Absurdity
-All: Genesis - Revelation
-Genesis - Deuteronomy
-Joshua - 2 Chronicles
-Ezra - Isaiah
-Jeremiah - Daniel
-Hosea - Micah
-Nahum - Malachi
-Matthew - John
-Acts - Ephesians
-Colossians - Hebrews
-James - Revelation

About the Absurdities


Dwindling in Unbelief: Absurdity


Absurdity: Ezra - Isaiah

Ezra | Nehemiah | Esther | Job | Psalms | Proverbs | Ecclesiastes | Song of Solomon | Isaiah
    Ezra

  1. In verse 11, the total number of items listed in the previous two verses is said to be 5400. The actual total is 2499. 1:9-11

  2. God's magical Urim and Thummim 2:63

  3. "The whole congregation together was forty and two thousand tree hundred and threescore [42,360]." Yet if we count up all of the numbers in the list just given in Ezra 2:3-62 we obtain a different number: 29,818. 2:65

  4. When Ezra hears of the intermarriages, he tears up his clothes, plucks out his hair and beard, and sits down astonished. 9:3

    Nehemiah

  5. "Then I consulted with myself." 5:7

  6. Nehemiah gets so upset that he shakes his lap. 5:13

  7. God's magical Urim and Thummim 7:65

  8. Here we are told that the whole congregation totaled 42,360. But if we just total up the numbers given in Neh.7:8-62 we come up with only 31,089. 7:66

  9. The Israelites clothing didn't wear out while wandering around in the desert for 40 years. (God made the childrens' shoes grow with their feet so they wouldn't need new ones!) 9:21

  10. Nehemiah threw all of Tobiah's stuff out of the room. 13:8

  11. Nehemiah rebukes the men for marrying "strange wives." To punish them he "contended with them, and cursed them, and smote certain of them, and plucked off their hair." 13:25-27

    Esther

  12. "Ahasuerus ... made a feast ... even an hundred and fourscore days."
    Woohoo! A 180 day party! 1:2-4

  13. Because Mordecai (who was a Jew) refused to bow to Haman, Haman decides to kill every Jew in the Persian Empire, offering to pay 10,000 talents of silver (~300,000 kg) to get the job done. 3:2-9

  14. The king sends out a decree to all the provinces declaring a kingdom-wide Kill-the-Jews day. It was to take place on the 13th day of the 12th month. 3:13

  15. "Mordecai rent his clothes." 4:1

  16. "And in every province ... many lay in sackcloth and ashes." 4:3
  17. Haman's wife and friends tell Haman to have a 25 meter high gallows be made to hang Mordecai on. So they did that in a single day. 5:14

  18. The king couldn't sleep so he asked someone to read to him the book of Chronicles. That ought to do it! 1 Chornicles is probably the most boring book ever written. No one can read it without falling asleep. 6:1

  19. The king had completely forgotten that he had ordered the genocide of the Jews back in chapter 3. 7:5

  20. At Esther's request, the king orders a preemptive strike on all 127 provinces from Egypt to Ethiopia. Everyone who planned to kill Jews shall be killed by Jews, along with their wives and children. And all this killing is to take place on a single day.
    (How are the Jews to figure out who planned to kill them and who didn't? Were they supposed to just kill them all and let God sort it out? And why did they need to kill the women and children?) 8:9-13

  21. On the day when all Jew-haters (and their families) were killed by Jews, "the Jews had light, and gladness, and joy, and honour ... a feast and a good day." 8:16-17

    Job

  22. Job was a perfect man, the richest in all the east. He had 7 sons and 3 daughters that liked to party. The sons often invited their sister over to party with them. 1:1-4

  23. "There was a man in the land of Uz, whose name was Job; and that man was perfect."
    Nobody's perfect. Well, except for Job (and Noah). 1:1

  24. God makes a bet with his son, Satan. God tells Satan to do nasty things to Job to see if he can get him to curse God to his face. 1:6-12

  25. The sons of God came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan came also among them."
    Satan is the son of God -- the only one that God ever seems to talk to. 1:6, 2:1

