Apocrypha / Deuterocanonical Books

2 Machabees (Douay-Reims Bible)

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15

Cruelty and Violence
Boring Stuff
Science and History
Good Stuff
Family Values

Dwindling in Unbelief


2 Machabees: Cruelty

  1. According to this (false) story, Antiochus and his men were smashed by stones, dismembered, and decaptitaed in the temple -- with God's help and approval, of course. 1:16-17

  2. "Andronicus ... the sacrilegious wretch should be put to death, the Lord repaying him his deserved punishment." 4:39

  3. "Lysimachus ... as for the sacrilegious fellow himself, they slew him beside the treasury." 4:41-42

  4. A mother and her seven sons are tortured to death for refusing to eat pork. The mother watches and encourages her sons to "die manfully" as, one by one, their flesh is ripped off and they are fried in the king's frying pan. Finally, the king finished the torture fest off with the mother.
    God enjoyed the tortured death of the seven sons just as much as their mother. After all, they deserved what they got. Still God will torment the tormentor (and all of his descendants) even more. 7:1-42

  5. Judas Machabeus assembles 6,000 men to kill Gentiles, with the help of God. 8:1-2

  6. Judas burned towns and cities, slaughtering the inhabitants. 8:6

  7. Judas reminds his soldiers that God killed hundreds of thousands of people in the past, and he could kill everyone on earth if he wanted to, so he'll be glad to kill thousands of people for them, too. 8:18-20

  8. God helped Judas kill more than nine thousand soldiers in Nicanor's army. 8:24

  9. "Moreover they slew above twenty thousand of them that were with Timotheus and Bacchides." 8:30

  10. "They slew also Philarches ... a wicked man." 8:32

  11. They burned to death Callisthenes since he was an impious man. (Impious men deserve to be burned to death.) 8:33

  12. Antiochus drives his chariot non-stop to Jerusalem. But before he gets there, God gives him "an incurable and invisible plague" that caused "a dreadful pain in his bowels ... and bitter torments of the inner parts." 9:1-5

  13. "And indeed very justly, seeing he had tormented the bowels of others."
    (If you torment the bowels of others, God will torment your bowels as well.) 9:6

    While Antiochus suffered from his God-given bowel disease, worms swarmed out of his body, "his flesh fell off, and the filthiness of his smell was noisome." No one could get near him because of the "intolerable stench." 9:9-12

  14. Antiochus becomes a Jew and prays to God for mercy. But God ignored his prayers and killed him anyway. (See verse 28.) 9:13-17

  15. Judas asked God to help him attack the Idumeans. And together, God and Judas killed more than 20,000. 10:16-17

  16. Some Gentiles escaped to two towers, and Simon's men let some of them escape. When Judas found out, he killed men who allowed the escape and killed more than 20,000 in the twin towers. 10:18-23

  17. Judas and his companions sprinkled dirt on their heads, gird their loins with haircloth, and begged God to help them kill some more Gentiles. 10:25-26

  18. When the Jews attacked the Gentiles they had God on their side. To prove it, God sent from heaven five men on horses, who cast darts and fireballs at the Gentiles, confounding them with blindness and filling them with trouble, and killing 20,500 soldiers and 600 horsemen. 10:28-31

  19. Timotheus fled to a strong hold, where he and his companions "blasphemed exceedingly, and cast forth abominable words. Twenty of Judas's young men were especially offended by their bad language, so they burned the blasphemers alive. After that, they blessed the Lord who helped them burn Gentiles alive. 10:32-38

  20. The Jews attacked like lions, killing 11,000 footmen and 1,600 horsemen. The Greek survivors ran away naked, including Lysias. 11:11-12

  21. The men of Joppe forced some Jewish women and children onto boats and then drowned them all. To pay them back, Judas burned the city and their boats, and killed those that escaped from the fire. 12:3-6

  22. Judas heard that the men of Jamnia were going to do like the Joppites did to the Jewish women and children, so he burned their city and ships, too. 12:8-9

  23. Judas and his armny were attacked by Arabians with 5000 footmen and 500 horsemen. But the Jews had God on their side so they got the victory. 12:10-11

  24. The inhabitants of the city of Casphin provoked Judas by blaspheming, so Judas "by the will of the Lord ... made an unspeakable slaughter," so that there was a river of blood six miles across. 12:13-16

  25. "Dositheus, and Sosipater, who were captains with Machabeus, slew them that were left by Timotheus in the hold, to the number of ten thousand men." 12:19

  26. Judas' enemies were struck with fear by the presence of God and started killing each other. Judas finished "the profane" survivors off by killing 30,000 with their own swords. 12:22-23

  27. "Then Judas went away to Carnion, where he slew five and twenty thousand persons." 12:26

  28. "When they had invocated the Almighty, who with his power breaketh the strength of the enemies, they took the city; and slew five and twenty thousand of them that were within." 12:28

  29. "Then beginning in his own language, and singing hymns with a loud voice, he put Gorgias' soldiers to flight." 12:37

  30. "They found under the coats of they slain some of the donaries of the idols of Jamnia, which the law forbiddeth to the Jews: so that all plainly saw, that for this cause they were slain." 12:40

  31. "The most valiant Judas exhorted the people to keep themselves from sin, forasmuch as they saw before their eyes what had happened, because of the sins of those that were slain." 12:42

  32. God ("the King of Kings") inspired Antiochus and Lysias to kill Menelaus (the "sinner", "transgressor", and "sacrilegious wretch") by throwing him off a 75-foot tower. 13:4-8

  33. "So committing all to God ... having exhorted his people to fight manfully" using the watchword "the victory of God", Judas killed 4000 men and "the greatest of the elephants." "All this was done ... by the protection and help of the Lord." 13:14-17

  34. After Onias prayed for the people, Jeremiah the prophet showed up, delivering to Judas a gift from God: a holy, golden, gentile-killing sword. 15:12-16

  35. Judas reminds the people of how good God is at killing people. After all, didn't he send an angel to kill 185,000 sleeping soldiers? Maybe, if they ask him nicely, he'll send another "good angel" to terrorize and kill blasphemers again. 15:21-24

  36. So the Jews prayed with their hearts and fought with their hands, killing 35,000, while "being greatly cheered with the presence of God." 15:26-27

  37. When the Jews found out that Nicanor had been killed, "they made a great noise and Blessed the Almighty Lord." 15:28-29

  38. Judas commanded that Nicanor's head and shoulder be cut off and carried to Jerusalem. 15:30

  39. Judas showed everyone Nicanor's head and "wicked hand." Then he had his tongue cut out and fed, piece by piece, to the birds. Finally, he hung his hand and head over the temple and castle, respectively, as "an evident and manifest sign of the help of God." 15:32-35