Absurdity
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-In the Old Testament
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-Behold I am against your pillows: Biblical Absurdities



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Absurdity in the Bible (Short List)

    Genesis

  1. The sons of God came in unto the daughters of men, and they bare children to them, the same became mighty men which were of old, men of renown. -- 6:4

  2. Let us build us a city and a tower, whose top may reach unto heaven.... And the LORD came down to see the city and the tower, which the children of men builded. And the LORD said, Behold, the people is one, and they have all one language; and this they begin to do: and now nothing will be restrained from them, which they have imagined to do. Go to, let us go down, and there confound their language, that they may not understand one another's speech. So the LORD scattered them abroad. -- 11:4-8

    Exodus

  3. And the LORD said unto him, What is that in thine hand? And he said, A rod. And he said, Cast it on the ground. And he cast it on the ground, and it became a serpent; and Moses fled from before it. -- 4:2-3

  4. And the LORD said unto Moses, Put forth thine hand, and take it by the tail. And he put forth his hand, and caught it, and it became a rod in his hand. -- 4:4

  5. And the LORD said furthermore unto him, Put now thine hand into thy bosom. And he [Moses] put his hand into his bosom: and when he took it out, behold, his hand was leprous as snow. And he said, Put thine hand into thy bosom again. And he put his hand into his bosom again; and plucked it out of his bosom, and, behold, it was turned again as his other flesh. -- 4:6

  6. The LORD met him, and sought to kill him. Then Zipporah took a sharp stone, and cut off the foreskin of her son, and cast it at his feet, and said, Surely a bloody husband art thou to me.--4:24-25

  7. And Aaron cast down his rod before Pharaoh ... and it became a serpent. Then Pharaoh also called the wise men and the sorcerers: now the magicians of Egypt, they also did in like manner with their enchantments. For they cast down every man his rod, and they became serpents: but Aaron's rod swallowed up their rods. -- 7:10-12

  8. Thus saith the LORD, In this thou shalt know that I am the LORD: behold, I will smite with the rod that is in mine hand upon the waters which are in the river, and they shall be turned to blood.... And Moses and Aaron did so, as the LORD commanded ... and all the waters that were in the river were turned to blood. And the fish that was in the river died; and the river stank ... and there was blood throughout all the land of Egypt. And the magicians of Egypt did so with their enchantments. -- 7:17-22

  9. I will smite all thy borders with frogs.... And the frogs shall come up both on thee.... And the LORD spake unto Moses, Say unto Aaron, Stretch forth thine hand with thy rod over the streams, over the rivers, and over the ponds, and cause frogs to come up upon the land of Egypt. And Aaron stretched out his hand over the waters of Egypt; and the frogs came up, and covered the land of Egypt. And the magicians did so with their enchantments, and brought up frogs upon the land of Egypt. -- 8:2-7

  10. And the magicians did so with their enchantments, and brought up frogs upon the land of Egypt.--8:7

  11. And the LORD said unto Moses, Say unto Aaron, Stretch out thy rod, and smite the dust of the land, that it may become lice throughout all the land of Egypt.... And the magicians did so with their enchantments ... but they could not: so there were lice upon man, and upon beast. Then the magicians said unto Pharaoh, This is the finger of God. -- 8:16-19

  12. I will send swarms of flies upon thee, and upon thy servants, and upon thy people, and into thy houses: and the houses of the Egyptians shall be full of swarms of flies ... that thou mayest know that I am the LORD.... And the LORD did so. -- 8:21-24

  13. And it came to pass, when Moses held up his hand, that Israel prevailed: and when he let down his hand, Amalek prevailed. But Moses hands were heavy; and they took a stone, and put it under him, and he sat thereon; and Aaron and Hur stayed up his hands. -- 17:11-12

  14. Neither shalt thou go up by steps unto mine altar, that thy nakedness be not discovered thereon. -- 20:26

  15. Thou shalt not revile the gods.--22:28

  16. Then shalt thou kill the ram, and take of his blood, and put it upon the tip of the right ear of Aaron, and upon the tip of the right ear of his sons, and upon the thumb of their right hand, and upon the great toe of their right foot, and sprinkle the blood upon the altar round about. -- 29:20

  17. And I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts: but my face shall not be seen. -- 33:23

  18. The LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God. -- 34:14

    Leviticus

  19. And Moses took of the blood of it, and put it upon the tip of Aaron's right ear, and upon the thumb of his right hand, and upon the great toe of his right foot.--8:24 14:14 14:17 14:25

  20. And the hare, because he cheweth the cud.--11:6

  21. And these are they which ye shall have in abomination among the fowls ... the bat--11:13, 19

  22. All fowls that creep, going upon all four, shall be an abomination unto you. -- 11:20

  23. Yet these may ye eat of every flying creeping thing that goeth upon all four, which have legs above their feet, to leap withal upon the earth.... But all other flying creeping things, which have four feet, shall be an abomination unto you.--11:21-23