  26. God asks where Satan has been lately (apparently God didn't know), and Satan answered saying, "From walking to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down on it." This verse inspired Mark Twain's Letters From the Earth.. 1:7, 2:2

  27. God gives Satan power over all that Job possesses. 1:12

  28. God kills (or allows Satan to kill) Job's children, but Job doesn't "foolishly" blame God. Since God was responsible, why would it be foolish to blame God? 1:20-22

  29. God and Satan play a little game with Job. God allows Satan to torment Job, just to see how he will react. 2:3-7

  30. "So went Satan forth from the presence of the LORD, and smote Job with sore boils from the sole of his foot unto his crown." 2:7

  31. "They rent every one his mantle, and sprinkled dust upon their heads." 2:12

  32. "Is there any taste in the white of an egg?" 6:6

  33. Does God pervert Justice? Well, if you believe the Bible he sure as hell does! 8:3

  34. "He runneth upon me like a giant." 16:14
  35. "I have sewed sackcloth upon my skin, and defiled my horn in the dust." 16:15

  36. Job says "my breath is strange to my wife." Mine too. 19:17

  37. "His breasts are full of milk." 21:24

  38. When things were going well for Job he washed his steps with butter and rocks poured out rivers of oil. 29:6

  39. Job's "bowels boiled." Now that doesn't sound pleasant. 30:27

  40. Job is the brother of dragons. 30:29

  41. "For God speaketh in a dream ... He openeth the ears of men, and sealeth their instruction." 33:14-16

  42. "By the breath of God frost is given." 37:10

  43. "Then the LORD answered Job out of the whirlwind." 38:1

  44. "Gird up thy loins now like a man." 38:3, 40:7
  45. The morning stars sang together, and all the sons of God shouted for joy." 38:7

  46. God could (if he wanted to) pick up the earth by its ends and shake all the wicked people off of it. 38:13

  47. God has snow and hail stored up to use later in time of trouble and war. 38:22

  48. "Out of whose womb came the ice?" Gosh, I don't know. Was it Glinda, the Good Witch of the North? 38:29

  49. "Who can stay the bottles of heaven?" Gosh, I don't know. I didn't even know there were any bottles in heaven. 38:37

  50. "Will the unicorn be willing to serve thee?" The unicorn referred to here is probably not the single-horned mythical creature, but rather a wild ox that was mistranslated in the KJV. 39:9-10

  51. Bible believers have identified the behemoth as a hippopotamus, dinosaur, wildebeest, or crocodile. But my favorite is the way these verses are translated by Stephen Mitchell: "Look now: the Beast that I made: he eats grass like a bull. Look: the power in his thighs, the pulsing sinews of his belly. His penis stiffens like a pine; his testicles bulge with vigor." 40:15-16

  52. "Canst thou draw out leviathan with an hook? or his tongue with a cord?" 41:1

  53. After God and Satan get done tormenting Job, God gave Job even more stuff than he had before, including children. God gave Job another set of 10 kids, with even prettier daughters! 42:13-15

  54. Job lived to be 140 years old. 42:16

    Psalms

  55. "The righteous God trieth the hearts and reins."
    Jesus will search your kidneys 7:9

  56. God made the heavens with his fingers. 8:3

  57. God's eyelids. 11:4

  58. Atheists are fools who never do anything good. 14:1, 53:1

  59. "They are all together become filthy: there is none that doth good, no, not one." Everyone is filthy and no one has ever done anything good. 14:3

  60. "My reins also instruct me in the night seasons."
    The Psalmist's kidneys (reins) instruct him at night. 16:7

  61. "At thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore." 16:11

  62. God's lips 17:4

  63. The earth shakes whenever God really gets mad. 18:7

  64. Smoke comes out of God's nose and fire comes out of his mouth. 18:8

  65. God curved the heavens and came down to earth with darkness under his feet. 18:9

  66. God rides upon cherubs and flies through the sky. 18:10

  67. "The foundations of the world were discovered ... at the blast of the breath of thy nostrils." (The earth is set on firm foundations and does not move -- unless God blows his nose.) 18:15

  68. "Try my reins and my heart."
    Jesus will search your kidneys 26:2

  69. "The Lord is upon many waters. ... The Lord sitteth upon the flood." 29:3, 10

