2 Samuel
Introduction

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24

Contradictions
Cruelty and Violence
Injustice
Absurdities
Family Values
Women
Sex
Intolerance
Science and History
Interpretation
Homosexuality
Prophecy
Language
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SAB: 2 Samuel

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Absurdity in 2 Samuel

  1. According to these verses, Saul was killed by an Amalekite. But Saul killed all the Amalekites (except for Agag who Samuel hacked to death) as God commanded in 1 Sam.15:3, so how could he later be killed by one? 1:8-10

  2. Abner smites Asahel "under the fifth rib." 2:23
    (It seems that in 2 Samuel this is the preferred place to get smitten. 3:27, 4:6, 20:10)

  3. David says, "deliver me my wife Michal, which I espoused to me for a hundred foreskins of the Philistines." Well, he actually paid with two hundred foreskins (see 1 Sam.18:27). 3:14

  4. "When David enquired of the LORD, he said ... come upon them over against the mulberry trees." 5:23

  5. "When thou hearest the sound of a going in the tops of the mulberry trees ... then shall the LORD go out before thee, to smite the host of the Philistines." 5:24

  6. "Then said David, I will shew kindness unto Hanun the son of Nahash, as his father shewed kindness unto me."
    Nahash gouged out the eyes of Israelite messengers (or at least threatened to) in 1 Samuel 11. That's a strange way to show kindness! 10:2

  7. "Hanun ... shaved off the one half of their beards, and cutt off their garments ... even to their buttocks."
    That'll teach them! 10:4

  8. After Bathsheba's baby is killed by God, David comforts her by going "in unto her." She conceives and bears another son (Solomon). 12:24

  9. David puts on a gold crown weighing 1 talent (somewhere between 26 and 60 kilograms).
    (He had a very strong neck.) 12:30

  10. "He weighed the hair of his head at two hundred shekels."
    Absalom's hair was heavy upon him 14:25-26

  11. "The wood [forest] devoured more people that day than the sword devoured." It must have been spooky forest to have devoured more than 20,000 soldiers. 18:8

  12. Amasa is viciously slaughtered by Joab by smiting him "in the fifth rib", of course. 20:10

  13. A giant with six fingers and six toes. 21:20

  14. "There went up a smoke out of his nostrils, and fire out of his mouth."
    What happens when God gets mad? The earth shakes, the foundations of heaven move, smoke comes out of his nostrils, and fire out of his mouth."22:8-9

  15. God "came down" with "darkness under his feet." 22:10

  16. "He [God] rode upon a cherub, and did fly." 22:11

  17. "The LORD thundered from heaven, and the most High (who?) uttered his voice." 22:14

  18. "The foundations of the world were discovered ... at the blast of the breath of his nostrils." 22:16

  19. The chief of David's captains killed with his own spear 800 guys at one time. 23:8

  20. Eleazar the son of Dodo killed so many Philistines that his hand stuck to his sword. 23:9-10

  21. David was thirsty, so he asked someone to get him some water from the Bethlehem well, which was controlled by the Philistines. Three of his men broke through the enemy lines, got the water from the well, and brought it back to David. But he refused to drink it and poured it on the ground. 23:15-17

  22. "Abishai ... lifted up his spear against three hundred, and slew them." 23:18

  23. God tempts David to take census, though 1 Chr.21:1 says that Satan tempted David, and Jas.1:13 says that God never tempts anyone. Why did God or Satan tempt David to take the census? And what the heck is wrong with a census anyway? 24:1

  24. Israel had 1,300,000 fighting men in this battle. Of course, this is a ridiculously high number for a battle between two tribal armies in 1000 BCE. (The United States had about 1.37 million active duty soldiers in 2001.) 24:9

  25. God offers David a choice of punishments for having conducted the census: 1) seven years of famine (1 Chr.21:12 says three years), 2) three months fleeing from enemies, or 3) three days of pestilence. David can't decide, so God chooses for him and sends a pestilence, killing 70,000 men (and probably around 200,000 women and children). 24:13

  26. After God threatens to kill hundreds of thousands of innocent people for a census that he inspired, David says, "let us fall now into the hand of the LORD; for his mercies are great." 24:14

  27. Finally, when an angel is about to destroy Jerusalem, "the Lord repented." That's nice, but why would a good God have to repent of the evil that he planned to do? 24:16