God creates light and separates light from darkness, and day from night, on the first day.
Yet he didn't make the light producing objects (the sun and the stars) until the fourth day
(1:14-19). 1:3-5
God spends one-sixth of his entire creative effort (the second day)
working on a solid firmament. This strange structure, which God calls heaven, is
intended to separate the higher waters from the lower waters. 1:6-8
Plants are made on the third day before there was a sun to drive their photosynthetic
processes (1:14-19). 1:11
In an apparent endorsement of astrology, God places the sun, moon, and stars in the firmament so that they can be used
"for signs". This, of course, is exactly what astrologers do: read "the signs" in the Zodiac in an effort to predict what
will happen on Earth. 1:14
"He made the stars also." God spends a day making light (before making the stars) and
separating light from darkness; then, at the end of a hard day's work, and almost as an
afterthought, he makes the trillions of stars. 1:16
"And God set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the
earth." 1:17
God commands us to "be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have
dominion over ... every living thing that moveth upon the earth." 1:28
"The tree of life ... and the tree of knowledge of good and evil."
God created two magic trees: the tree of life and the tree of knowledge. Eat from the the first, and you live forever
(3:22); eat from the second and you'll die the same day (2:17). (Or that's what God said, anyway.
Adam ate from the tree of knowledge and lived for another 930 years or so (5:5). But he never got a change to eat from
the tree of life. God prevented him from eating from the tree of life before Adam could eat from the tree, become a god, and live forever.)
2:9
God makes the animals and parades them before Adam to see if any would strike his
fancy. But none seem to have what it takes to please him. (Although he was tempted to go for
the sheep.) After making the animals, God has
Adam name them all. The naming of several million species must have kept Adam busy for a
while. 2:18-20
God walks and talks (to himself?) in the garden, and plays a little hide and seek with
Adam and Eve. 3:8-11
God curses the serpent. From now on the serpent will crawl on his belly and eat dust.
One wonders how he got around before -- by hopping on his tail, perhaps? But snakes don't
eat dust, do they? 3:14
God curses the ground and causes thorns and thistles
to grow. 3:17-18
God kills some animals and makes some skin coats for Adam and Eve.
3:21
God expels Adam and Eve from the garden before they get a chance to eat from that other tree -- the tree of life.
God knows that if they do that, they well become "like one of us" and live forever. 3:22-24
Cain is worried after killing Abel and says, "Every one who finds me shall slay me." This
is a strange concern since there were only two other humans alive at the time -- his parents!
4:14
"And Cain went out from the presence of the LORD." 4:16
"And Cain knew his wife." That's nice, but where the hell
did she come from? 4:17
Lamech kills a man and claims that since Cain's murderer would be punished
sevenfold, whoever murders him will be punished seventy-seven fold. That sounds fair. 4:23-24
"And to Seth ... was born a son." Where'd he find his wife? 4:26
God created a man and a woman, and he "called their name Adam." So the woman's
name was Adam, too! 5:2
Enoch doesn't die he just ascends into heaven. 5:21-24
When Lamech was born, nine generations were alive at once. Adam, Seth, Enos, Cainan, Mahalaleel, Jared, Enoch, Methuselah, and Lamech were all alive at
the time of Lamech's birth. Adam lived to see his great-great-great-great-great-great-grandson. 5:25
When Noah was 500 years old, he had three sons. [Three sons in one year? Was that with one (nameless) wife or
several?] 5:32
The "sons of God" copulated with the "daughters of
men," and had sons who became "the mighty men of old, men of
renown." 6:2-4
"The LORD said, My spirit shall not always strive with man, for that he also is flesh."
God shortened the human lifespan to 120 years because humans are "flesh" and he was tired of fighting with them. 6:3
"There were giants in the earth in those days." 6:4
God decides to kill all living things because the human imagination is evil.
Later (8:21), after he kills everything, he promises never to do it again because the human
imagination is evil. Go figure. 6:5
Noah is called a "just man and perfect," but
he didn't seem so perfect when he was drunk and naked in front of his sons (9:20-21). 6:9,
7:1
God was angry because "the earth was filled with violence." So he killed every living thing to make the
world less violent. 6:11-13
Noah is told to make an ark that is 450 feet long. 6:14-15
God tells Noah to make one small window (18 inches square) in the 450
foot ark for ventilation. 6:16
"And take thou unto thee of all food that is eaten ... for thee, and for them." 6:21
Whether by twos or by sevens, Noah takes male and female representatives from each
species of "every thing that creepeth upon the earth." 7:8
God opens the "windows of heaven." He does this every time it rains. 7:11
All of the animals boarded the ark "in the selfsame day." 7:13-14
"And God remembered Noah."
Yeah. He probably said something like, "Isn't Noah the guy who built the ark?" 8:1
"The windows of heaven were stopped, and the rain from heaven was restrained." This
happens whenever it stops raining. 8:2
Noah sends a dove out to see if there was any dry land. But the dove returns without
finding any. Then, just seven days later, the dove goes out again and returns with an olive leaf.
But how could an olive tree survive the flood? And if any seeds happened to survive, they
certainly wouldn't germinate and grow leaves within a seven day period. 8:8-11
Noah kills the "clean beasts" and burns their dead bodies for God. According to 7:8
this would have caused the extinction of all "clean" animals since only two of each were taken
onto the ark. "And the Lord smelled a sweet savor." After this God "said in his heart" that he'd
never do it again because "man's heart is evil from his youth." So God killed all living things
(6:5) because humans are evil, and then promises not to do it again
(8:21) because humans are
evil. The mind of God is a frightening thing. 8:20-21
According to this verse, all animals fear humans. Although it is true that many do, it is also
true that some do not. Sharks and grizzly bears, for example, are generally much
less afraid of us than we are of them. 9:2
"Into your hand are they (the animals) delivered." God gave the animals to humans, and they can do whatever
they please with them. This verse has been used by bible believers to justify all kinds of cruelty to
animals and environmental destruction. 9:2
God is rightly filled with remorse for having
killed his creatures. He makes a deal with the animals, promising never to drown
them all again. He even puts the rainbow in the sky so that whenever he sees it,
it will remind him of his promise so that he won't be tempted to do it again.
(Every time God sees the rainbow he says to himself: "Oh, yeah.... That's right.
I promised not to drown the animals again. I guess I'll have to find something
else to do."). 9:9-13
The entire tenth chapter is the first of many boring genealogies
(see 1 Chr.1-9,
Mt.1:1-17, Lk.3:23-28 for
other examples) that we are told to avoid in 1 Tim.1:4
and Tit.3:9
("Avoid foolish questions and genealogies.") 10:1-32
God worries that the people will succeed in building a tower high enough to reach him (them?) in heaven, and that by
so doing they will become omnipotent. 11:4-6
God says, "Let us go down ..." Maybe he hasn't been talking to himself; maybe
there is more than one of them up there. Well, however many there may be,
they all decide to come down to confuse the builders by confounding human language and
scattering them [humans] abroad. 11:7
Another boring genealogy that we are told to avoid in
1 Tim.1:4 and Tit.3:9. ("Avoid foolish questions and
genealogies.") Also note the ridiculously long lives of the patriarchs. 11:10-32
The Amalekites were smitten before Amalek (from whom they descended) was born.
Amalek was the grandson of Esau (Gen.36:12). 14:7
Abraham laughs at God for telling him that he and Sarah will have a child, when they are 100 and 90 years old, respectively.
17:17
Abraham circumcises himself and all of the males in his household. Since he supposedly
had 318 slaves back in 14:14, poor old Abe must have been pretty busy
with his knife. But it was worth it. Penises are supremely important to God. And he can't stand foreskins.
17:23-24
"He took butter, and milk, and the calf ... and they did eat."
Not a very kosher meal for God and Abraham to eat! (See Exodus 23:19) 18:8
Sarah, who is about 90 years old and has gone through menopause, laughs at God
when he tells her that she will have a son. She asks God if she will "have pleasure" with her
"Lord" [Abraham], when both are so very old. God assures her that he will return and
impregnate her at the appointed time. 18:11-14
God, who is planning another mass murder, is worried that Abraham might try to stop
him. so he asks himself if he should hide his intentions from Abraham.
18:17
"I will not destroy it for ten's sake."
I guess God couldn't find even ten good Sodomites because he decides to kill them all in Genesis 19.
Too bad Abraham didn't ask God about the children. Why not save them? If Abraham could find 10 good children, toddlers, infants, or babies, would
God spare the city? Apparently not. God doesn't give a damn about children. 18:32
"And the Lord went his way." Now where might that be? 18:33
The two angels that visit Lot wash their feet, eat, and are sexually irresistible to Sodomites.
19:1-5
Lot [the just and righteous (2 Pet.2:7-8)]
offers his daughters to a crowd of angel rapers. 19:8
Lot lied about his daughters being "virgins" in 19:8. But it was a "just and
righteous" lie, intended to make them more attractive to the sex-crazed mob. 19:14
Lot's nameless wife looks back, and God
turns her into a pillar of salt. 19:26
Lot and his daughters camp out in a cave for a while. The daughters get their "just
and righteous" father drunk, and have sexual intercourse with him, and each conceives and
bears a son (wouldn't you know it!). Just another wholesome family values Bible story.
19:30-38
Honest Abe does the same "she's my sister" routine again, for the same cowardly reason.