  70. God's voice is so loud it can break the cedars of Lebanon. 29:5

  71. "He maketh them also to skip ... like a young unicorn." 29:6

  72. Those who fear God never starve. 33:19

  73. Those "that seek the LORD shall not want any good thing." (Those who are poor or hungry just aren't seeking God enough.) 34:10

  74. "Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the LORD delivereth him out of them all."
    Nothing bad ever happens to righteous folks. 34:19

  75. Those who trust in God and do good, will never be hungry. (Those who starve to death didn't trust him or did bad things.) 37:3

  76. If you delight yourself in God, he'll give you whatever you want. 37:4

  77. The meek shall inherit the earth." Will they really? In nature they inherit nothing, but die painful deaths from disease, starvation, and predation. 37:11

  78. The author of this psalm allegedly is David. If so, then it's not surprising that his "loins" would be "filled with a loathsome disease." After all, his promiscuity was legendary, and he probably didn't practice safe sex. 38:5, 7

  79. God's clothes smell like myrrh, aloes, and cassia. 45:8

  80. Wicked people are wicked from birth -- God made them that way. They tell lies immediately after birth (before they can even talk!). 58:3

  81. According to the psalmist, snails melt. But they don't, of course, they simply leave a slimy trail as they move along. 58:8

  82. They [the heathen] make a noise like a dog .... Behold, they belch out with their mouths." These are good reasons for God to kill them. 59:6-7, 14

  83. "The God of mercy" will let the psalmist see his enemies tormented. 59:10

  84. God divides the world into those countries that he likes and those that he doesn't. Those he doesn't like he calls names (like "washpot") and says that he will throw his shoe at them. 60:7-8

  85. "The earth shook, the heavens also dropped at the presence of God: even Sinai itself was moved at the presence of God." 68:8

  86. God has 20,000 chariots and thousands of angels. "The Lord is among them." 68:17

  87. The psalmist prays that his enemies be tormented and blinded by God. He asks God to "make their loins continually to shake." 69:23-28

  88. God rides on the heavens of heavens, he sends out his mighty voice, his strength is in the clouds, and he is terrible in his holy places. 68:33-35

  89. "I made sackcloth also my garment; and I became a proverb to them." 69:11
  90. "I was the song of the drunkards." 69:12
  91. "I was pricked in my reins."
    ("Reins" means kidneys in the Bible.) 73:21

  92. God is so strong that he can break the head of dragons and of leviathan. 74:13-14

  93. "The waters saw thee, O God, the waters saw thee; they were afraid." 77:16

  94. "The LORD heard this" (he had his hearing aid on) and became angry, and burned people "because they believed not in God." 78:21-22

  95. Man did eat angels' food." 78:25

  96. "He rained flesh also upon them as dust, and feathered fowls like as the sand of the sea."
    See Numbers 11:20-32, where God sends quails to feed the Israelites until it literally came out their noses. 78:27

  97. "And he [God] smote his enemies in the hinder parts." (He kicked their ass.) 78:66

  98. "I have said, Ye are gods." Jesus quotes this verse in John 10:34 to get out of a tough spot. (He was claiming to be God for which the Jews accused him of blasphemy.) 82:6

  99. "The LORD God is a sun." 84:11

  100. "I will make mention of Rahab"
    Rahab is a sea-demon or dragon from ancient Jewish folklore. 87:4

  101. "Thou hast broken Rahab [the sea monster] in pieces." 89:10

  102. The psalmist has a horn that he'd like God to erect -- "like the horn of a unicorn." 92:10

  103. "They shall still bring forth fruit in old age; they shall be fat and flourishing." Being fat is is sure sign of righteousness. (Wicked people are skinny and hungry.) 92:12-14

  104. "A fire goeth before him, and burneth up his enemies round about." 97:3

  105. "The Lord ... who healeth all thy diseases." God heals all diseases. Medical science is unnecessary. 103:2-3

  106. "The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy."
    Is this the same guy who demanded that peoples' heads be hung up before him to appease his fierce anger (Numbers 25:4), and who ordered the slaughter of thousands of innocent men, women, children (1 Samuel 15:2-3)? 103:8

