kept the commandments of God." 49:27