And once again, the king just couldn't resist Sarah -- even though by now she is over 90 years
old. (See Gen.12:13-20 for the first, nearly identical, episode.)
20:2
"The Lord visited Sarah" and he "did unto Sarah as he had spoken." And "Sarah
conceived and bare Abraham a son." (God-assisted conceptions never result in daughters.) 21:1-2
These verses suggest that Ishmael was an infant when his father abandoned him, yet
according to Gen.17:25 and Gen.21:5-8
he must have been about 16 years old. It must have
been tough for poor Hagar to carry Ishmael on her shoulder and to then "cast him
under one of the shrubs." 21:14-18
Abraham names the place where he nearly kills Isaac after Jehovah. But according to
Exodus 6:3, Abraham couldn't have known that God's name was Jehovah.
22:14
Abraham needed God's help to father Isaac when he was 100 years old
(Gen.21:1-2,
Rom.4:19, Heb.11:12).
But here, when he is even older, he manages to have six more children
without any help from God. 25:2
"She was barren."
In the Bible it's always the woman that are "barren", never the men. And when God "opens their womb," the resulting babies are always little
boys. 25:21-26
Esau and Jacob were already fighting each other in the womb. 25:22
Esau sold his birthright to Jacob for a bit of bread and a bowl of lentil soup. 25:33-34
Isaac uses the same "she's my sister" lie that his father used so effectively on the same king Abimelech.
(see Gen.12:13, 20:2).
26:7
Jacob names Bethel for the first time, before
meeting Rachel. Later in 35:15, just before Rachel dies, he
names Bethel again. (And it was called Bethel long before it was named Bethel in 12:8 and
13:3.) 28:19
Jacob is tricked by Laban, the father of Rachel and Leah. Jacob asks for Rachel so
that he can "go in unto her." But Laban gives him Leah instead, and Jacob "went in unto her
[Leah]" by mistake. Jacob was fooled until morning -- apparently he didn't know who he was
going in unto. Finally they worked things out and Jacob got to "go in unto" Rachel, too.
29:21-30
"And Jacob went in unto her. And Bilhah conceived, and bare Jacob a son." (These
arrangements never seem to produce daughters.) 30:4
Leah, not to be outdone, gives Jacob her maid (Zilpah) "to wife." And Zilpah "bare
Jacob a son." 30:9
Rachel trades her husband's favors for some mandrakes. And so, when Jacob cam
home, Leah said: "Thou must come in unto me, for surely I have hired thee with my son's
mandrakes. And he lay with her that night." Presumably God, by telling us this edifying story, is
teaching us something about sexual ethics. 30:15-16
And finally, "God remembered Rachel ... and opened her womb. And she conceived
and bare a son [surprise, surprise]." 30:22
Laban learns "by experience" that God has blessed him for Jacob's sake. "By experience"
means "by divination", at least that is how
most other versions translate this verse.
30:27
Jacob displays his (and God's) knowledge of biology by having goats copulate while
looking at streaked rods. The result is streaked baby goats. 30:37-39
God (or an angel) praises Jacob for his fancy genetic work in Gen.30:37-39.
31:11-12
Jacob wrestles with god and wins. God changes Jacob's name to Israel to signify
that he wrestled with God and "prevailed." 32:24-30
Unable to beat Jacob in a fair fight, God dislocates Jacob's leg. 32:25
God begs Jacobs to let him go, but Jacob says, "Not unless you bless me." So God blessed Jacob and Jacob let God go.
32:26-29
"What is thy name?" (God didn't know Jacob's name.) 32:27
God renames Jacob for the first time. God says that Jacob will henceforth be called Israel, but the Bible continues to call him Jacob anyway.
And even God himself calls him Jacob in 46:2. 32:28
"Tell me, I pray thee, thy name."
God refuses to tell Jacob his name. (It's a secret.) 32:29
"Therefore the children of Israel eat not of the sinew ...."
Jews don't eat the sinew of something or other because God messed with Jacob's leg while wrestling with him. (Now that's a good reason!)
32:32
Chapter 36 presents another boring genealogy that we are told to avoid in
1 Tim.1:4 and Tit.3:9 ("Avoid foolish
questions and genealogies.") 36:1-43
Amalek was born many years after his descendants were "smitten." (Gen.14:7)
36:12
Tamar (the widow of Er and Onan, who were killed by God) dresses up as a
prostitute and Judah (her father-in-law) propositions her, saying: "Let me come in unto thee ....
And he ... came in unto her, and she conceived by him." From this incestuous union, twins
(38:27-28) were born (both were boys of course). One of these was Pharez -- an ancestor of
Jesus (Lk.3:33). 38:13-18
"He washed his garments in wine ... His eyes shall be red with wine."
Did Judah really wash his clothes in wine? Were his eyes bloodshot from drinking too much? Or is this a prophecy of Jesus?
(I didn't know Jesus had a drinking problem.) 49:11-12
The Israelite population went from 70 (or 75) to several million in a few hundred years. 1:5,7,
12:37, 38:26
The birth story of Moses is suspiciously similar to that of the birth of Sargon, an
Akkadian monarch from the 3rd millennium BCE.
(BBC: The tale of the
basket) 2:3
God, disguised as a burning bush, has a long heart-to-heart talk with Moses. 3:4 - 4:17
God shows Moses some tricks that he says are sure to impress. First, throw your rod on the
ground; it will become a snake. Then grab the snake by the tail and it will become a rod again. Next,
make your hand appear leprous, and then cure it. And finally, pour water on the
ground and it will turn into blood. (That ought to do it!) 4:2-9
God decides to kill Moses because his son had not yet been circumcised. Luckily for
Moses, his Egyptian wife Zipporah "took a sharp stone, and cut off the foreskin of her son,
and cast it at his feet, and said, Surely a bloody husband art thou to me. So he [God] let him
go." This story shows the importance of penises to God, and his hatred of foreskins.
4:24-26
God says that Abraham didn't know that his name was Jehovah. Yet in Gen.22:14 Abraham names the
place where he nearly kills Isaac after God's name, Jehovah. 6:3
Lehi, Kohath, and Amram join the long
list of biblical characters with ridiculously long lives (137, 133, and 137 years, respectively).
6:16, 18, 20
In complaining about his difficulty with public speaking, Moses says,
"Behold I am of uncircumcised lips." 6:12, 6:30
God tells Moses and Aaron that when Pharaoh asks for a miracle just throw your rod down and it will become a serpent.
So when the time comes, Moses throws down his rod and it becomes a serpent. But the Egyptian magicians duplicate this trick.
Luckily, for Aaron, his snake swallows theirs. (Whew!) 7:9-13
After the rod to serpent trick, God tells Moses and Aaron to smite the river and turn it into blood. This is the first of the
famous 10 plagues of Egypt. Unfortunately, the magicians know this trick too, and they do so with their enchantments. Shucks!
Just how the river could be turned to blood by the Egyptian sorcerers after it had been turned to blood by Moses and Aaron is not
explained. 7:17-24
The second plague is frogs. Frogs covered the land. They were all over the beds and filled the ovens. But the Egyptian
magicians did this trick too. (Did they wait until the frogs cleared out from the last performance before doing it again?) After the
frog making contest was declared a draw, all the frogs died and "they gathered them together upon heaps; and the land stank." I
bet. But at least it was all for the greater glory of God. 8:2-7
Plague #3 is lice in man and beast. This is the first trick that the magicians couldn't do. After this the magicians were
convinced that Moses and Aaron's plagues were done by "the finger of God," and they gave up trying to match the remaining
seven plagues. I guess lice are harder to make than frogs. 8:17-19
The fourth plague is swarms of flies, continuing the frogs and lice theme. 8:21
The fifth plague: all cattle in Egypt die. 9:6 But a
little later (9:19-20, 12:29), God
kills them again a couple more times.
The sixth plague: boils and blains upon man and beast.9:9-12
Why does God send plagues? So that people can get to know him better. 9:14
The seventh plague is hail. "And the hail smote throughout the land of Egypt all that was in the field, both man and
beast." 9:22-25
Eighth plague: locusts that are so thick that they "covered the face of the whole earth." (Even over Antarctica?)
10:4-5
Ninth plague: three days of darkness. The darkness was so this that the Egyptians couldn't even see each other. But the
darkness knew how to avoid the Israelites, and so "all the children of Israel had light
in their dwellings." 10:21-23
God tells the Israelites to smear some blood on their doors. That way when he's going around killing Egyptian
children, he'll remember not to kill their children too. He probably said to himself when he saw the blood, "Oh yeah, I
remember now. I not supposed to kill the children in this house." 12:7, 13
The Egyptians chased after the Israelites with "all Pharaoh's horses." But according to Ex.9:3-6
God travels in a cloud by day and a fire by night. 13:21
there wouldn't have been any horses, since God killed them all in "a very grievous murrain." 14:23
God removes the wheels from the Egyptians' chariots. 14:25
God divided the sea with a "blast of [his] nostrils." 15:8
If you do what God says, he won't send his diseases on you (like he did to the Egyptians).