  107. "He smote ... their fig trees." (God hates figs) 105:33

  108. "The waters stood above the mountains."
    Noah's flood covered the highest mountains, just like it says in Genesis 7:20. 104:6-7

  109. God swears. 110:4

  110. "God ... turned the rock into a standing water, the flint into a fountain of waters." 114:7-8

  111. "Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his saints." 116:15

  112. Proud people have hearts that are "fat as grease." 119:69-70

  113. "The LORD is thy keeper.... The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night." So believers don't have to bother with sunscreen. God will protect them from sunburn, and moonburn too. 121:5-6

  114. "Pray for the peace of Jerusalem: they shall prosper that love thee."
    Jews, Christians, and Muslims all love Jerusalem, and fight each other for the holy city, exclusively given to them by God. None of them prosper. 122:6

  115. "Except the LORD build the house, they labour in vain that build it."
    God doesn't build houses or watch over cities; people do. 127:1

  116. "He giveth his beloved sleep."
    Don't bother getting up early and working hard. If God loves you, you can sleep in and let God take care you. 127:2

  117. "To him that smote Egypt in their first born: for his mercy endures forever." 136:10

  118. God "overthrew Pharaoh and his host in the Red sea: for his mercy endureth for ever." 136:15 a

  119. "If I forget thee, O Jerusalem, let my right hand forget her cunning. If I do not remember thee, let my tongue cleave to the roof of my mouth." 137:5-6
  120. God "smote great kings: for his mercy endureth for ever." 136:17-18

  121. God is in hell. 139:8

  122. Even the dragons praise the Lord. 148:7

    Proverbs

  123. "The proverbs of Solomon"
    The book of Proverbs was written several centuries after Solomon supposedly lived. So it wasn't written by Solomon. It was forged by someone who claimed to be Solomon. 1:1, 10:1

  124. "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge." 1:7

  125. "Whoso hearkeneth unto me shall dwell safely, and shall be quiet from fear of evil."
    Whoever listens to God (or wisdom, or whoever is talking here) will always be safe. 1:33

  126. "The LORD giveth wisdom: out of his mouth cometh knowledge and understanding." 2:6

  127. If you keep the commandments, you'll have a long and peacful life. 3:1-2

  128. "Lean not unto thine own understanding." Don't try to understand things; just accept whatever the bible and your religious leaders tell you. 3:5

  129. If you give money to God, he will make you rich and you'll have lots of wine. 3:9-10

  130. "A naughty person, a wicked man ... winketh with his eyes."
    Naughty, wicked people wink. (Like Sarah Palin) 6:12-13, 10:10

  131. God never allows good people to go hungry or the wicked to become wealthy. 10:3

  132. "The lips of the righteous feed many."
    Righteous people feed the hungry just by talking. 10:21

  133. "The desire of the righteous shall be granted."
    Righteous people get whatever they want. 10:24

  134. "The fear of the LORD prolongeth days." 10:27a

  135. "The years of the wicked shall be shortened." 10:27b

  136. "The righteous is delivered out of trouble." 11:8

  137. "The seed of the righteous shall be delivered." 11:21

  138. "The liberal soul shall be made fat." 11:25

  139. There shall no evil happen to the just."
    Bad things only happen to bad people. 12:21

  140. "The way of righteousness is life: and in the pathway thereof there is no death."
    Righteous people never die, they just smell that way. 12:28

  141. The soul of the diligent shall be made fat."
    God makes the diligent fat. (Lazy people are skinny and poor.) 13:4

  142. How to tell the good from the bad: Good people are the ones who get plenty to eat, and wicked are the ones who go hungry. 13:25

  143. "The eyes of the Lord are in every place." 15:3

  144. "A good report maketh the bones fat." 15:30

  145. "The fear of the LORD is the instruction of wisdom." 15:33

  146. "When a man's ways please the LORD, he maketh even his enemies to be at peace with him." 16:7

  147. "A divine sentence is in the lips of the king: his mouth transgresseth not in judgment." 16:10