  24. And if he that hath the issue spit upon him that is clean; then he shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even. -- 15:8

  25. And if any man's seed of copulation go out from him, then he shall wash all his flesh in water, and be unclean until the even. -- 15:16

  26. And every garment, and every skin, whereon is the seed of copulation, shall be washed with water, and be unclean until the even.--15:17

  27. Ye shall keep my statutes. Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou shalt not sow thy field with mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee. -- 19:19

  28. Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard. -- 19:27

  29. They shall not make baldness upon their head, neither shall they shave off the corner of their beard, nor make any cuttings in their flesh.--21:5

  30. For whatsoever man he be that hath a blemish, he shall not approach: a blind man, or a lame, or he that hath a flat nose, or any thing superfluous.--21:18

  31. And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying ... Whosoever ... hath any blemish, let him not approach to offer the bread of his God. .... a blind man, or a lame, or he that hath a flat nose, or any thing superfluous, Or a man that is brokenfooted, or brokenhanded, Or crookbackt, or a dwarf, or that hath a blemish in his eye, or be scurvy, or scabbed, or hath his stones broken ... he shall not ... come nigh unto the altar, because he hath a blemish; that he profane not my sanctuaries. -- 21:16-23

    Numbers

  32. And when the people complained, it displeased the LORD: and the LORD heard it; and his anger was kindled; and the fire of the LORD burnt among them, and consumed them .--11:1

  33. Ye shall not eat one day, nor two days, nor five days, neither ten days, nor twenty days; But even a whole month, until it come out at your nostrils, and it be loathsome unto you. -- 11:19-20

  34. And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died. -- 21:6

  35. And the LORD said unto Moses, Make thee a fiery serpent, and set it upon a pole: and it shall come to pass, that every one that is bitten, when he looketh upon it, shall live.--21:8

  36. And the LORD opened the mouth of the ass, and she said unto Balaam ... And Balaam said unto the ass ... And the ass said unto Balaam ....--22:28-30

    Deuteronomy

  37. Thou shalt be blessed above all people: there shall not be male or female barren among you, or among your cattle. And the LORD will take away from thee all sickness. -- 7:16

  38. Ye shall not eat of them that chew the cud, or of them that divide the cloven hoof; as the camel, and the hare, and the coney: for they chew the cud. -- 14:7

  39. Of all clean birds ye shall eat. But these are they of which ye shall not eat: ... the bat.--14:11, 18

  40. Thou shalt not plow with an ox and an ass together. -- 22:10

  41. Thou shalt not wear a garment of divers sorts, as of woollen and linen together. -- 22:11

  42. Thou shalt make thee fringes upon the four quarters of thy vesture, wherewith thou coverest thyself. -- 22:12

  43. He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD. -- 23:1

  44. A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to his tenth generation. -- 23:2

  45. If there be among you any man, that is not clean by reason of uncleanness that chanceth him by night, then shall he go abroad out of the camp, he shall not come within the camp.--23:10

  46. Thou shalt have a paddle upon thy weapon; and it shall be, when thou wilt ease thyself abroad, thou shalt dig therewith, and shalt turn back and cover that which cometh from thee. For the LORD thy God walketh in the midst of thy camp.--23:13-14

  47. When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets: Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her. -- 25:11-12

  48. Cursed shalt thou be when thou comest in, and cursed shalt thou be when thou goest out.--28:19

  49. The LORD will smite thee with the botch of Egypt, and with the emerods, and with the scab, and with the itch, whereof thou canst not be healed.--28:27

  50. And I have led you forty years in the wilderness: your clothes are not waxen old upon you, and thy shoe is not waxen old upon thy foot. -- 29:5

  51. Thine ox shall be slain before thine eyes, and thou shalt not eat thereof: thine ass shall be violently taken away from before thy face, and shall not be restored to thee.--28:31

    Joshua

  52. The LORD cast down great stones from heaven upon them ... and they died.--10:11

  53. Sun, stand thou still upon Gibeon; and thou, Moon, in the valley of Ajalon. And the sun stood still, and the moon stayed, until the people had avenged themselves upon their enemies. -- 10:12-13

  54. The LORD God of Israel fought for Israel.--10:42

    Judges

  55. Shamgar the son of Anath, which slew of the Philistines six hundred men with an ox goad. -- 3:31

  56. Blessed above women shall Jael the wife of Heber the Kenite be .... She put her hand to the nail, and her right hand to the workmen's hammer; and with the hammer she smote Sisera, she smote off his head, when she had pierced and stricken through his temples.--5:24-26