But otherwise.... 15:26
Moses casts a tree into the water and makes the bitter water taste sweet. 15:25
It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time,
would have taken no more than ten days. 16:35
God stands on a rock and tells Moses to hit the rock. Then water comes out of it for the people
to drink. God's such a clever guy! 17:6
As long as Moses the magician keeps his hand up, the Israelites are successful in battle, but the second his hand falls,
they start getting beat. So when Moses' arm gets tired, Aaron props it up so that the Amalekites get slaughtered.
17:11-12
"The Lord has sworn [God swears!] that the Lord will have war with Amalek from generation to generation." So God
is still fighting Amalek. I hope Moses can still keep his hand up. 17:14-16
A magical trumpet played loud while God came down in smoke, fire, and earthquakes onto Mt. Sinai. 19:16-18
Like the great and powerful Wizard of Oz, nobody can see God and live. 19:21
God tells the priests not to go up the steps to the altar "that thy nakedness not be discovered thereon." (Skirts on
stairs are a problem.) 20:26
If an ox gores someone, "then the ox shall surely be stoned."
21:28
If an ox gores someone due to the negligence of its owner,
then "the ox shall be stoned, and his owner shall be put to death.".
21:29
"Thou shalt not seethe a kid in a kid in his mother's milk." 23:19
God has hornets that bite and kill people.23:27-28
Aaron must wear a bell whenever he enters "the holy place" or God will kill him. 28:34-35
God gives instructions for making priestly breeches. "And thou shalt make them linen breeches to cover their nakedness;
from the loins even unto the thighs shall they reach." 28:42
Priest must wear holy breeches or die!
"They shall be upon Aaron, and upon his sons, when they come in unto the tabernacle ... or ... die." 28:43
God instructs the priests to burn the dung of bullocks outside the camp as a sin offering. 29:14
God tells Moses to kill a ram and put the blood on the tip of Aaron's right ear, and on his right thumb, and on his right
big toe, and then sprinkle the blood around the altar. Finally, sprinkle some on Aaron and his sons and on their garments. This
will make them "hallowed." 29:20-21
God tells Aaron and his sons to take the rump, fat, caul, kidneys, and right shoulder of the ram and add a loaf of bread
or two, and a wafer of unleavened bread. Then they put the whole mess in the hands of Aaron and his sons and they wave them
before the Lord. This is a wave offering. 29:22-24
Wash up or die. This is a good verse to use when reminding the kiddies to wash their hands before supper.
30:20
Whoever puts holy oil on a stranger shall be "cut off from his people." 30:33
And whoever uses God's favorite perfume will be exiled. 30:37-38
Aaron makes a golden calf and tells the people to take off their clothes and dance around naked. God then
punishes them mercilessly for following their divinely appointed religious leader. Ex.32:1-35
Moses talks God out of killing all the Israelites. 32:11-13
"And the Lord repented of the evil which he though to do unto his people." But how could a good God even consider doing
evil to anyone? 32:14
Aaron makes the people take off all their clothes and dance naked around his golden calf.
32:25
Although God is too shy to let Moses see his face, he does permit a peek at his "back parts." (The divine mooning)
33:23
God gives detailed instructions for performing ritualistic animal sacrifices. such bloody rituals
must be important to God, judging from the number of times that he repeats their instructions.
Indeed the entire first nine chapters of Leviticus can be summarized as follows: Get an animal,
kill it, sprinkle the blood around, cut the dead animal into pieces, and burn it for a "sweet savor
unto the Lord." Chapters 1 - 9
"It is a thing most holy of the offerings of the LORD made by fire." 2:10
When you are making your animal sacrifices, be sure to remember that "all the fat is the
Lord's." God loves blood and guts, but most especially fat. And he doesn't like to share!
3:16
"If a soul shall sin through ignorance...." But how can someone "sin through
ignorance?" Don't your have to at least know that an act is wrong before it can be sinful?
4:2, 13, 22,
27
"The priest shall dip his finger in the blood and sprinkle the blood seven times before the
Lord." 4:6, 4:17
If you touch any unclean thing (like a dead cow or a bug) or the "uncleanness of man" (?),
then you'll be both unclean and guilty. 5:2-3
"If a soul ... sin through ignorance...." 5:15, 17
Whatever touches the dead body of a burnt offering becomes holy.
6:25-27
Be careful what you eat during these animal sacrifices. Don't eat fat or blood -- these
are for God. (And he doesn't like to share!) 7:18-27
God gives instructions for "wave offerings" and "heave offerings." He says these
offerings are to be made perpetually "by a statute for ever." Have you made your heave offering
today? 7:30-36
Moses dresses up his brother Aaron with "the curious girdle of the ephod."
8:7-8
Moses does it all for God. First he kills an animal; wipes the blood on Aaron's ears,
thumbs, and big toes. Then he sprinkles blood round about and waves the guts before the Lord.
Finally he burns the whole mess for "a sweet savour before the Lord."
8:14-32
Kill the calf, dip your finger in the blood, sprinkle the blood round about,
burn the fat and entrails, and wave the breast for a wave offering before the Lord.
9:8-21
God sent a fire to burn the dead animals and all the people "shouted and fell on
their faces." 9:24
God commands the Israelites to keep doing these wave and heave offerings "by a statute
forever." 10:15
Clams, oysters, crabs, lobsters, and shrimp are abominations to God.
11:10-12
Be sure to watch out for those "other flying creeping things which have four feet." (I wish
God wouldn't get so technical!) I guess he must mean four-legged insects. You'd think that since
God made the insects, and so many of them (at least several million species), that he would know
how many legs they have! 11:23
If your hair has fallen out, you are bald, yet clean. And if
your hair falls out from the part of your head toward your face, you are forehead bald, yet clean.
13:40-41
"The swine ... is unclean to you. Of their flesh shall ye not eat, and their carcase shall ye not
touch." 11:7-8
"Every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth shall be an abomination."
11:41
"Whatsoever goeth upon the belly, and whatsoever goeth upon all four, or
whatsoever hath more feet ... are an abomination." 11:42
"Ye shall not make yourselves abominable with any creeping thing that creepeth." 11:43
God's law for lepers: Get two birds. Kill one. Dip the live bird in the blood of the
dead one. Sprinkle the blood on the leper seven times, and then let the blood-soaked bird fly off.
Next find a lamb and kill it. Wipe some of its blood on the patient's right ear, thumb, and big toe.
Sprinkle seven times with oil and wipe some of the oil on his right ear, thumb and big toe.
Repeat. Finally kill a couple doves and offer one for a sin offering and the other for a burnt
offering. 14:2-52
Long, tiresome, and disgusting instructions regarding the treatment of men who have a
"running issue" out of their "flesh." Very enlightening. "And if he that hath the issue spit upon him
that is clean ..." 15:2-15
This passage tells you what to do if you get your "seed of copulation" on yourself,
your clothes, or your partner. Thank God this is in the Bible. 15:16-18, 32
God explains the use of scapegoats. It goes like this: Get two goats. Kill one. Wipe,
smear, and sprinkle the blood around seven times. Then take the other goat, give it the sins of all
the people, and send it off into the wilderness. 16:6-28
Sprinkle the blood and burn the fat for a sweet savour unto the Lord. 17:6
Don't "uncover the nakedness" of any of your relatives or neighbors. Just ask them
to keep their clothes on while you are around. 18:6-18, 20
"Also thou shalt not approach unto a woman to uncover her nakedness, as long as she is
apart for her uncleanness," Don't even look at a menstruating woman.
18:19
"Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou shalt not sow thy field with a
mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woolen come upon thee." 19:19
God tells the Israelites that the fruit from fruit trees is "uncircumcised" for three years
after the trees are planted. 19:23
Don't eat anything with blood, don't round the corners of your head, mar the corners
of your beard, make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, or print any marks on you.
19:26-28
Stay away from wizards and people with familiar spirits. 19:31
If you "lie" with your wife and your mother-in-law (now that sounds fun!), then all three
of your must be burned to death. 20:14
Priests must not "make baldness upon their head, neither shall they shave off the corner of
their beard." 21:5
The high priest shall not "go in to any dead body, nor defile himself for his father, or for
his mother." 21:11
Handicapped people cannot approach the altar of God. They would "profane" it.
21:16-23
Anyone with a "flat nose, or any thing superfluous" must stay away from the altar of God.
21:18
A man with damaged testicles must not "come nigh to offer the bread of his God."
21:20
A man who is unclean, or is a leper, or has a "running issue", or "whose seed goeth from
him", or who touches any dead or "creeping thing" ... "shall not eat of the holy things, until he be
clean." 22:3-5
God gives us more instructions on killing and burning animals. I guess the first nine
chapters of Leviticus wasn't enough. He says we must do this because he really likes the smell
-- it is "a sweet savour unto the Lord." 23:12-14, 18
God will make it so that 100 Israelites can defeat an army of 10,000. 26:8
God describes the torments that he has planned for those who displease him. The usual
stuff: plagues, burning fevers that will consume the eyes, etc. but he reserves the worst for the
little children. He says "ye shall sow your seed in vain, for your enemies shall eat it," "I will send
wild beasts among you, which shall rob you of your children," and "ye shall eat the flesh of your
sons and daughters." But if you humble your uncircumcised heart, God won't do all these
nasty things to you. It's your choice. 26:16-41
The Israelite population went from seventy (Ex.1:5) to
several million (over 600,000 adult males) in 400 years. 1:45-46,
26:51
The Law of Jealousies. If a man suspects his wife of being unfaithful, he reports it to the priest. The priest then
makes her drink some "bitter water." If she is guilty, the water makes her thigh rot and her belly swell. If innocent, no harm
done -- the woman is free and will "conceive seed." In any case, "the man shall be guiltless from iniquity, and this woman shall
bear her iniquity." 5:11-31
"And when the people complained, it displeased the Lord: and the Lord heard it." (He had his hearing aid on.) He then
burned the complainers alive. That'll teach them. 11:1
The people begin to whine about not having any meat. So God says he'll
give them meat, alright. He'll give them "flesh to eat," not for just a few days, but "for a whole
month, until it come out of [their] nostrils, and it be loathsome to [them]." Yuck.
