2 Kings
Introduction

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24 25


Absurdities
Cruelty and Violence
Contradictions
Injustice
Intolerance
Family Values
Science and History
Language
Interpretation
Prophecy
Homosexuality
Good Stuff

Dwindling in Unbelief
-2 Kings

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Drunk With Blood:
God's killings in the Bible

By Steve Wells

SAB: 2 Kings


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2 Kings: Absurdity

  1. He was an hairy man, and girt with a girdle of leather about his loins. And he said, It is Elijah." (Nobody dresses like Elijah!) 1:8

  2. Elijah shows that he is "a man of God" by burning 102 men to death. He did the job in two shifts of 51 men each. 1:9-12

  3. When Elijah needs to cross a river, he just smacks the water with his magic mantle and crosses on dry land. 2:8

  4. "Elisha said, I pray thee, let a double portion of thy spirit be upon me." 2:9

  5. "Elijah went up by a whirlwind into heaven." 2:11

  6. "He took hold of his own clothes, and rent them in two pieces." 2:12

  7. Elisha repeats Elijah's trick of parting the waters of the Jordan by smiting them with his mantle. 2:14

  8. Elisha "heals" the waters by adding a pinch of salt. 2:20-22

  9. God sends two bears to rip up 42 little children for making fun of Elisha's bald head. 2:23-24

  10. Another miracle birth! (And another boy)
    Elisha and God make an old woman pregnant. 4:16-17

  11. "Gird up they loins." 4:29, 9:1
  12. Elisha restores the life of a dead child, but only after laying on him a couple of times, putting his mouth on the child's mouth, his eyes on the child's eyes, and his hands on the child's hands. Finally, the child responds by sneezing seven times.
    Was this a miraculous healing or artificial respiration? 4:32-35

  13. Elisha put some meal (flour) in a pot to counteract the poison in a pot of stew. 4:40-41

  14. "When the king of Israel had read the letter ... he rent his clothes." 5:7

  15. "When Elisha the man of God had heard that the king of Israel had rent his clothes, that he sent to the king, saying, Wherefore hast thou rent thy clothes?" 5:8

  16. Elisha can do all the tricks of Jesus (raise the dead, heal the sick, etc.). Here he cures a leper, but only after the leper dips himself seven times in the Jordan. 5:14

  17. Elisha makes an iron ax head swim. Neat trick, not even Jesus did that one! 6:6

  18. "Elisha ... telleth the king of Israel the words that thou speakest in thy bedchamber."
    Elisha is clairaudient (acquires psychic knowledge by auditory means). 6:12

  19. Elisha prayed and "behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire round about Elisha." 6:17

  20. With God's help, Elisha first blinds the Syrians and then restores their sight. 6:18-20

  21. "An ass's head was sold for fourscore pieces of silver, and the fourth part of a cab of dove's dung for five pieces of silver." 6:25

  22. When the king heard the words of the woman ... he rent his clothes ... and, behold, he had sackcloth within on his flesh." 6:30

  23. God forcasts the commodities market: Tommorow about this time, flour with sell for this and barley for that. 7:1

  24. God made noises to scare the Syrians. He's such a clever guy! 7:6

  25. The Edomites revolt. But how could they have fought when all of their males had just recently been killed? (1 Kings 11:16) 8:22

  26. Elisha the prophet called one of the children of the prophets, and said unto him, Gird up thy loins." 9:1

  27. "Wherefore came this mad fellow to thee?"
    One of Jehu's officers called Elisha a madman (which, of course, he was). 9:11

  28. "He driveth furiously."
    Jehu is the patron saint of reckless drivers. 9:20

  29. "When he was departed thence, he lighted on Jehonadab … coming to meet him … and said to him, Is thine heart right, as my heart is with thy heart? And Jehonadab answered, It is. If it be, give me thine hand. And he gave him his hand; and he took him up to him into the chariot."
    After meeting with Ahaziah’s family (and killing them all), Jehu got into his chariot and drove away furiously toward Samaria. On his way, he ran across his old friend, Jehonadab. Jehu asked him, “Is your heart true to mine as mine is to yours?” And Jehonadab said, “It is.” (They were very good friends.) 10:15

  30. Jehu shows off his zeal for the Lord by murdering "all that remained unto Ahab in Samaria, till he had destroyed him according to the word of the Lord." 10:16-17

  31. Elisha tells Joash to shoot an arrow out the window. Joash shoots the magic arrow out the window, which guarantees that he will "smite the Syrians" until he "consumes them." 13:15-17

  32. Elisha tells Joash to hit the ground with his arrow. So he smacks the ground three times. Elisha then yells at him, saying he should have struck the ground five or six times. If he had, then he would have completely wiped out Syria, but now since he only struck the ground three times, he'll only get to smite Syria three times. Shucks! 13:18-19

  33. A dead body is brought to life when it accidentally touches the bones of Elisha. 13:21

  34. According to this verse, Ahaz was 36 years old when he completed his reign. And 18:1-2 says that he was succeeded by a 25 year old son, Hezekiah. This means that Ahaz fathered Hezakiah when he was only eleven years old! 16:2

  35. Hezekiah, the son of Ahaz, began to reign when he was 25 years old. His father was 36 years old when Hezekiah took over (16:2). So Ahaz was only eleven years old when he fathered Hezekiah! 18:1-2

  36. While Hezekiah was busy doing things that were "right in the sight of the Lord," he broke the brazen serpent that God told Moses to make in Numbers 21:8. 18:3-4

  37. "Shebna ... and Joah with their clothes rent."
    People either tear their clothes or fall on their face when they get upset in the Bible. 18:37

  38. "When king Hezekiah heard it, that he rent his clothes." 19:1

  39. An "angel of the Lord" kills 185,000 men while they sleep. "And when they arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead corpses." I guess they all woke up and said, "Shucks, I'm dead." 19:35

  40. "Take a lump of figs. And they took and laid it on the boil, and he recovered." 20:7

  41. Isaiah, with a little help from God, makes the sun move backwards ten degrees. Now that's quite a trick. All at once, the earth stopped spinning and then reversed its direction of rotation. Or maybe the sun traveled around the earth in those days! 20:11

  42. God plans to "bring such evil upon Jerusalem and Judah, that whosoever heareth of it, both his ears shall tingle." 21:12

  43. "I [God] will wipe Jerusalem as a man wipeth a dish, wiping it, and turning it upside down." 21:13

  44. "When the king had heard the words of the book of the law, that he rent his clothes." 22:11

  45. "Because ... thou ... hast rent thy clothes." 22:19


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