  57. And Gideon said unto God, If thou wilt save Israel by mine hand, as thou hast said, Behold, I will put a fleece of wool in the floor; and if the dew be on the fleece only, and it be dry upon all the earth beside, then shall I know that thou wilt save Israel by mine hand, as thou hast said. And it was so.... -- 6:36-38

  58. And Gideon said unto God, Let not thine anger be hot against me, and I will speak but this once: let me prove, I pray thee, but this once with the fleece; let it now be dry only upon the fleece, and upon all the ground let there be dew. And God did so. -- 6:39-40

  59. And the LORD said unto Gideon, The people are yet too many; bring them down unto the water.... So he brought down the people unto the water: and the LORD said unto Gideon, Every one that lappeth of the water with his tongue, as a dog lappeth, him shalt thou set by himself.... And the LORD said unto Gideon, By the three hundred men that lapped will I save you. -- 7:4-7

  60. Wine, which cheereth God and man. -- 9:13

  61. And the Spirit of the LORD came upon him, and he ... slew thirty men.--14:19

  62. And he found a new jawbone of an ass, and put forth his hand, and took it, and slew a thousand men therewith. And Samson said, With the jawbone of an ass, heaps upon heaps, with the jaw of an ass have I slain a thousand men.--14:15-16

  63. And Samson went and caught three hundred foxes, and took firebrands, and turned tail to tail, and put a firebrand in the midst between two tails. And when he had set the brands on fire, he let them go.--15:4-5

  64. God sent an evil spirit between Abimelech and the men of Shechem; and the men of Shechem dealt treacherously with Abimelech. -- 9:13

    1 Samuel

  65. Wherefore ye shall make images of your emerods, and images of your mice.--6:5

  66. The hand of the LORD was against the city ... and he smote the men of the city, both small and great, and they had emerods in their secret parts. -- 5:9

  67. But the Spirit of the LORD departed from Saul, and an evil spirit from the LORD troubled him. -- 16:14

  68. The evil spirit from God came upon Saul, and he prophesied. -- 18:10

  69. And Saul said, Thus shall ye say to David, The king desireth not any dowry, but an hundred foreskins of the Philistines.... And when his servants told David these words, it pleased David well.... Wherefore David ... slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king.... And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife. -- 18:25-27

  70. Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife.--18:27

    2 Samuel

  71. Then the earth shook and trembled; the foundations of heaven moved and shook, because he was wroth. There went up a smoke out of his nostrils, and fire out of his mouth devoured: coals were kindled by it. He bowed the heavens also, and came down; and darkness was under his feet. And he rode upon a cherub, and did fly: -- 22:8-11

    1 Kings

  72. And he had seven hundred wives, princesses, and three hundred concubines.--11:3

    2 Kings

  73. But as one was felling a beam, the axe head fell into the water: and he cried, and said, Alas, master! for it was borrowed. And the man of God [Elisha] said, Where fell it? And he shewed him the place. And he cut down a stick, and cast it in thither; and the iron did swim. -- 6:5-6

  74. The angel of the LORD went out, and smote in the camp of the Assyrians an hundred fourscore and five thousand: and when they arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead corpses.--19:35

  75. Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, Behold, I am bringing such evil upon Jerusalem and Judah, that whosoever heareth of it, both his ears shall tingle.--21:12

    Ezra

  76. And when I heard this thing, I rent my garment and my mantle, and plucked off the hair of my head and of my beard, and sat down astonished.--9:3

    Nehemiah

  77. And I contended with them, and cursed them, and smote certain of them, and plucked off their hair, and made them swear by God, saying, Ye shall not give your daughters unto their sons, nor take their daughters unto your sons, or for yourselves.--13:25:

    Job

  78. And the LORD said unto Satan, Whence comest thou? Then Satan answered the LORD, and said, From going to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down in it.--1:7

  79. His breasts are full of milk.--21:24

    Psalms

  80. There went up a smoke out of his nostrils, and fire out of his mouth.--18:8

  81. To him that smote Egypt in their firstborn: for his mercy endureth for ever.--136:10

    Proverbs

  82. Eat thou not the bread of him that hath an evil eye, neither desire thou his dainty meats.--23:6

    Isaiah

  83. The LORD shall hiss for the fly ... and for the bee.--7:18

  84. Go and loose the sackcloth from off thy loins, and put off thy shoe from thy foot. And he did so, walking naked and barefoot. And the LORD said, Like as my servant Isaiah hath walked naked and barefoot three years for a sign and wonder.... -- 20:2-3

  85. The Lord shave with a razor ... the head, and the hair of the feet.--7:20

  86. Then the angel of the LORD went forth, and smote in the camp of the Assyrians a hundred and fourscore and five thousand: and when they arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead corpses.--37:36

  87. They hatch cockatrice' eggs, and weave the spider's web: he that eateth of their eggs dieth, and that which is crushed breaketh out into a viper.--59:5