11:4, 19-20
"As a nursing father beareth the suckling child...." 11:12
God promises to give them "flesh to eat," not for just a few days, but "for a whole month, until it come out of your
nostrils, and it be loathsome to you." Yuck. 11:20
God sends quails to feed his people until they were "two cubits [about a meter] high upon the face of the earth." Taking
the "face of the earth" to be a circle with a radius of say 30 kilometers (an approximate day's journey), this would amount to 3
trillion (3x1012) liters of quails. At 2 quails per liter, this would provide a couple million quails for each of several million
people. 11:31
"Now the man Moses was very meek, above all the men which were upon the face of the earth." This is a strange way
to describe on of the cruelest men to have ever lived (If he ever did live, which he probably didn't). Moses, as he is described
in the Bible, is anything but meek (See Num.31:14-18 for an example of his "meekness").
12:3
"If there be a prophet among you, I the LORD will ... speak unto him in a dream." Now
there's a reliable way to communicate with someone! 12:6
"And the Lord said unto Moses, If her father had but spit in her face,
should she not be ashamed seven days? 12:14
"And there we saw the giants
... And we were in our own sight as grasshoppers, and so we were in their
sight." This statement may have been figurative, hyperbole, typical biblical
exaggeration, or an actual description of the sons of Anak, in which case they must have been
about 100 meters tall. These are the same giants (the Nephilium) that resulted
when the "sons of God" mated with "the daughters of men in
Gen.6:4 Of course, these superhuman god-men should have been
destroyed in the flood. So what are they doing still alive? 13:33
It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time,
would have taken no more than ten days. 14:33, 32:13
God gives more instructions for the ritualistic killing of animals. The smell of burning flesh is "a sweet savour
unto the Lord." 15:3, 13-14, 24
"If any soul sin through ignorance ..." but how can someone sin through ignorance? Don't you have to know that an
action is wrong for it to be sinful? Oh well, if you do happen to sin through ignorance, you can be forgiven by God if you kill
some animals. 15:27-30
Immediately after ordering the execution of the sabbath breaker, God gets down to some more important business
-- like instructing the people on how to make fringes on their garments. 15:38-39
Aaron is getting better at his magic tricks. He has rod bud, bloom, and yield almonds.
17:8
Stay away from holy things and places -- like churches. God might have to kill you if you get
too close.18:3, 22, 32
God describes once again the procedure for ritualistic animal sacrifices. such rituals must be extremely important to
God, since he makes their performance a "statute" and "covenant" forever. Why, then don't Bible-believers perform these
sacrifices anymore? Don't they realize how God must miss the "sweet savour" of burning flesh? Don't they believe God when
he says "forever"? 18:17-19
The purification of the unclean. These absurd rituals, cruel sacrifices, and unjust
punishments are vitally important to God. They are to be "a perpetual statute" for all humankind.
19:1-22
The Red Heifer. Some fundamentalists believe
that when a red heifer is born, Armageddon will soon follow. Well, a red heifer was born in March 2002 and has
been declared ritually acceptable by the rabbis. So in a few years it can be sacrificed, ushering in, so they
say, the end of the world. You can read all about it
here in the National Review.
19:2
God give instructions for burning the "dung" of sacrificial animals. This is something that everyone needs to know about
(that's why it's in the Bible!). 19:5
Moses is punished for hitting the rock with his staff (like he did before
in Ex.17:6) to get water, rather than just speaking to the rock (as
God asked him to do this time). For messing up the magic trick, Moses will never get to the
promised land. 20:8-12
Moses hits a rock with his rod and Presto! -- water comes out. 20:11
God sends "fiery serpents" to bite his chosen people, and many of them die.
21:6
To save the people from God's snakes, Moses makes a graven image in the form of a snake (breaking the second
commandment) and puts it on a pole. Those who look at Moses' magic snake to not die -- even if they were previously bit by
God's snakes. 21:8
"The Book of the wars of the Lord" (One of the lost books of the Bible) 21:14
God asks Balaam the non-rhetorical question, "What men are these with thee?" 22:9
God says to Balaam, "If men come to call thee, rise up, and go with them." Men come, and Balaam goes with them,
just as cog had commanded." And God's anger was kindled because he went" -- but he was just following God's instructions!
22:20-22
Balaam has a nice little chat with his ass. 22:28-30
God meets Balaam and "put a word in his mouth." 23:15-16
God has "the strength of a unicorn." Oh heck, I bet he's even stronger than a unicorn. 23:22
Balaam says "his king shall be higher than Agag." But Balaam couldn't have known about Agag since Agag didn't live
until the time of King Saul. (See 1Sam.15:33 where Samuel hacks king Agag into pieces.)
24:7
God, who is as strong as a unicorn, will eat up the nations, break their bones, and then pierce them through with his
arrows. What a guy! 24:8
In these chapters, God provides ridiculously detailed instructions for the ritualistic sacrifice of animals. The burning of
their dead bodies smells great to God. Eleven times in these two chapters God says that they are to him a "sweet savour."
28-29
It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time,
would have taken no more than ten days. 2:7, 8:2,
29:5
God gave the Moabites and the Ammonites special protection since they were the descendents of Lot's drunken,
incestuous affair with his daughters (Gen.19:30-38). 2:9, 19
"A land of giants: giants dwelt therein in old time."
(They must have been much more common back then.) 2:10-11,
20-21
Og, the king of the giants, was a tall man, even by NBA standards. His bed measured 9 by 4 cubits (13.5 feet long and
6 feet wide). 3:11
When going to war, don't be afraid. God is on your side; "he shall fight for you."
3:22
"Ye shall not add unto the word which I command you neither shall ye diminish ought from it." This verse is one of
those that prevent Bible-believers from cleaning up the Bible. So they're stuck with the unedited version.
4:2
God's favorite people will never be infertile (neither will their cows!) and will never get sick. (God will send
infertility and diseases on the other guys.) 7:14-15
God will send hornets to kill your enemies, "for the Lord thy God is among you,
a mighty God and terrible." 7:20-23
Here is some good advice from God: "Circumcise the foreskin of your heart."
10:16
After God instructs the Israelites to mercilessly slaughter all the strangers that they encounter
(Dt.7:2, 16), he tells them to "love ye therefore
the stranger: for ye were strangers in the land of Egypt." 10:19
God says that we shouldn't add to, or take away from, any of his commands. Why then don't modern
Bible-believers stone to death blasphemers, Sabbath breakers, and disobedient sons? 12:32
Don't "make any baldness between your eyes for the dead." 14:1
This verse mistakenly says that the hare chews its cud. 14:7-8
Don't eat any seafood unless it has fins and scales. Oysters, clams, crabs, and lobsters are "unclean" and shouldn't
be eaten. 14:10
To the biblical God, a bat is just an another unclean bird. 14:11, 18
Don't eat any dead animals that you find lying around. But it's okay to give it to strangers or sell it to foreigners. And don't boil a kid
(young goat) is its mother's milk. 14:21
Don't sacrifice any animal with a blemish to God -- he is very picky! 17:1
God travels with people and fights in their wars. 20:4
If you find a dead body and don't know the cause of death, then get all the elders together, cut off the head of a
heifer, wash your hands over its body, and say our hands have not shed this blood. (That'll do it!)
21:1-8
Hang on trees the bodies of those who are "accursed of God." They make nice decorations.
21:22
Women are not to wear men's clothing -- it's an "abomination unto the Lord." 22:5
"Thou shalt not plow with an ox and an ass together" or wear wool and linen together in the same garment. But
"thou shalt make thee fringes upon the four quarters of thy vesture." 22:10-12
You can't go to church if your testicles are damaged or your penis has been cut off.
23:1
God won't let bastards attend church. Neither can the sons or daughters of bastards "even to the tenth generation."
So if you plan to attend church next Sunday be ready to prove that your genitals are intact and don't forget your birth
certificate and genealogical records for at least the last ten generations. Don't laugh. This stuff is important to God.
23:2
God gives us instructions for defecating. He says to carefully cover up all feces "for the Lord walketh in the midst
of thy camp." (You wouldn't want the divine foot to step in your shit, would you?) 23:12-14
Remarrying your former wife after divorcing her is an abomination to the
Lord. 24:4
If a man dies without having a child, his brother shall "go in unto" his dead brother's wife. If he refuses, the dead
man's wife is to loosen his shoe and spit in his face. 25:5-10
If two men fight and the wife of one grabs the "secrets" of the other, "then thou shalt cut off her hand" and "thy eye
shall not pity her." 25:11-12
"I have not ... given ought thereof for the dead.