  148. "The throne is established by righteousness." 16:12

  149. "Righteous lips are the delight of kings." 16:13

  150. "In the light of the king's countenance is life; and his favour is as a cloud of the latter rain." 16:15

  151. "The hoary head [gray hair] is a crown of glory." 16:31

  152. All games of chance (gambling) are controlled by God. 16:33

  153. If you're afraid of God, nothing bad will ever happen to you. 19:23

  154. "A slothful man hideth his hand in his bosom, and will not so much as bring it to his mouth again"
    I'm not sure what this means exactly, but I like to quote it to my son. 19:24

  155. "The fear of a king is as the roaring of a lion: whoso provoketh him to anger sinneth against his own soul."
    It's a sin to make a king angry. 20:2

  156. A king that sitteth in the throne of judgment scattereth away all evil with his eyes." 20:8

  157. "How can a man ... understand his own way?"
    Humans can't figure things out on their own. 20:24

  158. "The spirit of man is the candle of the LORD, searching all the inward parts of the belly." 20:27

  159. "The beauty of old men is the grey head." 20:29

  160. "The blueness of a wound cleanseth away evil: so do stripes the inward parts of the belly." 20:30

  161. "The king's heart is in the hand of the LORD, as the rivers of water: he turneth it whithersoever he will." 21:1

  162. Those who are humble and fear God will live long and prosper. 22:4

  163. Don't eat dinner with a person who has an "evil eye." 23:6

  164. "Yea, my reins shall rejoice." ("Reins" is the Bible's word for kidneys.) 23:16

  165. Every man shall kiss his lips that giveth a right answer. 24:26

  166. "The heaven for height, and the earth for depth, and the heart of kings is unsearchable." 25:3

  167. "Take away the wicked from before the king, and his throne shall be established in righteousness." 25:5

  168. "Answer not a fool according to his folly ... Answer a fool according to his folly." 26:4-5

  169. "As a thorn goeth up into the hand of a drunkard, so is a parable in the mouths of fools." 26:9

  170. "The slothful hideth his hand in his bosom; it grieveth him to bring it again to his mouth." 26:15

  171. "He that blesseth his friend with a loud voice, rising early in the morning, it shall be counted a curse to him." 27:14

  172. "They that seek the LORD understand all things." 28:5

  173. "Happy is the man that feareth alway." 28:14

  174. "To have respect of persons is not good." (Treat everyone with disrespect.) 28:21

  175. If you are greedy then you must have an "evil eye." 28:22

  176. "He that putteth his trust in the LORD shall be made fat."
    So that's why there are so many fat Christians! (And starving non-Christians.) 28:25

  177. "He that trusteth in his own heart is a fool." 28:26

  178. "Whoso putteth his trust in the LORD shall be safe." 29:25

  179. "Every word of God is pure. See Ezekiel 23:20 and Malachi 2:3 for just two examples of the "pure word of God." 30:5

  180. One of the four "wonderful" things is "the way of a man with a maid." 30:18-19

  181. "The wringing of the nose bringeth forth blood." 30:33

  182. Don't give your strength to women. 31:3

  183. "Who can find a virtuous woman?" Virtuous men are much more common. 31:10

    Ecclesiastes

  184. "The words of the Preacher, the son of David, king in Jerusalem ... I the Preacher was king over Israel in Jerusalem ... I am come to great estate, and have gotten more wisdom than all they that have been before me."
    The author of Ecclesiastes claims to be the wise, rich son of King David, which is to say, Solomon. He isn't. Ecclesiastes was written (forged) about six hundred years after Solomon died (if he ever lived, that is). 1:1, 12, 16

  185. "He hath made every thing beautiful."
    Everything is beautiful in its own way. Parasitic worms, cancer cells, bubonic plague. You just have to look at it from God's eyes. 3:11a

  186. "No man can find out the work that God maketh."
    Science is impossible. We can learn nothing at all about the natural world. 3:11b

  187. God makes everything happen over and over. 3:15
  188. "I praised the dead which are already dead more than the living which are yet alive." 4:2
  189. "The fool foldeth his hands together, and eateth his own flesh." 4:5