  88. Thou shalt also suck the milk of the Gentiles, and shalt suck the breast of kings.--60:16

    Jeremiah

  89. For, behold, I will send serpents, cockatrices, among you, which will not be charmed, and they shall bite you, saith the LORD.--8:17

  90. The prophets prophesy lies in my name.--14:14

  91. Thus saith the LORD of hosts, the God of Israel; Behold, I will bring evil upon this place, the which whosoever heareth, his ears shall tingle.--19:3

    Ezekiel

  92. And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man.--4:12

  93. Lo, I have given thee cow's dung for man's dung,and thou shalt prepare thy bread therewith.--4:15

    Hosea

  94. And the LORD said to Hosea, Go, take unto thee a wife of whoredoms and children of whoredoms.--1:2

    Amos

  95. The LORD stood upon a wall made by a plumbline, with a plumbline in his hand.--7:7

  96. I saw the LORD standing upon the altar: and he said ... I will slay the last of them with the sword.--9:1

  97. Though they be hid from my sight in the bottom of the sea, thence will I command the serpent, and he shall bite them.--9:3

    Micah

  98. Therefore I will wail and howl, I will go stripped and naked: I will make a wailing like the dragons, and mourning as the owls.--1:8

    Nahum

  99. And I will cast abominable filth upon thee, and make thee vile.--3:6

    Habakkuk

  100. God came from Teman .... He had horns coming out of his hand .... Before him went the pestilence, and burning coals went forth at his feet.--3:3-5

    Haggai

  101. The silver is mine, and the gold is mine, saith the LORD of hosts.--2:8

  102. If one bear holy flesh in the skirt of his garment, and with his skirt do touch bread, or pottage, or wine, or oil, or any meat, shall it be holy?--2:12

    Malachi

  103. Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces. -- 2:3

    Matthew

  104. If thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off, and cast them from thee .... And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire.--18:8-9

  105. For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.--19:12

    Mark

  106. When his friends heard of it, they went out to lay hold on him: for they said, He is beside himself.--3:21

  107. And he could there do no mighty work.--6:5

  108. And if thy foot offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter halt into life, than having two feet to be cast into hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched: Where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched..--9:45-46

  109. And these signs shall follow them that believe; In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues; They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover. -- 16:17-18

    Luke

  110. Behold, I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy: and nothing shall by any means hurt you.--10:19

    John

  111. All that ever came before me [Jesus] are thieves and robbers. -- 10:8

    Acts

  112. Many of them ... brought their books together, and burned them before all men.--19:19

    1 Corninthians

  113. If any man be ignorant, let him be ignorant.--14:38

    Colossians

  114. Beware lest any man spoil you through philosophy.--2:8

    Titus

  115. The Cretians are alway liars, evil beasts, slow bellies.--1:12

    Hebrews

  116. In the end of the world hath he appeared to put away sin by the sacrifice of himself.--9:26

    James

  117. For every kind of beasts, and of birds, and of serpents, and of things in the sea, is tamed, and hath been tamed of mankind.--3:7

    2 Peter

  118. The dumb ass speaking with man's voice forbad the madness of the prophet.--2:16

  119. Where is the promise of his coming? for since the fathers fell asleep, all things continue as they were from the beginning of the creation.--3:4

    1 John

  120. It is the last time: and as ye have heard that antichrist shall come, even now are there many antichrists; whereby we know that it is the last time.--2:18

  121. Who is a liar but he that denieth that Jesus is the Christ? He is antichrist, that denieth the Father and the Son.--2:22

  122. And every spirit that confesseth not that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh is not of God: and this is that spirit of antichrist, whereof ye have heard that it should come; and even now already is it in the world.--4:3

    2 John

  123. For many deceivers are entered into the world, who confess not that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh. This is a deceiver and an antichrist.--7

    Jude

  124. Michael the archangel, when contending with the devil he disputed about the body of Moses.--9

    Revelation

  125. These things saith the Son of God, who hath his eyes like unto a flame of fire, and his feet are like fine brass.--2:18

  126. These things saith he that hath the seven Spirits of God.--3:1

  127. I beheld, ... a Lamb as it had been slain, having seven horns and seven eyes, which are the seven Spirits of God.--5:6

  128. And they had tails like unto scorpions, and there were stings in their tails: and their power was to hurt men five months.--9:10

  129. And I took the little book out of the angel's hand, and ate it up; and it was in my mouth sweet as honey: and as soon as I had eaten it, my belly was bitter.--10:10

  130. And there was war in heaven: Michael and his angels fought against the dragon; and the dragon fought and his angels.--12:7

  131. And out of his mouth goeth a sharp sword, ... he treadeth the winepress of the fierceness and wrath of Almighty God.--19:15

  132. If any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues that are written in this book.--22:18

  133. And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life.--22:19