Don't worry God. I haven't offered any food to dead people. 26:14
Cursed be the man that maketh any graven image. 27:15
"Cursed be he that lieth with his father's wife, because he uncovereth his father's skirt." 27:20
"Cursed be he that lieth with any manner of beast: and all the people shall say, Amen."
27:21
"Cursed be he that lieth with his sister ... And all the people shall say, Amen."
27:22
"Cursed be he that lieth with his mother in law: and all the people shall say, Amen."
27:23
"Cursed be he that confirmeth not all the words of this law." 27:26
"Cursed shalt thou be in the city, and cursed shalt thou be in the field." I guess you'll be
cursed just about wherever you go. 28:16
"Cursed shalt thou be when thou comest in, and cursed shalt thou be when thou goest out."
28:19
"And thy heaven that is over thy head shall be brass, and the earth that is under thee shall
be iron." 28:23
"The Lord will smite thee with the botch of Egypt, and the emerods [hemorrhoids], and with the scab, and with the
itch, whereof thou canst be healed. The Lord will smite thee with madness, and blindness, and astonishment of heart."
28:27-28
"The stranger that is within thee shall get up above thee very high; and thou shalt come down very low ... he shall
be the head, and thou shalt be the tail." 28:43-44
The shoes and clothing of the Israelites didn't wear out even after wandering in the wilderness for forty years. They
just don't make them like they used to! 29:5
God will circumcise your heart and "the heart of thy seed." 30:6
When Moses was 120 years old he could no longer "go out and come in." Yet just a little
later (Dt.34:7) we are told that "his eye was not dim,
nor his natural forces abated." 31:1-2
"Their wine is the poison of dragons." I wonder what genus and species the bible is referring to when it mentions
dragons. 32:33
The priests were able to cross the Jordan without getting their feet wet. Glory!
3:8-17
At God's command, Joshua makes some knives and circumcises "again the children of Israel the second time"
(ouch!) at the "hill of the foreskins." 5:2-3
It took the Israelites 40 years to travel from Egypt to Canaan, yet such a journey, even at that time,
would have taken no more than ten days. 5:6
"Loose thy shoe from off thy foot."
The "captain of the Lord's host" visits Joshua and delivers the all-important message: "Take your shoes off." 5:13-15
God's plan for the destruction of Jericho: Have seven priests go before the ark with seven trumpets of ram's horns.
Then on the seventh day, they go around the city seven times. Finally, the priests blow a long blast from the ram's horns, all
the people shout, and the walls will fall down. 6:3-5
Keep yourselves from "the accursed thing". Whatever that is. But be sure to save all the silver and gold for God!
6:18-19
Joshua and all the elders tear their clothes, fall on their faces, and put dust on their heads. They perform this tantrum
because the Israelites lost a battle (God was punishing them because one man (Achan) "took of the accursed thing"). I
wonder what "the accursed thing" was? Knowledge, tolerance, kindness perhaps?
7:1-13
God slaughters the Amorites and even chases them "along the way" as they try to escape. Then he sends down
huge hailstones and kills even more of them. 10:10-11
In a divine type of daylight savings time, God makes the sun stand still so that Joshua can get all his killing done
before dark. 10:12-13
"The Lord fought for Israel." I wonder what kind of weapon he used. Probably the jawbone of an ass.
10:14, 10:42
"And the coast of Og king of Bashan, which as of the remnant of the giants...."
12:4, 18:16
One man of you shall chase a thousand: for the LORD your God, he it is that fighteth for you." 23:10
God sent hornets to fight for the Israelites. 24:12
Adonibezek fed 70 kings (with their thumbs and big toes cut off) under his table. 1:7
"The Lord ... could not drive out the
inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron." 1:19
God promised many times that he would drive out all the inhabitants of the lands they encountered. But
these verses show that God failed to keep his promise since he was unable to driver out the Canaanites.
1:21, 27-30
An angel drops by to rebuke the Israelites for being too tolerant of the religious
beliefs of the people they have been massacring. He tells them that since they didn't complete their
job (of killing everyone), God will not completely drive them out (like he promised to do). Instead
he'll keep some of them around so that the Israelites will be ensnared by their false gods.
2:1-3
God anger "was hot against Israel, and he sold them." Well, I hope he got a good price. 2:14,
4:2
Shamgar kills 600 Philistines with an ox goad. Praise God. 3:31
"The children of Israel cried unto the LORD: for he [Sisera, not God] had nine hundred chariots of
iron." Yet just a few verses ago (Jg.1:19) God was overpowered by chariots of iron.
4:3
"The stars in their courses fought against Sisera." Unless astrology is true, how can the
stars affect the outcome of a battle? 5:20
Every male Midianite was killed during the time of Moses (Num.31:7), and
yet 200 years later they flourish like grasshoppers "without number." 6:1-6
To prove he's for real, the angel makes fire come out of a rock, burning the flesh and cakes. 6:20-21
"The Spirit of the LORD came upon Gideon, and he blew a trumpet." 6:34
Gideon needs some (more) signs to convince him that God isn't lying to him. (The buring flesh sign from 6:20-21 didn't satisfy him.)
So he puts down some wool on the
ground and asks God to make it wet, while keeping the surrounding ground dry. And God does it, no sweat. But
Gideon is still not sure he can trust God, so he asks him to reverse the trick, and make the ground wet and the wool
dry. "And God did so ..." Gideon must have been impressed by a God that could do such great things.
6:36-40
God picks the men to fight in Gideon's army by the way they drink water. Only those that lap water with their
tongues, "as a dog lappeth," shall fight. 7:4-7
The Midianites and Amalekites had an infinite number of camels -- well, maybe not quite, but at least as many
"as the sand by the sea shore." 7:12
Gideon's men break three hundren picthers while holding lamps, blowing trumpets, and yelling "The sword of the Lord and of
Gideon." 7:16-20
Gideon made an Ephod out of camel necklaces that caused "all Israel" to "go
a whoring. 8:27
Abimelech kills 69 brothers "upon one stone." (He was trying to get in the Guinness Book of World Records.)
9:5
And now for something completely different: Talking Trees 9:8-15
"Wine ... cheereth God and man." So God drinks wine and it makes him happy. 9:13
God sends evil spirits that cause humans to deal treacherously with each other. 9:23-24
Abimelech and his men burned to death 1000 men and women who were trapped in a tower.
(They had really big towers back then.) 9:49
"Jair ... had thirty sons that rode on thirty ass colts, and they had thirty cities."
10:3-4
God was angry at Israel so he sold them to the Philistines. (He had previously sold them to the kings of
Mesopotamia (3:8) and Canaan (4:2).)
10:7
Abdon had 70 sons and nephews that rode on 70 ass colts. 12:13-14
"Why askest thou thus after my name, seeing it is secret?"
The angel had a secret name. (Clarence?, 007?, agent 99?) 13:18
"The angel of the LORD ascended in the flame of the altar." 13:20
"And the child [Samson] grew, and the Lord blessed him." Samson was one of the vilest of all the vile Bible
heroes; Yet he was especially blessed by God. 13:24
Samson rips up a young lion when "the spirit of the Lord came mightily upon him." Later, when going to "take"
his Philistine wife he notices a swarm of bees and honey in the lion's carcass (a Divine miracle -- or just rotting flesh
and maggots?). 14:5-8
Samson catches 300 foxes, ties their tails together, and sets them on fire.
15:4
"The spirit of the Lord came mightily upon" Samson and "he found a new jawbone of an ass ... and took it,
and slew 1000 men therewith." 15:14-15
After Samson killed 1000 men with the jawbone of an ass, he was thirsty. So God
created and filled a hollow in the very same jawbone and put water in it for Samson to drink.
15:17-19
Samson, after "going in unto" a harlot, takes the doors, gate, and posts of the city and carries them to the top of a
hill. Why did he do this? Did God make him do it or was he just showing off? The Bible doesn't say.
16:3
Samson reveals the secret of his strength to Delilah: "If I be shaven, then my strength will go from me." (And I
thought his strength was from God.) 16:17
After taking in a traveling Levite, the host offers his virgin daughter and his guest's concubine to a mob of
perverts (who want to have sex with his guest). The mob refuses the daughter, but accepts the concubine and they
"abuse her all night." The next morning she crawls back to the doorstep and dies. The Levite puts her dead body on an
ass and takes her home. Then he chops her body up into twelve pieces and sends them to each of the twelve tribes of
Israel. 19:22-30
The Benjamites had 700 left-handed men who could sling a stone at a hair and not miss.
20:16
God tells the Israelites to send the tribe of Judah into battle and 22,000 men were killed by the Benjamites.
20:18, 21
God tells them to go to battle again and another 18,000 are killed. 20:23, 25
God tells Phinehas to fight against the Benjamites, saying he will deliver them into his hand.
So the Israelites kill some more people for God. 20:38-41
"And Elkanah knew Hannah his wife; and the Lord remembered her." (He probably said something
like, "Oh yeah, she's the one whose womb I shut up.") And Hannah conceived and "bare a son [Oh boy,
another boy!], and called his name Samuel." 1:19-20
A disembodied voice calls to the child Samuel three times. The first two times, Samuel thought it was
Eli that called him. But Eli figured it that the voice must be God's. So the third time that
God called, he was able to deliver his message to Samuel. 3:4-10
God will do something that will cause everyone's ears to tingle. 3:11
Samuel tells Eli that God will punish his descendants forever (3:12-13) and Eli says, "Okay, whatever God wants
is fine with me." 3:18
The Philistines set the ark of God next to the god Dagon, and the next morning Dagon had mysteriously (miraculously?) fallen on his face. The same
thing happened the next night, only this time his head and hands were cut off, too! After that, no one ever entered the house of Dagon again.
