Apocrypha: Injustice

    1 Machabees

  1. Mathathias showed his "zeal for the law" by murdering a man on the altar along with an officer of Antiochus. 2:24-25

  2. Before he dies, Mathathias praises some of the nastiest characters in the Bible: Abraham, Phineas, David, Joshua (Jesus) and Elijah (Elias). 2:52-58

  3. "Revenge ye the wrong of your people ... Render to the Gentiles their reward."
    Take revenge on the Gentiles. Kill them all. 2:67-68

  4. Judas Machabeus replaced his father (Mathathias) as the leader of the Jewish terrorists. His first act was to burn "them that troubled his people" (with fire). 3:1-5

  5. "He went through the cities of Juda, and destroyed the wicked out of them." 3:8

    2 Machabees

  6. Judas Machabeus assembles 6,000 men to kill Gentiles, with the help of God. 8:1-2

  7. Judas burned towns and cities, slaughtering the inhabitants. 8:6

  8. Judas reminds his soldiers that God killed hundreds of thousands of people in the past, and he could kill everyone on earth if he wanted to, so he'll be glad to kill thousands of people for them, too. 8:18-20

  9. God helped Judas kill more than nine thousand soldiers in Nicanor's army. 8:24

  10. "Moreover they slew above twenty thousand of them that were with Timotheus and Bacchides." 8:30

  11. "They slew also Philarches ... a wicked man." 8:32

  12. They burned to death Callisthenes since he was an impious man. (Impious men deserve to be burned to death.) 8:33

  13. "And indeed very justly, seeing he had tormented the bowels of others."
    (If you torment the bowels of others, God will torment your bowels as well.) 9:6

  14. After writing a boring letter to the Jews, Antiochus "died a miserable death" from his God-given bowel disease. 9:28

  15. Antiochus becomes a Jew and prays to God for mercy. But God ignored his prayers and killed him anyway. (See verse 28.) 9:13-17

  16. Some Gentiles escaped to two towers, and Simon's men let some of them escape. When Judas found out, he killed men who allowed the escape and killed more than 20,000 in the twin towers. 10:18-23

  17. Timotheus fled to a strong hold, where he and his companions "blasphemed exceedingly, and cast forth abominable words. Twenty of Judas's young men were especially offended by their bad language, so they burned the blasphemers alive. After that, they blessed the Lord who helped them burn Gentiles alive. 10:32-38

  18. The men of Joppe forced some Jewish women and children onto boats and then drowned them all. To pay them back, Judas burned the city and their boats, and killed those that escaped from the fire. 12:3-6

  19. Judas heard that the men of Jamnia were going to do like the Joppites did to the Jewish women and children, so he burned their city and ships, too. 12:8-9

  20. The inhabitants of the city of Casphin provoked Judas by blaspheming, so Judas "by the will of the Lord ... made an unspeakable slaughter," so that there was a river of blood six miles across. 12:13-16

  21. "Dositheus, and Sosipater, who were captains with Machabeus, slew them that were left by Timotheus in the hold, to the number of ten thousand men." 12:19

  22. Judas' enemies were struck with fear by the presence of God and started killing each other. Judas finished "the profane" survivors off by killing 30,000 with their own swords. 12:22-23

  23. God ("the King of Kings") inspired Antiochus and Lysias to kill Menelaus (the "sinner", "transgressor", and "sacrilegious wretch") by throwing him off a 75-foot tower. 13:4-8

  24. "So committing all to God ... having exhorted his people to fight manfully" using the watchword "the victory of God", Judas killed 4000 men and "the greatest of the elephants." "All this was done ... by the protection and help of the Lord." 13:14-17

  25. After Onias prayed for the people, Jeremiah the prophet showed up, delivering to Judas a gift from God: a holy, golden, gentile-killing sword. 15:12-16

  26. Judas reminds the people of how good God is at killing people. After all, didn't he send an angel to kill 185,000 sleeping soldiers? Maybe, if they ask him nicely, he'll send another "good angel" to terrorize and kill blasphemers again. 15:21-24


  27. "The Lord would bring upon us great evils ... that a man should eat the flesh of his own son, and the flesh of his own daughter." 2:2-3

  28. Because the Israelites didn't obeying him, God delivered them to their enemies' hand. 2:4-5

  29. Justice belongs to God, everyone else gets "confusion of face." 2:6

  30. God sends us evil, "for the Lord is just in all his works." 2:7-9

  31. "Thou hast sent out thy wrath, and thy indignation upon us." 2:20

  32. God commands the Israelites to serve the king of Babylon. 2:21

  33. Despite the prayers of dead people, God curses the living for the sins of their ancestors. 3:4-8

  34. Israel is defiled with the dead and damned to hell for forsaking the fountain of wisdom. If they would have obeyed God, they would have dwelt in peace forever. 3:10-13

  35. Princes that rule over beasts, play with birds, and hoard silver and gold, will be cut off and damned to hell. 3:10-13