  190. "If two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone?" 4:11
  191. "Neither say thou before the angel, that it was an error: wherefore should God be angry at thy voice, and destroy the work of thine hands?"
    Don't admit making an error to an angel or God will get angry and destroy your work. 5:6

  192. "The sleep of a labouring man is sweet, whether he eat little or much: but the abundance of the rich will not suffer him to sleep."
    Hungry people always sleep well; rich people never do. 5:12

  193. "That which is far off, and exceeding deep, who can find it out?"
    Who can find out? We can by using science! The earth, ocean, solar system, galaxy, and universe -- nothing is too deep or far away for science to discover and explore. 7:24

  194. "Then I beheld all the work of God, that a man cannot find out the work that is done under the sun: because though a man labour to seek it out, yet he shall not find it; yea farther; though a wise man think to know it, yet shall he not be able to find it."
    Oh, I think science has done a pretty good job of finding things out over the last four centuries or so. 8:16

  195. "Let thy garments be always white; and let thy head lack no ointment." 9:8
  196. "A wise man's heart is at his right hand; but a fool's heart at his left." 10:2
  197. "He that is a fool walketh by the way ... he saith to every one that he is a fool."
    You can tell a fool by the way he walks. 10:3
  198. "Cast thy bread upon the waters: for thou shalt find it after many days." 11:1

  199. "Give a portion to seven, and also to eight; for thou knowest not what evil shall be upon the earth." 11:2
  200. "In the place where the tree falleth, there it shall be." 11:3

  201. "He that observeth the wind shall not sow; and he that regardeth the clouds shall not reap." 11:4

    Song of Solomon

  202. "The song of songs, which is Solomon's."
    The author claims to be Solomon. He isn't. The Song of Solomon (aka "The Song of Songs") was written (forged) several hundred years after Solomon died (if he ever lived, that is). 1:1

  203. "Thy teeth are like a flock of sheep that are even shorn, which came up from the washing; whereof every one bear twins, and none is barren among them." 4:2

  204. "Thy neck is like the tower of David builded for an armoury, whereon there hang a thousand bucklers, all shields of mighty men." 4:14

  205. Thy teeth are as a flock of sheep which go up from the washing, whereof every one beareth twins, and there is not one barren among them. 6:6

  206. "Thy nose is as the tower of Lebanon which looketh toward Damascus." 7:4

  207. "The smell of thy nose like apples" 7:8

  208. "And the roof of thy mouth like the best wine for my beloved, that goeth down sweetly, causing the lips of those that are asleep to speak." 7:9

  209. "O that thou wert as my brother, that sucked the breasts of my mother! when I should find thee without, I would kiss thee; yea, I should not be despised." 8:1

  210. "We have a little sister, and she hath no breasts ... But my breasts [are] like towers." 8:8-10

    Isaiah

  211. The mouth of the Lord 1:20

  212. "Ye shall be confounded for the gardens that ye have chosen." (God hates gardeners.) 1:29

  213. "When he ariseth to shake terribly the earth."
    (Earthquakes happen when God gets angry.) 2:19, 21

  214. "Instead of a sweet smell there shall be stink ... instead of well set hair baldness ... and burning instead of beauty." 3:24

  215. After God "washed away the filth" from the women and killed the men, he set up "a cloud and smoke by day" and a "flaming fire by night." 4:4-5

  216. "He has stretched forth his hand against them ... and the hills did tremble." (God makes earthquakes when he gets angry.) 5:25

  217. "He [God] ... will hiss unto them from the end of the earth."(The earth is flat and has an end.) 5:26

  218. "I [Isaiah] saw also the LORD sitting upon a throne." 6:1

  219. Isaiah sees angels with six wings. Two to cover his face, two to cover his feet, and two to fly with. 6:2

  220. When the angels (or God?) cry, the door posts move and the house fills with smoke. 6:4

  221. "Woe is me! ... because I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips." 6:5

  222. An angel touches Isaiah's lips with a live coal. 6:6-7

  223. "The Lord shall hiss for the fly ... and for the bee." 7:18

  224. God will shave men's feet, where "feet" and "hair" are biblical euphemisms for males sexual organs and pubic hair, respectively. 7:20