5:2-5
God smites the people of Ashdod with hemorrhoids "in their secret parts." 5:6-12
To see if it was God who killed the Philistine people, the ark of the Lord and the five golden hemorrhoids were put into a cart pulled by
two cows. Then the cows were let go. If the cows went directly to Bethshemesh, then God killed the people. And that is the way the cows went.
So by this superstitious method we know that it was God who killed the Philistines by giving them
hemorrhoids "in their secret parts." 6:7-12
After striking the Philistines with hemorrhoids "in their secret parts," he demands that they send him
five golden hemorrhoids as a "trespass offering." 6:4-5, 11, 17
Saul was more handsome than anyone in Israel and stood head and shoulders above everyone else.
9:2
When the people couldn't find Saul (who was selected to be king by drawing lots), they "enquired
of the Lord ... and the Lord answered, Behold he hath hid himself among the
stuff." 10:22
"But the children of Belial said, How shall this man save us? And they
despised him, and brought no presents." 10:27
"I make a covenant with your, that I may thrust out all your right eyes." Deals like this can only be found in the
Bible. 11:2
"And the spirit of God came upon Saul ... and he took a yoke of oxen, and hewed them in pieces, and sent them
throughout all the coast of Israel." People do the darnedest
things when the spirit of God comes upon them! 11:6-7
"Saul ... slew the Ammorites unto the heat of the day." Then he took a little break. After all, killing is
hard work. 11:11
"So Samuel called unto the LORD; and the LORD sent thunder and rain." 12:18
Samuel tells Saul that he's just not good enough for God. So God has chosen someone else to
replace him as king. Who is this guy, this "man after his own heart" that God has chosen?
David!13:14
After Jonathan's first slaughter (20 men in one half acre), God showed his approval with "a very great trembling."
14:15
Saul tells his soldiers not to eat anything until he kills all of his enemies, saying that anyone who eats anything is cursed. But his son Jonathan
didn't hear about his fathers curse and he ate a bit of honey. So he Saul says his son is cursed and must die. 14:24-43
"An evil spirit from the Lord troubled him." but if God is good, then how could he have an
evil spirit? 16:14-16, 23
Goliath was ten feet tall ("six cubits and a span"). 17:4
David caught a lion (and a bear?) "by his beard" and then killed him. 17:34-35
"The evil spirit from God came upon Saul, and he prophesied." 18:10
David kills 200 Philistines and brings their foreskins to Saul to buy his first wife (Saul's daughter Michal).
Saul had only asked for 100 foreskins, but David was feeling generous. 18:25-27
"And Saul saw and knew that the LORD was with David."
(How else could David get so many foreskins?) 18:28
And the evil spirit from the Lord was upon Saul." Poor guy, he just can't keep
away from God's damned evil spirit. 19:9
Saul gets a bit carried away with his prophesying "and he stripped off his clothes ... and
lay down naked all that day and night. Wherefore they say, Is Saul also among the prophets?"
19:24
David acts like he's crazy, scribbles on the gates of Gath, and lets spit run down his beard. All this he did in
front of Israel's enemies in the hopes that they would take him in and protect him from Saul. 21:12
Saul tells his soldiers not to eat anything until he kills all of his enemies, saying that anyone who eats anything is cursed. But his son Jonathan
didn't hear about his fathers curse and he ate a bit of honey. So he Saul says his son is cursed and must die. 14:24-43
David vows to kill "any that pisseth against the wall." 25:22, 34
"And David smote the land and left neither man nor woman alive." (No wonder God liked David so much!)
Among those that David exterminated were the Amalekites. But there couldn't have been any Amalekites to kill since
Saul killed them all (1 Sam.15:7-8) just a little while before.
27:8-11
"And when Saul inquired of the Lord, the
Lord answered him not, neither by dreams, nor by Urim, nor by prophets." 28:6
Saul visits a woman with a "familiar spirit" and she brings Samuel back from the dead. Samuel once again
explains that God is angry at Saul for not killing all of the Amalekites. He says God is going to deliver all of Israel
into the hands of the Philistines. (Since Saul refused to slaughter innocent people, God will slaughter the Israelites.
Fair is fair.) 28:8-19
The Amalekites are a tough tribe. Twice they were "utterly destroyed": first by Saul
(1 Sam.15:7-8) and then by David (1 Sam.27:9-11). Yet here
they are, just a few years later, fighting the Israelites again! 30:1
David spends the day killing more of those pesky Amalekites. They are completely wiped out again. (See
1 Sam.15:7-8, 20 and 27:8-9 for the
last two times that they were exterminated.) 30:17
According to these verses, Saul was killed by an Amalekite. But Saul killed all the Amalekites
(except for Agag who Samuel hacked to death) as God commanded in 1 Sam.15:3,
so how could he later be killed by one? 1:8-10
Abner smites Asahel "under the fifth rib." 2:23 (It seems that in 2
Samuel this is the preferred place to get smitten. 3:27,
4:6, 20:10)
David says, "deliver me my wife Michal, which I espoused to me for a hundred foreskins of the Philistines."
Well, he actually paid with two hundred foreskins (see 1 Sam.18:27).
3:14
"When David enquired of the LORD, he said ... come upon them over against the mulberry trees." 5:23
"When thou hearest the sound of a going in the tops of the mulberry trees ... then shall the LORD go out before thee, to smite the host
of the Philistines." 5:24
"Then said David, I will shew kindness unto Hanun the son of Nahash, as his father shewed kindness unto me."
Nahash gouged out the eyes of Israelite messengers (or at least threatened to) in 1 Samuel 11.
That's a strange way to show kindness! 10:2
"Hanun ... shaved off the one half of their beards, and cutt off their garments ... even to their
buttocks."
That'll teach them! 10:4
After Bathsheba's baby is killed by God, David comforts her by going "in unto her." She conceives and bears
another son (Solomon). 12:24
"The wood [forest] devoured more people that day
than the sword devoured." It must have been spooky forest to have devoured more than 20,000
soldiers. 18:8
Amasa is viciously slaughtered by Joab by smiting him "in
the fifth rib", of course. 20:10
"There went up a smoke out of his nostrils, and fire out of his mouth."
What happens when God gets mad? The earth shakes, the foundations of heaven move, smoke comes out of his nostrils,
and fire out of his mouth."22:8-9
God "came down" with "darkness under his feet." 22:10
"The LORD thundered from heaven, and the most High (who?) uttered his voice." 22:14
"The foundations of the world were discovered ... at the blast of the breath of his nostrils." 22:16
The chief of David's captains killed with his own spear 800 guys at one time.
23:8
Eleazar the son of Dodo killed so many Philistines that his hand stuck to his sword. 23:9-10
David was thirsty, so he asked someone to get him some water from the Bethlehem well,
which was controlled by the Philistines. Three of his men broke through the enemy lines, got the water from
the well, and brought it back to David. But he refused to drink it and poured it on the ground.
23:15-17
"Abishai ... lifted up his spear against three hundred, and slew them." 23:18
God tempts David to take census, though 1 Chr.21:1 says
that Satan tempted David, and Jas.1:13 says that
God never tempts anyone. Why did God or Satan tempt David to take the census?
And what the heck is wrong with a census anyway? 24:1
Israel had 1,300,000 fighting men in this battle. Of course, this is a ridiculously high number for a
battle between two tribal armies in 1000 BCE. (The United States had about
1.37
million active duty soldiers in 2001.) 24:9
God offers David a choice of punishments for having conducted the census: 1) seven
years of famine (1 Chr.21:12 says three years), 2) three months fleeing from enemies, or
3) three days of pestilence. David can't decide, so God chooses for him and sends a pestilence, killing 70,000 men
(and probably around 200,000 women and children). 24:13
After God threatens to kill hundreds of thousands of
innocent people for a census that he inspired, David says, "let us fall now into the hand of the
LORD; for his mercies are great." 24:14
Finally, when an angel is about to destroy Jerusalem, "the Lord repented." That's nice, but why would a good God
have to repent of the evil that he planned to do? 24:16
When Solomon was annointed king the people sang and shouted so loudly that it caused an earthquake! 1:39-40
God grants Solomon's' request and makes him the wisest of all men. (He was wiser even than Jesus.) He also
promises to "lengthen Solomon's days" if he will only "walk in my ways, ... as thy father David did walk." But alas, it
was only a dream. 3:12-15
How could Solomon be "wiser than all men" and yet have his heart "turned away ... after other gods?"
(1 Kg.11:4) 4:29-31
The house that "Solomon built for the Lord" was tiny compared to the one he built for himself. According
to 7:1-2
, God's house had less than one-quarter the floor space of Solomon's. 6:2,
7:1-2
When the priests brought the ark into the temple, a "cloud filled the house of the LORD So that the priests" could no see.