  36. To punish the Jews for their sins, God enslaves them for seven generations in Babylon. 6:1-2


  37. "God hath done these things."
    The apocrypha to the rescue! The original (Hebrew) book of Esther was completely godless, so the genocides arranged by Esther and Mordecai (Mardochai in the Douay-Rheims) could not be attributed to God. But the first line of the apocryphal text takes care of that: "God hath done all these things." (Who else would be so damned nasty?) 10:4

  38. "The Lord remembered his people."
    (By having them murder thousands of people.) 10:10

  39. "The nation of the just ... cried to God ... and they devoured the glorious."
    "The nation of the just" is, of course, the Jews. They cry to God and God helps them kill everyone else. 11:9-11

  40. "What God would do?"
    (He would help the Jews kill non-Jews.) 11:12

  41. Esther calls upon God and God softens the king's heart (so that he'd murder thousands of non-Jews). 15:3-11

  42. The king decrees that Haman and his family shall hang; that everyone in the kingdom who wanted to kill the Jews shall be killed; that whoever refuses to kill the people that wanted to kill Jews will be killed by sword and fire; and that everyone will celebrate the killing of the wannabe Jew killers forever. 16:10-18


  43. "The Lord our God will require our blood of the afflictions of our enemies, and he will humble all the nations that shall rise up against us, and bring them to disgrace." 8:20

  44. "O Lord God of my father Simeon, who gavest him a sword to execute vengeance against strangers, who had defiled by their uncleanness, and uncovered the virgin unto confusion: And who gavest their wives to be made a prey, and their daughters into captivity ... who were zealous with thy zeal: assist ... me."
    God not only approved of the Shechem massacre, he gave Simeon the sword to do it with. Judith asks God to help her to go and do likewise. 9:2-3

  45. Judith prays that God will drown her enemies, like he did the Egyptians. 9:6-9

  46. "Give me constancy in my mind, that I may despise him ... For this will be a glorious monument for thy name, when he shall fall by the hand of a woman." 9:14-15

  47. Judith lies about her visit, saying she is leaving the Israelites, who will soon be destroyed by the Assyrians. She tells the Assyrian watchmen that she plans to meet with Holofernes to show him how to defeat the Israelites without losing a single Assyrian soldier. The watchmen are so taken by her beauty that they let her pass. 10:11-14

  48. Judith continues lying for the Lord, setting an example for believers everywhere. She tells Holofernes that God will use Nabuchodonosor to destroy the Israelites for their sins. 11:4-21

  49. Judith, with God's approval and assistance, decapitated Holfernes while he slept. 13:2-11

  50. Judith shows off the head of Holofernes, assuring everyone that no sex was involved in the performance of the murderous deed. 13:17-20

  51. "God ... hath cut off the head of all the unbelievers this night by my hand." 13:27-20

  52. The Assyrian army ran away after hearing about the headless Holfernes, and the Israelites (with God's help) slaughtered them as they ran, taking all their stuff and giving it to Judith -- the forever blessed, glory of Jerusalem and joy of Israel. (God gave Judith the strength to behead a sleeping man to reward her for not having sex after her husband died.) 15:1-15

  53. Judith sings a song of praise to herself for cutting off a sleeping man's head. 16:1-28


  54. Because of King Sennacherib's blasphemy, God slaughtered lots of Israelite. 1:21

  55. God blinded Tobias Sr. by having a swallow's nest fall on his eyes, as a Job-like example. 2:11-12

  56. Raguel gave Tobias Jr. his daughter, along with half of his slaves and other possessions. (As usual, slavery is accepted as normal without comment.)10:10

  57. God plans to kill everyone in the city of Niniveh. 14:6


  58. Torture and kill whoever claims to be the son of God. (Jesus got what he deserved according to the book of Wisdom.) 2:19-20

  59. Men who reject wisdom have foolish wives and wicked children. 3:11-13b
  60. The children of adulterers shall not come to perfection, and the seed of the unlawful bed shall be rooted out." 3:16
  61. "Dreadful are the ends of a wicked race." 3:19
  62. "But the multiplied brood of the wicked shall not thrive, and bastard slips shall not take deep root." 4:3
  63. "The children that are born of unlawful beds, are witnesses of wickedness against their parents in their trial." 4:6
  64. "The just that is dead, condemneth the wicked that are living." 4:16
  65. "The Lord shall laugh them [the unjust] to scorn." 4:18
  66. "Ye kings ... power is given you by the Lord." 6:2-4
  67. "Thou hast chosen me to be king." 9:7
  68. "She delivered the just man [Lot]" and killed everyone else with fire and brimstone. (Genesis 19:24) 10:6
  69. Instead of a fountain of an ever running river, thou gavest human blood to the unjust. (Exodus 17:17-24) 11:7
  70. God tormented the wicked adversaries of the Israelites, whether present or absent. 11:9-12
  71. God sent bears, lions, and unknown fire-breathing beasts, sending out stinking smoke or shooting sparks from their eyes. 11:16-20
  72. God torments people who have foolish religious beliefs. 12:23
  73. "That which is made, together with him that made it, shall suffer torments."
    God will somehow torment the art along with the artist. 14:10