  225. Isaiah has sex with a prophetess who conceives and bears a son. (You weren't expecting a daughter, were you?) God then tells Isaiah to call his name Mathershalalhashbaz. (It has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?) 8:3

  226. 9/11 was a divine act of terrorism. If we rebuild, God will force us to eat our own arms. (Or something like that.)
    (See WND for the exciting details) 9:10-20

  227. God will "smite the earth with the rod of his mouth, and with the breath of his lips he shall slay the wicked." God must have some pretty bad breath! 11:4

  228. God will girdle his loins with righteousness and his kidneys ("reins" in the KJV) with faithfulness. 11:5

  229. "The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb...." I wonder what will become of the spiders. Will they be more friendly toward flies? And will the parasitic wasps find another way to feed their larvae? Or will they continue to feed off the living bodies of caterpillars? 11:6, 65:25

  230. "And  the weaned child shall put his hand on the cockatrice' den." A cockatrice is a serpent, hatched from a cock's egg, that can kill with a glance. They are rare nowadays.  11:8

  231. The moon produces its own light and the earth does not move (except when God gets angry and shakes the heavens). 13:10-13

  232. Dragons will live in Babylonian palaces and satyrs will dance there. 13:21-22

  233. Out of the serpent's root shall come forth a cockatrice, and his fruit shall be a fiery flying serpent." What ever happened to these fascinating biblical creatures? 14:29

  234. Every head will be bald, every beard will be shaved, and everyone will howl and weep abundantly. 15:2-3

  235. "Therefore shall Moab howl for Moab, every one shall howl." 16:7

  236. "Wherefore my bowels shall sound like an harp for Moab, and mine inward parts for Kirharesh." 16:11

  237. "Within three years ... the glory of Moab shall be contemned, with all that great multitude; and the remnant shall be very small and feeble." 16:14

  238. God will ride in on a cloud and scare the hell out of the Egyptians. 19:1

  239. Egypt will become weakened and frightened "like unto women" when God shakes his hand over it. 19:16

  240. God tells Isaiah to take off all his clothes and to wander about completely naked for three years as a "sign and a wonder." In this way he will be just like the Egyptian captives who will walk about naked "with their buttocks uncovered." 20:2-5

  241. While walking around naked for three years, Isaiah's loins were filled with pain. 21:3

  242. "In that day did the Lord GOD of hosts call ... to baldness, and to girding with sackcloth." 22:12

  243. "The Lord will ... toss thee like a ball." 22:17-18

  244. Tyre "shall commit fornication with all the kingdoms of the world," and her hire shall be holiness to the Lord." 23:17-18

  245. God will turn the earth upside down, knock it off of its foundations, and then shake and bake it until it "reels to and fro like a drunkard." 24:1, 18-20

  246. "The foundations of the earth do shake ... The earth shall reel to and fro like a drunkard."
    (Earthquakes are all a part of God's wondrous plan.) 24:18-20

  247. God will punish the leviathan ("that crooked serpent") with his own sword and will kill the sea dragon. 27:1

  248. "For the Lord shall rise up ... that he may do his work, his strange work; and bring to pass his act, his strange act." 28:21

  249. God performs a "marvelous work and a wonder" by destroying wisdom and understanding. 29:14

  250. Natural disasters (earthquakes, storms, fires, tsunamis) are caused by, and are a sign of, God's wrath. 29:7

  251. "Woe to the rebellious children, saith the LORD, that take counsel, but not of me." 30:1

  252. Among the many strange creatures mentioned in the Bible that no longer seem to exist is the "fiery flying serpent." 30:6

  253. "In returning and rest shall ye be saved." 30:15

  254. "The light of the moon shall be as the light of the sun, and the light of the sun shall be sevenfold." Well, this is one prophecy that will never come true. Since the moon has no light of its own, but only reflects that of the sun, it could never shine like the sun. And the sun will not, at least not while there are humans to see it, shine 7 times as bright as it does now. 30:26

  255. God's lips, tongue, and breath are described for us. 30:27-28

  256. "The LORD shall cause his glorious voice to be heard, and shall shew the lighting down of his armwith the indignation of his anger, and with the flame of a devouring fire, with scattering, and tempest, and hailstones." 30:30