8:10-11
God creates droughts by causing "heaven to shut up" as a punishment for sin. 8:35
When dedicating the temple, Solomon kills 22,000 oxen and 120,000 sheep. 8:63
"King Solomon loved many strange women. And he had 700 wives and 300 concubines." 11:3
The wisest man that ever lived (1 Kg.4:31) was misled by his
wives into worshipping other gods. 11:4, 15:3
Solomon (the wisest man that ever lived) worshipped many gods, including Ashtoreth, Micom, Chemosh, and Molech. 11:5-7
Joab (David's captain) spent six months killing every male in Edom. Yet a few years later Edom revolted.
(2 Kg.8:22) 11:15
"I [king Rehoboam] will chastise you with scorpions." 12:11, 14
Ever the playful spirit, God withers, and then restores, the hand of king
Jeroboam. 13:4
There were these two prophets. The first prophet lied to the second. To the punish the second for
believing the first's lie, God sends a lion to kill him. Get it? 13:11-24
God kills everyone "that pisseth against the wall." 14:10,
16:11, 21:21
Did Abijam marry his own mother?
Since Asa's father was Abijam and they had the same mother (Maachah), Abijam was both father and
brother to Asa. 15:9-10
"Asa did what was right in the eyes of the Lord, As
did David his father." 15:11
Ravens bring Elijah bread and flesh for breakfast and dinner. 17:6
"The fire of the Lord fell, and consumed ... stones." 18:38
Elijah went forty days on the strength of two meals. 19:7-8
God passes by and causes a great wind, earthquake, fire, and a little voice. (God was in the little voice.) 19:11-12
God delivers the Syrians into the Israelites hands, and 100,000 were killed in one day. Of those that escaped,
27,000 were crushed by a falling wall. (It was a really big wall.) 20:28-30
There was this son of a prophet that said to his neighbor, "kill me."
But the neighbor refused. So God sent a lion to devour him. 20:35
Elijah shows that he is "a man of God" by burning 102 men to death. 1:10, 12
When Elijah needs to cross a river, he just
smacks the water with his magic mantle and crosses on dry land. 2:8
Elisha repeats Elijah's trick of parting the waters of the Jordan by smiting them with his mantle.
2:14
Elisha "heals" the waters by adding a pinch of salt. 2:20-22
God sends two bears to rip up 42 little children for making fun of Elisha's bald head. 2:23-24
Elisha restores the life of a dead child, but only after laying on him
a couple of times, putting his mouth on the child's mouth, his eyes on the child's eyes, and
his hands on the child's hands. Finally, the child responds by sneezing seven
times. 4:32-35
Elisha put some meal (flour) in a pot to counteract the poison in a pot of stew. 4:40-41
Elisha can do all the tricks of Jesus (raise the dead, heal the sick, etc.). Here he cures a leper, but only after the
leper dips himself seven times in the Jordan. 5:14
Elisha makes an iron ax head swim. Neat trick, not even Jesus did that one!
6:6
"Elisha ... telleth the king of Israel the words that thou speakest in thy bedchamber."
Elisha is clairaudient (acquires psychic knowledge
by auditory means). 6:12
Elisha prayed and "behold,
the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire round about Elisha." 6:17
With God's help, Elisha first blinds the Syrians and then restores their sight.
6:18-20
"An ass's head was
sold for fourscore pieces of silver, and the fourth part of a cab of dove's
dung for five pieces of silver." 6:25
The Edomites revolt. But how could they have fought when all of their males had just recently been killed?
(1 Kg.11:16) 8:22
One of Jehu's officers called Elisha a madman (which, of course, he was). 9:11
Jehu is the patron saint of reckless drivers. 9:20
These verses are so important that God decided to repeat them in two successive chapters. I'd
memorize them if I were you. 13:12-13, 14:15-16
Elisha tells Joash to hit the ground with his arrow. So he smacks the ground three times. Elisha then yells at him,
saying he should have struck the ground five or six times. If he had, then he would have completely wiped out Syria, but now
since he only struck the ground three times, he'll only get to smite Syria three times. Shucks! 13:18-19
A dead body is brought to life when it accidentally touches the bones of Elisha. 13:21
According to this verse, Ahaz was 36 years old when he completed his reign. And 18:1-2 says that he was
succeeded by a 25 year old son, Hezekiah. This means that Ahaz fathered Hezakiah when he was only eleven years
old! 16:2
Hezekiah, the son of Ahaz, began to reign when he was 25 years old. His father was 36 years old when
Hezekiah took over (16:2). So Ahaz was only eleven years old when he fathered Hezekiah!
18:1-2
While Hezekiah was busy doing things that were "right in the sight of the Lord," he broke the brazen
serpent that God told Moses to make in Num.21:8. 18:3-4
An "angel of the Lord" kills 185,000 men while they sleep. "And when they arose early in the morning, behold,
they were all dead corpses." I guess they all woke up and said, "Shucks, I'm dead." 19:35
Take a lump of figs. And they took and laid it on the
boil, and he recovered." 20:7
Isaiah, with a little help from God, makes the sun move backwards ten degrees. Now that's quite a trick. All at
once, the earth stopped spinning and then reversed its direction of rotation. Or maybe the sun traveled around the
earth in those days! 20:11
God plans to "bring such evil upon
Jerusalem and Judah, that whosoever heareth of it, both his ears shall tingle." 21:12
"I [God] will wipe Jerusalem as a man wipeth a dish, wiping it, and turning it upside down." 21:13
The first nine chapters of First Chronicles are good examples of the "endless genealogies" that Paul tells us to avoid
(see 1 Tim.1:4 and Tit.3:9). Chapters 1-9
Seven sons of Zerubbabel are listed, not five as is said in this verse. 3:20
Five sons of Shemiah are listed, not six as is said in this verse. 3:22
As if it wasn't boring enough the first time, ten verses from Saul's genealogy are
repeated in consecutive chapters. 8:29-38, 9:35-44
The chief of David's captains killed with his own spear 300 guys at one time.
11:11
David was thirsty, so he asked someone to get him some water from the Bethlehem well,
which was controlled by the Philistines. Three of his men broke through the enemy lines, got the water from
the well, and brought it back to David. But he refused to drink it and poured it on the ground.
11:17-19
"Benaiah ... slew two lionlike men of Moab: also he went down and slew a lion." 11:22
The Gadites had faces like lions and could run as fast as deer on the mountains.
12:8
"The LORD said unto him, Go up; for I will deliver them into thine hand."
God tells David to go to war with the Philistines, promising to deliver them into his hand. 14:10
"David enquired again of God; and God said unto him, Go not up after them; turn away from them, and come upon them over against the
mulberry trees." (How stupid can a Bible story get?) 14:14
God tells David to listen for a sound in the mulberry trees. That sound will mean that God has already killed the Philistines.
14:15
David gave every man and woman in Israel a large bottle of wine. 16:3
David puts on a crown weighing 1 talent (34 kg). (He had a very strong neck.)
20:2
According to this verse David's army had 1,100,000 men from Israel and 470,000 men from Judah,
Of course, this numbers is ridiculously high for a battle between two tribal armies in 1000 BCE.
(The United States had about 1.37
million active duty soldiers in 2001.) 21:5
David provides Solomon with a fantastically large amount of gold and
silver with which to build the temple: 100,000 talents of gold and 1,000,000 talents of silver. Since a
talent was about 60 pounds, this would be about 3,000 tons of gold and 30,000 tons of silver.
22:14
"The sons of Jeduthun; Gedaliah, and Zeri, and Jeshaiah, Hashabiah, and Mattithiah, six." But
only five are listed. 25:3
King David collects ten thousand drams (or
darics) for the construction of the temple in Jerusalem. This is especially interesting since darics
were coins named after King Darius I who lived some five hundred years after David.
29:7
As usual, the reported amounts of gold, silver, and iron are grossly exaggerated. (100,000 talents
of iron, for example, would be about 34 million kilograms.) 29:7
"And the fame of David went out into all lands; and the LORD brought the fear of him upon all nations."
(Even the Native Americans, Polynesians, and Chinese emperors feared David!) 14:17
Solomon enlists a huge workforce (over 150,000 men) to construct a small chapel. (See
1 Kg.6:2 where the dimensions of the building are given as approximately 90 feet long,
30 feet wide, and 45 feet high.) 2:2
"Remember the mercies of David." But David was anything but merciful. For some
examples of his behavior see 2 Sam.12:31 and
1 Chr.20:3 where he saws, hacks, and burns to death the
inhabitants of several cities. 6:42
"When Solomon had made an end of praying, the fire came down from
heaven, and consumed the burnt offering and the sacrifices." 7:1
Solomon, when dedicating the temple, killed 22,000 oxen and 120,000 sheep.
7:5
Abijah spoke to 1,200,000 soldiers at one time. (He had a really loud voice.)
13:3-4
A half million soldiers die in a single God-assisted slaughter. 13:16-17
In the largest single God-assisted massacre in the bible, Asa, with God's help, kills one million Ethiopians.
14:8-14
According to this verse, Baasha fought with Judah
in the 36th year of Asa's reign, yet 1 Kg.16:6-8 says
that Baasha died in the 26th year of Asa's reign. So if both stories are true, Baasha was still fighting 10 years
after his death! 16:1
Asa, when he had a foot disease, went to physicians instead of seeking the Lord. (God disapproves
of those who seek medical help rather than "seeking the Lord.") 16:12
Jehoram began to reign after Elijah went to heaven (2 Kg.2:11,
8:16), so how could King Jehoram receive a letter from him?
21:9, 12
Jehoram was 32 years old when he began to reign and he reigned for eight years and then died (a 40
years old). After his death, his youngest son Ahaziah began to reign at the age of 42 (22:1-2).
So the son (Ahaziah) was two years older than his father! 21:20,
22:1-2
God makes Uzziah a leper for burning incense without a license. 26:19-21
An eight year-old king (Jehoiachin) did "evil in the sight of the Lord." 36:9
"The LORD his God be with him, and let him go up." Now how's that for a strange ending? Actually, the last
two verses from 2 Chronicles are taken from the first few verses of Ezra. It just happens
that whoever decided to tack these verses on (for whatever reason) forgot to finish the sentence!
36:22-23
"The whole congregation together was forty and two thousand tree hundred and threescore
[42,360]." Yet if we count up all of the numbers in the list just given in
Ezra 2:3-62 we obtain a different number: 29,818. 2:65
When Ezra hears of the intermarriages, he tears up his clothes, plucks out his hair and beard, and sits
down astonished. 9:3
Here we are told that the whole congregation
totaled 42,360. But if we just total up the numbers given in Neh.7:8-62 we come
up with only 31,089. 7:66
Nehemiah rebukes the men for marrying "strange wives." To punish them he "contended with them, and
cursed them, and smote certain of them, and plucked off their hair." 13:25-27
God asks where Satan has been lately (apparently God didn't know), and Satan answered
saying, "From walking to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down on it." This verse inspired
Mark Twain's
Letters
From the Earth.. 1:7, 2:2
God gives Satan power over all that Job possesses. 1:12
God kills (or allows Satan to kill) Job's children, but Job doesn't "foolishly" blame
God. Since God was responsible, why would it be foolish to blame God? 1:22
God and Satan play a little game with Job. God allows Satan to torment Job, just to see how he will react.
2:3-6
"So went Satan forth from
the presence of the LORD, and smote Job with sore boils from the sole of his foot unto his
crown." 2:7
Job asks the important question: "Is there any taste in the white of an egg?"
6:6
Does God pervert Justice? Well, if you believe the Bible he sure as hell does! 8:3
Job says "my breath is strange to my wife." Mine too. 19:17
"That it might take hold of the ends of the earth, that the wicked might be
shaken out of it."
God could (if he wanted to) pick up the earth by its ends and shake all the wicked people off of it. 38:13
God speaks to people in dreams and visions while they sleep. (They're called
nightmares.) 33:14-16
"Who can stay the bottles of heaven?" Gosh, I don't know. I didn't even know there were any bottles in heaven.
38:37
"Will the unicorn be willing to serve thee?" The unicorn referred to here is probably not the single-horned mythical creature, but rather
a wild ox that was mistranslated in the KJV. 39:9-10
Bible believers have identified the behemoth as
a hippopotamus, dinosaur, wildebeest, or crocodile. But my favorite is the way
these verses are
translated
by Stephen Mitchell: "Look now: the Beast that I
made: he eats grass like a bull. Look: the power in his thighs, the pulsing
sinews of his belly. His penis stiffens like a pine; his testicles bulge with
vigor." 40:15-16
"Canst thou draw out leviathan with an hook? or his tongue with a cord?" 41:1-34
After God (or Satan) kills Job's first set of
kids (1:19), he is given an even better set -- with even prettier daughters!
42:13-15
The earth shakes whenever God really gets mad. 18:7
Smoke comes out of God's nose and fire comes out of his mouth. 18:8
God curved the heavens and came down to earth with darkness under his feet. 18:9
God rides upon cherubs and flies through the sky. 18:10
"The foundations of the world were
discovered ... at the blast of the breath of thy nostrils." (The earth is set on firm foundations
and does not move -- unless God blows his nose.) 18:15
Those "that seek the LORD shall not want any good thing." (Those who are poor or hungry
just aren't seeking God enough.) 34:10
"Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the LORD delivereth him out of them all."
Nothing bad ever happens to righteous folks. 34:19
Those who trust in God and do good, will never be hungry. (Those who starve to death
didn't trust him or did bad things.) 37:3
If you delight yourself in God, he'll give you whatever you want. 37:4
The meek shall inherit the earth." Will they really? In nature they inherit nothing, but die painful deaths from
disease, starvation, and predation. 37:11
The author of this psalm allegedly is David. If so, then it's
not surprising that his "loins" would be "filled with a loathsome disease." After all, his promiscuity
was legendary, and he probably didn't practice safe sex. 38:5, 7
"And he [God] smote his enemies in the hinder parts." (He kicked their ass.) 78:66
"I have said, Ye are gods." Jesus quotes this verse in John 10:34 to get out of a tough spot. (He was
claiming to be God for which the Jews accused him of blasphemy.) 82:6
"I will make mention of Rahab"
Rahab is a sea-demon or dragon from ancient Jewish folklore. 87:4
"Thou hast broken Rahab [the sea monster] in pieces." 89:10
The psalmist has a horn that he'd like God to erect -- "like the horn of a unicorn."
92:10
"A fire goeth before him, and burneth up his enemies round about." 97:3
"The Lord ... who healeth all thy diseases." God heals all diseases. Medical science is
unnecessary. 103:2-3
"Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints." 116:15
Proud people have hearts that are "fat as grease." 119:69-70
"The LORD is thy keeper.... The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon
by night." So believers don't have to bother with sunscreen. God will protect them from
sunburn, and moonburn too. 121:5-6
"Except the LORD build the house, they labour in vain that build it."
God doesn't build houses or watch over cities; people do. 127:1
"He giveth his beloved sleep."
Don't bother getting up early and working hard. If God loves you, you can sleep in and let God
take care you. 127:2
"To him that smote Egypt in their first born: for his mercy endures forever."
136:10
God "overthrew Pharaoh and his host in the Red sea: for his mercy endureth for ever."
136:15
God "smote great kings: for his mercy endureth for ever." 136:17-18
"He hath made every thing beautiful."
Everything is beautiful in its own way. Parasitic worms, cancer cells, bubonic plague. You just have to look at it from God's eyes.
3:11
"When he ariseth to shake terribly the earth."
(Earthquakes happen when God gets angry.) 2:19, 21
After God "washed away the filth" from the women and killed the men, he set up
"a cloud and smoke by day" and a "flaming fire by night." 4:4-5
"He has stretched forth his hand against them ... and the hills did tremble." 5:25
God "will hiss unto then from the end of the earth." 5:26
An angel touches Isaiah's lips with a live coal. 6:6-7
"The Lord shall hiss for the fly ... and for the bee." 7:18
God will shave men's feet, where "feet" and "hair" are biblical euphemisms for males sexual organs and pubic hair,
respectively. 7:20
Isaiah has sex with a prophetess who conceives and bears a son. (You weren't expecting a daughter, were you?) God then
tells Isaiah to call his name Mathershalalhashbaz. (It has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?) 8:3
God will "smite the earth with the rod of his mouth, and with the breath of his lips he shall slay the wicked." God must
have some pretty bad breath! 11:4
"The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb...." I wonder what will become of the spiders.
Will they be more friendly toward flies? And will the parasitic wasps find another way to feed their larvae? Or will they
continue to feed off the living bodies of caterpillars? 11:6, 65:25
"And the weaned child shall put his hand on the cockatrice' den." A cockatrice is a serpent, hatched from a
cock's egg, that can kill with a glance. They are rare nowadays. 11:8
When God gets really angry, he causes earthquakes. 13:13
Dragons will live in Babylonian palaces and satyrs will dance there. 13:21-22
Out of the serpent's root shall come forth a cockatrice, and his fruit shall be a fiery flying serpent." What ever happened
to these fascinating biblical creatures? 14:29
"Wherefore my bowels shall sound like an harp for Moab, and mine inward
parts for Kirharesh." 16:11
God tells Isaiah to take off all his clothes and to wander about completely naked for three years as a "sign and a wonder."
In this way he will be just like the Egyptian captives who will walk about naked "with their buttocks uncovered."
20:2-5
While walking around naked for three years, Isaiah's loins were filled with pain. 21:3
"The Lord will ... toss thee like a ball." 22:17-18
Tyre "shall commit fornication with all the kingdoms of the world," and her hire shall be holiness to the Lord."
23:17-18
God will turn the earth upside down, knock it off of its foundations, and then shake and bake it until
it "reels to and fro like a drunkard." 24:1, 18-20
"The foundations of the earth do shake ... The earth shall reel to and fro like a drunkard."
(Earthquakes are all a part of God's wondrous plan.) 24:18-20
God will punish the leviathan ("that crooked serpent") with his own sword and will kill the sea dragon.
27:1
God performs a "marvelous work and a wonder" by destroying wisdom and understanding.
29:14
Natural disasters (earthquakes, storms, fires, tsunamis) are caused by, and are a sign
of, God's wrath. 29:7
Among the many strange creatures mentioned in the Bible that no longer seem to exist is the "fiery flying serpent."
30:6
"The light of the moon shall be as the light of the sun, and the light of the sun shall be
sevenfold." Well, this is one prophecy that will never come true. Since the moon has no light of its own, but only
reflects that of the sun
Absurdities in the Old Testament
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