  257. "Through the voice of the LORD shall the Assyrian be beaten down." 30:31

  258. God has bad breath, "like a stream of brimstone. Sometimes he even kindles a fire with it. 30:33

  259. God is furious at everyone and is ready to kill them all. Or as Isaiah so delicately puts it: "Their stink shall come up out of their carcasses, and the mountains shall be melted with their blood." 34:2-3

  260. "The host of heaven shall be dissolved ... and ... shall fall down."
    The stars will dissolve and fall from the sky. 34:4

  261. "And the unicorns shall come down with them." 34:7

  262. Dragons and satyrs may not seem real to you, but they did to the author of these verses. 34:13-14

  263. "And an highway shall be there, and a way, and it shall be called The way of holiness."
    Pat Robertson and other whacked out Christians believe "the highway of holiness" is I-35.
    700 Club: I-35 Can Stop Homosexuality 35:8

  264. "When king Hezekiah heard it, that he rent his clothes, and covered himself with sackcloth." 37:1

  265. An angel of God kills 185,000 men. "And when they [those killed by the angel?] arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead men." 37:36

  266. God makes the sun move backwards 10 degrees. Now that's a neat trick! 38:8

  267. The grass and the flowers die when God blows on them. The same happens with people. 40:7

  268. "The workman melteth a graven image, and the goldsmith spreadeth it over with gold, and casteth silver chains. He ... chooseth a tree ... to prepare a graven image."
    God hates Christmas trees 40:19-20

  269. God will "go forth as a mighty man" who cries and roars, and "will cry like a travailing woman." After he tires of roaring and crying he'll "destroy and devour." What a guy. 42:13

  270. "When thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned." 43:2

  271. "I, even I, am the LORD; and beside me there is no saviour."
    Not even Jesus? 43:11

  272. Dragons and owls will thank God for irrigation. 43:20

  273. "He heweth him down cedars ... among the trees of the forest ... yea, he kindleth it, and baketh bread ... he maketh it a graven image ... he roasteth roast, and is satisfied: yea, he warmeth himself, and saith, Aha, I am warm, I have seen the fire."
    God hates Christmas trees 44:14-16

  274. God makes diviners mad, turns wise men backwards, makes knowledge foolish, and dries up the oceans and rivers. King Cyrus is God's shepherd. 44:25-28

  275. "I have sworn by myself." 45:23

  276. God set the earth on foundations so it doesn't move, his hand is as big as the universe, and the stars stand up straight when he calls them. 48:13

  277. God engraved the names of his favorite people on the palms of his hands. 49:16

  278. "And kings shall be thy nursing fathers." 49:23

  279. "I dry up the sea, I make the rivers a wilderness: their fish stinketh, because there is no water, and dieth for thirst."
    God brags about the strangest things. 50:2

  280. God cut Rahab (the sea monster) to pieces, wounded the dragon, and dried up the sea. 51:9-10

  281. "The LORD hath made bare his holy arm in the eyes of all the nations." 52:10

  282. "The sure mercies of David"
    See here for some of David's sure mercies. 55:3

  283. "Thou ... didst increase thy perfumes ... and didst debase thyself even unto hell." (God hates perfume.) 57:9

  284. Bad people hatch poisonous cockatrice eggs. Whoever eats the eggs will die, and when the eggs are crushed a viper hatches out of them. 59:5

  285. Nations that do not serve Israel will perish. 60:12

  286. "Thou shalt ... suck the breast of kings." 60:16

  287. "I will ... trample them in my fury; and their blood ... will stain all my raiment." (God's clothes will get stained with the blood of humans.) 63:2-6

  288. Every noble human act, every act of love, courage, and kindness is "an unclean thing", "a filthy rag" to God. 64:6

  289. "Which say ... I am holier than thou. These are a smoke in my nose."
    People who think they're "holier than thou" are a smoke in God's nose. 65:5

  290. Don't worship incorrectly or eat swine flesh (like ham or bacon) or God will have to kill you. 66:17

  291. Immortal worms: "Their worm shall not die" 66:24


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Revised 2nd Edition

With killings from the Apocrypha